Latest / Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia. / Grieving The Old Self While Healing Through Chemo

Transcript

Grieving The Old Self While Healing Through Chemo · Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

• 0:06
  Dora: I'm welcome back to I'm brace your raises, reclaim your essencia.
• 0:12
  Dora: If this is your first time here, bienvenida or bienvenido.
• 0:16
  Dora: And if you've been walking with me through these seasons of becoming, thank you for holding space for me, especially today.
• 0:24
  Dora: I'm recording this on Monday, February 8th.
• 0:27
  Dora: And I just finished my seventh week of chemo last Friday.
• 0:32
  Dora: And today I don't feel like myself.
• 0:35
  Dora: Not the productive version, not the motivational version, not the I got this version.
• 0:42
  Dora: Just me.
• 0:43
  Dora: Raw, foggy, emotional as fuck, tired.
• 0:49
  Dora: And I almost didn't record this.
• 0:52
  Dora: Because a part of me wanted to wait until I felt stronger.
• 0:56
  Dora: More clear, more articulate.
• 0:58
  Dora: But that's the problem, right?
• 1:00
  Dora: I only show up when I feel strong.
• 1:03
  Dora: And today, I I can honestly say I don't.
• 1:06
  Dora: So this episode is for the days when you don't recognize yourself, when you feel like everything's crumbling down, very super emotional, and as a woman, PMSing, so feeling like the period's coming on, kind of thing.
• 1:23
  Dora: Yeah, that's me right now.
• 1:25
  Dora: Just going through all the changes physically.
• 1:28
  Dora: So if you're ready, get your beverage of choice, sit back, or you know, if you like to do and combine something while you listen to me, enjoy your walk or relaxing or working or going to the gym or limpiando, like cleaning, doing you.
• 1:52
  Dora: And I will get into today's episode.
• 2:07
  Dora: I had therapy today, and I realized something uncomfortable.
• 2:12
  Dora: And my therapist actually pointed out.
• 2:14
  Dora: She's like, Dora, we we still have these tendencies.
• 2:19
  Dora: And I'm like, which ones?
• 2:21
  Dora: And that's where I overwork to numb.
• 2:25
  Dora: If I stay busy, if I stay product producing, if I stay responding to emails, to the text messages, to the WhatsApps, to the Instagram and the Facebook and everything, if I stay building, then I don't have to sit with what's happening in my body.
• 2:42
  Dora: And for me, specifically in this season, it's cancer.
• 2:46
  Dora: Cancer changes you.
• 2:48
  Dora: Chemo changes you, but the hardest part, it changes the identity.
• 2:54
  Dora: And I've been filling up my calendar so I don't fall apart.
• 3:00
  Dora: But because if I slow down, I feel the grief.
• 3:06
  Dora: Grief for my energy, grief for my old brain, grief for my libido.
• 3:12
  Dora: So yes, I don't have that sex drive that I would normally have before.
• 3:18
  Dora: Grief for the version of me that could do it all and hold all the plates up.
• 3:22
  Dora: And you know, kind of like the juggle all the balls.
• 3:25
  Dora: Like that's not happening right now.
• 3:27
  Dora: So maybe a little too TMI.
• 3:30
  Dora: TMI, I meant.
• 3:32
  Dora: And that version.
• 3:34
  Dora: Well, she feels so far away right now.
• 3:40
  Dora: And that's where I paused and thought, wow, I am being my old self again.
• 3:49
  Dora: Like I went to a trip, right, the week before.
• 3:51
  Dora: I went to Punta Cana.
• 3:53
  Dora: But then I come back and I have this tendency to work, work, work, work, work.
• 3:57
  Dora: Cause as soon as I flew in, my joints started hurting, my body fatigue is real, my acne on my head, so this chemoacne is really getting at me too.
• 4:09
  Dora: And just going through all the feels.
• 4:13
  Dora: So partially my kids got the grunt of it this weekend because I snapped at them.
• 4:20
  Dora: And it wasn't even about the dishes, it wasn't about like all the stuff they don't do necessarily, because overall I think they're great kids.
• 4:31
  Dora: But it was about exhaustion.
• 4:35
  Dora: They're not little anymore, they actually have opinions, they're grown as kids.
• 4:40
  Dora: So Josie is 22 and Julian is 15.
• 4:46
  Dora: And they get have pushback and they have questions and they are very, you know, into their ways and formulating their own thoughts.
• 4:54
  Dora: So parenting adolescence is not cute, okay, y'all.
• 4:58
  Dora: It's not, it's layered, it's emotional, and it's triggering as fuck for me sometimes because I sometimes don't even know how to answer their questions.
• 5:07
  Dora: And when your nervous system is already fried, you don't have the same patience.
• 5:13
  Dora: Like I consider myself a very patient person.
• 5:16
  Dora: But this pay this weekend, this define semana pasado, like this past weekend, it was not driving.
• 5:22
  Dora: And I carry guilt about that.
• 5:25
  Dora: And that's one other thing that I talked to my therapist about.
• 5:29
  Dora: But because I don't want Kimo to steal the softness from me, that's where it's so hard.
• 5:36
  Dora: The passiveness, maybe as a parent, like letting things ride and stuff, maybe those conversations needed to happen this weekend for them to clean their rooms, clean up the after themselves, take care of the doggy, do all the things, not go, uh, whenever I ask, and then when they roll their eyes, like those things needed to be addressed for sure.
• 5:57
  Dora: But the truth is just sometimes I'm just tired.
• 6:00
  Dora: I'm tired of doing it all.
• 6:02
  Dora: And I'm learning how to delegate.
• 6:07
  Dora: But I internalize it like it does.
• 6:09
  Dora: Like I feel so much guilt.
• 6:11
  Dora: Because I look at my mom, and my mom, oh my gosh, like I love the woman.
• 6:15
  Dora: She cleans, she cooks, she caters to everybody, she takes care of everybody else, and she also takes care of herself.
• 6:23
  Dora: That's what one thing I admire of her, like ever since I was little.
• 6:27
  Dora: And I feel like I'm always living up to that expectation of, you know, I need to be like always on my A game.
• 6:33
  Dora: And I was actually having this conversation with someone this week of like, I'm not at my A game right now.
• 6:39
  Dora: And they made made me or helped me reframe the fact that I'm Dora trying to do all the things.
• 6:49
  Dora: Um, but I'm trying to manage the chemo.
• 6:53
  Dora: I'm also trying to manage like working out so my body is okay because muscle fatigue is real.
• 7:00
  Dora: Um and I'm getting a little choked up, not gonna lie.
• 7:03
  Dora: Because I love my kiddos, but it's just sometimes, yeah, like I actually need like nobody understands me, even though they love me, and people love me.
• 7:18
  Dora: It's just and I need to take a moment because I did have to cry.
• 7:24
  Dora: But it's just so hard when you're on a short fuse and you're working mom.
• 7:30
  Dora: So right now I'm working nine to five.
• 7:32
  Dora: I'm going to my treatments, I'm going to my treatments every Friday, and it takes like four hours just to get in and out.
• 7:40
  Dora: Um I'm doing physical therapy twice a week or the occupational therapy, and I'm excelling at all those things, but then I also have to remember to eat and move my body because then I feel body fatigue.
• 7:54
  Dora: So with my kids, like I want to be the mom.
• 7:58
  Dora: I want to be the one that, you know, like, especially with Julian, that he has to go to, he was doing wrestling and soccer and school and this and that.
• 8:07
  Dora: I want to be able to have that energy that I normally have, but it's not happening now.
• 8:14
  Dora: And so I feel guilt.
• 8:16
  Dora: I usually feel guilt now that mommy can't move like I used to be.
• 8:21
  Dora: It's like, and I'm afraid I'm gonna get shit for it that oh, I can go work out, but I can't, like, I don't have energy to be with them or like chill with them or hear them out.
• 8:34
  Dora: Because yes, they have various opinions right now, and we do talk about things.
• 8:39
  Dora: Um, they hear me out, or sometimes it's like pulling teeth with them because they don't want to talk.
• 8:45
  Dora: So it's just been very difficult with them.
• 8:49
  Dora: Um, just trying to find the same page at times as well, because they're adolescents.
• 8:54
  Dora: I mean, you know, and I obviously I'm not hip and cool like I used to be because I don't know all the, you know, apparently TikTok's the latest trend right now.
• 9:02
  Dora: Um and I yeah, I don't follow those things, I'm not on social media, but it's it's been a very emotional road, let's just say for myself right now.
• 9:15
  Dora: Let's talk about something nobody wants to say.
• 9:18
  Dora: So chemo impacts your sex drive, and we don't talk about it.
• 9:24
  Dora: Like, I don't know anybody that actually talks about their open sex life because I just really don't.
• 9:28
  Dora: Um, but it's low libido.
• 9:32
  Dora: I have mood swings, and my body's changing, especially because I'm going through like hormonal changes too.
• 9:40
  Dora: Like I noticed my period is off, and so fatigue is ooh, unsettling.
• 9:48
  Dora: I well, even before for Philly and I, like I am not, and you wouldn't believe this, but I don't believe I'm sexy, like I don't believe I'm pretty either.
• 9:58
  Dora: Um, although people beg to differ, probably.
• 10:02
  Dora: But I for me, like I'm so busy with life and everything.
• 10:07
  Dora: By the time I hit my head, hits the pillow, like it's 10 o'clock or whatever, and we both have to work and all the things, but I don't feel desirable, especially now with like I feel like my body's a Frankenstein because like I don't have nipples right now.
• 10:27
  Dora: Um, and I'm not feeling connected to my body.
• 10:33
  Dora: And I know my husband loves me, like, don't get me wrong, especially now that Valentine's Day is around the corner, like he he goes the extra mile, he does all the things, he always wants to make me happy, which I love him about for that.
• 10:48
  Dora: And he's supportive and he's there.
• 10:50
  Dora: Um, he's also sarcastic as hell at times, and I'm like for this, for example, this weekend I was not having it with his sarcasm, so I did have to point it out that I was again short-fused, right?
• 11:02
  Dora: But I've been in this survival mode, like my body's been in survival mode, and I've been taking care of myself.
• 11:07
  Dora: The other thing that has been coming up is UTIs because I'm immune compromised, so there's a lot of things that I have to do.
• 11:14
  Dora: Also with sex, like you have to wear condoms.
• 11:16
  Dora: Feeling I never had to do that.
• 11:19
  Dora: If anything, when I was growing up, we used the withdrawal method, which that's you know, probably again, TMI.
• 11:24
  Dora: But that's where when you're just surviving, like prioritizing intimacy is not a thing, and that is hard right now because I don't feel like a chingona in this body right now.
• 11:41
  Dora: I feel so disconnected, and admittedly, that I mean, I'm being super vulnerable with you right now.
• 11:48
  Dora: It's just been a lot to accept.
• 11:51
  Dora: And I've been hitting the gym, I've been doing all the things, but I have like inflammation, my body feels heavy, I have headaches.
• 12:00
  Dora: Um it's just so many different things, especially with like brain fog, um, forgetting things.
• 12:09
  Dora: So that's one thing Philly's been like worried about me recently is like I'll go to the store and I'll forget something.
• 12:17
  Dora: Like, for example, I went to this, I was gonna make mole and I forgot the mole paste.
• 12:22
  Dora: Or this past just this weekend, I went to the store because I wanted a filing like box or whatever, a clear tote so I could do my taxes and stuff and file my papers.
• 12:34
  Dora: And would you believe I forgot the damn tote at the bottom of the cart at Walmart in the parking lot?
• 12:41
  Dora: And I drove away like nothing.
• 12:44
  Dora: And my son's like, Julian's like, hey, why don't you just let him know maybe they, you know, maybe somebody turned it in or something.
• 12:51
  Dora: So my smart ass calls Walmart and I tell him the situation.
• 12:55
  Dora: They're like, Oh yeah, bring your receipt in.
• 12:57
  Dora: We'll see what we could do.
• 12:58
  Dora: Well, I go to customer service, and the lady's like, no girl, um, no, I'm sorry, we can't do anything, nobody's turned it in.
• 13:07
  Dora: And I'm like, oh, well then what can I do?
• 13:09
  Dora: They're like, sorry, you can't do anything.
• 13:11
  Dora: I'm like, great.
• 13:13
  Dora: So I went to the little section to the aisle, got another tote, and paid for it again.
• 13:20
  Dora: And when I came home, Julia was like, Oh, how you know, you you got the other tote, and I'm like, Yeah, and I'm like, I paid for it though.
• 13:27
  Dora: He's like, Yeah, well, you paid, you know, that tote costs you double.
• 13:32
  Dora: And it's like, yeah, that's the expensive price I'm paying right now for my memory loss, or my short-term memory loss for that matter.
• 13:38
  Dora: And so it's been very stressful, like, because Philly asked me, like, how long about how long more is this gonna last?
• 13:46
  Dora: And honestly, it's supposed to last through chemo, and then it could be a few months after that.
• 13:52
  Dora: But all these changes and things, like hormonally happening, like menopause, premenopause, and all that, that is scary shit right now for me.
• 14:01
  Dora: Because I think it was for the first five months, five months, five weeks of chemo, I had spotting on and off.
• 14:09
  Dora: Like how annoying it is to get your period, right?
• 14:12
  Dora: And right now I'm just waiting for my period and I haven't gotten it.
• 14:14
  Dora: I was actually supposed to get it when I went to Punta Cana, which I'm kind of happy that I didn't get my period, but still, like it's a lot of different changes and hormones, um, also impact your mood, right?
• 14:27
  Dora: And that's where snapping at the kids.
• 14:29
  Dora: I snap at feely all the time now, too.
• 14:32
  Dora: So yeah, they have to have a lot of grace with me.
• 14:35
  Dora: But I feel like I need to like emotionally regulate.
• 14:38
  Dora: But then again, I know I'm stressed and I'm going through a lot.
• 14:42
  Dora: So I've been practicing my breathing exercises and all, but sometimes that shit don't cut it.
• 14:46
  Dora: Mm-mm.
• 14:47
  Dora: It don't.
• 14:48
  Dora: And so I just have to keep reminding myself, I'm doing the best version I can right now.
• 14:53
  Dora: I have the support, I have loved ones that I can call.
• 14:58
  Dora: And I normally just pray.
• 15:01
  Dora: I just pray for, hey, God, just help me out here a little bit, right?
• 15:04
  Dora: Like my spirits, angels, please, all everybody, just come and swoop me, right?
• 15:09
  Dora: And just hear me out because I'm going through moments.
• 15:13
  Dora: So this grieving of my old self is really real this week.
• 15:17
  Dora: Um, that I'm not, again, like a game Dora anymore.
• 15:21
  Dora: I'm because I'm going through all these things, like I have to conform with what I'm able to give, like energy-wise.
• 15:30
  Dora: Um, and that's been really hard for me and for my family and my husband, especially, because he loves me and he could care less what I look, um, but he cares for me, right?
• 15:41
  Dora: The person of me and my my essence um and who I am.
• 15:46
  Dora: And I still am like cheery and stuff, but when I'm like alone, I feel like because of the numbing of the work and the everything and the busyness and the projects and the talking and the helping others and all, like I leave myself to last.
• 15:58
  Dora: I'm starting to do that again.
• 15:59
  Dora: So, friendly reminder, it's like I need to take care of myself.
• 16:04
  Dora: I need to hold myself, and I need to hold myself accountable because that was something that took me so long to learn, and it's so easy to forget.
• 16:13
  Dora: So, there we go with the short-term memory loss.
• 16:17
  Dora: So, the other thing that happened this weekend was I was watching the Super Bowl, my mom came over, and Feli, again, he loves to kind of cheer me up and stuff, so he invited my sisters and they had plans already, and we invited another friend, and then she had plans.
• 16:31
  Dora: So it ended up being us, um, my daughter, her boyfriend, and then uh my mom that came over.
• 16:38
  Dora: And one thing was explaining Bad Bunny to her because she didn't even know who the conejito malo was.
• 16:44
  Dora: Um, or we were saying, Hey, we're gonna watch Benito, and she just doesn't get football.
• 16:48
  Dora: I didn't get it either until the bears started playing.
• 16:50
  Dora: So, but one thing I was explaining or trying to convey to her was how I felt so proud.
• 16:57
  Dora: Like, I feel proud to be a Latina, I'm proud of our culture, our representation, our fire, and then I felt grief, and this is where I started feeling the effects of like okay, Dora's crushing on Sunday night.
• 17:12
  Dora: Because that bold, sensual, magnetic chingona energy, like I don't feel it right now.
• 17:18
  Dora: I feel foggy, and again, I mentioned it forgetful, moody, withdrawn.
• 17:24
  Dora: No shit.
• 17:25
  Dora: I wanted to be alone on Sunday night, just watching the game, like in my jammies, which I was in, and it was comforting just having my mom over, but it's like I didn't want, I just wanted to be alone.
• 17:36
  Dora: Like, no joke, I didn't even want the kids or feeling anybody around.
• 17:38
  Dora: Um, and I had to ask myself, do I only get to claim Chingona energy when I'm thriving?
• 17:46
  Dora: So that's when I had the realization.
• 17:48
  Dora: Or can I claim it when I'm healing?
• 17:51
  Dora: So that question hit me like a ton of bricks so hard.
• 17:56
  Dora: Because yeah, I'm gonna have to sit on that, but more to come on that.
• 18:02
  Dora: But like my husband tells me I'm a chingona, my friends tell me I'm a chingona, uh, people that I know they're like, oh Dory, you're such a badass, or oh, you handle everything with so much grace and and all the things, and I I I get it, I receive it, but I don't feel that way right now.
• 18:22
  Dora: So let's talk about the chemo brain the forgetfulness, the searching for words, the walking into a room and not remembering why.
• 18:30
  Dora: And I think that happens to my mom, and I can see other people relating to this.
• 18:35
  Dora: But for someone like me that's high achieving, organized, sharp, MBA brain, this messes with my confidence.
• 18:46
  Dora: Because I've always prided myself on being sharp, and I had like I can remember everything, I can remember people, I can remember names, I can remember conversations, and when that shifts, it feels like I'm losing myself, and that's the part that scares me.
• 19:02
  Dora: Not the hair, not the fatigue, the identity shift.
• 19:09
  Dora: There are days where I want to hide under the covers, just disappear.
• 19:13
  Dora: No emails, no expectations, no performance.
• 19:19
  Dora: But I can't.
• 19:22
  Dora: I have work commitments.
• 19:24
  Dora: I mean, I work nine to five.
• 19:26
  Dora: I also have my clients that I support that I love to work with.
• 19:30
  Dora: I got my kiddos that I mean Julian needs me to Uber him around all the time and just you know being a mom.
• 19:42
  Dora: And I have my marriage, right?
• 19:44
  Dora: I love Feely, I need to be the wifey, and I also have all these other responsibilities with people that I love.
• 19:51
  Dora: And sometimes I resent that.
• 19:54
  Dora: Not because I don't love my life, but because I don't have permission to fully collapse.
• 20:00
  Dora: And maybe the deeper work is learning how to rest without disappearing.
• 20:08
  Dora: So how do I move forward?
• 20:11
  Dora: Not by pushing harder, not by pretending, and definitely not by comparing myself to pre-chemo Dora at this point, but by redefining strength in this moment right here, right now.
• 20:28
  Dora: So strength right now looks like asking for help, like reaching out to a friend or a family member, or my sister, or someone willing to listen, therapist, even depending on what my a my question might ask is at that point and moment.
• 20:46
  Dora: Canceling when needed.
• 20:48
  Dora: Like, there's a lot of stuff that I do on a daily basis, but it's not all gonna get done.
• 20:54
  Dora: Like, I am superwoman already, like I know that.
• 20:58
  Dora: And that's one thing with identity that I've been going through is knowing that I am this chingona, but now it's looking and morphing into a different way.
• 21:09
  Dora: Consequently, that's being honest with myself.
• 21:13
  Dora: Honest of where I'm at, how I wake up.
• 21:15
  Dora: Like, if I have muscle soreness, I know that I probably have to stretch or do a little workout, or if it's mental fatigue, like I have to probably walk around.
• 21:26
  Dora: And so it might also mean that I'm moving slower.
• 21:30
  Dora: I'm so used to hitting my hitting the gym, doing the workouts, Orange Theory, Spanga, Pilates, Yoga, all the works.
• 21:37
  Dora: But sometimes it's just scaling it back and not forcing those workouts.
• 21:44
  Dora: And being able to let my body lead the way.
• 21:50
  Dora: Maybe I'm not lost.
• 21:52
  Dora: Maybe I'm just recalibrating.
• 21:54
  Dora: Maybe this isn't a breakdown, even though I was sobbing over this weekend.
• 21:59
  Dora: Maybe it It's a softening, something big that is coming.
• 22:03
  Dora: A major breakthrough.
• 22:07
  Dora: And just insert plug here for astrologically speaking.
• 22:11
  Dora: Um, next week there's gonna be a solar eclipse and uh a lunar eclipse happening on the 17th and the 20th.
• 22:19
  Dora: And I know those are big things, and maybe that is part of what I'm feeling is astrologically there's a lot of stuff happening, and also with the world, I'm gonna acknowledge that.
• 22:28
  Dora: But as I say to a few of my friends, it's like I choose to live in a bubble and I choose to live under a rock because I don't listen to the news and I don't follow up on all the things.
• 22:39
  Dora: I think with my life, there's enough to go around.
• 22:42
  Dora: Like if you want drama, like I'll give it to you.
• 22:44
  Dora: Like it's a telenovela.
• 22:46
  Dora: Um, so that's why I kind of stay removed from most of that.
• 22:50
  Dora: But still, like there's a lot to noodle on, and there's a lot to think about.
• 23:06
  Dora: If you don't feel like yourself right now, you're not broken.
• 23:11
  Dora: You're becoming.
• 23:13
  Dora: If your energy is low, if your patience is super thin, if your body feels foreign, you are allowed to grieve that.
• 23:25
  Dora: You are allowed to honor that.
• 23:28
  Dora: You are allowed to be both proud and exhausted.
• 23:32
  Dora: Chingona energy isn't about doing it all, it's about staying with yourself when it's hard.
• 23:38
  Dora: And today, I'm staying.
• 23:42
  Dora: Even in the fog, even in the fatigue, even in the not knowing.
• 23:48
  Dora: And I appreciate you and thank you for holding space for me.
• 23:52
  Dora: And if this resonated, I would invite you to share it with someone who needs permission to not be okay.
• 24:00
  Dora: All right, te quiero mucho.
• 24:03
  Dora: Big kiss, and we'll talk soon.
• 24:06
  Dora: Bye for now.