Latest / Enough & Evolving / When the Next Step Feels Too Big
Transcript
- Tyona Vallejo: Hello and welcome to Enough In Evolving Podcast. I'm your host, Tyona Vallejo, master certified life coach and mindfulness expert, helping you reclaim confidence, break through unhelpful patterns and manifest the relationships and life you desire. Now let's get started. Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. If you're new here, it's great to connect with you. Today I wanted to talk about something I think all of us experience when we're pursuing a desire, making a change, or stepping into a new chapter of our lives. It's that moment when the next step feels too big, too uncertain. Or too far outside of what we already know. Maybe you want to start a business, change careers, begin dating again, or leave a relationship, or maybe you want to finally pursue something you've been dreaming about for years. You feel the desire. You can imagine the possibility. Part of you knows there's something more available to you. But when it's time to take action, you actually freeze. Maybe you start questioning yourself and it sounds like, what if I make the wrong decision? What if it doesn't work? What if I'm not ready? Or I waste my time or money. Or what if I put myself out there and embarrass myself? Or even worse, what if I disappoint someone that I love? Suddenly what initially felt exciting begins to feel overwhelming. Have you felt that before? Yeah, me too. And instead of moving forward, you begin spinning in confusion. And you think about it over and over and over, you mull it over, you pray about it, you journal about it, you research it all, but you don't necessarily take the step forward that would allow you to learn something new. And I first want to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with you when this happens. This is so Normal. Your brain is doing exactly what it is designed to do. Your brain loves certainty. Certainty feels safe. And your brain wants to know with certainty what will happen. How will it happen? How long will it take? and whether everything will work out before it allows you to move forward. When you have a big goal or you're creating something you've never created before, certainty is rarely available at the beginning. Uncertainty is actually part of the process. Now let me be clear. Uncertainty may not always feel safe in our brain, but it doesn't mean that your desire isn't meant for you. It often means you're stepping beyond what is currently familiar. And because your nervous system often associates familiarity with safety, anything unfamiliar can feel like a threat. Even if that something is deeply desired. You can want to grow your business and still feel vulnerable when you share your work. You can want a loving relationship and still feel scared when you put your heart out there. While your soul may be desiring a bigger life, your nervous system is asking you to stay exactly where you are. These two experiences can exist at the very same time. You can feel called towards something and uncertain about it. You can believe in your dream and still have moments of doubt. What I hope you're hearing is that the experience of uncertainty doesn't have to mean the absence of readiness. Now, what I love to talk about first is the confusion cycle. Here's the cycle I often see, and one that I've experienced in my own life and business. First, you have a desire or a goal. Then your brain recognizes that reaching this goal requires you to do something unfamiliar. That unfamiliarity creates uncertainty in your body. And the uncertainty feels uncomfortable. So your mind trying to protect you by generating thoughts such as maybe this won't work. Maybe I'm not meant for this. Maybe it's too late. Maybe I need a better plan. I should wait until I have more time. Or possibly I need more certification. I need more education. And one of the most popular I hear is I just don't know. I don't know what to do, which is simply fear disguised as confusion. Now those thoughts create self-doubt and overwhelm. And when you feel self-doubt and overwhelm, you're less likely to take action. Then because you haven't taken the action, you don't receive any new information, and you don't have an opportunity to discover what even works, what doesn't work, what you enjoy, or what needs to change. So You still don't have clarity. And your mind uses that lack of clarity as evidence that you shouldn't move forward. This is what I call the confusion cycle. You believe you need clarity before you act, but the clarity you're waiting for can only be created through action. We often think clarity is something we should. Be able to find entirely in our minds. But what tends to happen is we get to overthinking, and that overthinking can lead to analysis paralysis, leaving us stuck in in action. And at some point, clarity requires participation. You have to try something. You have to gather real life evidence and be willing to learn from what happens next. I've learned clarity comes from action. Launching this podcast is a perfect example. I originally thought about doing this show years ago. My clients previously used to ask me, Do you have a podcast? Are you thinking about doing a podcast? And I would go, Hmm, maybe, maybe someday, you know. But my mind kept saying, But what would you even talk about? How would you even have that much to talk about? Which just kept me stuck in self doubt and the confusion cycle. Until I dared myself at the beginning of this year to take action because I know clarity comes from action. Did I know every episode ahead of time? No, I did not. but I chose to trust. that the only requirement was the next step. And it started by simply learning to record, learning to edit, then recording, then editing, then scripting. And now we're on to 29 episodes. And I'm so proud of myself for showing up and for showing myself what's possible when you take action and you trust yourself. And I love, love hearing from you all about how much you're enjoying the podcast. And I wouldn't have any of that if I didn't start. If I didn't take action before I was a hundred percent ready. If I didn't take action even if I didn't know all of the answers ahead of time. I've also learned that clarity doesn't usually arrive as a complete roadmap. It arrives one step at a time. You take a step and that step shows you something. Maybe it shows you that you love what you're doing. Maybe it shows you you need more support. Maybe it shows you your original plan needs to change in some way. Every intentional action gives you information that overthinking cannot provide. However, sometimes we're so afraid to take the next step because we don't want to get anything wrong. Have you ever felt like that? I know I have. But the purpose of the action is simply to give us more information. And sometimes that information is showing us what we don't want. The problem is when we label an action as successful only when it produces the result we wanted. But life doesn't work like that, right? And the truth is that we're afraid of what will make the unwanted result mean about us. For instance, you put yourself out there and get rejected, and you make that mean you're not good enough, or worse, that your desire isn't possible. But neither of those calculations are true. It's simply a made-up narrative that your mind has devolted to. In actuality, rejection is simply redirection. And what's possible isn't determined by your past. Therefore, you're allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to experiment. It's actually required to gain clarity. You have to put in the reps to get better. It's practice. Each action provides some kind of information. It's up to you to not make that information mean something negative about who you are or what's possible for you. Now, sometimes we know what the next step is, but it feels too big. And when a step feels too big, our tendency is to often judge ourselves thinking, why can't I just do this? Why am I always procrastinating? Why am I making this so difficult? I should be further along. But sometimes the step you've given yourself is too emotionally large for your nervous system right now. Let's say you want to launch your business. Launching your business is not one step. Let's say you want to start dating again. Starting to date again isn't one step. Let's say you want to change your career. That's not just one step. These are collections of many decisions, actions, and moments of courage. When you present the entire transformation to your brain as today's assignment, it makes sense that your nervous system feels overwhelmed. The answer isn't necessarily to push harder. The answer may be to make the next step smaller. Instead of launch my business, perhaps the next step is to write down the problem that you want to help people solve. Or instead of start dating, perhaps the next step is to ask, what kind of relationship do I want to create? Or instead of I want to show up more consistently on social media, perhaps the next step is to record a video. And post it. We often underestimate the power of small actions because they don't look impressive enough. But small actions create movement. Movement creates information and information creates clarity. Clarity builds confidence. The goal is not to choose one step that proves how courageous you are. The goal is to choose the next step small enough that you're actually willing to take it. So, what can you do when you're standing in uncertainty and your mind is spinning? The first step is to recognize what is happening. You can say, my brain is looking for certainty because certainty feels safe. Or this discomfort doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. I'm experiencing uncertainty because I'm doing something unfamiliar. And this is a nervous system response, not a prediction of my future. Naming what is happening creates a little separation between you and the story your mind is telling. The second step is to come back to your body. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice the support of a chair underneath you. Look around, remind yourself where you are, place a hand on your heart or your stomach. Slowly breathe in, allowing your exhale to be a little longer than your inhale, and say to yourself, I am safe in this moment, in this space. I don't have to solve everything right now. I only need to meet my I am safe to take action. Now this helps your nervous system recognize that uncertainty is not the same as immediate danger. Then instead of asking yourself, how do I accomplish this entire goal? Ask what is the smallest next step that would give me more information? The smallest step that creates movement or information. And if that step feels too big, make it smaller. You can keep breaking it down until you find the place where readiness becomes available. and if you're currently feeling stuck around a goal or decision, here are five questions you can consider. Grab a piece of paper and a pencil and write these down. What do I believe I need to know before I can begin? Is that information truly necessary? Or is my brain trying to protect me from discomfort? What am I telling myself about what could go wrong? What might become possible if I allowed myself to learn as I went? And lastly, what is one action that would give me more information? Now you don't have to answer these questions perfectly. Let them open up a conversation within you. Sometimes beneath all of the confusion, you already know the next step. You're not actually lacking clarity, you're experiencing fear about acting on the clarity you already have. And that's important to recognize because fear and confusion require different kinds of support. If you truly don't know, you may need more information, exploration, experimentation. But if you do know and you're afraid, you may need compassion, nervous system support, encouragement, or accountability. You don't need to shame yourself into action. You can acknowledge the fear and still choose to move. You can say, of course, this feels vulnerable. This matters to me. Of course I'm uncertain. I've never done this before, and I'm willing to take one small step. I think sometimes we forget that we haven't always had the clarity we have today. We have just taken steps that moved us in the direction that we wanted to go. And looking back, you can see that some of those most meaningful experiences in your life probably couldn't have been predicted. They were just decisions that you took slowly, following one breadcrumb at a time. You met one person, you said yes to one invitation, you took one class, you made a phone call, you followed up with curiosity, you began again. And eventually all those steps led to something you have today, something you've accomplished, exactly where you're at. So trust the process. You don't have to have the entire plan today. This week I want you to choose one goal or desire that you've been thinking about but haven't been moving towards. Write it down. Then write down every thought that comes up when you imagine taking action. Don't judge the thoughts, just notice them. Maybe this won't work, I don't know, blah blah blah. Then ask: are these facts or are these stories? Take a breath. Remind yourself. I don't need to know the entire path. I just need to take the next small action forward that provides clarity. Now in closing. Uncertainty is definitely gonna be part of being alive. We can learn how to work with uncertainty and befriend it, the better off we will be, And the more courageous we will be when taking action towards our goals. Remember, clarity comes from action, and confidence comes from seeing yourself move through the uncertainty, while self-trust comes from knowing that whatever happens. You have your own back. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. If this episode supported you, share it with a friend, someone who may be standing at the edge of her own next chapter and needs a little reminder that she doesn't have to figure it out alone. Until next week. Remember, you are already enough and you are always evolving. Have a great one. If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today.