Latest / The Daily Sarcast / August 28th, 2026: A Lawnmower Drug Bust, Cheese Balls And Topher's Life Update

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August 28th, 2026: A Lawnmower Drug Bust, Cheese Balls And Topher's Life Update · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode of The Daily Sarcast is sponsored by Callback,
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  the dating app for actors who believe romance should require an addition.
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  Every potential match submits a recent headshot, a full-body shot,
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  and close-up pictures of both hands front and back.
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  If casting directors can require them, so can you. Why? Who the hell knows?
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  Your matches must also submit a 60-second self-tape in which they sit with their
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  feet on a desk, studying an empty clipboard while fanning themselves and saying,
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  oh my, what does this tell you about them?
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  Absolutely nothing. But I've had to do it for an actual audition, so now they do too.
• 0:39
  Like what you see? Invite them to a chemistry read.
• 0:43
  Not interested? Callback sends the industry standard rejection.
• 0:48
  We loved what she brought to the role, but we decided to go in a different direction,
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  towards someone emotionally available.
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  We'll keep your information on file for future projects. Choose what you're
• 0:58
  casting for. A co-star? A recurring role?
• 1:01
  A day player? Or if the day goes well, a night player?
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  All relationships are non-union. Copy credit and emotional intimacy are not guaranteed.
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  Self-tapes must be recorded, medium shot, and landscape format in front of a
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  completely solid background with proper lighting in order to be considered for the role.
• 1:18
  Call back. Stop dating. Start casting. Today's quote?
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  You can have him. Jolene. Insert theme song here.
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  This is the Daily Sarcast. I give you the news and maybe laugh.
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  I'm Tovar Aston and today is August 28th, 2026. Hi everyone. I'm Tovar Aston.
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  I'm an actor, comedian, mathematician.
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  That's right. I did all sorts of mathy data stuff at the USDA for about 18 years
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  until government efficiency looked like giving me a choice to move back to DC,
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  or resign. Thanks, Doge.
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  I'm also a Sagittarius and allergic
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  to shellfish, so I'm taking over the podcast today because why not?
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  I mean, Lindsay and I met doing improv at Second City, and we discovered we
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  both love acting completely stupid and ridiculous in public,
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  and nice Jewish boys, so naturally she handed me a microphone.
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  I'm also a proud cat dad. His name is Mozart. He is the best.
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  If you ask, I have hundreds of pictures on my phone I could show you.
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  I'll actually probably show you even if you don't ask.
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  So, I guess my qualifications to do this podcast today are, one, I can count.
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  Two, I can act like I know what I'm doing, even though I have absolutely no clue.
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  And three, I am accustomed to being judged by a small creature who contributes
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  nothing financially. Let's get into it.
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  In real news, apparently this week decided to launch a coordinated attack on
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  gay cultural infrastructure.
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  That's right, we lost Dolly Parton and Tim Curry in the same week.
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  According to the Associated Press, Dolly Parton died Tuesday in Nashville after
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  a brief battle with cancer.
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  She was the country music icon behind Jolene, I Will Always Love You,
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  and 9 to 5, as well as an actor, businesswoman, and philanthropist.
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  And if you've ever had her boxed cake mixes, they were really good.
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  Rauters reported that Tim Curry also died Tuesday, peacefully,
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  at his home in Los Angeles.
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  He was best known as Dr.
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  Frankenfurter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
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  But he also gave us Clue, Annie, and that scary-ass Pennywise the Clown.
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  So one taught us to work 9 to 5, the other taught us to do the time warp.
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  And I am really superstitious, you guys. Like, celebrity deaths always come in threes.
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  So Cher, please stay indoors. And don't lift anything heavy. Hashtag Cher Watch.
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  Now, if the third one is Madonna, it doesn't count.
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  Because we're looking for three recent losses. She's been dead to the gay community
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  ever since Madame X came out. Ugh.
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  Moving on, ABC7 Los Angeles reported that a truck spilled about 120 containers
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  of cheese balls across the westbound 105 freeway near Linwood on Tuesday.
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  The California Highway Patrol said drivers were actually stopping on the freeway
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  to grab tubs that hadn't broken open. I'm not making this up.
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  Now, I don't condone stopping on a freeway to steal cheese balls.
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  I mean, have you seen grocery prices?
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  These people weren't looters. I would call them more like extreme couponers.
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  So my theory, bear with me, I think this was actually a new reality game show
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  being filmed that's a mix between, like, Supermarket Sweep and Ice Road Truckers.
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  And I bet that's totally where Lindsay is right now, you guys.
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  I'm fully expecting her to return to New York, like, covered in a layer of Cheeto dust.
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  So, miss you, Lindsay.
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  Fox 13, Tampa Bay reports that a deputy driving in Dixie County,
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  Let me reiterate, Dixie County pulled over a man driving a red lawnmower down
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  a public road in Old Town, Florida.
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  According to the sheriff's office, a search of the bag found between his feet,
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  uncovered marijuana, clonazepam, crystal meth, and a syringe.
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  Police initially stopped him because a standard lawnmower doesn't meet the safety
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  requirements for a registered vehicle.
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  It feels a little nitpicky once you find out about the mobile Walgreens between his feet.
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  The sheriff's office said it remains committed to, quote, keeping illegal drugs
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  off the streets of Dixie County.
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  And I guess technically they succeeded. I mean, the drugs were like four inches
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  above the street, moving southbound at six miles an hour.
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  So, yeah, way to go, Dixie County police.
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  In Topher news, I have a story for you about something that happened to me a few months ago.
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  I was asked by a plastic surgeon to act in a commercial for his private practice
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  on the Upper East Side, and he said he would pay me with free Botox for a year,
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  right? So I was like, no taxes, where do I sign?
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  And I spent all day shooting this commercial where I'm riding a damn city bike
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  in Central Park when it's 95 degrees outside and I had to be dressed in like a sweater.
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  So I'm sweating my balls off and we wrap and I go home. And that night,
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  the doctor literally died in his sleep. It was so sad.
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  I never got my Botox, and my commercial never aired.
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  I mean, also he died. That was sad, too.
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  Friday's MVP of the week. This week's MVP is the town of Bunol,
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  Spain, for hosting the La Tomatina, the world's biggest food fight.
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  The Associated Press reported that on Wednesday, over 20,000 people descended
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  on Bunol, Spain to throw 165 tons of overripe tomatoes at one another for a full hour.
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  The first and only rule is that
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  you have to like squash the tomato before throwing it to prevent injuries.
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  So apparently, Spain has identified the exact point at which violent assault becomes whimsical.
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  And reports say that after the fight, the citric acid from the tomatoes actually
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  leaves the street cleaner than they were before.
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  So this isn't just a food fight. It's also aggressive public works.
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  Now, if I wanted to see people get tomatoes thrown at them, I'd just go watch
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  our daily sarcastic own Ray Farrow do stand up. Ayo!
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  Just kidding, Ray. You're hilarious. We love you. You're a star, baby.
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  So, Buenol, for bringing together 20,000 strangers to beat the living gazpacho
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  out of one another and somehow improving municipal sanitation.
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  You are our MVP of the week.
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  Cooking tip of the day? Don't put metal in the microwave. Feedback? Comments? Questions?
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  A nice Jewish boy looking for a date? Email lindsay at thedailysarcast.com A
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  nice gay Jewish boy looking for a date?
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  DM me on Instagram at Topher Aston.
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  Thanks for listening to my episode of the Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.
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  I'm Topher Aston, and you can find me at Topher Aston.
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  Check out my sketch comedy series Game Night on Instagram.
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  We're filming the final episode tomorrow, and oh, my quirky brother has gotten
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  into hat collecting, and he likes to unbox all his new hats on YouTube.
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  So if you like watching adult autism and ADD on full display,
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  watch Mr. Mumbles at Mr. Mumble 76 on YouTube.
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  Tune in Monday for another very special episode of The Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.