Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 168. Co-Parenting Chaos: Tinder, Truths & Uncomfortable Conversations

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168. Co-Parenting Chaos: Tinder, Truths & Uncomfortable Conversations · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appologie production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Place for you. Welcome back to another Bestie episode where
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: we share your anonymous stories. This is where, really where
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: the chaos happens. We have anything that you need advice on,
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: anything that you're struggling with, or something that is just
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: so far fetch that you're like, what the actual f
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: How do we deal with this? You can bring them
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: in here and we will give you bestie advice, just
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: like we would give to each other.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: So all right, here we go. My ex and I
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: have been separated for a few years now and co
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: print well. He has a partner and has been together
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  Speaker 1: for at least a year now. My daughter, who was eight,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: saw her dad's phone the other day and notice he
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: is on Tinder. I noticed that when you message him,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: he always has his phone on. Do not disturb. My
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: question is how do I approach it with my daughter.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: She's very mature of her age, and we speak age
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  Speaker 1: appropriate about anything that she asks. I've initially told her
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  Speaker 1: to just keep it to ourselves and it's her Dad's business.
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  Speaker 1: I have no opinion, and I know it's not my
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: business what he does and I shouldn't be involved. But
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I'm just wondering how to approach it with her because
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: she brings it up sometimes and says, should I tell
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  Speaker 1: Dad's girlfriend? And I just keep saying that he will
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: work it out himself and it's their business as we
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: don't know their relationship. But I never want her to
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: feel like she should be holding back on saying something
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  Speaker 1: if she feels strongly about it. He can be very
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: aggressive when he speaks, and I know he would tell
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  Speaker 1: her off for bringing it up with him, and the
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: kids find it difficult to communicate with him at times.
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  Speaker 1: But I want to support her the best way I can.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I was thinking I could say something to him on
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  Speaker 1: the down load so he can address it with my
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: daughter in a nice way to put her mind at ease,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: because he does respect my opinion. But I also want
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  Speaker 1: to totally avoid it, but do what's best for her
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: so she feels like she's been listened to and validate
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: how she feels about it. Oh that's a tough one,
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  Speaker 1: it is, but it's also such a big opportunity because
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: your daughter obviously has morals and values and integrity, and
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: she knows he's being dishonest and doing the wrong thing
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: to a committed relationship. And that's freaking amazing that she
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: already knows that. And I also know how scary it
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: is to have an aggressive parent that you can't approach
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: things with. But I think sounds like she has incredible
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: support with you, and I think you could really guide
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: her in having this conversation with.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Him, absolutely, And you know, even with her, it's hard
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: when you have somebody who is combative right that you
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: can't communicate with. But at the end of the day,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: speaking up is never about what the other person says.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: It's not about how they react, how they respond. It's
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: about you proving to yourself that you are worth voicing
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: what is important to you and what you truly believe
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  Speaker 2: is right in the world. And I think if you
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: can teach her that lesson from a really young age,
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  Speaker 2: I think that will benefit her long into her adult years,
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  Speaker 2: where she's not going to look for the approval or
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: the other person to agree with what she's saying, but
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  Speaker 2: for her to actually feel strong enough in her voice
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  Speaker 2: to go this fucking matters. This is important to me.
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  Speaker 2: And also, you're somebody that I love, and I see
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: that you're doing something else wrong.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and even if he does tell her off or
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: tell it to mind her own business, you can then
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: reassure her that yeare, regardless of what he says, that
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: she's done the right thing by being honest and using
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: her voice. And also, it's pretty cool if your eight
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: year old's holding you to a higher standard to be
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: a better man. Yeah, take a look in the mirror. Yeah,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: eight year old's pulling you up on this. Yeh wow.
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  Speaker 1: I also think it wouldn't be a bad idea, Like
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  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes. I
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  Speaker 1: think I probably would take the path of say it
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  Speaker 1: was Steve and I and where we were broken up
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  Speaker 1: and this was happening. I think I probably would contact
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  Speaker 1: him and say, this is what our daughter's noticed. She
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: wants to come to you. She's really scared, she thinks
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: it's wrong what she's seen, and I've encouraged her to
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  Speaker 1: have a conversation with you. Can you hold her in this?
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  Speaker 1: Please try not to be aggressive to her, because it's
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  Speaker 1: really good that she's wanting to speak up, but she's
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  Speaker 1: scared of you. I would think most fathers would be like, fuck,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want my daughter being scared of me. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and shit, she's caught me out, you know. I an't
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  Speaker 1: they going to handle this? Yeah, but I think pre
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: amping it so that he isn't put on the spot
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  Speaker 1: then and gets really angry at the daughter because she
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: doesn't deserve that either.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: She doesn't get the immediate reaction, mediate reaction.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: That could come across very aggressive. So he's got a
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: bit of warning to think about how he's going to approach. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: and then you as the mum, just keep reassuring that
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  Speaker 1: your daughter that she's doing the right thing and she's
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: done an amazing job, and good on her for using
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: her voice. And then also say, gosh, if you ever
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: notice anything that I'm doing that doesn't feel right for you,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: you can always bring this into me. I love that
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: you do this, you know, really like amp her up
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  Speaker 1: and encourage her because much if she can be a
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: leader and a trial blazer and being honest and vulnerable
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  Speaker 1: and powerful in her own voice and sticking up for
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  Speaker 1: what she believes in, that's incredible. That is incredible.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's also cool that you can show her
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: that you're also open to growth as well, because you're
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: teaching her by saying this, like what you just said.
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  Speaker 2: If I'm ever doing this, you can let me know.
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  Speaker 2: You're showing her, Hey, it's okay to take accountability if
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: something's not right, or you're doing something that doesn't feel good,
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  Speaker 2: or you know, it's okay to pull people up on
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: their mistakes or you wanting to encourage them to be
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: a better human. You're teaching her that it's safe to
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: do that, and you're also showing her what it looks
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  Speaker 2: like for a human to be willing to receive that
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  Speaker 2: as well. That's also going to teach her really powerful
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  Speaker 2: skills when she's older.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just as we are pulling our kids up when
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: they're not doing the right thing. Yeah, and they get
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: to certain age, like Taj will pull me up sometimes
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: if I'm like, Taji, let's not raise our voice. That's
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: not KINDI He's like, well you did last week, Like
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: you're right, and I'm so sorry for that. It's the
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: opportunity for me to own my stuff and be like, gosh,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I should have breathed more, or next time I'm going
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: to do this, and it shows them it's human to
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: make mistakes but also to like clean up her own
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: late So it's really cool. She sounds super emotionally intelligent,
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: which just props to you as a mum as well. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: that's amazing. Yeah, I would get in contact with your ex,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: pre warn him and then encourage your daughter to have
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: the conversation. It's crazy she knows what Tinder is. I
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: don't know if Taj would know what Tinder is. And
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: it is interesting, yeah, an eight year old. But maybe
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: because they're both single, they've spoken about dating apps and
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: now mummy's single, daddy single, Well he's not, he's got
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: a girlfriend.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: But all she did say that they're super open about
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: anything that she's curious about, so they probably had so
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  Speaker 2: cautions about it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, not a bad thing to teach them all about
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  Speaker 1: how people date these days, I suppose because they're going
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: into that world when they're older. That's true back in
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  Speaker 1: my day dating apps, but it's very what people do. Yeah,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I would love an update if you ever feel like
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: bringing it back in. What did you end up doing,
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  Speaker 1: how did he respond? How did your daughter handle it?
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, cool submission.
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  Speaker 2: It's such a cool opportunity this as well for you
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  Speaker 2: to heal the part of you that is potentially still
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: wanting to avoid conflict. Yeah, you know, the part of
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: you that maybe doesn't feel comfortable for you to speak up, for.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: You to say something out, You know what I mean.
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  Speaker 2: It's like you can rewrite this story and as this
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  Speaker 2: lesson for your daughter for yourself as well, which is
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  Speaker 2: a really beautiful thing. I think as women we can
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: always work on being stronger in our voice because it's
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: something we really struggle with, let's be honest, and something
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: that we feel is not necessarily a strong point unless
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: we actively work on it. How do you want to
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: be a role model for your daughter? Do you want
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  Speaker 2: to be able to be confident in your voice and
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  Speaker 2: feel certain about the things that are important to you
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  Speaker 2: and be willing to stand up for what you believe in?
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  Speaker 2: And are you going to emulate that for your daughter
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  Speaker 2: to witness into.
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  Speaker 1: Takes practice to have the opportunity to practice that. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: thank you so much for your submission.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Alright, you will see you on the next one.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: And also, if you guys have a submission, feel free
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: to drop it in. Just join our Facebook forum. She rises,
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: and the link is in there. Otherwise she just said
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: DM on Instagram, we can send you the link directly
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: in it.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: Absolutely we've got all the advice for we do. Thanks guys, Bye,