Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Communicating with your high-conflict, toxic or narcissistic ex after divorce

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Communicating with your high-conflict, toxic or narcissistic ex after divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today on the podcast, I'm going to talk about communication and specifically, I'm going to talk about communicating with a high conflict, narcissistic or toxic ex-partner.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're getting divorced or you are divorced for really good reasons.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for many of you, it would be great if you could just walk away and never have to speak with or engage with your ex again.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: But while you're negotiating your divorce and if you have kids, this isn't realistic, it's just not how it's going to be.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Communicating on a regular basis with someone you'd rather not ever see again is actually pretty tricky, but it is what many of you will have to do or perhaps are already doing after you've divorced or separated.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if your ex is high conflict, if they're toxic, if they're narcissistic, it can be completely nightmarish.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'm gonna say coaching with me can absolutely help you if this is your situation.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Soak in therapy with the right therapist, and choosing the right support network, including the right legal pathway and the right legal practitioner, is going to be crucial for you.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there are really great reasons in the literature, in the research that support calm collaborative communication being the best way forward through separation and divorce, best for you, best and better outcomes for your kids, but it's not always possible.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And what if it's not you that's initiating the toxic communication?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: What if you are being smashed, inundated with emails or texts or calls?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's happening in face-to-face exchanges?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: What can you do?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: What are your options?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, firstly, I'm going to suggest that you document everything.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: You document it, you keep screenshots, whatever it is, in one place.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it all filed in one place.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now you may never need to access this stuff, but it can be used as evidence in in court if your matter was to go to court.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It can be used as evidence of family violence, so definitely keep records.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And with my clients, I say keep a record, yes, store it, yes, file it away and then let it go.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't suggest that you keep a file so you can go over and over this stuff and rehash it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's just filed away.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it filed away in case you need it at some future point.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You might need to go back and reference it, you might need to go back and check something, you might need to know dates or times, but file it, and when it's filed, release yourself from it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can also use what is known as the grey rock or yellow rock method or technique.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to talk about that on this episode.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think it warrants a whole other episode of its own.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So watch for that upcoming.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be until the new year, but I will record something on that, I promise you.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm going to talk about today is a strategy, a structure that you can use around your communication if you are dealing with someone who is high conflict, narcissistic, toxic, whatever you want to call them.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: We don't call them high conflict.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it is called the BIF response, B I F F and it's something that was developed by a guy called Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute as a model to be used for communicating, particularly with high conflict individuals, and it is beautiful to apply, it is beautifully applicable, I probably should say, to dealing with a high conflict ex-partner or co-parent.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So BIF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So brief, keep it brief.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Usually two to four sentences is going to be enough, and that is to make sure there's nothing that triggers further conflict or engagement or interaction.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it brief.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it informative.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Give straight information, no opinions, no defenses, no arguments, just keep it to information that is necessary to be communicated, keeping it friendly.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now this can feel a little bit counterintuitive, particularly if what's coming at you is anything but friendly.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: But if you use a friendly tone in response, it can help to calm the conflict rather than inflame or escalate it.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the final F in the biff method the biff method, that's really hard to say, is firm.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: So being firm doesn't mean harsh or blunt or combative, it just means crafting your communication to put an end to the conversation or simply asking a yes-no question, being firm.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: But before we dive deeper into the biff method, I want you to consider this.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Before you even respond to communication from your ex-partner, ask yourself: is there actually a question in here?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being asked for something?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is there any information that's being asked of me?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a question in the communication?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I is there something in here that I actually need to respond to?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes it's just a dump.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's no question or there's no request in it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's no, you're not being asked for anything, you're just being dumped at.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So before you respond, look for the question, look for the information that's being asked of you.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Often, an overly emotional or an emotionally charged message doesn't actually require a response.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is being asked of or demanded of you.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And these you might, these sorts of messages you might choose to completely leave alone.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to talk a little bit more about that later in the episode.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: But check, check with yourself, am I being asked for something here?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being asked for something overtly?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: What am I being asked here?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Next, ask yourself, is my response time sensitive or is this question time sensitive?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to respond to this right now?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And again, often the message isn't time sensitive or isn't urgent, and your response can wait, at least until you're certain that you're not knee-jerk reacting or responding from an emotionally activated or triggered space.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be in a space or in a state where you where you do actually respond rather than simply react.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You want to limit the communication, to dial down the conflict and not inflame it or keep it going on.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's also good to remind yourself, and I share this with my one-to-one clients, that the message itself, the message itself has no power.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It only takes on power if you allow it to, if you give it power or more meaning than it warrants.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So just pausing when a message comes in or a barrage of messages come in and looking for am I being asked something here?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Does this require a response right now, or can that wait?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can help you diffuse the power that a message has.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just before we dive into the second part of this episode, if there are things that are resonating with you in this particular episode, this is your invitation.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to jump on a free intro call with you to chat through coaching options.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link in the bio to book a call directly in my calendar.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I'd love for you to do is to share this episode with anybody you know who might be supported by it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now I'm going to step through each of the components of the Biff method one by one.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: B.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: B is for brief.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it short, keep your response brief, giving only what is necessary, what is absolutely necessary.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, keep it brief even if the initial message, the incoming message, is paragraphs or pages long.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: If it is paragraphs long, one line response per paragraph at max.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Pick out the essential items, the essential things that need to be responded to, and respond only to that.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: In terms of your writing, your response, strip out all unnecessary words or emotive language.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can draft it and give it to a third person to have a look at, to edit, and this is something that I offer with my one-to-one clients.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I edit the communication to strip out unnecessary emotive or inflammatory language, and thereby coach my clients to craft a biff style response.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I coach myself out of a job by teaching my clients how to do it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So keep it brief because keeping it brief reduces the chances of a high-emotion inflammatory back and forth response or engagement.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: The more you write, the more material the other person, your ex has to work with, to criticize, to react to.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping it brief also sends a clear message that you're not interested in being hooked into an argument or an ongoing back and forth dialogue.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Again, make sure you're responding, not reacting.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So dial down your own emotions first so you can avoid feeling attacked or taking their comments personally, and you don't then actually retaliate with our personal attack on them.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So dial down your own reactivity, check in with your emotional state before you draft a response.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you are feeling uh personally attacked, and high conflict individuals will often go on the personal attack, you don't have to defend yourself.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you know, if your friends and family still like you, you don't have to prove anything to those who actually don't, or who or give um give time and energy where it's it's not warranted.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you're divorcing your toxic or your narcissistic ex for really good reasons, so you actually don't need to care about what they think of you or defend yourself to them.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it really brief, don't be hooked into defending yourself if it's a personal attack, don't engage in an argument.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you do feel you have to respond, something like I will only respond to messages about the children, or something along those lines can help to shut it down.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then you are actually free to ignore further incoming messages, incoming attacks, or messages that don't, e.g., relate to the kids.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if it is you who needs information from your ex, it's also important to keep it brief.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Craft your message so that it invites the least amount of engagement.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say it again.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Craft your message so that it invites the least amount of engagement.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Ask a question that requires a yes-no response or answer.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to, provide two options that can be chosen between.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want option A or would you prefer option B?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And stick to that narrative and that pattern.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it brief regardless of whether you are asking for information or are you responding to an incoming message.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I in Biff is for informative.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your message informative and accurate and provide only the information that's relevant.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, respond and give direct information, keep your language neutral and without emotion, opinion, defense, or argument.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Stick to the facts, keep it informative.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can you can correct inaccurate statements which might be seen by others in the future, but still focus on the facts.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the inaccurate statements the other person made.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And what do I mean by this?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: If, for example, your ex has accused you of blocking their calls or not taking their calls, um, you can respond with I was in an all-day meeting yesterday and unable to answer your call.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have you su did you have something you need to ask me about the children?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not inviting further um argument or engagement, it's just really stating the fact and discounting um or correcting, I should say, the inaccuracy in the accusation.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Try really hard to keep your communication focused on the positives and avoid the negative comments.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely avoid sarcasm or threats or personal comments about your ex.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want them incoming, so don't send them outgoing.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Also, don't expect your ex to be empathetic or understanding, or in fact, even listen to you.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's highly likely they never really listened when you offered advice or um comment when you were together.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: If they have narcissistic tendencies, they actually can't self-reflect.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're incapable of accepting criticism or feedback, they lack the capacity for that personal insight.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: So personal comments about your ex, their behaviour will only add fuel.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: High conflict people will react with anger and keep the discourse, the conversation, the conflict going.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So stick to the facts and necessary information, let all the other stuff go.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: The next part of biff is friendly, and it's really tempting to fire back in anger or defense or drop in a little bit of sarcasm.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And hand on heart, have I always done the friendly?
• 16:21
  unknown: No.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times when I've sent a message or a response that probably isn't biff.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if that happens, forgive yourself, show yourself compassion, use it as a learning tool and move on.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is really hard at times to not fire back.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: But what you're doing is trying to minimize conflict and you're trying to limit interaction and engagement.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you're more likely to achieve this by responding by writing back in a friendly manner.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be friends, but in a friendly manner, or at least not a combative one.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Bill Eddy says that consciously thinking about a friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly or at least neutral response in return.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: But with a narcissistic or particularly high conflict X, even that might be too high of an expectation.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: What you want is to shut down the communication as quickly as you can, close it out without exacerbating or inflaming a conflict.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: So if your goal is to end the conversation, minimize the conflict, being friendly gives you the best chance.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't leave much room for further attack.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it leaves less room.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: So don't give the other person, don't give your high conflict ex a reason to get defensive and to continue responding.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: So friendly doesn't mean that you have to be overly friendly or fluffy, but just aim to make it sound as relaxed and respectful as you can and be clear or be ensure that it's not antagonistic.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to, if it feels appropriate, you can always say, I recognize your concern, I appreciate you raising this issue, whatever.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: But keep those brief, brief comments that do show your empathy and respect because they may help to calm your ex down, even just in the short term, and at least won't or shouldn't antagonize them further.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So friendly is often the hardest part of a biff response when you're dealing with somebody difficult, toxic, narcissistic, or abusive, and you're feeling under siege by that barrage of communication, by accusation, by personal attack.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes it can be simply thanks for your email, or I appreciate your concerns, um is the best you can do.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can, but you don't need to close out with a friendly comment.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have a good day.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: See you when I drop the kids tomorrow.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I tend to suggest this as a starting point, but it's not necessary.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: So keep it friendly.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you don't have to be friends, but keep it friendly, light.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't think friendly, I just I offer you to shift it to respectful, courteous, business like.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: If friendly is too far a stretch for you, courteous, respectful, businesslike.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now the next part of a biff response is firm.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the goal of your response is to end the conversation as quickly as you can without further conflict, hostility, argument, aggravation.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's to close out the interaction.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: So try not to make comments that invite or open more discussion, more back and forth, unless you are actually negotiating a specific issue.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: So avoid open-ended comments like, I hope you will agree with me that, or whatever it is, because this invites the other person to tell you, actually, I don't agree.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: So be confident, be firm, and don't ask for more information if you're actually done with the conversation and you don't want to invite that ongoing back and forth.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can be firm and you can be confident and non-threatening and simply say something like, I've addressed the issue you raised and that's all I'm going to say about it.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: That is perfectly fine.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: It is firm, provided you have actually answered the question they've asked or addressed the issue that they've raised.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've already answered your question, um, that, and I'm not going to engage in any further discussion on this topic.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: The end.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you then get further messages or emails, this is when you can actually ignore them, provided as I said, you've already addressed the issue, answered the question, or given the information, and you've addressed any inaccurate information, any accusations.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you find you do need to respond again, don't engage emotionally.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Dial your emotions right down and keep it even briefer.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: It can be helpful to copy, paste.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Copy, paste, just keep copying and pasting that same response.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat, repeat the response exactly using the same words.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the same goes if it's you requesting information or requiring an answer to a question and you're getting blocked or you're getting just a barrage of um messages coming back that don't actually address the issue or answer your question.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Copy, paste, copy.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: paste what I need to know is X copy paste what I need you to answer is X not even what I need you to answer just copy paste the question keep it really super super brief if it is time sensitive if you need a response within a certain time frame set a firm but realistic reply date or time please let me know by XYZ note I say not would you please let me know the would you is unnecessary can be stripped out and could actually be answered with a no so don't invite the no response state firmly what you need it can be as far as I need or as simple as I need a response by 3 pm Friday and note again there's no explanation of why that time frame because that is actually superfluous information.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: You could include it to be a little more friendly depending where you're at with this um this other person this your ex depending on how the communication has been and is playing out between you I need a response by 3 pm Friday so I can let Sal know that how how many of us will be there for dinner something like that.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's already been back and forth and if the reason has already been communicated trim it out keep it as brief and as firm as possible if it is you that is responding um I always suggest that a timely response can be supportive in dialing down conflict and inflammatory communication.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I said earlier you don't have to respond immediately or to everything a timely response though is helpful in minimising the conflict or escalating the communication because it leaves less room for a barrage of messages a barrage of incoming messages also high conflict people tend to believe that you agree with them unless you relatively quickly offer your disagreement silence does afford them the space to attack with more messages and can be misinterpreted as agreement so yes take your time to respond yes dial down your emotions and your reactivity before you respond but do respond in a timely fashion so that they don't fire up at the other end.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: So biff brief informative friendly and firm and I also like to add a o I at the end and a oui stands for and occasionally ignore which I have alluded to already it is okay to occasionally ignore incoming messages particularly when there is no request for information there is no need to respond and there is no urgency.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: It can in fact at times be better not to respond at all particularly where there's no clear or real issue being discussed the communication is simply your ex, the other person's opinion of you it's a personal attack it's clear you're not going to change their view or you don't actually care about changing their view and particularly in this situation where you have already sufficiently responded that's when you that's when you close it out I have already answered your question I'm not willing to engage any further.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just to finish off some things to actively avoid in communicating with a high conflict toxic or narcissistic ex-partner particularly if you're trying to implement a biff style of communication strategy.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: So things to avoid getting hooked getting hooked back into the pattern the tit for tat they said you said type of exchange don't get hooked in and if you do get hooked in recognize it and step out of it avoid um black and white statements or black and white thinking like the you should have you always you never judgmental comments advocate avoid offering advice in inverted commas suggestions or issue issuing directives along the lines of you know what you need to do this can be seen as a personal attack especially when dealing with high conflict or narcissistic ex and it's not helpful it's not helpful in dialing down the the conflict and it's not helpful in closing out the communication quickly.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Again personal comments comments about the other person's character or behavior calling them names all of this just perpetuates the conversation the interaction and escalates the the conflict and keeps it going so make sure you stay focused and on topic even if your ex shifts the conversation in a different direction even if they go down a ranty pathway of personal attack do try to stay on topic even if they're getting distracted with other ideas or turns a conversation completely around draw it back with a let's stay focused on the issue of XYZ what I need to know from you is A B C and repeat your question.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Repeat your request and then copy paste.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just copy paste the question and on the flip side of that of course is if they keep responding once the issue has been resolved as I said earlier you've answered their question you've addressed their concern and they try to keep the conflict going it is okay to say something like I've answered your question already have a good evening you can say I've answered your question already this is my answer blah blah blah over and out kind of thing and sign off for the day for the night whatever it is so my tips for using and learning the biff method if it's something that's new to you ask yourself if it's necessary to respond ask yourself if there's anything that needs your response and if that response needs to be right now I suggest you write it out either on paper or in the notes section of your phone first don't type directly into the email or into the message write it somewhere else first so that you can check it over you can show it to someone else if it's a big ticket kind of item or a big ticket engagement communication and take out anything that's unnecessary or inflammatory.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: Check is it brief is it informative is it friendly is it firm?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is it brief?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out all your unnecessary words emotive language strip out anything that doesn't absolutely need to be in there is it informative so does it answer the question does it address the issue is it friendly is the is the tone neutral is it free of personal attack or blame or judgment or accusation is it friendly and if it's not friendly is it respectful is it businesslike and is it firm?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: So does it hold a boundary for you is it designed to close out the conversation or does it actually invite more interaction?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now the BIF method works best works best it is really designed or originally it was designed for written responses but once you're accustomed to it you can use it in face-to-face exchanges where your ex is engaging or attempting to hook you into a conflict or an argument say at changeover with the kids or an event where you're both present it's especially important and also especially difficult when this is done in front of your kids but if you apply a biff method it teaches them how to handle conflict how to handle disagreement it teaches them respectful ways of dealing with difficult conversations and conflict so it's really important to apply it and use it in face-to-face interactions in front of your kids it does take practice and it does take work to dial down your own emotions and reactivity to grey rocket.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: And also I want you to remember that anything you write anything you type anything you text can be shared as evidence in court if your family law matter if your divorce ends up there.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Fingers crossed it never does but remember if you wouldn't want something read out in court don't send it which is why it's really important to get someone else to look it over and to really actively choose to keep it brief informative friendly and firm I hope you found this helpful I will drop a link in the show notes to Bill Eddie's book books.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: He has one that is specific in terms of using the Biff method through separation divorce co-parenting which you might find really useful.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise just remember brief informative friendly and fair fair firm let's try firm brief informative friendly and firm if you know someone who might be helped by listening to this episode please share it with them and of course I would love I would love your feedback send me a message DM me on Instagram about what you most loved about this episode if you found it useful and also what you might like to hear in an upcoming episode.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: I always love getting your messages and having a chat about the podcast hearing your feedback share it with someone that you know might love it or need it and good luck with your BIFF communications going forward.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell Relationship Coach and you've been listening to Reflect, reclaim and liberate you can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode please please share it with them.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, reclaim and liberate.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until then