Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 139. Healing Yourself While Raising Children: Conscious Parenting with Psychologist & Author Dr. Shefali

Transcript

139. Healing Yourself While Raising Children: Conscious Parenting with Psychologist & Author Dr. Shefali · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production.
0:10
Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.
0:14
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment.
0:16
Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
0:19
Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises with Ashley and Tiana.
0:34
Speaker 2: We have a very special guest on Dr Shefarley. Welcome
0:38
Speaker 2: to she Rises.
0:39
Speaker 1: Hi, It's such a pleasure to be here. Thanks for
0:42
Speaker 1: having me.
0:42
Speaker 2: I'm really excited to have you on here. I've actually
0:44
Speaker 2: interviewed you before for a previous podcast, and I've been
0:47
Speaker 2: to one of your live shows. I've read your main book,
0:50
Speaker 2: and I've watched a shit ton of your content and
0:52
Speaker 2: absolutely love your mission, what you do for parents and
0:55
Speaker 2: how you help us understand what conscious parenting actually is.
0:58
Speaker 2: But for anyone who doesn't know who you are and
1:00
Speaker 2: what you do and what you help with, could you
1:02
Speaker 2: give us a little bit of about you in a nutshell?
1:05
Speaker 4: Sure?
1:05
Speaker 1: So. I'm known as the founder, the pioneer of conscious
1:09
Speaker 1: parenting and conscious parenting is basically a movement really to
1:14
Speaker 1: revolutionize the way we parent our children, and its basic
1:18
Speaker 1: premise is that the parent needs to raise themselves and
1:23
Speaker 1: our reactions have all to do with us. As much
1:27
Speaker 1: as we'd like to blame our children, you know, feel
1:29
Speaker 1: like they are the cause of everything, it is not true.
1:32
Speaker 1: And conscious parenting, you know, really challenges parents to own
1:37
Speaker 1: their own reactions and to heal their own past. Because
1:40
Speaker 1: we're bringing so much of our past emotional baggage into
1:43
Speaker 1: our parenting.
1:45
Speaker 2: It can be a hard pill to swallow for parents
1:47
Speaker 2: to hear that that it's more about parenting ourselves and
1:50
Speaker 2: parenting our children. For someone listening that has never done
1:54
Speaker 2: any of this work, who's like, what conscious parenting about me?
1:58
Speaker 2: But my kids being hard? What's something you would cite
2:01
Speaker 2: of them to get started on this journey of being
2:03
Speaker 2: a more conscious parent and how to bring their kids
2:06
Speaker 2: out without projecting and offloading our baggage, I suppose on
2:09
Speaker 2: to them.
2:10
Speaker 1: Well, I think the best way to bring parents on
2:12
Speaker 1: board is to remind them of how they felt as children.
2:17
Speaker 1: So we all have this inner child that felt suffocated
2:20
Speaker 1: and oppressed in our childhoods. And our job now is
2:24
Speaker 1: to repaarent that in a child. And when we were
2:26
Speaker 1: really children, we remember feeling indignant and angry and frustrated
2:32
Speaker 1: by our parents' unconscious reaction to us. So the way
2:36
Speaker 1: I break down a parent's resistance and I take them
2:38
Speaker 1: back to their childhood and I remind them, you know,
2:42
Speaker 1: how did you feel when your parents shamed you and
2:44
Speaker 1: humiliated you and punished you when you were just being
2:46
Speaker 1: a child and innocent and just you know, your brain
2:49
Speaker 1: had informed yet you weren't really intending to trigger your parents,
2:54
Speaker 1: but they were getting triggered all over the place, and
2:55
Speaker 1: they blamed you for it. How did that feel for you?
2:58
Speaker 1: And then when they can dip in and be honest
3:02
Speaker 1: about how shitty that felt and knowledge that they are
3:06
Speaker 1: still carrying that pain, then we have a little bit
3:09
Speaker 1: of an opening for them to kind of see the arc,
3:13
Speaker 1: to see how the pattern repeats itself, and then they're
3:16
Speaker 1: willing to kind of open up. But let me tell you,
3:19
Speaker 1: you know, it's a bit of pill to swallow, and
3:21
Speaker 1: parents don't want to look at themselves in the mirror.
3:23
Speaker 1: But also there's a part of them that knows that
3:27
Speaker 1: they're out of control. The actions are because they are
3:29
Speaker 1: out of control. They know that, they just don't want
3:31
Speaker 1: to admit it.
3:32
Speaker 2: You know, this shame around it because when we yell
3:35
Speaker 2: at our children or we do something that doesn't feel good,
3:38
Speaker 2: you carry shame in that right.
3:39
Speaker 1: It's hard yep, and that shame is that same shame
3:43
Speaker 1: that we felt as children and that our parents felt
3:46
Speaker 1: when they couldn't deal with.
3:47
Speaker 4: Us, and that's why they lost their shit.
3:49
Speaker 1: And it's this shame and guilt cycle that keeps, you know,
3:53
Speaker 1: wearing its head pattern after pattern, generation after generation.
3:57
Speaker 3: And so say, for someone like a parent who just
3:59
Speaker 3: comes into this work and starts to learn about this
4:01
Speaker 3: concept of conscious parenting, what is something that you know,
4:05
Speaker 3: you would invite them to look at when they're like, okay,
4:07
Speaker 3: they're being faced with it, They're like, okay, I'm starting
4:09
Speaker 3: to show up in the way that my parents did
4:11
Speaker 3: for me. What's something that you would invite them to
4:13
Speaker 3: look at when it comes to how they're showing up
4:16
Speaker 3: for their children.
4:17
Speaker 4: Yeah. I do this really fun exercise with parents.
4:20
Speaker 1: I asked them about their last trigger, and then I
4:24
Speaker 1: ask them what they did, and then we identify what
4:28
Speaker 1: kind of ego pattern they are in in My last
4:31
Speaker 1: book called the Parenting Map, identified five ego patterns. So
4:35
Speaker 1: typically when we're triggered, we feel really helpless, and because
4:38
Speaker 1: we feel helpless and we don't want to feel helpless,
4:41
Speaker 1: we put on a mask called the ego and we
4:44
Speaker 1: react outwardly to our children because we can't deal with
4:46
Speaker 1: what they are bringing up for us on the inside.
4:49
Speaker 1: So the ego masks are five, and they are either
4:52
Speaker 1: the fighter, which is self explanatory, the one who controls
4:56
Speaker 1: and rages and yelled and screams.
4:58
Speaker 4: Or the fixer.
4:59
Speaker 1: And the fixer is someone who swoops in and saves
5:01
Speaker 1: the day and rescues and people pleases, and you know,
5:04
Speaker 1: hete anyone to feel upset and can't bear any unhappiness
5:08
Speaker 1: and you know, wipes everyone's tears. And then the third
5:11
Speaker 1: one is the finner or the faker, the one who
5:14
Speaker 1: really just cares about social currency and how it looks
5:16
Speaker 1: to the outside world. They really don't care about being authentic,
5:19
Speaker 1: they care about the social validation. And then the last
5:22
Speaker 1: two are really from a more traumatized place. They are
5:26
Speaker 1: the wounds of the freezer. You know, men are very
5:29
Speaker 1: good at this. They just kind of shut down and
5:33
Speaker 1: avoid and freeze and then the fleer, and the fleer
5:36
Speaker 1: just jumps ship and just abandons everyone. So you know,
5:39
Speaker 1: I could ask you, you know, which which patterns do
5:41
Speaker 1: you think you guys have the fix off the show?
5:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was gonna say the rest of the rescuer
5:45
Speaker 2: and fix off for sure?
5:47
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah, And do you just have one or
5:49
Speaker 1: do you because many times women especially will start out
5:53
Speaker 1: being fixers and they'll fix and fix and fix till
5:55
Speaker 1: like nine thirty at night, and then they just lou
5:58
Speaker 1: their shit, you know, and then they become fighters and
6:01
Speaker 1: then they flee.
6:02
Speaker 4: They're like, I'm god.
6:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can be a combo, but you have
6:04
Speaker 1: your favorite, you know, your default mode. And men typically
6:08
Speaker 1: start out as freezers, you know, they just shut down,
6:11
Speaker 1: and then they are fighters. I think men typically go
6:13
Speaker 1: between fighter freezer, flear freezer fighter flear, you know, in
6:18
Speaker 1: that mode.
6:18
Speaker 4: I rarely hear a man say, oh I'm a fixer.
6:21
Speaker 1: They typically come out of the woman, the females. Man.
6:24
Speaker 2: It's funny you say that, because I was talking to
6:25
Speaker 2: my neighbor. We've both got two kids, and we're talking
6:28
Speaker 2: about gentle parenting, which I'd like to ask your person
6:30
Speaker 2: around that but she was like, I'm a gentle parent
6:32
Speaker 2: until five pm.
6:33
Speaker 5: Then I lose my shit. So it's similar.
6:35
Speaker 2: She must be like a fixer and a rescuer, and
6:37
Speaker 2: then at five pm she's a fighter and she's just
6:39
Speaker 2: trying to put all the fires out, get them to bed,
6:41
Speaker 2: and it's just like all help right slows because she's
6:43
Speaker 2: lost control.
6:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's why gentle parenting has nothing to do
6:46
Speaker 1: with conscious parenting, because gentle parenting is still a strategy.
6:51
Speaker 1: It's still like a fix it kind of a script
6:54
Speaker 1: which you are, you know, robotically following, but you're not
6:59
Speaker 1: being authentic. And that's why you can't do gentle parenting
7:02
Speaker 1: for long because it's fake, you know. And don't need
7:05
Speaker 1: us to be gentle out of a strategy. It should
7:08
Speaker 1: be something that we either are or we feel and
7:11
Speaker 1: be a body out of this flow state, and conscious
7:14
Speaker 1: parenting teaches us to go really deep, you know.
7:16
Speaker 4: Gentle parenting is very surface.
7:18
Speaker 1: It's about what we say and how we say it,
7:21
Speaker 1: but it has nothing to do with the deeper triggers.
7:23
Speaker 4: And this is about deeper healing.
7:25
Speaker 1: You know.
7:25
Speaker 2: M So that was my next question of like the
7:27
Speaker 2: difference between gentle and conscious parenting because whenever I've had
7:31
Speaker 2: conversations with not whenever, but there has been some parents
7:33
Speaker 2: I've spoken about gentle parenting or conscious parenting and now
7:36
Speaker 2: they're on the defense of well, children need boundaries. So
7:39
Speaker 2: you can talk about boundaries with conscious parenting and how
7:41
Speaker 2: your views on that.
7:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, And people think that when I say, you know,
7:45
Speaker 1: look at yourself and heal yourself, somehow people hear that
7:50
Speaker 1: as sex drugs and rock and roll.
7:52
Speaker 4: I'm like, in where have I said that there are
7:55
Speaker 4: no boundaries?
7:55
Speaker 1: Right? But they hear that because it's so fascinating. Let
7:59
Speaker 1: me just talk about this and I'll talk about boundaries.
8:02
Speaker 1: Is that the minute you ask a parent to give
8:04
Speaker 1: up control, they're like, okay, then I'm just gonna smoke
8:08
Speaker 1: weed with them. Like they go, they go completely to
8:10
Speaker 1: the other extreme, and that really speaks to their own
8:14
Speaker 1: inherent inauthenticity. It's like, because that's actually what's inside. They
8:19
Speaker 1: want to be reckless, they want to be rebellious, and
8:21
Speaker 1: they haven't yet integrated their own shadow self and that's
8:25
Speaker 1: why they think that the minute I say have compassion
8:27
Speaker 1: for your children, connect with your children, they equate it
8:30
Speaker 1: to sex drugs in rock and roll, because that is
8:32
Speaker 1: a shadow side of them that they haven't yet evolved into.
8:35
Speaker 4: We so equate.
8:36
Speaker 1: Parenting with control that the minute somebody says give up control,
8:39
Speaker 1: it feels like it's an orgy, you know, it feels
8:42
Speaker 1: like it's a drug party. It feels like that because
8:45
Speaker 1: the only two ways we think about life control or
8:48
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm not doing anything right. And that's why
8:50
Speaker 1: now there's this big debate around gentle parenting or fuck
8:53
Speaker 1: around and find out. I'm like, how are we even
8:55
Speaker 1: going back and forth? Like where did the other one
8:59
Speaker 1: come from? Because you know, I think what it is
9:02
Speaker 1: is that we are really angry inside, and we are
9:05
Speaker 1: pissedaff and we are actually not enjoying this anymore. And
9:10
Speaker 1: so we're working so hard through britted teeth and clenched
9:14
Speaker 1: jaws to be gentle, and then when we get too
9:17
Speaker 1: much pushback, we're like, FuG it, We're not doing this
9:20
Speaker 1: bug at all, and we're just like losing our shit
9:22
Speaker 1: and burning the house down. You know. But that's why
9:25
Speaker 1: none of this is conscious, and conscious parenting is really
9:28
Speaker 1: the you know, of course, I'm going to say this
9:30
Speaker 1: the real deal, because it's really looking at your bullshit
9:33
Speaker 1: and healing yourself and using this as an invitation to
9:37
Speaker 1: heal some of the crap from our childhood that we
9:39
Speaker 1: never got to do. So anyway, what are conscious boundaries?
9:42
Speaker 1: Conscious boundaries are an intrinsic, inherent, vital, essential, profoundly, you know,
9:48
Speaker 1: intricate part of conscious parenting. And conscious boundaries really are
9:54
Speaker 1: about how aligned are we as parents to our own values?
10:01
Speaker 4: Right?
10:01
Speaker 1: So we talk a lot, right, Oh, you know, I
10:04
Speaker 1: believe in healthy eating, But then our pantry is filled
10:07
Speaker 1: with cookies, and then our children are the cookie monster
10:10
Speaker 1: and they're eating the cookies, and now we're yelling at
10:12
Speaker 1: them as if they should have control of the cookies
10:15
Speaker 1: as opposed to we being aligned with the values of
10:18
Speaker 1: not having jump food in the house.
10:20
Speaker 4: Right, So a conscious boundary.
10:22
Speaker 1: Is number one, aligned with our own values, which means
10:26
Speaker 1: we have to be aligned. That is very hard to
10:28
Speaker 1: do in life. It's really easy to talk with, very
10:30
Speaker 1: hard to follow right to follow through, So that's extremely difficult.
10:35
Speaker 1: So it's so much easier to blame the children. And
10:37
Speaker 1: the second part about conscious boundaries, which is very hard
10:40
Speaker 1: for people to get, is that it has nothing to
10:42
Speaker 1: do with the children. So instead of yelling at your
10:44
Speaker 1: kids every day. Get off the Wi Fi, get off
10:46
Speaker 1: the internet. Get off the internet. Give me your phone,
10:48
Speaker 1: you take charge, and you turn off the Wi Fi.
10:52
Speaker 1: You just turn off the Wi Fi. You know, you
10:54
Speaker 1: take away the phone, you take out the cookies. So
10:56
Speaker 1: conscious boundaries are about you and you making a choice
11:00
Speaker 1: that works for you, and you don't give your power
11:04
Speaker 1: to your child, partner, your boss. So, for example, I
11:07
Speaker 1: tell many women, you know, stop explaining to your partner
11:11
Speaker 1: how they should respect you. Conscious boundaries is owning your
11:16
Speaker 1: power and your co creation here and realizing you can
11:21
Speaker 1: do something about it which has nothing to do with them.
11:23
Speaker 4: Meaning you can.
11:24
Speaker 1: Stop talking to your husband for the day, you can
11:27
Speaker 1: leave the house, you can ignore him, you can leave him,
11:31
Speaker 1: you can do so many things which have nothing to
11:33
Speaker 1: do with him. And that's what conscious boundaries are. So
11:36
Speaker 1: number one, it's about alignment. Number two, it's about taking
11:39
Speaker 1: the power and you doing something.
11:41
Speaker 5: I love that. Okay, I'm going to give you a scenario.
11:44
Speaker 2: So screens are very common in today's society with children,
11:49
Speaker 2: young young children.
11:50
Speaker 5: They're becoming a lot more addicted to it.
11:52
Speaker 2: If a parent's listen to this and saying, okay, I'm
11:54
Speaker 2: going to take away the iPad tonight and turn off
11:56
Speaker 2: the Wi Fi and all health breaks loose and their
11:58
Speaker 2: kids are screaming and tangering, getting angry.
12:01
Speaker 5: Can we talk discipline?
12:02
Speaker 2: How would you as a teacher, like, how would you
12:04
Speaker 2: help parents manage that and help their kids corregulate and
12:08
Speaker 2: understand because when they're in at stit can't You can't
12:11
Speaker 2: reason with the unreasonable. Toddler's not going to understand why
12:14
Speaker 2: they can't have their screen.
12:15
Speaker 1: Now, yep, And this is really what I'm going to
12:17
Speaker 1: be focusing on when I come to Australia. You know,
12:20
Speaker 1: I'm coming for a tour in March.
12:22
Speaker 4: And we're going to talk about all this but in
12:24
Speaker 4: a nutshell.
12:25
Speaker 1: So let's understand what a screen does to a child
12:30
Speaker 1: under the age of fourteen fifteen. A screen is worse
12:34
Speaker 1: than crack cocaine. So I would ask the parent is
12:38
Speaker 1: your value to give your child a drug? And they
12:41
Speaker 1: will look at me in horror and indignation and defensiveness
12:45
Speaker 1: and say, you know, never, I would never give a drug.
12:48
Speaker 4: Okay.
12:48
Speaker 1: So now we've established that their value is to not
12:51
Speaker 1: be a drug enabler, right, a drug peddlar. Okay? Good,
12:55
Speaker 1: So now when they see the data and the research
12:57
Speaker 1: and the science, and they realize that the screens are
13:00
Speaker 1: a drug. Then I would ask them, so would you
13:03
Speaker 1: like to give your toddler a screen? They'd be like no, okay,
13:06
Speaker 1: So now you're in alignment. So then taking away the
13:10
Speaker 1: drug and your child having a tantrum is okay with
13:13
Speaker 1: you because you are in alignment, right, and you gave
13:16
Speaker 1: them the drug, so you're taking away the drug or
13:18
Speaker 1: toddler shouldn't have to have a screen to.
13:21
Speaker 4: Then fry from when the screen is leaving.
13:24
Speaker 1: So we get in alignment with that value, and then
13:28
Speaker 1: we do something about it. We don't expect the toddler
13:31
Speaker 1: to say, here, mammy, it's been twenty five minutes. I
13:34
Speaker 1: am going to keep my promise. The toddler has no memory,
13:36
Speaker 1: The teenager has no memory none, the husband has no memory.
13:38
Speaker 1: No one has any memory because the brain is getting
13:40
Speaker 1: hijacked and with this flood of dopamine. You see how
13:44
Speaker 1: you and I are. I see myself. I pick up
13:47
Speaker 1: the phone robotically and I check like a zombie.
13:50
Speaker 4: I don't even know what I'm doing.
13:51
Speaker 1: And then ten.
13:52
Speaker 4: Minutes go by and I go, what have I done?
13:54
Speaker 1: Nothing? Zero zilch nada, nothing. I'm just like a fiend
13:59
Speaker 1: looking for blood, you know. And it's so tragic. So
14:04
Speaker 1: it's actually be a narn issue. Squeeens are actually supposed
14:08
Speaker 1: to now be a narn issue because we should know enough,
14:11
Speaker 1: Like I didn't know, so I get to say I
14:13
Speaker 1: didn't know, but your generation knows. So there's absolutely no
14:17
Speaker 1: debate now how toxic they are for our children's breed.
14:21
Speaker 2: The alignment thing really hit for me because it's a
14:23
Speaker 2: silly example. But my little boy, his friends all drink
14:26
Speaker 2: slushies and they drink those prime drinks, and there's a
14:29
Speaker 2: lot of liquids with caffeine and loaded with sugars and stuff, and.
14:32
Speaker 5: That's not an alignment with what I would give him.
14:34
Speaker 2: He's nearly turning ten, but he asked, but he doesn't
14:36
Speaker 2: ask anymore because he just knows that it's a boundary.
14:38
Speaker 2: It's not what we have in our house, it's not
14:39
Speaker 2: what you can consume, it's not healthy.
14:41
Speaker 5: It's just no.
14:42
Speaker 2: And he stopped asking little Perio where he kept asking
14:44
Speaker 2: because his friend's having it. But it's just like a no.
14:46
Speaker 3: Now, yeah, of course, he just knows it, just knows
14:48
Speaker 3: it's standard.
14:49
Speaker 2: And we're in alignment now, and I've also educated him
14:51
Speaker 2: and what's in them and what it does to his body.
14:53
Speaker 5: Yeah, and he doesn't ask anymore. Yeah that's cool.
14:56
Speaker 4: And also but yeah, before you rest.
14:58
Speaker 1: Too happily on your laurels, let me just say, let's
15:02
Speaker 1: also understand that our children can talk switch the tide, okay,
15:06
Speaker 1: So not to be upset with yourself and then don't
15:10
Speaker 1: feel angry and guilty.
15:12
Speaker 4: They may test the boundary.
15:13
Speaker 1: Right. So for years I never gave my daughter McDonald's,
15:16
Speaker 1: and I was so proud of my purest, you know,
15:20
Speaker 1: healthy attitude. She'd never even entered the McDonald's. I couldn't
15:23
Speaker 1: wait to boast right and feel so good about myself.
15:26
Speaker 1: And then the minute she could drive, I used to
15:28
Speaker 1: track her car.
15:29
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh my god, if she had a McDonald's.
15:33
Speaker 1: So just know that there's only so much we can control.
15:37
Speaker 4: But at least we're doing what we can do.
15:38
Speaker 1: Now. When they have wings, it's their choice if to
15:41
Speaker 1: crash or burn, right, I mean, we can't control everything,
15:44
Speaker 1: but we can do the best we can in alignment
15:46
Speaker 1: with our values.
15:47
Speaker 3: So bring this conversation back into what we were talking
15:49
Speaker 3: about before with the screens. Say if there was a
15:52
Speaker 3: mom out there who was like, Okay, I'm going to
15:54
Speaker 3: do this. I'm going to you know, put my foot down.
15:56
Speaker 3: I'm going to create new boundaries based on my new values.
16:00
Speaker 3: And they're receiving that pushback. No matter what age their
16:03
Speaker 3: child is at, they're receiving pushback for some whether it's
16:05
Speaker 3: a tantrum, whether it's back chat, whatever. How would you
16:09
Speaker 3: teach or recommend a client, like learn how to regulate
16:12
Speaker 3: themselves when they're in the thick of that like pushback,
16:15
Speaker 3: when they're like, oh my god, I'm going to break
16:17
Speaker 3: right now.
16:17
Speaker 5: I need to just give them the screen so I
16:19
Speaker 5: can cook dinner and like just have a moment to myself.
16:21
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like in those moments when they're feeling really desperate,
16:23
Speaker 3: how would you support them? What would you encourage them
16:26
Speaker 3: to do in that moment?
16:27
Speaker 5: Because you can see it's a tool of what our
16:28
Speaker 5: parents use.
16:29
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Well, first we have to take into account,
16:34
Speaker 1: you know that we don't do these things in the
16:36
Speaker 1: heat of the moment because our children will literally beat
16:40
Speaker 1: us down.
16:41
Speaker 4: Okay, depending on how old they are.
16:43
Speaker 1: We need to be really wise now because this is
16:46
Speaker 1: an addict. Okay, So if your kid is fourteen and
16:48
Speaker 1: taller than you. I suggest you don't do this when
16:52
Speaker 1: they are watching the iPad, like you.
16:54
Speaker 4: Don't be silly, right, It's okay. You know, we want
16:56
Speaker 4: to be alive.
16:57
Speaker 1: So we do this incrementally, and we do this with
17:00
Speaker 1: the help of a coach, a therapist, you know, other
17:03
Speaker 1: strong people around who can help the detox process.
17:07
Speaker 4: Your kids are going to.
17:08
Speaker 1: Be lunatics if you take the stuff away without notice,
17:12
Speaker 1: without advance, you know, warning, without surrogacy. You know, you
17:16
Speaker 1: need to give them the passifier. What is the next
17:18
Speaker 1: thing that you're going to give them? You know, this
17:20
Speaker 1: is a serious addiction. My daughter's twenty two. I'm not
17:24
Speaker 1: taking a phone away, are you kidding? I don't want
17:26
Speaker 1: to be like she locked me up somewhere and no
17:29
Speaker 1: one will find me. You know, after a certain age
17:31
Speaker 1: you need to recruit like an army to help you.
17:34
Speaker 1: So we want to do this young and I know
17:36
Speaker 1: parents listening, they're like, oh my god, my kid is eight. Yeah,
17:40
Speaker 1: it's difficult, it is very difficult. But if they are
17:43
Speaker 1: under fourteen fifteen, we still owe it to them to
17:46
Speaker 1: create those limits and those boundaries. We do. Whether it's hard,
17:50
Speaker 1: whether they hit us they beat us. We can work
17:53
Speaker 1: through this together because the saving grace here is that
17:57
Speaker 1: their sanity, their emotional well being, the executive functioning can
18:02
Speaker 1: come back online.
18:05
Speaker 2: Think with we're really honeying on screens here, But I
18:08
Speaker 2: just know it's a big problem, and I'll be honest.
18:10
Speaker 5: My ten year old does have a computer.
18:12
Speaker 2: They also work on the computer at school, and when
18:14
Speaker 2: he comes home he sometimes has homework, he has to
18:16
Speaker 2: continue to work on his computer. So the boundaries of
18:19
Speaker 2: a screen, like how do you say, oh, you can't
18:22
Speaker 2: have your laptop, but he also needs it for school.
18:24
Speaker 1: It's so hard and that's why parents need to be
18:27
Speaker 1: outraged that culture has done this and set them up
18:31
Speaker 1: to be the bad guy. When culture is the bad
18:33
Speaker 1: guy a culture outside because it's capitalism, right, it's the
18:37
Speaker 1: oligarchs who are laughing their way to their bank at
18:40
Speaker 1: the expense of our children. And now parents and children
18:44
Speaker 1: are fighting when we were never fighting about this, we
18:47
Speaker 1: were fighting about other stuff. But now we're fighting about
18:50
Speaker 1: the damn phone. It's like the phone is a relationship
18:52
Speaker 1: or the screen is now the other key relationship in
18:55
Speaker 1: this house, and you're fighting your child's attention and they
18:59
Speaker 1: are hitting on you because you see the intoxication of
19:02
Speaker 1: a screen, because it's so dezire. Look at the whole
19:06
Speaker 1: concept of the Instagram reel, right. They made it so
19:09
Speaker 1: short because they knew that we as humans love novelty,
19:14
Speaker 1: and so they.
19:15
Speaker 4: Give it to us like in sports and sports and sports.
19:17
Speaker 1: And what that does is it keeps us hooked and
19:20
Speaker 1: hooked and hooked because we have spake after spike after spake.
19:23
Speaker 1: It is so toxic that they've done this to us
19:26
Speaker 1: knowing what they're doing, and we parents are now the victims,
19:30
Speaker 1: and our children are the bigger victims. But we're all
19:33
Speaker 1: being victimized by a culture that is relentlessly profiting from
19:37
Speaker 1: our addiction, from our weaknesses.
19:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a scary thing, isn't it. It's a big
19:43
Speaker 2: topic for parents. I'd like to move on to raising
19:46
Speaker 2: your voice and yelling. This is something that I talked
19:48
Speaker 2: to a lot of parents in and I've been really
19:50
Speaker 2: open on our podcast because I grew up in a
19:52
Speaker 2: household where yelling was basically the.
19:54
Speaker 5: Only form of communication.
19:56
Speaker 2: So as I've grown, I've really had to learn how
19:58
Speaker 2: to regulate my nervous system and look at my own patterns,
20:01
Speaker 2: and it's not often I will raise my voice, but
20:03
Speaker 2: every now and again I do, and I feel an
20:06
Speaker 2: immense amount of guilt and shame. I'm very fast repairing
20:10
Speaker 2: and owning what I've done. I'm reassuring that it's not
20:13
Speaker 2: their fault. But for parents that are regularly yelling and
20:15
Speaker 2: they know it's not good for their parents, can you
20:17
Speaker 2: maybe talk about the damage it does to them and
20:19
Speaker 2: what it does to our children's confidence and how it
20:21
Speaker 2: makes them fear us and otherwise they can discipline without yelling.
20:27
Speaker 4: Well, when yelling is chronic, now we have a problem.
20:30
Speaker 1: But there is no way a parent isn't going to
20:32
Speaker 1: yell for a moment or two every week. I mean,
20:34
Speaker 1: it's just I mean, you're going to you know, part
20:36
Speaker 1: of parenting is to raise our voice. But it's the
20:39
Speaker 1: pronicity of it, it's the intensity of it, it's the
20:42
Speaker 1: duration of it, and then it's the.
20:44
Speaker 4: Lack of repair of it. So you don't have to worry.
20:47
Speaker 1: You know, you're actually teaching them it's okay to be
20:49
Speaker 1: flawed and imperfect and lose it. You're teaching them the
20:52
Speaker 1: power of repair and accountability and owning it. It's invaluable.
20:56
Speaker 1: Those are good lessons too. But when it is our
20:58
Speaker 1: only go to like the fighter mask, right, we're fighting
21:01
Speaker 1: about everything?
21:01
Speaker 4: Why are we fighting? Right?
21:03
Speaker 1: That takes deeper in a world to go wow. I
21:06
Speaker 1: literally raise my voice anytime I'm upset, even the slightest.
21:10
Speaker 1: That parent needs to look at themselves in the mirror
21:11
Speaker 1: and realize that they have developed this ego mask of
21:14
Speaker 1: the fighter and they are dissociating from what's going on
21:17
Speaker 1: really inside. They have to get in touch with them
21:20
Speaker 1: or that in a child with that nervous system, and
21:22
Speaker 1: regulate and really center themselves in the present moment.
21:26
Speaker 5: It's the same with hitting.
21:27
Speaker 2: I've got a girlfriend that smacked her little boy a
21:29
Speaker 2: couple of times, and I felt really triggered because I
21:31
Speaker 2: got hit as a little girl, and it's just something
21:33
Speaker 2: I promised myself I would never ever do to my kids,
21:35
Speaker 2: and I haven't done. I don't ever feel like I
21:37
Speaker 2: want to be physical with them. But my husband said,
21:40
Speaker 2: have compassion for her, because I think when a parent hits,
21:43
Speaker 2: it's when they're at that absolute peak. That's when they've
21:46
Speaker 2: lost control. But it's still coming back to taking responsibility right,
21:49
Speaker 2: of regulating your nervous system and not allowing yourself to
21:52
Speaker 2: get to that point where you've lost or control. So
21:54
Speaker 2: what advice do you have for parents, because I'm guessing
21:57
Speaker 2: it does come back to the right of the nervous
21:58
Speaker 2: system where it's at.
22:00
Speaker 1: See, if you were to go and approach her, I'm
22:02
Speaker 1: not saying you should. I'm saying if you were to
22:05
Speaker 1: and you went to her with judgment, it would do
22:07
Speaker 1: no good because she's actually judging herself. She's actually so
22:10
Speaker 1: hard on herself, and she doesn't have the resources and
22:13
Speaker 1: the skills.
22:14
Speaker 4: But if you went to her with compassion and said,
22:16
Speaker 4: you know.
22:17
Speaker 1: I was a yellower, ey used to lose my shit too,
22:20
Speaker 1: I totally understand. I saw this in my own family,
22:23
Speaker 1: and you know, I did this work on myself, and
22:26
Speaker 1: this is how I'm helping myself. And here, take this book,
22:29
Speaker 1: The Conscious Baron, written by doctor Sheafali, and you can
22:32
Speaker 1: gently heal you know, a little part of her that
22:35
Speaker 1: feels ashamed but doesn't know where to go, you know.
22:38
Speaker 1: And everyone gets scared to tell the yellow that they're yellow,
22:41
Speaker 1: but actually they need to hear it with compassion, right,
22:44
Speaker 1: they need to hear it. I remember I was once
22:46
Speaker 1: on vacation with my twelve year old daughter she was
22:48
Speaker 1: twelve back then, and I saw father yelling at his
22:51
Speaker 1: little seven year old son and she was like, Mom,
22:55
Speaker 1: don't go, don't go dose anything. And I was like, no,
22:57
Speaker 1: I have to. You know, if we all just collude
23:00
Speaker 1: and allow because we're scared of the parents' retaliation, then
23:04
Speaker 1: we'll never change it. With love and compassion, I said
23:06
Speaker 1: to him, you know you are damaging this child and
23:09
Speaker 1: this will last for years and decades.
23:11
Speaker 4: You don't want to do that.
23:12
Speaker 5: How did he respond that?
23:13
Speaker 1: Literally his mouth was left open, and I said, you
23:16
Speaker 1: have to stop hitting this floor boy right now. He
23:18
Speaker 1: will be damaged and remember this for the rest of
23:20
Speaker 1: his life. You cannot do this to him.
23:22
Speaker 4: And then I ran.
23:23
Speaker 1: Away too because I was scared that he'd retaliate. But
23:26
Speaker 1: while I was there, he just was just staring at me,
23:29
Speaker 1: because I think he was taken aback a penny dropped
23:32
Speaker 1: for a little moment at least, that he needed to
23:34
Speaker 1: interrupt his pattern.
23:35
Speaker 5: Because he would have been caught in that.
23:37
Speaker 3: He would have been as somebody is actively seeing me
23:39
Speaker 3: in the behavior that I'm doing. When I imagine in
23:41
Speaker 3: the moment, he would have been so engulfed in his
23:43
Speaker 3: rage in that moment that he couldn't see anything else,
23:46
Speaker 3: let alone how exactly his son.
23:48
Speaker 2: I really admire you for interrupting him, because I do
23:51
Speaker 2: the opposite.
23:52
Speaker 5: I get so scared.
23:53
Speaker 2: My fear is if I interrupt a pattern like that,
23:55
Speaker 2: is that that'll make the parent more angry and they'll
23:58
Speaker 2: take that out of the kid more.
24:00
Speaker 5: So that's always my fear. But why when I see, yeah, and.
24:02
Speaker 1: That could happen too, that that could happen. But I think, yeah,
24:06
Speaker 1: it's a judgment call. You know, I wouldn't do it
24:08
Speaker 1: all the time. I'd have to be smart about it.
24:10
Speaker 1: I don't want to really, you know, in danger myself.
24:13
Speaker 1: It's not worth it. But you know, you make a
24:15
Speaker 1: call and you take a risk. But my basic point
24:18
Speaker 1: is that we do need to check each other, and
24:21
Speaker 1: we need to stop being so fragile about our preciousness.
24:25
Speaker 1: That we're such precious parents And oh my god, nobody
24:27
Speaker 1: loves my kid as much as me. Who cares if
24:29
Speaker 1: you love your kid right now, you're damaging your kid.
24:31
Speaker 1: I don't care what you think you feel about your kid.
24:34
Speaker 1: It's the impact you're having on you.
24:36
Speaker 2: What about if a parent respond with the back to
24:38
Speaker 2: the hitting or the yelling, Oh, that's the only way
24:41
Speaker 2: they listen to me. That's the only way that they'll
24:43
Speaker 2: do what I tell them to do. That's just how
24:44
Speaker 2: my kid is.
24:45
Speaker 4: That's a really tough nut to crack.
24:47
Speaker 1: And then you have to sit with them and show
24:49
Speaker 1: them how they have set this up where the child
24:54
Speaker 1: now is almost doing this out of self sabotage. If
24:58
Speaker 1: the child only listens this way in some way, you've
25:02
Speaker 1: kind of just beaten the spirit out of your child too, right.
25:05
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just such a horrible, toxic, sad, tragic pattern.
25:10
Speaker 1: And it's a lie that your child will only listen
25:12
Speaker 1: to you that way, because millions of us raise our
25:15
Speaker 1: children albeit them and I'll listen to us perfectly, but
25:18
Speaker 1: they listen eventually, and we haven't raised a finger on them.
25:21
Speaker 1: So there are other ways to do this. The parent
25:23
Speaker 1: is lying to themselves because that's probably what their parents did,
25:27
Speaker 1: and they're justifying in order to, you know, keep that
25:30
Speaker 1: guilt feeling from eating them up.
25:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you hear comments like, well, it turned out
25:35
Speaker 2: all right, But I think there's always things we can
25:36
Speaker 2: do to improve the way that we parent, the way
25:38
Speaker 2: we show up. I mean, I've read your book The
25:40
Speaker 2: Conscious Parent and it was one of the most amazing
25:43
Speaker 2: books I've ever read. You've got other books as well,
25:45
Speaker 2: Do you want to tell us about those?
25:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, So my latest one is called The Parenting Map,
25:50
Speaker 1: and that's what I will be covering when I come
25:52
Speaker 1: on tour in March. The concepts on that book, it's
25:55
Speaker 1: a step by step, twenty step journey to you know,
25:58
Speaker 1: mastering your own triggers and really reconnecting with your child.
26:03
Speaker 1: And it's a fantastic easy to read the parenting Maps
26:06
Speaker 1: that people should get that. But I have workshops, I
26:08
Speaker 1: have a community, and in my community, for just sixteen
26:11
Speaker 1: dollars a month, you get all my courses. So if
26:14
Speaker 1: people want to binge on my courses, they should just
26:16
Speaker 1: join the community. And then of course I have a
26:19
Speaker 1: coaching institute and I coach people to do the work
26:22
Speaker 1: I do. And that's a flourishing institute where people become
26:26
Speaker 1: certified coaches and go out into the world and have
26:29
Speaker 1: a career doing.
26:30
Speaker 4: What I do.
26:31
Speaker 1: And I teach them every single method of mine to
26:34
Speaker 1: change families.
26:36
Speaker 5: I love that.
26:36
Speaker 2: And then you're coming on tour. I know you said
26:38
Speaker 2: I came to the last one. You were in Australia,
26:40
Speaker 2: and I really loved how interactive you were with the audience.
26:42
Speaker 2: You got people up on stage and you gave examples,
26:44
Speaker 2: and you broke people down and you helped us understand.
26:47
Speaker 2: And I remember you being met with a lot of
26:49
Speaker 2: resistance from parents, but eventually once their guard came down,
26:53
Speaker 2: they were like, oh my gosh, and there was tears
26:55
Speaker 2: and massive breakthroughs. Is that the similar kind of experience
26:58
Speaker 2: you'll be holding when you come in March as well?
27:00
Speaker 1: Well?
27:01
Speaker 4: Yes, very interactive Q and A people on stage. Hopefully.
27:04
Speaker 1: What's the most important part of my work, I think
27:07
Speaker 1: is that every parent will leave with a radically awakened
27:12
Speaker 1: paradigm shift. And that's what we want. We don't want
27:16
Speaker 1: to just give tools and scripts, but you fundamentally stay
27:20
Speaker 1: the same. This is not about, you know, just filling
27:23
Speaker 1: in a different kind of gas in the car. This
27:25
Speaker 1: is about completely reworking the frame. And that's what I
27:29
Speaker 1: offer parents, a whole new different way of looking at
27:33
Speaker 1: your relationship as a parent to your own parents and
27:37
Speaker 1: truly reimagining that relationship.
27:40
Speaker 5: That's so beautiful.
27:41
Speaker 3: I think it gives a lot of new parents as well,
27:44
Speaker 3: like anyone who is already a parent who already has
27:46
Speaker 3: been through the seasons of challenges their face. And also
27:49
Speaker 3: any women or families who haven't yet had children but
27:52
Speaker 3: know that there's a different way of parenting. You know
27:55
Speaker 3: that it doesn't have to be the way that they
27:56
Speaker 3: grew up and what they learned and the impact that
27:59
Speaker 3: was left on them. Like they get to choose how
28:02
Speaker 3: they leave a mark on their children and it gets
28:04
Speaker 3: to be better than what they experience, and I think
28:05
Speaker 3: that's so beautiful.
28:07
Speaker 1: Exactly exactly, And on my podcast which drops every Tuesday,
28:12
Speaker 1: I do coaching sessions with real life cases in real time, unedited, unscripted,
28:17
Speaker 1: so if people just want to understand what they can
28:20
Speaker 1: do with a host of situations, right, I have parents
28:22
Speaker 1: who are coming in with teenagers, I have divorced couples,
28:25
Speaker 1: I have step parents have so it's like you get
28:27
Speaker 1: to see a whole gamut of clients who come into
28:30
Speaker 1: my podcast sessions and parents can really relate because it's
28:35
Speaker 1: unfolding in the present moment.
28:37
Speaker 5: It's really cool.
28:38
Speaker 2: It's cool that you've got so many different ways where
28:40
Speaker 2: parents can learn. So, whether you're a reader or you
28:42
Speaker 2: love listening to podcasts, you do live events, you've got coaches,
28:45
Speaker 2: You've got a subscription like how you learn. Yeah, there's
28:48
Speaker 2: so many ways that they can have access to what
28:50
Speaker 2: you do. And I think, as a parent myself, I'm
28:52
Speaker 2: always wanting to be better for my kids.
28:54
Speaker 5: You know.
28:54
Speaker 2: You hear parents say I would do anything for my kid,
28:57
Speaker 2: But would you really would you go to that extent
28:59
Speaker 2: of like healing your own traumas and triggers so that
29:02
Speaker 2: you can show up better?
29:03
Speaker 5: Like would you really do anything? Like would you do this? Yeah?
29:06
Speaker 5: Where can everyone find?
29:07
Speaker 1: Yeah? Exactly on Instagram It's doctor Sheffie spelled out d
29:11
Speaker 1: C T R S E G F Ali. And then
29:14
Speaker 1: my website is doctor Badr Shaffali dot com.
29:18
Speaker 5: Amazing.
29:19
Speaker 2: We will link your website and the link to your
29:21
Speaker 2: tickets for your live event coming to Australia, coming to
29:23
Speaker 2: Sydney and Melbourne.
29:24
Speaker 1: Correct, Yes, I'm so excited.
29:27
Speaker 5: So cool.
29:27
Speaker 2: We'll look everything in the show notes below and just
29:29
Speaker 2: thank you so much for your time and your wisdom today.
29:31
Speaker 2: I'm sure any parent listening to this will get so
29:33
Speaker 2: much out of it and will yeah, see you in March.
29:36
Speaker 4: Well, thank you, guys, thank you so.
29:38
Speaker 1: Much, thank you, thank you.
29:39
Speaker 5: Bye,