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74. The thought error keeping you stuck · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, welcome back to another episode of the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Danielle Black.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I first sat down to plan this episode, I had two different ideas.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: One idea was about choosing peace instead of focusing on being right, and the other was about radical acceptance.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: For example, when your former partner refuses to contribute financially for things that they absolutely should.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But as I started mapping them out, I realized they're really the same conversation.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because we can't genuinely choose peace without radical acceptance.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And we can't practice radical acceptance without building serious capacity.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know you've heard me talk about capacity building a lot, and that's because it really is that important.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're talking about what actually changes your life when nothing on the outside changes.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is the work that can break you out of that constant loop of frustration and reactivity.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start off talking about thought errors.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's a term that's commonly used in coaching.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest thought errors that comes up with many of my clients goes something along the lines of my life and the lives of my kids are only going to improve when the behavior of the other parent changes.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can show up as if they would just follow the parenting plan if they would just follow the court orders.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: If they would just communicate properly, if they would just pay their fair share, if they would just stop being an asshole.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, all of that sounds really reasonable, but here's the problem.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: When your well being depends on them changing, you're powerless.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not going to change.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: No amount of perfect communication from you or specific court orders or you hoping hard enough is going to lead to them changing.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is just who they are.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that you wait for them to be different so that you can finally feel better, the more power that you're giving away.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's not really their behavior that determines your well-being, what is it?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure that there are some of my clients listening to this going, it's your capacity.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, Gold Star, you're right.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your ability to regulate your emotions, calm your nervous system, and respond calmly instead of reacting emotionally is what determines your well-being.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth: you cannot control your former partner's behavior.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can't control anyone else's behavior.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you also can't blame their behavior for your reactions.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: When you're responding with anger, when you're thrown into emotional chaos after a message exchange, it's not because they quote made you.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's because your capacity in that moment wasn't big enough for the emotional trigger.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not a judgment from me, I've been where you are.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids don't need you to be perfect, but it really does help them when at least one of their parents can stay regulated even when the other one doesn't.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's real capacity.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's clear up a common misconception.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Capacity is not pretending that you're okay.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not smiling while you're actually really seething inside or telling yourself that I'm just staying strong while your whole body is having a fight, flight, faint, freeze, fawn response.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's not capacity, that's suppression.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And our kids can feel it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: They feel the tension in our voices, the edge, the tightness in our bodies that we're trying to hide.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Real, genuine capacity is when our bodies stay relatively calm because our nervous systems have been trained to handle the stress.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's when we feel genuinely grounded and steady, not steady in a performative surface way.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: We can't fake genuine capacity, but we can build it.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to talk about Cassie.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is a client of mine, not her real name.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I need to protect her identity.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Cassie has a high conflict X, constantly violating the parenting plan, constantly refusing to contribute financially for important things, weaponizing the kids, all the things.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know so many of you listening to this and nodding along because you're dealing with much of the same stuff.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: When Cassie and I first spoke, a lot of what she said to me was along the lines of, I just need him to stop.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: When is he going to stop?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just want him to follow the parenting plan.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just need him to contribute financially.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then, then finally everything will be okay.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this was amid lots and lots of tears.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional dysregulation, the nervous system stress.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I know so many of you understand this only too well.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And to give you a bit of clarity, there are no parenting orders in Cassie's situation.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's an informal parenting plan.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: There are specifics to her situations that make ongoing litigation not a great idea strategically.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And again, to protect Cassie's identity, I won't go into any more detail than that.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Six months down the track, and this is six months of regular coaching, usually Cassie and I chatting for at least an hour, sometimes more than that each week.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Six months later, none of the specifics of Cassie's situation has changed.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's still the same parenting plan in place, and this is with 50-50 equal shared care, yeah.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you all know how I feel about that.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we're talking about informal 50-50 arrangements, her ex still getting up to the same shenanigans, still being an asshole, still creating conflict, still refusing to contribute financially to things that he absolutely should.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: But Cassie, she's different.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's calmer.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: She's talked about feeling so much more connected genuinely with her kids.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to hold space for her kids when they need to talk about big things with her, that they're now doing on a much more regular basis, on a much more deeper level.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: She's able to sit calmly with them, genuinely calm, and she's noticed the impact that that's having on them, their ability to co-regulate and her ability to support that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's not spiraling emotionally when her ex is getting up to his old tricks.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: What she said to me was that everything on the outside has stayed the same, the situation has stayed the same.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: But she knows that she is different in so many fundamental ways.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's what capacity building does.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's what coaching helps with.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make your life or the situation fair.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it does help to make it manageable.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want you to notice your thoughts, particularly thoughts around your life only improving when things on the outside change.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when you catch some of those thoughts, I want to invite you to gently remind yourself that your peace really doesn't depend on things that are outside of yourself.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because truly it doesn't.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: In next week's episode, we're going to take this a little bit deeper, and I'm going to walk you through how radical acceptance and capacity actually work together and how you can start building it into your daily life.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, thank you so much for being here with me.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Please take care of yourself.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.