Latest / The Daily Sarcast / August 26th, 2026: Dolly Parton, Canada Taxes And Kites

Transcript

August 26th, 2026: Dolly Parton, Canada Taxes And Kites · The Daily Sarcast

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This week's episode is brought to you by Mencils. Pencils for men.
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Grab these pencils to write when you're a man and you need to show someone that
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you're so strong because these pencils will break the minute they touch a piece of paper.
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No matter how hard you press or light, the lead will give out,
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letting everyone know that you're a man who's mad because there's no other emotion
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a man's allowed to have. Mencils.
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Pencils for men. To let everyone know how angry you are and not sad inside.
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And here's a funny quote from the news this week coming from my good friend
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Del who accidentally typo texted me.
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Sorry I missed your call. I was flirting with my mom.
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Nice.
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Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Sarcast. I give you the news and maybe
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a laugh. I'm Andrew Barlow and today is August 26th, 2006.
0:56
Insert intro. Hey, what's up? My name's Andrew. I'm originally from Long Island.
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I'm a child of deaf adults. That's the accent you're hearing.
1:03
I'm a comedian. I'm taking over the Daily Sarcast because, I don't know,
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Lindsay asked me to and I love to make people listen to the words coming out of my mouth.
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Something fun you should know about me is that I'm insufferable.
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Now, in real news, Dolly Parton died.
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I was in a play during this time and some are saying that my show caused it.
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Dolly Parton died at 80 years old, the country music legend and philanthropist.
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She passed away after a brief battle with cancer.
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Truly one of the greatest of us all. In other news, Canada has enacted tariffs
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in the escalating trade wars, Reuters is reporting that Canada announced $20
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billion in retaliatory tariffs, over 700 U.S.
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Products set to take effect on September 8th. And honestly, probably the worst
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thing Canada has done to me since my ex from Canada dumped me just three months ago.
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She still has my favorite hoodie. And last but not least, an NFL owner was arrested,
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San Francisco 49's owner, Jed York, was arrested over this weekend in a prostitution sting.
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Now, if you're not familiar with the NFL, it's an organization that pays people
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money to do physical activity.
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Okay, let me read that again. The NFL, prostitution, pays money to do physical
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activity. Yeah, I guess they arrested him.
2:24
Andrew Barlow's life update.
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It's been a weird summer for me. I've been living in a bit of a chaos,
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a burnout recovery, but I went to the beach this weekend, and I'll tell you,
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it reminded me how much I like the beach.
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The only scary part is, we were all gearing up to get back into the water,
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and I was like, oh my god, this is what I've been missing. This is why I've been so burnt out.
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Life is so stressful in New York and just coming to the beach,
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no worries, phone in the bag, just talking to my friends, having a high noon, non-sponsored.
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And then they called everyone out of the water, did a symbol that looked like
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a shark because apparently a kid was missing.
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20 freaking people link up arms and they're just combing the beach walking around
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and it's like, buddy, the tide took him out.
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That kid is gone, my dude. I mean, I feel bad saying it. I was worried, but like, it's an ocean.
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You can't, it's not a pool. The kid's not sitting on the bottom.
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That's how oceans work. Tied in, tied out. And I mean, we all watch Magic School
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Bus, Bill Nye, the science guy, plug other PBS science show.
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I don't know what these lifeguards are thinking out here. Cut to 35,
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40 minutes later, turns out the kid's flying a kite on another part of the beach.
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So really, we got to ask ourselves, is the kid at fault or his parents?
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Bad parents That's the news story here.
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It did remind me, though, I love watching other people's chaos in my burnout
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because it reminds me that my life, well, it's not that bad.
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Well, that brings us to things thinking about.
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And what I'm thinking about right now is a shower thought about what it means
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to be a man, a little masculinity, a little humility, a little accountability.
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But most of all, men, I think we need to add a little joy in our lives, a little fun.
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Okay, I was on the subway the other day and I saw a guy who looked like a friend I had and I went, Hey!
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And he went, I don't know you. And I got a little closer and I went,
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Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone I knew.
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You look like him. And then he goes, Well, I'm not.
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What the hell? It was an honest mistake, my friend.
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Can't we have a little bit of fun here? We're both wearing tank tops.
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Let's have a little bit of joy.
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Men, lighten up. That's all I gotta say about that.
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Now here's your cooking tip of the day. Hack up a bunch of chicken,
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grill it, and then you got chicken for the week.
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Nice and easy. About a half a cup of cubed grilled chicken pan cooked is about
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a quarter of a pound of chicken.
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That's your protein intake for each meal.
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Just a quarter cup. Or did I say half cup? I'm going to have to remeasure.
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That's your cooking tip for the day.
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Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date.
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Just email lindsey at thedailysarcast.com. If you're a nice Jewish girl looking
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for a date, let Lindsay know. I'm a goy, but I'm interested.
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Thank you for listening to my episode of the Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.
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I'm Andrew Barlow. You can find me at SirBizlow on Instagram and TikTok.
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I host Cage Match at UCB, the Upright Citizens Brigade on 14th Street,
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every Thursday at 10pm, and I'm doing a lot of other dumb shit around the city.
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Tune in tomorrow for another very special episode of the Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.
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Bye-bye now, don't leave a message.