Latest / The Daily Reset Podcast / You’re not unhappy. You’re fine. That’s the problem.

Transcript

You’re not unhappy. You’re fine. That’s the problem. · The Daily Reset Podcast

0:03
SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone.
0:04
Welcome to day one of the masterclass and I am just going to
0:10
share my screen.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:17
SPEAKER_00: Let us do this.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Fab.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: So this is day one of the masterclass.
0:30
We are going to be talking today about the hidden cost of
0:33
drift,
0:34
what it's costing you.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: And yeah,
0:38
I think really understanding what it looks like and why it can
0:43
go unnoticed for so
0:44
SPEAKER_00: long and what those emotional,
0:47
SPEAKER_00: physical and practical costs are of staying stuck.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: And for me, it's all about generating awareness.
0:54
That is the first step towards making any changes and really
0:57
figuring out the gap
1:00
SPEAKER_00: from where you are now to where you actually want to be.
1:04
So I'm focused now on helping people stop drifting and starting
1:08
to live on purpose.
1:10
And I created something called the Balance Reset,
1:15
which really helps identify
1:17
SPEAKER_00: People where they are now and the balance operating system,
1:21
which really helps you move from where you are to where you
1:24
want to get to.
1:26
And just by seeing clearly what the gaps are and then taking
1:31
small changes,
1:33
SPEAKER_00: meaningful changes on a daily basis.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: And what I believe is that you don't need another productivity hack.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: You don't need another planner and you don't need to push harder and that
1:46
We're really in this place because modern life makes drift easy
1:51
with the constant
1:53
SPEAKER_00: information,
1:54
SPEAKER_00: the constant notifications,
1:56
work that never really stops and all that pressure to keep up
1:59
and perform and have
2:00
SPEAKER_00: it all figured out.
2:02
So this experience is about taking all of that back and not
2:08
about more productivity
2:09
SPEAKER_00: or about being perfect,
2:11
SPEAKER_00: but just through awareness.
2:14
Being intentional and consciously designing our days and a
2:18
couple of things that I
2:19
really want to focus on today are what I call the tolerance
2:23
trap which is basically
2:25
starting to tolerate things that you would not tolerate before
2:31
so as you know it's
2:33
SPEAKER_00: a bit of creep kind of things that you wouldn't put up with start to
2:40
just gradually become acceptable so you might get less sleep
2:45
you might work longer
2:46
hours you might not take a break and those types of things
2:51
start eating in and the
2:53
autopilot effect which is all about for me it's just those
3:00
routines that you get
3:01
into on the basis that you've kind of fallen into this
3:04
tolerance trap you then
3:05
SPEAKER_00: start to
3:07
do some of these things on autopilot and I call that the
3:09
autopilot effect and what
3:11
we want to do today is expose all of that and really look at
3:14
what are some of those
3:15
things that we're doing and how can we stop doing that and what
3:19
I've mentioned
3:20
before is for me the most dangerous place to be in life isn't
3:24
unhappy it's fine and
3:25
SPEAKER_00: that's what I call this drift that a lot of us find ourselves in and that
3:34
We are in this state of chaos and burnout and stress and that
3:39
was definitely me.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: But having understood now from studying psychology,
3:46
SPEAKER_00: neuroscience,
3:47
habit science and human design and coming up with a balance OS
3:50
framework is these
3:52
SPEAKER_00: 14 things I want to drill into in a little bit more information today.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: So first of all, looking at the psychology of drift and
4:06
Really why smart people end up living the lives that they
4:10
didn't design and all of
4:11
this is taken from my blog content that I've been creating
4:14
based on my research for
4:16
the for the last year since I started looking into this is the
4:22
autopilot effect so
4:25
I mentioned that a moment ago that first of all it's kind of
4:32
the brain is designed
4:33
SPEAKER_00: to conserve energy
4:35
SPEAKER_00: And once those patterns become familiar, we just move into autopilot.
4:40
So we'll be following the same routines,
4:43
getting up,
4:45
responding to the same pressure.
4:47
And that basically means we stop noticing when something is no
4:53
longer working.
4:56
And the interesting thing about this is that it can continue
5:00
for years until
5:02
Something drastic interrupts it and that could be burnout or
5:09
even a simple
5:09
SPEAKER_00: realization that things are not right.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that is very much the direction that a lot of us are headed.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: So it's not about how did I get here?
5:26
SPEAKER_00: I am too smart for this.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: It's more like you have just fallen into the autopilot effect here.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: and don't worry, there is a way to get out of it.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: The second thing we're going to look at is that high functioning burnout.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: Burnout rarely looks the way that people expect.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't come from a single event.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: It builds slowly through those patterns.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: If you have too many demands and little time for recovery with a lot of
6:02
SPEAKER_00: responsibilities competing for attention,
6:05
SPEAKER_00: which I know I certainly did and many of you will as well,
6:08
over time your nervous system starts to get into a state of
6:14
constant activation and
6:17
SPEAKER_00: you become used to pushing through fatigue
6:20
and ignoring the signals from your body and delaying rest and
6:24
delaying reflection.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, for a while it works until it doesn't.
6:32
And this is kind of where balance really comes in to force
6:38
because it's that
6:39
SPEAKER_00: connection between your mind,
6:41
SPEAKER_00: your body and your relationships and your purpose.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: So
6:47
SPEAKER_00: As I say,
6:49
your body stores what your mind ignores and I really believe
6:53
that tension shows up
6:54
SPEAKER_00: physically,
6:57
SPEAKER_00: sleep becomes inconsistent and things like for me,
7:02
SPEAKER_00: I had back pain,
7:03
I had low energy and though I continue to perform well enough
7:11
that no one notices
7:12
SPEAKER_00: and including yourself,
7:14
SPEAKER_00: it gradually
7:16
SPEAKER_00: creeps up on you.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: So again,
7:22
SPEAKER_00: this is really prevalent in high functioning people because they take on
7:28
SPEAKER_00: responsibility easier and they push themselves harder.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: They're really used to solving problems and delivering results.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: But without that reflection, this can just become over extension.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: And when your identity becomes tied to productivity,
7:49
SPEAKER_00: slowing down can feel really,
7:51
SPEAKER_00: really uncomfortable and threatening.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: So that pattern continues.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: But it's not just about work.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: It can be a real alignment across several parts of your life.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: So if your work starts to feel unmeaningful,
8:11
or your relationships lack presence or connection and your
8:15
health habits maybe
8:16
start to slip and your time and attention is constantly
8:21
fragmented burnout just
8:24
isn't simply exhaustion it's the feeling that your energy is
8:29
being spent in ways
8:30
SPEAKER_00: that no longer reflect what matters most so yeah that's kind of um
8:39
SPEAKER_00: Another way that burnout rarely looks the way that people expect.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: Which takes me on to the hidden cost of being fine.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: And fine really does sound harmless.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: But most of the time, it's not an accurate description.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: It's a shortcut.
8:59
It's a way of compressing complex emotions into something
9:03
socially acceptable and a
9:06
SPEAKER_00: way of avoiding deeper conversations.
9:11
and psychologists often describe this as emotional compression
9:16
when we simplify our
9:17
emotional experience into a single neutral label we lose access
9:24
to the information
9:25
SPEAKER_00: our feelings are trying to give us
9:27
so emotions are signals they tell us what matters what needs
9:31
attention what needs
9:32
to change and when everything becomes fine those signals slowly
9:37
become quieter and
9:39
over time we basically stop hearing them and the problem isn't
9:43
the word itself it's
9:45
the problem is what it slowly replaces it makes you lose touch
9:50
with what you
9:51
SPEAKER_00: actually feel and and
9:54
SPEAKER_00: When your emotion gets translated into fine,
9:58
SPEAKER_00: something subtle happens,
10:00
SPEAKER_00: you just stop checking in with what's really there.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: Not just the difficult emotions, but the positive ones too.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: So the excitement,
10:09
SPEAKER_00: curiosity,
10:10
SPEAKER_00: pride,
10:11
SPEAKER_00: gratitude,
10:11
SPEAKER_00: joy,
10:12
SPEAKER_00: all of them just become flattened into the same neutral response.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: And
10:18
Psychological research shows that emotional awareness is
10:22
strongly linked to
10:23
well-being so the more precisely we can identify our emotions
10:27
the better we are
10:28
able to regulate them and when everything becomes fine that
10:33
emotional awareness
10:34
slowly fades and the more that you keep saying I'm fine I'm
10:40
fine the less you
10:41
SPEAKER_00: actually notice how you are
10:44
SPEAKER_00: So what this does is it keeps you in place longer than you need to be.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: So your routine's fine, your work's fine, your relationship's fine.
10:56
SPEAKER_00: Nothing feels urgent enough to change,
10:59
SPEAKER_00: but actually nothing's meaningful enough to fully engage with either.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: So you stay where you are and over time in that in-between space,
11:08
SPEAKER_00: something subtle begins to happen.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: You actually lose touch with what would actually feel good,
11:16
SPEAKER_00: what excites you,
11:17
SPEAKER_00: what energizes you,
11:18
SPEAKER_00: what you might want that's different or more,
11:22
SPEAKER_00: and that desire doesn't disappear.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: It simply becomes quieter.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: So fine keeps life stable,
11:30
SPEAKER_00: but it can also keep it really,
11:32
SPEAKER_00: really small,
11:34
SPEAKER_00: and it puts you into an autopilot and softens your curiosity.
11:41
So what this means is you really stop paying close attention
11:44
and you're just moving
11:46
SPEAKER_00: through your days on autopilot.
11:48
The choices are all familiar so you don't revisit them and
11:52
slowly you start,
11:57
the questions that once guided you become quieter so you don't
12:00
kind of hear the
12:01
SPEAKER_00: loud what's no longer working,
12:04
SPEAKER_00: what do I want,
12:05
SPEAKER_00: what would make my life more meaningful
12:07
SPEAKER_00: And curiosity needs that friction.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: We need a sense that something could be explored, improved or changed.
12:15
But when everything feels fine,
12:16
the motivation to explore just disappears.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: And it keeps life running, but it also keeps you from fully living it.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: So fine also disguises itself as strength.
12:32
Fine can sound reasonable,
12:34
like I'm okay,
12:35
I'll deal with it,
12:35
it's not a big deal.
12:37
And sometimes that really is resilience,
12:39
but sometimes it's something else.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: It's really that instinct to minimize what you feel,
12:46
SPEAKER_00: to avoid disruption,
12:48
SPEAKER_00: to not make things complicated,
12:50
SPEAKER_00: to keep everything steady.
12:52
And it looks like strength from the outside,
12:55
but internally it can be a quiet form of avoidance.
12:59
Real resilience doesn't ignore emotion,
13:02
it acknowledges them and decides how to move forward.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes fine isn't acceptance, it's hesitation disguised as stability.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: So what does fine do?
13:16
SPEAKER_00: It keeps your relationships on the surface.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: This might be where it matters most.
13:23
When fine becomes your default answer,
13:25
the conversation really stops there.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: So people will ask, you'll respond, and the moment passes.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: And what doesn't happen is the part that creates connection.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: And so that moment where you'll say a little more,
13:40
where someone understands you a bit better and where there's
13:43
something real is
13:44
SPEAKER_00: shared.
13:45
Not every conversation needs depth and not every moment needs
13:49
vulnerability,
13:50
SPEAKER_00: but if everything stayed fine,
13:52
SPEAKER_00: something important gets missed.
13:55
Humans are social creatures and psychological research
13:59
constantly shows that
14:01
meaningful relationships are one of the strongest predictions
14:04
of well-being and
14:05
SPEAKER_00: life satisfaction.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: And meaningful relationships require something beyond fine
14:12
Fine protects you from vulnerability,
14:14
but it also keeps you from living an intentional life.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: So that's pretty powerful.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: And just moving on from that,
14:28
why you're stuck in a kind of talk about these two fears that
14:32
quietly trap
14:34
SPEAKER_00: intelligent,
14:35
SPEAKER_00: capable people.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: And that's the fear of changing and the fear of staying the same.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: So instead of choosing, we tolerate, we hover.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And this is what I call the tolerance trap.
14:51
And the theory behind the tolerance trap is that most people
14:56
don't fail because
14:57
SPEAKER_00: they lack ambition.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: They fail because they lower their minimum standards.
15:02
Not consciously,
15:03
gradually,
15:05
you tolerate less,
15:06
slightly worse sleep,
15:08
slightly more stress.
15:10
conversations that drain you and work that no longer excites
15:14
you relationships that
15:15
feel fine it's like nothing collapses dramatically it just
15:21
erodes you don't rise to
15:23
your goals you don't you you fall to your standards and
15:27
whatever you're willing to
15:28
tolerate becomes your life this is how high capacity people get
15:32
stuck and it's it's
15:33
SPEAKER_00: not because they're lazy it's
15:35
It's because they adapt and settle for less than they know
15:43
they're capable of.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: And there's powerful psychological reasons for that.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Stability feels safe.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: Uncertainty feels threatening.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Your identity feels fragile.
15:57
If you've built a career,
15:58
a reputation,
15:59
a family and a lifestyle,
16:02
reinvention feels risky.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Loralquinn
16:24
but here's the truth the fear of change keeps you in discomfort
16:30
the fear of staying
16:31
the same keeps you restless and living between those two fears
16:36
is exhausting
16:37
SPEAKER_00: believe me
16:40
and the real cost of staying stuck just doesn't affect your
16:44
career it impacts every
16:46
pillar of your life your mind becomes noisier your body becomes
16:50
more depleted your
16:52
relationships become more transactional as you no longer show
16:55
up as your best self
16:56
SPEAKER_00: and your sense of purpose becomes more distant
17:00
SPEAKER_00: You start reacting instead of responding.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: You focus on what's wrong.
17:05
You assign meaning that reinforces limitation and you repeat
17:09
the same actions.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: And this is where patterns lock in.
17:14
So I don't know if any of you can identify with that,
17:17
but I certainly can.
17:20
So this takes me to the question,
17:23
do I have to be dissatisfied to be driven?
17:29
SPEAKER_00: and the science behind sustainable motivation.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: And the answer is no.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: And believing you do is one of the fastest ways to burn out.
17:40
So what I mean by this is that for a long time,
17:47
we've been taught that dissatisfaction is fuel.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: You have to be unhappy with where you are in order to want more.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: But psychology, neuroscience and lived experience tell a different story.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: There is two types of motivation, deficit-based drive.
18:04
This is motivation fueled by dissatisfaction,
18:07
comparison,
18:08
shame,
18:09
and I'm not enough yet.
18:12
It works,
18:13
but briefly,
18:14
and it comes with a cost,
18:16
anxiety,
18:17
pressure,
18:18
self-criticism,
18:19
and burnout.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: You're always chasing relief, not growth.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: And then the alternative, which is growth-based drive,
18:28
which is motivation fueled by curiosity,
18:31
alignment,
18:31
enjoyment,
18:32
meaning and self-respect.
18:35
So this kind of drive is sustainable and you move forward not
18:38
because you hate
18:39
SPEAKER_00: where you are but because you like who you're becoming.
18:44
So I know that I was definitely stuck in the deficit-based
18:49
drive for a while but the
18:54
Research in self-determination shows that most sustainable
18:59
motivation comes from
19:00
SPEAKER_00: autonomy,
19:00
SPEAKER_00: which is having your own choice,
19:03
SPEAKER_00: competence,
19:04
SPEAKER_00: which is feeling like you're making progress,
19:07
SPEAKER_00: and relatedness,
19:08
SPEAKER_00: which is connection and not from dissatisfaction.
19:13
So the positive emotion increases your persistence,
19:17
creativity and resilience.
19:21
and really that is kind of just looking out for one of those,
19:26
the pattern of dissatisfaction.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: The next one I want to focus on is comparison.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: So let me just get into comparison.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: Comparison.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: is great if you use it as a tool for teaching, but not taking away.
19:55
SPEAKER_00: Let me just get into this.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: So we are comparison machines.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: It's how we learn, we copy, we calibrate, we improve.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: Comparison has helped us survive,
20:08
SPEAKER_00: belong and build skills,
20:10
SPEAKER_00: but it can also quietly or loudly steal your joy.
20:16
The difference isn't whether we compare,
20:19
it's actually how and where we apply it.
20:23
So comparison really helps and is really useful when it
20:27
inspires without destabilizing.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: It clarifies what you want,
20:33
SPEAKER_00: not what you lack,
20:34
SPEAKER_00: and it offers information,
20:36
SPEAKER_00: not judgment,
20:38
SPEAKER_00: shows you a path and is not a threat.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: So this is comparison as a compass.
20:45
When comparison hurts,
20:48
comparison is really harmful when it becomes constant and
20:54
unconscious.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: When your worth,
20:58
SPEAKER_00: when you measure your worth against others highlights,
21:02
SPEAKER_00: it makes you feel behind,
21:04
SPEAKER_00: less than or not enough and it triggers shame,
21:08
SPEAKER_00: envy or hopelessness.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: So that is when comparison
21:13
is being used as a weapon so I think just when you catch
21:19
yourself comparing ask
21:21
yourself what am I learning from this or am I losing myself in
21:24
it if it motivates
21:27
and clarifies keep going if it destabilizes and diminishes
21:32
redirects your attention
21:33
a much healthier way to compare is to compare yourself to your
21:41
past self not
21:43
SPEAKER_00: others present and use comparison for direction, not validation.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: Notice what you admire, then ask, do I actually want that?
21:54
SPEAKER_00: And then celebrating others without making it mean something about you.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: So comparison is not the enemy, unconscious and negative comparison is.
22:11
which takes me on to negative self-talk and identity challenge
22:19
and identify
22:20
challenge and replace so you do not have to believe every
22:25
thought you think we've
22:26
all got that inner critic but when that voice becomes constant
22:30
harsh and automatic
22:31
it really shapes how we see ourselves and limits what we
22:34
believe is possible and
22:35
SPEAKER_00: the good news is that you can change it and
22:40
SPEAKER_00: So what is negative self-talk?
22:42
Negative self-talk is the automatic critical inner dialogue
22:48
that is always judging
22:50
SPEAKER_00: you harshly,
22:51
SPEAKER_00: predicting failure,
22:53
SPEAKER_00: dismissing your worth and amplifying your flaws.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: So it often sounds like I'm not good enough.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: I always mess things up.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: No one really likes me and I'll never change.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: But negative self-talk
23:09
Often develops from early criticism or neglect or some
23:14
internalized expectations,
23:17
SPEAKER_00: comparison and perfectionism,
23:20
SPEAKER_00: past failures or rejection.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: So it's a protective mechanism, but it outlives its usefulness.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: So step one is to identify the pattern,
23:33
SPEAKER_00: start noticing when the voice appears,
23:35
SPEAKER_00: what's it saying,
23:36
SPEAKER_00: what triggers it.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: And then step two is really challenging that thought.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: Is it really true?
23:41
SPEAKER_00: What evidence contradicts this?
23:44
SPEAKER_00: Would I say this to a friend?
23:46
SPEAKER_00: And what's a more balanced perspective?
23:50
SPEAKER_00: So thoughts aren't facts,
23:51
SPEAKER_00: they can be questions and they can be then replaced by a good narrative.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: Instead of I'm not good enough, try, I'm learning and growing.
24:02
and instead of I always fail,
24:04
try,
24:05
I've struggled before and I've also succeeded.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: So that is not toxic positivity, it's balanced realism.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: I mentioned previously that the whole
24:23
body mind system is connected so one of the other ways that we
24:30
can flow into drift
24:32
or find ourselves in drift is that we are not saying no and I
24:39
want to just dig into
24:40
why no feels so hard and and it's saying no isn't isn't a
24:46
character flaw it's it's
24:48
SPEAKER_00: a nervous system response
24:51
SPEAKER_00: So when you're trying to say no,
24:54
SPEAKER_00: your heart might be racing,
24:55
SPEAKER_00: your stomach tightening and you're getting your words stuck.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: And it's it's not a weakness.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: It's your nervous system doing its job.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: So why does no activate the nervous system?
25:08
Saying no can feel threatening because the brain perceives
25:12
potential rejection,
25:13
SPEAKER_00: conflict or loss of connection.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: And for social creatures, these feel dangerous.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: So the nervous system activates fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: Fawning, appeasing others is a common response to avoid perceived threat.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: So what is the fawn response?
25:34
SPEAKER_00: Fawning means prioritising others' needs to stay safe.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: It looks like saying yes when you need no,
25:41
SPEAKER_00: when you mean no,
25:42
SPEAKER_00: or over apologising,
25:44
SPEAKER_00: suppressing your own needs,
25:45
SPEAKER_00: avoiding conflict at all costs.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: This is often learned in childhood,
25:50
especially in environments where expressing needs led to
25:53
punishment or rejection.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: So a couple of things that you can do is before you can say no,
26:02
SPEAKER_00: you need to calm your nervous system.
26:04
So you could try slow,
26:07
deep breaths,
26:08
especially long exhales and grounding.
26:12
So really feel your feet on the floor and buying time saying,
26:18
let me get back to you.
26:20
SPEAKER_00: and self-compassion.
26:22
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to feel this way.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: And regulation creates the space for choice.
26:29
SPEAKER_00: And what we're doing is rewiring the response.
26:32
So each time you say no and survive,
26:34
your nervous system learns this is safe.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: And it takes repetition.
26:41
SPEAKER_00: So start small, notice the discomfort and do it anyway.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: And over time, saying no becomes less activating.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: And this is not a character flaw.
26:53
SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's a nervous system response.
26:56
And with awareness and practice,
26:57
you can retrain your system to feel safe in asserting yourself.
27:02
Your no is valid,
27:04
your boundaries are necessary,
27:05
and your body can learn to support them.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: This takes me on to handling big emotions.
27:15
and what actually helps here so big emotions aren't problems to
27:21
solve they're
27:22
signals to attend to and big emotions can feel really
27:28
overwhelming like anger grief
27:30
anxiety fear and when they hit it's easy just to want to escape
27:33
suppress or act out
27:35
but there is a better way and it starts with understanding what
27:38
emotions are
27:39
SPEAKER_00: actually for emotions are data and
27:44
SPEAKER_00: They aren't problems to solve,
27:45
SPEAKER_00: they're signals to attend to and they tell you what matters,
27:49
SPEAKER_00: what boundaries have been crossed,
27:52
SPEAKER_00: what needs aren't being met,
27:54
SPEAKER_00: what's calling for your attention.
27:56
SPEAKER_00: The goal is not to eliminate emotions, it's to understand them.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: What doesn't help is suppressing them or pushing them down,
28:06
SPEAKER_00: avoiding them by distracting or numbing or ruminating,
28:09
SPEAKER_00: looping in thought without resolution.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: or acting out, like lashing out or self-destructing.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: These provide temporary self-relief but make things worse long-term.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: What actually helps is name it to tame it.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: So labelling emotions reduces their intensity.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: Feeling it in the body.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Emotions live in the body.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: Locate where you feel it.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Breathe slowly.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: Long exhales can calm the nervous system.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: and move.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: Physical movement helps process emotional energy,
28:44
SPEAKER_00: express it,
28:45
SPEAKER_00: journaling,
28:46
SPEAKER_00: talking,
28:47
SPEAKER_00: crying,
28:47
SPEAKER_00: creating,
28:49
SPEAKER_00: and self-compassion.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: This is hard.
28:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm allowed to feel this.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: So the 90-second rule.
29:01
Neuroscientist Jill Bolt Taylor said that the chemical lifespan
29:05
is an emotion
29:08
SPEAKER_00: of an emotion is about 90 seconds.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: After all, what keeps it going is thought.
29:15
So if you can feel that wave without adding stories,
29:18
it passes faster than you think.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: And once that initial intensity passes,
29:26
SPEAKER_00: you can then reflect on what triggered it,
29:30
SPEAKER_00: ask what it's telling you,
29:33
SPEAKER_00: consider if action is needed,
29:36
SPEAKER_00: Rest and recover.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: So big emotions are exhausting, but they aren't a problem to solve.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: They're signals to attend to,
29:47
SPEAKER_00: feel them,
29:48
SPEAKER_00: name them,
29:49
SPEAKER_00: move through them,
29:51
SPEAKER_00: and trust that you can handle more than you think.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: So what happens if you continually push emotions down?
30:06
and Unexpressed Emotions Don't Disappear as I mentioned earlier
30:12
the mind the body
30:14
stores what the mind ignores and we're taught to be strong and
30:17
keep it together and
30:20
don't be too emotional and and you know what happens in the the
30:27
brain and body when
30:28
SPEAKER_00: you suppress what you feel the science is clear and it's not good and
30:35
So emotional suppression is the conscious or unconscious effort
30:40
to push feelings
30:41
SPEAKER_00: down,
30:41
SPEAKER_00: hide emotional expression,
30:43
SPEAKER_00: and pretend you're fine when you're not.
30:46
SPEAKER_00: It's different from regulation which processes emotions.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: Suppression avoids it.
30:52
So what happens in your brain is the amygdala,
30:56
the emotion center,
30:57
stays activated.
31:00
SPEAKER_00: and the prefrontal cortex works over time to inhibit expression.
31:05
So your stress hormones remain elevated and your memory and
31:10
cognition can be
31:11
SPEAKER_00: impaired and some suppression doesn't make the emotion go away.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: It keeps it running in the background.
31:19
So what happens in the body is that chronic suppression is
31:24
linked to increased
31:25
SPEAKER_00: inflammation,
31:26
SPEAKER_00: a weakened immune function,
31:28
SPEAKER_00: higher blood pressure,
31:30
SPEAKER_00: digestive issues,
31:31
SPEAKER_00: muscle tension and pain.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: So the body is really keeping the score.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: Suppression also affects connection.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: It reduces emotional intimacy.
31:44
Partners sense your disconnection and it can lead to emotional
31:48
numbing and it makes
31:50
SPEAKER_00: conflict harder to navigate.