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12: Feeling Stuck? Challenge the 3 Mental Traps That Make Life Feel Worse · The Everyday Awesome Project

0:22
Sam: Hey superstars, welcome back Polly and Sam here.
0:26
Sam: What are we talking about today?
0:33
Polly: This is actually an episode that we were like should we talk about this?
0:38
Sam: Yeah, we should Elephant in the room.
0:40
Polly: Yeah, yeah, the elephant, you know our name is Everyday Awesome Project, and one of the things that we were like is some people are gonna say, well, not every moment of my life is awesome.
0:51
Polly: It's like, okay, we should give that some space, right, and this isn't the always awesome project correct, a little distinction, but it can be every day and it's finding it right.
1:03
Polly: So what we want to talk about today is when you're having periods of things aren't going awesome, you know, and what to do.
1:11
Polly: Yeah, you know, and this is a side, you know, we're not gonna delve deep into things like grief, which is a whole thing we could unpack on episodes and episodes of that, but we want to talk about those times when people maybe don't feel motivated.
1:23
Polly: You know, you're just having a non-motivated day, or things like lower confidence or doubt is creeping in, or being stuck.
1:31
Polly: Yeah, yeah, being stuck.
1:34
Polly: Fear, worry, anxiety.
1:36
Polly: You and I are saying catastrophizing, right.
1:40
Polly: So having those moments or those periods, or those phases, I'm really wanting to share with people, you know it's okay.
1:49
Sam: Yeah, sometimes they last a day, sometimes they last a week, a month, for some people a year.
1:54
Polly: Yeah, yeah, and I think what we want to help people realize is you know some of that is in your control things.
2:01
Polly: Absolutely A big part of it.
2:03
Polly: Yeah, absolutely.
2:04
Polly: So let's go into that and help people understand you know where does this come from and when you're having.
2:09
Polly: You know those, like you said, periods of days, weeks, months.
2:13
Polly: You know where is your role and responsibility in this.
2:16
Sam: And when we say in your control, we're not shaming and blaming.
2:20
Sam: We are simply pointing out that people can become more empowered in their own lives by choosing to think in that differently.
2:29
Sam: That's what we're talking about.
2:30
Polly: Yeah, and where you know, and helping you realize that maybe there are things that are within your control that you don't realize that are in your control, that you're simply like oh, I didn't realize I was doing that to myself.
2:44
Polly: Thank you very much.
2:44
Polly: Okay, let me stop that.
2:46
Polly: And so one of the things I want to talk about is like emotional stacking, or, you know, taking on responsibility for all that's going on and stacking these things in a way that makes you feel powerless right and so stuckness, feels like disempowered, powerless I'm.
3:04
Polly: You know I'm at the effect of this.
3:06
Polly: Like you know, I can't get out of this, like I'm unmotivated, can't what do I do, kind of thing.
3:10
Polly: And so I want to talk about three Ps around what's creating, let's call it powerlessness, or the stacking that leads to powerlessness.
3:19
Polly: So the three Ps are permanent, pervasive and personal, and by permanent what I mean is, you know, people see a problem, a situation, a challenge, a scenario, something that's shown up.
3:33
Polly: This is permanent.
3:34
Polly: They're like oh my God, this problem is permanent, it's going to be around forever, this is never going to change.
3:40
Polly: He's never going to change.
3:41
Polly: This is never going to change.
3:42
Polly: I'm never going to leave this job.
3:44
Polly: I'm never, never, never right, like it's always going to be this way and it's not right Like.
3:51
Polly: Is that true?
3:53
Sam: It's not true for anything.
3:54
Sam: Right From moment to moment, day to day, everything changes, so we also change with it.
4:01
Polly: Yeah, so recognizing that no problem is permanent, only your soul is permanent, right?
4:06
Polly: So that's the first Ps.
4:08
Polly: Second Ps is pervasive.
4:10
Polly: What's that Pervasive is relentless.
4:13
Polly: Just liken it to it's everywhere.
4:17
Polly: It's everything, exactly Like the disease of the mind.
4:22
Polly: You take one area of your life that there is a problem, something doesn't happen.
4:26
Polly: You've got a frustration, a challenge, something, nobody listens to me at work.
4:32
Sam: And then you go home, see nobody listens to you.
4:34
Sam: And then you go to your family reunion Nobody listens to you.
4:36
Sam: So you take that with you, yeah.
4:38
Polly: And it keeps showing up.
4:39
Polly: Oh my gosh Right or you know, something's not good at one area.
4:43
Polly: Like, oh, I've got this relationship challenge, or you know something at work, or got a job, oh well, do you have your health?
4:50
Polly: You know, do you have good?
4:51
Polly: Something else you know are your finances okay?
4:53
Polly: Like is it true, like it's pervasive.
4:56
Polly: The whole, you know, your whole life is broken down Probably not Like.
5:00
Polly: If you look for it, you can find things that are going well.
5:03
Polly: It's just the mind focuses on what's not going well.
5:06
Polly: Yes, and it makes it pervasive, makes it everywhere and always.
5:09
Polly: The third P is personal, and this is definitely where we can have a you know, a you know that monkey mind can take us down.
5:19
Sam: Right, this is where the drama happens.
5:21
Polly: The self talk gets a little out of control, yeah, Right.
5:25
Polly: And so we think it's us, we think this problem is there's something wrong with me.
5:31
Polly: If I were X, prettier, smarter, you know, more available somewhere else.
5:38
Polly: You know, if I were further along in my life older, younger, you know, heavier, whatever, stronger, then this wouldn't be happening, Right.
5:47
Polly: And then we say that's something wrong with me.
5:49
Polly: And then we take it personally, like I can't change that, Like I'm just not whatever I need to be.
5:54
Polly: So when you stack permanent, pervasive and personal on top of whatever's going on in your life, yeah, it can feel like I can't get out of this.
6:04
Polly: You create that learned helplessness.
6:05
Polly: And the more you stack those three and you build you know mountains of this problem into something bigger and bigger and bigger, and the more you focus on those three areas and you just sort of like turn in this little soup of you know self-doubt, self, you know nothing's gonna happen, nothing's gonna change.
6:23
Polly: I can't change this, something's wrong with me.
6:25
Polly: Learned helplessness shows up.
6:28
Polly: But the important thing there is it's learned, like we're learning it from ourself, like we're repeating that, we're growing that, and so this is where we get those periods like you were talking about.
6:39
Polly: It's not just I'm having a moment like okay, yeah, that things happen.
6:43
Polly: Like, oh, I had an accident happen in my car.
6:46
Polly: Okay, well, that doesn't mean like I'm never gonna drive again or something.
6:50
Sam: Right, right.
6:50
Polly: So just recognizing we can shift that.
6:52
Polly: So a couple of things that I wanted to share that I think are helpful that I look at things when they show up that help interrupt the stacking or the powerlessness, letting these thought situations get out of hand is asking yourself questions that point your mind in the right direction, right Point it in a healthier, more empowered direction.
7:14
Polly: So one of the things I say is well, what if everything is always working out for me?
7:18
Polly: I wonder what direction this is gonna go on.
7:21
Polly: It's gonna work out.
7:23
Polly: Right, I just kind of add some levity to it.
7:24
Polly: Right, I start to believe in a new possibility instead of the doldrums, or something's wrong with me.
7:31
Polly: This is never gonna change.
7:32
Polly: It's everywhere.
7:33
Polly: And then my second favorite one is I wonder what's trying to happen here.
7:39
Sam: I love that one.
7:40
Sam: That's my favorite, and you and I have been in some situations and you've pulled that out of your wallet purse pocket and drop that and it was like baboon game changer.
7:51
Polly: Right, it just helps you recognize.
7:53
Polly: Like okay, there's something else going on here.
7:56
Polly: Like outside of my control, exactly, and you know, if I was to let go of controlling everything, which is a tendency we might have, or the mind's you know need to control things.
8:08
Polly: Gets you know, gets it into you know, all this learned helplessness.
8:11
Polly: Instead we say I wonder what's trying to happen here, and then you just leave it open.
8:15
Sam: Yeah, with a curiosity, curiosity.
8:18
Polly: Exactly so.
8:19
Polly: The other thing I wanted to share that a girlfriend of mine helped me with a lot and I think, if we can gift ourselves with this one phrase and this may not fit for everyone, depending on what's going on in your life but I remember I was sitting in some not good space for a couple of days and my girlfriend's like, oh, it sounds like you're having a pity party.
8:39
Sam: I was like, okay, were you wearing a hat?
8:42
Sam: Yeah, I didn't feel like it.
8:44
Polly: I was wearing a lot of shame, I was wearing a lot of grief.
8:47
Sam: you know just self loathing, if you will.
8:49
Sam: Yeah, and she's like oh, I have those, you know.
8:51
Polly: I have a little pity party, but then I give myself a little timer.
8:54
Polly: Yeah, you know, am I going to do this pity party with myself for a couple of hours or a couple of days?
8:59
Polly: Okay, but it's my choice, right, like all right, give myself that's right Few hours.
9:03
Sam: You can leave the party anytime you want, exactly.
9:07
Polly: Exactly so how about you?
9:08
Polly: Do you have any moments in your life like one of the ones we've talked about is like that feeling of being trapped?
9:14
Sam: Yes, you know so trapped in a job or relationship.
9:19
Sam: Yeah, what do you do?
9:20
Sam: It sucks.
9:20
Sam: Well, I know a ton of people can relate to that, that feeling of trapped as in, and it can be job, it can be relationship, it can be experience, it can be physical health challenges.
9:35
Sam: You know I've had those two, so it can be any of the things that are feeling awful.
9:39
Sam: But it's one thing for it to feel awful, it's another thing to feel trapped in the awful.
9:46
Sam: Yeah, so that's the stuck piece, like you don't move through it or you can't figure out how to see your way out of it.
9:52
Sam: And really for me, because I've been trapped so many times, I guess I'm getting good at getting unstuck, right.
10:01
Sam: You know I have some ways and it just depends on the circumstances, of course.
10:06
Sam: But at some point you have to get a reality check, or I have to get a reality check in the situation that can be going to somebody I trust, a friend.
10:17
Sam: You know I can have conversation with you and say is this really happening?
10:20
Sam: Is this a reality?
10:21
Sam: It can also be yourself just doing that, stepping away from the circumstances, whether it be for the day.
10:28
Sam: So I used to, when I was more often stuck, literally leave the circumstances of my life physically, yes, for the day, for several days, but a lot of times, you know, I was still working and I was mothering and all the things.
10:44
Sam: So I would just leave for the day.
10:45
Sam: I play hooky for the day and I would drop out of all the circumstances and get myself space to breathe and process and really take inventory of what's really going on here.
10:59
Sam: Why do I feel?
11:00
Sam: Am I really stuck?
11:01
Sam: Why do I feel stuck?
11:02
Sam: Is this a reality or am I making this up in my mind right?
11:07
Sam: Do I have choices?
11:08
Sam: I always did have choices, by the way, and what I would find is I would come back empowered with some options.
11:17
Sam: I would provide myself options or, like you know, talking to a good friend, they can help you come up with some options so you don't feel stuck and you start making different choices, exploring change, right, even though maybe those options look pretty gnarly, like I don't know, but at least you know I have options, whether you're going to execute them or not.
11:40
Sam: That alone feels a lot better.
11:42
Polly: You know, what you're reminding me of is like that feels like a moment of self coaching.
11:46
Polly: Yes, you know you're like I'm going to take myself out of the situation.
11:49
Polly: Go, sit myself down, think about this, be realistic, or you know, one of the things you just reminded me of is you're saying that story is.
11:57
Polly: I remember sitting in a situation of a housing situation, and it was like, oh my God, got to find another place to lay this and that, whatever, yeah, and literally feeling not a lot of options, and so I was like starting to feel stuck, like I can't get out of this place, and so literally sat down, wrote down what were the like across the top, what were the options?
12:19
Polly: Like stay where I was.
12:21
Polly: Ok, pros and cons.
12:22
Sam: Oh, you got to write this stuff down Exactly.
12:24
Polly: Yeah, did a little T chart and I was like on the top, it's like the pros.
12:27
Polly: On one side, the cons of option one.
12:30
Polly: Second one, option B Yep, do this, don't do that, you know.
12:33
Polly: And then, just having it laid out in front of me, I was like OK, a.
12:38
Polly: I have options.
12:39
Polly: Yeah, giving myself the power back.
12:41
Polly: Maybe they're not all like rainbows and sunshine or whatever, but like you, feel that power come back exactly into your body Exactly.
12:51
Sam: So being stuck is a disempowerment.
12:52
Sam: You have surrendered that you have no power over your own life, choices, circumstances, and we will confess that's true.
13:00
Sam: For some people like that's a reality.
13:02
Sam: Everybody has agency over their own life, but a lot of people do and are pretending they don't.
13:09
Polly: Well, I think there's agency over your circumstances, and then there's agency over what does it mean to you?
13:16
Sam: to like.
13:17
Polly: I think about, I don't know.
13:18
Polly: I mean that amazing story of Nelson Mandela sitting in prison for deck at two decades mind-boggling.
13:26
Polly: And yet he walked out, hugged all the people that were his captors you know the prison guards and all of that and walked out a better man, like imprisoned yeah, literally, not figuratively, like I'm in a job that we're wishing us on any but no but it's just a way of going about.
13:45
Polly: You know, looking at a situation, you know, even if you feel imprisoned, can you look at the situation differently, you know.
13:53
Polly: So I remember.
13:54
Polly: I forget where this quote comes from, but it's like okay, so there's, there's what's so, like this is what's so.
14:01
Polly: I'm here, she's that way, he's that way, I've got this job, whatever, this is what's so, okay, so what?
14:06
Polly: So what are you going to do about it?
14:08
Polly: What are you going to make it mean what?
14:10
Polly: Where are your options?
14:12
Polly: What's next?
14:12
Polly: Like Okay, there's what's okay, so what?
14:14
Polly: And that answer, what comes next, is 100% in your control, your charge, like you can make it up.
14:24
Sam: I want to hear from you some examples, because I know our styles are very different and it's pretty Entertaining, possibly for our audience.
14:33
Sam: But my mode when I have become stuck generally is I say this circumstances or situation is broken and is it my job to hang around and fix it and be stuck in the duck taping, endless duck taping of fixing the situation, circumstances, whatever.
14:54
Sam: I love to break shit, so I feel like if something's already cracked or broken generally I'm going to smash it and start over.
15:04
Sam: That tends to be my mode of doing.
15:07
Sam: That is like that's, that's kind of my style and it's worked for me.
15:12
Sam: And how I discovered that I'm sure was out of necessity.
15:16
Sam: Things were terribly broken and I had to do some radical things.
15:20
Sam: So then I learned that sometimes being radical was my best bet forward.
15:26
Sam: You know I'm not saying that's going to work for everybody or in all circumstances.
15:30
Sam: Do you need to be Radical?
15:32
Sam: I feel like you might be a little more gingerly at your techniques.
15:36
Sam: Can you maybe share with us?
15:38
Polly: some of those.
15:38
Polly: Well, the first thing I want to say, if you don't know my story, you know 20 years with an eating disorder, 20 years with an addiction, right, and so that's a pattern.
15:46
Polly: That is pattern stacked upon pattern.
15:48
Polly: And you know, not all addictions are the same, but they all have some similar traces and stuff.
15:56
Polly: And eating disorders are particularly pervasive around shame because they're hidden, especially bulimia, anorexia not as hidden oftentimes, but bulimia can be quite hidden.
16:08
Polly: The person can look quite normal.
16:10
Polly: You know, nobody knew.
16:11
Polly: I mean like nobody in my life knew for all those 20 years, besides the few select people that I had spoken to, I've spoken with about it, ever knew.
16:20
Polly: So you walk around in this veil of shame.
16:22
Polly: It's like this and you want to talk about learned helplessness.
16:26
Polly: Oh, wow, learn lots of learned helplessness.
16:29
Polly: So the disempowerment was stacked and stacked and stacked.
16:33
Polly: Your addiction owned you.
16:34
Polly: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35
Polly: So I cannot say back then I was doing a great job at it.
16:40
Polly: So it took some learning.
16:41
Polly: Yeah, it took some lessons and I'd say you know that addiction definitely owned.
16:47
Polly: One of the things I say is I was like a bird in a cage and I didn't know I had the key.
16:51
Polly: I was like I had the key and then I can unpack that at another time.
16:55
Polly: But really I had the key to get out of that but I didn't realize it and I just kept, you know, reinforcing that.
17:02
Polly: That learned helplessness.
17:03
Polly: I had the idea and now I have tools.
17:08
Polly: I have a toolbox, a toolkit.
17:10
Polly: I have an underlying belief, like I said, you know, like, if everything is always working out for me, like having that belief in your back pocket as a way of living or a philosophy, and the other one I have is my life is supposed to feel good now, like what?
17:26
Polly: Like a baseline, like I think this is something we share.
17:28
Polly: I mean, our core message is how your life feels is better than how it looks 1000%.
17:35
Polly: And we live that.
17:36
Polly: Yeah, like we're living that, not just spouting it, but like now it's more important to us that it feels good in this life every day.
17:45
Polly: You know, that's why we're doing this is helping people realize for themselves, like it can be for you too.
17:51
Polly: So I think, building up the toolbox yeah, mine definitely feels like I've taken some left turns when people are going straight and I'm like gotta go.
18:02
Sam: It's been fun.
18:02
Sam: I'll be getting off here now.
18:04
Polly: Getting off at this.
18:05
Polly: Maybe that's why you have travel wonderlust, yes, yeah.
18:08
Polly: So I would say, you know, yeah, I've had to break some things, break some relationships, break some agreements and work or whatever, or projects, and it's like not going to continue on like this.
18:18
Sam: Right.
18:18
Sam: What I see a lot is that people will think or say out loud if you question them about why they're continuing to be stuck in whatever the thing is, I'm not strong enough yet.
18:31
Sam: I would say you will not get stronger, do until you start doing it.
18:38
Sam: Is it that kind of the thing I mean?
18:41
Sam: I know for me that's personally what it took, over and over repeatedly, to build that muscle.
18:47
Sam: I didn't wait till I woke up one day and felt strong enough to do the radical things.
18:52
Sam: I did the radical things and therefore became strong.
18:54
Polly: Exactly, exactly.
18:56
Polly: Is that what you're experiencing?
18:57
Polly: I think, yeah, you know, expecting to not have fear, not reasonable behavior.
19:03
Polly: Yeah, like oh when I, when I, when I'm, we still have fear.
19:05
Sam: Yeah, we still have anxiety, we still have all the things, and that's where courage comes in.
19:10
Polly: Yeah, is the courage shows up because you have fear.
19:14
Polly: Courageous people don't lack fear.
19:16
Polly: Yeah, they have fear, and they do it anyway, exactly.
19:19
Sam: Right, so we embrace it.
19:21
Polly: Doing the things that you're afraid of.
19:22
Polly: You're worried about how people are going to think of you.
19:24
Polly: Look, how's this going to go?
19:26
Polly: Speaking up, speaking out, whatever it is.
19:28
Polly: It's like, yeah, you know, and we talked in another episode about the enough moment.
19:34
Sam: Right, and so, yeah, reaching that point.
19:37
Polly: Yeah, I mean, I think that is laced in with this.
19:40
Polly: If you're finding yourself stuck, stuck, stuck, like enough already, right, when is enough enough, when is enough enough, and that's up to each person.
19:49
Polly: Right and you and I it's like like now, like no, no, no, not going to like wallow or perpetuate this.
19:56
Sam: But we were born that way and we didn't live a big chunk of our lives that way.
20:00
Sam: Right Things became too much and then there was a tipping point.
20:06
Sam: Yeah, and whatever I broke things you stayed, took exit stage, left.
20:10
Sam: You know, we learned over time so now we are very aware.
20:15
Sam: When we start to feel in our bodies or experience something here doesn't feel right, I'm starting to feel stuck, this that fear, anxiety, all the things.
20:26
Sam: So I should just be aware and address it now, before the tipping point.
20:32
Polly: Yeah, yeah, and I think the recognizing that the power is within us.
20:40
Polly: Just take it back, right.
20:43
Polly: So, yes, you may not be able to change the situation immediately, but you can make some changes in yourself, your actions, the thing outside.
20:52
Polly: It's not pervasive, right.
20:55
Polly: So it's not permanent, it's not pervasive and it's probably not personal.
20:59
Polly: So, if you take that off the table, okay, there's what so, okay.
21:03
Polly: So, what so, what, right?
21:05
Polly: And I think, again, we'll just reinforce that feeling.
21:09
Polly: Good is what your life is about.
21:11
Polly: Life is too short to go on for too many days, weeks.
21:15
Polly: You know, like you said, some people wallow in this.
21:17
Polly: It becomes a part of their personality or their attitude.
21:21
Sam: We're not saying that human being isn't hard.
21:23
Sam: It's hard, but you deserve to feel good on the journey in this one precious life, in this one time frame.
21:29
Sam: So we've talked about how to address it, identify it, what's the process of actually doing it?
21:36
Sam: Good question Walk us through a process of somebody coming to a point where they're like okay, I recognize I'm stuck.
21:44
Sam: Okay, sick of the misery, the suffering, the self-imposed, whatever might be happening here.
21:53
Polly: Now what?
21:53
Polly: No?
21:53
Polly: Well, there's a lot of ways to do this.
21:55
Polly: I'll share a fun one that this has to do with NLP, neurolinguistic programming, that I didn't realize when I was doing it with a friend that that's what this was, but learning what NLP is, that this is what it is, and it's God not to go into too much of how your brain works, but your brain basically stores a lot of things in pictures, right, and so I'll tell you the scenario so I was facing after the 2008 crisis.
22:21
Polly: You know that whole thing.
22:22
Polly: I'm sure a lot of people's finances looked a little different than they did a couple years before.
22:27
Sam: That's happening again now.
22:30
Polly: Surprise.
22:30
Polly: So I had this debt that to me at the time felt ginormous, drowning, drowning.
22:37
Polly: In this debt that I had created, like I, you know, I got a little screwed by some you know scammers and unfortunately found myself with a big debt sitting on my shoulders and what happened was I was going into that.
22:51
Polly: It's permanent, pervasive.
22:53
Polly: You know, if I hadn't done this, this never would have happened.
22:55
Polly: Well, that wasn't helping the scenario, right.
22:57
Polly: So my girlfriend introduced me to this thing.
22:59
Polly: There's this book out there and we can link to it.
23:01
Polly: I think it still exists.
23:02
Polly: She found it, we found it again.
23:04
Polly: It's called the Cube.
23:06
Polly: It's that simple, the Cube.
23:08
Polly: And I won't go into like exactly the process, but this process is a way for you to change the relationship you're having with the problem.
23:16
Polly: Okay, so let's, it's very visual.
23:19
Polly: So for me, for example, in general, how the process looked is, let's say, my previous to doing the cube process.
23:29
Polly: If you had asked me like how big is this?
23:32
Polly: Like if you close your eyes, and how big is this amount of debt, I would have said it's fricking like the Empire State Building, like you know and I'm a five foot woman, you know, I'm like I'm this and it's that I was like, wow, no wonder you feel so disempowered Like it's.
23:49
Polly: You know how you're relating to.
23:51
Polly: It is ginormous, and this process walks you through, and so at the end of it, I could hold my debt in my palm of my hand.
23:57
Polly: It was like a little tiny thing in the palm of my hand, oh wow.
24:00
Polly: And I was like and how I could relate to something that I can hold in my hand.
24:03
Polly: Very different, like it's not bigger than me.
24:06
Polly: I'm way bigger than it.
24:07
Sam: I can do something about this.
24:09
Polly: You know just that internal representation, the visualizing, the, you know feeling, the relationship to that debt, the thing, the story I was telling myself about it transformed it.
24:21
Polly: So from then on it was like all right, I know what to do.
24:24
Polly: And it didn't go away.
24:25
Polly: I'm not saying like right not overnight the same dollar sign.
24:29
Polly: Debt was sitting in my bank account one moment to the next.
24:31
Polly: But my relationship to it, how I felt, my experience of it, dramatically different.
24:36
Sam: You can do that with the relationships too, then, yeah, people, other peoples in your life, problem Definitely jobs yeah, put the, put the problem even health yeah.
24:46
Sam: Yeah.
24:47
Polly: Situations We'll share about that cube.
24:48
Polly: That's one process.
24:49
Polly: So do you have any pointers to people if they're, you know, sitting in situations that are leading to pervasive?
24:56
Polly: You know the thoughts.
24:58
Sam: Yeah, have a suggestion, call us.
24:59
Polly: Yeah.
25:02
Sam: We're coming.
25:02
Sam: Sometimes you really do need some outside help and I think there's a lot of people, unfortunately, that get into isolation and into a cycle of loneliness and really retraction from people who care about them when this is happening, because there is a lot of shame and blame and guilt and all of these things that will only further compound the problem Right.
25:30
Sam: So bringing it out into the light, I think, is absolutely critical.
25:35
Sam: Being honest with at least one person that you love and trust, and if there isn't that person, or there's too much shame and blame to go to that person, someone who has no investment or attachment to it, as a sounding board, I think that can be really, really powerful.
25:53
Sam: We're both coaches, so we understand the value of that relationship, you know.
25:56
Polly: Yeah, but I do think, like you said, taking yourself out self-coaching like that, if nothing else, if you don't feel comfortable sharing, you know whatever's going on.
26:06
Sam: Get in the car and drive away.
26:08
Polly: Yeah, just you know.
26:09
Polly: One of the things we've talked about on our own is about the importance of your environment.
26:13
Sam: Yes, circles Massive.
26:15
Sam: Let's talk about circles.
26:17
Polly: Friends, friends, family, right Like those people.
26:23
Sam: You have a million circles in your life.
26:25
Sam: Yeah, yeah, whether you need to look at them.
26:27
Polly: You know, one thing people often tell me is like I can't like just own my family or whatever.
26:32
Polly: I'm like, yeah, but you can minimize the amount of time.
26:36
Polly: You can, you know, change the percentage of time you're spending with these people and some people say, no, I can't, they're just, they, I'll gobble up all my time.
26:44
Polly: That's you letting them Feeding the turkey.
26:48
Sam: Yes, yeah.
26:49
Polly: So recognizing if you have friends in your life or colleagues or circles.
26:53
Polly: If you can't exit stage left, if you can't change that, break that like, can't own those, those circles can keep you stuck, though.
27:01
Sam: Yeah, I mean they're sticky and muddy and messy and it's.
27:04
Sam: You've got to definitely examine if there are circles you need to leave permanently.
27:10
Sam: Yeah.
27:11
Polly: Yeah, so, taking stock, you know like where in my life is the, are the external people in my life, because that's very important, those people are.
27:20
Polly: That's huge.
27:20
Polly: It's critical, the way that they're shaping your life, whether you know it or not.
27:24
Polly: So take inventory.
27:25
Polly: Can I exit the relationship?
27:28
Polly: Can I find new relationships?
27:30
Polly: Can I reprioritize the time I spend in any of these relationships, and am I willing to If you?
27:37
Sam: stay in them, even though maybe they're not serving you.
27:40
Sam: Can you have solid boundaries?
27:42
Sam: Around what you will and will not engage in conversation time, etc.
27:47
Polly: Yeah, and I think also with yourself, you know.
27:50
Polly: So some of the things that people will do is they'll hermit themselves, they'll hide away and they'll.
27:56
Sam: We have this thing called a pandemic.
27:58
Sam: People got really good at this skill, yeah.
28:00
Sam: So let's all make awareness to.
28:03
Sam: Maybe we are still hermiting.
28:04
Polly: Yeah, and where are you?
28:06
Polly: Where is you spending too much time with you?
28:09
Polly: Not helpful, right.
28:11
Polly: Where is it going a little off course, yeah.
28:14
Sam: And maybe, if you're not loving yourself right now, would you spend all that time with somebody who was not loving on you.
28:22
Polly: And I, you know not, this isn't the solution for everyone, but you know, definitely one of the fastest, I would say, cures for depression.
28:30
Polly: Or you know ways to counteract that, because often the deepest, darkest emotions that we're experiencing are because we're overly obsessed with our problem, like whether I would just describe this you know skyscraper, you know size problem, or we just are thinking about it constantly.
28:46
Polly: Right, Rumination, can you get out of over thinking about yourself for a minute?
28:50
Sam: right.
28:51
Polly: Can you go give back to someone you know, make a phone call, help a friend, check in with other people who maybe you're going through other things right, Like you feel like you've got it bad.
28:59
Polly: Well, you know, maybe somebody else is having some problems too.
29:03
Polly: And when we feel like we're a contribution, we're a gift, we're support to other people, it can radically transform a the focus you're not focusing on your problem.
29:14
Sam: Right right, don't go join another pity party.
29:16
Sam: That's not what we're suggesting.
29:17
Sam: Go find a positive circle, whether it's people you don't even know random strangers at the coffee shop.
29:24
Sam: Start a conversation, you never know how that's gonna go.
29:26
Sam: Or people that you know have high vibes, like going to the jam or going somewhere where there those people in general Are positive and crashing life.
29:35
Sam: Maybe need to go hang out there and rub up against them, and it can be one person.
29:39
Polly: It can be one person, totally one person that, as you talk with them, either you're helping them so yeah, your, your, your.
29:46
Polly: Your focus is not on your problem, for change, you know perhaps, and then helping them get into their life like that's you out of what's wrong with me in my life and into how can I be of service how can I help another?
29:58
Polly: soul and I can really kind of break that pattern that you know.
30:02
Polly: Sometimes we find ourselves like over over room and eighty on our own problem.
30:06
Polly: So those are some ways.
30:07
Polly: So let us know like do you have?
30:09
Sam: other.
30:09
Sam: Do you have other?
30:10
Polly: ideas.
30:10
Polly: What would you do you know to get out of this?
30:13
Polly: But, I think, recognizing that there are moments that Not always are awesome, and it's okay you know where's the gift in it.
30:23
Polly: You know wondering what's trying to happen here.
30:25
Polly: You know telling yourself new stories.
30:28
Polly: You know we're asking new questions, better questions.
30:30
Polly: What if everything is always working out for me?
30:32
Polly: I wonder where this is going right, recognizing that maybe you are having a pity moment or you know some things.
30:39
Sam: Just take that moment.
30:41
Sam: I have one more tool I'd like to add to the box.
30:44
Sam: Okay, because many a day Things are not going awesome in the world for all of us, as we said, but what if you can just find one thing today to do for yourself that feels awesome?
31:00
Sam: So, like, I have my things that make me feel good.
31:04
Sam: Right, and sometimes they're really, really small, like you know stopping in the middle of a really hard day when I'm stressed out or pissed off or whatever, and hitting the pause button and going getting my favorite latte at my favorite coffee shop or whatever, like carving that out.
31:20
Sam: That didn't solve all of my problems and it surely did not course correct my entire life, but that one little gift of awesomeness that I gave to myself completely changed my physiological state.
31:34
Sam: yes, yes, and it can be a pattern yeah, interrupting the pattern, that's what it is right so, and it could be around nourishment, you know, for the physical body, or a spiritual nourishment or whatever.
31:46
Sam: It could be a really, really small thing, like one thing I see you do frequently is give love on your cats and receive love on your cats.
31:55
Sam: Talk about a pattern.
31:56
Sam: I mean, a furry animal is loving on you.
32:01
Sam: That's so massive right, so sometimes it's seeking out that small thing.
32:07
Sam: That really is a huge, awesome gift, absolutely and just recognizing.
32:15
Polly: You know one of my little things I find myself when I can't get away or, you know, break, break something or is.
32:23
Polly: It can be as simple as I don't have to think about this right now.
32:28
Sam: So how do you turn it off though?
32:30
Polly: I don't think about you say that else I'll do something else walk away from the computer walk away from the cell phone.
32:39
Sam: Walk away from the family, that's going, you know, hog wild in the game room or whatever they're all doing while you're trying.
32:45
Polly: Yeah yeah but, oftentimes it.
32:47
Polly: You know, the stuckness is pretty routinely created when you're alone with yourself.
32:53
Polly: So you're alone with yourself, you're ruminating on the problem or magnifying how does that?
33:00
Polly: Like stacking yourself and it's like no wonder you feel like.
33:03
Polly: It's like you know what I don't just like you know like if somebody serves you a big old buffet of food that you don't want to eat, you're like I don't need to know, thank you know, thank you know, thank you right.
33:13
Polly: So your mind is serving up all the crap in your life and you're like Not gonna think about that right now.
33:18
Polly: What else can you do right and for some people like what I was when I was coaching my eating disorder clients, I was like have 10 other things that you can do.
33:26
Polly: Right, like what are 10 other ways that you what I like said pet your cat, go for what whatever.
33:31
Polly: That is usually situational, so brilliant.
33:34
Polly: Do something else.
33:34
Polly: But one of my favorites is Just drop the damn thing, just let it go like course correct, change thought.
33:42
Polly: Okay, we're not thinking about this like Turn on a song, turn on a TV, get go outside, look, look out the window instead of looking, you know, at the floor, your naval, whatever your.
33:56
Sam: Oh my god, what's our takeaway for our audience?
33:58
Polly: to be a polly well, you know, I know we've said this before, but I think really you know we do honor that Awesome isn't always right, but it can be every day.
34:08
Polly: Yes can be and we can find it.
34:10
Polly: So you know, maybe you need an opportunity to start again.
34:13
Polly: But take away is the power is within you.
34:16
Polly: Change the thought, change the focus, change the meaning, change the story, change location, changing environment, something and recognizing how do you want to feel now, now, now, and that's within your control.
34:29
Sam: I love that yeah, hey, remember beautiful humans, how your life feels is way more important than how it looks, and every day is an opportunity to find your awesome.
34:41
Polly: All right, let's get out.
34:42
Polly: Thanks, guys, bye.