Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Listener Question! "My Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Help Out"

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Listener Question! "My Boyfriend Doesn't Want To Help Out" · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:08
Psych mom, show today, I have a treat.
0:11
I got asked a question and this is somebody who reads my blog,
0:16
doctor psych, mom.com and recorded me a voice question so
0:20
that you'll get to hear it. It was based on my podcast, that
0:24
I just recorded about when women think that men never take care
0:28
of them. So she had a question about her
0:31
specific situation and here it is.
0:35
Hi dr. Psych Mom, I'm thrilled that you
0:36
have a podcast and so excited about it.
0:40
My question is about your most recent episode about how to get
0:43
a man to take care of you. I've been with my boyfriend for
0:46
two and a half years, we lived together and we've just been
0:51
having a ton of conflict and I just noticed that it seems when
0:55
I asked for help with chores or I say hey can you take care of
1:00
XY and z or hey, can we have some time together later?
1:04
Ever the case may be, he just seems to get so defensive and
1:09
agitated about the ask and he came and be passive aggressive
1:13
about the chores and we'll make comments about.
1:15
So, is there anything I could do for myself today?
1:18
Or is there anything else you need me to do?
1:20
So I can have the rest of my day to do, whatever, like that kind
1:25
of mortality mortality Tory comments, it's hard to navigate
1:28
that I don't know what to do. So, I asked this listener more
1:36
about the relationship and they've been together for two
1:40
and a half years. They had been talking about
1:43
getting married this year, but quote, things haven't been
1:45
great. And I asked if there are any
1:48
other issues in the relationship.
1:50
She said, yes, there are other issues present.
1:54
And then I asked her if she's a type A personality, because she
1:59
sounded like the kind of person who was recording In the car
2:03
while she was, you know, driving somewhere getting there getting
2:06
shit, done knocking shit out multitasking.
2:09
That's still just the level of energy that I was perceiving in
2:13
that reader or listener and yes so she said that that is the
2:20
case and she would be considered type A or anxious.
2:24
So what this person is struggling with is very similar
2:29
to what many of my female clients struggle with With,
2:32
which is how do you get a man to do something?
2:34
He doesn't want to do and that is tough.
2:37
But there's, there's something really interesting happening
2:41
here which is not only, is she trying to get him to do chores,
2:45
and he won't do it. But she says, like, I want to
2:48
spend time together and he also doesn't want to do it.
2:51
He seems to be very very averse to being controlled at all or
2:56
feeling constricted in any way. Now, this is really not a good
3:01
sign. For somebody that you're
3:02
potentially thinking of spending your life with which is why it
3:06
is good that she is accessing, you know, resources to try to
3:11
help her figure out. If this is actually the right
3:13
choice for her, this guy is not married to you yet listener.
3:19
So, I mean, you really have to make a decision here on whether
3:23
or not, he is making you feel special and prioritized enough,
3:28
it isn't just that he doesn't want to vacuum.
3:30
He also doesn't Really want to be told to do anything even if
3:35
it's spending time together. He has the way that he wants to
3:39
live and organize his life. And he's probably been doing
3:43
that for many years and if you are the usual age of my readers,
3:48
then this may be a second marriage for both of you.
3:53
And he is not showing signs at least in this way, and you say,
3:59
there are other issues. I don't know what those are.
4:01
In at least in this way, he's not showing that he really wants
4:05
to interweave his life with yours.
4:08
I have blog posts on interdependence and while nobody
4:12
wants to be codependent, such that you cannot exist without
4:15
one another or you will perish, because that's the stuff of
4:18
teenage Romeo and Juliet type of romances and we are all adult.
4:23
You also don't want to, you know, like not really care about
4:29
what the other person prioritises and live completely.
4:31
Italy separately in some kind of adult version of toddlers.
4:35
Parallel play. That is not the sort of
4:37
relationship that at least will make most people happy.
4:42
It sounds like this guy is struggling with some avoidant
4:45
attachment which means that he really prizes his independence
4:51
rather than interdependent. It's hard for him to say he
4:54
needs. Probably anybody for anything
4:57
and you want to feel like you guys are alive.
5:01
On each other and are working as a team.
5:05
If he does not have this same perspective, it is going to be
5:09
really hard to fit this square peg into the round hole of what
5:14
you are. Wanting what you are wanting is
5:16
somebody who comes to you and says, hey when can we hang out?
5:19
I miss you. That does not sound like this
5:22
guy. So, attachment, this is a real
5:26
good segue. There are different attachment
5:27
styles that can link you to stuff.
5:29
I've written about that. You see more Anxious attachment
5:32
or the pursuer in a relationship and he is more avoidant
5:37
attachment or the distance sir, so you were probably raised with
5:41
a parent who was warm but you couldn't get their attention all
5:44
the time. So you were kind of hyper
5:47
Vigilant four times where you could.
5:49
If you hung around enough you could get your parent to pay
5:52
attention to you. Where is he was, probably a
5:54
little boy who was told go play go play and Independence was
5:58
very much prized which leads to avoidant attachment.
6:02
So when these type of people meet up later in life, one with
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a caregiver that they couldn't really get the attention of
6:08
constantly, but they knew that the warmth was there.
6:11
That's the preoccupied or anxious attachment or you.
6:14
And then the other with a caregiver that pretty much said,
6:16
go play go play and was not super warm ever.
6:21
Really is usually what leads to avoid an attachment, then these
6:26
two people types of people meet up and one of them is always
6:29
pursuing the other and the other Sir, one is always feeling
6:32
intruded upon and smother. So while you know, your average
6:37
listener of this podcast, maybe like what the hell do you know,
6:41
you can't say this guy is, you know, avoiding or whatever.
6:45
I'm just telling you what I think, like, how I do on the
6:47
blog and like everybody in their job, you got an algorithm if you
6:52
see something hundreds of times, then you can kind of tell when
6:56
its present, so of course, if I'm wrong, you know, then I'm
7:00
wrong. You know?
7:00
This is I'm not, I'm not a psychic but what my gut tells me
7:05
is that this guy's pushing away from closeness, not just in this
7:08
area but in many areas and that you may end up to satisfied with
7:13
this long-term all the reason I asked if you're a more type A
7:17
though, is because also you have to understand what your
7:20
standards are. There are many people I deal
7:23
with that. Just accomplish so much, I work
7:25
with a lot of high achieving people and if you're a type a
7:28
person that gets like more done in a day than like it.
7:31
Take three people. Usually, you know, if you work
7:35
like 10 times faster and you're always multitasking, you're
7:38
always super productive. Sometimes, you can like forget
7:41
what the average person can get done.
7:44
And so it is possible that despite how I also think that
7:49
there are attachment and interdependence issues going on,
7:53
it may also be that your standards for this man's
7:56
productivity are more, like your standards for yourself and in
8:00
that case your Around like the Tasmanian devil and then he
8:04
feels like on principle just since you're up, you want him to
8:08
be up and moving and if you examine that it may not be far
8:12
off, you may want him to be your same level of productivity, but
8:17
your energy, whether it's just energy or nervous, energy is
8:22
something that the average person cannot match and maybe
8:25
shouldn't even want to match if it is a hectic, sort of frenetic
8:30
pace. So this Is some place for you to
8:32
introspect about what your standards are.
8:35
And if this is the case, then you would probably have high
8:37
standards for everybody's productivity and get impatient
8:40
with people in general when they don't match your level of
8:45
getting shit done. So what should you do?
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I believe that you, if, if that resonates with you, you want to
8:53
calm down in that area. And if really, he doesn't have a
8:57
moment to breathe because you are kind of following him around
9:00
and more of an anxious, Style and asking him to do stuff.
9:03
Whether it's fun stuff or not, fun stuff.
9:06
Always asking him to do stuff. Then be cognizant of that
9:09
because nobody's really going to be able to relax in that
9:12
environment. Also though no.
9:16
Does this man want to engage with you on a deep level?
9:20
Does he want to make future plans?
9:22
Does he seem excited about blending your lives?
9:25
Or does he seem like he's always putting up boundaries if he's
9:29
always putting up boundaries and is schedule and his interests
9:33
are always the what comes first that is not a good sign and
9:37
maybe you could think deeply about whether you want to
9:41
continue down the path toward marriage or not.
9:45
If you want to communicate this you could say something like
9:48
listen, I noticed that, I know I asked you to do a lot of chores.
9:52
I could try to stop, you know, asking you quite so many.
9:55
But also, you don't really seem to want to hang out as much as I
9:58
do. And I was really thinking about
10:01
As not really a good sign. I don't know.
10:04
Am I misreading something? It makes me sad to think that
10:07
you don't want to hang out with me and if he says, no, I do.
10:12
But then his behavior doesn't change.
10:14
Well, then actions speak louder than words but if he says
10:18
something like, yeah, I do but it seems like kind of you're
10:20
always disappointed in me and I'm never getting enough stuff
10:23
done for your taste and the cheapest kind of worries me
10:26
about what it'll be like if we live together then you know then
10:30
that would be something for or you to introspect about that
10:33
would be a good answer. That would be somebody bringing
10:35
his vulnerability out and saying that in some way he wants to be
10:41
close but he feels that the dynamic is difficult to people
10:46
can work on a dynamic, but what your job is to figure out.
10:50
Does this man, really just want to be single, does he want to be
10:53
single with like a girlfriend sometimes?
10:56
Or does he want to be a married man whether or not?
10:59
That's on paper, doesn't Just want to blend lives together or
11:05
not. So this is something for you to
11:07
deeply. Think about.
11:09
Now, the next thing for you to think about is whether this is a
11:14
pattern in you, like I don't know what your dating history
11:18
was like, but if we were in therapy, then that's what we
11:22
would be talking about. In addition to the the
11:26
relationship that you saw between parents growing up.
11:29
So is this a pattern that you started to see when you're a kid
11:34
where one person kind of takes care of everything and the
11:38
other? Person has to be pulled along
11:42
and is usually for a woman that is engaged in this.
11:47
The mother would be the one that you would be looking at.
11:50
Was your mother kind of doing everything in your father.
11:52
Kind just got pulled along and or did you have a single mother
11:56
who would then have by default and doing everything or
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sometimes? It could be just that you saw
12:00
the dynamic and it doesn't have to, you know, Concord with
12:04
gender could be that the father did everything in the mother was
12:07
pulled along. That would be Rarer for a woman
12:10
who's replicating this Dynamic, but it happens sometimes.
12:14
And then we have to look at your previous relationships and or
12:17
marriages, right? I don't know where you fall in
12:21
terms of if you've been married before, I'm guessing possibly,
12:26
as many of my followers are, I'm divorced.
12:29
I have a lot of divorced people, but anyhow, is this something
12:34
that happens where you get invested and the other person
12:37
isn't as enthusiastic about What engagement in various ways
12:42
starts out great. They seem really great.
12:45
They're into you. But then little by little you
12:48
see that you are the engine of the relationship and somehow
12:53
this just comes upon you, you know?
12:55
And you're not really noticing it getting worse and worse, like
12:59
a lobster getting boiled alive in a pot, right?
13:02
And before, you know it, you are the one who is creating all of
13:06
the plans and you are the one Who's in charge of everything,
13:10
all of the time and you're basically begging this person to
13:14
do stuff, whether it's doing chores or hanging out with you
13:17
or even just like kind of being nice and and enthusiastic and
13:23
willing to do anything. Now in this sort of case, if you
13:28
recognize that this is a pattern that you get into then you have
13:32
to think I am missing red flags. I have to because it can't just
13:37
be that you By Magic. Everything turns out the same.
13:41
There is no magic so what you have to think is, am I ignoring
13:47
signals that this person is not really into again interweaving
13:55
lives that I basically get these more avoidant kind of people and
14:00
then I get into a dynamic kind of like what I saw growing up
14:03
and this would really be common for people to do is to get into
14:08
these Dynamics over. And over and ignore early signs.
14:10
Now, you could say what are early signs?
14:12
That somebody's not going to want, because you were done.
14:15
Like, he doesn't like to help out, but he doesn't like to help
14:17
out. He also just doesn't like to
14:19
hang out. He also doesn't really like to
14:20
do it. He doesn't like to do.
14:22
So it's a broader problem as it is, for many people who don't
14:26
like to help out. It's really a broader problem
14:29
than that than just being quote lazy or anything else.
14:32
It's again, having more of these their boundaries around
14:36
themselves are too strong. They can't Really let in someone
14:40
else and then you're always knocking at the door, you know,
14:43
to be let in. And that's really not a fun
14:46
place to be, but if you grew up seeing something like this, then
14:51
you don't kind of notice it before.
14:53
It's too late. So what are some of these red
14:55
flags then? Okay, so let's say even in the
14:58
first couple of weeks of data did this person try to get you
15:04
to go on other dates where they planning out to the future if
15:08
you had To go. Some, where did they get the
15:10
tickets or did you get the tickets?
15:13
Did they start? Like, you know, making things to
15:16
places to hang out that were closer to where they live, where
15:19
they more into their own convenience?
15:22
Did they even from the beginning?
15:23
Have really kind of rigid priorities around when they had
15:28
their time with friends, their time with family that really
15:32
couldn't move but yet the stuff with you could get moved, you
15:36
know, this would start like I only like a couple weeks or
15:41
months in people act like oh my god, when we got married,
15:45
everything changed, like, sometimes that could be somewhat
15:49
true. Usually though there are red
15:52
flags almost from the Inception. And what I think you are
15:56
struggling with is this type of dynamic where you are ignoring
16:01
that? These people tend to be
16:04
definitionally selfish into the self, they are into themselves.
16:09
It doesn't mean something bad. It's not selfish a pejorative
16:12
term. They are more into themselves
16:15
and their priorities which would be totally fine.
16:18
If you weren't trying to have a relationship with them.
16:22
So you could go one of two ways upon Reno receiving this
16:25
feedback. Either you could be like, holy
16:27
shit. This is totally what it's like.
16:29
In fact, it's like this with everyone, and I really want to
16:32
kind of do some deeper internal work and self-reflection on why
16:36
I always end up in these relationships where I am.
16:39
Bagging, this large male, Albatross behind me you know
16:43
like dragging him into everything that we want to do
16:47
begging him to participate in what I think should be our
16:51
couple activities. You could say, you know, like, I
16:54
don't really want to be in this relationship anymore or if you
16:58
are, you know, really into the sky still and you feel maybe he
17:02
is avoidant attachment or whatever I'm saying but he's so
17:05
good guy and you still see a future and whatever.
17:07
Then you You can try to communicate really really
17:12
differently. So first of all stop telling him
17:16
to do shit like it's not working.
17:18
So stop just literally stop and start living your life.
17:23
Don't ask him to do chores. Don't ask him to hang out
17:26
basically. Just have fun with him again and
17:29
try to see if that if you actually do have fun with him or
17:33
not. Sometimes you don't actually you
17:36
know really even have fun with the person anymore.
17:39
And you can't even remember that because you're always asking
17:41
them to do more and more stuff. It's like if you actually just
17:45
stop asking him to do shit that he doesn't want to do.
17:48
Will he then show you any of his better qualities?
17:51
Because it becomes actually more fun and more comfortable again
17:56
and more laid-back. Will he start being funny and
18:00
smart and making cute little jokes or hitting on you more or
18:05
initiating romantic activities more?
18:08
If the pressure is on Is off. So this is the first thing that
18:11
you can do, right? Is you can like all of a sudden
18:14
just stop. Now, you don't have either from
18:16
what I understand. Maybe I'm maybe I'm misreading,
18:20
I don't think you have kids with this guy so I it's not like he
18:23
has to and should be, you know, engaging in childcare or
18:26
anything like that. I don't really even know if you
18:28
live with him. So he doesn't really have to do
18:32
anything. You are still in kind of a phase
18:35
where it should be fun. The first thing that I would do
18:37
is try to stop asking To do anything and just see if he can
18:42
then come forward and have fun with you.
18:44
So stop asking him to hang out. By the way.
18:46
Also make all of your own plans. Make plans with friends, make
18:50
plans with you if your kids if you have kids whatever but do
18:54
not ask him to hang out see if then he comes forward to hang
18:57
out with you. This is not a mind fucker, a
19:00
manipulation tactic. I literally want to know if this
19:03
man just feels a lot of pressure from your type A personality and
19:08
in the absence of Of this pressure.
19:09
Will he come forward more? Maybe he will.
19:13
Right? So let's say he doesn't well if
19:17
he doesn't then I mean you can talk to him about that, you can
19:21
say, you know, I really did try to lay but you know layoffs and
19:25
I noticed that then we haven't seen each other for three weeks,
19:28
what's up? So like that would be definitely
19:30
a conversation that you should be having also.
19:34
I would try to engage in a different Sort of way about
19:41
positive things more frequently, so sometimes people don't
19:44
remember that. Like, there's a ratio, you know,
19:48
sometimes people don't know this, but a lot of people know.
19:50
Now, strangely clients tell me about the ratio John gottman was
19:54
a marital researcher and he said that you need 7 positive things
19:58
for every one negative thing that you say, well, I mean, how
20:02
bad are most people failing on that, right?
20:05
I mean I'm feeling with my kids like you know, like never mind.
20:09
I'd like partner. So if you think about it, how
20:13
many positive things do you actually say to your boyfriend
20:16
for every time that you say to him?
20:18
Hey, could you pick up the dry cleaning?
20:19
Hey could you go get me that? Hey, why don't you help me with
20:22
this or that? Are you saying to him?
20:24
Anything positive at all? You may say well he not saying
20:27
anything positive to me but he's also not writing into dr.
20:30
Sake mom, you know, so if you're the one who really wants to get
20:33
a handle on this, then take the bull by the horns frequently.
20:37
If one partner becomes more positive.
20:39
Other one becomes more positive so in addition to laying off and
20:42
seeing if this allows him to maybe come forward, you know if
20:46
he feels like that he can never really attain your standards if
20:50
you're like super productive. As was my hypothesis and he's
20:53
just a kind of average productive and he feels like
20:56
he's never going to really fully please.
20:59
You, then he may just have like you know, retreated so if you
21:04
then Retreat, it gives him time to come time and space to come
21:07
forward and be more Or assertive and to pursue you like, you want
21:12
you really want him to pursue you.
21:14
That's kind of the issue here. So, let's say that you act more
21:19
positive. You tell them that he looks
21:20
handsome, you say that he's smart when he's smart.
21:23
You laugh at his jokes again? Like, you used to in the
21:25
beginning of the two and a half years, you know, two and a half
21:28
years ago and and nothing really changes and still like he will
21:34
not, you know, help I mean like he sees, you get up and Vacuum
21:39
and he does not get up and he just sits there.
21:41
He sees you make food and he watches TV.
21:44
He sees you clean up the food then he watches TV.
21:46
Hey, do you notice anything? And what I'm saying, don't do
21:49
that by the way, don't do these things.
21:52
Do not get up and make the food and then clean up the food.
21:56
Make the food and then sit your ass down on the TV on the sofa
22:00
and watch TV and say oh I'm too tired to clean up unless he is
22:06
like the worst person in the world.
22:09
He will eventually clean up. It might not be on your timeline
22:13
but he will clean up if he is a normal, nice guy.
22:17
So that is another thing. Stop over functioning, this goes
22:21
back to my over functioning podcast, do not over function,
22:25
if you cook the food, you're not also cleaning up the food like
22:28
just you're never going to do that again.
22:30
If you are the one who you know, does any like first part of a
22:36
task, don't also do the second part of the task.
22:39
If you go out and get the groceries, he's going to put
22:41
away the groceries nobody unless they're a sociopath is going to
22:46
see that. You went out to get groceries
22:48
for the house, they're going to eat half of and then they're
22:51
just going to sit there as they are while the grocery sit on the
22:54
floor. If you don't do anything, they
22:58
may take 20 minutes to get up but they will get up.
23:01
They will get up if they are a loving normal person, that is
23:06
not a sadist and they will get up if you see I'm too tired to
23:09
do it. What the problem is is you're
23:12
not letting yourself seem too tired to do it because you don't
23:14
trust that he's going to get up and do it and a lot of this can
23:17
come full circle back to anything that you saw growing
23:21
up. If you never saw your dad,
23:22
helped your mom, then you're not going to expect guys to help
23:25
you. Then your first boyfriend, you
23:26
get into this pattern, your next boyfriend and then brings us all
23:29
the way to mr. Wonderful.
23:31
That you're dealing with now. So to summarize.
23:35
What are my summarized points? A i At the guys, you go far for
23:40
our avoidant attachment. I think that they really
23:43
prioritize themselves and you need to think deeply about
23:46
whether that is a dynamic that you are into or whether you
23:50
would like to do some deep self work.
23:52
Potentially get guys who think differently because you start to
23:57
maybe believe that that's possible for guys to think
24:00
differently. I don't think currently you do
24:02
most people don't they think. Oh well got guys are all kind of
24:05
selfish and whatever. So it's you know better the
24:08
devil you You know, know there's plenty of guys who are going to
24:11
really be willing and happy to hang out and interweave their
24:15
life with yours, right? So that's number one, is the
24:18
avoidant attachment issue, then is your type A anxious
24:21
personality. So, is this kind of too much for
24:25
any person to really compete with?
24:28
And does he think that he will never get up to your level of
24:32
standards and productivity? So he's kind of gone into this
24:34
hopelessness mode. That's also a possibility.
24:37
I did bring up the point. There may not be enough.
24:40
Positivity going on in the relationship on either
24:43
direction, but if you want to start it, then if you're the one
24:48
with a issue with this relationship, and you really
24:50
want to see if it can make it or not, you start the positive
24:53
words, okay? And then also lastly, stopover
24:57
functioning, sit your ass down and say I'm tired.
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And look at him and he will. If he loves you and cares about
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you, he will do something to help you.
25:09
If he has the space, if you say I'm tired, as you're putting the
25:13
groceries in the fridge, you don't really seem that tired.
25:17
You seem like a person who's putting groceries into a fridge,
25:20
and he thinks potentially that. If he gets up and tries to help,
25:24
you're going to say, no, that's not where the strawberries go.
25:27
So he sits still on the couch. So, is that a wonderful thing
25:32
for him to do? No.
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But is it understandable? Certainly given this Dynamic.
25:37
So stop over. Sit down.
25:40
If you are tired and you are overwhelmed.
25:42
Say, I am tired and overwhelmed, get a blanket and sit on the
25:46
couch. And then if he does stuff for
25:47
you, which eventually he's going to, if he is a kind of a
25:51
normative human being, he will at some point take care of you.
25:55
If you give him the space to, which is what you really wrote
25:59
in about is how do I get them to take care of me?
26:01
In all of these ways that I'm saying by being more positive by
26:07
understanding who? He is as a person and by giving
26:10
him space and time to come forward without you taking care
26:18
of you. So well that he has no space to
26:20
step in and take care of you and that is my summary.
26:25
Hopefully, some of those points resonate with you.
26:28
If not send me another lovely voice message, and we can work
26:33
it out again on another podcast episode.
26:37
So thanks so much. Our for giving me the voice
26:40
message, anybody else who wants to send a voice message or an
26:43
email feel free, you can even email me a voice message at
26:48
Samantha Rodman at gmail.com or if you use the anchor app, I'm
26:54
recording this on anchor. So on anchor dot f m, if you
26:58
want to send me a voice message, this person figured out how I
27:02
didn't even know it was possible and that's a wrap.
27:06
Thanks so much for listening guys.