Latest / Questionable Detour / Massaging the shoulders of a kidnapper, mannequin people, and seeking counseling on Craigslist

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Massaging the shoulders of a kidnapper, mannequin people, and seeking counseling on Craigslist · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
All right, well Perry, welcome back. Thank you. So go ahead and answer this question.
0:28
How has your life changed since the last time, since episode five or six, whichever one you're on?
0:33
Do you find yourself being plagued with paparazzi coming out of your house?
0:38
Yeah, a lot of people stopped me on the street somehow because you can't see my face in the podcast, but they piece it together.
0:44
They know your voice.
0:46
Yeah, they know my voice. It's similar to all the stories about Alan. I feel like I can relate a lot.
0:51
All the news stories coming out about his life, you know. I'm in a very similar situation.
0:55
Yeah, they hear Perry's voice from across the street and their ears perk up like a deer hearing a predator.
1:01
Neck gets all stiff and they turn around like, is that who I thought it was?
1:06
Have you gotten any sponsorship gigs since you're still in the program?
1:10
Yeah, Vitamin Water came out.
1:11
Okay.
1:13
That's a good one.
1:15
That's a good sponsor to have.
1:16
Vitamin Water.
1:18
Well, I think we'd love to get that Vitamin Water money.
1:20
Yeah, I'll talk to them.
1:22
I'll talk to them.
1:23
They just cut us out of that. You know, we're glad we're changing lives. We have gotten a couple make-a-wish offers.
1:29
Kids in their last six months.
1:32
So if y'all remember a couple weeks back, we had a guy named Eric. He emailed him.
1:36
He was looking for advice from the wise people that we are and the advice was he was having a kid.
1:42
He's in college with his girlfriend and he needed advice on maybe how to take care of the kid.
1:47
And we gave him advice and he wrote back this week and said, hey guys, a few weeks back
1:51
I emailed you guys about my girlfriend being pregnant and asked you what I should do. When I saw all that you answered my email
1:58
I listened to the episode with my girlfriend and she thought it was funny too. Until the advice.
2:03
She was horrified lol, especially with the advice that I should dismember babies and sell off the parts.
2:10
I was rolling. It was so funny. But anyway, you guys have made a stressful situation better. So thank you.
2:16
Don't stop uploading because I look forward to the new episode every week. Thanks, Eric.
2:20
Eric, thank you for reaching back out.
2:23
How do you feel about the only one like I pointed out was yours?
2:27
I think sometime the people up front leading the charge is the first to get shot.
2:32
If you had to do it over, would you still choose infant chop shop? Yeah, I think it's sound advice.
2:38
Okay, sometimes you got to crack an egg to make an omelet and I'm just trying to help this guy out.
2:43
Yeah, that's fair. Perry, did you have any thoughts on the advice as a whole?
2:47
Well, I don't know how cracking an egg and making an omelet works in an analogy, but uh, that egg was already cracking.
2:53
I think I think it's just the process of naming things different. You have a baby. It's an egg. You crack it, you know
3:00
You call things different. Yeah
3:02
So I like the advice that Alan gave that basically like he's living out the pregnancy with the girlfriend and like he can understand
3:07
I think that's probably the best advice I heard. Um, see here's the thing about it and I don't mean to criticize
3:13
Alan, he's a very smart guy, very high IQ. Why is beyond his years?
3:18
I don't like taking half measures and I just feel like that was a half measure. I took the full measure, you know
3:23
You know, you say a lot on this program
3:28
Most I would say too much. Some things you can't take back.
3:36
I think what I did- if only people knew how much I edited out
3:39
I think we played it safe for Eric and Mrs. Eric. Um, I think I think that's that's an option they can go with
3:48
They can go with any option. Evan, what was your option? I don't remember. It really says that it goes in one ear out the other way.
3:55
I think Evan goes on autopilot. I really do. I have no idea what I'm saying.
3:59
That's why it goes on for like five minutes and I'm just like by the end of it. I'm like, I don't know how I got here
4:05
But yeah, you're welcome. Eric. Why do y'all think why y'all think women don't like our podcast?
4:09
Because I guarantee you he his girlfriend is not the only significant other that is horrified
4:14
I think it's the women's problem. I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I think that may be
4:19
The reason because you say that not because it's the women's problem, but because we have directly attacked women in the past
4:25
We've only supported women. Not physically. Not physically.
4:29
We've not physically assaulted any women in the past. Mainly emotionally, verbally
4:32
And by assault, I mean just come at them very aggressively. Yeah
4:36
And maybe we said some things about women that could be misconstrued as misunderstood. Yeah
4:43
I think that's what I'm trying to get at is we're just misunderstood the things we say they're taken out of context
4:48
I think in an effort to appease the women
4:51
I think we're gonna get Evan to list off his top three favorite women. Number one gotta go with the heavy hitter Rosa Parks
4:57
Sure. You're really number one about women. Don't call them heavy hitters
5:00
Strong historical figure
5:03
Rosa Parks number two probably Sacagawea. Okay. She uh did a lot of exploring. That's cool
5:10
She's from here. She didn't need to do exploring
5:13
She walked around the neighborhood
5:15
That's like going into your backyard going to the other side of the fence and going I explored. Yeah. Well, I say that every day
5:22
Um number three probably gonna go with
5:26
I'm not gonna edit out this silence. I'm gonna let people listen to you think
5:30
Because he's a lot to choose
5:32
He only knows two women
5:36
Oh, I guess I gotta say my wife
5:38
There it is
5:40
Saved
5:42
But um as far as women go get on board it's not us it's you it's a woman heavy podcast
5:47
Yeah, we do we talk about a lot of women
5:49
Yeah, it's because we support them exactly support the heavy women. We support the heavy women not with our arms
5:56
No, they're short lifts
5:59
We lift with our legs obviously
6:01
Anyway, let's uh, let's do damage control. Welcome to questionable detour podcast. Let's do uh, let's do a hypothetical
6:07
Dave can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
6:12
I guess I want to apologize for asking
6:14
I'm sorry
6:15
Well, that's a hypothetical question for the first hypothetical you were talking to a customer
6:20
They're unhappy and behaving aggressively towards you. How do you react if somebody comes into my establishment?
6:26
My place of business my job and they start acting disrespectful to me what i'm immediately going to do is
6:33
Strap myself to their body. I'm gonna take a series of
6:38
Bungee cords
6:39
Ratchet straps tape of different varieties and discosities and just start wrapping myself to the back of their body
6:47
Is it only to the back of their body? I'm my back is on their back of their body
6:51
Okay, because if they're gonna sit if they're gonna talk bad to me at the register of the target that they're buying their shampoos and groceries
6:59
And children's clothing and computer games. Is this an ad for a target? Why are you?
7:03
If they're gonna they're gonna save all this money at target
7:10
Target circle card will come in handy
7:12
If they're gonna use the target app on checking out
7:15
Most locations have a starbucks inside
7:19
If they're gonna do all that yeah to me in that moment they're gonna have to live with it
7:24
I'm gonna have to live with it
7:26
I'm gonna have to live with it
7:28
If they're gonna do all that yeah to me in that moment, they're gonna have to live with it
7:33
They're gonna have to have me with them for the rest of their day. Oh, it's just for a day
7:37
Okay, I want them to whenever they feel oh my back's kind of heavy and maybe I'm carrying somebody around on my back
7:43
You know, I want them to think about how poorly they treated me. I don't think they're gonna forget that they're carrying you around
7:50
How do you go about this but Craig congratulations on getting the job at Target by the way, it's a big yet. Thank you
7:56
Yeah, yeah, it's a great company. They match 401k. Okay, you've been there for a year. Okay, things are things are good
8:03
So that happens there the route to you. How do you go about not only?
8:08
Getting all the supplies it takes to
8:11
Strap yourself to him
8:12
But how do you do that as they are a completely different individual and may not want you to be strapped to their back
8:18
So first off if you think that I don't have rope on me at all times, you're an idiot
8:22
Don't ever think that that's that'd be so stupid of you. So I've got a lot of rope
8:27
Okay, I have a fashion some sort of tripwire situation here into where the person falls on the ground
8:32
I immediately pounce on top of them sort of cougar style. Not the older woman. Yeah
8:38
The large cat. Yeah, maybe but maybe but maybe you do have a denim skirt on maybe I do maybe
8:46
Maybe I'm looking for a young lifeguard
8:48
Yeah, what are what are cougars into I don't know
8:51
But anyways, I pounce on top of this guy
8:54
Or woman, you know doesn't matter doesn't matter who if they're disrespectful. I'm gonna treat him the exact same way
8:59
Yeah, and that's we support women and we support with equal rights. Yeah, so after I've got him on the ground
9:04
I'm get him in a chokehold or something and I most of the time people will see that happening and they'll think oh shoplifter
9:09
Yeah, we're not gonna let him steal from Target. The deals are already so good. Just pay for it
9:13
Yeah, I'm gonna get him on the ground. I'm gonna get him on the ground
9:16
From Target the deals are already so good just pay for it
9:18
And so they'll come over and help me subdue the person and then I'll say as part of our policy
9:23
I have to now strap myself to them. Will you guys help me and they're like, it's a weird policy
9:28
We didn't pay attention in the briefing, but I'm sure you did you seem like an upstanding guy
9:33
Yeah, we'll help you strap yourself to them
9:36
So you get you incite a mob mentality to strap yourself to them
9:41
And then what does the person just kind of deal with this? They're like, I they accept their fate as they drag you out of
9:47
The the target well one of the ropes is actually used in use a sort of a bridle or a gag fashion
9:54
Okay, so they really don't really have a choice. So they can't talk. Do you talk form? I do you do
10:00
You just kind of take on their your whole yeah. Yeah, are you which way are you facing when you're strapped to their back?
10:06
I'm I'm facing directly behind them. Yeah, he's checking their six. Okay, so your back is yeah
10:10
Yeah, okay. Okay. I was you're straddling them
10:16
Like a piggyback ride style, yeah, yeah face just buried in the back of their heads
10:21
Yeah, that way you can like see where you're going and like talk for them and whatnot
10:25
But no, I assume you just you're strapped the opposite way and you're just kind of talking what we're doing
10:30
Is a professor Quirrell Voldemort from Sorcerer's Stone
10:34
So if I need to talk to somebody while strapped to them they've got to turn me around
10:43
So I just start slapping them on the thigh like a horse turn me around
10:49
Is that how you talk to them the whole time yeah, I like get an old prospector voice
10:58
It must be interesting as they leave target and they have to sit down because I don't know if you know the mechanics of
11:04
Somebody sitting down, but your back
11:06
Must be very sore because it's bending the opposite direction it needs a bit
11:10
So what happens is when they walk out to their car to sit down they are the back. I'm not the back
11:15
Okay, I gotcha. I'm the front you've taken over their life
11:19
I'm taking over their faces just smushed into the back of that seat. Yeah. Yeah, I mean they're tied up
11:25
They can't they can't say anything. I'm essentially moving for them
11:28
You know and what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna basically take over their life
11:32
And I'm gonna just be really nice to people because you know what they should have known better
11:37
They should have known better than to talk to me in that disrespectful tone. Yeah got sass
11:43
Come on of all people
11:46
They should have known better and now they will because I'm gonna just be super nice to everybody saying everybody should be
11:52
Nice the first responders well, please EMS target workers. You know those are yes
11:57
People the people that respond first those are those are
12:03
Have you I mean?
12:05
Red line, and then there's the red circle yeah
12:08
Who hasn't been in a situation where you're in a you're in a pickle and you call 9-1-1?
12:13
You're like who can I patch in with police or EMS you go no target yeah?
12:18
Get target on the line. This is an emergency. They're like we've got SWAT in the area no
12:23
That won't work. I'll do
12:27
Call the electronics desk at Target
12:29
There's a tier of people of who I'm nice to okay the first obviously first responders target employees
12:35
They get they get the top the top tier kindness second level liberal arts students, okay?
12:40
That's a higher than I thought that was just me well. They're gonna have a crappy life anyways, okay, so
12:47
Then I can maybe get a job with that whatever degree they're they're coming out with
12:50
So somebody needs to be nice, so I know their parents are not gonna be
12:54
Any old conservative men in their life probably not gonna think too highly of that
12:58
They're gonna need they're gonna need a little extra dose of kindness. Yeah, that's very selfless. Yeah, yeah, well you know
13:03
What's the longest you've been attached to a person?
13:06
You said a day earlier, but it doesn't go is a day just is it a hard line or extend?
13:10
I said a day, okay, but I also lie sometimes
13:14
I bet that
13:16
a day fit the situation earlier, but now I'm gonna now I think I'm gonna up it to a full week
13:24
I don't I don't blame you the world's getting bad. They need a little
13:27
Be honest with you. I don't think a day would do it for some of these I'm saying sometimes sometimes to break a horse
13:33
You need to ride right at the back a little bit more. You know a week for a week
13:36
Yeah, don't get off that horse. Don't say on it
13:38
Don't even go to bed. You have talked about how a day for you on someone's back is a week in normal time. Yeah
13:47
You really enjoy it. It's time flies. Yeah
13:49
Yeah, I don't I don't feel the time when I'm living somebody else's life
13:53
My life's put on pause and I'm living theirs and fast forward. Yeah, absolutely
13:57
Does that mean you just sprint everywhere and yes, and when I get tired I make them spray
14:03
They'll be my legs
14:05
I bet at the end of the week though. They hated you all week. There's guys
14:09
They give a grove man attached to your back, but I've been at the end of the week though
14:11
They're like I'm missing something now. Yeah, you know like it's about the friends you make along the way, you know
14:17
Sometimes you'll see that person who you know, they've learned something along the way
14:20
But then they think about you and they're like man, I want to be mean to somebody. Yeah, so that guy comes back. Yeah
14:26
You are so good that it's actually counterproductive to your entire point
14:30
Do they ever like call you to try to get you to come back or like you're getting off you're unstrapped
14:36
They're like, no don't go when I'm unstrapping they say don't go
14:39
Yeah, a lot of times or every time do they call you as if it's a hostage situation and they're they're in a cast register
14:47
They're like you don't come back right now. I'm gonna talk about this guy's mom. I
14:52
Say don't you do it? No, you dare do it or on your back over right now
14:56
You get
14:59
They like your mom's fat and you hear that with a phone you're like dang it
15:03
You gotta go to that you gotta go to whatever establishment they're at, you know
15:09
It's one of those things where you know, you're glad to hear from him again
15:12
But then they they just start being rude never meet your heroes never
15:18
Especially if it's a middle-aged woman in the target
15:20
Yeah
15:21
I
15:21
Bet you leave the house with from Katie with the same attitude that maybe an old West cowboy leaves
15:27
He's his house when he's got to go on a long journey that he doesn't want to it's just kind of solemn
15:32
He looks at and says sweetie. I gotta go
15:35
Yep, she she kisses you on the cheek and I'll be here when you get back. That was a really good good
15:42
Like what was Katie in the room? Yeah, did we just patch her in?
15:46
But yeah, do you kind of I see it's a lot like that a lot of a lot of longing looks, you know
15:51
You don't know if you'll be back. I don't know if I don't know if I'll be back. Just look at the sunrise
15:57
That's while you're see me. I said
16:03
Look up at the moon. We're looking at the same thing sweetie. He's out there somewhere
16:09
Your kids grow old
16:12
They talk about dad when I walk out the door I play that classic Lone Star song already there. Yeah
16:19
the
16:21
Worst part is you you try to make it back home and you're just strapped on somebody's back. So you're just like
16:27
Like fogging up the road. So we do we have a dinner guest
16:31
Okay, just like there goes my hero
16:36
You love what you do you never work, okay, that's right
16:39
It's why it happens quick for you time time does what time happens for you quick time. Yeah, I speak like Yoda
16:44
I'm speaking right now. I'm just kind of exactly like Yoda. Yeah
16:47
Man, that's good. Hey, you're doing you're doing good things for society. You're doing God's work over there
16:51
You know changing hearts and straightening lives. I don't know
16:55
Who's next? Who's what are y'all doing when somebody's rude to y'all first thing?
16:59
I'm doing somebody comes at me quick and fast with their words and they say something like oh your heads too big. Oh
17:06
Which you very sensitive about
17:09
size really
17:11
Matters forever. It really does historically it brings my problem on this show. Yeah
17:15
I don't have to console them after we turn off the mics
17:18
Yeah, it hurts to think about but as soon as they they say that and it comes through my ear canals
17:23
I whip out my trusty book and I start reading to the good book the good book not the Bible
17:30
The jungle book. Oh by Ronald doll. Yeah
17:34
Not by
17:36
The other one who's the other one Rudyard Kipley Kipley anyway, I started reading to him. He starts nodding off
17:41
I form a little pile of clothes
17:43
In the shape of like a bed a rough a rough bed that you would find in the jungle
17:47
Maybe just a little pile of clothes
17:49
I set him down on it really lull him to sleep with my book and while he sits there and snoozes and you know
17:54
Takes a quickie
17:59
Nothing gets you to sleep faster than a quickie. He does what now?
18:03
takes a quickie nap and
18:07
This is a department store by the way, there's clothes everywhere, okay
18:10
I put our designer clothes on the best of the best. I put them in the window stand them up
18:15
He wakes up. He's a mannequin. Hmm realizes. He has nothing to go back to no job. No home. No family
18:21
How does he realize that I have it all right there on my phone
18:23
It's all just all the important docs right there and he just he can't leave because he won't so he has nothing
18:30
We're nowhere to go now. You have broken these people so bad
18:33
Do they ever want to leave their new job as a mannequin?
18:36
No, this is all they have no. Yeah, so why would they leave? Where would they go that and they are?
18:42
semi shackled
18:44
to the mannequin post
18:46
So physically can they leave no second do they want to leave also?
18:51
No, yeah, but they also can't once you break somebody's spirit. They're not leaving
18:54
Yeah, so it's really you could take the shackles off and they still wouldn't go anywhere because even when they are shackled
19:01
It's just like loosely over a pole. It's not easy
19:04
They can just slide it off if they wanted to but you've broken them
19:07
They really have broken their spirit
19:09
When you get up in front of a window in crisp pair of pleated dockers
19:15
I mean
19:17
It's a different feeling
19:19
Where are you really going? You're there
19:21
Wherever you are, even if he had a family he wouldn't go back
19:25
So we put him in a good position
19:27
I mean, it's not like it's not like I'm what position do you put him in? Doggy
19:31
I don't know not a very not a very relatable position to show off clothes
19:37
He's on all fours
19:39
Okay, of course, you're like searching for a wedding ring or something
19:41
Yeah, you're gonna look so good in these dockers looking for looking under your sink
19:47
Yeah, it's a very practical mannequin
19:49
Drop the contact lens
19:51
He's trying to find his glasses
19:53
But yeah
19:55
We're more for practicality in our department
19:57
How does the pleats function? How does that suit jacket?
20:01
How would that work?
20:03
How does it move?
20:05
What's the flexibility in that?
20:07
You want to be versatile
20:09
Yeah, we try to keep it practical
20:11
Let me go back to you reading the book
20:13
Do you maybe put on a smoking jacket?
20:15
Light a fire
20:17
Yeah, we get it
20:19
In a fireplace
20:21
Yeah, we get it
20:23
And maybe sit down in a big armchair
20:25
Is that how you go about reading the book?
20:27
Yeah, we get them cozied up in a corner
20:29
We have a fireplace by the cash register
20:31
Was it originally a fireplace or did you just stack some stones and light fires next to your register?
20:37
Yeah, it's just like a box of cinder blocks
20:41
Just crudely
20:43
Crudely
20:45
People say I have a way with words
20:47
Yep
20:49
And all because they said your shirt's a little tight
20:53
Yep, they said my head's a little too big
20:55
I can't take that kind of
20:57
And you ruin their life
20:59
Yeah, I can't take that kind of flack
21:01
So how many times have you done this to people?
21:03
How many mannequins have you got in the store now?
21:05
How many departments do we have?
21:07
Men's, women's
21:09
Probably six now, I think
21:11
So six men have gotten quickies from you
21:15
And
21:17
Follow up, there are other mannequins at the store
21:21
There's regular mannequins, yeah
21:23
Or aka places that need to be filled
21:25
Yes, they're just placeholders
21:27
Do they get jealous of the regular humans in there taking their jobs?
21:33
A little bit, yeah, they've started a union
21:35
And I'm not happy about it
21:39
But there's not much legally I can do about it
21:41
It's crazy that you can control human beings but not control inanimate objects shaped as human beings
21:47
They're so much harder
21:49
They have so much more legal power
21:55
And I don't get it
21:57
There's literally nothing I can do about it
22:01
You threaten them, you're like I'll foreclose your house
22:03
And this mannequin's like I don't even have a house
22:05
Do it
22:07
Talk to the union
22:09
Now mannequins, they can probably be racist though
22:13
So you can probably get them on that, right?
22:15
How many Nazi mannequins do you got at that store?
22:17
How many fingers you got?
22:19
Ten, last time I checked
22:21
We have one more than that
22:23
Is that a lot?
22:25
How many Nazis per person is too much?
22:29
I think if you're having to count them at all, I think that's fine
22:33
I'm not afraid to ask the hard questions
22:35
It seems like a story that you've made up right now
22:39
And it's not like you went around to these mannequins with a sharpie and just drew little Hitler mustaches on them
22:45
Yeah, I had an upward facing arm
22:49
No, I would never do that
22:51
A lot of high fives in the store
22:53
Kids love it
22:55
People walk in and look up at the scene like what are they pointing at?
22:57
Like ah, I'm not pointing
22:59
Which does bring me to a question
23:01
When you say the kids, do you put the full size new mannequins in the kids department?
23:05
Yeah, 100%
23:07
Little tiny little clothes on them
23:09
It doesn't look great, but we have kind of like a status quo
23:14
In that store
23:16
And we gotta keep the status quo
23:18
And that's human sized mannequins
23:20
Anywhere
23:22
Be consistent
23:24
Well, shout out to anybody out there
23:26
Don't lightly hurt Evan's feelings
23:28
Because he will burn your house down and enslave you
23:32
I guarantee you, you have no idea where this is gonna go
23:36
Probably avoid your local Dillards
23:40
Not a good place
23:42
We're gonna have to get the Nazis per capita
23:44
If you see mannequins sticking your arm straight in the air
23:48
Then turn around
23:50
You don't wanna go to that cash register
23:52
They're in your cash register?
23:54
No, I'm saying whenever, like to talk to me
23:56
Okay
23:58
Are you in such need of friends?
24:00
Just these mannequins
24:02
That you just have mannequins around you?
24:04
When you hurt his feelings, are you like, you hear that guys?
24:06
Another one
24:08
Oh yeah, he looks around to the mannequins
24:10
You hear that boys?
24:12
We got another one
24:14
He meets back on the menu
24:16
A new person comes in and you say just the punchline to a joke
24:20
That never had a set up and laugh
24:22
You're like, mayonnaise?
24:24
That's my grandma
24:26
And you laugh with all your mannequin buddies
24:28
Just to make it seem like you're involved
24:30
Yeah
24:32
I'm depressed now, this is kinda sad
24:34
No, I've been to the psych ward multiple times
24:36
Yeah
24:38
Alright Perry
24:40
What do you do when somebody's
24:42
Rue to ya?
24:44
So for a long time I've worked at the local McDonald's
24:46
Just to set the scene
24:48
And obviously a lot of rude people come in
24:50
Usually about the ice cream machine
24:52
But that's neither here nor there
24:54
Just like a McDonald's employee
24:56
Just kinda brush right over that
24:58
And usually you can tell
25:00
The wily ones
25:02
And I go ahead and prepare my situation
25:04
But when they start getting riled up
25:06
I lower the lights as I lower behind the counter
25:10
And then as I rise back up
25:12
I've changed into Vin Diesel
25:14
From Chronicles of Riddick
25:16
And I proceed to act out the entire Chronicles of Riddick
25:22
And I then proceed to act out every second of that movie
25:26
And the preceding movie Riddick
25:28
In all of its depths and nuance and emotions
25:33
Now is there a reason that you've picked this movie specifically to do?
25:37
Well if you don't know it's one of the biggest busts of the box office
25:41
But I personally think it's the best movie to ever be produced
25:44
I have six tattoos on my body
25:46
Related to it
25:48
Have you seen Prison Break?
25:50
The show?
25:51
The show Prison Break yes
25:53
My body's like that but it's just Chronicles of Riddick plot
25:55
Is it quotes? Like just words?
25:57
Yeah it's a script
25:59
Now one of these tattoos are in an invisible portion of a clothed body
26:03
So where are these tattoos?
26:05
If you were to strip naked right now
26:07
And I'm gonna ask you to but I mean if you did
26:09
Where would they be on your body?
26:11
So opening scene where they crash land on the planet
26:16
Cheek one, cheek left, left cheek
26:18
Cheek one
26:20
Like stage left?
26:22
Yeah yeah yeah
26:24
Butt cheek
26:26
Obviously the preceding middle of the movie is on cheek two
26:30
AKA right cheek
26:32
And then the conclusion to the dramatic beautiful movie is on the front of my right thigh
26:39
Basically if you were stripped naked would it look like you're wearing clothes because your whole body is covered in Riddick content?
26:47
Well why don't you just strip down and you go ahead and decide
26:50
Well go ahead, you look like the Rosetta Stone
26:53
That's what it's been for
26:56
I mean there's so many words, it's written so small
27:00
It's not the first time somebody's pulled out a magnifying glass to look at your naked body is it?
27:04
Well size doesn't matter, I keep telling Evan that but he doesn't listen
27:08
It never helps
27:10
So back to the McDonald's thing, do you play every character in these movies or are you just Vin Diesel from these movies?
27:15
And maybe you're just saying their lines to an empty side on the other side of the window
27:21
I think that would be a little crazy
27:23
Okay yeah
27:25
Get realistic
27:27
I play Vin Diesel, I have his glasses on
27:30
And then when I'm not playing Vin Diesel I take the whole thing off and do all the other scripts and then put it back on for Vin Diesel
27:37
You're committed that's for sure
27:39
The runtime is about five hours
27:42
So what's keeping the people here? What's keeping the people at the window?
27:48
Locks
27:50
Like bike locks?
27:52
No we don't do that at the drive through
27:54
Where do you do it then?
27:56
When they come up to order at the counter
27:58
Oh so the inside, I got you okay
28:00
You can imagine there's a trigger switch under the counter
28:02
When I walk in I can tell the Wiley ones and I just go ahead and hit that
28:06
And even if somebody else is locked in that's for the better that they get to watch as well
28:10
And don't you also keep them there by throwing locks at them?
28:14
We have pictures of John Locke and I throw it at their face
28:18
So they're watching a TV show Lost?
28:20
Yes
28:22
I'll just give some context there
28:24
So I imagine they're mean to you
28:26
What would set you off? What would they have to do to be rude enough to you for this to happen?
28:30
Eye contact
28:32
Number one
28:34
He's got a hair trigger
28:36
It's like a wild animal, he's like don't make eye contact with this pit bull
28:38
Let's not make eye contact with Barry
28:40
Or we'll be locked here for five hours
28:42
Watching a busted movie
28:46
Watching a man reenact a busted movie
28:50
But not in order
28:52
The characters are happening all over the narrative
28:54
So I imagine you make eye contact
28:56
I imagine you squeal
28:58
I don't know, you drop down behind the counter
29:02
No I don't squeal, I just go
29:04
Always
29:06
It's like the beginning of a Shania Twain song
29:10
Smoke, you have smoke machines coming out both sides of you
29:14
It sounds like you were calling in a gang
29:16
But you were the gang
29:18
You were all members of the gang
29:20
I'm sure the other employees at this McDonald's are like god dang it
29:24
Not again
29:26
What was the doo-wop gang from Perry's other episode?
29:28
The ne'er-doo-wellers
29:30
So I imagine you do all this
29:34
I enjoy the showmanship that comes with this
29:36
You shave your head down there
29:38
They see you go down, mites go low
29:40
And all of a sudden they hear the buzz
29:42
Buzz
29:44
Yeah, it looks like my hair grows out very quickly
29:48
Because this happens every day
29:50
And I have to start with a head of hair
29:52
And then come back without a head of hair
29:54
Oh man
29:56
And if you haven't seen it
29:58
There's certain creatures throughout the movie
30:00
That's on the planet, certain aliens
30:02
That's just the fry cooks
30:04
That have outfits
30:06
So you'll hear them like
30:08
Like I said, it's way better than cooking fries
30:10
Do you pay them?
30:12
How do you get them to do it?
30:14
No
30:16
You're just a persuasive guy
30:18
They get paid in getting to watch it
30:20
Oh, okay
30:22
We're saying McDonald's, you're not made of money
30:24
They're also working with us, their standards aren't high either
30:26
Vin Diesel, he's well known for treating people like family
30:30
In his other popular movie series, Fast and the Furious
30:34
Do you also treat your coworkers a lot like family?
30:36
Yeah
30:38
It's also sponsored by Corona
30:40
And wife feeders
30:42
Instead of driving hot rods
30:44
We drive around little
30:46
The green machines that you spin out on
30:48
Yeah, we've had the green machines before
30:50
We've equipped some NOS in the back
30:52
Oh my god, just spinning
30:54
You would not believe how unsteady those are
30:56
When you start going 50 miles an hour
30:58
The G-forces, you don't even need a buzzer
31:00
To shave off your head because the G-forces alone
31:02
Would just pull all your hair out
31:04
So when we get done I just snap again
31:06
And you just go off completely
31:08
And then you hear us peeling out of the parking lot
31:10
And you just leave the McDonald's?
31:12
Yeah, we don't work very much
31:14
Oh my gosh
31:16
Well, that's amazing
31:18
But there you go, for everybody that needs
31:20
Advice or a blueprint
31:22
To handle people that are rude to you
31:24
Do what we do
31:26
Conflict navigation does not have to be difficult
31:28
It doesn't
31:30
If you just follow these easy steps
31:32
We're the peacemakers
31:34
We're the people that will hear bays
31:36
You've been kidnapped by four men, naturally
31:38
One hour later your kidnappers dump you on the street
31:40
Because you won't stop talking about
31:42
What?
31:44
If I were to be kidnapped by four of the near dwellers
31:46
If they were to stop by
31:48
And think, hey that guy looks like he
31:50
Needs to be kidnapped
31:52
Easy pickings
31:54
Right over there on the street
31:56
And I needed a way to get dropped off quick
31:58
I've got stuff going on in an hour
32:00
NCIS is coming on, I've got to make sure I'm back home for that
32:02
You just had an hour to kill so you decided to get kidnapped?
32:04
Yeah, yeah
32:06
And you're usually like an hour away from going to sleep at any given time
32:08
You're very correct on that one
32:10
Geriatric bedtime
32:12
Is never far away
32:14
But what I would start doing is
32:16
I would start telling them
32:18
Just what animals I thought were male and female
32:20
Because
32:22
Everybody knows
32:24
That all dogs are males
32:26
And all cats are females
32:28
I mean that's been scientifically proven
32:30
But what about the rest of those animals?
32:32
Well I would love to take you through a list of animals
32:34
And maybe you give us your thoughts on it
32:36
I'd love to
32:38
As long as it doesn't last longer than an hour
32:42
What about an otter?
32:44
Otter? Female
32:46
Now do you have reasons and logic behind these?
32:48
Yeah
32:50
So otter is female because
32:52
Females can swim
32:54
Wait, all fish are female?
32:56
Yes
32:58
All fish are female
33:00
What about birds?
33:02
Birds are male not because they can fly
33:04
But because they have talents
33:06
Talents or talons?
33:08
Well they have both
33:10
I thought because we look up at them
33:12
We look up to them
33:14
They do have a lot of talents
33:16
Those are the hollow bones
33:20
What about a sloth?
33:22
What's a sloth?
33:24
Sloth? That's kind of a tough one
33:26
It's hard to tell
33:28
You gotta watch them go into a bathroom
33:30
Figure it out
33:32
I would say sloth is a woman
33:34
Because they kind of just lay around
33:36
Women heavy podcast
33:40
But we support them
33:42
Now we didn't exactly
33:44
Answer the questions on why women hate the podcast
33:46
And I think we just gave them an answer
33:48
What about a koala?
33:50
Koalas have chlamydia
33:52
So they're
33:54
Probably male
33:56
Capybara?
33:58
Do we have an opinion on capybara?
34:00
Capybara, a fantastic animal
34:02
I'm going to say male because I like them
34:04
And they're the largest rat
34:06
They're the largest rodent
34:08
Have you guys ever seen a capybara run underwater?
34:10
Those are very fun videos
34:12
What about
34:14
What about raccoon?
34:16
I'd say female though
34:18
I'll put my opinion in here
34:20
I'd say female because they wear makeup
34:22
Like a sticky finger
34:24
Where'd my drooling go?
34:26
I was thinking because they look like a bandit
34:28
And women steal things a lot
34:34
Like our hearts
34:36
This is an anti-man podcast
34:38
That's right
34:40
We're feminists if anything
34:42
What about a komodo dragon?
34:44
They feel kind of slimy on the skin
34:46
Oh my gosh
34:48
Just like a woman
34:52
Let's just
34:54
Switch this up and say how many animals are women
34:56
And why?
34:58
It'd be easier to start with the worst animals
35:00
Those are all women
35:02
So I bet
35:04
You do get dropped off
35:06
Relatively quickly
35:08
See how quick this conversation came to a halt
35:10
You can really only go on for so long
35:12
Before that gets old
35:14
Before that gets old
35:16
And I doubt the kidnappers are also
35:18
Reciprocating any kind of conversation
35:20
So it's just you
35:22
Listing off animals
35:24
The only problem is
35:26
Maybe if they don't like my choices
35:28
Oh yeah you don't want them to disagree with you
35:30
Because then they won't get involved
35:32
Then they might not drop me off
35:34
There might be some physical violence
35:36
Maybe
35:38
I don't know
35:40
So you try to look at the kidnappers and see what they would think
35:42
I try to profile them
35:44
Yeah I try to profile them
35:46
If I see my kidnappers
35:48
Look like a softball team
35:50
I'm not going to say anything bad
35:52
I'm not going to say
35:54
Any negative animals
35:56
That could be portrayed negatively towards women
35:58
Yeah
36:00
Are you getting kidnapped by a softball team?
36:02
I don't know what they're doing
36:04
What do you do at softball games?
36:06
What do you do at softball games?
36:08
You know where softball players are found
36:10
I'm wondering why softball players are on my street
36:12
That's why I get kidnapped
36:14
Every time I see a softball player
36:16
He turns into some old man
36:18
Get off my lawn type old guy
36:20
I want to leave you on the street right now
36:22
After having that conversation
36:24
Thank you
36:26
What are you all talking about to get dropped off an hour later
36:28
After getting kidnapped?
36:30
My wife has constantly told me
36:32
Or just people in general
36:34
Humans around the world
36:36
I say and do certain things that are just really annoying
36:38
So for example
36:40
I just take a phone call when they're talking to me
36:42
I won't tell them I'm getting kidnapped
36:44
I won't tell them I'm getting kidnapped
36:46
To be rude
36:48
I start taking my order to a restaurant
36:50
I'm going to say can I get a
36:52
And then forget what I was going to order
36:54
Do you pass a TV
36:56
And in mid conversation just stop and start watching the TV
36:58
Yeah
37:00
When they take me
37:02
I'll be like
37:04
Man I'm going to be so busy when I get back
37:06
I've got so much stuff to do
37:08
I'm going to get away from it
37:10
I'm going to sniff really loudly instead of blowing my nose
37:12
Good good
37:14
To start off my sentence was like no offense but
37:16
Or like
37:18
Like yeah
37:20
Do you get to the end of a beverage
37:22
And just keep sipping on the last little bit
37:24
Of liquid so it's just the slurp noise
37:26
Really wearing that straw out
37:28
I'm going to tell them I have a secret
37:30
And then say ah never mind
37:34
Start off telling a joke and then you're like
37:36
Never mind you wouldn't get it
37:38
Go over your head
37:40
Do you say oh we should do this again
37:42
Sometime but they know you don't mean it
37:44
Exactly
37:46
Oh I can't do it that day
37:48
You just like keep canceling
37:50
Do you like keep asking them to change the temperature in the
37:52
Car like oh now I'm a little too cold
37:54
Can you turn the heat up
37:56
A little bit
37:58
Try to get everybody else on your side like aren't you guys
38:00
Cold like I saw you shivering
38:02
Maybe you try to one up
38:04
On everything they say like you're the third
38:06
Person I've kidnapped this week and you're like
38:08
I've kidnapped five people so
38:10
This is only your third
38:12
Or like you've always got a video to show them
38:14
Yeah and you want to
38:16
Watch them react
38:18
I don't watch the video I watch them
38:20
And if they don't give you
38:22
The reaction you rewind it so they have to
38:24
Watch it again
38:26
Explain it to them
38:28
When they start talking about their favorite movies do you
38:30
Tell them the book was better
38:34
Everyone appreciates that
38:36
And it makes you seem a little pretentious too
38:38
So yeah that's pretty good
38:40
I'll have to say I'm going to be really annoying
38:42
By just being myself
38:44
Just be the worst person possible
38:46
That's really good
38:48
Alright Evan
38:50
What's your
38:52
If I was kidnapped and they were to release me an hour later
38:54
It would be because I immediately and quickly
38:56
Gave in to Stockholm Syndrome
38:58
Just leaned into it
39:00
Completely got on their side of things
39:02
And was like hey we should go kidnap somebody else
39:04
This is great
39:06
Like you guys are doing a great job
39:08
You become a yes man basically
39:10
Yeah absolutely
39:12
Anything they ask of me I give it to them
39:14
And I really just enabled them
39:16
They're like give me a thousand dollars right now when we're releasing
39:18
You're like how about two thousand
39:20
This is a great idea
39:22
You know how you could do this better is you just
39:24
Kind of tweak their process a little bit
39:26
And they don't like that part
39:28
He's like what Perry's strategy over there was
39:30
No just like
39:32
Completely getting on their side
39:34
They just can't stand the yes man mentality
39:36
Do you take a side
39:38
So maybe there's multiple kidnappers
39:40
Do you lean heavily
39:42
To one and rather than the other
39:44
Or do you play both sides
39:46
No I try to mediate I try to bring them closer together
39:48
Almost like a psychiatrist
39:50
Do you understand what Dan's feeling right now
39:52
How did that make you feel
39:54
Dan do you see what he's trying to communicate to you
39:56
Exactly yeah
39:58
Now tell him you're sorry
40:00
Give him a little kiss on the cheek
40:02
And you'll go a long way in this business
40:04
So do they drop you off because they find that annoying
40:06
Or they just don't need a fifth person in there
40:08
Or maybe you've resolved their issues
40:10
Yeah I think they just felt like I was becoming
40:12
Too close
40:14
Like I really wanted to be a part of the thing
40:16
Like you ask them like what are we doing next week
40:18
Yeah no yeah I keep trying to like make plans
40:20
And like you know
40:22
I keep trying to like make plans
40:24
Hey uh I got a van back at the house
40:28
If we need like a new van like another van
40:30
Like I have the Big Bang recorded on TiVo right now
40:32
They're like TiVo
40:34
2008
40:36
I keep just trying to like
40:38
Find things for them to do
40:40
And proposing new strategies for thievery
40:44
Is it always thievery
40:46
Or do you think you would ever try and get them into anything else
40:48
I try to turn them straight sometimes
40:50
Just to do like
40:52
They're gay? They're gay?
40:54
Quick on the draw there
40:56
Yeah but more in the way that
40:58
They do some community service sometimes
41:00
Give back to the community
41:02
Because they take so much that they need to give back
41:04
Is it gay to give to the community?
41:06
You did kind of skip over that answer
41:10
It's gay to thieve but it's straight to volunteer
41:16
You've heard it here first
41:18
I don't know if anybody's made that connection
41:20
If you're a thief you're gay
41:24
Is that what you're employing
41:26
When somebody breaks into your house and be like
41:28
Silly things is gay
41:30
And they're like ah I gotta get out of here
41:32
They pull up into my bedroom almost like
41:34
Come on this is so gay of you
41:36
And they're like no you're right
41:38
And they just kind of like run out
41:40
Because they're embarrassed
41:42
Tragedy is great
41:44
But yeah the yes men metal it's a good way
41:46
Like yours I think I took a similar path
41:48
Of being very nice to them
41:50
I'm taking the path of the
41:52
Where's my hug guy
41:54
So you're a nice guy
41:56
Yeah I'm a nice guy so I'm gonna get in there
41:58
Maybe they shackled me maybe they didn't
42:00
But I'll come up behind the driver maybe give them a little
42:02
Shoulder rub
42:04
Whisper in his ear
42:06
Whisper in his ear very closely
42:08
Rub his back you thieve a lot
42:12
You come here often?
42:14
I compliment them
42:16
Like those black sweatpants
42:18
You have on is really
42:20
Really making your butt look good there Dave
42:22
He told me his name I don't know
42:24
Getting real personal with you
42:26
Yeah I'm making names
42:28
I got a name
42:30
There's a kidnapper in the back
42:32
Sitting on one side of the bed and I
42:34
Scoot a little bit closer to him
42:36
You know shimmy up to him a little bit
42:38
What do you do as soon as they like turn away
42:40
Your advances? Oh I continue
42:42
Aggressively the more you
42:44
The more you turn me away the more aggressive
42:46
I'm gonna get You aggressively
42:48
Pursue them? Oh I aggressively
42:50
Pursue them I don't believe no's not
42:52
In my vocabulary
42:54
When you say no to me
42:56
I hear try harder
42:58
No I just expected
43:00
Like you reach a certain point of
43:02
Of them rejecting you that
43:04
You kinda just feel defeated and
43:06
You know you resort to the nice guys
43:08
Always finish last
43:10
I do start feeling sorry for myself
43:12
I sit in the back and listen
43:14
To some early 2000s emo
43:16
Music maybe my chemical romance
43:18
Talk about how everybody's dating somebody except for you
43:20
Yeah just the nice guys finish
43:22
Last the chads get all
43:24
The
43:26
Kidnappers like
43:28
You know like are y'all sure
43:30
Y'all didn't want to kidnap somebody with a square
43:32
Jaw maybe a six pack
43:34
You know I
43:36
Take off my fedor and cover my face
43:38
And don't let them see me cry they hear the sniffling
43:40
But
43:42
You know
43:44
I have dignity left
43:46
Thieves only want bad boys
43:50
Bust out the
43:52
Drawing notepad that you've
43:54
Carried around
43:56
Drawings of like werewolves
43:58
Cause that's you know
44:00
Drawing is where you feel at home
44:02
It connects me
44:04
But I think besides
44:06
The whole nice guy mentality
44:08
I think they're gonna feel so bad for me back there
44:10
Just kinda crying and maybe they'll try to talk to me
44:12
I'm like it's whatever
44:14
You know
44:16
They don't understand
44:18
Y'all just don't understand me
44:20
I would treat you so much better
44:22
Than other people that you kidnapped
44:24
Be so much better victim
44:26
Yeah I would be so and y'all just don't want me
44:28
And
44:30
Before long they're like we gotta get this guy out of here
44:32
By the third or fourth shoulder rub
44:34
They're just like I'm relaxed but
44:36
This is weird
44:38
I bet you don't even really get to the second part very often
44:40
What was the second part?
44:42
I don't really have it listed out
44:44
Yeah you probably don't get to that stage very
44:46
Very often
44:48
No I don't
44:50
They usually kick me out when I start inching over to them
44:52
They're like we don't want this guy
44:54
Cause it's aggressive they're like we do not want to take this back
44:56
You do the stretch where you stretch
44:58
And put your arm around him
45:00
Yeah
45:02
Yeah I do
45:04
It's weird they didn't shackle me or tie my hands
45:06
But I take full
45:08
I take full advantage of my freedom
45:10
They probably did when you got in but you just like
45:12
You know got out of them
45:14
Real quick and then revealed your hand
45:16
Here's the cool thing
45:18
About being shackled or
45:20
You know handcuffed is it's an optimal
45:22
Position for a hug
45:24
Cause you just your both your wrists are
45:26
Shackled together you can just reach your hand
45:28
Around somebody maybe the driver
45:30
You hug both the seat and the driver
45:32
But yeah I get kicked out
45:34
Pretty quickly
45:36
Seems like a real call an ambulance but not for me situation
45:42
Oh man for people that might
45:44
Get kidnapped plan to get kidnapped in the future
45:46
Don't even worry do what we do
45:48
Have this episode queued up
45:50
Anytime you go somewhere
45:52
And you know something we do often on this podcast
45:54
Here is we'll stamp that
45:56
We'll give that the QD guarantee
45:58
The QD guarantee
46:00
If you ever get kidnapped
46:02
And you're in that van for more than an hour
46:04
Call us we'll wheel that
46:06
Stamp outside yeah because
46:08
There's no way you could
46:10
Take us to court over that there's no
46:12
Way that you'll ever be in a van
46:14
Longer than one hour we need that
46:16
Fast talking legal voice
46:18
At the end of a commercial just to make sure
46:20
Evan House does not
46:22
Represent the questionable door of our podcast
46:24
The QD guarantee is completely fictional
46:28
This does not stand for real legal advice
46:30
But yeah so women
46:32
Don't be afraid to go out at night
46:34
Take a jog middle of the night through some
46:36
Woods through the rough part of town
46:38
Don't tell anybody where you are
46:40
You know because tell me where you're at
46:44
Men can do this too I guess
46:46
But basically you have the tools
46:48
Necessary to get out of any
46:50
Kidnapping but anyway
46:52
I have a Craigslist
46:54
Craigslist has got what you need
46:56
But sometimes Craigslist needs what you got
46:58
So for the Craigslist today
47:00
I want to pre-curse with I believe that
47:02
Counseling is good I think that if you have a mental
47:04
Health issue go get
47:06
Psychiatric help you know
47:08
Just like you work out your body
47:10
Work out your mind the thing you
47:12
Shouldn't do is seek out counseling on
47:14
Craigslist so the
47:16
Post the post reads like this
47:18
Couple counselor couple counselor available
47:20
For people struggling with a boring relationship
47:22
And looking to make a change and
47:24
Save your relationship and try new
47:26
Things together I'm a male counselor
47:28
Open the talk and help with
47:30
Anything 24 hours
47:32
Do they count as a run on sentence?
47:34
Yeah not a lot of punctuation there
47:37
I assume he can't counsel you on
47:39
English and how to write yeah
47:41
There's no punctuation in that at all
47:43
So what do you all think about that boys do you all think this is a trustworthy
47:45
Thing do you think you should seek
47:47
Counseling a relationship
47:49
Counseling on Craigslist I don't see why not
47:51
Okay yeah I think this guy put himself
47:53
Out there I mean they say anything you see on the internet is probably legit
47:57
Yeah also 24 hours
48:01
Anytime this guy he did not list a price he didn't list his credentials
48:06
He just said that's what he is and he's available
48:09
24 hours that's dedication to the
48:12
Seems like too many hours it's too many hours
48:14
I initially reply to this post with
48:17
Helly there I need help with my relationship
48:20
He responds well hello my name is Thomas and I would love to help
48:24
Please tell me about yourself and your relationship
48:27
Off to a good start I reply Thomas thank you for getting back to me so quickly
48:31
My name is Zygbert Boonglimmer
48:34
I am 56 my wife is Juniper Boonglimmer
48:38
And she's 50 we have been together for 60 years
48:41
I would not recommend doing the math on that
48:46
About me I, Zygbert, enjoy bird watching
48:50
So that I can take on the spirit of the bird so I can become more bird like
48:55
Birds are the superior species and I believe our goal
48:58
As a subpar species is to become more like our bird overlords
49:02
I also enjoy trains but not like most
49:05
I enjoy running out in front of them and stopping them
49:08
It makes me feel powerful to see the fear in the train conductors eyes
49:12
As they think they're about to take a life
49:15
I do not enjoy sock puppets and I will become aggressively angry
49:19
At the sight of a person pretending a socks can talk
49:23
Socks cannot talk and do not try and convince me otherwise
49:27
My wife person Juniper likes to collect cricket chirps
49:31
By hiding in bushes and imitating them
49:34
She will then come home and give me a run down of all the chirps she heard
49:37
The process will take anywhere between 5 minutes to 6 hours
49:41
Depending on the amount of crickets that were about that day
49:44
Juniper also enjoys coffee
49:46
She likes to be given to her like a penguin feeds their young
49:49
I am happy to oblige this but my mouth no longer has feeling
49:52
As the coffee is hot and has burned off all my taste buds and feeling in my mouth
49:56
Juniper also loves trying to convince me that sock puppets can talk
50:01
And I know they can
50:02
Sometimes she's very convincing and I will think I made a new friend
50:05
But then she takes off the sock puppet
50:07
It's just her dumb three fingered hand
50:09
Do you know what it's like to think you made a new friend?
50:12
And that friend just turns out to be your gimp wife's hand?
50:15
Laughter
50:20
She only had three fingers
50:22
Can't trust a wife person
50:24
Can't trust a wife person
50:25
He does need the counseling
50:27
Laughter
50:29
I feel like his wife Juniper is trying to pull a fast one on him
50:32
She knows he doesn't like the puppets but gets the gimp hand out there to mess with him every time
50:37
He responds
50:38
Oh well you seem like very interesting people I am happy to help
50:41
Please tell me more about the issues you are facing
50:44
Well other than the fact that Juniper tries to convince me that socks can talk
50:48
And I know they can't don't try to convince me otherwise
50:51
She will often tape herself to the ceiling right above our bed and pretend she's my guardian angel
50:56
Laughter
50:58
I do not have an issue with this in and of itself
51:01
But my issue is that the ceiling fan is on the ceiling
51:04
And it will smack her in the head the whole time she's up there
51:07
Every time the fan blade hits her she will let out a painful moan
51:10
And it will keep me up for hours
51:12
And the only time I get any sleep is when the fan finally knocks her out
51:16
Laughter
51:20
The second thing she will try to surprise adopt babies so that we can open a petting zoo
51:25
But instead of barn animals people will pet babies
51:28
Do not try to take our business idea
51:30
Again I do not have an issue with this idea and I support her
51:34
But because of the nature of the business we have collected large amounts of baby powder
51:39
And she will now let me eat some of it
51:41
What's it all for if not to eat?
51:43
Third thing she will throw up in front of me and expect me to congratulate her
51:47
Laughter
51:50
I was able to do this for the first years of our marriage
51:53
But now my patience is running thin and I do not want to congratulate her every time she throws up
51:57
It's gross and she only does it to get my attention
52:00
Laughter
52:02
He says ah well there's a lot to unpack here
52:04
This seems a little out there but I will give you the benefit of the doubt that these things are real
52:08
Anyway I like to ask somebody in your situation what you do to get under her skin
52:12
This will help you be more empathetic and you will be able to walk a mile in her shoes
52:16
I respond thank you for your help it means a lot to me
52:18
And also it means a lot that you haven't tried to convince me that socks can talk
52:22
Juniper said if I reached out to you you would try to convince me that socks can talk and I know they can't
52:27
Do not try to convince me
52:28
But if I could summarize what I do to annoy her
52:31
I only speak in past tense and this annoys her because when I do this she believes that I am no longer in the present
52:37
And she believes I'm a ghost speaking about past me
52:39
Second thing I will try and swim in every body of water that I see
52:43
Whether it be a lake or a fountain in the mall
52:46
And I will make dolphin noises
52:48
She does not like this because I end up wet and it will get her wet when she gives me piggy back rides when my leggies get tired
52:55
Three I hit her
52:56
Laughter
52:59
You got dolls in my hand?
53:01
He responds um okay a lot to unpack here
53:04
I'm just trying to get a picture of your relationship
53:06
I find that your sex life with each other gives a picture on the health of your relationship
53:10
So please tell me about your sex in great detail
53:13
This will help me great
53:14
Laughter
53:18
Thomas
53:19
Wait
53:20
You dirty dog
53:22
In great detail
53:24
I respond sex life more like sex death
53:28
Laughter
53:29
We both pretend to be dead
53:30
Laughter
53:32
We lie there in various parts of our house with our eyes open with a blank stare
53:36
It's very erotic
53:38
One time we did it for so long that our neighbors called a wellness check on us
53:42
When the cops came to check up on us they thought we were both dead and called the morgue
53:46
Very sexy right
53:48
He responds okay well everyone has their own kinks but I want to hear about the actual sex
53:53
Tell me in detail about the positions and feelings
53:57
So do y'all get the feeling that he's not actually a counselor and just once
54:02
This is not above board
54:03
Hold on
54:04
What do y'all think about the direction he's trying to take this
54:07
Turns out craigslist counselor is just another craigslist
54:10
Just a creep
54:11
Who would have seen that coming though
54:12
Laughter
54:14
I respond okay well sometimes we will take out guns and just start popping off shots at each other
54:19
Obviously we don't try to hit each other but the sound of those bullets flying over our head really gets us going
54:25
Now to be fully transparent a couple of cats have been shot
54:28
But really the ends justify the means and we keep track of how many cats we have shot
54:32
I have 13 she has about seven
54:34
I hold this overhead constantly
54:36
And by that I mean I hold the dead cats over her head
54:39
My arms get very tired and the owners of the cats get very sad when they see
54:43
They usually call the police
54:45
When the police arrive we both play dumb
54:47
And by play dumb I mean we get the local mentally handicapped kid play a game with him
54:52
Where we make him guess which playing card is in our hand
54:55
If he gets it wrong we dance around him and slap him with Twizzlers
54:58
We call this game which card retard
55:01
Laughter
55:03
No
55:04
He responds to that
55:07
So are you going to tell me about your sex life
55:09
It is very important that you tell me the details
55:11
If you do not this conversation will be over
55:14
I have told you the details about our sex life
55:16
We play dead and shoot at each other
55:18
It's very sexy
55:20
And then his final thing and where I left it was
55:22
F you
55:24
You stupid cunt
55:26
Laughter
55:28
I did not see that going in that direction
55:30
You had higher hopes for him
55:32
You know it
55:34
I didn't expect a ton from a Craigslist counselor
55:38
But I didn't expect it to go in a very overtly pervy way
55:42
Laughter
55:44
He's like the number one thing you should expect
55:46
Yeah you should expect anything else from Craigslist
55:49
I think he would have had his hands full even if he was a real counselor
55:52
Yeah think old Zygbert and Juniper
55:55
A lot of issues
55:56
I'm going to work through there
55:58
You know in their 60 years of marriage
56:00
56 and 50 respectively
56:02
Years of life
56:03
There's a lot of wisdom in those years
56:05
And it's hard between two older people
56:07
A lot of habits you're going to have to break
56:09
A lot of habits to break
56:11
Barriers to bust down there
56:13
So that's just a little bit of wisdom for everyone
56:16
Don't get old
56:18
How do you go about not getting old?
56:20
Is there ways to say youthful?
56:22
Yes you drink from the fountain of youth
56:24
You find it buried in Africa
56:26
Laughter
56:28
But again if you need counseling
56:30
Which I fully support if you need it
56:32
Go get it
56:33
Don't do it on Craigslist
56:35
Or do
56:36
Can't stop you
56:38
I wouldn't reach out to Thomas though
56:40
I think he's just trying to help
56:42
Sounds like we didn't want to
56:44
He helped
56:46
The people that want to be helped
56:48
You can bring them water but you can't make them drink
56:50
Laughter
56:52
Thomas is out there trying his best
56:54
Yeah
56:56
He's trying to save the world one couple at a time
56:58
He didn't offer a price
57:00
At least it's free
57:02
I don't think you can charge for what he's doing
57:04
Yeah I think you really get what you pay for
57:06
As far as counselors and psychiatrists go
57:08
Anyway boys
57:10
Any last thoughts?
57:12
Any closing statements?
57:14
Yeah fruit snacks are good
57:16
Perry brought fruit snacks
57:18
Perry brought fruit snacks to the studio for us
57:20
If you hear my voice on the street
57:22
Don't talk to me
57:24
Laughter
57:26
I'm not approachable
57:28
But no he probably has fruit snacks
57:30
If you were a guest on our program
57:32
And I know we've got probably some potential guests
57:34
Out there listening
57:36
Maybe a former guest that's probably going to be on soon
57:38
Listening
57:40
Bring a snack seriously
57:42
What are we going to do?
57:44
Treat us like a king in a new kingdom and bring us gifts
57:46
And we will like that
57:48
We like gifts, we think highly of ourselves
57:50
I don't think we let them know that enough
57:52
We do think highly of ourselves
57:54
We're better than y'all
57:56
Shout out to vitamin water too
57:58
Maybe we can get a sponsor
58:00
Once Perry's contract runs out
58:02
It's never running out
58:04
Seems like he might be a lifer though
58:06
High standards to be sponsors of that brand
58:08
That's right
58:10
I hate it
58:12
Tastes like medicine
58:14
They give me monies
58:16
But um
58:18
Anyway, have a hypothetical
58:20
Need some advice? Questionable detour podcast
58:22
At gmail.com
58:24
We have multiple people already doing it
58:26
So be a follower
58:28
Be a sheep
58:30
Give us things to answer
58:32
We have so much potential
58:34
I know we just called you sheep
58:36
But we do want names to call you people
58:38
Talk bad about Evan
58:40
Let's break his spirit
58:42
Send us your best Evan fanfic
58:44
What do you guys think he's doing?
58:46
Got a big old head on him
58:48
Come with artistic renderings
58:50
That's only gonna hide my insecurities
58:52
But anyway, you wanna be done?
58:54
But anyway, you wanna be done?
58:56
But anyway, you wanna be done?
58:58
But anyway, you wanna be done?
59:00
But anyway, you wanna be done?
59:02
But anyway, you wanna be done?
59:04
But anyway, you wanna be done?
59:06
Expect the detour