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Red Flags · To All the Men I've Tolerated Before

• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Hey tolerators, listens to all the men I've tolerated before
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: with Nadley Katona, your weekly look at everyday misogyny. This week,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: we're going to be having some fun with new guests
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Brianna mccab Brianna is the author of the book The
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Red Flags I've Repeatedly Ignored, and the book is a
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: candid look at her dating past and more importantly, dating mistakes,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: so relatable, kind of what the podcast started to be
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: all about. And we're going to be talking with her
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: today about why we ignore red flags. So, Hi, thanks
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: for being here.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much, thanks for having me. Like I said,
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: I've been looking forward to this all week, all month, actually,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: so thank you.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that means so much to me. We
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: became instant friends on the pre call. I've also been
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: so excited. This is the best break from moving you
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: could ever have.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm honored, so thank you.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: So since you're new, go ahead and give the audience
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: a little getting to know you synopsis about you.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So yeah, I'm Brianna, but I love being called Brie.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I'm a chure was a girl born and raised. I'm thirty,
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: so I work in marketing. I'm a professor, I do
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: that part time, and then I'm an author. So I
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: wrote this book the red flags I've repeatedly ignored, and
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: essentially what it boils down to is I'm a very
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: career oriented, very driven woman, and I make a lot
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: of rational decisions right when it comes to my professional
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: life and accolades. But there was this really stark contrast
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: when it came to the decisions I was making in
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: terms of the men that I was choosing to date,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: and I couldn't quite understand it and each relationship. This
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: book follows my journey of my late teens to my
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: late twenties, so standing nearly a decade of just how
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: my relationships got progressively more chaotic, more unhealthy, more toxic
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: without being cliche, and just unhealthy really when it came
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: to what I was willing to tolerate, so to all
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: of them that have tolerated, and I needed to take
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: a step back because I reached a point in a
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: moment in my late twenties where it was borderlines scary
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: how I was behaving, acting, the thoughts that I was having,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: the way that I was viewing myself was so low,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: and it got to a point where I had to
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: take a step back. I had to go to therapy,
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: and I had to say what is going on here?
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: Because I feel like I'm living two totally different lines,
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: right nine to five again, superrational? My five to nine irrational, chaotic,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: sporadic made absolutely no sense, but it did when I
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: started kind of digging deeper. So I wrote this book
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: to help myself heal, but then to also help others.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: So it's like it's structured almost like a memoir, but
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: it's really more of a self help book where throughout
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: all of my stories with particular X or just a
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: fling at the time, I call out red flags and
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: all of the signs that I saw, I blatantly saw them,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: and I never dismissed the fact that I didn't see them.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: But I go through what I should have done, you know,
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: what I forgive myself for, what I'll do if it
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: happens again. What is a self love lesson? And what
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: can I forgive myself for? So there's nearly three dozen
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: of those throughout the book, and then I call out
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: red flags in myself. So it's kind of this roadmap
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: to self love. I dedicated it, you know, mostly to myself.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: But then I realized there's so many other women out
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: there like me, So, in a nutshell, that's who I am,
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: and that's what the book's about.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: H I Number one, we love therapy, we love loving ourselves.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I It's amazing how often I end up either on
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: this mic or off this mic talking about how even
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: when I knew that the flag was red and blinking
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: and screaming at me, my gut reaction was just to
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: make nice. And it's like, what is it? Because I'm
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: currently frustrated because if the love is or not, the
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: love is blind, the love island reunion, because it's we've
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: gotten to this point where everything is so public, so blown,
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: so whatever that I'm like, damn, women can't do anything right.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: If she had called him a red flag, it would
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: have been like, you're being mean, you're jumping. Like things
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I've heard for myself is like you're not giving the
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: relationship a chance. You're not giving him a chance to
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: prove himself, Like, well, maybe he was having a bad day,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: maybe he was having a bad time. Have you ever
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: considered him in this at all? And it's like, how
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: often do I have to consider people who aren't considering
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: how they're treating me at all.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't really. I didn't watch Love Island because
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: there was way too many episodes for me, so many episodes,
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: but I feel like I kind of missed the social
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: mark there. But what I can say is, even Love
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: is Blind, they'll it's funny because they'll call out red flags,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: like these women in their interviews will say, oh, you
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: know ad and Love is Blind. Oh, I'll just paint
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: my nails red to match the red flag, And it's
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: almost like they're making hilarity behind it when there's serious,
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: blatant warning and danger signs ahead. But I guess for
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: the purposes of entertainment, people are really diminishing what a
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: red flag is and then almost making it seem like
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: it's okay to proceed because it makes for good television,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: which is not a good message to be sending to people.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: And I can only imagine that's in Love Islands.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: So yeah, well, in reality TV aside, one of my
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: big pain points recently is it's always on me to endure,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: which means that every real flag that is handed to
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: me or presented to me is like my mountain to overcome.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: It's like, well, if only you let go of what
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: you feel like is important, or if only you were
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: a little bit more understanding. And at no point is
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: anyone asking the delivery guy of the red flag to
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: self reflag. We've completely missed the mark on like it's
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: my responsibility to decide how I'm going to date and
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: how I'm going to be chosen, how I'm going to
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: choose to be loved until it's not going perfectly and
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I have a problem with about it, and then a
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: million women are going to tell me, like, I don't know,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: just like have more empathy for whatever could be going
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: on with him.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think this is there's a lot of factors
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: that why we see red flags but ignore them. So
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: I guess let's just like dive into it, right. So,
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: but at its core, so I feel like we need
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: to educate people. And my cat is saying, hello, hell, sorry,
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: so sweet, He's like, I need a little mom so
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: a red flag again, it's this this warning sign, and
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: it's been around for centuries. It's not a new phenomenon,
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: but it's definitely been again sensationalized I think with social
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: media in a good but also toxic way. And it's
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: it's this symbol that just something isn't right, whether that
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: means something based on your values, as your morals, your beliefs,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: just an itch really, But it's different from a deal breaker,
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: which a deal breaker should be a non ago. Once
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: you see a deal breaker, this person should not be
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: able to swim in your dating pool, like they're getting
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: kicked out. They're booted out, the lifeguard is taken them
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: out of the pool. They're no longer welcome. So it's
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: really important, and it's something that I uncovered when I
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: was writing this book that at some point I didn't
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: have any deal breakers, which was a really unhealthy situation
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: to be in. So whereas a deal breaker should be
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: you know, they're in active addiction and they're not seeking
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: any help and it's becoming very dangerous, or they have
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: out of control anger problems, or they're incredibly abusive on emotional, physical,
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: you know, mental levels, or they're just incredibly possessive or jealous,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: like you should be blaring deal breakers that you should
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: not even entertain. Yet we're also seeing these being glamorized
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: on television right and in society as a whole now
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: when it comes to red Flag. So that's something that
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: people basis need to really identify because you need to
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: know who you are first. So a red flag could
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: be or even a deal breaker. Really, you know, maybe
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: you don't want kids, and maybe you find yourself though
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: and you know this for a fact, you don't you
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: don't want kids, but you find yourself on a deep,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: deep number eight or nine with somebody who is adamant
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: about starting a family. There's a clear disconnect there. So
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: what is happening? Right? So I think a lot of
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: things go into the rationale behind why we see we
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: establish something as being a red flag that we decide
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: to move forward regardless. So one big thing that you
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: mentioned and I really like is I do feel like
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: there's this uh sense of women and people in general.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: But I will say women, I feel like they feel
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: as if they call out a red flag, maybe they're
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: crazy or they're over exaggerating, or you know, they're being
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: too sensitive or they're too emotional, and it's just why
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: are you why are you blowing this out of proportion?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: And it becomes you know, minimized to well, women are
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: just too sensitive and too emotional, and why are you
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: hyper fixating on that when there's so many other great
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: things happen, But then that also starts to diminish, Like
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: your gut instinct right, and that's telling you that this
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: doesn't feel right. But for some reason, then you start
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: to believe. And we're almost conditioned as a society as
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: women to think like, oh, well, maybe that isn't that
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: big of a deal. Maybe I am being a little
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: too critical, Maybe I am not thinking the most rationally
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: and I'm thinking more with my heart. So I think
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: that in and of itself is one principle that I
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: think a lot of women fall victim to when it
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: comes to why we start to negate when we see
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: a red flag.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Well, and I think so often we're taught that any
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: sign our brain, or our body or our heart could
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: be giving us could be false. Well, and something that
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: you brought up was that you spent some part of
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: your dating history not having deal breakers. As a fat
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: woman who had to use match dot Com and then
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: dating apps, eventually I didn't feel like I was owed
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: deal breakers. I was like, well, like, I'm already going
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: to get what I can get because I'm a plus
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: sized woman. I'm also like nerdy, I'm also funny and
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: annoying men like, just like all these cliches you hear about,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: like men like to be the funniest in the room.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Why are you opening your mouth? I was like, I'm extroverted,
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I'm too much, I'm dramatic, I'm fat, this, that and
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: the other. I'm the person who's carrying all the deal breakers.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Why I just get what I get and I don't
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: throw a fit.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Basically that's exactly how I felt, too, which is such
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: a that's so sad that we viewed ourselves as deal
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: breakers and we didn't bring any worth to the table,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: and that tolerating anything was better than nothing, regardless of it,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: that anything was completely negative in nature. That's that's sad.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry you did that too.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you did that. And also then
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: the like the bullshit of it all is I would
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: be surprised when they didn't value me at all, even
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: though I had already felt like I didn't bring any
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: value to the date or anything, and then all of
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: a sudden, I'm shocked when it's like, oh, wait a minute,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: you don't actually care about me. Where I think one
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: of the downfalls of app dating and online dating is
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: you're just in a constant rhythm of OH. I guess
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I'm getting ready for dinner. I guess I'm sitting with
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: dinner with a stranger. I guess I'm dedicating forty five
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: minutes to an hour of this, And you're just kind
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: of in the motions, and you're also like, both parties
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: are trying to make nice and not make it awkward
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: and things like that. So then my feelings were continuously
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: hurt whenever I'm like, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy my company.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Shocking, Yeah, I think. So there's this formula I came
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: up with. It's called roots. So it's the root cause
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: of why we ignore red flags. So we can go
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: into all of them if you want. But the R
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: is rom coms and other forms of entertainment. The OH
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: is obsolete self love, which you literally just nailed them ahead.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: The other one is oppression of trauma and then seize
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: the pressure of society in terms of timing. But I
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: think when you don't have I know, actually, when you
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: don't have self love and you don't have self worth,
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: you don't you don't know how to treat yourself. Therefore,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you don't you don't set the boundary or the benchmark
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: for how others should treat you. So as sad as
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: this is going to sound, I was also belied I
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: was very overweight, and I just started to internalize all
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: of the negative sentiments that people would say to me
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: at a young age, and I would start to spew
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: back to myself every day as I looked in the mirror,
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: you're fat, your boobs are uneven, no one's going to
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: love you. You know your face, you got wrinkles, you
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: got acme everything that they would tell me, I would
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: then start to tell myself daily. I became the biggest
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: bully to myself, so that when it when it came
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: from others, I was just like, I have said worse
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: to myself. It's not even that serious anymore, which is
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: kind of a sad predicament to be in. So when
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: you start to actually believe that, and yet you put
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: yourself out in the dating pool, it's almost crazy to
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: think that you're going to accept anything that's healthy, because
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: you're not even going to think you're worthy of it.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: So when you don't have self love, and it's a
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: very hard thing to come by, it takes a lot
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: of time, and it's it's going to be a forever
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: work in progress. But when you don't have that, you
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: really should not put yourself out there and start dating,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: because it's just you're setting yourself up for failure. So
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: it's that's a critical critical item.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I love. I love the formula the root of why
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: we uh, and I love that the first one is
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: rom comms because I'm a known rom because eventually I
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: was like, the stories aren't even that good and they
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: were thrilling. I'm a horror girly. I love a scary
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: for me. Oh my god. The whole thing about rom
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: coms and then the whole way that they advertise and
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: write television for young women is no matter what you
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: could be doing, if it doesn't align with what that
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: man wants or thinks that he wants, or the formula
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: that he already has in his head, that means you're
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: at fault. Like I grew up in the generation that
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I can't wait to meet
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: my Corey and be the Tapanga that I've always wanted
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: to be. Yes and then you number one. I didn't
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: even watch the Real Boy Meets World. I watch the spinoff,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Girl Meets World, and I'm like Corey Matthews needs to
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: rot in hell like literally blocks to Panga at any
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: and all goals that she could ever want for her
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: own life. Then tells her she's not pretty enough. But
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: then when she does get hot, he's like, what are
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: you doing to me? Hey? It's always about him.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I actually I never watched Boy, Oh my god.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Good for you. It didn't poison your brain. But did
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: you watch Dobson's Creek, Because that one did.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: I am the worst when it comes it's funny, like
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: I've watch My span of rom coms is like the
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: nineties movies really, but when it comes to TV shows,
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: I stick to like South Park. But but you know,
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: I can, I can indulge here and there. But I
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: totally understand what you're saying, because there is a four
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: there's absolutely there's a formula. Because it's proven to work.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: It's proven that yours are going to want to consume
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: it even more. But essentially, what they're doing is they're
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: just programming you to think at a young age, right,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: so you're watching the first time. Actually, one research article
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: showed that if you're watching any type of cartoon a
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Disney Carts when you were a kid, it wasn't until
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: the introduction of Snow White that there was a female lead.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: So until Snow White, females only existed as like a
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: counterpart or kind of like an accomplice to You have
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: the Mini to the Mickey, you had the olive oil
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: to the Popeye, but there was no real strong female leads.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: So growing up, this is becoming ingrained in your brain
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: that the female is just the accomplice to the male.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Then when you start to evolve and you know, you
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: start to kind of dabble into those rom comps or
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: just movies as a whole, it's all based on like
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: never been Kissed with Drew Bowrymore I always use this,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: but it's about this woman who you know, she was
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: the nerd, she was the dorg. She never she's never
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: been kissed, and she's vying for a male's attention. And
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: it's always this sport, this silly little formula of women
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: vying for a male's attention. And then she ends up
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: ignoring all of these red flags. I mean, she falls
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: in love with her English teacher even though she's undercover
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: and she's of age, and he's falling in love with her.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: I mean it's a mess, Like it's actually a mess
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: but I mean people eat you know, they eat it up.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: But it's the problem is that when you watch this
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: and you think it's just for shits and giggles, but
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, these messages are being
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: constantly pounded into your brain thinking that this is what's normal.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Well, because it's almost like and again, this is when
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: it stops in a round come, we never think beyond oh,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I got chosen. It was finally my turn to be chosen.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: I get to be the bride or the long term girlfriend,
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: or the lady that he's introducing to his mom. It's
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: finally me. And if we're always in this like depleted,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I'm just waiting to be chosen, Thank goodness, it's always
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: me mindset. I was probably in my upper twenties before
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I actually sat down and wrote out this is what
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I would actually like in a partner. I had never
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: considered who the other person would be or how they
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: would behave or act, because in my mind I was like, again,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: I'm not do that, Like, they just have to choose
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: me despite everything that we know about me, as if
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: you have.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: No power to do the choosing yourself, which is such
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: it's something that I think so many women particularly struggle
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: with because we just think we have to be chosen right,
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: like we need to be the bride, We need to
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: have these celebrations all you know, it's this immaculate celebration
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: of matrimony us, you know, stepping into being being the
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: missus and taking someone else's last name. And it's beautiful.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful. I'm not being a hater.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: But you have just as much power to choose who
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: is going to be your counterparts. So that gets lost.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: And that's crazy because even you saying that, never once
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: did I have a list of you know, this is
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: what I ideally want my partner, you know, to have. Every
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: time I went on a date, it was never how
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: did I feel about that person? It was more I
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: hope they liked me. I hope I said something. Do
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: you think they're going to ask me on a second date?
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Whereas what if I don't want to go on a
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: second date with that person? But here I am wondering,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: do they want to go on a date with me?
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: Why am I giving them the power?
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Well, and because you know, we just experienced rat boy Summer,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: where rat boys across the nation We're getting bombshells left
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: and right, and I was like, he has a bad
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: personality and he looks like he smells bad, and yet
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: and yet he's getting dates. And I there's this phenomenon
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: where it's like, I know that I myself settled because
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I was finally chosen. So I know that I'm settling,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: and I'm ignoring all of these red flags that probably
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: bother me that I probably call my best friend and
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: bitch about. Like I've literally called my best friend. And
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: I was like, I think I'm going to end this
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: relationship and she was like why And I was like,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I believe he's on the wrong side of history with
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: how black lives. Mad is gonna go down, Like I'm
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: telling you that my partner is a racist. And it's like, well,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: do you know that for sure? Did he? Like, like,
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: come on.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Your friend was saying that or you were.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: She was like, well, it was both because I was.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: It was the height of the pandemic. I was unemployed,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: I had nothing going on. I was guaranteed one free
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: meal a week, and I was already in a scarcity mindset.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: And I'm like talking myself because part of it is
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: too in my mind if you're a racist and a
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: homophobe and a Trump supporter and all of that, you
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: actually don't want to be anywhere near me. So I
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: feel like I have this invisible shield and then I'm
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: immediately blindsided where I'm like, what the fuck did you
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: just say? And then I have to like walk it back,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: like was that a one off where we drunk? Is
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: that how he actually feels like? It's it's crazy.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is where deal breakers are so important, and
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: they get lost kind of in the sauce when you're
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: in it. But that scarcity mindset what you said is
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: so damn real because when you think that there's no
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: one else out there, when you start to kind of
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: falsely tell yourself that this is all I'm ever going
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: to get, this is all I'm worthy of. There's no
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: one else out there. It's a scary dating I mean
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: it is. It's scary putting yourself out there and the
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: dating pool, let's call it what it is. It's kind
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: of a swamp right now. It's fine, there's some gems.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: There's some gems, but you know it's a scary. But
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: would you rather The question it boils down to is
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: why is it? Why are you so scared to be alone?
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: And not you, but even me? Why was I so
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: scared to be alone? And why was I willing to
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: settle with whatever was being thrown my way as opposed
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: to sitting with myself and being with my thoughts and
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: being in control of my life null of this person.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: That is the biggest question. I like drove this whole
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: book too, because that's scary to think you'd rather settle,
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: Well, And the last time I settled he ended up
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: speaking of I literally sat down and wrote exactly what
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I wanted, because I believe in manifestation, and I believe
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: that if you write that down that's permanent, it has
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: to come true, like it seals it. So a friend
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: was telling me about like all the duds and how
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: often she gets duped in all this, and because she
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: was a strong, confident woman, how many men date her
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: literally just to take her down a peg, like it's
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: like a game. And I was like, Oh, you should
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: write down exactly what you want, because once you write
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: it down, you know it and then you live by it. Meanwhile,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I'm dating a big fucking red flag. He's sitting right
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: next to me, and she follows up with, well, what's
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: on your list? So I start naming things or whatever,
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: and I'm not kidding you. That guy dumped me that
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: night because he's like, you want things that are so
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: impossible for me to be. And I was like, kind like,
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: I did not say billionaire, like there are different apps
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: I could be on that, but it was literally like
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: consider me, consider other people, Like.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, yeah, that's that's terrifying. What's funny?
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: He was so offended that I would have an idea
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: of what I would want out of my life and
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: be that I hadn't figured out that he wasn't it yet. However,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: every time I called him on not being it, it
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: was the same old game of I'm trying really hard.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: And I feel like the trying really hard becomes almost
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: a red flag in it of itself, because it's almost
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: like you're not allowed to dump them if they're continuously
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: telling you they're trying.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's and that's hard. That's a hard kind of
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: line to teeter on because no one is perfect. And
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: I actually have a friend right now who's in I
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: would say a relatively healthy relationship. But in all relationships,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: you go through bumps, and I think the partner lost
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: a job and the job market's a little iffy right now,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: and this person has inherently become a little lazy and
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: given up. And my friend is like, I don't know
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: when to call it quits. So I think there's going
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: to be a lot of situations that are thrown at you,
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: you know, whether or not your person. Your partner is
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: saying like, I'm trying. I'm trying, Like I think you
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: have to kind of reach your own breaking point. Give
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: somebody grace, because I think you would want grace in
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: that situation. But I do think sometimes it's hard to
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: ask somebody to change if they showed you otherwise. I
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: actually think it's not your right to ask somebody to change.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: You should probably take them at feast value. But again,
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: if there's some kind of like circumstance or experience something
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: really hard going on where your partner is kind of
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: going through it, not in your case, but you know
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: the case of my friends, I think it's like, have
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: some grace. But if you notice kind of this is
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: becoming more of a inherently who they are, then it's
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: time to really, you know, throw up the white flag
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: maybe and like walk away and then see where it
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: comes and goes. But that's that's hard. And I do
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: think if they keep saying I'm trying, at a certain
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: point you have to just sit with yourself and say,
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: but are they really, like what are they doing so
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: that they're trying? You know, what are they doing?
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Again? Because I can't ever take my own advice. When
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: my friends tell me, oh, but he's trying, I always
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: folly back with and what does that look like? And
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: then when they can't answer me, I'm like, oh, it
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: literally ends that I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard, Like
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: that's what it looks like. And I think also what
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: gets us all like tripped up in and like, well,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: who cares if he's mean to waiters? Or who cares?
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Oh no, exactly no.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: I'm like, if he can be mean to a waiter
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: that he has to interact with for possibly forty five
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: minutes sporadically, then he's going to be mean to you
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: one day, Like that's what ends up happening. But I like,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I think that we get caught up in the sunk
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: cost like fallacy where it's like I've already put in
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: a year or I've been doing this for three months
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I'm picky or I need you
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: to be acting different or things like that, and I'm
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: my friend and I talk about that all the time,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: about how like, eventually, it does not matter how long
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: you've been with a person. If it's done, it's done.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how long you've been at a job.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: If it's done, it's done. An area. I had a
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: friend recently go through a divorce and she was like,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: I've known him for twenty two years and he's been
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: my person for twenty two years. And I was like,
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: but he does I have to be your person for
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: You have to realize to take away the title of romantic,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: there's relationships that you kind of phase out of. There's
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: friends that I was best friends with in elementary school
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: all the way through high school, and then we kind
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: of just go down different paths, and it's okay to
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: embrace that person for what they are, cherish them, and
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: value them, and you can end on like a healthy note,
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: and maybe if your paths cross again, you can reconsider it.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: But just look at any type of relationship you have
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: in your life. They're not always there, they're not permanent.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: And I think that's part of the beauty of life
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: when you add on the title of romantic. And I think,
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: especially as a female, this is going to the tea
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: of the pressure of society and timing. You know, there's
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: that pressure that again you need to get married, and
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: the average age is like twenty for women to get married,
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: I believe. And then you know, the average cost of
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: like a bachelorette party is like one thousand dollars. So
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: you have all of these people just like blowing money.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: And when you get to a point where you're always
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: the bridesmaid and never the bride aka me, you know,
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: at some point you become a it starts to become
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: like a why why haven't I been chosen? So it's
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: all of these factors that like intertwine, right. But so
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: I think people stay in relationships much longer than they
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: need to because they feel like they need to fulfill
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: the role of being you know, dating someone to the
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: point of becoming a bride and then becoming a wife,
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: and then what's the next step after that, becoming a mother.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: So you almost like hand hand in your identity to
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: then take take on this other identity that's not you,
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: just because you feel like you need to because it's
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: like pushed down on you. So and but then you're
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: in it. You know, you look back, just like your
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: friend twenty years and you're like, what the fuck did
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: I just do? Why did I dedicate twenty years of
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: my life? And maybe this person realized year four, like
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: I'm seeing some things that really aren't I think maybe
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: we tried couples counseling and it's not working. And then
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: they're just like, oh well, I'm in it. I'm in
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: it for the long haul. And then you're twenty you're like, yeah,
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: I'm finally fin like filing for a divorce. Like that's
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: a terrible cycle and mindset to being like if something
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: just isn't working and you exhausted it and you tried
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: your roll, like hang up, that's all it's okay.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Hang up this out Like I so, I'm going through
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: a move and everything about moving is scary. You end
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: up in a new location. I'm actually ending up in
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: an old location where I have a lot of baggage
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: and a lot of fucking feelings like literally, I'm gonna
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: be driving past triggers all day every day, lucky me.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: And finally, and it was it's only within the past
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: like two to three years. My best friend and I
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: started saying something like it can be today, but today
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: doesn't have to be forever, Like take the job because
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: you need a job. Job doesn't have to be forever,
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: like reset your whole life, pack up your house and move.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: That also doesn't have to be forever, like if you
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: get in a situation and you don't like it, I
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: feel like, well, number one, there's so much that goes
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: into why if I'm married as a woman, I don't
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: feel like the right to leave, And it's mostly like
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: monetary and likes.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: It becomes a convoluted you know, collateral with the house
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: that you have, the finances, I mean, it becomes a web.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: So it's hard.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: And so many women have told me like I left
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: when I could afford to, or like I left when
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: it felt like too big, that it didn't even matter
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: that I was going to be broke or whatever. And
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: again that all plays into the misogynistic patriarchal society that
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: keeps us scared of not being chosen and then keeps
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: us scared about failing at being chosen once we're chosen, like, oh,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: I fucked it up, Like I gave away my entire
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: youth to be chosen and at the end of the
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: day still manage to fuck it up.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: I yeah, I mean that's pretty, that's spot on. Yeah,
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: it's yeah. I don't even know if I'm just like yep.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Yep, Bramo, good for me, nailed it.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: I think, you know. I guess. One comment I would
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: say though, is like I think everybody, everybody, there's different
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: paths for everyone. So some people, you know, they do
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: want to be a housewife, or some people do want
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: to be a mom, and some people want to be single,
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: and just like you, don't do their own things. Some
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: people maybe want to explore different types of relationships. So
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: whatever you feel is in like again, for you feel
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: free to peruse and feel free to go after and
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: you don't have to feel constrained to a box. And
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: there's so many different perspectives out there. But at the
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: end of the day, you always have to put yourself first.
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: So I don't know, I think that what a lot
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: of women do, and this is just my my belief.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: But I also come from like I'm a very hard
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: working person and I never want to rely on anyone
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: for anything. I guess given my own traumas and upbringings.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: But I do think a lot of women they fail
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: to continue to be themselves and they fail to continue
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: to provide for themselves, and they become very dependent as
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: opposed to interdependent. And I also feel like, you know,
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: you should equally contribute in some way, but you should
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: always be contributing to yourself, so you should have a
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: contingency plan. Also, Like there's just so many things I feel,
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: but you should always have like a backup plan just
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: in case, Like you never know what's going to happen
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: in life, so I just like to be safe.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: You know, no, And I think, like God, and this
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: is probably why I just like bowed out of motherhood
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: and marriage to begin with, because I was like, okay,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: so that I'm going to be married, and I have
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: to have a contingency plan because you can't count on nobody.
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: And well, the data doesn't lie though, I mean fifty
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: percent of marriages and in divorce and then subsequently I
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: think second divorce is it like skyrockets, Like your chances
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: are like sixty to seventy percent of that ending and divorce.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: So it's just it's not like I'm being a pessimistic.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: You know, a sager sally over here. It's just that
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: is the fact. And then there's yeah, and then there's
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: just the people who are in a relationship unhappily or
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: maybe staying even though you don't know what goes on
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: behind closed doors, but it's just the press. The premise
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: of a marriage, if you go back to its roots,
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: was like a political play. It was to like, I'm
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: going to do this. You know, our family's going to
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: expand you're going to get land. There was dowries involved,
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: there was this whole big thing, but it was all
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: like it was a business arrangement at the end of
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: the day. So if you're going to open a business
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: or you're going to you know, sell a house, like
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: you have a plan in place. And I just think
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: people go into mac which is a big freaking monumental
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: move to do in your life, and you don't go
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: in with like any type of backup plan or any
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: type of like in your mind like that. It's just
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: a little crazy to me, But that's just me.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: So then I gotta I gotta have a backup plan
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: because you can't, uh, you can't rely on nobody. I
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: say that all the time, I'm like, you can't trust nobody,
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: you can't. And then I have two to three kids.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: So now we're also making the choice of can we
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: afford daycare? Whose career takes a back seat if we
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: can't afford daycare. Daycare is astronomical, It's insane. It's insane.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: Someone my best friend broke down how much she spends
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: on fucking summer camp when those children aren't in school.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, we need year
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: round school. Then like insane.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: That's a conversation for another day. God bless everybody who
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: has children and are thriving in this economy, because I
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: am just a single cat mom over here, and like
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: there's some pay there's some pay periods where it's like
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: a struggle.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: Huh yeah, I don't. And so now I got two
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: to three kids, and it's like, whose career is taking
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: the hit? Who's for what? One k is taking the hit.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be relying on you as a partner
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: that this is going to work out for me. If
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: I sink some years out of my career into these
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: kids and start to let my plan be slide, it's
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: like it it's a mind fuck, and it's a system
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: where again I'm like, God, I have to have ten
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: things in the air at all times, plus also realizing
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not happy.
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that's also the problem too, is
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: once you start to enter a relationship, people put themselves
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: on the back burner and they start to put partner
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: on the pedestal. So it becomes in order of importance
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: really your partner the relationship. And then you now add
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: on factors of having a house, then add on factors
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: of having children, multiple children, add on factors of having
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: a job, add on factors of having pets. You start
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: to notice that you yourself a lot of the times sink
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: to the bottom, which becomes a very unhealthy and unbalanced
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: type of structure to live in. So it's just it's
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: going to collapse at some point. But I think that's
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: a big thing inherently again, that happens to a lot
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: of women because you assume the role of becoming the bride,
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: becoming the wife, becoming the mom, and that is your identity.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: Right again, you lose yourself. So I think that becomes
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: a big problem, and I think at a certain point
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: just kind of lose it.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: There was a big period in time where I was
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: watching the Real Housewives of Potomac just all day every day,
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: just like in chain It and you know, the Real
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: Housewives give it up to that puck and franchise. You
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: end up getting to know people for fifteen to twenty
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: five years. Like I, I've watched babies be born. It's
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: the same with fucking Yeah, it's the same with fucking
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: sister wives. Like I like, I'm a part of their family.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: They're a part of my family. And finally, I just
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: like had to become unglued about these husbands of Potomac
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: because what was clearly starting to happen is season one,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: those women were dedicated to being housewives and like making
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: sure that whatever he wanted to be happy was happening
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: or whatever. And then and we talked about it on
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: our Housewives episode with Chris DeRosa, who produces for the
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: Real Housewives, about how then all of a sudden, those
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: women are like getting hair care lines or clothing brands
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: or brand deals themselves, or going back to acting or whatnot.
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: And I said, almost as a joke, but honestly, like
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, because they have to have their
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: plan B for when they're ready to divorce him because
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: his money doesn't matter anymore. I've got my own and
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: he was like no, but for real, it's their escape patch.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: And you could watch in real time these men start
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: to grow so insecure because it was like they were
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: losing Like, oh my god, if she has her own
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: money and she doesn't need my money, what's actually keeping
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: her making sure that my life is taken care of?
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: And like, I never have to think that hard emotionally
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: or mentally about anything that could be going on in
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: our lives. And they became so mean, just like so
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: mean and resentful. And I was like, someone needs to
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: call these husbands out, because these women, despite the fact
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: that they don't need you or your money for whatever,
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: still feel attached to you and your mean as said.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: And I would tell my friend to start packing her bags.
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, that's good that they started with their plan.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: B I don't know, it's just it's weird. I mean,
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: I if I was to ever get married, I think
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: I would I would prefer to find someone who's an
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: equal to me. I wouldn't want to make more than
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: the person. I don't think i'd want them to make
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: more than me. Like I'd kind of want to be
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: on like a super equal playing field. I definitely would
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: want someone to sign a prenup for me, and then
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: I'd sign one for them. I just that's just my
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: belief because I don't like somebody having power over me.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to be like a super equal playing field.
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: But there are people who might think I'm crazy for
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: saying that, and that's okay. We all have different beliefs.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: But I just think, again, it's good to go into
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: something like knowing you need a plan B at all
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: times for all things in life. You know, your job
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: is great today, it could be terrible tomorrow. Your relationship
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: could be great today terrible to me. I just think
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: life is so unpredictable that it's just almost asinine to
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: not some just have something in your back pocket, like
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: just just some kind of fall back in just in
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: case you never know.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: I think I just realized one of my new red flags,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: and now a red flag is going to be like
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: people who think that capitalism doesn't have a negative effect
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: or a toxic effect at all on the way that
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: we express love to our partners and our families, because
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: it's like the wedding industry is a capitalistic nightmare.
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: Dude, I don't want to be asked respectfully. I have
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: so many friends, but I'm like, please stop asking me
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: be in your wedding, Like I really just want to
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: be a guest. I'm like, because this is crazy. It's crazy.
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: It's crazy, it's crazy. I cannot stand the wedding industry.
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: I'm like ready to wrangle the microphone ate it.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: For as fun as I had watching four Weddings on
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: tail see and my favorite Wedding with David Tatara or
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: whatever when I was younger, I like, I look at
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: weddings and I'm like, literally, everything about this is toxic.
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: Like I like, we think though, I honestly think that
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: a big catalyst for why it's become so fucking crazy
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: is because of social media. And I think it's all
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: this it's just this play like, look how great my
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: wedding was. I do think some people are like, oh,
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: you know, I want my wedding to be great, good
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: for you. But I think a lot of the times
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: it's just like, oh, who has the biggest and baddest wedding?
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: And I have friends who got married two years ago
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: and they still post their pictures in their feet and
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just like, dude, we're.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: Good, like we were there, we got it.
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: Like, but I'm like, also, if your wedding photos were
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: like three grand, I'm like, you better get good use
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: out of those.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: So yeah, but like, if you post one more this week,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask if you're on the rocks and I
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: might do it publicly because I'm an asshole like I
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: but like, the the idea that like money has no
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: effect on how we show romance and are able to
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: sustain our relationships in this country is crazy because of
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: what you just said. I would love to have a
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: partner where there's no power in balance financially, and yet
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: we know that so much goes into play that keeps
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: financial imbalances happening. And then like I just had a
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: friend post on her stories like and I think it
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: was because on Love is Blying UK, which is very boring.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Some guy bolt or some woman or some guy bulked
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: at a prenup or whatever, and it's like, when are
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: we normalizing prenups? Why is Jlo divorcing Ben Affleck without
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: a prenup?
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: Why do I see them in my new speed One
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: more time, I'm going to lose it.
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: Number one this is just for Anna Dee Armis because
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: I heard that maybe you're hanging out with Ben Affleck.
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: Everyone should be running away from Ben Affleck. He is
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: a walking red flack.
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know much about him. I feel like they
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: were both red I.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: Mean, they're both red flags, but I find him to
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: be probably the volatile of the two. Like she's a
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: vain red flag, like it's probably all about her all
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: the time. But he seemed resemful, sad and angry, and
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: I can't be doing it. I can't be a hostage
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: to his sad batman routine. So run away. She's young,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: Anna day Armist, you are young. Run to Glen Powell,
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: literally anyone else. But yeah, like the fact that we
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: demonize people who are just like, hey, should this fall apart?
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: I would just like to know that at the end
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: of the day, I'm going to be able to pay
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: rent somewhere else and eat. And it's because neither one
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: of us got petty. And it's again how certain people
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: hold on to their power because they've already built in
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: a financial imbalance for us.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: I think that the conversation of prenups it could be uncomfortable,
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: And I do think a lot of people go into it.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: I mean, who goes into a marriage. I mean, you
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: shouldn't go into a marriage hoping you get divorced. That's
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: just a recipe for disaster. But and it's just like
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: who goes into dating someone in the honeymoon stage thinking
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: it's going to come crumbling down in eight months? You
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: just you don't know. But I think that because of
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: that principle alone, it's just good to say, like, hey,
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: of course we don't want this to happen, but we should,
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: you know, maybe consider doing this, just because we don't
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: know what could happen. And I don't want you to
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: hate me, and I want us to both be set
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: up for success. And I think having mature conversations like
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: that would put you in a way better position and
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: make you feel empowered to make a choice if you
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: need to, but again without hoping that happens, of course.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: And I think on the emotional side of this, moving
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: away from my number two enemy capitalism, but on the
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: emotional side of this, there's such a shame and embarrassment
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: when it comes to letting a relationship, and in its
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: natural course, because of the way that we talk about like, oh,
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: you did like I've walked into every therapy session after
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: a breakup and gone, I knew better. I'm smarter than this,
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: just like taking all of that blame because I can
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: just like hear the army of people behind me being like,
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: well you knew who wasn't a great guy, or you
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: knew this, you knew that, and again there's no winning.
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: Like I would just like to wake up one day
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: and be like today everyone's going to be kind to me.
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: I think victim blaming is a real thing too, in
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: the sense that especially when you're in a toxic relationship.
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of women, especially tend to stay
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: in abusive relationships a lot of the times because people
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: and if you stay too long, like let's just say
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: you're in a really abusive like even my ex I
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: was within like two three years, and everybody wanted to
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: say I told you so. But it's there's the outsiders
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: who come in and they're just like, well you knew
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: from the beginning, like why were you stupid enough to stay?
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: And you start to internalize like I was really stupid.
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: But it's this victim mentality where you're just like I
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: should have known better, and people are gonna blame the
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: victim for staying too long, and they're not gonna blame
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: the enforcer for enforcing the behavior of you know, somebody
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: becoming a victim. So it is this really weird phenomenon
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: too that I think people are scared to kind of face.
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: But yeah, yeah, there's definitely a layer of accountability that
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: you have to take because you're the one who willingly
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: if it's willingly stayed in the situation. But you know,
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: that doesn't negate the fact that this person acted or
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: behaved in a certain way, Like two things can be
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: true at the same time.
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And no matter how frustrated I get, one of
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: friend is being mistreated in a way that I think
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: I would never tolerate for myself again, because I've already
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: tolerated it. No matter how frustrated I get about it,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: I never allow my brain to go. And this is
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: her fault for dealing with it, for like injuring it,
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: for whatever, because I because like part of decentering, like
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: romantic relationships and your value being attached to whatever man
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: is coming over to your house a lot is also
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: realizing that you lived in a structure and in a
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: society that set you up to feel like you had
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: to stay or gave you such small parameters of leading,
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: like finances in safety and support and things like that.
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: So like I won't, I will not take I will
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: be frustrated, I will be mad, I will be sick
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: of looking at at him, I will be sick of
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: hearing about him. I will probably tell you every day
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: I don't want to hear him anymore. Don't bring him
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: to things that I'm at. But I'm never gonna take
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: it to that next level of blaming you, because like
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: my anger that I'm annoyed that I'm watching this goes
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: down is nothing compared to you actually living it.
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a really good point. And one thing I
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: realized too is it's very easy when you're on the
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: outside to point fingers and say what are you doing?
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: Why are you staying with this person? This person is
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: clearly very unhealthy for you. But now take that person
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: out of the equation and put yourself in there, which
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: is what happens to me. I would have all of
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: my best friends look at me and say, why are
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: you with this person? This person clearly doesn't love you
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: the way that you think. They don't value you, they
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: don't cherish you. You're crying every freaking day, like what
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: are you doing? But for whatever reason, a compounding of
• 49:58
  Speaker 2: all of these factors that I just didn't heal, I stayed.
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: But now again, take myself out of that and I'll
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: PLoP my best friend in there. I would look at
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: my best friend and say like, bitch, what are you doing?
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: But again, it's easy when you're not in it, you know,
• 50:11
  Speaker 2: to be able to say that. So I think again,
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: it's having grace for someone because you don't know what
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: motivated them to, you know, find this person attractive in
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: the first place. You don't understand what they're going through mentally,
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: you don't understand what maybe they don't even know that
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: they don't know right because maybe they're on a certain
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: point in their journey. So it's just understanding and kind
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: of opening your perspective, but being able to offer advice
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: if the person wants advice, and letting people kind of
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: go down a journey that they're meant to go down
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: for whatever reason. But I don't know. It depends on
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: like your level too. But I never blame someone for
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: staying in a relationship. I do try to have grace,
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: but it is concerning if it's like emotion physically or
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: sexually abusive, like I think, then you can start to
• 50:56
  Speaker 2: like intervene more seriously to like just make sure they're safe,
• 50:59
  Speaker 2: but to blame them busy for staying. I mean, people
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: stay in abusive relationships. It takes them like eight or
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: nine times to finally leave. So there's a psychological phenomenon
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: that goes on when you're in a really unhealthy relationship
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: that people, I don't think understand when unless they experience
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: it themselves.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: People should have watched Lifetime more often, Like I was
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: lain in the second.
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: I Love Lifetime. It's the best.
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: True crime in Lifetime setting me up for how I
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: was going to have to behave, Like I feel like
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: we need that on a T shirt. Oh, what are
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: some red flags that you've turned into deal breakers?
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: That's a good one. One would definitely be. This is
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: more of a personal one. Actually, I'm going to call
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: that like personal ones. But it takes two to tango
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: if in a relationship. So the first one is if
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: I ever feel the need to go through my partner's
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: phone because I think they're like hiding something or sneaking
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: something around, if they're doing something and then I actually
• 52:04
  Speaker 2: find I will never go through someone's gown again. I
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: have done it, but red flagging of itself invading someone's privacy.
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: But if I feel like I just can't trust you
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: and I really have that urge to like start looking
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: through your phone, we're done, Like we're just we're done.
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: I don't want to play games. I don't want to
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: do that, I don't want to invade someone's privacy, and
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: I just don't want to go snooping. So that's a
• 52:27
  Speaker 2: big red flag slash deal breaker now for me. Another
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: one would be there were plenty of times where I
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: lied to my family and friends about who I was dating,
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: or I hid certain things that were happening, or I
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: only chose to share certain details, or maybe they knew
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: about someone I once dated and I lied and said
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: that I wasn't dating them now, and they were in
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: complete and utter secrecy because I was embarrassed and ashamed
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: to say to them that this is what I was
• 52:57
  Speaker 2: putting up with. If that ever crosses my way again,
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: that's a red flag, you know, and a deal breaker.
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: You should not be with someone who you're scared to
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: share with your friends and family you're dating or scared
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: or share to share a fact of like what potentially
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: is happening that's really unhealthy. So that's a huge deal
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: breaker for me.
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: Now, Yeah, one of the red flags that I've now
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: made just like a point blank deal breaker to the
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: point where I don't even want to hang out with
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: your partner if I have to watch this happen is
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: I can no longer be doing it. Where someone is
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: getting accolades or attention or laughs or whatever, and you
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: immediately have to put that person down or you know,
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: you immediately have to throw a fit, you start pouting,
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: you start holding us all hostage with your insecurity tantrum
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: or whatever. You're me and you're insecure and insecure people
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: are going to punch my walls and then I can't
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: afford to fix that, like I can't be doing it.
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: And I also will not let you dictate how I'm
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: supposed to feel about myself, like don't you feel stupid?
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: And another one And I think it's because of how
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: joy is weaponized against women so often, is I will
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: not tolerate someone putting down someone's joy, like their hobby,
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: their passion, their love, Like I'm a cat lady who
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: loves Taylor Swift. I am made a fool of every day.
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: I am the butt of millions of jokes. I have
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: a vice presidential candidate who said I was the scum
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: of our population. And it's the fact that, like, I
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: find it to be the biggest red flag if you
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: see so many people enjoying something like a Chapel Roone
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: concert and you immediately have to say something mean about
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: her and how her music isn't classy enough or she's
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: putting on too many airs or Taylor Swift's too successful
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: for her own good or whatever. It's like, no, I'm
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: not tolerating that.
• 55:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I'm a I'm not a Swiftie, but
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: I'm like a die hard Adam Sandler fan, Like I
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: have Adam Sandler everywhere in my freaking apartment. I literally
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: I can't date someone who just constantly be like, oh
• 55:28
  Speaker 2: he's corny or like putting down things that I find
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: joy and why why what are you contributing to my
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: life that brings me joy? Why are you going to
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: knock it down? So that's that's a huge.
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: Huge dude. Yeah, we we've had an episode on like
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: weaponized Joy and how it comes down to like, girlhood
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: is always so looked down upon. I mean, I've had
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: men who have watched their kid be handed a popsacle
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: and had to say out loud, why did you take
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: the pink early popsicle? And it's like, bitch, he just
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: likes the flavor raspberry, Like it's unnecessary.
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: It's just I don't like a chill Joy's that's somebody.
• 56:13
  Speaker 2: Life is too short to putting up with that.
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: Then I gotta start screaming about how stupid it is
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: that we've genderized colors to be with yeah and popsicle sticks,
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: and then and then three year olds are looking at
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: me as I'm like, popsicles don't have genders. Okay, that's
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: not something that happens. You can be a boy, you
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: can be whatever. And like the flavor Raspberry, I don't
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: give a shit. That was an inappropriate comment, Like I
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: just I can't be doing it. I cannot be doing it.
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: And it's the it's the real, like I'm insecure to
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: the point of pettiness, and to the point of if
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: I'm not being celebrated, no one's being celebrated for me,
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: because it's mean. It's just mean and spirited.
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: It's it's bully bit behavior for no reason. One more
• 57:02
  Speaker 2: I can think of is so communication is big to me,
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: and interestingly enough, when I was, you know, going to
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: therapy and still am, I thought to myself, I'm a writer,
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: I'm a beautiful communicator. But what I did uncover is
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: when things become uncomfortable, sometimes I'm not the best at
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: communicating or sometimes I do shut down. So there's work
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: to do there. But I do say that to say
• 57:24
  Speaker 2: that I can understand if people have work to do
• 57:29
  Speaker 2: when it comes to communication, but if something ever escalates
• 57:33
  Speaker 2: to the point where you're yelling, you know, I will
• 57:36
  Speaker 2: not put up with that. So out of control anger
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: problems or someone who just yells and cannot talk when
• 57:42
  Speaker 2: there's some kind of like disagreement or conflict, I will
• 57:47
  Speaker 2: not tolerate that. I think that's also something it's like
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: a trigger for me, just given things that I grew
• 57:53
  Speaker 2: up with, you know, in my early childhood. But I
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: just think, at the end of the day, incredibly disrespectful,
• 57:58
  Speaker 2: incredibly immature, end just unhealthy. So that's something I would
• 58:03
  Speaker 2: never ever put up with, and unfortunately I did.
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I have also been yelled at over the
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: tiniest to the biggest of things, and it's like, what
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: are we doing, sir? This is a Chilies, Why are
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: we yelling? Like, just get your baby? Julia Washington who
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: collaborates on this podcast a lot, and I refer to
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: Chili's as the white people haven. That's where white people
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: feel the safest, exactly, And do you feel safe at
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: the Chilies?
• 58:37
  Speaker 2: Yes, Oh, yes, of course I do.
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: Of course.
• 58:41
  Speaker 2: The Casadia explosion salad is like the go to safe haven.
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: A triple dip and a cookie skillet. That's all I
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: need for.
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: The cookies.
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: Skill it, cookie skill it, That's all I need for
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: a good week. And one of the things about the
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: whole red flag thing is people can grow out of
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: their own personal red flags, like growth is this thing.
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: But I will die on the hill that you're allowed
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: to be exhausted to the point where there's no turning back.
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: So like maybe the person is on the cusp of
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: changing their red flag or whatever, but it's too late.
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: It's been long term trauma, it's been I'm exhausted. I'm
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: not happy all of it. I don't believe that you
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: have to write out someone else's bad time. If that's
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: just leaking into that being your bad time.
• 59:38
  Speaker 2: I wholeheartedly agree with that, And that goes back to
• 59:42
  Speaker 2: the principle of you should be able to take the
• 59:44
  Speaker 2: power in your hands to say what you're willing and
• 59:47
  Speaker 2: not willing to tolerate what you're willing to wait for
• 59:50
  Speaker 2: what you're willing to accept. So I couldn't agree.
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: With you more the amount of times not even the woman,
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: the woman who has fled, won't even be in the
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: room because she's flood and and I have to hear like,
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: didn't even give him the chance to change, didn't even
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: give them credit that he changed this, that and the other.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, because we're tired, Like I'm tired, Like.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: I think it depends on what it is, Like I
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 2: think it's all based on context, so I can't really say.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: But like, going back to the example of my friend
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 2: with her partner has lost a job and has become
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 2: lazy and just you know, I think you can wait
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 2: for a little bit in that case, but if it
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 2: becomes you know, you're the sole breadwinner, you're taking care
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 2: of everything, and all of that responsibility is on you.
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's you're in a decision to say what
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 2: you want to do, you know, And I think it's
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 2: it really depends on the red flag at hands how
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: you want to pivot is at all.
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I also think that like part of what keeps
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: like red flags alive and from not being taken serious
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: is how other people will talk about your relationship. And
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: now you have like fifty people telling you like it's
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: either not that bad or it's the worst that they've
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: ever seen. Like if someone is talking about their lived
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: experience and they're crying and they're upset, and your first
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: sentence is I can't believe you think it's that bad.
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what's wrong with you? Like we're crying?
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, I think there's there's too much I want
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 2: to say, fake influence in life right now, Like you're
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 2: on social you think everything you see is real, or
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 2: you think everybody really cares what you're posting. I just
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 2: think you know, you have friends too, who obviously everybody
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 2: and everybody's just grounds it in different things and everybody's
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 2: going through life in their own ways. And really, at
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 2: the end of the day, what you have to realize
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: is no one really cares. Like, no one cares. I think,
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 2: you know, so I'll leave the house sometimes with like
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 2: a pimple on my chin, and I'll like say to
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: my best friend, I'm like, oh my god, I look crazy.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 2: He's like, I didn't even notice then who you said it?
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: He's like, I don't care. And I'm like, oh what
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 2: I phenomenon. I'm like, you don't care how I look,
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 2: you know. But it's just I think we hyper fixate
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 2: on how we think other people look at us, but
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 2: really no one's paying that much attention. It's just us
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 2: projecting that we think people care that much, whether it
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 2: be about our relationships or whatever. So I say this
• 1:02:25
  Speaker 2: to say, in a long winded way, you just have
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: to do what is best for you. I think you
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 2: could take advice, because again, there's other perspectives that are
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 2: out there that you may not be considering, or there's
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 2: merit in certain things that certain people say, whether or
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 2: not you agree, I mean, as long as it's based
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 2: in experience or facts or whatever. But I think you
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 2: have to know what you want and then move accordingly.
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and that's so funny with me. I didn't
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: even notice the first time that my sister told us
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: she was having my nephew, she immediately followed it up
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: with me too. Didn't you notice that I was taking
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: like a hand full of pills every day at gen Con?
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: And I was like, no, because I also take a
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 1: hand full of pills to keep me regulated. Like I
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: was like, I got the B twelve, I got the iron,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: I got the anti depressant, I got the birth control.
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: I go I to am just licking pills out of
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: my hand first thing in the morning. Yeah, I thought
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 1: everyone did it. And like and She's like, oh, okay,
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, I have too much ADHD
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: in this brain to be tracking whatever you're doing. You're
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: not by current hyperfixation, like yeah, And it is because
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: like we fall into those traps a lot, like with
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 1: stay at home moms and working moms, Like, oh, stay
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: at home moms think this about working moms, and working
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: moms think this about stay at home moms. No, you
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: guys never think about each other because you're surviving whatever
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: your motherhood looks like.
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 2: And it's also think about it. I mean, I only
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 2: have but so much capacity to deal with what I'm
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 2: going through and then a little bit to really be
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 2: there for my friends and my family. But we all
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 2: go through things that no one else would ever understand
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 2: because you're not in it, so to then think, oh,
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 2: but people care so much about what I'm going through. No,
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 2: it's just it's this fallacy and I think we've been
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 2: ingrained to believe that also because of social media. But
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 2: people do not care. People do not care. And then
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: once you realize people don't care, life becomes so much freer.
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 2: You just start making decisions for yourself. You start embracing
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 2: all that as you because you realize no one cares
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 2: except me, And it's a beautiful uplifting for like freeing feeling.
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna move us to our closing out ceremony.
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: What do you think your biggest lesson has been learning
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: about red flags and then relating them to self love
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: and discovering how important self love is.
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that For a really long time, I
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 2: harbored kind of what I said earlier, a lot of shame,
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 2: a lot of guilts, a lot of embarrassment, and I
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 2: felt really alone and a lot of the experiences that
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 2: I had, and granted they're unique to me. But when
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 2: I started writing this book, and again at first it
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 2: was supposed to be a memoir, and then my publisher
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 2: was like, this, you can really transform this by making
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 2: this a self help book, which is ultimately what it is.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 2: But then the feedback that I would get from readers
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 2: when they said, oh my god, I dated someone like
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 2: a hunter, or oh my goodness, I had a similar
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 2: experience like the guy in Ireland, and realizing that so
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 2: many of us have our own lives and we're going
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 2: down these journeys for the first time together but also individually.
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 2: But there's so much relatability and there's so many lessons
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 2: that I think we can learn from one another, which
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 2: makes it a really beautiful journey. So the one thing
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 2: I realized was to really not be ashamed, to really
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 2: not let these experiences anchor me down and feel like
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 2: I couldn't live my authentic self because I had to
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 2: kind of hide things that I've done. And there's things
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 2: in the book that I share that I'm not proud of,
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 2: and that's okay because we're human. But just learning to
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 2: embrace my perfectly perfect self and really embrace all of
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 2: the decisions I've made, take accountability for the actions that
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 2: I've done, heal through things that I thought maybe weren't
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 2: the best, but I took it as a learning experience
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 2: to grow and really just being open and true to
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 2: who I am, which then invites other people to come
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 2: into my life and say like, hey, I've done something similar.
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 2: So it's been a really beautiful dialogue. And it's interesting
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 2: because a book is usually like a one way communication
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 2: right where you kind of put it out and that's it.
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 2: But in my experience, it's been a very open, beautiful,
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 2: two way dialogue where a lot of readers have reached
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 2: out and I've built like really cool friendships or really
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 2: beautiful connections with people sharing dating stories and learning from
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 2: one another. So I would say that is the coolest
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 2: thing that has happened, just really learning to embrace all
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 2: that is me, all that I've done, all that I've dated,
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 2: the good, the bad, the ugly, everything, because it makes.
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 1: You use yeah, oh I A running joke I have
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: in my life is that in a former life, I
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: went to school for teaching, and I'm not using my
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: teaching lies. I flood teaching. So I always like make
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: a joke of it about like cating you believe that
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: I was in my college years going to teaching or whatever.
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: And luckily enough, I have enough kind people near or
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: around me who always go yeah, but it got you
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: here today, like yeah, yeah, it's all part of it.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: It's all just like a step in the right or
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: the wrong direction, and sometimes a wrong direction loops back
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 1: around everything in Dayton. All of the Dayton suburbs are
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: literally shaped like a fucking jelly being. You think you're
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 1: going the wrong way, and yet all of a sudden
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: you end up and how that you needed to be.
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 1: And so sometimes the wrong direction still gets you to
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: where you need to be.
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And then a big thing too, is again, I
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 2: believe myself for a really long time. And one of
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 2: the biggest takeaways I think with just even just writing
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 2: this book is I really learned to speak to myself
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 2: with kindness and compassion and empathy, and it's built such
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 2: a really strong foundation within myself and it's translated into
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 2: the way that I speak to others too. Not that
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 2: I've been before, but I really feel like I exude
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 2: like hippie peace and I just but it all started
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 2: with me. And I think again, once you free yourself
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 2: of all of those negative emotions and you just really
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 2: start to coddle yourself and nurture yourself and pour love
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 2: into yourself, it's just it's going to be abundantly apparent
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 2: and it's going to you know, impact positively all of
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 2: the other relationships you have, platonic, familial, romantic, all the aboves.
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and I think just like a lesson than
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: I want to reiterate at the end of this episode
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 1: would be like, you're allowed to stick to your ick,
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: so like, just because it's not an ick for me,
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 1: it can be an ick for you. I think we
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 1: get so caught up in these words like shallow, petty, picky,
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: like all of it, and it's like hard to please that,
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: Like we're almost like we always like make allowances for
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: our own dick and then make us believe that we
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: ourselves are crazy for having a standard stick to your icks.
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, But also on top of that, though, do know
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 2: when to be flexible, you know, and bends a little
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 2: bit too and compromise because life is all a give
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 2: and take. But absolutely, if you feel adamantly strong about
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 2: one belief, you know, I can't date someone who does X,
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 2: Y and Z. Don't let ever people think you're insane
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 2: for feeling that way. If you feel that way and
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 2: you really feel like you can't date someone like that,
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 2: go with that you know move forward in that direction
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 2: because it's your relationship, it's not theirs. So whatever you
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 2: want in a partner, again, you have the choice, You
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 2: have the power, so do what feels in whatever feels
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 2: right for you.
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: Your list of X is no one's business, and a
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 1: hard pill I've had to swallow is I'm not allowed
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 1: to project my list of X onto how you should
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: be feeling. I like, I love to poke at someone
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 1: and be like that's icky, Like you don't, and then
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: I start using plural pronouns. I'm like, we don't fuck
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 1: with that, and like the person saying next to me
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: is like, I actually do fuck that again, I'm like, ugh, ikey,
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: Like you don't also get to take your list, Like
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 1: there's no universal list of X or red flags, Like
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 1: everyone gets to set their own. Uh, what is something
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 1: that you would like to manifest for the collective energy
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 1: to help this world and misogyny and all of it
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 1: just be better?
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 2: I oh, this is good. I just want to empower
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 2: people to really just educate themselves and make smarter, rational decisions,
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 2: not believe everything that you hear just because, and just
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 2: move accordingly based on what you you know and feel.
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 2: To be true, you know, like I just I want.
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 2: I just feel like we live in a really weird
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 2: society right now. I don't necessarily like it, and you know,
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 2: I just want. I want people to feel empowered and
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 2: enough to make like rational, smart decisions that benefit them
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 2: and not and not listen to what others are maybe
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 2: feeding them to believe. I don't know, that's just I
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 2: don't know why that was top of mind, but I.
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 1: Just well, yeah, yeah, rabbit year yeah. I think my
• 1:12:12
  Speaker 1: manifestation is that everyone listening and then everyone beyond them
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: at some point has a chance to become comfortable with
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 1: themselves and being by themselves. I think that part of
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: that timing, part of the root, is that we don't
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: allow anyone to actually set their caliber of what they
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: want and what they don't want, and what makes them
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: comfortable and what makes them uncomfortable. Because by the time
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 1: I'm fourteen, I'm just supposed to force a partner and
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: consider that partner and anything that they would want into
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 1: my life too. So then it's very easy to start.
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: I mean, Julia Roberts and Runaway Bride did not even
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: know what type of eggs she is.
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 2: Actually like one more thing too, is just I think
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 2: we all we are all going through things, you know,
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 2: So I guess my manifestation, my prayer, whatever these listeners
• 1:13:15
  Speaker 2: you know, believe that you heal through whatever it is
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 2: that you feel is not allowing you to step into
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 2: like your most full, beautiful, empowered self. I think we
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 2: all have demons. We all have things that shaped us
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 2: and molded us good and bad. And sometimes those bad
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 2: things can be really like demonic almost in nature, and
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 2: like feel like it's just a shadow that's forever following you.
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 2: But I do hope that whatever you're going through that's
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 2: making you feel like you're not enough, you heal through
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 2: because you are enough that I hope. I really hope
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 2: you feel that way.
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And if if it feels too selfish or too
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable to be enough for yourself, be enough for your
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: cat or your dog. Like every day I just answer
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: to Penelope. My entire emotional and mental state of mind
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: depends on whether or not Penelope likes me or not.
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's healthy, I'm not sure.
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: Like listen, cat mom, one cat mom to another, same
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 2: So it's.
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like if that is just mad at me, I'm
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: on a spiral. I'm not well, like I no, I'm like,
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 1: why are you mad at me? She's so mad because
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 1: I've touched all of our stuff and put it on
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 1: the floor, and she's like.
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 2: Why, how is she gonna feel moving?
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: She's not gonna like it because we are staying with
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 1: my dad for a bit until things in my life
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: like even out, and he has a dog and his
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 1: house is noisy, and she's never been uncomfortable a day
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 1: in her existence with me. So I assume that I'm
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: going to spend a lot of time crying and begging
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 1: her to like me again.
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 2: Oh well, I hope it's a fast transition.
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 1: The problem is is that we're so we're both so
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 1: codependent that when she does get nervous or whatever, she
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 1: also wants me to be nervous. So she has to
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: like look around corners to be like, excuse me, the
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 1: world is ending, and I would like you to act accordingly.
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 1: Excuse me?
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 2: Hello, mom?
• 1:15:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, hello, and I And so she forces herself to
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 1: like be with me, even though she's worked up herself.
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 1: So I'm just like, I'm just a wrap. I'm just
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 1: a mess, like people have told me so often. Like no,
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 1: it's good that she feels like she can be with
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 1: you when she's anxious, like that means that she'll adjust quicker,
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: and I'm like right, or she'll attack my dad's dog
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 1: and I'll cry about that. I don't think that dogs
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 1: should be attacked. Like yeah, I like, I'm just I
• 1:15:58
  Speaker 1: I don't do well with animal to animal conflict. I'm like, no,
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: be friends, Like.
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I wish you the best of luck in
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 2: your that Penelope.
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 1: She's okay, she's fine. She's gonna be fine. She's gonna
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: be fine. She's gonna have an entire room to herself.
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: She's gonna be fine. Uh, but thank you so much again.
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 1: The magic of the Internet, no matter how dark and
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 1: scary it is, is that I got to DM you
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 1: and we got to make a connection. So thank you
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 1: for being open to a connection and open to being
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 1: a guest. Please let the listeners know where they can
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 1: find the book, where they can find you, all of it.
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 2: You're the best. And it's so funny because I remember
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 2: I emailed you and then you dmsvan' like what a
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 2: small world.
• 1:16:42
  Speaker 1: A small world.
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 2: It's amazing. There is beauty and the Internet. But thank
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 2: you again. So my name is Brianna McKee. Then my book,
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 2: The Red Flags have repeatedly ignored. It's available on Amazon,
• 1:16:53
  Speaker 2: Barnes and Noble, Walmart as a hardcover which is so sexy,
• 1:16:56
  Speaker 2: but also a paperback for the paperback lovers, and an
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 2: e book audiobook is dropping soon. And if you want
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 2: to stay connected, you can follow me on social media
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 2: at the Bana McCabe and my website's the mccabs dot com.
• 1:17:10
  Speaker 2: And I love just connecting with people, so shoot me
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 2: a DM and we can become friends.
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: And that is all in the show notes, because I
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 1: would never make anything harder for you. And in the
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: show notes you'll find the link to our patriarch that
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 1: has all of our bonus material and our free blogs.
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: You'll find the Instagram and I've tolerated pod, the TikTok,
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 1: Nadley K one, two four, and all the ways to
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: get a hold of me. Currently, I would like people
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 1: talking to me more often about Love Island or this
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 1: Secret Life of Mormon Wives show that's coming up, Like
• 1:17:49
  Speaker 1: I insane, I would just like more insane dams about
• 1:17:54
  Speaker 1: reality TV. And remember, tolerators, you don't have to spile
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 1: anything you're tolerating, including making yourself uncomfortable by throwing out
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 1: your bread flacks because you've decided that that's what society
• 1:18:12
  Speaker 1: wants you to do. Smiles are for joy,