Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / Therapist Reacts to Obsession
Transcript
- Tori: Okay, hey y'all. Welcome back to another episode of Don't Quote Me. And today we're gonna be doing something a little bit different. We're gonna be talking about a movie, but not just a movie review. We are going to put our therapist glasses on for a moment and unpack some of the psychology behind what we're actually watching. And today we're gonna be talking about the movie Obsession. Now, before we get started, if you haven't seen this movie yet, there will definitely be some spoilers ahead. So consider this your first and final warning. And if you've seen it, well, girly, let's talk. Because there are so many things to unpack from this movie. I have watched it three times, and I'm just like, yeah, let's do this. so of course, I'll put my little disclaimer in here before we get started. As you may know or heard prior, but don't quote me as a space for education, reflection, and honest conversations about mental health and life experiences. This podcast is not therapy and it is not a replacement for mental health treatment. The thoughts and information shared here are for educational purposes only. And just to be clear, we are talking about fictional characters today. And I am not diagnosing anyone in this movie. And this discussion is not to be used to diagnose yourself or anybody else in your life, please. Okay. Now let's get into it. And excuse my voice and all of that, in case it sounds a little weird today, a little stuffy here in good old Texas. Gotta love these allergies. Okay, so what is this movie about? So if you haven't seen Obsession, here's a quick little wrap up summary version. So we have Bear, who is essentially a hopeless romantic, and he has a crush on his coworker Nikki. And instead of navigating the very normal and Can be very painful experience of actually liking someone who may not feel the same way. Bear just decides to use this one wish willow to make Nikki love him. And there's where the there's where. That is where things get interesting. because if we work look at this in a surface level perspective, we can just say, well, yeah, he wanted the girl that he liked to actually like him back. But then we can ask, did he really, or did he want to control her feelings? And that is where I want to start. So let's talk about that difference between attraction and obsession, right? Having a crush is normal. Thinking about somebody a lot, normal. Being excited when they text you, that's normal. Imagining wanting a relationship with someone might look like, that's also normal. But the difference between this is really liking a person and I need and quote unquote, I need this person to feel the way I feel. Because once we move from wanting a connection to needing the control, we're entering a different space. So let me kind of like say that to where it makes a little bit more sense. if it didn't. So, Bayer, it would be okay for Bayer to be like, I really just like Nikki a lot and have this fantasy world in his actual mind and keeps to himself instead of actually. Going forward and being like, no, I need this person to feel the exact same way, which is what he did when he used this wish. That is what I'm talking about. And that is the main theme of this movie. Fair doesn't simply want Nikki. He wants to guarantee that Nikki wants him and him alone. When his wish says, I want to be the only person that she loves the most in the world, that is where we jump to something else. And those are two very different things. So here we go. We're gonna call out some red flags here. So the first one, which is my favorite, entitlement. This is probably the one of the biggest ones that I wanted to talk about here with this movie. Because sometimes obsession gets romanticized, right? There's so many movies out here that look at it as well, I'd want somebody to be obsessed with me because look how they do treat her and like they. Live up your butthole and all this stuff. Yeah, cool. We see someone pursuing another person over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again with these storylines. Look how much they love them, but persistent isn't always persistent. Persistence, sorry, isn't always love. Sometimes persistence is simply not accepting that rejection from that person. And that is an important distinction right here. You can really like somebody, right? And still have to accept that they don't want the same thing from you. That's adulthood. That's emotional maturity. And that's respecting another person's autonomy, which was not taken in this movie. Because Bear essentially said, I don't want to accept that Nikki may not choose me, so I'm going to make her choose me when he made that wish for her. Or himself. Whatever, however you want to look at it, right? And baby boy, that's not love. Can't force somebody to fucking love you. That's control, right? And that is the entitlement of him thinking that that is the okay thing to do. Now, red flag number two, the fantasy. Another thing I think that was fascinating is the fantasy of who Nikki is versus who Nick Nikki actually was. And I think that like a lot of people can relate to this, right? Sometimes we don't fall in love with the actual person. We fall in love with the idea of that person, the version that we Have created in our own head, right? Which is what Bear kind of pulled from. We fill in those blanks. We imagine that they would be a great partner or what they would look like as a partner with us, better to say. We imagine that relationship, we imagine the future with them, and suddenly we're emotionally attached to a relationship that doesn't even exist. You just catfished yourself, basically. So that's when I would want someone to actually pause and ask themselves. Am I connecting to this person or am I connecting to the idea of this person? Those are not always the same thing. Always check the facts first, people, okay? My third red flag that I have here. Which drumroll is my favorite. Ignoring the boundaries. Ignoring the So as much as I've talked about this in our first two episodes, boundaries, because a huge part of healthy relationships are understanding. Other people get to have their own feelings. Other people get to say no. Other people get to change their minds. Other people get to choose us or not choose us. And we have to respect that. Point blank, period. And see the problem with Bear's behavior is that Nikki's autonomy becomes secondary to what he actually wants from her. Or once in general, who could say. And that's where we see the danger. Because when someone starts believing, I know what is best for you. You really do love me, actually. You just didn't realize it yet, basically. Which is which is what this fantasy dream or where's the word at? Wish. Yeah, there we go. That he has asked for, that is what he's basically giving me. Like. I know what's best for Nikki. he made that decision for her. And we need to pay attention. That's not connection. That's someone attempting to override another person's autonomy. Control. Trying to control that person. So with that being said, let us talk about some rejection, right? Here's where I think the movie becomes really interesting psychologically too. So the rejection part. Right. Nobody likes rejection. Nobody just is born with the acceptance and okay with being rejected. Rejection actually really hurts. And I think most of us have experienced some of that in any version capacity within your life. Maybe you liked someone and they didn't like you back. You thought she was going somewhere and it wasn't. You thought the friendship was deeper than it actually was. And it wasn't. which kind of relates to my housewives, but side note. you thought that you were gonna get that job, that promotion that you've worked so hard for, and you actually didn't. Rejection can bring up feelings of embarrassment, inadequacy, insecurity, anger, sadness, and even shame. But here's the most important part feeling rejected doesn't give us permission to actually control the person who rejected us, right? We have to learn to tolerate the discomfort of hearing no. Get comfortable with hearing no, I'm gonna say that again. And honestly, that is a skill within itself. So if you feel like you can relate to that and you have a difficulty listening to the word no and don't accept it, that's somewhere we could work on. Well, you can work on. So I'm gonna give you my therapist red flag meter, okay? we're gonna go green flag healthy, yellow flag, let's talk about that. Orange flag can be very concerning. We're tiptoeing around the red flag, and the red flag is an absolutely not, okay? And Bear, you're past the red baby. We are going way beyond the limits of red, okay? We're just rolling down the hill and creating this big old red snowball and it's gonna explode into like an atomic bomb or something. Because once you're literally using a magical object to force somebody to love you, we've we've left the building. There is no there is no coming back from this, baby. You are all the way out there. And so I kind of wrote this down again because I feel like We're so used to that romanticized relationship of like somebody being obsessive with another person and can't live without you type of thing. which kind of comes back to that, but he loves her. And that's where I want to challenge something. Because I can already hear, like I just said, everybody's saying but he loved her. Okay. Love isn't just a feeling though. It's also involving a behavior, respect, consent. Autonomy, safety, trust. You can extremely Harm somebody by not respecting those. You can have those intense feelings for somebody and still behave in an unhealthy way and not even notice it. So, I mean, hey, check yourself right there. If any of those things do not fall into your understanding of what love actually is, maybe we need to go back and reevaluate, right? Because having strong feelings doesn't automatically make those behaviors loving. Sometimes we confuse intensity with intimacy And they are not the same. Something can feel incredibly intense and can still be incredibly unhealthy. Which boils down to this, right? So why does exception obsession obsession feel so powerful? When we are intensely focused on someone or something, our attention can become so narrow. Tunnel vision, tunnel vision, right? That's what we mostly hear. Or those road gold rose gold glasses, maybe. Everything starts coming back to that person. What did they mean when they texted that? Why didn't they respond? Are they thinking about me? What if they leave? What if I lose them? And eventually that person's behavior starts determining your emotional state. They text, you're happy. They don't text, you're anxious, nervous, frustrated. They pull away, you're devastated, you isolate yourself, maybe. They come back, you're relieved. Now everything is about them. And honestly, you probably still isolate yourself from your support system. And that circle can become incredibly consuming, right? So this is one reason it's important to maintain your own identity and life outside of a relationship. I will second, third, fourth, fifth, 195%, whatever you want to call it, agree with this and back this up. I always believe that somebody needs to have their own life outside of their own with outside of their romantic relationship. Cause your whole emotional world shouldn't depend on one person's attention. It's not healthy and it's not fair to you and it's not fair to that person as well. Okay, another little red flag that I popped up or wrote down, not popped up, the I can fix it mentality, right? So this is a dangerous pattern, a dangerous pattern of thought thinking. If I just do the right thing, I can make this work. And sometimes we become so focused on getting the outcome we want that we stop paying attention to what is actually happening in that moment. We ignore those signs. We rationalize the behavior, we make excuses, we keep thinking, maybe tomorrow will be different. And sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is to accept this isn't what it w what I wanted it to actually be. Or this isn't what it should be. And that doesn't mean that you're unlovable, right? That means that this particular situation is just not healthy for you and it is okay. so since we're looking at this from like a therapeutic perspective, it got me also thinking, like, what would I say to a client that's in front of me? So if somebody came into my office and told me I'm completely obsessed with this person, I can't stop thinking about them, I need them to love me. I mean of course I would not shame them and I wouldn't say that's crazy. I'd get actually very curious. I'd ask, What does this person represent for you? What do you believe it would mean if they chose you? What are you afraid of if they don't? Or what would happen? What are you afraid would happen if they didn't choose you? W better wording. And what feelings come up when you imagine letting go? Imagine not even Caring about this person, what would happen to you? Because sometimes the person isn't actually the entire story, right? Sometimes the obsession is connected to something deeper. Maybe it's rejection, maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's an insecurity, maybe it's a need for validation, maybe it's the fear of that abandonment. Maybe it's wanting to feel chosen by somebody. And that is where the therapeutic work begins. So the question I want you to ask yourself is Am I pursuing connection or am I pursuing a validation? Because those can look very similar at first and a couple of times, you know, but they're completely different. Connection says, I like you, and I'd love for this to work. Validation says, I need you to choose me because I need you to prove something about my worth. And when our self-worth becomes dependent on somebody else's responses to us, that's when we need to pause and take a moment and reflect on to what is actually going on. And here's to my don't quote me moment. Sometimes the person we're obsessed obsessed obsessed with isn't actually the person we want. Sometimes we're obsessed with the feeling of finally being chosen or the ups the feelings that that person brings to you. And if that's you, I want you to know you don't have to convince someone to choose you. You don't have to manipulate someone into loving you. And you don't have to chase someone into recognizing your words. The right relationships don't require you to abandon yourself just to keep someone else's. Relationship. So, wrapping this up. Was obsession terrifying? Absolutely. From from the psychological part, it may be even more interesting than the horror, right? Because the movie takes something that can start very innocently. Like I really like this person because Bear did look very innocent and he did look very like lost puppy dog who needs some love. And then Ask what happens when wanting someone becomes needing them though? What happens to the attraction when the attraction becomes fixation? What happens when rejection becomes unbearable? And what happens when we stop respecting other people's autonomy? That's where things get dangerous. And maybe that was the real horror that I saw in this movie. I don't know. If you haven't seen it, I say watch it. If you have seen it, I say go back and look at it from a different perspective and tell me what you think. So with that being said, thank you for hanging out with me for this little therapist reaction. And until next time, take care of yourself. Give yourself some grace. And remember, just because I said it doesn't mean you need to quote me on it.