Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Get Genuine Sexual Performance Feedback From Your Wife

Transcript

How To Get Genuine Sexual Performance Feedback From Your Wife · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to talk
• 0:10
  about how you can get genuine sexual performance feedback from
• 0:13
  your wife, which may sound terrifying.
• 0:16
  But a certainly better than the alternative of not knowing what
• 0:18
  the fuck, she's Thinkin, and we will get to that topic.
• 0:22
  As soon as I tell you to subscribe, the most recent one
• 0:26
  for subscription episodes is why your wife's personality changes
• 0:30
  after kids, for all of those men who have experienced that?
• 0:35
  And don't know why. So, what we want to dive into
• 0:39
  today is this, okay? So the first of all, what do I
• 0:43
  mean by genuine feedback? So plenty of guys say to their
• 0:48
  wife after they have sex they say something like was it good?
• 0:52
  Well, I mean like what's she going to say?
• 0:56
  No. I mean if she says no, Then She
• 0:58
  risks that you're going to be Sookie and depressed and all of
• 1:02
  these different things. So really, it's an encore.
• 1:05
  Question, it's the same kind of question is when she says
• 1:07
  something. Like, do you like this dress and
• 1:11
  like you all aren't going for a photo shoot or anything?
• 1:14
  So why the hell would you say no?
• 1:15
  She's happy about the dress. Seems like she wants you to like
• 1:18
  the dress. So what's it to you?
• 1:20
  If you don't hate the dress, if the dress isn't a flaming
• 1:23
  garbage fire, then you're going to say, yes, I like to dress.
• 1:26
  So this is but with sex it's it's the same, but it's a little
• 1:31
  different even if it's a flaming garbage, fire, she Say that it's
• 1:35
  okay. Because what else is she going
• 1:38
  to say? The very wording of the question
• 1:41
  is so anxious and reassurance seeking that she loves you.
• 1:46
  She cares about you in a situation where it's not your
• 1:49
  wife, that is just one night stands.
• 1:50
  If you've asked your one-night stands, of course, they're all
• 1:52
  going to say yes, what the hell they want to give it to some
• 1:54
  kind of conflict, you know. They're, they're not going to
• 1:57
  like hurt your feelings or just gonna leave but it's very, very,
• 2:03
  it's awkward. It's Not fun.
• 2:06
  It's just like. Who wants to like, say no.
• 2:09
  And that situation when you care about somebody.
• 2:12
  So what the woman usually thinks like a lot of guys think then
• 2:16
  like, okay, well, then that's like a lie and or she doesn't
• 2:20
  really care about our sex life or like, well, she just thinks
• 2:23
  I'm some sort of an idiot. None of that is true.
• 2:25
  It's literally like the dress thing.
• 2:27
  It's like, she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and and keep
• 2:30
  in mind, this is extremely accurate in case you're going to
• 2:34
  be like, yeah, right. She doesn't know how to make it
• 2:37
  better. Most women have had fewer sexual
• 2:40
  partners, then the guy that they marry, it's usually women have
• 2:43
  had on average five and men have had on average seven or
• 2:45
  something total Partners in their lives.
• 2:47
  But among the couples that I see, there's frequently women
• 2:50
  who have had almost none, or just one or two in the man has
• 2:53
  had a few or neither of them had any pretty much before.
• 2:58
  So what the hell does she know? She knows nothing, so if she
• 3:02
  thinks that whatever just happened, maybe Good.
• 3:05
  Do, you know, especially in a situation where she's had an
• 3:09
  orgasm and then if you're like, well, well, well, that it would
• 3:12
  be good. No, no grasshopper.
• 3:15
  That's not accurate. Just because she has an orgasm,
• 3:17
  does that mean it was a good sexual experience if you're a
• 3:19
  woman who can have an orgasm, you can have an orgasm with like
• 3:22
  a man in a coma because, you know, how to have an orgasm.
• 3:26
  So, you know, if you move around the right way and you figure
• 3:28
  shit out, and there's like the way too many people that bring
• 3:32
  the vibrator in, which just obviates the man entirely Then
• 3:35
  she can have an orgasm but it still wasn't a wonderful sexual
• 3:40
  experience, but she doesn't fucking know any different and
• 3:44
  or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
• 3:46
  Usually, it's a combination. She has no idea.
• 3:49
  And I've discussed this a lot that like many women have no
• 3:52
  idea, their full sexual potential.
• 3:54
  I've talked about that on my podcast because they had never
• 3:57
  really thought about it. Sex wasn't a priority Society
• 4:00
  trans women out to be sluts. Not to think about sex, blah,
• 4:03
  blah, blah. But anyway, she doesn't know any
• 4:05
  better. Better and she does want to hurt
• 4:06
  your feelings. So between those two things she
• 4:08
  says it was good, how do you then?
• 4:12
  And then of course you don't improve because you think you
• 4:14
  got it in the bag and then you know your sex life keeps being
• 4:17
  subpar forever. So how can you get positive?
• 4:23
  No, not positive. Certainly not, you don't want to
• 4:25
  get positive feedback if you don't deserve any.
• 4:27
  But how'd you get realistic feedback.
• 4:31
  Genuine authentic feedback from your wife will first of all, you
• 4:34
  can ask any Yes. Or no questions because it's
• 4:37
  only a, yes, or yes. Question.
• 4:38
  Unless the woman is a real bitch, she's not going to say.
• 4:41
  No, I've just went through all the reasons why.
• 4:43
  So, instead you say, how can I get better?
• 4:49
  And she's gonna be like, well, you can, it's fine, everything's
• 4:52
  fine. You be like, okay, well, how can
• 4:56
  I get better at? And then you go through the
• 4:58
  various things that you did. Hopefully, you did at least a
• 5:00
  few things in this encounter, how can I get better at foreplay
• 5:04
  and she'll be like, Like, I don't know.
• 5:06
  Well, sometimes, you know, sometimes like, I just wish you
• 5:10
  wouldn't go so fast. All right, good.
• 5:12
  So you got something to talk about, right?
• 5:14
  How could I do better oral sex? How could I do?
• 5:18
  Do you think that it would be better if we tried different
• 5:23
  position? She's gonna say no, it's fine.
• 5:25
  So listen, she didn't say no, it's fine.
• 5:27
  No, it's fine. Is a non-answer.
• 5:28
  That doesn't mean you ignore that answer.
• 5:31
  If believe me if the sexual experience was transformative,
• 5:34
  she wouldn't No, it's fine. And, you know, this in your
• 5:38
  heart, you just trying to pretend that, that it's been
• 5:41
  different than what your common sense is telling you.
• 5:43
  If it was amazing, she would be like, no, I can't.
• 5:47
  It's a man. It's amazing.
• 5:48
  I can't imagine it being any better and like if she says
• 5:52
  that, then you're within your rights to rest on your laurels
• 5:56
  and really, you know, break out some champagne.
• 5:59
  But if she's like, no, it's fine and then especially she's like,
• 6:02
  listen, I don't know what you want from me.
• 6:04
  It's fine or even When I got off, it's fine then it's not
• 6:07
  really that great. She just doesn't know how to
• 6:10
  make it better and or she doesn't think it's possible for
• 6:12
  it to be better. Not because it's so amazing.
• 6:14
  But because, literally, she does not know how it could be
• 6:18
  possible for sex to be really enjoyable, because she's not had
• 6:22
  much experience with that, including with you, and this is
• 6:24
  not your fault by the way, none of this is your fault because
• 6:27
  you haven't been trained by this individual woman.
• 6:29
  As I've discussed Myriad times, every woman is different.
• 6:32
  Her body is different than make the mistake.
• 6:34
  They think you Come into a sexual encounter with this, you
• 6:37
  know, amount like in a video game, you have like sexual
• 6:41
  prowess 100, you know, and and then you're just great in bed.
• 6:46
  Then inaccurate every woman is different.
• 6:49
  And every woman has different desires and preferences and so
• 6:53
  if she hasn't told you anything, how could you be good?
• 6:55
  So no. Shame in your game here but you
• 6:59
  got to try different things if she keeps saying no no it's okay
• 7:03
  no, it's okay. Some women if You ask them.
• 7:06
  What can I do? Different show me something I
• 7:09
  can do different. I've written a post called show
• 7:11
  me or the words to unlock your wife sexual potential.
• 7:14
  But if you say, show me what, you could be different.
• 7:17
  What have you liked before? Remember, I told you it's
• 7:21
  important to talk about past sexual experience so that it
• 7:24
  doesn't bite you in the ass later on.
• 7:26
  When you somehow assume your wife's only been with you, turns
• 7:29
  out, she's not only been with you or whatever else you got to
• 7:34
  ask this. The same tenacity as you do
• 7:37
  other things in your life, not all at the same time.
• 7:40
  I mean, you don't shine a Searchlight on her after sex and
• 7:43
  say, show me exactly what I should do differently with my
• 7:45
  hand. No, but in every encounter,
• 7:48
  there should be some kind of you trying something else and seeing
• 7:52
  how she responds even if she says it's fine, especially if
• 7:56
  she says it's fine and stop, ask do never ask her again, was it
• 8:00
  okay? You could say, did you come?
• 8:03
  Because I can give you use Full information.
• 8:06
  Hopefully she will at some point say no.
• 8:09
  So then you can learn that men. Don't always know because that's
• 8:13
  like a terribly pernicious myth. Is that men can always tell men
• 8:18
  can't always tell obviously seen and Harry Met Sally.
• 8:22
  When Harry Met Sally, and every bit of being a human female that
• 8:27
  talks to other human. Females in there was something
• 8:29
  some statistic I read the other. I don't know when but I was like
• 8:33
  so it's like 80% of women have faked an orgasm.
• 8:35
  Some for sure women have faked orgasms with you.
• 8:39
  I mean you know it's like that should not be like a massive
• 8:42
  shock. Like there are many men that
• 8:45
  have faked orgasms to and you may be among them because people
• 8:48
  just can't always come if they're drunk if they're
• 8:50
  whatever, whatever and nobody wants to hurt anybody's
• 8:53
  feelings. So you need to be asking with
• 8:56
  more creativity. You need to be trying other
• 8:59
  things in bed, and assessing different reactions.
• 9:03
  You need to give actual All options.
• 9:06
  Like, do you like it better when I use my fingers or you when I
• 9:09
  use my mouth there? Bam, she can't say fine, like
• 9:13
  that would not be a logical answer.
• 9:16
  She would fail that portion of the multiple choice test.
• 9:18
  She has to say an answer. So, then you already have new
• 9:22
  information. Do you like it better with the
• 9:23
  lights on or off? Do you like wearing lingerie?
• 9:26
  I bought you, or do you not? Do you like if I touch your
• 9:29
  breasts or do not? I mean like it's that you can
• 9:32
  ask these kinds of things or you can just try If she's really
• 9:36
  doesn't want to open up her mouth at all, could she feel so
• 9:38
  awkward? Then you can just try different
• 9:40
  things and see a response. But if you were dating somebody,
• 9:43
  if this is your wife, okay, but if you are dating, somebody who
• 9:46
  does not open up their mouth to talk about their sexual
• 9:48
  preferences and you are somebody with a high libido, do not marry
• 9:51
  this person because you are never going to be happy because
• 9:55
  if they won't talk about sex in the honeymoon phase of dating
• 9:57
  you, they will not talk about sex later on and they do not
• 10:00
  ever want to talk about sex because they feel uncomfortable
• 10:03
  about sex. So this is a way Warning sign
• 10:06
  red flag for somebody who is not really that into sex is that
• 10:08
  they will never talk about sex even down to refusing to answer
• 10:11
  questions. You don't need this.
• 10:13
  You can be with somebody who is more sexually open anyway, so
• 10:18
  you're asking for your feedback or you're trying new things or
• 10:22
  you're giving them questions with two options or more and
• 10:27
  then you should also say, tell me what you think about when you
• 10:30
  masturbate, not if you masturbate that do you
• 10:34
  masturbate? Eight.
• 10:35
  Because then if you know, she may feel like you're expecting
• 10:38
  her to say no or something, just assumed, she masturbates.
• 10:41
  Now, keep in mind, this is like kind of, she may not masturbate
• 10:47
  so she knows how to say that by the way as a response, I don't
• 10:50
  masturbate. And then most guys think the
• 10:52
  woman's lying she's not lying. She's usually not lying.
• 10:55
  Because if you say something like, how many times do we do
• 10:57
  masturbate? Then and she says, you know, I
• 11:02
  don't masturbate. It's probable that she doesn't
• 11:05
  Masturbate, because you gave a real non-judgmental.
• 11:09
  So, softball opening where it's obvious that you assume that she
• 11:12
  does and you're asking how frequently she does.
• 11:15
  And so if she says, she doesn't that she does it, I've talked
• 11:18
  about this before, many low libido women, and or women that
• 11:21
  were trained to think that sex is bad, do not.
• 11:23
  In fact, masturbate men think that they're lying, they're not
• 11:26
  lying. They don't masturbate, you know,
• 11:28
  they just don't, they never occurred to them at something
• 11:30
  that one would do and so they don't do it and they think about
• 11:34
  it the way that you think about. Writing a love poem, like
• 11:36
  something that's out of some form of media, not something
• 11:39
  that's in reality but you can and should ask what they think
• 11:43
  about when they masturbate. What their sexual fantasies are.
• 11:47
  Not whether they have any, don't do these yes/no questions,
• 11:51
  because with the yes/no questions, the woman might think
• 11:54
  that you are hoping the answer is no.
• 11:57
  So if she's trained to be very shy around and close off around
• 12:01
  sex anyway, then she's probably just going to say.
• 12:03
  No, if It's like a yes/no question, so don't accept the
• 12:08
  one about whether she liked it. Then she'll always say, yes.
• 12:11
  But if you say, do you masturbate, she'll say no.
• 12:13
  Do you have fantasies? No.
• 12:15
  Do you want more sex? No, do you know, whatever,
• 12:17
  whatever. So, what are you really getting
• 12:20
  from this as an overarching theme of how to interact better
• 12:26
  with your sexual partner its openness to feedback?
• 12:30
  So a guy is like, oh do you like it better or when I use my hands
• 12:33
  or when I use my hands or when I use Mouth is so different than a
• 12:38
  guy who's like that was without that was good right you came
• 12:42
  right? Don't ever be that guy, don't be
• 12:45
  mad number 2 because a it's Preposterous to assume that such
• 12:50
  an anxious lead-up would allow anybody to be honest.
• 12:53
  It's not real and B. It makes you look so so anxious.
• 12:58
  And it's hard to be sexually open and comfortable around
• 13:02
  somebody who's so anxious. So, what the A woman learns from
• 13:05
  that. It was.
• 13:06
  Okay, right? It was good, right?
• 13:08
  That's as bad as. When during sex, the gods are
• 13:10
  like, are you okay? Like like, I am I hurting you?
• 13:13
  That's a big one. Am I hurting you?
• 13:15
  Like, I sold a woman. Wouldn't be able to say you're
• 13:18
  hurting me. You know, women are not rendered
• 13:21
  mute by a penis. So, you know, if you constantly
• 13:25
  say to him and stuff, like Ru her, am I hurting you?
• 13:27
  Are you okay? Was that good?
• 13:29
  Was it okay? Am I okay.
• 13:31
  Did you come did, you did? No, stop.
• 13:34
  Don't do that. That does not get you any good
• 13:36
  information. So it's useless and all it does
• 13:39
  is kind of project. This are of real insecurity and
• 13:43
  anxiety, which you know, is a turn-off.
• 13:47
  But even more important than it being a turn-off, is that it
• 13:50
  shows the woman that this is not a safe space to be open about
• 13:54
  feedback and then you are winning the Battle of making
• 13:58
  sure that you don't feel bad about your performance that
• 14:01
  minute what you might if, you know, if she said something.
• 14:05
  Thing, like you say, do you did you come from me going down and
• 14:09
  you and she says, no, yeah, well, I mean, you'll feel bad in
• 14:12
  that minute but long term, then you would feel a lot better
• 14:17
  because you would learn how to go down on her so that she has
• 14:19
  an orgasm, which is the point. And so you would have learned
• 14:24
  something and that should overall make your relationship
• 14:26
  better and closer at cetera. So you always want to project an
• 14:30
  air and you may have to fake it till you make it.
• 14:33
  But you always want to project an air of Open-mindedness
• 14:36
  receptivity to feedback and you want to set the questions up so
• 14:40
  that the woman actually has a good chance of telling you the
• 14:43
  truth because you are literally saying, do you like this or this
• 14:50
  implies that? There is something that you
• 14:51
  don't like as much. But you are just such a
• 14:54
  confident man about town that you don't care.
• 14:56
  Hearing about things, she doesn't like as much because you
• 14:58
  are committed to her sexual satisfaction so you would rather
• 15:01
  to hear anything bad then to have her go through.
• 15:05
  Another subpar sexual experience so it takes a lot of work and
• 15:09
  for many therapy to engage in this way.
• 15:13
  Because if you are naturally, extremely, anxious and insecure
• 15:16
  about your performance, it will be a real leap to be able to
• 15:21
  project an air of confidence. However, net-net eventually
• 15:26
  you're going to grow a lot more confident by seeing that the
• 15:29
  world doesn't end if she says. No, I didn't come, you know, and
• 15:35
  And and it's funny this to think about it because in the moment
• 15:39
  it seems like, oh my God! Oh my God!
• 15:41
  Oh my God, like it would be so terrible.
• 15:42
  But then long-term this is like the most useful information you
• 15:47
  could possibly get. So it seems if you think about
• 15:50
  it so illogical that you would be so scared of getting that
• 15:53
  feedback. What you want to be scared of is
• 15:56
  being thought of as a sexy as a selfish and anxious partner like
• 16:01
  that's way worse and that kind of ensures that that she's never
• 16:05
  going to enjoy sex. So, what we really want to focus
• 16:11
  on when you're doing this is also if you've never talked to
• 16:14
  your wife before in bed because you've been too anxious to even
• 16:18
  solicit the type of feedback that I say is useless, you know,
• 16:21
  did you come or whatever then she may be like what are you
• 16:25
  asking me for? And in that case you say, cuz I
• 16:28
  want things to be better I, you know, have noticed that you are
• 16:32
  not like over the top of these. Yes you can.
• 16:35
  Having sex with me. And so I want these to be better
• 16:38
  for you. It's occurred to me that I
• 16:39
  haven't really asked for a lot of feedback.
• 16:41
  So I really want to know what you're thinking.
• 16:43
  I want to be a better partner for you.
• 16:45
  I want to give you a good experience.
• 16:49
  So the what would be wrong with that?
• 16:51
  There's no woman that would judge that.
• 16:53
  That is a positive thing overall.
• 16:56
  And the only thing that she might think about is what the
• 16:58
  hell happened to him. And if she says, what the hell
• 17:01
  happened to you that now, you're thinking like this, you say very
• 17:04
  honestly is I always tell you to say, I've been researching stuff
• 17:07
  and it's occurred to me from you know, researching stuff that
• 17:11
  women have brains and they're thinking things that I may not
• 17:14
  know about. And so therefore that was an
• 17:16
  epiphany and now I'm asking you about it, you know, not fully,
• 17:19
  that's not a full Epiphany that women have brains, but you're
• 17:21
  really wouldn't know that from talking to the average guy about
• 17:24
  his sex life because he tends to think that.
• 17:27
  However, he's feeling in bed is how she's feeling in bed and
• 17:32
  nothing could be further from the truth.
• 17:34
  Because People are different in their own bodies and their own
• 17:38
  brains. And a guy could think that the
• 17:40
  sex life is pretty, okay? And the woman could think the
• 17:43
  sex life is crap. And or, I've also seen the
• 17:46
  opposite where a guy is super worried about something like
• 17:50
  coming too quick or something and the woman thinks
• 17:52
  everything's fine. So in that regard, you would be
• 17:55
  in a situation where she's like um, yeah.
• 17:58
  I mean every I can't I don't really know if I would like this
• 18:01
  or that better. I mean we could try.
• 18:03
  I really like what we do. And then you would say, Well
• 18:05
  then why don't you want to have sex with me more?
• 18:07
  And she would be like, I have apparently, no sex drive at all.
• 18:10
  And so I'm trying to get in the mood when I can and sorry.
• 18:13
  But like I have, you know, I don't think sex is bad.
• 18:17
  I actually really liked it and I and then I specifically like
• 18:20
  this or this, so that would be a great outcome to happen and that
• 18:24
  is an outcome. That is feasible in that I've
• 18:26
  seen in my office where women are like, no, I mean it is
• 18:29
  really good, like he is really good in bed and bed isn't.
• 18:31
  His problem is problem is this personality, you know, so Could
• 18:35
  be other problems but at least then you would be reassured that
• 18:37
  the problem is not your penis or what you do with it.
• 18:40
  But you know, you as a man we should gotta be really
• 18:44
  reassuring. All right?
• 18:46
  So hopefully you got something out of this and you have at
• 18:48
  least a pep talk to put some pep in your step, where you then can
• 18:52
  get out of your comfort zone and ask more, Salient useful
• 18:58
  feedback. Getting questions with the
• 19:01
  overarching, goal of having a deeper and more More meaningful
• 19:05
  and authentic Connection in bed and out of bed.
• 19:08
  Alright, have a great day everybody.