Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / When Word Hurt Part 2: Healing, Triggers, and Choosing Yourself

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When Word Hurt Part 2: Healing, Triggers, and Choosing Yourself · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

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  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
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  But what happens when the words you thought you healed from suddenly show up again?
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  Hey, it's Markita, and welcome back to Living Deeply podcast,
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  where we talk about what it means to feel deeply, heal deeply, and live deeply.
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  In part one of When Words Hurt, I talked about the science behind why words
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  can affect us so deeply, Especially when those words are connected to verbal
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  abuse, rejection, humiliation, or emotional harm.
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  But today I want to talk that conversation somewhere different.
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  Because there's something that can happen after you remove yourself from an
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  unhealthy environment.
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  You heal, you rebuild, you experience peace.
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  Maybe years pass and then suddenly somebody speaks to you in a way that feels
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  so familiar. Maybe it's yelling.
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  Maybe it's insults. Maybe it's contempt.
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  Maybe it's somebody attacking your character instead of addressing the actual
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  issue and suddenly you're having a reaction you didn't expect.
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  That's what I want to talk about today. Because sometimes experiencing verbal
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  abuse after you've healed and after you've known peace, it can hit real different,
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  than it did before you were living it in every day.
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  You can get used to surviving something. And that's one of the strangest things
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  about living in an unhealthy environment.
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  Eventually, you can become accustomed to functioning inside of it.
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  That doesn't mean it stops hurting.
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  It means that life keeps going. You still have to work. You still have to parent.
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  You still have responsibilities.
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  You still have to get up the next morning.
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  So you adapt. You might learn when to stay quiet. You may learn what subjects to avoid.
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  And you might recognize the change in someone's voice that tells you an argument is coming.
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  You might become extremely good at reading the room. You might even start believing.
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  Maybe this is just how relationships are.
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  And when you're surviving something every day, sometimes you don't have the
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  space to fully understand what it's doing to you. You're too busy surviving it.
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  And then you experience peace. You leave that environment and something changes.
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  At first, peace can actually feel strange.
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  You're waiting for the argument that doesn't happen. You're anticipating criticism that never comes.
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  You're preparing to defend yourself when no one is even attacking you.
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  But eventually, your body begins adjusting. You learn.
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  I don't have to live on God all the time.
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  You start experiencing relationships where disagreements don't automatically turn into disrespect.
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  You learn that somebody can be upset with you and still speak to you like a human being.
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  You discover that conflict can end with understanding instead of destruction,
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  and slowly that becomes your new normal.
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  Peace starts to feel familiar. Respect becomes familiar.
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  Emotional safety becomes familiar, and that's when something interesting can start to happen.
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  When the old behavior shows up again, you encounter something that you haven't
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  experienced in a very long time.
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  Someone screams at you, calls you a name, someone attacks your character.
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  Someone uses content.
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  Someone mocks your emotions. Someone tells you you're crazy,
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  unstable, dramatic, or too sensitive because of how you're responding to the
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  way they're treating you.
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  And your body reacts immediately. Maybe your heart races. Maybe you shake.
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  Maybe you cry. and maybe you freeze and maybe your mind goes completely blank.
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  Maybe you feel an overwhelming need to leave or hang up the phone and you might
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  think, why is this affecting me so much? I've done so much healing.
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  Why am I reacting like this?
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  But here's the question I've had
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  to ask myself. What if the reaction isn't evidence that I haven't healed?
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  What if healing is a part of the reason I recognize this so quickly now.
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  Healing doesn't erase recognition.
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  It doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. It doesn't mean your brain wipes away
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  every painful experience from its memory.
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  Your brain learns association. It remembers pattern.
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  Tone can become meaningful. Certain phrases can become meaningful.
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  Certain behaviors can become meaningful.
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  And when something in the present resembles something from the past and it's
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  painful, your brain may recognize that similarity very quickly.
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  That doesn't automatically mean the present situation is identical to the past.
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  And it doesn't mean every uncomfortable interaction is abuse,
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  but it does mean your history can influence what your nervous system notices.
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  That's why I think the goal shouldn't always be, how do I stop reacting?
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  Sometimes the better question is, what am I reacting to?
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  Your body may notice before your mind does. I can intellectually tell myself
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  I'm okay. This is the past.
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  I'm not trapped. I have choices, but my body may have already responded.
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  My heart is beating faster. My stomach is tight. My muscles are tense.
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  I'm fighting tears. I want to leave or I want to hang up that phone.
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  And that's because conscious reasoning isn't the only system involved in emotional
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  responses, our brains are constantly evaluating what's happening around us.
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  Sometimes the process happens faster than the story we're constantly telling ourselves.
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  That's why regulation matters. I don't necessarily need to make a major decision
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  in the middle of that activation.
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  I can create distance. I can breathe. I can walk away.
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  I can allow my body to settle and then I can ask myself, what actually happened?
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  What part belongs to the present? What part reminds me of the past?
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  And what boundary do I need now?
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  Maybe your tolerance has changed. And this has been one of the biggest realizations for me.
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  Sometimes we think healing should make us capable of tolerating more.
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  I don't necessarily believe that anymore. Maybe healing makes you willing to tolerate less.
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  Think about that. I've spent years around screaming. Screaming might have felt normal.
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  Then you spend years around people who don't scream at you. Suddenly screaming feels shocking.
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  Did you become weaker or did your definition of normal change?
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  If you spent years being insulted, you may have learned how to absorb the insults and keep going.
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  Then you build relationships with people who don't insult you.
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  Now somebody calls you a name and everything inside of you says,
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  no, I'm not doing this again.
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  That's not necessarily regression. Sometimes that's discernment.
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  Peace can raise your standards. Once you have experienced emotional safety,
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  it's difficult to convince yourself that chaos is normal.
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  Once you've experienced respectful communication, disrespect becomes easier to recognize.
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  Once you have learned that disagreement does not require humiliation,
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  you become less willing to accept humiliation as a part of conflict.
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  That's one of the things that healing can do. it can change your standards.
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  And sometimes people who were comfortable with a version of you who tolerated
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  everything won't understand the version of you who doesn't.
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  They may say you've changed and maybe you have. Emotional sensitivity doesn't
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  disappear because you've healed.
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  I am emotionally sensitive and healing doesn't make me stop being emotionally sensitive.
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  I don't want that. I don't want it to change me.
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  I notice tone. I notice energy shifts.
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  I notice changes in people's behaviors and I feel things deeply.
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  So when somebody communicates with me aggressively, I may experience that interaction
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  intensely, but sensitivity and instability are not synonyms.
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  If you think so, look it up.
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  My emotional response doesn't automatically determine whether my perception is right or wrong.
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  That's why I can acknowledge this affected me deeply and still ask what objectively happened.
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  That's an important distinction. I don't have to distrust every emotion I experience
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  and I don't have to treat every emotion as unquestionable proof either.
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  I can feel deeply and still evaluate thoughtfully.
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  I don't have to prove my healing by staying in the situation.
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  And this is one of the biggest differences between who I was and who I am now
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  I don't have to stay in that conversation I don't have to keep explaining myself
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  while someone is yelling And I don't have to convince someone,
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  that their words hurt me before I'm allowed to create distance.
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  I don't have to stay in there absorbing it, disrespect, just to prove that I'm strong.
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  I can say, I want to have this conversation, but I'm not having it like this.
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  Or I'm going to step away and we can revisit this when we're both able to communicate respectfully.
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  And sometimes I can say, this conversation is over.
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  That's an option too.
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  A trigger can become information.
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  I don't want to spend my life terrified of being triggered.
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  I want to understand what my reactions are telling me.
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  A reaction can become an invitation to investigate what's actually going on.
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  Why did that affect me? Was it the words? Was it the tone? Was it the person?
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  Was it something that reminded me of my past?
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  Was an actual boundary crossed? Do I need reassurance? Do I need distance?
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  Do I need to communicate differently? Or do I need to reconsider someone's access to me?
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  Those questions give me agency because now I'm not simply reacting,
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  I'm listening to myself.
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  Healing doesn't necessarily always look like not being affected.
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  I think we sometimes imagine the ultimate version of healing as nothing bothers
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  me anymore. Nobody can hurt me. I don't react. I don't cry.
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  I don't care. But that's not necessarily healing.
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  That can also look like a lot of emotional numbness. And my goal isn't to become
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  someone who can't be hurt.
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  My goal is to become someone who knows what to do when I'm hurt.
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  Someone who knows how to regulate. Someone who knows how to set boundaries.
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  Someone who knows when something deserves a conversation and when something deserves distance.
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  I want to be someone who doesn't abandon herself just because another person
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  is upset. And that's a very different definition of healing.
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  You don't live there anymore. So if you've gotten away from verbal abuse,
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  rebuilt yourself, found peace, and then suddenly encountered something that
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  brought those feelings rushing back, I want you to remember this.
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  You aren't necessarily back where you started. You're standing in a different place now.
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  You have information you didn't have before. You have boundaries that you didn't
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  have before. And you know what peace feels like now.
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  You know what emotional safety feels like. And most importantly,
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  you know that you now have choices. You don't have to live there anymore.
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  You don't have to normalize it.
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  You don't have to prove that you can withstand whatever's thrown at you.
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  And you don't have to become numb just to call yourself healed because sometimes
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  healing sounds like I recognize this, I've experienced this before,
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  and this time I get to choose what happens next.
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  If you listen to part one of When Words Hurt and the science behind it,
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  if you haven't listened to it, start there.
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  I break down the science behind why verbal and emotional pain can affect the
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  brain and the body so deeply,
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  then come back to this episode and think about what healing has changed for
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  you, not only in how you feel, but in what you're willing to accept.
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  You can find more episodes of the Living Deeply podcast at livingdeeplypodcast.com.
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  And if you're navigating change, rebuilding boundaries, choosing yourself and
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  learning how to live more authentically, you can connect with me to learn about
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  my work at itsmarkita.com.
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  If you're a woman and you're looking for community and meaningful connection
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  with other women navigating through growth, identity, relationships,
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  and life, you can join us at Thriven Humans at ThrivenHumans.com.
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  This is Markita and you've been listening to the Living Deeply podcast.
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  You don't have to prove you've healed by tolerating what once hurt you.
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  Sometimes healing means you recognize it sooner.
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  You chose yourself sooner. You walked away sooner.
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  And until next time, keep choosing yourself, protecting your peace, and living deeply.