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72: You Can't Shame Yourself Into Change · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey, I just want to give you an update.
• 0:01
  Alan and I are in the process of recording a series and because
• 0:04
  about the intensives that we're holding, we haven't got a chance
• 0:07
  to record the final one. So if you're wondering where
• 0:09
  that is, it's soon to come. So thanks for your patience and
• 0:12
  waiting for it. When we jump right into it, I
• 0:15
  still remember one of our D days and I specifically remember
• 0:19
  where I was sitting and what was happening and my partner was
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  really upset. Alan was really upset.
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  I can remember the pain in her voice and the confusion, but I
• 0:28
  wrote a one point in the conversation.
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  She said, can you pull yourself together so I can actually share
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  how I feel? You're so busy being upset with
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  yourself that I don't even get a chance to share how I feel.
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  I remember being shocked by that.
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  I was like, wait, hold on. Like I thought you want me to
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  hear me say how bad I am and how crappy I am and all the choices
• 0:53
  that I've made or even just probably, if I can think back
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  about my style, I would have kind of been self loathing.
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  There's a lot of shame shut down, not really accessible by
• 1:02
  her. And and then when I would talk,
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  it would be a lot of, you know, horrible.
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  And I just, I think back now and I go, I was really hijacked at
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  that moment because I was so absorbed with my own self
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  disgust that I couldn't be present with my partner's pain.
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  And that's what shame does. It blocks that connection.
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  So that's what we're going to get in today.
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  So as we talked about this concept, what I want to say is a
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  sense of half of the listeners is the betrayed partner.
• 1:32
  I just want to say when I talk about self compassion, we're not
• 1:34
  talking about a lack of accountability or somebody
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  getting off the hook. I mean, it's kind of the same
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  thing through self compassion, there can be accountability and
• 1:43
  there can be transparency, but it can't go without it.
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  So I just want to acknowledge the fact that it can be scary to
• 1:50
  when we talk about self compassion with maybe the person
• 1:52
  that hurt you and going like that's the last thing they need
• 1:55
  is some compassion. I just want to validate that and
• 1:57
  say that all makes all the sense in the world.
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  And self compassion is not about letting somebody off the hook
• 2:03
  because we want that person to have empathy.
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  We want them to be able to show up and hear your pain.
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  So anyway, just kind of keep that in mind as we go through
• 2:10
  it. And obviously all your follow up
• 2:12
  questions that you sent to us so we can talk about in this
• 2:14
  podcast are great. When it's something just doesn't
• 2:16
  hit right, we want to talk about it.
• 2:19
  I'm speaking to Betrayed Partner.
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  Obviously this is what we're going to talk about today, which
• 2:23
  is really why you can't shame yourself into change.
• 2:27
  And it's going to be our version of the self compassion piece.
• 2:31
  OK, so let's jump into it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
• 2:38
  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 2:40
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
• 2:42
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 2:45
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
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  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 2:51
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 2:54
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 2:57
  that our life. Has to offer.
• 2:58
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 3:01
  regular listener, know this what you're building here.
• 3:04
  Goes beyond a conversation you're here to.
• 3:06
  Challenge to change and to celebrate the incredible journey
• 3:09
  of becoming your authentic self. Because when you dare to.
• 3:12
  Show up fully. The rewards are immeasurable.
• 3:15
  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
• 3:19
  Let's talk about a couple myths to start off with when it comes
• 3:23
  to self compassion. First myth is if I'm harder on
• 3:26
  myself, I'll change faster. So here's the truth, self
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  compassion and doesn't slow down growth.
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  It's going to create the safety needed for it.
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  All right. So men in recovery often mistake
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  compassion with excuses. They think that if I have self
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  condemnation, it's going to equal out accountability.
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  So if I focus on myself being a piece of crap, that's
• 3:47
  accountability, right? But it's not that self
• 3:51
  punishment that's going to keep our nervous system locked in
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  fight, flight or freeze. And I want to say, I don't know
• 3:59
  if this is actually accurate, but it feels accurate mostly
• 4:01
  that shut down Free State, shutting down the very parts of
• 4:06
  those that are brains, make empathy possible, make empathy
• 4:10
  and learning possible. So compassion, like it's not a
• 4:14
  free pass. So I just want to be really,
• 4:17
  really clear with that. It's the courage to be able to
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  stay present with with your pain long enough to create some
• 4:22
  transformation. There's a a researcher out there
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  and her name is Kristen Neff and she talks about self compassion
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  involving 3 things. She talks about self kindness,
• 4:34
  common humanity and mindfulness. And I don't know all of her work
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  really well, but I think she's right.
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  When I'm in there in my journey and I meet my pain, but I do it
• 4:44
  with kindness. What it tends to be is I have I
• 4:48
  end of humanity and it comes into existence and I remember
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  that I'm not alone in this. And this is where I think groups
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  really come into play, especially the men that are
• 4:58
  adverse or don't want to do groups or don't like to do
• 5:01
  groups. And they're just like, I don't
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  want, nobody needs to really hear what my stuff is.
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  It's just mine or that's a tough experience.
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  I don't really want it. It makes me uncomfortable or
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  those guys are different than me, all that stuff.
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  But the humanity of what this experiences and being able to
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  stay mindful of what's happening, that's when the real
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  change starts to begin. This researcher named Kristin
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  Neff, she talks about self compassion involving 3 things,
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  self kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
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  So I think she's right. When I meet my pain with
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  kindness and I remember I'm not alone and I stay mindful of
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  what's happening, that's when the real change begins.
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  OK, so there's that myth. If I'm harder on myself, I'll
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  change faster. It's not even true.
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  It's not even true. The myth, another myth here you
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  go is if I punish myself enough, I'll be good, right?
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  If I just beat myself down enough, Truth is shame doesn't
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  purify, it paralyzes. Let me say that one more time.
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  Shame doesn't purify, it paralyzes and not, my gosh,
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  that's what I think of. I think about when I'm tackled
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  with shame, I'm stuck like I'm, I'm not connected, right?
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  And that doesn't help. And so let's talk about shame a
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  little bit more. What does shame do?
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  Shame convinces us that we're doing something right by beating
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  ourselves up, but it's actually like super self-centered because
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  it keeps us focused in Word instead of outward.
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  We just think about that like the shame keeps us focused on
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  ourselves. We can't see our partner, so
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  we're just against more on that selfish mindset.
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  But it feels so right in that moment.
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  It feels so right to be knocking ourselves down, but it
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  completely blocks empathy because when I'm drowning in
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  that shame, I can't hear the person that I've hurt.
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  I can't. I hear their stories.
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  I can't hear their impact. I can't get curious about what's
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  going on with them. That story that I told earlier
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  that applies because that lived example of shame silencing my
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  ability to build space for them really matters.
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  So that's self loathing. It doesn't help me and it blocks
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  me. All right, let's talk about the
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  next myth, the myth that self compassion means letting
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  yourself off the hook. And that's what I was talking
• 7:20
  about partners earlier, but let's go into a little bit more.
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  OK, so if the myth is self compassion means letting
• 7:25
  yourself off the hook, truth, what is that?
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  Compassion and accountability can exist in the same breath.
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  Compassion and accountability can exist in same breath.
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  What does that look like? Now let's talk about it.
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  So what is compassion? It's not minimizing the harm,
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  OK? It's actually acknowledging
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  without collapsing and a bunch of self hatred.
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  OK, so true compassion says I can face what I did and still
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  believe I'm capable of repair. OK, Wow.
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  Does that feel impossible sometimes?
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  Does that feel impossible? So it's not a pass to avoid
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  somebody's pain or the destruction you've caused, but
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  in fact it's actually what makes you be able to stay present with
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  that person in pain instead of disappearing into yours.
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  You don't get off the hook. So there is this opportunity
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  when I show up with self compassion and I normalize is a
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  word that I really, really value.
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  But it can sound like letting yourself off the hook when we
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  normalize our experience with shame that we go, OK, I'm
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  experiencing some shame. That's not abnormal.
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  That shame is trying to keep me connected to my community.
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  Thank you. Shame.
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  Appreciate you showing up if you'd run the show right now.
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  That means I won't be able to be to connect to the people I love.
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  That means I won't be able to show up and acknowledge the
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  wounds and start to attempt to repair the rupture.
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  So let's just notice that there's a lot of self compassion
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  by showing up and humanizing myself without letting go of the
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  accountability. OK, let's talk about what self
• 9:00
  compassion looks like in recovery.
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  So, so we had some examples there, but let me share some
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  more with you. And these are the ones that kind
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  of make me want to cry every single time I watch it show up
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  and watch it happen. And I recognize I'm not the
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  person that got hurt. But when a guy slips and he
• 9:18
  chooses to come forward instead of hiding, that's compassion,
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  OK? Because he's choosing honesty
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  over like how people perceive him.
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  He's choosing that with the connection, like over the
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  control. Another example is when somebody
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  feels shame, like I could think about the group setting when he
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  feels shame and goes, man, I just slipped, or I just had a
• 9:42
  close call, or I just showed up like I didn't want to, and he
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  shows up in Group and he's able to talk about it.
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  That's compassion. Because he's saying.
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  Wow, this is like what he says in that moment when he shows up
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  as he says, I'm worth fighting for even if I don't feel like
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  it. So there's that self respect,
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  but it's self compassion that exists and showing up.
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  Like how much strength is that? So much strength.
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  So another example is when when a person replaces the words I'm
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  a failure with I'm learning, you know, I instead of I'm, I'm a
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  mess up. Is is this is my experience to
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  take an opportunity to grow. That's compassion because that's
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  a shift that invites growth instead of that punishment.
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  So what would you not recognize as self compassion?
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  Think about it like a garden. OK, so self compassion is like a
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  garden and it's soil where the accountability and it can
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  actually grow. So I have to prepare that
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  garden. I have to consider what it looks
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  like so something new can take root, right?
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  So I don't have those things like guilt and fear taken root
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  or the shame, but I have the things that take root that allow
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  me to lean into responsibility. All right, so there's my
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  thoughts on self compassion. Appreciate the thousands of
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  examples that I've experienced over time watching other people
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  lean into it. So just take a chance to.
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  Reflect, reflect on is, does shame close you off?
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  How much compassion exists for you?
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  Does it do you end up opening up?
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  And what's the connection? Maybe where you've identified
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  self compassion or maybe it's like a little bit misunderstood.
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  So anyway, appreciate spending time with you.
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  Thoughts. Questions.
• 11:23
  Send them our way and we will talk to you soon.
• 11:27
  If you've been through betrayal, you know it's more than
• 11:29
  heartbreak. It can shake your sense of
• 11:32
  safety, trust, and even your connection to yourself.
• 11:36
  That's why we created the Courage to Thrive Intensive, a
• 11:39
  four day betrayal trauma Intensive happening October 14th
• 11:43
  through the 17th and Spanish Fork, UT.
• 11:46
  In this safe and supportive space, you'll learn how betrayal
• 11:49
  impacts your body, discover ways to create safety within, gain
• 11:54
  tools to manage triggers, and set healthy boundaries through
• 11:58
  experiential activities, somatic interventions, and practical
• 12:01
  tools. You'll leave with hope, clarity
• 12:04
  and the courage to stepforwardinyourhealinglearnmore@chooserecoveryservices.com/intensives
• 12:11
  or click the link in the show notes.
• 12:16
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 12:18
  If this is something that you. Connected with I'd love to meet
• 12:21
  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
• 12:23
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
• 12:27
  what we can do is set up a quick.
• 12:28
  Conversation. Thanks so much for listening to
• 12:31
  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic cell.