Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Physical Touch Love Language Is NOT The Same Thing As "Sex Drive"!

Transcript

Physical Touch Love Language Is NOT The Same Thing As "Sex Drive"! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today we're going to talk about
• 0:10
  the difference between a high sex drive and a physical touch
• 0:13
  love language. A lot of people need
• 0:15
  clarification on certain points, especially your learning and tie
• 0:18
  or New Concept sometimes hopefully in this podcast.
• 0:22
  And so you know you don't get to just stop me and ask questions
• 0:26
  like you would if we were working together so periodically
• 0:30
  I realized that enough people kind of like you know need a
• 0:34
  little bit Bit of clarification on something that then I do a
• 0:36
  new podcast on. Okay?
• 0:38
  So before that please do subscribe, the most recent
• 0:41
  subscriber episode was on your dysfunctional family.
• 0:44
  So if you have one or if you don't think you have one, that's
• 0:46
  actually what it's about is, you know, do you really have a
• 0:50
  dysfunctional family or not pretty much?
• 0:53
  I mean, it's more than that I really is.
• 0:57
  So and I talked about these upcoming episodes and every
• 1:00
  podcast is really, you know, gets to be a little bit, you
• 1:04
  know, of Monotony for me. But for you, what you should
• 1:08
  just do is subscribe and then you could hear the damn thing
• 1:11
  instead of me summarize to get it a different way at the
• 1:14
  beginning of every episode, 45 episodes.
• 1:18
  Okay? So what are we talking about in
• 1:20
  terms of a physical touch, love language.
• 1:22
  These people are cuddly. I had to cuddly babies in one,
• 1:25
  not cuddly. They come out cuddly, literally
• 1:28
  out of the womb. Pretty much they either like to
• 1:31
  cuddle or they don't like this is like a thing.
• 1:34
  NG and then, you know, so people will say so funny my own son,
• 1:39
  said to me, like, how do you get a cuddly baby?
• 1:42
  Because we had a friend's baby, that was a cuddly baby like
• 1:45
  that, just likes to cuddle and he thought it was so cute.
• 1:48
  He said, how do you get a cuddly baby Mary at cuddly woman.
• 1:52
  And it said, yeah, well that would increase your chances, you
• 1:55
  know. And so yes, there's a big
• 1:58
  genetic component of having a physical touch love language.
• 2:01
  That's just kind of how people come out of the womb with
• 2:04
  whatever. Sensory sorts of predilections,
• 2:06
  they have and liking touch, not liking Touch, of course,
• 2:10
  culture. The culture of the family can
• 2:13
  make somebody more or less cuddly, but remember, there's
• 2:16
  starting with a certain, like, Baseline amount.
• 2:19
  And then, unfortunately, of course, they could be knocked
• 2:22
  completely off course, by anything like sexual trauma, or
• 2:26
  negative talk about touch or about sex or whatever.
• 2:31
  So, basically you just like with It literally everything else in
• 2:36
  Psychology you start a certain way.
• 2:39
  There's a big genetic loading and then environment can
• 2:41
  contribute as well. So having a physical touch
• 2:45
  language means cuddly and likes to touch.
• 2:47
  This is not the same thing as a high sex drive.
• 2:50
  Now many men have a high physical touch, love language or
• 2:53
  have a high sex drive and a physical touch love language.
• 2:56
  So they overlap, they have both but the problem comes because a
• 3:00
  lot of women have a high sex drive during courtship, but they
• 3:04
  don't have Physical touch love language.
• 3:06
  So then, and I talked about this when I said, how do you set high
• 3:10
  sex drive women experience, spontaneous desire, and the
• 3:14
  upshot of that podcast, was they really don't, but they like
• 3:17
  touch enough that they get themselves more into situations
• 3:21
  where they could experience responsive desire, because with
• 3:23
  in monogamy, pretty much all women over a certain age are
• 3:26
  responsive desire only. And so you know take that for
• 3:31
  what? It's worth, go back and listen
• 3:32
  to those podcasts on responsive desire.
• 3:35
  But what are the overlaps here between liking a physical touch
• 3:41
  between having a physical touch, love language and a high sex
• 3:44
  drive. Well like, when the honeymoon
• 3:47
  stage recedes, you know, if the woman who only had a high sex
• 3:53
  drive has a head does not like physical touch.
• 3:56
  Well then it's gonna tank, you're never going to pretty
• 3:59
  much touch again sexually or not because the only reason she was
• 4:03
  having sex with Her ovaries were telling her new man.
• 4:07
  New man breed breed breed in the ovulation.
• 4:11
  Sort of induced Haze of the honeymoon stage, you know, where
• 4:16
  your body is telling you evolutionarily to, you know,
• 4:19
  make a baby with this new wonderful man.
• 4:21
  After that goes away, after the liver and stage, one and a half
• 4:25
  to three years, you know? She doesn't like touch.
• 4:29
  And she honestly, when you go back, you'll realize she never
• 4:32
  did she wasn't cuddly? She Wasn't kissing and hugging,
• 4:36
  you know, she just didn't really like that stuff.
• 4:40
  She didn't really do it with family, she didn't even barely
• 4:42
  do it with the pets, you know? And so if you're expecting there
• 4:46
  to be a correlation between sex drive and physical touch, love
• 4:50
  language is frequently not there.
• 4:52
  And now there's another interesting point which is there
• 4:54
  are many women that say no you're wrong Mountain, does not
• 4:57
  have a physical touch love language.
• 4:59
  He just wants Taps sex, lady wants have sex and then he's
• 5:03
  done. And so Most men, this is not
• 5:07
  true, but for some men, it most assuredly as and those men are
• 5:10
  fucking it up for everybody else because those men are the reason
• 5:13
  that women think that guy's just want to fuck and go home and
• 5:16
  wham bam. Thank you.
• 5:17
  Ma'am. And most guys are not like that.
• 5:20
  Most guys actually also have a high, physical touch, love
• 5:22
  language, but there are guys out there many guys, you know, not
• 5:27
  as many as have a high physical touch, love language, but there
• 5:30
  still are many guys out there who have a low.
• 5:33
  Physical touch love language. They don't like physical touch
• 5:35
  or not cuddly, but they like, to have sex because there are man
• 5:38
  with testosterone. So what they do is they like to
• 5:41
  pretty much have intercourse. They usually have a sexual
• 5:44
  erotic blueprint, not sensual and sometimes it could be kinky,
• 5:48
  but you know, that it's just they want their kinky sex and
• 5:51
  then they're done pretty much. Like, they don't also like the
• 5:55
  cuddling and the touching in the massage and the shower together.
• 5:59
  And that, you know, look into each other's eyes and stroke
• 6:01
  each other's hair. They don't like that stuff.
• 6:03
  So, You got to kind of differentiate, you got to go
• 6:07
  back like a detective to make sense of your life.
• 6:09
  So a lot of what we do in therapy, you know, is do like a
• 6:12
  post-mortem here on, you know what's going on.
• 6:17
  And so if you look back and your partner, either male or female,
• 6:22
  never really like to hold hands didn't like to kiss.
• 6:26
  They always kind of have problems with how either you
• 6:29
  smell or you look, or did you were you sweaty?
• 6:32
  And there's like all these like rules and You know, they don't
• 6:35
  touch feet and they don't touch hey, you know, the mouths and
• 6:39
  they don't touch tongues like they.
• 6:41
  There's like a lot of stuff going on.
• 6:43
  Like there's a lot of like, like you just cannot ever just have a
• 6:48
  freewheeling, physical experience, you know.
• 6:51
  But then again, in the beginning, they like to have
• 6:53
  sex. So that person is never going to
• 6:56
  change it to somebody who, especially with in monogamy,
• 7:00
  after limerence stages over. How is that person going to
• 7:03
  change it to somebody who likes to cuddle?
• 7:04
  They would never somebody who likes to cuddle, they always had
• 7:07
  a million rules and restrictions around touch, you know?
• 7:11
  And so, it's interesting because it's like, how much can you
• 7:15
  really change of this? And it's very, very similar to
• 7:18
  when people say and I wrote a post about this exactly how much
• 7:22
  can your non highly sensitive partner change and grow in
• 7:26
  counseling. Because there's a lot of women
• 7:28
  particularly women who come in and want the man to be more
• 7:32
  romantic and quite honestly, there is Is a fair amount of men
• 7:35
  who come in and want the woman to be more romantic to, and so
• 7:41
  the reality is how romantic can they get?
• 7:43
  Well, if by romantic, you mean, can they get into a place where
• 7:47
  they're more aware of their feelings and yours that they can
• 7:49
  empathize, better therapy can certainly help with that, but
• 7:52
  therapy cannot make somebody into somebody who yearns for
• 7:55
  romance. Just like, you can't make
• 7:57
  somebody into somebody who yearns for touch.
• 8:00
  Like this is just not as beyond the purview of therapy.
• 8:02
  This is somebody's DNA. Pulled with early life
• 8:05
  experiences you know and there are some some people that are
• 8:11
  highly anxious or very depressed so they're masquerading as not
• 8:14
  having a physical touch love language when in reality they
• 8:17
  do. But you know, it's really rare.
• 8:20
  Somebody would have to be able to almost catatonic, Lee
• 8:22
  depressed, to be somebody who does not like to hug anymore,
• 8:27
  you know. And and or and or now remember
• 8:30
  you're also saying like there could be people are saying yeah.
• 8:34
  Well they I do like to hug the kids.
• 8:35
  They do like to hug the dog, they like to hug everybody but
• 8:38
  me well in that case you got you you believe there's a good side
• 8:42
  and a bad side. The good news is maybe they do
• 8:44
  have a physical touch language and you're going to get to.
• 8:47
  Where are you want to be in a cuddle Zone but the bad news is
• 8:50
  they hate you, right? So, there are some bad, should
• 8:53
  happen. Along the way, there was many
• 8:55
  empathic ruptures, likely from their perspective and you are
• 8:58
  the sole person that they do. Not want to give their physical
• 9:01
  touch, love language to increasingly Um, from from
• 9:06
  listening to my stuff that people who come in are more
• 9:10
  aware of this, like, they'll either say, like, I have noticed
• 9:13
  that this person doesn't touch at all, or they will literally
• 9:16
  say this person used to touch me all the time.
• 9:18
  This person touches everybody else.
• 9:20
  This person loves to be touched. They just don't want me to touch
• 9:23
  them. And so you got to distinguish
• 9:25
  between those honestly. If you're honest with yourself
• 9:29
  objectively, it shouldn't be that hard to make this, you
• 9:32
  know, determination? It's pretty obvious.
• 9:34
  Like is your with your wife, somebody who lays around and
• 9:37
  Cuddles with your teenage daughter.
• 9:39
  Also, you know, they like watch TV, they're like in a cuddle
• 9:42
  puddle or not is you know, your husband, somebody who's like
• 9:46
  really into the dog laying on top of him.
• 9:48
  And was always like carrying the baby around in a Baby Bjorn and
• 9:52
  even hugs. His guy friends, hello.
• 9:55
  But just doesn't want to anything to do with you, you
• 9:58
  know. It's not a it's not a, you know,
• 10:02
  cheerful sort of Good to have. But it is an important ones
• 10:07
  that, you know, exactly what's going on.
• 10:09
  You know. And if what's going on is that
• 10:11
  they do have a physical touch love language but they have a
• 10:14
  low sex drive and they are mad at you.
• 10:17
  Then you will not be touching them ever and you should work in
• 10:20
  couples counseling on helping them.
• 10:22
  And this is actually a better case scenario.
• 10:24
  Quite honestly, for somebody who eventually wants touch to be a
• 10:27
  major part of their marriage, then a person who's like, holy
• 10:30
  shit, my spouse never touch anybody.
• 10:32
  They had so many weird restrictions around.
• 10:34
  Soundtouch, you're squeamish, they're easily disgusted, you
• 10:38
  know, and on top of that, I think there was some sort of
• 10:40
  trauma that they vaguely allude to and won't tell me about that
• 10:43
  situation. Like it's very rare for that to
• 10:45
  turn into a high-touch marriage. Although if you work on things
• 10:50
  and couples counseling, you might be able to get to a point
• 10:52
  where they empathize with your perspective enough and of work
• 10:55
  through enough issues of their own that they can have some sort
• 10:59
  of sex life with you, but they, but if you're waiting for them
• 11:03
  to want to collapse it, Aims at the end of the day then you're
• 11:06
  going to have to work on moderating your romantic
• 11:08
  expectations and thinking about the reality of what you can
• 11:13
  expect fairly from another human being that is not wired the same
• 11:17
  as you. So hopefully this episode gave
• 11:21
  you some sort of frame for how you can distinguish and
• 11:26
  differentiate between sex drive, which is always there.
• 11:30
  Usually there at the beginning, not always sometimes it's not
• 11:33
  even there at the beginning in which Case in reality.
• 11:35
  Come on. What did you think was going to
• 11:36
  happen you know yeah you could work on your sex life and
• 11:40
  couples counseling you can work on psychoeducation about sex and
• 11:43
  drive and desire and monogamy and all this stuff.
• 11:46
  But you really can't blame your spouse for keeping on being the
• 11:49
  same person. They always were.
• 11:51
  That's, that's the truth. You can make your own decisions
• 11:53
  about, you know, how you want to live your life, and stay or not
• 11:57
  stay or whatever. But if you're say, if your
• 12:00
  partner didn't even have a high sex drive at the beginning, then
• 12:03
  I mean it's really not their fault.
• 12:04
  That they don't have one now, right?
• 12:06
  I mean it's not but anyway, if they did and they used to like
• 12:11
  touching the used to like cuddling they used to like all
• 12:13
  of this and they still like the cuddling touching with other
• 12:17
  people but not with you. Then it's a you problem and I
• 12:19
  don't think you did anything wrong per se.
• 12:22
  I mean that there's a dynamic problem.
• 12:24
  There is there is unresolved issues.
• 12:26
  There is our, you know, empathic rupture history.
• 12:30
  There's a lot of stuff going on. Get into couples counseling, the
• 12:33
  other way, you gotta say, Say did we have sex at the
• 12:35
  beginning? But we never really were kind of
• 12:38
  close and touchy-feely and that isn't how that person is with
• 12:42
  anybody else. Well, then maybe we could
• 12:44
  potentially get back to somewhat of a better sex life and maybe
• 12:47
  they can even understand my desire for a lot of touch.
• 12:51
  But they are never going to be somebody that requires it or
• 12:54
  yearns for it. Or can't wait to hug me or kiss
• 12:57
  me. This is not how they are.
• 12:58
  They were never, you know, they never really were.
• 13:01
  I did Zoom event with Dad starting over.
• 13:04
  The avoidant wife and I talked about this and I said, like, the
• 13:07
  avoiding wife is never going to be clingy, doesn't matter.
• 13:10
  Like how much you work on the relationship, you're going to
• 13:13
  look back. She was happy with you at the
• 13:15
  beginning but she was never somebody really needed you and
• 13:18
  it's the same, you know, analogy for the physical touch.
• 13:21
  Love language, maybe you could get to a place where she hugs
• 13:24
  you and thinks that that is okay, but she's never going to
• 13:27
  need a hug person who has no physical touch, love language.
• 13:31
  That's not how they express. Love, they don't yearn for a hug
• 13:33
  quite honestly. They don't even notice if the
• 13:35
  kids want a hug or not, and they're a lot better with the
• 13:38
  kids getting older to a place where they don't want a hug
• 13:40
  because they don't really like to hug.
• 13:42
  They don't really see the point. It's like trying to talk to
• 13:45
  somebody in Greek when they don't speak Greek so it can be a
• 13:49
  real you know mind opener to really deeply radically
• 13:53
  empathize with the perspective of somebody who has a very
• 13:56
  opposite love language to yourself.
• 13:57
  And if that's your spouse then you best get to empathizing
• 14:01
  because it's the only path forward if you want to have a
• 14:04
  better. Or less conflictual and possibly
• 14:07
  even more, genuinely connected. Marriage.
• 14:10
  Empathy, empathy, you got to understand, they're not trying
• 14:13
  to hurt you. They are the way they are.
• 14:16
  You know, that is them. They were probably the same at
• 14:18
  five years old quite honestly, you know.
• 14:22
  All right, so, hopefully that gave you a lot to think about,
• 14:25
  please do follow me, on Tick, Tock YouTube, Facebook,
• 14:28
  Instagram, and all that good stuff, and join my Facebook
• 14:32
  group. If you like talking about these
• 14:33
  kinds of matters, Yes, and I'll talk to you soon.
• 14:35
  Have a great day.