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Speaking Up in the Bedroom: The Cost of Pretending and Faking · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for June 12, 2026 Speaking Up in the Bedroom The Cost of
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  Pretending and Faking Broken Behaviors in Sex There's plenty to choose from.
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  Not asking for what you need is a big one. One version of this is saying nothing
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  about not having an orgasm.
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  I realize some women sometimes enjoy sex without an orgasm, and that's fine.
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  But I suspect women sometimes tell themselves it's okay because they know it's
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  not going to happen regardless of what they want.
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  And then, of course, there are the times it doesn't happen because he's clueless,
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  needs better feedback, or is selfish. And that's not okay.
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  If you want an orgasm, you should have one. And saying nothing when you want
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  to and don't is a broken behavior.
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  By the way, this is not just a female issue. Some studies have found that up
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  to a third of men have faked an orgasm.
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  It could be he is struggling and is embarrassed. Or he may be afraid he is taking
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  too long. This is particularly likely if the sex is just for him.
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  He fears that if he's not quick, she will get upset. And that might keep her
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  from saying yes in the future.
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  Another way this plays out is not asking for what you need for sex to work for you.
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  Most women need plenty of foreplay for sex to be good. Even if they manage to
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  climax with short foreplay, it feels rushed and it's not as good as it could
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  have been with a proper warm-up.
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  Fear of taking too long is a big factor here. But it takes as long as it takes,
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  and you deserve sex to be good for you.
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  Again, this is not just a female issue. As a man gets older, he needs more foreplay.
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  He may be embarrassed about this and not ask. This results in poor erections,
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  having to wear himself out to reach climax, weak orgasms, and other problems.
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  His broken behavior keeps him from asking for what he needs to make sex good for him.
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  Beyond what we need, there is what we want. I want to go beyond what my wife
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  needs. I want to give her what she wants.
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  This can be tricky if what one of you wants is distasteful or distracting to the other.
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  But if you don't express the desire, you can't discuss it.
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  I know sex is more difficult to discuss than most things Our past injuries,
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  our fear of rejection And possibly lack of language for sexual things Are all obstacles,
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  But it won't get better if you ignore it And it's hurting your marriage So take
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  a breath, open the dialogue And make the effort together,
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  This is Paul, and asking for what you need Is doing sex well.