Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Does It Bother Men So Much When Their Wives Are Anxious?

Transcript

Why Does It Bother Men So Much When Their Wives Are Anxious? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about why
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  guys are so turned off by anxiety.
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  This is one of the things that, as I've mentioned is, a reason
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  that I've seen, men initiate divorce and be very unhappy in
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  their marriages. It's not just because they're
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  not getting laid, we just talked in the prior podcast about how
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  there's many things that can make men, not want sex.
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  In addition to the Low T and depression Sort of ones.
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  There's also being very unhappy in your marriage and this like
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  with women can also make men not you know, want to have sex
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  because they just can't get turned on when they are that
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  unhappy. So before we get to that, I want
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  to tell you about my most recent subscriber, episode was the
• 0:54
  binge eating and drinking. One this one today was going to
• 0:58
  be subscriber but instead I'll save that to the next one
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  because this builds off of a free one.
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  So why not keep it free? I'm a build off of this other
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  aspects of it because I've gotten such a positive response
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  of guys who feel understood that, you know, there are these
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  other things. In fact, maybe I'll make why
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  your husband doesn't want to have sex.
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  If you tell him constantly, that you don't like him.
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  I mean, there there's an idea for one.
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  But anyway, right now we are sticking to this, so subscribe
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  if you haven't. And now we will dive into this
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  one. Guy's really hate anxiety for
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  Blue reasons if they had kids on a practical level.
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  If you're very anxious as a woman, they feel that the
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  children are being constricted. And this is really big deal for
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  guys because most men really value their independence and
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  their freedom. And they think that engaging in
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  the world in a limited way is, is frustrating wasteful.
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  And, you know, it's just not not what they want for their
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  children. To only have certain ways that
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  they are allowed to. Engage in the world, certainly
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  certain things are not developmentally appropriate.
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  But for example, many more women are comfortable saying to a kid.
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  Okay, we can go to the playground but you can't climb
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  on that. You could only climb on this,
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  then men men. Feel like that's like a little
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  microcosm of just feeling overly constricted and constrained and
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  trapped in the world in general and men really value.
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  This kind of Independence and Free Will, you know, for their
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  Because they tend to have that as a really big value
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  themselves. So when the wife is extremely
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  anxious about safety, or about health, or about what anything
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  like that, they tend to limit the things that they allow the
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  child to do and the man identifies with these children
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  and feels constricted and constrained on their behalf
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  possibly even more than the children do themselves because
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  the children grow up, you know, it's like a fish in water.
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  They They don't know that the mother is very anxious until
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  they're older, you know, but but but the man sees it and
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  identifies with the child and things boy, I would want to be
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  able to, let's say, go to my friend's house to play.
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  So this, my child must be feeling constrained that they
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  can't do. It.
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  Usually kid doesn't start to feel constrained until they're a
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  little bit older but the man is over identifying in that way.
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  And that's not bad. You know, to identify with your
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  children, you just gotta kind of watch.
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  You know, if you're over identifying and projecting in a
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  way that isn't real, you know. But anyway so this constriction
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  and lack of freedom and lack of ability to self-determine is a
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  major thing that makes men upset when they're dealing with a
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  woman who is anxious and this is it's usually a really big value
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  that men have as a dad to be able to introduce the kid to new
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  things. People talk about dads being
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  very protective, but what I've seen is that, yeah, maybe
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  they're protective in certain circumstances.
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  But overall, I see the mothers as much more protective and the
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  father's as much more of trying to introduce the kid to new
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  activities and new sorts of you know, not only activities.
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  But even ways of thinking about the world, new ideas, all sorts
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  of things. The guys usually view their role
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  as a dad, somebody who is introducing the Child to, like
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  the full array of possibilities that the world has to offer.
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  And that is really antithetical with feeling constricted by a
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  spouse has anxiety. So, that's, that's just one of
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  the reasons. That's a reason that has to do
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  with children. What is another one?
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  Well, obviously, the man himself will be constricted by the
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  woman's anxiety and not be able to do certain things.
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  So, a big one that I see his financial, right?
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  So the man wants to make an investment, but the woman is too
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  risky. Covers and doesn't want him to
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  invest or he wants to take a new job or he wants to go out
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  working for himself or something like that and she doesn't want
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  him to and because she gets too anxious and she's extremely
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  averse to anything potentially bad happening and she sees bad
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  things happening everywhere, you know like in her mind and that's
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  what anxiety is is this idea that something bad is always
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  going to happen. So then he feels that he is
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  constricted because he can't you know, change his career.
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  Or he can't invest in a way that he thinks will pay off big, or,
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  or in a much more practical sense.
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  She doesn't allow him to do certain sports or certain ways
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  of engaging in the world. You know, that she finds to be
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  dangerous or that might could potentially be could hurt him or
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  he could, you know, if he goes hiking in the wrong place, he
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  could get lost, or it could be dangerous or he could get hurt
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  or whatever. So this Obviously goes toward
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  the cell, the same idea of a lack of agency and a lack of
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  ability to self determine your path.
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  And when men feel very restricted by their wives, in
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  this way, this can make them feel angry and thwarted.
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  And now, what is this all lead to both of these relate to the
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  next one, which is that men tend to feel like the woman is acting
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  like their mommy and nobody wants to fuck their mommy.
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  You know, no matter what Freud says, like, you don't usually
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  want to. Which is positive.
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  And but in this case, it is negative because there are
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  plenty of women who are anxious, but still want to have sex.
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  And, as I said, in my other podcast, the man doesn't want to
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  have sex. Because he doesn't want to have
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  sex with somebody who is in his mind, infantilizing him and
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  telling him, he can't do this, but he can't do this and he
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  can't do this, but he can't do this.
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  And that is that micromanaging. And that kind of control toys
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  perceived by the man is control, is going to be a big turn-off.
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  And when the control comes Out of anxiety.
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  It doesn't mean that it's less controlling the woman, may not
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  see it as controlling, she may think that it is all reasonable,
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  but if she's somebody who suffers with anxiety, Then it
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  really usually comes off as controlling and contradict
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  controlling and constricting in a very similar way as it does to
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  a child who feels that the mother is always setting various
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  rules, and there's too many rules and they can't do
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  anything. So this whole parent-child I
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  make is is evident when the woman is anxious and the man,
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  there's not you can frequently. See this.
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  Another reason that men don't like when the wife is anxious,
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  is that they feel like this is cutting them off from not.
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  Also there's all different kinds of anxiety, so it doesn't only
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  have to cut them off from opportunities to, you know, do
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  things or spend money, but there's also social anxiety.
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  So, that's a very big one. So they feel Like they're never
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  really allowed to socialize or to have friends or to go do
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  anything like that because the woman doesn't really like to
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  engage with people or she's anxious about their friends and
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  about who they hang out with it about the influence of the
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  friends. And she herself doesn't like to
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  socialize so the man can start to feel very lonely.
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  So living with an anxious spouse can make you feel pretty lonely
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  because you could only talk about certain things, you can
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  only do certain things and you could only see certain people.
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  So this starts To feel like y, like the marriage is a trap
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  versus something versus a relationship, that's adding
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  value and opening you up, you know both men and women
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  especially in this day and age want to feel like their
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  relationship is is opening doors.
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  It's leading to more self-actualization and more
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  expansion of who they are as a person, giving them more
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  opportunities to think, and do and live, and feel, then they
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  would have on there. Our own when you're partnered
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  with somebody with anxiety or of course, have another podcast on
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  obsessive-compulsive personality, this is rigidity
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  taken to the extreme. When you're partnered with a
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  person who is rigid in their thinking, a Hallmark of anxiety
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  or of ocpd, then you feel that the relationship in fact,
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  restrict you and constrains you in various ways that if you were
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  single, yeah, you might have more stuff to deal with because
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  you wouldn't have a partner but you would also be able To live
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  freely. You wouldn't feel like you're in
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  prison. And this is a big reason that
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  men don't like to be married to anxious women.
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  Is that over time, they start to feel like they are imprisoned in
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  some way, and especially if the woman does not know or admit
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  that she has anxiety, which is something that I just just wrote
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  about is not is when people don't know how anxious they are.
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  So when you are partnered with somebody with anxiety, another
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  thing is that they themselves can act very childlike.
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  So this is the parent-child dynamic, but it's an inverted
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  way. So like if the woman is too
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  scared, let's say to, I don't know to to look at the finances
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  because it makes her too anxious to look at finances.
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  Then the man will have to do all the financial management, right?
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  If she's too scared to have somebody in the home to fix
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  things, well, then he's got to fix things if she you know, like
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  it's If she's too scared to tackle certain things and he
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  doesn't have a partner in those Arenas.
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  And there are a lot of men who feel like this about various
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  things, the woman just as I can't deal with x and x is like
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  some large facet of life. Now, what else can anxiety
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  contribute to obviously or maybe not obviously, but it can
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  contribute to sexual problems. Because again, this is rigidity
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  and not going outside, your comfort zone and being really
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  anxious about about being about change and fearing novelty and
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  thinking that, you know, various act or sometimes even dangerous,
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  you know, like to explore in certain ways, could be both
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  emotionally and physically unsafe or difficult or
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  uncomfortable because people who are very anxious and rigid,
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  really, really fear discomfort of any sort.
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  So this is another thing, you know, is that anxiety can
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  contribute to this closed-mindedness Because I mean
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  let's just use any example like oral sex.
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  Like the woman could literally feel like if she like I've
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  heard, literally people say that.
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  Is it even healthy like to swallow?
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  You know, like this is like people who are anxious, can kind
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  of make anything up as a problem, you know, because
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  anything will go into their minds as like, oh my God, I
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  don't know. Is that it should not be done or
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  he wants to tie me up but like what if he died like in that
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  Stephen King book? You know, and then I was Is here
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  tied up or like whatever, you know, all that side.
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  If I took a selfie of him what if like you know spies got his
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  phone and it was on the internet, you know, if I took a
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  nude picture and sent it to him etc etc, the anxiety can know.
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  No bounds and frequently a manifestation is in the sex life
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  as well. And of course, another way that
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  the anxiety is manifested in the sex life is not just that the
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  person won't do things because they're scared of doing them but
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  that they're so anxious. And so stressed out and so tense
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  if they don't want to have sex to begin with and by the end of
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  the night, the anxiety has been with them all day and they wake
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  up so that I want to do it at night.
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  And then, when they wake up in the morning, it's after a whole
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  night of jaw grew, you know, teeth, grinding and jaw,
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  clenching and, and ruminations and possibly nightmares.
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  And then they want to do it in the morning.
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  And in the afternoon, they got to be hyper-vigilant about the
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  children. So I made a really leave zero
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  time ever. So that's the way that if you're
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  You're anxious. It's going to manifest in the
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  sex life and the Romantic life in that.
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  You just do not have opportunities for relaxation.
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  And if you never relax and women need to be relaxed in order to
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  have sex. So these are some of the ways
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  that anxiety hurts relationships.
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  And some women will say, this is always what they say, but I
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  wouldn't be so anxious. If he helped out more girl, it's
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  not it's not true. Like one like one person doesn't
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  cause another person's anxiety like if he likes old.
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  So if he started drinking all the time, they said that it was
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  wasn't. It's because you don't have sex
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  with him, is he right? It's his substance abuse
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  disorder, you know, due to that you won't have sex with him.
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  No, could you potentially fuck him enough that he wouldn't
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  drink maybe? I mean like, who knows?
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  I mean, could he be like a prince among the men and take
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  away every single thing that you could possibly worry about?
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  I mean, I don't know. No, odds are low.
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  I never heard of anything such happening like that.
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  But I mean, we try try not to blame our issues on our partner
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  is kind of like, a key thing that I teach.
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  And if you struggle with anxiety to the extent, that I've said
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  that you're always worrying about the kids and their safety,
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  and their help, and what precedent you're setting is
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  apparent and whether the kids are going to hate you, and then
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  on top of it, how you're doing at work, and how you're doing
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  with this? And how you're doing with
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  friends, and who likes you, and who doesn't like you and are you
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  fat or Not fat, or are you pretty or not?
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  Or all of these things? If it hits to a point where
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  you're constantly worrying, where you're stressed, where you
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  are back hurts all the time when you're so tense, where your
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  stomach hurts where you have trouble eating, because you're
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  so anxious, about everything you have trouble sleeping.
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  This is not because your husband is lazy, you know you don't like
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  him because he's lazy like this, you are anxious because you're
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  anxious. And if I asked if your mother's
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  think she's probably We anxious if your father's anxious, maybe
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  more likely your mother, you know, women model after what
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  they see in the mother more, but you did.
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  There's a genetic component to it.
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  You could go back to the anxiety podcast.
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  But these are the reasons that a no.
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  And then, of course, when the woman says to the man, after
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  she's been vibrating like a tuning fork, all day from
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  anxiety. Well, the only reason I'm
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  anxious is because you don't do more shit and he's just done a
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  whole bunch of shit. Well he's not going to believe
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  you, you know so that's when We kind of lose credibility.
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  It's just like telling a guy I'm depressed because you're an
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  asshole. You're not depressed because
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  he's an asshole. You don't suffer from depression
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  because he's an asshole, unless you are trapped, with no way out
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  in an abusive marriage. We're horrible things are
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  happening every single day, then possibly situational depression.
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  Even then depression is depression.
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  It can cut. It can manifest quicker due to a
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  situational stressor but there is No person who has an include
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  like a predisposition to depression because of the spouse
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  that was ingrained in your DNA. And if your husband being a dick
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  didn't, cause it something else would have because it was there
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  ready to be mobilized? When a stressor happened, this
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  is how mental issues work. So the same as I don't let any
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  guy blame their wife for why they drink or for, why they
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  scream or for why they have anger issues, or or for why
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  their passive or anything. You cannot blame a husband.
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  Why you're anxious? You're anxious because you're
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  anxious. Does he make it better?
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  I'm sure he doesn't but he is not the reason.
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  So the other way that anxiety that men are so triggered by
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  their wives anxieties. They get blamed a lot because
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  anxiety is one of these things that women like like like as
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  opposed to other disorders. Like, let's say that you
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  struggle with an eating disorder, unless your husband's
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  following you around saying how disgusting and overweight you
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  are, which is highly unlikely that he would do.
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  That and that you would still be here listening to my podcast but
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  hopefully would get out of that. That would be terribly abusive
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  situation. But unless he was doing that,
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  you would never say. My husband is the reason I have
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  an eating disorder. But anxiety is something that
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  women do not necessarily realize they have, which is why I made
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  my podcast about it. So therefore, they find it, they
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  don't identify as having clinical levels of generalized
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  anxiety disorder instead they say I'm just stressed out in the
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  reason I'm stressed out is because he won't help me.
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  So, Associate the woman's anxiety with also getting blamed
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  for everything all the time. Whereas if she had eating
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  issues, let's say or depression even or any other disorder ADHD
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  or anything, you know, schizophrenia anything then she
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  wouldn't necessarily blame him the way that women with anxiety,
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  blame the husband and men with addiction issues.
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  Tend to sometimes blame the wife in the same, kind of way,
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  because you don't like to think of it.
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  You say yeah of course I drink too much.
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  Sometimes go she's a bitch that's what know it's of course
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  not silly. That doesn't make any sense, you
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  know and it's the same thing you don't suffer from anxiety
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  because your husband is lazy. Like he may not be helping the
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  problem but the problem exists with him without him.
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  So anyhow these are some reasons why anxiety is real difficult in
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  a marriage. Why men really are bothered by
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  wives anxiety. And honestly, a great percentage
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  of them could be ameliorated if the woman just said, hey, yeah,
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  sounds like me. I'm going to go get diagnosed
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  with anxiety. I'm get treated for it and
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  instead of continuing to say that I'm not anxious, I'm just
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  stressed out. And the reason I'm stressed out
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  is you or the reason I'm stressed out is because mothers
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  have to be stressed out, or in this day and age everybody
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  stressed out. None of these things are
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  accurate. Like, if you really like Google
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  Google, the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder and
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  you'll see, you know, and if you do, you know have them, then you
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  can understand why, maybe the marriage isn't going
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  wonderfully. And do I say he's a perfect
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  person? Certainly not.
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  I'm sure we could diagnose him with something, but whether
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  whether or not, we can you yourself if you struggle with
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  anxiety off to get the help that you need and maybe thinking
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  about it from a different perspective of what it's like to
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  be with somebody with anxiety, could be a little impetus to go
• 19:26
  deal with it. All right, so hopefully you got
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  something out of this and the next one will definitely be
• 19:30
  subscriber and I'll talk to you all soon.