Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Watching Porn When Your Wife Has A Low Sex Drive Is The Opposite Of Helpful

Transcript

Watching Porn When Your Wife Has A Low Sex Drive Is The Opposite Of Helpful · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today. I'll be talking about why
• 0:10
  watching porn. When your wife has a low sex
• 0:12
  drive is the opposite of helpful and really the opposite of smart
• 0:16
  and we will explore that right? As soon as I tell you to
• 0:20
  subscribe, please do subscribe for my 81 subscriber episodes
• 0:24
  most recently how to assess your wife's full potential for Love
• 0:28
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• 0:29
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• 0:34
  Fives, which is cool because then you can hear me talk in
• 0:38
  real time. Not that this isn't in real time
• 0:41
  because as you've noticed, I edit nothing so it's really as
• 0:45
  close to live as you can get because I do not have the time
• 0:48
  to go back and edit this shit. Once it's out.
• 0:50
  So pretty much this is just me monologuing livestream, but you
• 0:54
  get it a little bit later, like a week or so, but anyhow, let's
• 0:59
  go into porn. I've discussed porn before, but
• 1:04
  some Guys, still think that it is an outlet.
• 1:08
  It's an outlet. Specifically, when your wife has
• 1:10
  a low sex drive, this is the worst time for you to watch
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  porn. Let me give you my analogy.
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  Let's say that you lost your job.
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  So you make no money and your wife as an outlet started to
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  watch. Not only HGTV, which I had in my
• 1:27
  description as an analogy, but also Keeping Up with the
• 1:29
  Kardashians Kardashians or whatever.
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  My kids say. I mispronounced it.
• 1:34
  Real Housewives and basically, basically money porn.
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  She just started watching a whole bunch of money porn where
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  women get treated, like, princesses by dudes with loads
• 1:45
  and loads of money. And they get to do anything they
• 1:47
  want, including like transform their house into a mansion or
• 1:51
  whatever the fuck. I don't watch those shows why
• 1:53
  assume they're kind of like that.
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  I've watched a couple of them but they're always so stupid
• 2:00
  because, because, like, I mean, I, I just, I just really do Do
• 2:04
  not understand how but I've talked about this before, with
• 2:07
  the home renovation, shit, like people put themselves under so
• 2:10
  much stress and it's like, you get like a different room, but
• 2:14
  whatever the point is, people love this shit.
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  So I'm like the weirdo, not your wife, your wife is normal if she
• 2:21
  likes this. So anyway, imagine that like you
• 2:26
  would just take that as oh, she's really stressed out by me.
• 2:29
  Losing my job. So she just needs an outlet.
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  No, you'd be like this shit is making her even worse.
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  She's looking down on me even more.
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  She's more depressed about our financial situation.
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  But courtship this shit that she's watching, guys.
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  Say this all the time. By the way, about, not only
• 2:43
  this, but about the Real Housewives level of drama
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  multiple men have said to me. She watches so much reality TV
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  and I don't think reality TV is bad.
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  By the way, I think reality, TV could teach you a lot about,
• 2:55
  like, what your wife, things, and about interpersonal
• 2:57
  relationships, and like a lot of stuff, and I've written about
• 3:00
  that. And I think I have a podcast
• 3:01
  about reality TV. But anyway, a lot of Guys are
• 3:05
  like if she didn't watch that. Super dramatic Real Housewives.
• 3:08
  Shit. Maybe we wouldn't have so many
• 3:10
  fights everybody in those goddamn shoes, always yelling at
• 3:12
  each other, like, maybe that's why she thinks we have to have
• 3:14
  so much drama. You know what?
• 3:16
  You're not wrong. If you expose yourself to a lot
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  of one, kind of stimulation. You start to basically Prime
• 3:22
  yourself to see it and want it everywhere.
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  This is basic psychology stuff. This is like priming with the
• 3:30
  hell. Is it the Stroop test?
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  Well, the Stroop test is difference.
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  When you see Read the word, red and yellow, and the word, yellow
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  and red. And you have to discriminate
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  between the stimuli, but the point is there's entire subset
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  of psychic research that involves priming and you can
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  prime somebody to feel a certain way by like flashing shit on a
• 3:51
  screen. Just words imagine naked women
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  you know I mean that's like a lot more effective than seeing
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  the word sad on a screen. If you could see sad on a screen
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  and feel sad. Well, when you see a woman's
• 4:02
  like naked vagina on a I mean do you not want more sex?
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  I don't even understand how guys can tell themselves that this
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  shit is not priming them to be hyper sexual.
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  It is, you know, masturbation is one thing.
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  So if your wife is just hustle sex drive of like a tablecloth
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  and like there's just no way for you to cope without having, you
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  know, physical release, all right?
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  Like maybe jack off once a week, you know?
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  But like do it without porn. If you are looking at porn when
• 4:34
  Wife has a low sex drive, you're doing two things.
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  You're telling yourself that there's lots of different women
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  out there in the world that like to do stuff that your wife
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  doesn't like to do, which believe me, you don't need that
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  streamed into your brain and Technical or heroin, which is
• 4:48
  pretty much what this is. And also your fluffing up your
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  own sex drive artificially just at a time when to be a good
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  partner, you should have a lower one, right?
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  Because if your wife is aging shows multiple children she's
• 5:01
  aging. I think the majority of y'all
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  listening or like 35 to 55, you know, and your wife is like into
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  the aging process, she is not 17 years old anymore.
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  It work, 27, even where she could have like loads of
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  spontaneous desire all the time. She's older and her body's been
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  through some war in terms of having kids and so her, if her
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  set and also probably she's either depressed or anxious or
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  something because a lot of women are.
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  So the point is for sex drive is low.
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  If you're listening to this, her Sex Drive is low and of her sex
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  drive isn't low. Listening to it, cool.
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  Her sex drive still lower than yours, most likely, so it still
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  applies. So, if her Sex Drive is low, why
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  the fuck are you artificially priming yours?
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  You know, like fluffing Yourself by looking at porn.
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  It makes no sense. It's not being a good team
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  player. So like, if you again, like, if
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  there are shit that you couldn't do like if you find it really
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  hard to be very verbally romantic because you're just
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  like a kind of laconic kind of guy.
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  Would you want her to be compulsively?
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  Nightly watching romantic movies, where the guys have like
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  these silver tongues and can say, all sorts of like, sonnets,
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  like just right off the cuff, know if she kept doing that
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  chip, she would be doing two things.
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  A, she would start subconsciously expecting that
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  from you. No matter what the hell she says
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  intellectually she could say, oh, that's just a movie, but
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  she's still kind of things that that's like how shit is gonna go
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  down in real life. She thinks it more and more
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  because she's exposing Self to it more and more.
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  So she starts to think that maybe there are guys like that
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  in the world even just below the level of Consciousness.
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  And that, you know what, that would be really nice.
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  And you know what? That would be a lot different
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  than you Fred. My husband who doesn't say, two
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  words to me, you know, and what else would you be doing?
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  She would be making herself. Like, like primed again for that
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  stuff in regular life. So like if she was watching a
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  whole bunch of romantic movies and stuff.
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  Tough all the time. Then when she was looking to
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  take tocker's Instagram or whatever she would be her mind
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  subconsciously would be more attuned.
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  To Prime to pick up on romantic gestures that she saw in her
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  feed. She's just going to be more
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  hyper aware of these things. So when she might have scrolled
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  past somebody saying that her husband sent her roses at work
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  before, maybe she would have scroll past it.
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  If she's making herself hyper attuned to romantic gestures by
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  feeding them into her brain every night, Then she is going
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  to be more aware of that stuff in the environment and this is
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  something that happens with porn.
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  A lot. Is that like, if you're watching
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  porn, you start to think that there's all these women out
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  there that are just down to fuck all the time and that, if you're
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  like, if the Starbucks Barista looks at you with a smile, she's
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  really thinking that it would be nice to be in bed with you.
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  No, she's not, you know, but you start it starts to seem more
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  likely because you are projecting all of these images
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  of naked ready and willing women.
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  Into your brain. And as I've said numerous times
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  it's even worse with the amateur-hour shit because then
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  it's like your brain can't even discriminate.
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  You really do think that every normal-looking woman is just you
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  know, secretly some sort of like, you know, gangbanger and
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  in reality, they're not but your brain can't tell that because
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  you're giving your brain, all this artificial stimulation and
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  you're priming the pump, no pun intended for you to have this
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  like super high sex drive that you probably don't have at your
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  H. Like you probably We do not have
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  it, but if you continue to jack off all the time to porn, then
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  it's like you have it. And that's not helping because
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  your wife has a lower than average sex drive.
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  So what do you need to have a higher than average?
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  14? It's not being a good team
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  player. It would be like if you are wife
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  gains a lot of weight. I mean, a lot of you are going
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  to be, I am in this situation, you're going to think that you
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  are in the situation. So if your wife gained a lot of
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  weight and you started compulsively every night,
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  looking at super thin fit women. Which now that I'm talking about
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  it is going to be a separate issue with the porn because
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  yeah. Like it's all body types, blah
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  blah. Like that's what guys say.
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  But you know what? It's not really all body types
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  and exactly the same percentiles.
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  So you know, like if your wife isn't exactly how you want her
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  to look and she's not how she wants her to look at she gained
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  weight and age. Then if you're looking at a
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  preponderance of women that did not gain weight, then why would
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  you be doing on? Just making a comparison point
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  in your head, no matter what, your intellectual brain thinks,
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  your emotional lizard, brain, your visceral brain stem is
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  making these comparisons. Just like you probably wouldn't
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  like her to scroll through like bodybuilder pictures every
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  night. If you're a guy who struggles
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  with having a beer belly like you really want it, you wouldn't
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  find it quote motivating like some guys make up.
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  No, you wouldn't because the average guy can never look like
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  an Instagram bodybuilder and if that's what your wife was
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  looking at all the time, you would be correctly, irritated
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  and weirded out so that's the same as what she thinks about
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  the port. So if you want to be a good
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  partner to a low sex drive woman, am I saying to get rid of
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  your natural sex drive? Certainly not I'm saying, let's
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  figure out what it is. You know, if you're 45 years old
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  it's not where it was when you were 25.
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  If you have kept it where it was when I was 25 through an
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  elaborate machination in your mind of jerking off to like, you
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  know, The crazier and crazier pouring over the years, which is
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  what a lot of guys do without even realizing it then.
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  Yes, you have artificially created very tenuously this
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  castle in the Sands of, you know, libido that seems like,
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  it's where it was when you were 25, but it's really not, it
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  would be a hell of a lot better for you to see what your innate
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  Sex Drive is at this age. Without artificially fluffing it
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  up every night with porn and then, you know, y'all might be a
• 11:03
  lot more compatible. You and your wife.
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  Also, you may not have a chip on your shoulder because entry
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  like, subconsciously, you're comparing her to all of these
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  women. God knows you could find more
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  hundreds more every day. If you look that thousands,
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  millions who knows that are doing stuff that your wife
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  doesn't do. So the same, as you would not
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  want her all the time to be comparing you to men that are
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  doing her exact love language. You wouldn't.
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  So what's her love language? Let's say it's gifts.
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  Should she look at men who are buying their wives?
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  It all day on Instagram. Would you be like really cool
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  with that? Certainly not.
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  That would seem like not being a team player to just
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  compulsively. Like, if there was Instagram of
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  hot Rich bodybuilding men who give their wives cars for their
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  40th birthday, would you really want her on that?
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  That's what porn is. But like, you know, for guys and
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  so if you wouldn't really want her to be looking at, you know,
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  a buff body builder. Mopping the floor.
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  Before he writes her, a love poem, massages, her feed and
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  like the next day takes her to Maui, then don't watch the porn
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  because that should, if she was doing, it would be bad for your
• 12:16
  marriage. You doing what you're doing is
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  bad for the marriage to again and guys are like the reason
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  that you could tell that, you know, it's a porn thing and not
• 12:26
  just getting off then because guys are like all, yeah, well if
• 12:29
  I need some physical release so I said cool, get some physical
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  release them, how about you do that in the shower?
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  No porn. They're like yeah.
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  Well well let's see if you really had the sex drive of
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  Superman, like you're pretending to then it wouldn't be a because
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  remember, when you stuff like wet dreams back in the day,
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  there's obviously been like a decrement and your sex drive
• 12:51
  because you're an aging mammal like everybody else.
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  So if it really doesn't sound too cool to be jerking off
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  without port in the shower, then maybe you don't need to be
• 12:59
  jerking off every day, right? I mean, let's really think about
• 13:02
  it. So in that case you You have a
• 13:04
  hell of a lot more empathy for your wife's naturally.
• 13:07
  Decreasing sex drive over time, if you noted, the decrease in
• 13:11
  your own. But if you're protecting
• 13:13
  yourself and your ego from from seeing and observing this
• 13:17
  decrease, because you're artificially fluffing yourself
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  up with born. Well, then how are you being a
• 13:23
  good husband? You're not doing what you would
• 13:25
  want her to do. In the same situation, which is
• 13:28
  to be a team player and to not feel her brain with comparison
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  points and kind Priming the pump to to want things that aren't
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  you. So that is really what you need
• 13:41
  to think about if you're in this situation.
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  Are you being a team player? Isn't it possible that you and
• 13:47
  your wife would be a little bit closer together on the sex drive
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  Spectrum. If you were to stop watching
• 13:52
  porn all the time. Now, for the guys that watch
• 13:54
  porn, like 15 minutes a week, maybe it's not doing anything.
• 13:58
  Maybe it still is, what do you have to lose?
• 14:00
  Really by trying, not to do it for a month, you know?
• 14:03
  So, Same, as you would want your wife to say about anything, you
• 14:07
  don't like her to do, you know, and you have a lot more power or
• 14:14
  hand in like, you know, you could force her hands a lot more
• 14:18
  and try and shoot, that's outside her comfort zone, which
• 14:20
  I know you would like to do if you tried stuff that was outside
• 14:23
  your comfort zone. So particularly if she's aware
• 14:26
  of your porn habit. Many guys, keep it super secret.
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  The more addicted, it is the more secret, they keep it but
• 14:33
  especially if you know About it. You could be like, hey, you've
• 14:36
  never really liked me watching porn.
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  I'm going to stop for 30 days. See where I'm at?
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  If you really want to see her, be happy, say maybe my sex drive
• 14:43
  isn't where I always thought it was, you know, who knows, I've
• 14:46
  been watching this shit all the time, you know, it's like junk
• 14:49
  food for the mind, so, I don't know.
• 14:51
  I mean, maybe really, if I went off it for a little while, we
• 14:54
  would be closer together in our sex drive will be a nice thing
• 14:57
  to say, you know, and she would be like what you have a lobotomy
• 15:01
  and she would be super happy that you decided.
• 15:04
  Added on your own to try to do something.
• 15:06
  That is against, what your ego would want you to do for the
• 15:10
  benefit of the marriage? That's like women, love that
• 15:12
  shit. You know who else loves that
• 15:13
  shit? Men love that shit.
• 15:15
  Everybody loves when a partner puts their own ego down a level
• 15:20
  and the relationship up a level, right?
• 15:23
  So you could try to do that or you could try to do it on your
• 15:25
  own. If your ego can't handle the
• 15:27
  idea of telling her that you're experimenting to see what your
• 15:29
  natural sex drive is, then you could do it on your own and see
• 15:33
  but many many guys that They see.
• 15:35
  Wow you know what, like the first little bit of time I start
• 15:38
  looking at more women and I start feeling like a real horn
• 15:41
  dog which is good for the old ego anyway and then after like a
• 15:45
  couple weeks, I actually go lower than what I thought that
• 15:48
  my sex drive was at when I was watching porn all the time
• 15:51
  because you're right. Wow, I'm a smart guy.
• 15:54
  I know about priming and I guess that was right, you know,
• 15:57
  because I would see insects everywhere and now I'm not and
• 16:01
  the variable that changed in the single case design, An
• 16:04
  experiment was that I'm not feeding a constant image of
• 16:08
  women, having sex into my brain all the time which now that I
• 16:11
  think about it has to have some kind of effect.
• 16:15
  You know? I mean seriously I mean it's I'm
• 16:18
  laughing but it's not funny because there's so many guys
• 16:20
  that are super smart about everything but just want to not
• 16:23
  think about what this influx of constant sexual images does to
• 16:28
  their brain as though there's a world in which could have no
• 16:30
  effect. Of course this is not no effect,
• 16:33
  of course not of course Not just an outlet, as nothing is an
• 16:37
  outlet. As your wife scrolling on social
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  media. Compulsively, is not just an
• 16:40
  outlet, everybody's doing something that releases dopamine
• 16:44
  in some way, and there's positive effects and negative
• 16:47
  effects. Anything that gives a short-term
• 16:50
  dopamine burst. You got to interrogate it to see
• 16:53
  if there's any long-term negative effect.
• 16:56
  Same with drugs, same with drinking seem with anything,
• 16:59
  right? Same with jerking off, same with
• 17:01
  looking and comparing your wife comparing yourself.
• 17:04
  To the rich and famous on Instagram or the, you know,
• 17:08
  financially well-heeled on whatever reality show, okay?
• 17:11
  So hopefully this was useful. Maybe it did one percent to
• 17:15
  change your mind on this topic, then I will be happy and I will
• 17:19
  talk to you all soon. Please do subscribe.
• 17:20
  Bye.