Latest / The Psychology of Relationships / How to Break Toxic Relationship Cycles for Good w/ Pharaoh Kyle

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How to Break Toxic Relationship Cycles for Good w/ Pharaoh Kyle · The Psychology of Relationships

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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Julie Craftscheck, and I'm UASU.
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[SPEAKER_01]: This is the Psychology of Relationships.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Whether you've been in a toxic relationship or too many to count, a lot of us eventually ask the same question.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Why does this keep happening and how do I break the pattern?
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[SPEAKER_02]: In this episode, we're joined by Farrow Kyle, a spiritual coach, entrepreneur, and energy healer, to explore how we can begin recognizing the relational patterns,
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[SPEAKER_02]: that keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics from early warning signs of toxic relationships to the subtle ways we override our own intuition.
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[SPEAKER_02]: We unpack what it really looks like to lose ourselves in connection and how to start finding our way back.
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[SPEAKER_02]: We also talk about what to do when you realize you're in a dead end relationship that isn't serving you and how to navigate the emotional and practical complexity of baking a change.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Pharaoh shares grounded tools for understanding these cycles along with ways to begin healing so you can choose differently in the future.
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[SPEAKER_02]: At the core of this conversation is the idea that healing isn't just about leaving the wrong relationship.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's about learning how to recognize what's been driving those choices in the first place.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Remember to subscribe to the Psychology of Relationships on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you listen.
1:23
[SPEAKER_02]: And if this episode shifted how you think about love patterns or healing, we'd love a
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[SPEAKER_02]: This is the psychology of relationships and you're listening to an episode that might just change the way you show up for love.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Enjoy.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Godfaro, Kyle.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Hello, hello.
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[SPEAKER_02]: We are so excited to have you.
1:43
[SPEAKER_01]: As we mentioned, we really want to hit on this topic of resetting after toxic relationship.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But let's just go from there.
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[SPEAKER_01]: What are some signs that a relationship is toxic?
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[SPEAKER_00]: When we think of toxicity, right, let's just think about it as far as with our health.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If we put something into our body, that's toxic.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's something that literally makes us sick.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's something that starts to kill us.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's something that robs of our energy of our life force.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now, when we think of a toxic relationship, it does something very, very similar.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It robs us of our life force, of our identity, of our energy.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It robs us of the feeling that we are abundant, that we are vibrant.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it literally starts to wear us down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It could be mentally, it could be emotionally, but the toxicity is literally wearing us down.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I love that definition because I think we think of abuse as toxic relationships.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And of course, that is a toxic relationship.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But I think what I'm hearing from you is it extends way further.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_02]: If you're the one that's, you know, putting in all the energy and you're not getting anything back or you're in an undefined situation ship and you really desire more, what are some other ways like toxic relationships can show up?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about day to day in the relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If in the relationship you feel disempowered and disempower can be a lot of things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You can literally feel like you have no say so in the relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know your voice is in her.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It also can be that the things that you want or desire.
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[SPEAKER_00]: other person doesn't care about those things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it literally is robbing you of your identity of who you are and it's not just romantic relationships, I've a lot of clients right now who are toxic relationships with parents and it's literally keeping them in a cycle where they can't achieve or reach their highest potential because that negative relationship that toxicity is literally robbing them of their
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then you just feel deflated.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You feel like the energy sucked out of you.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like these are some of the phrases I've used to describe the previous toxic relationships and friendships I've been in.
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[SPEAKER_01]: But why do people enter and stay in toxic relationships?
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is one of my favorite questions because it doesn't make sense, right?
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[SPEAKER_01]: No.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So many people, they get in the toxic relationship and they realize.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't like this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't feel good.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when they finally exit the relationship, they swear to themselves, I will never get a relationship like that again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of people find themselves in a similar situation just with a different person.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And really what it is is, you know, as children were born to this world and we're looking for validation.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're looking for love.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we don't understand or know what that looks like.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we start to look at everything around us where there's our parents, how their relationship is, our caregivers, our grandparents, whoever that is, and in the name of love, we're looking to see what does love look like?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because our parents would say that they love us, but we see them yell at us, or our parents say they love each other and we see them be abusive.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And in our mind, we're like, okay, well, they love each other and this is how they act.
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[SPEAKER_00]: now as children we grow up and we may say you know I don't like yelling it doesn't make me feel good but that's the conscious mind and the conscious mind is only controlling about 10% of our life but we think that the conscious mind is everything because when we make a decision is our conscious mind well 90% of our life is dictated by the subconscious so if we made a decision early on even if we don't remember it could've been
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[SPEAKER_00]: decision at three years old, four years old, this is what love looks like.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It becomes a memory that gets lodged into our subconscious.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And our body is designed to help us be able to survive.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And night times out of ten, it feels the most comfortable with something similar because it knows that it can survive then.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Versus, if you get something you've never experienced before, your body doesn't know what the reality of that is, so it's programmed as not safe.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So consciously, we may be saying, I don't want a relationship like this, but 90% of our reality, the subconscious is trying to recreate the definition of what we said love is or whatever that thing is.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So until we're able to go into our subconscious and change their programming, we will continuously get the same thing over and over.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But here's the thing, most people don't know what their program of love is, their program of relationship, their program of success or money or any of those things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So they end up going in circles or cycles.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That is so fast today.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like thinking back and you're right, so many people don't even have the awareness even know where to start.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But I remember like talking to a friend of mine and she could trace it back to she was the younger of three brothers, significant age gap, and she was always fighting for their attention.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So therefore in her adult life, she's always fought for the attention of men.
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[SPEAKER_02]: She's dated and she could tie it back, but she couldn't get out of this cycle.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And I definitely like looking back even now in my current relationship, which I feel like is much healthier than the past.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, oh, I was in toxic relationships, and I didn't even realize it.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like how do you start to even get the awareness or have the recognition of your patterns, but do something about how this affects your future relationships?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, here's the thing, most people don't become aware of their pattern until they've gone through so much suffering, so much pain.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Where they've been cry out to the universe or God or whatever their faith is, and they say, I can't take this anymore.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_02]: something different, I need to change.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And the sad thing about, you know, most humans right now is that most people do not change or put the effort to change until they've gone through so much suffering.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But once they've identified the pattern, then you know what I recommend is to literally reach out for help.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody, some type of support system, whether it's a coach, a guy, a therapist, somebody who literally can give you a helping hand to help you see what you cannot see.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because we can identify and see the pain, but no one can see their blind
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[SPEAKER_00]: and what I tell people all the time is, if you are going to start a job and you've never worked that job before, what's the first thing that happens?
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[SPEAKER_00]: They train you, they help you understand what it takes to become successful in that position or in that job.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, most people have never been trained or taught how to have a successful relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So why in the world do we feel like we can just without ever being set down, hey, this is how you have good communication, this is how you create a safe space reach out, without being taught those things we feel like, hey, we should just know how to do it and then get it right.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It literally is a recipe for
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[SPEAKER_00]: failure.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And once that happens, the frustration sits in.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We feel bad about ourselves and ends up being this cycle where we literally cannot escape because we don't feel like we can really have that success.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we hear that all the time.
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[SPEAKER_01]: It's a cycle.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You break out of one.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then you feel like why am I repeating these patterns again or is it me?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is there something wrong with me?
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm attracting this type of person.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And on the flip side of this fair I'm going to ask you is you can also have a toxic relationship with yourself too, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, 100% and that's why a good coach or anybody if you're doing this on your own or if you're going through YouTube University and just watching videos, the first recipe for success or relationship is a successful relationship with yourself and is going to take massive responsibility.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's gonna take you being able to look at your shadow.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when I say shadow, what is your shadow?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Those are those parts of yourself that you may not feel comfortable about.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You may not be proud about.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's those parts of yourself that you feel like aren't your best self.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, a lot of times, people, they preach or they teach to, you know, get rid of your shadow or to go and kill your ego.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But what I really believe is about integrating and transmuting.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's about loving those parts of yourself that may be failures.
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[SPEAKER_00]: In so much where you can extract the lesson
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[SPEAKER_00]: from it, then you can look at it with appreciation and, at that point, you can transmute that failure or whatever into a positive.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it all starts with the relationship with yourself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when we talk about the toxic relationship with yourself, it's about loving yourself and those avenues and appreciating them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then you can start attracting people who can appreciate all of you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But let's look at this.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When we talk about like the law of attraction,
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[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to attract what you are and what you're being.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So if you love 65% of yourself and reject the other well that be 35% of yourself, you're going to attract people who can love 65% of you, but they're going to talk about it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Put you down, talk about how that part of you is not good.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to end up feeling not loved or not accepted in a relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to accept you first.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's the only benefit of toxic relationships.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Similar to what you said, Pharaoh, it's like, sometimes you have to get to a breaking point to realize it's something needs to change.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like, I know I went to therapy after the toxic relationship.
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[SPEAKER_02]: And when we've taught to people, like therapists, there's a lot of the times that people come is for someone else because of something that happened in relationships.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But then it goes down to themselves, which is ends up being the focus.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I think a lot of it comes from this feeling of not feeling worthy or loved and lovable, and I think, especially with toxic relationships, there tends to be highs that go with them.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It's not all bad or no one would stay in it at all.
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[SPEAKER_02]: There's the highs and the lows.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do you start to kind of what you were saying earlier?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like, sometimes it's like scary when you see something different.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how do you start to appreciate when things are more even killed?
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[SPEAKER_00]: The first thing is desire.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you literally have to have the desire and clarity up with those two together.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The desire to have something better, which most people are gonna say, hey, I want a better relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then the clarity on exactly what you want.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You'll be surprised how many people I sit down with and I ask them, okay, what are your values?
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[SPEAKER_00]: What do you literally want to build this relationship on?
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is important to you in a relationship that now can be the standard?
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[SPEAKER_00]: where anything below that is not okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you won't accept it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They've never literally sat down to figure it out and it's hard.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Actually, I will say it's impossible to literally get to your destination if you don't know where you're going.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You're just going to keep going in circles.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So to get clear on exactly what you want and then become that one thing at a time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When we think of healing ourselves sometimes it's overwhelming because we're like, oh, there's so much
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[SPEAKER_00]: But if you say, hey, I want a relationship that is loving and trusting and where they're it would commit to me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it has commitment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You have to become that first.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I'll tell people, I said, what are some of your goals?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And they'll say, hey, I want to get up in the morning at six o'clock every day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I want to meditate every day, whatever those things are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I ask them, okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So when you make this commitment to yourselves, how often do you not do it and you let yourself down?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, you know, things come up and I have to cancel or I'm not able to, well, what you're doing is you're showing the universe that I can't kick my own commitments.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So guess what, you're sent a person who can't commit.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So again, starting off, you're going to focus on the things that you want and you're going to focus on becoming them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, I'll give you an example.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I used to be the most impatient person ever because I was one of those business people who was like, hey, we got to get it done.
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[SPEAKER_02]: We have deadlines.
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[SPEAKER_02]: That's me.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It is.
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[SPEAKER_00]: What I realized is I wanted a relationship when I wrote where I feel supported, right?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I felt like I can support my partner.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But one of the things that I need that translate to support is patient because I have goals and I have dreams and ambition, but it's going to take time to get there.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I am going to mess up so I'm going to be patient.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I realized
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not very patient, so I focused on patient.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So in traffic, you know, if there's somebody who need to get over, I said, I'm gonna always let them over.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm going to be considerate and do these different things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, I'm not going to know that I'm patient until I start hearing people say, hey, you're patient because I heard the opposite all the time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You're so impatient.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it took about a year, a year and a half.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was doing something and somebody was like, wow, you're so patient.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You run the most patient, men that I've ever met.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and then I started hearing that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I started to realize I was becoming what I wanted in a relationship, and that was needed first.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So then I can attract that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Outside of that, we're literally asking God to send us this amazing person.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We're not that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I ask people I say, listen, if you're praying for this person, this patient, and trusting, and loving, and all these things, if they are that, guess what they're praying for?
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[SPEAKER_00]: The same thing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you are not being that,
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[SPEAKER_00]: why would you be sent to them when you're not the prayer that they're praying for?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we always say that, become the person you want to date.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that's the key to everything.
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[SPEAKER_01]: That makes so much sense.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I like where we're headed here because here's a question.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You only know what you know.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So if you only experience toxic behaviors and relationships in your past, especially in your upbringing, how do you gain clarity on what it is you're looking for in a relationship?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And what you're getting at here, Pharaoh is first step is looking at yourself and saying, who is the person you want to become first before getting that clarity on what you're looking for in relationship?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Is that what we're talking about here?
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[SPEAKER_00]: for sure.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you said something that is very important.
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[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people they've never seen or had an example of what they want.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But what I tell people is start with because a lot of times, just like you said, you don't know what you don't know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So you don't even necessarily know what you can actually attract or have because you've never seen it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But start with your emotions.
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[SPEAKER_00]: How do you want to feel every day?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'd like to ask people, what are the three top emotions you want to feel every day?
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[SPEAKER_00]: It may be joy, it may be empowerment, it may be support.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, now you start there and then you start with those emotions and that will give you the guiding light to figure out what you actually need.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: If you want empowerment in a relationship, then you need someone who literally is going to be able to affirm you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, someone who's going to uplift you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody who is motivational.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And once you start understanding those emotions you want to feel, it'll be very easy for you to create the list of what you're actually looking for.
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[SPEAKER_02]: You said something interesting before about, if you only like 65% of yourself, you're gonna find someone that like 65% of you.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Do you think that that is coming from like attracting someone that maybe has stuff they need to work on themselves or is it more that you see the 35% because that's what your focus on that you don't fully love about yourself?
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[SPEAKER_00]: This is an interesting question because a lot of people kind of get it mixed up in the sense of they're like,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I always have something to work on and it's not about that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's about embracing all of you and realizing that it's a journey.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, it may be 35% of yourself for your like, hey, I'm still working on these things.
16:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I am content and happy and I embrace all of me and who I am and I know that I'll continuously get better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then you'll be able to track somebody who is literally the same.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They're like, hey, I'm not perfect.
16:38
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not perfect.
16:38
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want to do life with you and support you as you continue to grow in vice versa.
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[SPEAKER_01]: There is just so much joy and passion when you talk about this, Pharaoh, that it makes me wonder, I'm going to take a step back and ask you, what happened in your personal life that inspired you to be on this journey to helping people bettering their relationships.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so it's so interesting because my quest didn't necessarily start with the relationship.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: If you know my story or anybody who's following me, you'll see that, you know, at the age of 29, 30, and went through a bad breakup, and then that breakup caused me to look internally.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It was the first time in a relationship where I couldn't fix it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Nothing that I said, I couldn't let me get her back and it made me realize there's something that is wrong with me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: There's something that I need to fix because the result of the breakup is something that I did.
17:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So it caused me to go on the spiritual journey and travel the world, go to different spiritual temples and all these things looking and trying to figure out how to heal and how to become a better version of myself.
17:39
[SPEAKER_00]: But it really starts before then because my whole life, I was searching for love.
17:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know how much you all believe in like zodiac signs But it's very interesting a lot of times, you know women especially are like how can you understand or connect on emotional level a lot of guys can't do that What my zodiac sign on my Pisces and Pisces is like this sign of you know, brotherly love they just want to love their theme would be can we all just get along
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then my moon sign is Scorpio, which it has to deal with the deeper emotions, the depths of emotions.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So my whole life, I was a young man, but I was emotion, I felt everything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was homeschooled, so I lived with my mother and my sisters.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And as they would feel different emotions than talk about them, I knew how they felt and I can relate to them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But the thing was, I had this whole of pain because I didn't live with my real father.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't allowed to have a relationship with them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was a young man who literally just wanted to love my father.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't understand why he wasn't in my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And growing up, I felt all of these emotions, but it got to this point where I couldn't cry anymore because you know, I was getting older.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And my mom was like, you know, you need to be a man.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you just need to accept it.
18:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But those emotions, I still felt them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So growing up as I started getting older and started getting a relationship, it'll be deep emotions that I wanted to talk about.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we only in the context of relationship with the woman we're at, felt understood.
19:04
[SPEAKER_00]: None of my homeboys, none of them being willing to talk about emotions.
19:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But for me, the emotions were driving force in my decision-making process.
19:12
[SPEAKER_00]: even my drag for success was wanting to prove that I was worthy or that I was worth attention or should be validated.
19:22
[SPEAKER_00]: So I said, hey, I need to be super successful.
19:24
[SPEAKER_00]: So people will pay attention to me.
19:26
[SPEAKER_00]: But I guess what?
19:26
[SPEAKER_00]: That's coming from unmet emotions.
19:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So my whole life I was trying to figure out
19:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Why do I feel these things and where is it coming from and the broken relationship that I went through it brought everything to the surface and maybe realize I need to deal with the things that I was feeling internally and that is really what brought my quest together and maybe realize that there's a lot of
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: people I would say the majority of people on the planet have emotions that they don't know how to deal with them so they put them to the side and those emotions are I like to say energy and motion they never go anywhere there's just buried but during the times of stress during the times of challenge they will explode and come out but we don't have a lot of resources on the planet people who literally understand emotions to a deep level to help people make peace with them and then be able to direct them into manifestation and the things they actually desire.
20:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you think that's the root of it then that like the reason why people are going for relationships that aren't serving them is that they can't manage their emotions and understand what they really need?
20:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Of course.
20:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, for sure.
20:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also let's take it deeper when we think of all the problems in the planet.
20:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I believe it's all emotional.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's think of hatred, let's think of narcissism.
20:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, narcissists, those people at one time, they want it love, they want it connection, they want it something, they weren't able to get it.
20:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of them turned off their emotions into decided that they are going to take and get what they need from others at the other person's expense, right?
20:52
[SPEAKER_00]: even when we think of how a lot of corporations are literally utilizing slave labor or not paying people in other countries and it's why.
21:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the people running those companies feel like their desires, their emotional needs, what they want are more important and it's better for them to do whatever it takes to be up here, even if they have to rock and have other people down below.
21:14
[SPEAKER_00]: It's awesome type of emotional level that then dictates our thoughts on the world on society and on
21:21
[SPEAKER_02]: I like that we just took it a level off.
21:23
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, yikes.
21:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm like the whole world is a version.
21:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
21:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm like thinking about school shootings, violence.
21:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's all based in emotions.
21:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We're not acting out of rationality there.
21:35
[SPEAKER_02]: On that topic, so I think you like the narcissist exam.
21:39
[SPEAKER_02]: I can hear people say, okay, does that mean I should, you know, try to understand what's wrong with them and what their deep rooted childhood issues are or is that up to them to make that change to find their own kind of emotional security and understanding with their emotions.
21:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, thank you for asking that question.
21:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Who's taking responsibility here, right?
21:59
[SPEAKER_02]: I could see people thinking both.
22:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And this is a really big question, right?
22:02
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a really big question because yes, it's the individuals responsibility to do the work to heal themselves emotionally.
22:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And we do have a responsibility to try to extend a helping hand and to try to help.
22:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and the reason why I said this is a big question because in the context of relationship, a lot of women especially are like, hey, you know, he had a really rough childhood.
22:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, yes, or he didn't receive love from his mom.
22:28
[SPEAKER_00]: you know he really needs me and we can't let the empathy of our heart allow us to be killed per se in the process.
22:36
[SPEAKER_00]: We're so loving and trying to help them that we're literally disconnecting from self love and allowing ourselves to be abused.
22:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think that is the root of why a lot of people stay in toxic relationships too.
22:49
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like this feeling that I can fix this person.
22:52
[SPEAKER_02]: I can help them and I think a lot of like empaths especially tend to get drawn to these because like the positive of having such a big open heart, but then the negative being like you're sacrificing yourself in the process.
23:05
[SPEAKER_00]: It goes really deep because, you know, for the last 2,000 years, we've been in an energy and age of, they call it the Piscian age, and it's literally the age of the Savior.
23:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I need to help, I need to save this person even at the detriment of me sacrificing myself.
23:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, and now we're moving to another age, we call the age of Aquarius, which is in age where it's about knowledge, it's about information, and it's about you realizing it's your job to save yourself.
23:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We cannot be our best self and help anyone until we've gone to the point where we've literally saved ourselves, and we've created a life with the things that we actually need.
23:46
[SPEAKER_00]: only at that point can we give the overflow, but a lot of people are trying to give out a half empty cups and they don't have the complete strength, the complete clarity to actually help anyone.
23:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So both people are actually suffering.
24:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So with that, here's a hard question, possibly, is at what point do you carry out your role as a supporting loving partner and help your partner through whatever it is or going through versus at what point is it too much.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You're sacrificing too much of yourself for the sake of this relationship.
24:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Where do you draw the line?
24:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I think this question is kind of complex.
24:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It's pretty situation though, but I'm gonna answer the question.
24:24
[SPEAKER_00]: But the reason I say it's situational is because people attract relationships in different stages of their journey, for example.
24:31
[SPEAKER_00]: It depends on if you start at the relationship and you all were on the same page and it was an even relationship where they're building you up, you're building them up and you start off love.
24:40
[SPEAKER_00]: and then they go through something, right?
24:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But they have the desire to grow and learn still they're struggling.
24:45
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's a different situation.
24:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you should be there to support and you'll probably put a little bit more effort because you know the context of the relationship started off in a supportive relationship.
24:54
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's different than there's people who got in relationships just because they don't want to be by themselves.
24:58
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't want to be alone and it started off where
25:01
[SPEAKER_00]: She was doing everything for him and he was using her from the beginning and once you start to wake up and realize like hey I deserve something better and that partner has never contributed anything to you.
25:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Then that's a situation where you know You should be leaving and being ready to leave faster than the first relationship.
25:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense?
25:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I think a big difference, I'm just for my own personal experience.
25:23
[SPEAKER_02]: I think a big difference is when you stop putting your needs first.
25:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Because, you know, there's always going to be something that someone's going through.
25:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, that's inevitable.
25:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, what the range of it is obviously ranges dramatically.
25:36
[SPEAKER_02]: But I think the time is when I feel like maybe I was in more of a toxic relationship was when I was sacrificing my own needs and almost losing yourself a bit.
25:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And being like, well, this person is going through this.
25:48
[SPEAKER_02]: or not say what I'm thinking versus okay they're going through this I'm going to still support them but I also am not going to hold back anything that I need in my relationship and if I can't get met then I'll have to evaluate if this is the right relationship for me.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I just don't want people listening to this and getting into the what I call the web MD diagnosis of the relationship.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: They're like, I'm in a toxic relationship.
26:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I think yeah, you know, because people are very sometimes we're like, okay, I'm going to piece out because things are hard.
26:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Relationships are hard.
26:19
[SPEAKER_01]: There is a reason to stay in them, but also we've got to recognize when it is toxic and we're putting their needs before ours.
26:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, toxic gets thrown around a lot.
26:29
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I think I love the definition you gave.
26:31
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's a really good one.
26:33
[SPEAKER_02]: I think any type of like dating doesn't go someone's way of one's like I've seen a toxic relationship And it's like yeah, there might be signs of this, but a lot of it does come from within so I think it is that balance and if your needs aren't getting met Do you have the right skills from your own development to have the conversations and that's a you thing not them thing
26:52
[SPEAKER_02]: And if they're still not being met after that, then you can, like, say that this isn't the right relationship.
26:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think a lot of people forget that a successful relationship is built.
27:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone was to find a good guess.
27:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
27:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
27:04
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to build it.
27:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And in the building process, just like you said, there's work, a lot of work.
27:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, sometimes in order to get to the next level.
27:13
[SPEAKER_00]: There's going to be this standstill where you literally are working back and forth getting clarity, getting on the same page.
27:20
[SPEAKER_00]: But as you two are aligned and determined to make it work in both partners are putting it in effort.
27:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Then there ends up being this breaking point which is the door opening of the break through for you to then go to the next level.
27:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that it is very important in the people listening should know that both partners should be putting forth effort to first develop and heal and work on themselves.
27:42
[SPEAKER_00]: and then come together with the goal in mind of the relationship and putting the work in effort to move forward in the relationship.
27:49
[SPEAKER_02]: That's like the number one bullet is effort.
27:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Are both people putting in the effort?
27:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I know like looking back on the relationships I define as toxic, I was the one putting in the effort.
28:01
[SPEAKER_02]: It feels one-sided, but when two people, my current partner, one of the things that I love about him, he's always there to meet me.
28:09
[SPEAKER_02]: We might not always agree on everything.
28:11
[SPEAKER_02]: We might not always be 100% on the same page, but he always wants to make it work.
28:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Do what it takes to make it work.
28:17
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think if both people are doing that, that's a sign.
28:20
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not toxic versus you're basically extending yourself or someone that's not reciprocating.
28:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think what makes a toxic relationships that people might state, they want to work on things.
28:31
[SPEAKER_01]: The intent is there, but the needle is not moved.
28:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's say you get out of a bad toxic relationship and it's time for a reset.
28:40
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you feel about this reset?
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: What should people be doing?
28:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Should they be taking a dating sabbatical?
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, 100%.
28:49
[SPEAKER_01]: What does that look like?
28:49
[SPEAKER_00]: First of all, if you've gone through a toxic relationship, that energy literally has been your life for whatever amount of time, you could have been going through it for the last three years.
28:59
[SPEAKER_00]: That energy is in and around you.
29:01
[SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of people then want to date and get another partner.
29:04
[SPEAKER_00]: But guess what?
29:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Energy is around you that you're attracting people from that energy of toxicity.
29:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So you literally need time to reset.
29:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I like to give the example of social media because everyone knows about Instagram, right?
29:17
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're scrolling on your page and you have the same type of feed all the time, we'll say for example you suddenly get into food pages and you start clicking on food pages, what happens is when you reset that algorithm is now going to send you what you want it, but you literally have to change your actions.
29:35
[SPEAKER_00]: right?
29:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's the same thing.
29:37
[SPEAKER_00]: So you literally need time to understand what you want to understand what you were doing to attract that in the first place and have time to change your action so that algorithm of dating changes and now you can be sent what you want.
29:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And even me for me and it's important too because a lot of men don't like the idea of being celibate or going celibate, right?
29:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that is important for you to have a physical
30:04
[SPEAKER_00]: so you literally can become and get into your own energy again because only when we are connected to our self can we understand or realize what we need.
30:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Before that, toxicity, breathe, confusion.
30:17
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're confused, how are you going to know what you need?
30:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So taking a break is very, very important.
30:22
[SPEAKER_02]: I think the best thing I ever did for my dating life was take a year break from dating.
30:26
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I realized there was always someone lingering, whether it was like a friend's of benefits, or just being on a string of dates that your energy was so focused on other people, and I also realized even now
30:37
[SPEAKER_02]: I was just like going out all the time and, you know, not being alone in my thoughts to really get to know yourself, so I do think taking the break allows you to get to who am I and what we're kind of talking about at the beginning part of this like you have to become that person in order to attract what you're looking for.
30:54
[SPEAKER_00]: agree.
30:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's important to spend time with yourself because even though people are like, oh, I'm going out.
30:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm having fun.
31:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Really the source of that is you want to be around other people.
31:04
[SPEAKER_00]: You want someone else's attention.
31:06
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to share someone else's energy.
31:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of people don't feel comfortable being in their own energy and spending time with themselves.
31:14
[SPEAKER_00]: But we want someone else to spend time with us.
31:17
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like love yourself enough to spend time with yourself.
31:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can understand what you need.
31:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Give it to yourself.
31:22
[SPEAKER_00]: And now the standard that you're imprinting into the universe is my needs deserve to be met.
31:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
31:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Because if no one else does, I love myself enough to meet them and I'm happy with that.
31:34
[SPEAKER_02]: like we've definitely seen people before call it master dating.
31:37
[SPEAKER_02]: That's our term for dating yourself.
31:40
[SPEAKER_02]: But like we've seen people you know bend over backwards for someone that isn't giving them what they really need to have a date on a Friday night versus if you're secure in yourself you're like oh this person isn't actually adding value to my life and meeting me where I am so you're okay just spending the night yourself.
31:56
[SPEAKER_02]: So I think that does shift your energy to being
32:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I like the shift to yourself because when some people think of dating sabbaticals, they think about going on some crazy vacation, having a wild time somewhere distractions.
32:14
[SPEAKER_01]: But you're saying, be alone with yourself, be alone with your thoughts, figure out your needs.
32:18
[SPEAKER_01]: What are some other ways people can make the sabbatical a productive one?
32:23
[SPEAKER_00]: It's interesting because there's different type of trips, right?
32:25
[SPEAKER_00]: There is the trip where I'm going to go and I'm have fun and I'm going to party.
32:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But then there's also the trip that, you know, a lot of people may say is a spiritual trip or say like a yoga retreat or things like that.
32:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Because those things are designed, yes, there will be other people there, but it's designed to give you time with yourself in a different environment.
32:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Because a lot of time, different environments pull out different aspects of our self.
32:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm all for, you know, taking a solo trip to Sedona for a weekend, being in a different environment, but it's by yourself or maybe a yoga retreat or things where it's designed for you to be able to spend time with yourself.
33:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And then another thing which is powerful is to try new things and be comfortable with doing them alone.
33:07
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, before I went to that breakup and I was like 30 years old, I didn't even know
33:11
[SPEAKER_00]: like hiking.
33:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I love hiking now.
33:13
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know I liked hiking.
33:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know that I liked nature.
33:17
[SPEAKER_00]: After that I would go to the park and just read and it ended up being one of the most peaceful things that I incorporated into my life.
33:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know that I liked meditation.
33:26
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, so it's a lot of things that I didn't know that I liked, but I said hey listen, now is the time for me to explore and try things differently by myself so I can be alone with my own thoughts.
33:35
[SPEAKER_00]: some offer you exploring and trying things, but in a way where you're still connected with yourself and not trying to distract yourself.
33:43
[SPEAKER_02]: So one of the things we kind of talked about up front, too, was with toxic relationships.
33:48
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, like, what is a toxic relationship?
33:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Everyone's quick to throw that around.
33:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes you legit are in a very toxic relationship.
33:54
[SPEAKER_02]: And you've done all you can, and it's still toxic.
33:57
[SPEAKER_02]: And then there's other times that we've definitely heard people say this.
34:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's kind of like they're trying to fit around Peg and a square hole.
34:04
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think this was my situation was this person's telling you they can't be what you want them to be.
34:10
[SPEAKER_02]: yet you're still trying to do it.
34:11
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think that really comes from within of the validation and some of the stuff we were talking about.
34:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Like how do you use this dating sabbatical to kind of separate like what is me that I need to kind of hone in on like the internal feelings and emotions versus the people on picking.
34:29
[SPEAKER_02]: How do you differentiate the two and start in a way that you're just not repeating the same patterns over and over.
34:34
[SPEAKER_00]: It always starts with you in the sense of, yes, you may have picked a person that had attributes that you didn't like, which were toxic.
34:42
[SPEAKER_00]: But you still picked a person.
34:44
[SPEAKER_00]: No one made you date that person.
34:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
34:46
[SPEAKER_00]: It's something in you that was attracted to that person.
34:50
[SPEAKER_00]: And I like to give this example.
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I talked a little bit about it earlier, but I want to bring it home.
34:53
[SPEAKER_00]: When we talk about the subconscious and the conscious mind, remember the conscious mind's only 10%.
34:58
[SPEAKER_00]: So you think you
35:04
[SPEAKER_00]: And he has a great job.
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the conscious things.
35:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you haven't done this personal work, you're also attracting and pulling in toxicity, negativity that you have been used to.
35:14
[SPEAKER_00]: You just don't know it.
35:15
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't come out into month to month six a year from now.
35:19
[SPEAKER_00]: To answer your question is, yes, that person had attributes that you didn't like, but it is something in you that attracted that person.
35:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And once you change that, your attraction changes.
35:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, no, yeah, that's 100%, so when you take that sabbatical, you have to know that, hey, I attracted this person in my life and it didn't work and the universe is trying to teach me something trying to show me and what that lesson is is that there's work within me that needs to be done so I no longer attract at people like that and what you're going to find is that your attraction, the type of people, the type of places you even go changes so you start
35:57
[SPEAKER_01]: that is so key for people to hear because something we tend to hear is there's nobody good out there.
36:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
36:03
[SPEAKER_01]: They're all the same.
36:04
[SPEAKER_01]: They're terrible people out there.
36:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And it makes sense if all you're doing is looking for red cars.
36:10
[SPEAKER_01]: We give the red car example live.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You're only looking for red cars.
36:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That's all you're going to find.
36:14
[SPEAKER_01]: But you can do this dating algorithm reset symbolically.
36:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It does make a huge difference in the people you start seeing and opening your
36:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I love that example of dating algorithm research because it's like we have so often like we'll exit our bumble profiles and delete them so we're like at the top it's like the same idea if you can think about the sabbatical that way.
36:37
[SPEAKER_00]: We have to realize that we probably need to learn how to date differently and in order to attract a different type of person a lot of times you have to again go to a different type of environment.
36:49
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, a lot of women per se would say, hey, just like you said, all the good guys are taken.
36:53
[SPEAKER_00]: There's not a lot of good people, and then I ask them, where do you normally meet people?
36:58
[SPEAKER_00]: They may say, you know, dating sites, they may say, you know, when I go out, well, you understand the type of person that is in that environment.
37:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Not to say that there's not any good people on dating sites.
37:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Not to say, there's not any great people who go out.
37:11
[SPEAKER_00]: But you're saying you want someone who's responsible.
37:13
[SPEAKER_00]: That's about their business.
37:15
[SPEAKER_00]: That is able to communicate.
37:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, listen.
37:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I know for a fact that me, the type of person that I am and I've done a lot of work, I come across a lot of men who are like that and they don't want to waste their time dating with no purpose because they are focused and they want to build a family in the legacy.
37:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But guess where these type of guys are, I might go to a conference, a business conference.
37:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
37:36
[SPEAKER_00]: A real estate conference.
37:38
[SPEAKER_00]: These are men, these are people who are literally,
37:41
[SPEAKER_00]: They understand they don't know everything.
37:43
[SPEAKER_00]: They're doing personal work and personal development So they're open and they're coachable.
37:47
[SPEAKER_00]: They're open to learn new ways and a lot of them have a goal or a plan for themselves And they're looking for somebody to share that with and these particular people make myself out of really go to the clubs
37:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't do a lot of these things, so you'll never find a lot of these point-those environments.
38:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, you have to change what you're attracted to, and disconnect from the old environment and start looking for new environments where those people literally live and thrive.
38:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that is so real and I think it's just like you're told like oh, you go to bars to meet people or use the dating apps.
38:21
[SPEAKER_02]: I ever like what are my friends would just like always meet these guys out and about that never wanted to commit.
38:27
[SPEAKER_02]: But they would all be like drunk when they met each other and you know the guy that will come up to you at the bar.
38:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that isn't the person that's like they're probably doing that to every girl, right?
38:36
[SPEAKER_00]: just to to bring the point home when people are like, there's not a lot of men or people like that.
38:41
[SPEAKER_00]: I give it a good example.
38:42
[SPEAKER_00]: You all have heard of like 20 relevance, right?
38:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Tony Robbins, you know, conference may have 10,000 people.
38:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
38:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Literally are like, I need a breakthrough.
38:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I need to become better.
38:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to change my life.
38:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Out of those 10,000 people who already have the baseline understanding of growth, I promise you, not saying that you should go there today, but I'm just giving you an example, that there are people literally dedicated to becoming better.
39:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Generally, you start from a healthier point in relationship.
39:13
[SPEAKER_02]: I have so glad you brought up Tony Robbins because not that I didn't meet so when I told you Robbins, but I did meet someone right after going to a Tony Robbins conference.
39:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And I really do think that it was like bad-a-fested there because that was like my attention.
39:27
[SPEAKER_02]: The next day on Hinge was this message from not my current partner but the one before.
39:33
[SPEAKER_02]: And I guess it leads to the next question is like now that you've done this work, you've done this reflection like how do you start manifesting the person you want to be with?
39:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Well the first thing is you have to put yourself back out there because it's interesting how much fear a lot of people have after they've done this work.
39:49
[SPEAKER_00]: and they're like, I don't want to mess it up or I don't want to go through a situation where I have to do all of this over.
39:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So you have to be able to trust yourself, trust your intuition, knowing that you're not the same person that you used to be.
40:03
[SPEAKER_00]: So don't bring that past experience and that fear into your future.
40:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So you gotta have that confidence and start putting yourself out there.
40:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the first thing I would say is to start putting yourself in environment,
40:15
[SPEAKER_00]: like we're talking about Tony Robbins, Yoko events, you know, things where you feel like these type of people live and exist and then you just really just start there but it's going to be a higher level of trust and getting rid of and disconnecting from that fear, the fear of meeting someone who's going to waste your time or you'll manifest that if you're stuck in that so you gotta disconnect from that.
40:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh man, that's huge.
40:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so huge to get yourself out of that and free yourself out of that fear because I think the number one fear for most data is when they're restarting dating again is repeating the same patterns.
40:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, self-filling prophecy.
40:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're the same types of people again, but what you're saying is if you believe that's what's out there.
40:56
[SPEAKER_01]: That is what you're going to see.
40:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
40:57
[SPEAKER_01]: But if you can free yourself of that belief, I think that's just step number one is getting rid of that belief that you will be seeing something a little bit different.
41:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm having a hard time kind of understanding because we were talking about suffering at the beginning of this interview.
41:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you think everyone has to go through suffering in order to reach these breakthroughs or want to go through this transformation?
41:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can't say everyone has to, right?
41:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I don't have the scientific data to back that up.
41:27
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do know scientifically that the majority of people are programmed to not really change until there is some type of suffering because the suffering then opens up your awareness to look for other options or look for more.
41:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And most people don't know that
41:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Something is wrong until they start feeling the pain.
41:50
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, when we talk about broken relationships, if that's all they've seen their whole life, they think that it's normal.
41:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Until they get into it and it relies that this is so painful, that there has to be something else, and then they start seeking something different.
42:03
[SPEAKER_00]: So to answer your question, I think that the majority of people don't seek other options until their relationship is painful, or their situation is failing, but I don't believe that we have to stay there because a lot of entrepreneurs, I think, are adopting a mindset, and I'm so happy that a lot of people now are like,
42:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I want to go for my dreams in my goals because a lot of people have done a lot of self development work.
42:26
[SPEAKER_00]: They realize that there's always avenues for growth and there's always avenues to become better.
42:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So they retrain their brain to look for new solutions even before problems exist, which is powerful.
42:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking for the solution because I know that this may fail in three years or five years or 10 years.
42:45
[SPEAKER_00]: So when you do that to yourself, you're like, hey, one day I want to be able to speak on stage.
42:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not there yet.
42:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So let me take some communication classes now.
42:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It may be three years later, but I would have already developed.
42:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Once we adopt that mindset, we'd literally
42:59
[SPEAKER_00]: can change our lives and humanity, humanity will start growing at a higher level because no longer will be waiting for things to be broken before we change it.
43:09
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll be proactive to start making decisions and changing things beforehand.
43:15
[SPEAKER_02]: I think about it to like kind of like addiction like you don't have to hit bottom.
43:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Like there was always a saying like you have to hit bottom in order to get help.
43:24
[SPEAKER_02]: And I think more and more people are saying you don't have to hit bottom to stop and get sober.
43:29
[SPEAKER_02]: Like you can see the writing on the wall like you don't have to get into a verbal or physical abusive relationship to know something is toxic.
43:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Like you can see the signs understand what you really want and get out before it gets that bad.
43:44
[SPEAKER_02]: this that helps people not have to go to like the bottom in order to get up.
43:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And thank you all so much for the work that you're doing because it takes platforms like Venice.
43:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It takes a passion of individuals like yourself to start creating this change.
43:58
[SPEAKER_00]: For example, you know 50 years ago, there wasn't such an awareness of working out.
44:03
[SPEAKER_00]: and being fit and being healthy.
44:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So what we're people doing, wait until they got sick, to make lifestyle changes.
44:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
44:11
[SPEAKER_00]: But because of all the awareness and social media and all these things, people are realizing like, it makes more sense for me to start working out, being healthy, eating healthier now.
44:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't have to become sick.
44:23
[SPEAKER_00]: So if we can do that in relationships and then we can start,
44:26
[SPEAKER_00]: doing that in community, the world would change.
44:29
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm very, very excited and grateful for the work that you all are doing because you all will be in the history books.
44:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to be like, hey, yeah, stay out, change the culture.
44:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Say with you, that's why we had you as a guest.
44:42
[SPEAKER_02]: This is a really good segue to some takeaways because this conversation has been really eye-opening.
44:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Even for people like us that are talking to all the time about this, I learned so many new things.
44:52
[SPEAKER_02]: I think the first one, maybe this is an a new thing, but it's a recurring theme that sits with us all the time is relationships start with you.
45:01
[SPEAKER_02]: Like the relationship with yourself is the number one relationship in your life.
45:06
[SPEAKER_02]: and the more you can get clear on that relationship, get clear on ways that you can grow that relationship.
45:13
[SPEAKER_02]: That's when you start attracting the relationships that will fulfill your cup and not deplete from it.
45:20
[SPEAKER_02]: I think the other big one is accountability.
45:22
[SPEAKER_02]: I really believe accountability is the number one outside a community.
45:26
[SPEAKER_02]: education that over one thing you need in dating in relationships.
45:30
[SPEAKER_02]: It's so easy to blame other people.
45:32
[SPEAKER_02]: It's so easy to blame our environments, but until we become accountable, we're not going to see any change.
45:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I think the third takeaway I have is not letting fair get in the way, because I think that really spoke.
45:45
[SPEAKER_02]: I know for anyone that's gone on the self.
45:47
[SPEAKER_02]: improvement journey.
45:48
[SPEAKER_02]: It's really scary to like see that all the work was not useful because you're back at the same situation again.
45:55
[SPEAKER_02]: But how do we reshift the situation?
45:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Maybe we can't control if someone's going to ghost us.
46:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that's on them.
46:01
[SPEAKER_02]: We can't control it, but we do control how we react and how we let that continue on in our journey.
46:06
[SPEAKER_02]: So the more that we can look at the baby steps in growth, opposed to, okay, we need the whole world to be different.
46:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And everything to be operated completely different than before I went on this journey.
46:17
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's a better approach than expecting everything to change just because you're starting to change.
46:22
[SPEAKER_01]: love that.
46:23
[SPEAKER_01]: My major takeaway is taking a deep breath and thinking about how after a toxic relationship or a slew of toxic relationships, people are looking for blame.
46:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it me?
46:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it the apps?
46:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it the people on the apps?
46:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it the dating culture?
46:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think we can just chalk it up to.
46:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the system that you were brought up in.
46:46
[SPEAKER_01]: That's
46:46
[SPEAKER_01]: to blame and that's not you or other things.
46:49
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the system but you, yourself, you have the control and power to change that system.
46:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You can break free from that system and I hope that's a main message we can all take away from this.
47:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's stop trying to find blame and know that you have the power
47:05
[SPEAKER_01]: to change what the system that you were brought up in.
47:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I also love this idea of growth as preventative care.
47:13
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the apple of day.
47:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Keep the doctor away.
47:16
[SPEAKER_01]: If we just adopt a growth mindset and keep
47:20
[SPEAKER_01]: growing to a point of getting to the best versions of ourselves.
47:24
[SPEAKER_01]: We get ahead of these problems in relationships.
47:27
[SPEAKER_01]: That's such a light bulb moment for me to think about that because we often talk about couples therapy and marriage counseling and people do that after they have issues.
47:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's deep seated in
47:40
[SPEAKER_01]: It issues that have been present for years if we can get ahead of that and maybe go to couples counseling earlier, maybe study up a marriage before you're in a relationship.
47:49
[SPEAKER_01]: That is a growth mindset that will prevent you from encountering these problems later on, but also helping you recognize the symptoms of these problems early on, so they don't get so bad that they blow up that you need 10 therapists for one issue that you've been
48:09
[SPEAKER_01]: The very last takeaway is what it sounds like to me is that we all deserve to think about our needs a little bit more.
48:16
[SPEAKER_01]: We're often trying to get other people to like us back, meeting their needs, thinking about others that we forget.
48:23
[SPEAKER_01]: What is it that I actually need in life in my relationship?
48:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love what you said Farrow when you take that time for yourself in your dating
48:32
[SPEAKER_01]: spend with time with yourself and figure out what it is that you actually need.
48:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And your rule of thinking about what are the three emotions I want to feel every day?
48:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a great starting point.
48:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Awesome.
48:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, thank you so much, Farrell, for being on our podcast.
48:46
[SPEAKER_02]: It was worth the wait.
48:47
[SPEAKER_02]: We were so happy to have you.
48:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Can you tell everyone where they can find you if they want to learn more about you?
48:54
[SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on Instagram at Ferro333 and also on YouTube at Ferro Kyle.
49:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And then TikTok now, I'm going to TikTok and it's the same as the Instagram Ferro333.
49:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Awesome, I will also link in our show notes too.
49:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Fantastic.
49:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you all so much.
49:13
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a pleasure.
49:14
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a lot of fun.
49:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You are great.
49:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You're great.
49:17
[SPEAKER_02]: I think it's like diving is mutual, yes.
49:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna say, y'all've been doing some personal development work, huh?
49:24
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah, I mean, caught us, yeah, that's a very full-time job.
49:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's why your content spoke to us so much, especially you are empowering people to be on this movement of bettering themselves so that they can have better relationships.
49:39
[SPEAKER_01]: When your cup is full, you can be there for other people.
49:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So we are so unbored with that message.
49:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry for this, not cute transition, but if you would also like to fill our cup, please give us a reading review in Apple Podcast.
49:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It really fills our cup so that we can fill our content cup for you.
49:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry, that wasn't that graceful, but I had to insert that message somewhere.
50:03
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, back to this warm fuzzy feeling of thank you for sharing that message with the world because we are your biggest supporters in that message.
50:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
50:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
50:11
[SPEAKER_00]: It was a pleasure.
50:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you haven't done so yet, subscribe to the psychology of relationships today, so you don't miss an episode.
50:18
[SPEAKER_02]: Bye.