Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 244. Friendship betrayal, she threw us both under the bus - NOW WHAT? 😢

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244. Friendship betrayal, she threw us both under the bus - NOW WHAT? 😢 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 4: I need your advice.
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Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?
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Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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Speaker 4: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
0:51
Speaker 3: Welcome back to another bestI Advice episode. This is one
0:54
Speaker 3: of our favorite times of the week at least, where
0:56
Speaker 3: we get to bring in anonymous submissions from all of
0:59
Speaker 3: you beautiful listeners and real life, real stories and real
1:02
Speaker 3: challenges that you guys are really needing and wanting and
1:04
Speaker 3: des hiring a little bit of support on. So, as
1:07
Speaker 3: you guys know, we have a lot of friendship questions,
1:10
Speaker 3: of friendship wounded questions come in so we want to
1:13
Speaker 3: talk about friendship today.
1:15
Speaker 4: For us, Ashi, the.
1:16
Speaker 2: Title is friendship betrayal. She threw us both under the bus.
1:19
Speaker 2: Now what, it's quite a long one, said buckle in Ready. Hi, besties,
1:24
Speaker 2: I really love your advice on how to move past
1:25
Speaker 2: betrayal when you can't get closure. Last year, I moved
1:28
Speaker 2: in with a close friend I'll call her my housemate.
1:31
Speaker 2: Our friendship felt really meaningful. We had boasted very personal
1:35
Speaker 2: things with each other over the years and support each
1:36
Speaker 2: other through difficult experiences. I genuinely believe there was a
1:39
Speaker 2: lot of trust and loyalty between us. Over time, the
1:42
Speaker 2: house became emotionally overwhelming for me, and I made the
1:44
Speaker 2: difficult decision to move out from my own wellbeing. During
1:48
Speaker 2: the period between telling her I was leaving and actually
1:50
Speaker 2: moving out, I tried incredibly hard to be mindful of
1:52
Speaker 2: her feelings. I reassured her many times that my decision
1:55
Speaker 2: wasn't about rejecting our friendship, that I still cared about
1:58
Speaker 2: her deeply. I tried to have open, vulnerable conversations because
2:01
Speaker 2: I really wanted to prevent misunderstandings or resentment building between us.
2:05
Speaker 2: She could understand, but I could feel a certain coldness
2:07
Speaker 2: from her. I kept trying to communicate honestly and preserve
2:10
Speaker 2: the friendship, but looking back, it started to feel like
2:12
Speaker 2: I was the only one really trying to keep the
2:13
Speaker 2: door open. After I moved out, things felt distant, but
2:17
Speaker 2: I assume we were just adjusting resently. Though, another friend
2:20
Speaker 2: who happens to be my housemate's sister in law, told
2:23
Speaker 2: me that my housemate had spoken about me very negatively
2:25
Speaker 2: during a family discussion with several relatives present. Apparently a
2:29
Speaker 2: lot of blame is placed on me for things that
2:30
Speaker 2: simply weren't true and some personal things that I trusted
2:33
Speaker 2: her with and also shared. Hearing that honestly broke my heart.
2:37
Speaker 2: What hurts most is that she never came to me
2:39
Speaker 2: directly about any of these issues. While I was trying
2:42
Speaker 2: to communicate openly and protect the friendship. It seems a
2:44
Speaker 2: narrative about me was being shaped very differently behind my back.
2:47
Speaker 2: The complicated part is the only reason I know any
2:49
Speaker 2: of this is because my friend confided in me privately,
2:52
Speaker 2: and she wanted to warn me of the horrible things
2:54
Speaker 2: my former housemate had said, and just to be careful
2:56
Speaker 2: of her because she's a different person behind my back.
2:58
Speaker 2: If I co in front of my housemate to bring
3:00
Speaker 2: up the things she had said, she'd only said it
3:02
Speaker 2: to those family members and no one else, and then
3:04
Speaker 2: tried throwing them to secrecy, it would expose my friend
3:07
Speaker 2: and potentially damage her relationship with her own family, which
3:10
Speaker 2: I absolutely don't want to do. Another side to the
3:12
Speaker 2: point is that after all that my housemate had just
3:14
Speaker 2: spoken about me behind my back, came to me and
3:16
Speaker 2: brought up the family meeting, essentially threw her sister in
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Speaker 2: law under the bus, just like she had done to me.
3:21
Speaker 2: I didn't know at this point that she had spoken
3:23
Speaker 2: badly with me. It's like she was playing at both sides,
3:26
Speaker 2: like she was trying to turn us against each other.
3:28
Speaker 2: I'm just so confused, So now I'm left holding the
3:30
Speaker 2: information and the hurt that comes with it without being
3:33
Speaker 2: able to address it directly. What makes it even more
3:35
Speaker 2: confusing is that since all this happened, my housemate has
3:38
Speaker 2: still invited me to dinner and tried to socialize as
3:41
Speaker 2: if everything's normal. That leaves me feeling incredibly conflicted, and
3:44
Speaker 2: I'm sure about how to show up in the friendship.
3:46
Speaker 2: I truly don't want to become bitter or resemful. I
3:49
Speaker 2: want to rise above this and keep my integrity intact.
3:52
Speaker 2: But if I'm honest, the betrayal sits heavy in my chest,
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Speaker 2: and it's made me questioning whether the friendship was ever
3:58
Speaker 2: as genuine as I believed it was. How do you
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Speaker 2: emotionally release something like this when you can't have the
4:02
Speaker 2: conversation or get real closure. How do you stop the
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Speaker 2: hurt from living in your nervous system when someone you
4:07
Speaker 2: trusted deeply has rewritten the narrative about you behind your back.
4:11
Speaker 2: I want to move forward with grace and peace, but
4:13
Speaker 2: right now it still feels like a wound that hasn't
4:15
Speaker 2: had the chance to fully heal. Love to you both,
4:17
Speaker 2: and I can't wait to hear your take on this.
4:20
Speaker 4: Oh, I have so much compassion. Oh, it's so hard.
4:25
Speaker 3: I can understand why you would want to kind of
4:26
Speaker 3: preserve their relationship, But if this is something that's super
4:29
Speaker 3: important to you, like, I don't know, is it just
4:31
Speaker 3: something that you bring up.
4:32
Speaker 4: I don't know that that's the answer that I have.
4:34
Speaker 3: Like, I can also relate to not addressing things because
4:38
Speaker 3: things have felt like they've gotten maybe too far, and
4:41
Speaker 3: it's like too far gone where you just maybe you
4:43
Speaker 3: don't feel like that's quite an option for you. And
4:45
Speaker 3: as somebody who has been through something quite similar, I
4:48
Speaker 3: can understand wanting to just move on, grieve what it
4:52
Speaker 3: was that you had, and then make peace with it. Yeah,
4:55
Speaker 3: sometimes that is the best option. But I think that
4:58
Speaker 3: I feel like I'll always give this advice when it
4:59
Speaker 3: comes to communication, is that like you're better off trying
5:02
Speaker 3: to communicate than to try to assume or to try
5:05
Speaker 3: to yeah, play Chinese whispers. I think that's a hard
5:08
Speaker 3: thing as well when there are other people involved, because
5:10
Speaker 3: by the time it gets to somebody else, it's already
5:12
Speaker 3: a different story and it can only go through one
5:14
Speaker 3: person before what they heard comes out very differently. And
5:18
Speaker 3: I just think it's always worth being willing to have
5:20
Speaker 3: the conversation, regardless of what it might create. The situation
5:24
Speaker 3: has happened regardless. Yeah, so you either have to hold
5:26
Speaker 3: it and you have to be willing to let go
5:28
Speaker 3: of it and grieve it on your own, or if
5:31
Speaker 3: you feel like you don't want to do that, or
5:32
Speaker 3: you feel like maybe you can't fully do that, I
5:35
Speaker 3: would say just take it to the person and just
5:37
Speaker 3: be like, look like this is what I've heard. Can
5:39
Speaker 3: you share with me what your experience has been or
5:42
Speaker 3: your side of the story, and I would love to
5:44
Speaker 3: hear it from you directly of like, is this true,
5:46
Speaker 3: did this happen?
5:47
Speaker 1: Was this said?
5:48
Speaker 4: And can I ask why?
5:50
Speaker 1: I agree?
5:52
Speaker 2: I think you need to think about is this a
5:53
Speaker 2: friendship that you want to repair or is this a
5:55
Speaker 2: friendship that you want to grieve and let go of,
5:58
Speaker 2: because I think regardless, I would still try and have
6:00
Speaker 2: a conversation, but the conversation would be different depending on
6:02
Speaker 2: whether I want to remain friends or not. Yeah, by
6:04
Speaker 2: the sound that she's really hurt, you really betrayed you,
6:06
Speaker 2: and in that case, you don't trust her. I think
6:09
Speaker 2: without trust, it's pretty hard to have a really beautiful
6:11
Speaker 2: connection unless that person's like one hundred percent willing to
6:14
Speaker 2: take all ownership and responsibility for her part, which you'll
6:18
Speaker 2: find out with the conversation that you have with her. Yeah,
6:20
Speaker 2: I don't think you need to go in and say like, oh,
6:22
Speaker 2: this person said you said this about me, because it's
6:24
Speaker 2: he said she said. I would just go ahead and say, hey, like,
6:26
Speaker 2: I don't assume anything. All your friends for so long,
6:29
Speaker 2: and I know the energy is different between us. I
6:31
Speaker 2: can feel there's something here and I wanted to open
6:34
Speaker 2: up this conversation to see if you are willing to
6:36
Speaker 2: meet me here. And I know it's a hard conversation,
6:38
Speaker 2: but I want to know how you're feeling and if
6:40
Speaker 2: anything came up for you when we moved out, and
6:42
Speaker 2: like why it feels like this because I can't be
6:44
Speaker 2: alone and.
6:44
Speaker 1: Feeling that the energy is off.
6:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I just don't want to do surface, so
6:47
Speaker 2: I don't want to pretend everything's okay if it's not.
6:49
Speaker 2: I care about how you feel, so like, can you
6:51
Speaker 2: meet me here? And I think how she responds to
6:54
Speaker 2: that will give you a lot of your answers. And
6:56
Speaker 2: sometimes too people can give us a response and it
6:58
Speaker 2: still doesn't sort of land, and that could be a
7:01
Speaker 2: good sign that the chapter's done.
7:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, we were talking about this morning.
7:03
Speaker 2: With the relationships and friendships, it's just so hard to
7:06
Speaker 2: grieve what once was and except that it's going to
7:09
Speaker 2: look different now, but it is a part of life. Unfortunately,
7:12
Speaker 2: things don't always remain the same and you can agrieve
7:15
Speaker 2: it for a really long time. But I think in
7:16
Speaker 2: your guard an intuition, you'll know whether you want to
7:18
Speaker 2: continue with this.
7:19
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think like without conversations, we don't know
7:22
Speaker 3: if that person is going to be willing on you,
7:24
Speaker 3: Like you mentioned, we won't know if they're willing or
7:26
Speaker 3: not until you face them with the problem, until you
7:28
Speaker 3: see how they're going to behave until you see how
7:30
Speaker 3: they navigate that situation, like what you said, do they
7:32
Speaker 3: take accountability?
7:33
Speaker 1: Do they not?
7:34
Speaker 3: Do? They continue to talk and then something else happens again,
7:37
Speaker 3: Like only you will know what that feels like, probably
7:39
Speaker 3: when you're in it, having the conversation and you're experiencing
7:42
Speaker 3: that relationship again.
7:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, it's so true.
7:45
Speaker 2: I remember I had a friendship once I told you
7:48
Speaker 2: about this one too, where like she just wouldn't pick
7:49
Speaker 2: up the phone, she wouldn't talk. It was only via
7:51
Speaker 2: a text message.
7:52
Speaker 1: I'm like, we're not.
7:52
Speaker 2: Getting anywhere, Yeah, let's just meet up unless she will
7:55
Speaker 2: text like yeah, but it was like, I can't go
7:58
Speaker 2: any further with this if you're not prepared to have
7:59
Speaker 2: a conversation with me, like on the phone, FaceTime, or
8:01
Speaker 2: face to face.
8:02
Speaker 1: It's like got to a point where I'm like I
8:04
Speaker 1: don't know what to do any more.
8:05
Speaker 4: This is a long distance friendship.
8:06
Speaker 1: Literally, like, this isn't going to continue.
8:08
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be friends with someone that can't
8:10
Speaker 2: have a conversation with me. I'm going to sweep this,
8:12
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about it.
8:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's also just where you're at and what
8:16
Speaker 3: you want from a friendship and what you require from
8:18
Speaker 3: like a reciprocal relationship where it's two people investing into
8:21
Speaker 3: one and that makes a lot of sense.
8:24
Speaker 4: Solve things through text, no, Like, we're definitely this all
8:27
Speaker 4: the time too.
8:27
Speaker 2: The matter something gets icky, whether it part or friendship,
8:30
Speaker 2: keep trying to text. It just gets blown up to
8:32
Speaker 2: be way bigger than what it needs to be.
8:34
Speaker 3: Yeah, how easy is it to misinterpret misread based on
8:37
Speaker 3: the mood that you're in, You're.
8:38
Speaker 4: Going to know how you want to read it. Yes,
8:40
Speaker 4: you're a problem you're going to find Yeah.
8:41
Speaker 3: Yeah, and the story that you're telling yourself in your
8:43
Speaker 3: head is going to come true so long as you
8:45
Speaker 3: read it in your own tone of voice.
8:48
Speaker 1: Evidence they're saying what they're saying.
8:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, And we've we've one hundred percent learned this where
8:53
Speaker 3: if we're having like a conversation around something, or either
8:56
Speaker 3: of us or both of us feeling trigger. If we
8:57
Speaker 3: just on FaceTime, we're like immediately softened so much better. Yeah,
9:00
Speaker 3: Or face to face because we can face to face, Yeah,
9:02
Speaker 3: because it's like there's no barrier of the phone. It's like, oh,
9:05
Speaker 3: I can actually feel this human in front of me,
9:08
Speaker 3: not just a screen in my wound exactly.
9:10
Speaker 2: And I've done that with Steven many times. Texting back
9:12
Speaker 2: and forth is just.
9:13
Speaker 1: Not a good idea.
9:14
Speaker 4: It just escalates so quickly it does. But yeah, I
9:18
Speaker 4: think with this, I.
9:19
Speaker 3: Can definitely relate to the situation you've been in around
9:21
Speaker 3: them moving out, taking it personally, Yeah, having friendship wounds
9:25
Speaker 3: come up when it comes to those sorts of things.
9:27
Speaker 3: But I just, yeah, I think you can tiptoe and
9:30
Speaker 3: try to communicate as best as possible. If that person
9:32
Speaker 3: isn't willing to hear you in the way that you
9:34
Speaker 3: mean it, there's not much you can do. Like sometimes
9:38
Speaker 3: people forughtever reason, are going through what they're going through
9:40
Speaker 3: or committed to their story, committed to the wound, believe
9:44
Speaker 3: that they feel the way that they feel and they
9:45
Speaker 3: believe that's true. And if that's the case, then maybe
9:48
Speaker 3: there is a misalignment. Yeah, maybe it's not as aligned
9:51
Speaker 3: as you think it would be. Otherwise that person will hear.
9:53
Speaker 2: You, and doesn't mean you have to look back at
9:55
Speaker 2: the past and like, oh, it was our friendship ever
9:57
Speaker 2: as genuine as what I thought it could have been
9:59
Speaker 2: for that season, and now it's changed. Yeah, people change
10:02
Speaker 2: when they go through hard times or when they get triggered.
10:04
Speaker 2: She might have felt super rejected and super took it personally,
10:07
Speaker 2: like you know, she's allowed to have her experiencing that
10:09
Speaker 2: as well, and that might have changed the dynamic of
10:11
Speaker 2: your friendship and that might be where it's at right now.
10:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't mean you.
10:15
Speaker 2: Might not ever be friends again, or maybe you won't.
10:17
Speaker 2: It's just a hard pill to swallow. That is a
10:19
Speaker 2: part of life.
10:20
Speaker 4: Friendship stuff sucks.
10:21
Speaker 1: And relationship stuff. Hey, it's just it's forever changing.
10:24
Speaker 2: It will forever change, and it's I find it one
10:27
Speaker 2: of the hardest part of life because you just want
10:28
Speaker 2: things to stay how they work, because I feel so
10:30
Speaker 2: safe and nice when you're in it.
10:32
Speaker 1: It's true, but it does change.
10:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think as well with relationships is navigating
10:37
Speaker 3: different people, different wounding, different conditioning, Like you really are
10:40
Speaker 3: bringing two completely different people together and hoping that like
10:45
Speaker 3: you guys will stay together, or that you'll be able
10:47
Speaker 3: to navigate things efficiently. And when you're living together, like
10:50
Speaker 3: with what you guys are going through, whether it's intimate
10:52
Speaker 3: relationship or friendship, you're exposed to each other all the time,
10:55
Speaker 3: being constantly triggered. Your wounds are coming up, like they
10:58
Speaker 3: get super vulnerable. So you know, all of those things
11:00
Speaker 3: that don't get access when you live by yourself and
11:03
Speaker 3: you can hide away, like don't act have the ability
11:06
Speaker 3: to come up?
11:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, i'd invite you also, like all the
11:09
Speaker 2: things that have come up for her, and she's felt
11:12
Speaker 2: and she's done, and she said, like, I would also
11:15
Speaker 2: have a look at yourself too, what's come up for you?
11:17
Speaker 2: I'm not saying you have done anything wrong, but is
11:19
Speaker 2: it certain things that I don't know, like an energy
11:22
Speaker 2: you put off once or have you played it a
11:24
Speaker 2: part in this too? Which I know can be hard
11:26
Speaker 2: to hear, but I just think there's always two to tango. Yeah,
11:28
Speaker 2: and you can always take responsibility and part of it.
11:31
Speaker 2: I look back at all my past relationships or friendships,
11:33
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I can see how when I said
11:35
Speaker 2: that would have made them feel like that. But I
11:37
Speaker 2: can see how I shut down there. I can see
11:38
Speaker 2: how I was anxious there. I can see that comment
11:41
Speaker 2: definitely wouldn't have made them feel good. You can own
11:44
Speaker 2: your part and it can help you have a bit
11:45
Speaker 2: more compassion for what they're going through, and you hope
11:47
Speaker 2: when you're both owning it, that's when you can come
11:49
Speaker 2: back together and be like, fuck, I can see I'm
11:51
Speaker 2: so sorry I did that, And it's like normally triggers
11:53
Speaker 2: the other person to be like, oh my god, me too.
11:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so true. You sad. Sorry if that'sh me,
11:58
Speaker 1: realize I did da da da.
11:59
Speaker 2: Yeah. So it's just like also taking responsibility when you
12:01
Speaker 2: go to her with that conversation. I think that could
12:03
Speaker 2: soften her being like hey, or I'm assuming you could
12:06
Speaker 2: have felt really rejected when I decided to move out,
12:08
Speaker 2: and that would have been really really hard and I
12:09
Speaker 2: should have come in more and done eg. I know
12:11
Speaker 2: you said you reassured her, but it's even looking at that, Okay,
12:14
Speaker 2: how did I approach that?
12:15
Speaker 1: Was it in a way that I thought would be
12:16
Speaker 1: really good for her? But did I know her love language?
12:18
Speaker 3: Well?
12:18
Speaker 2: I could I have done it differently? Yeah, it's just cool.
12:21
Speaker 2: It's not to blame or shame yourself. It's just to
12:23
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, what's experience. What have I learned from this?
12:25
Speaker 2: How could I do this better next time? Could I
12:27
Speaker 2: prevent further breakdowns if I did things differently? Yeah, it's
12:31
Speaker 2: just cool to explore that as well. I think anything
12:33
Speaker 2: go through, yeah, is an invitation to learn and grow.
12:36
Speaker 4: Oh, it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.
12:39
Speaker 1: It is so rattling, isn't it.
12:40
Speaker 3: Yeah, But also as well, sometimes with friendships there is grief,
12:43
Speaker 3: Like we both have had so many friendships in the
12:46
Speaker 3: past and things that we've had to grieve, and not
12:48
Speaker 3: just friendships, but also relationships people you grieve like, oh yeah,
12:51
Speaker 3: who no longer get to come on the journey with you?
12:53
Speaker 3: And I think grief, unfortunately, is a huge part of
12:56
Speaker 3: life and it's part of the life lessons that we
12:58
Speaker 3: have to learn in and amongst all of this. And
13:00
Speaker 3: again it doesn't make it any easier, but it just
13:03
Speaker 3: you become better at learning how to deal with it
13:05
Speaker 3: when you have got your own back. Definitely, everything that
13:08
Speaker 3: you go through and if you know how to.
13:09
Speaker 2: Regulate your nervous system, yeah that yes, before you go
13:13
Speaker 2: into any conversation. Don't go unheated when you're feeling super triggered, Like.
13:17
Speaker 1: Give yourself some time. Yeah yeah, there's no rush on
13:19
Speaker 1: when you need to do that either. I hope that helps.
13:22
Speaker 4: Good luck, good luck so much love yeah bye,