Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Sex = Freeze Tag Analogy.... Why She's Not "Getting It Somewhere Else" If She Doesn't Want Sex With You

Transcript

Sex = Freeze Tag Analogy.... Why She's Not "Getting It Somewhere Else" If She Doesn't Want Sex With You · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show.
• 0:09
  If you follow me on Tick, Tock I had an analogy that I made this
• 0:13
  analogy before I think about sex being like freeze tag and that
• 0:17
  will help you understand why it is not correct that.
• 0:20
  If your wife doesn't want sex with you, she must be getting it
• 0:23
  somewhere else which is what a lot of guys.
• 0:25
  Particularly the more preoccupied attachment guys.
• 0:28
  Tend to think you know and you see this all over the manosphere
• 0:33
  and that is inaccurate and we will talk About why just?
• 0:36
  As soon, as I tell you to subscribe my most recent
• 0:38
  subscriber episode was on the unique relationship issues of
• 0:42
  doctors. And if that is relevant to you,
• 0:45
  then you should definitely subscribe.
• 0:46
  And if not, you should subscribe for the other over 100 episodes
• 0:50
  including the bonus episode on oral sex on women.
• 0:54
  All right, so let's say that you have a long day at work and you
• 0:59
  come home and your kid is like you know, 6 years old and says
• 1:04
  come on down let's play. He's tagged and you say, buddy,
• 1:07
  I'm kind of tired. I don't want to play freeze tag
• 1:10
  right now, maybe on the weekend and he says, no, come on, dad.
• 1:14
  Come on. I was thinking about freeze tag
• 1:16
  all day. I knew you were thinking about
• 1:19
  it too, you know, and you must want to play freeze tag like how
• 1:23
  I want to play freeze tag and you're like, nobody.
• 1:27
  I was not thinking about playing freeze tag all day, I was
• 1:29
  thinking about my boss being an asshole, all day or whatever.
• 1:32
  And I was not thinking about freeze tag At all and your kids
• 1:37
  like are you playing freeze tag with somebody else?
• 1:40
  Is there another kid that you go to work and you sneak out and
• 1:43
  play freeze tag with because I can't understand this.
• 1:46
  I think about freeze tag all the time.
• 1:49
  And the only reason you wouldn't want to play freeze tag with me
• 1:51
  right now is if you already got to play freeze tag with somebody
• 1:54
  else today, which is not fair. Because you know, I like fries
• 1:57
  tap. You be like that's like not how
• 2:00
  adults work. And I don't want to play freeze
• 2:02
  tag with anybody, and you should be lucky.
• 2:04
  I'm playing freeze tag. You, because I hate freeze tag.
• 2:07
  I used to like Freestyle, but I barely even remember being the
• 2:10
  guy that used to, like freeze tag because that was about 40
• 2:13
  years ago. And I don't remember shit from
• 2:16
  then. And honestly, you know, you
• 2:18
  might get kind of annoyed because you're not playing
• 2:20
  freeze tag with somebody else. And of course, you wouldn't put
• 2:22
  it like that to your kids, but you would think that it was
• 2:24
  quite ridiculous and spoke to his, you know, lack of maturity
• 2:28
  that and lacked. Then of concomitant empathy with
• 2:32
  an adult mindset. Which, of course he's not
• 2:34
  supposed to Because your fictional child in this scenario
• 2:37
  is only six years old, so he doesn't know shit about what
• 2:40
  it's like to be an adult. And he doesn't know that adults.
• 2:43
  Never think about playing freeze tag like ever, you know?
• 2:46
  And they may play it. They may have responsive desire
• 2:51
  for freeze tag and when you're out there playing freeze tag
• 2:54
  with your kid. If he can coerce you into it
• 2:56
  then you may be like man this is fun.
• 2:58
  I should do this more and then promptly about like literally 10
• 3:02
  seconds after that you will never think about it again.
• 3:05
  Till the next time he tries to get you to play freeze tag out
• 3:07
  which time. You're probably, also not going
• 3:09
  to remember that you liked it and you'll be like nobody, I'm
• 3:12
  too tired because you yourself are not anymore.
• 3:15
  A person who likes to play freeze tag and being a person
• 3:18
  who like to play freeze tag is so far away developmentally from
• 3:22
  where you are right now, then it's kind of hard to even
• 3:25
  remember what it would be like to be somebody that thinks in
• 3:29
  their brain during the day, about the potential of playing
• 3:33
  freeze tag later, that is just so, So far from where you're at
• 3:36
  now. Where am I going with this
• 3:37
  analogy will? Unless you are you know like
• 3:40
  have never listen to my show before you probably know what
• 3:43
  I'm going to say is that's like sex for your wife, your wife has
• 3:47
  so much less of a drive than you and with in monogamy so much
• 3:51
  less than she had outside of monogamy, which is and also so
• 3:55
  much less than she has a younger woman that she cannot even
• 3:59
  really remember what it's like to be someone who thinks about
• 4:02
  sex all the time if she was ever that person.
• 4:03
  Now, if she was never that person, Then it's like as though
• 4:06
  you never like freeze tag ever. It's like it's like if you have
• 4:10
  a kid with like some real weird thing, but they liked and would
• 4:12
  be like, oh, remember Dad, when you used to like, to collect
• 4:15
  bugs and you're like, buddy, I never used to collect bugs like
• 4:17
  that's your mother's side of the family, man, that's not me.
• 4:20
  I was playing soccer, but, you know, it's like that.
• 4:24
  So she, you know, your wife, if she never thought about sex
• 4:26
  during the day, then she really, really, truly cannot understand
• 4:30
  why you would think that she would, but let's say that she
• 4:32
  used to, it feels like it's so long ago.
• 4:35
  And probably is probably like 15 years ago back the last time
• 4:38
  that she thought about sex all the time during the day and
• 4:41
  really wanted to do it in the way that you think about it now.
• 4:44
  Because monogamy, Plus Age and children really changes woman's,
• 4:49
  you know, their sexual appetites as I've said innumerable times.
• 4:53
  And this is particularly Salient at all.
• 4:56
  The times of the cycle, when they're not ovulating and before
• 4:59
  ovulation is better than after. And certainly, but for many
• 5:04
  women, it is like Couple days out of the month, they think
• 5:06
  about sex at all and the rest of the time they just don't, that
• 5:11
  does not mean of course, that they can't enjoy it.
• 5:13
  Because as I've discussed many times, women do not understand
• 5:16
  and men do not understand how responsive desire Works.
• 5:19
  Women no longer really have spontaneous desire.
• 5:22
  And you should go back to my podcast about this and I talked
• 5:25
  about this Morris arousal. Let me don't start off with
• 5:27
  arousal. Usually, when they are long
• 5:30
  married with kids, they don't think boy, I'm horny now.
• 5:33
  And I think I just want a, you know, My husband Zoom call in
• 5:36
  the Next Room, like, unless they're ovulating, or unless he
• 5:39
  just did something really awesome, or they saw some really
• 5:41
  hot guy on the street that made them.
• 5:43
  Remember, what do youse to be like for a split second when
• 5:45
  they were 25 years old or who the hell knows?
• 5:48
  But usually like, you know, 99% of the time, they are not having
• 5:53
  random interceding thoughts about sex, if they are a
• 5:56
  monogamous and or older than, you know, mid to late 30s.
• 6:01
  Right and for some women, it's mid to late twenties.
• 6:03
  Like it all depends on The libido.
• 6:05
  And for some women. Again, it's never they have
• 6:08
  never had a spontaneous thought. It would be nice to have sex
• 6:10
  right now. And for a lot of men in sexless,
• 6:13
  marriages, that is the person your wife is right, never ever
• 6:17
  thought about freeze tag ever. So basically, it's cool if guys
• 6:23
  can empathize with this and and and understand because then they
• 6:27
  stop themselves from going down rabbit holes.
• 6:29
  Like if she's not having sex with me she must be having sex
• 6:33
  with someone else that is is ludicrous.
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  This for the 90s. Sorry, 87% of women that don't
• 6:39
  cheat because it's only 13 percent of women that are
• 6:42
  Unfaithful. According to statistics that I
• 6:45
  you can easily Google the same things from The Institute for
• 6:48
  of, for family studies, 20% of men, and 13 percent of women.
• 6:52
  So it's quite a lot more men. I have cheated, but all the rest
• 6:57
  of those women aren't cheating. What?
• 6:59
  So it's just like maybe there is some random psycho that is
• 7:04
  having Freeze tag out there with like some somebody else's kid on
• 7:09
  his work break and that's why he doesn't want to play freeze tag
• 7:11
  with his own son, but that isn't really very common obviously,
• 7:16
  and it's also not very common for women to not want sex at
• 7:19
  home because they're sleeping with somebody else.
• 7:21
  What is really common is that they don't think about it
• 7:23
  because they don't think about it.
• 7:24
  Because of literally what I'm saying about, why you don't
• 7:26
  think about free stack because your brain is no longer
• 7:29
  biologically programmed to think about play as a primary
• 7:34
  motivator. Throughout the day, you know and
• 7:37
  just like her monogamous older brain, female monogamous older
• 7:42
  brain and you only need a couple of those, you know, you only
• 7:45
  either female in monogamous or female and older like you don't
• 7:48
  even need both. But, you know, anybody listening
• 7:52
  to this is probably in a monogamous relationship but the
• 7:55
  point is is that her brain doesn't work like that, she
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  doesn't think about it because she doesn't want it.
• 8:00
  Now some guys they start to try to like control what the woman
• 8:03
  is thinking and they start to think that Could think better
• 8:05
  than her and that they could outthink her and that they know
• 8:08
  that she's actually secretly having an affair or that she
• 8:11
  must be masturbating because if it was them of course they would
• 8:15
  have to masturbate during the day furiously and secretly in
• 8:18
  order to not have any desire at night.
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  So thus she must be doing that. No, she's not because of the
• 8:24
  freeze tag analogy, you're not having secret freeze tag during
• 8:27
  the day. You just don't think about free
• 8:29
  stack, right? And so you may have responsive
• 8:32
  desire for free stack and you'll do that if you're a good dad.
• 8:35
  That. So if your kid says, I really
• 8:37
  want to play freeze tag, it's the most important thing in my
• 8:38
  life, every day, the entire day, thing about playing freeze tag
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  with you, you know, then you'll be like, okay, well, I guess we
• 8:45
  could play some freeze tag, you know, and this is really no
• 8:48
  different from what your wife would say, if you initiate sex
• 8:51
  and she really loves you and she was never thinking about sex
• 8:54
  during the day doesn't want to be having sex.
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  Now, never experienced a spontaneous arousal anymore.
• 8:59
  She will think all right. I love him.
• 9:02
  I'll try and when I try, maybe I like it.
• 9:05
  You know, and hopefully I will. And if his, you know, then if
• 9:09
  you listen to all my tips about how to make sex better for your
• 9:11
  wife, then hopefully eventually she will start to think more of
• 9:15
  what I said in my post or podcast about what high libido,
• 9:18
  women feel and that's still within monogamy.
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  And with age is not spontaneous desire, generally speaking
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  except for some very high libido outliers.
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  But the the point is, here, is there still not thinking that
• 9:33
  with the high libido? Women are thinking is This will
• 9:35
  be fun. I know this will be fun.
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  So I want to do it versus I am so horny I can barely get
• 9:41
  through my work calls today. You know, that should is from
• 9:44
  MILF porn. Like, that isn't like reality,
• 9:47
  but, but anyway, so you would have for you would play freeze
• 9:50
  tag with your son. And if you're trying to be a
• 9:53
  good dad, you wouldn't do it as much as he wants it, because
• 9:55
  there is no as much as he wants it.
• 9:57
  He would do it all day every day constantly.
• 9:59
  Similarly, your wife will have sex because she loves you, and
• 10:03
  because she knows second, Early that it will be fun, but you're
• 10:07
  not going to do it as much as you want it, because she doesn't
• 10:09
  want it that much, right? So, there's got to be in healthy
• 10:12
  marriages, some form of a compromise and an
• 10:14
  acknowledgement that we are not the same, you know?
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  And so if you would have freeze tag all day every day and she
• 10:22
  never wants freeze tag, then y'all can't have freeze tag
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  every day, every day all day, right?
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  That just doesn't make sense. I would just be one person, you
• 10:30
  know, coercing. The other person can't really do
• 10:32
  that. So you know what about you Mais
• 10:35
  like you, you want to play freeze tag?
• 10:37
  Never your son wants to play, freeze tag all day every day.
• 10:40
  So you play freeze tag, you know, for a couple hours on the
• 10:43
  weekend now, you know, sounds pretty good, right?
• 10:46
  So she doesn't want any sex, you do want sex.
• 10:49
  So you're compromising up sex for a couple hours on the
• 10:51
  weekend. Most married guys would be
• 10:53
  pretty cool with that couple hours would indicate you're
• 10:55
  having sex for an hour Saturday in our Sunday.
• 10:59
  All right fine. So then she's being a great wife
• 11:00
  I think especially because she doesn't want to have sex at all
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  you know in this In a situation where she does where, you know,
• 11:07
  have a higher set point. Then also understanding, you
• 11:11
  know, to compromise would get you a little bit higher and a
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  situation where she has much lower of a set point, and
• 11:16
  literally never wants it at all. Then, you know, it could be less
• 11:20
  than once a week, but I mean less than once a week, you
• 11:23
  already, you know, go down to kind of a sexless sort of
• 11:27
  situation if it's no balls because then if you miss a
• 11:30
  couple weeks, you know, etcetera Etc.
• 11:32
  Which is a situation that people know all too well but The point
• 11:35
  is here is irrespective of what you decide to do with your
• 11:38
  actual sex life that you're actually having what you don't
• 11:41
  want to do is assume that there's something wrong with
• 11:43
  your wife, for not thinking about sex or that she's lying to
• 11:47
  you. Or that she's secretly
• 11:48
  masturbating or secretly having an affair or secretly wanting
• 11:52
  other things that you are not giving or yet.
• 11:55
  Like, if she says to, I don't think about sex.
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  Just say, oh, that makes sense. I don't think about freeze tag
• 12:01
  or I don't think about whatever the fuck her hobbies are and her
• 12:04
  interests. Like, do you think about like,
• 12:07
  when you are going to go shopping for your summer
• 12:09
  wardrobe? I don't think so.
• 12:12
  You know, but she probably thinks about that.
• 12:14
  Do you think about, you know, whether a little, Jimmy, your
• 12:17
  kid is being emotionally validated by his preschool
• 12:20
  teacher? I don't think so but she thinks
• 12:22
  about that. So you're not lying.
• 12:24
  You're not secretly. Having other emotional
• 12:27
  conversations about your children's emotional validation
• 12:30
  with other women just because you don't want to have them with
• 12:33
  your wife. You don't want To have them at
• 12:35
  all and that's okay. So as long as you do have them
• 12:39
  sometimes with your wife, you know it you are not
• 12:42
  biologically, set up as a person who yearns to have deep
• 12:46
  emotional conversations about the emotional experience of
• 12:49
  Jimmy at preschool. And that's cool.
• 12:52
  You know? But wouldn't it be cool are one
• 12:54
  of two things if she continued to tell you, there was something
• 12:58
  wrong with you, for not wanting to do that.
• 13:00
  And or if you were secretly doing that with somebody else.
• 13:04
  And I tell occur which, of course, This is insane and or if
• 13:07
  you refuse to ever do it with her.
• 13:09
  So there's compromise in terms of what your actions can be.
• 13:12
  But no partner should tell the other one that what they are
• 13:15
  reporting that their lived experience is of what they think
• 13:19
  about during the day is wrong or weird or abnormal because like
• 13:23
  there's all these guys that are contacting me like my wife.
• 13:26
  So weird. She never thinks about sex.
• 13:28
  I'm like, no, your wife would be so weird if she did think about
• 13:30
  sex. But God, like, all of y'all is
• 13:33
  wives. Don't think about sex, you know.
• 13:35
  At least as much as you do and at least as regularly as you do
• 13:38
  because that's literally how a monogamous older female is by
• 13:42
  older. I mean, you know, like older
• 13:44
  like it's like she's not she's not young anymore.
• 13:47
  So by 40 approximately nobody's considered younger anymore.
• 13:51
  I'd say that's a set point. You know that that you could say
• 13:54
  a half way Mark to up to 80, you know, that would be midlife,
• 13:59
  right? Would we 40 late 30s?
• 14:02
  Women do not feel like late 20s. Women do not feel like early
• 14:05
  Swimmin. I mean that's just, that's just
• 14:07
  reality. So for men, they, they get
• 14:10
  longer of having a sex drive, but it goes down to, and they
• 14:14
  like to pretend that it doesn't. And they could artificially
• 14:17
  inflated with Viagra Cialis, excessive porn use, but when
• 14:21
  they are in their natural state, a 40 year old male will have a
• 14:24
  lower sex drive than a 20 year old man.
• 14:26
  That is just an aging animal, you know, and that's how it
• 14:29
  goes. And I've talked about this a lot
• 14:31
  and it seems to be a really Salient subject for a lot of
• 14:34
  men. Men because they like to pretend
• 14:36
  that they're not aging and that then they are disappointed when
• 14:39
  their wife is, but she is because she everyone does.
• 14:42
  So lets, you know, accept that and move forward in an
• 14:45
  emotionally healthy way, versus trying to pretend that numbers
• 14:48
  don't mean anything. And I just did a podcast on this
• 14:50
  age is just a number. It's not real, and so hopefully
• 14:53
  you listen to that. So anyway, you can use this
• 14:56
  freeze tag analogy to help you understand why your wife isn't
• 15:00
  lying. That she doesn't think about
• 15:01
  sex, she isn't having sex with somebody else and The most
• 15:05
  unusual cases and the reality is she doesn't think about it.
• 15:10
  Like how you don't think about freeze tag?
• 15:12
  She doesn't want to have sex. The way you don't want to play
• 15:14
  freeze tag and if you get to play freeze tag and you enjoy
• 15:17
  yourself, that is responsive desire.
• 15:19
  That is analogous to the way that she will feel it,
• 15:21
  responsive desire. Hopefully, when she begins to
• 15:23
  have the sex with you, that she didn't really want to have, but
• 15:26
  if she has enough positive experiences, when having it, she
• 15:30
  will start to look forward to it and possibly in a blue moon may
• 15:34
  even think. Think about it during the day
• 15:36
  but may not because no matter how awesome your game of freeze
• 15:40
  tag is with your kid. It is unlikely that during your
• 15:43
  work day you are fantasizing about playing freeze tag with
• 15:46
  him again. And if you are the rare person
• 15:49
  who is fantasizing about playing freeze tag with your child, you
• 15:52
  can use any other any other analogy that you want about any
• 15:56
  other thing that your kid wants to do.
• 15:59
  Like go to Chuck E cheese or any fucking other thing that you
• 16:02
  don't want to do but that you do because you love him.
• 16:05
  And you want to be a sport, but you never do as much as he
• 16:08
  wanted because you're a grown-up and that's just not who you are
• 16:11
  anymore. And so this acceptance based
• 16:14
  approach can really help with communication and empathy
• 16:17
  between you and your wife. And this is something good to
• 16:20
  share and to discuss and especially if your wife doesn't
• 16:24
  like you only sending the podcast that have to do with,
• 16:27
  why she should have more sex. Here's a podcast on why maybe
• 16:30
  your expectations are part of the issue.
• 16:33
  And if your expectations were Rated for her internal world,
• 16:37
  then, perhaps it would be easier for you to accept what she
• 16:40
  actually is trying to do out of love for you versus saying,
• 16:43
  there's something wrong with her that she doesn't experience
• 16:46
  spontaneous desire. Like the women do in porn
• 16:49
  because she's not important. Okay.
• 16:52
  I will talk to you all soon. Have a great day guys.
• 16:54
  Bye.