Latest / Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia. / Healing Shifts Relationships

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Healing Shifts Relationships · Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

• 0:06
  Dora: Hola hola, welcome back to IMijita podcast, where we embrace our raíces, reclaim our essencia, and have the conversations that crack us open so we can come home to ourselves.
• 0:20
  Dora: Well, Mijita, can we talk about what happens when relationships begin changing?
• 0:27
  Dora: And it's not because someone cheated or there was betrayal, like similar to the soap operas Lasnovelas in Spanish, and especially not because something exploded necessarily, but because life changed you, healing changed you, grief changed you, and it could be also survival mode, just stopped working.
• 0:54
  Dora: Because maybe for the first time in your life, you're finally slowing down enough to realize wait, I need more, and you need more depth, honesty, intimacy, understanding like what's going on, softness in like holding you, or presence, just being present in the present moment, and that realization alone can shake entire relationships.
• 1:27
  Dora: So today we're gonna talk a little bit about that.
• 1:29
  Dora: So grab your beverage of choice, your cafecito, your tea, your or chata, whatever you want, and let's get into today's episode.
• 1:46
  Dora: I think a lot of us, especially first gen women, caretakers, mothers, high achievers, we learned relationships through survival.
• 1:57
  Dora: We learned to perform love in the way of like caretaking for others and making sure everybody else is okay.
• 2:05
  Dora: Provide love with everybody, like making sure everybody is supported.
• 2:10
  Dora: And I know my mom, for example, she shows love through food and she just makes sure that she asks you 20 times if you want to eat more, and also fixing everybody, like an innate feeling of like, oh, I gotta help fix this issue for that person, or somebody comes to you with a challenge and you want to just make sure everything's okay with them.
• 2:33
  Dora: And consequently, you overextend yourself.
• 2:36
  Dora: Like for me at work, sometimes I work really, really hard long hours, just to make sure I complete stuff on on time or a project.
• 2:44
  Dora: And I don't really necessarily say, hey, this is taking a little longer than I thought.
• 2:50
  Dora: Or we anticipate the needs of others and we try to get ahead of it, which there's nothing wrong with being anticipating, but sometimes that person didn't really need that.
• 3:00
  Dora: So or we decide to stay strong, and there's so many things that are thrown at us that come to us, the challenges.
• 3:08
  Dora: There's a whole lot of things, chaos that can happen, and we just decide, you know what?
• 3:14
  Dora: I'm just gonna tough it out.
• 3:17
  Dora: And another good thing I'm good at is suppressing emotions, and that is where you just contain all the emotions, you don't necessarily work through them.
• 3:28
  Dora: You just are like, okay, I'm sad, whatever, I'm just gonna keep going.
• 3:32
  Dora: Or you might be super happy, but you're like, nope, I'm moving on to the next thing, and you don't really celebrate yourself.
• 3:38
  Dora: And for a long time, that became our identity.
• 3:43
  Dora: But what happens when you start healing?
• 3:47
  Dora: What happens when your nervous system no longer wants chaos?
• 3:52
  Dora: What happens when your body says, I can't keep carrying everything anymore?
• 3:57
  Dora: And suddenly the way you used to connect with people no longer feels aligned.
• 4:04
  Dora: So for me, this season of chemo, healing, slowing down, rebuilding myself, it completely changed me.
• 4:12
  Dora: It softened me, it humbled me, and it cracked me open emotionally in ways I did not expect.
• 4:19
  Dora: Like I've been crying so much lately, like this pat this past month, and I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but there were moments where I realized I don't want surface level conversations anymore.
• 4:30
  Dora: I don't want to constantly be the strong one, and I don't want relationships where I disappear inside them.
• 4:38
  Dora: And that realization can feel terrifying because suddenly the dynamic changes, and it's been changing quite a bit, especially with my home family, um, my husband, particularly, because we've been having really in-depth conversations about things that used to really hurt me.
• 4:58
  Dora: And I always felt like there was limiting beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm not a good wife, I'm not a good um mom, or I don't cling good enough, and all these things.
• 5:11
  Dora: And I feel like because my love language is words of affirmation, that's where I need that positive reinforcement with words, and it could go both ways, right?
• 5:23
  Dora: Where the negative um like words, let's just call it that way, where like feedback and everything, if depending on how it's delivered for me, um, that's where I could take it as like a bad thing, right?
• 5:39
  Dora: And I internalize it quite a bit.
• 5:42
  Dora: And of course, reading from the four agreements of Don Miguel Reese, it's like don't take you know shit personally, but or words personally, but I do, and it affects me.
• 5:54
  Dora: So that's where just we'll going through the motions and learning a lot about the dynamics for myself and the relationships I have with others.
• 6:03
  Dora: It's been it's been a ride.
• 6:05
  Dora: Let's just call it that.
• 6:08
  Dora: Nobody prepares you for the fact that positive change can still create grief.
• 6:13
  Dora: Sometimes people only knew the version of you that survived, the version that overgave, overperformed, overexplained yourself over and over again, never rested, um, because you thought maybe it was laziness, or never asked for help because you thought, oh no, I'm just gonna do it on my own.
• 6:32
  Dora: And when you begin changing, people feel it.
• 6:35
  Dora: So even healthy growth disrupts old patterns, and disruption can make relationships uncomfortable.
• 6:44
  Dora: Not because someone is bad, but because systems get used to roles.
• 6:50
  Dora: So being that caretaker where again you're taking care of everybody else, the peacemaker or the peacekeeper of just making sure they're like everybody in the room is like at peace, there's no fighting, you're the mediator, or you can become the fixer where again you're going back and trying to fix everybody, or oh, this is a problem, you should do this, this, and this, and this.
• 7:14
  Dora: And maybe it's unsolicited advice.
• 7:18
  Dora: Or you're the emotional support person where everybody comes to you to kind of dump their emotions.
• 7:24
  Dora: And at times there might be an uncomfortableness of boundaries of like, okay, I don't have time for, or I don't have the space necessarily for you know this person to come and just like dump on me.
• 7:38
  Dora: Or again, the strong one, where you're the strong one, just suppress all your emotions and just move through it and swift through everything in life, all the challenges.
• 7:48
  Dora: And when you stop playing that role automatically, everyone has to recalibrate because they're so used to going to you for any of those things, and then all of a sudden you're like, okay, I don't have time or space because you start implementing boundaries, you start changing, and and it's all for you, right?
• 8:11
  Dora: You start healing, you heal these parts of you where being that people pleaser or trying to be everything for everyone else, you start discovering your own identity, and that's where you're staying true to yourself.
• 8:25
  Dora: And so other people are definitely gonna notice.
• 8:29
  Dora: One of the hardest parts of evolving is fearing people will think you like changed too much, or you became distant, or you became selfish, like hey, mira que se cree, you know, like that kind of thing.
• 8:45
  Dora: And you think you're better than them when really you're just trying to breathe.
• 8:51
  Dora: And at times that hurts because many of us deeply value connection and we want the love and that closeness and that community, but not at the expense of abandoning ourselves anymore.
• 9:06
  Dora: And again, staking truth and discovering who that is for you.
• 9:12
  Dora: There's a grief that comes when you realize the old version of you was easier for people to access because she required nothing.
• 9:23
  Dora: That person, she overextended herself, she tolerated so much, she stayed quiet and played small, and she carried it all.
• 9:34
  Dora: And now you're asking for reciprocity, you're in a way being more present and asking for presence, and definitely having that more in-depth communication, and the other thing that you want to create is emotional safety for you to be able to be you, and that is very different, it is a whole different evolution of you, and going through this awareness, that's where having these relationships evolve, and and that's completely normal.
• 10:15
  Dora: Definitely uncomfortable, but it is completely normal to evolve for yourself and for others, and when you evolve, you give permission to others to also evolve with you.
• 10:29
  Dora: Here's the uncomfortable truth: you cannot experience deeper connection while emotionally hiding.
• 10:36
  Dora: And many of us learned emotional hiding is protection.
• 10:40
  Dora: We learned like you don't want to go to people because you don't want to burden them.
• 10:45
  Dora: You want to stay quiet because it's better just to keep it to yourself.
• 10:50
  Dora: Like, that's how I was conditioned when I was younger.
• 10:53
  Dora: Um, where it's like, oh, you're a little kid.
• 10:56
  Dora: Like, what do what do you know, right?
• 10:57
  Dora: To speak up.
• 10:59
  Dora: Or the other thing that um I was taught when I was young was don't cry.
• 11:03
  Dora: Crying is a vulnerability, crying is weakness.
• 11:07
  Dora: And I did not know that crying actually was a huge release.
• 11:11
  Dora: And I even, as I was telling you, I cried all like this past month.
• 11:15
  Dora: Like, I've been so emotional.
• 11:18
  Dora: And the other thing that I can recall is like, don't need too much.
• 11:23
  Dora: You shouldn't be needy, like you should just be content with what you have.
• 11:29
  Dora: And don't be emotional, because again, that's a sign of vulnerability, or you don't have your shit together.
• 11:36
  Dora: And it's like the reiteration of you have to keep it all together, you have to be to you have to present yourself in a professional manner or very put together because what are people going to think?
• 11:50
  Dora: But intimacy, the real intimacy, that requires your truth, and that deeper connection sounds beautiful, right?
• 11:59
  Dora: Until you realize it asks you to communicate clearly.
• 12:02
  Dora: Like, what are your needs?
• 12:04
  Dora: What is it that you want and need in this moment, or convey like and relay to the other person and articulate what is going on with you?
• 12:14
  Dora: And that is very hard to do, especially when you're expressing emotions, because you it's okay to be mad.
• 12:20
  Dora: It's okay to be mad.
• 12:22
  Dora: And if you're very angry with someone, it's a matter of just telling them, hey, like, and you have to come with it, like not angry.
• 12:30
  Dora: You you have to kind of work through the emotion from a and then come from it with love and compassion to that person, and that's where you express to them, hey, there was something that happened, or do you have time to talk?
• 12:44
  Dora: I need to clear my chest on something.
• 12:47
  Dora: You know, is it time, is it appropriate time to talk?
• 12:50
  Dora: And you, if the if you live with the person, that might be uncomfortable because you might feel like you're walking on eggshells.
• 12:56
  Dora: That's what happened with my husband.
• 12:58
  Dora: Like I was trying to talk to him about something, and it was something in my chest for a very long time, like years.
• 13:03
  Dora: And it finally came to the opportunity where I could tell him, because he was gonna receive, he was ready to receive that information, that talk.
• 13:12
  Dora: Um, but if if it's someone that doesn't live with you, like you can probably I would say you could text them, hey, let me know when you have a chance to talk.
• 13:20
  Dora: I need to do, you know, I need to um I need to talk to you about something, and then just do a date.
• 13:28
  Dora: Um, and then it's better face to face.
• 13:30
  Dora: But again, we live in a world where everything's virtual, so that might not always be, or there's distance, right?
• 13:36
  Dora: So on the phone, and I know I've had these conversations with my mom, um, and it's really hard.
• 13:42
  Dora: I'm not gonna lie, it's really hard because you get a knot in your throat, and all these fears come up, right?
• 13:49
  Dora: Like, how are they gonna react?
• 13:50
  Dora: What is there gonna are they gonna explode on me?
• 13:53
  Dora: And that's where you can actually communicate those fears that hey, like I don't know how you're gonna take this.
• 14:00
  Dora: Um, I, you know, I'm trying to communicate this with the best intention, or yeah, and that's where you just decide just go with it.
• 14:11
  Dora: Go with it.
• 14:11
  Dora: I know it's hard, and I've done it myself, and that's where you ask for their support, and asking for support on and knowing how you can be supported as well.
• 14:21
  Dora: That's where being clear on that, and sometimes like I will go to my husband and say, Hey, I don't know, I just need a hug.
• 14:28
  Dora: Like, that's all I need.
• 14:30
  Dora: And I end up crying in his arms.
• 14:32
  Dora: Like, that's maybe a way of support for you, or it's just listening to you and not necessarily fixing anything.
• 14:39
  Dora: And the deeper connection also can happen when you reveal your insecurities with someone, and again, you decide who you reveal it to, but it's good to say it out loud and have those conversations because sometimes everything's in your head, and I've been going through stuff where things are in my head, like the I'm not good enough and all this stuff, and that's where you let people see the messy parts, and it's perfectly okay to be messy because it is such a relief to be yourself and the raw version of yourself with someone because you are able to kind of let some of that stuff go that you've been holding back, and again, that can feel so terrifying.
• 15:26
  Dora: So there have been moments lately where I had to say, I'm not okay, and I need reassurance, and I feel disconnected like with myself, with my body, with my mind, with my and I'm actually going through it.
• 15:40
  Dora: And I need support, and that's where I go to my mom, or I go to my sister, or I go to my husband, my daughter, my son, and I feel supported.
• 15:51
  Dora: Do they understand everything that's going on?
• 15:53
  Dora: Probably not, but at least they give me space for me to vent.
• 15:58
  Dora: And there are times where I say, I feel afraid, I feel afraid of the future.
• 16:02
  Dora: I obviously we're not guaranteed longevity, but I'm doing all the things to have that longevity.
• 16:10
  Dora: And let me tell you something.
• 16:12
  Dora: For someone who has spent years being the strong one, that level of vulnerability feels like standing emotionally naked in front of people.
• 16:23
  Dora: But vulnerability creates bridges, bridges with relationships to others.
• 16:31
  Dora: Healing changes relationships.
• 16:34
  Dora: It does because when you begin healing, your standards shift, your energy shifts because it goes from like constricted to open, and your capacity also shifts because when you let go of shit, you're able to receive so much more, and you're able to establish those boundaries with yourself.
• 17:02
  Dora: And yes, you are kind of touching the the limit right on the boundary there, but that's where you discover when you trip it up, that's when you're like, oh, okay, that didn't feel so good.
• 17:12
  Dora: Let's go ahead and kind of okay, maybe I don't have space for for that right now.
• 17:18
  Dora: And your emotional awareness also shifts quite a bit because it's like, oh, I'm starting to feel anger or I'm feeling stuff, something in my chest.
• 17:28
  Dora: Like, what is this?
• 17:29
  Dora: And then you start digging into it.
• 17:30
  Dora: And again, if you're ready and you feel safe, you dig into it, and suddenly you can no longer pretend certain things don't hurt.
• 17:39
  Dora: So you can notice, for example, that emotional disconnection with others or with yourself.
• 17:46
  Dora: And I've been going through it where like I don't know, like I'll I'll feel stressed, but I don't notice it until I'm like about to flip and like lose it.
• 17:56
  Dora: But now I have that awareness, so it's definitely shifted.
• 18:00
  Dora: I have this awareness now that I'm addicted to stress.
• 18:03
  Dora: Go figure, right?
• 18:04
  Dora: Um, and when a relationship is going really good, I want to seek and look for the like the reaction.
• 18:13
  Dora: Like I was used to my husband reacting, and maybe we wouldn't talk for a few days, and that cycle has been broken.
• 18:20
  Dora: And my body, I'm stressed because and anxious because I'm looking for that reaction.
• 18:25
  Dora: I'm looking for that like um just that that shock back to my body every time that that cycle would happen.
• 18:34
  Dora: And right now I'm recalibrating.
• 18:37
  Dora: And the other thing you might notice is a lack of presence.
• 18:40
  Dora: Um, when you're you can't pretend anymore.
• 18:43
  Dora: Like you want to check out, and now you can't check out the other thing that you might notice is your one-sided effort where you're the one that's going through the healing and the other person is not going through it.
• 19:01
  Dora: Um, and and that's where you have the awareness, right?
• 19:06
  Dora: And sometimes altogether you want to avoid avoidance is a big thing where you don't want to look into these emotions and you don't want to look into these conversations.
• 19:16
  Dora: And but you have that awareness.
• 19:18
  Dora: And again, we all have free will to do what we want.
• 19:22
  Dora: And there might be some inconsistency too, where sometimes you establish a boundary, but then you like take it back, and that's where you're playing, right?
• 19:31
  Dora: This game of like, okay, what what suits me?
• 19:33
  Dora: What am I wearing?
• 19:35
  Dora: It's like wearing a pair of jeans or a pair of pants, like you're trying them on, seeing if they fit too snug, too big, like you want them to fit like perfect and hug you in all the right places.
• 19:43
  Dora: That's kind of how you're wearing all these things.
• 19:47
  Dora: Emotional unavailability is another one where we just kind of zone out emotionally, and we don't tap into like what is really going on with me right now, and not because you became difficult, but because your awareness has deepened with yourself, and that's where you have established all these knowings now, and that deeper connection even with yourself, but then that also changes with your relationships because you're able to tap in to what's been happening, and now you have that ability to change yourself, but again, that also opens the doorway for others to also step into that and be aware.
• 20:39
  Dora: So having that communication with others really does help and deepen that.
• 20:45
  Dora: And sometimes relationships survive that shift beautifully and they deepen and they become more honest, and both people rise together.
• 20:59
  Dora: And sometimes people resist the version of you, and that can be heartbreaking, and that's where relationships can definitely have a shift for like distance, but it that's where the other person is working on themselves as well, and you navigate these relationships by giving each other space and respecting each other where they're at.
• 21:26
  Dora: And as my dad would say, So talking is how people understand each other.
• 21:33
  Dora: And that was one big thing that if I would have known back in the day to talk and have those conversations with people, I could have spared myself so much grief.
• 21:45
  Dora: Grief and like not having that conversation, especially with my dad that he passed.
• 21:49
  Dora: Um, there could have been, and and at times I thought I just couldn't have it, but now I discovered that I can write a letter to him and I can.
• 22:00
  Dora: Actually, have somebody else sit in the chair or pretend to be my dad and have that conversation just so I can go through that experience of like releasing it and having these conversations at times you can't have it with that other person, but you can do those things, and it's more for you than it is for the other person.
• 22:23
  Dora: So, how do we navigate this?
• 22:28
  Dora: Number one, stop assuming people can read your mind.
• 22:32
  Dora: People cannot support needs they don't know exist.
• 22:36
  Dora: Many of us expect people to magically understand our emotional world because we become experts at reading everyone else.
• 22:43
  Dora: But healthy connection requires communication.
• 22:46
  Dora: Number two, speak from vulnerability instead of blame.
• 22:50
  Dora: Instead of you never care and you never this and you never that, try, I've been feeling disconnected and I miss you.
• 22:58
  Dora: And instead of you don't support me, you don't care, try.
• 23:04
  Dora: I think I need more emotional support right now.
• 23:08
  Dora: Number three, allow relationships to evolve.
• 23:12
  Dora: Not every relationship is meant to stay frozen.
• 23:16
  Dora: Healthy relationships adapt.
• 23:18
  Dora: You are not meant to stay the same forever.
• 23:21
  Dora: Number four, stop abandoning yourself for harmony.
• 23:24
  Dora: And Mijita, oof.
• 23:27
  Dora: Peacekeeping is not the same as peace.
• 23:30
  Dora: You should not have to disappear to maintain connection.
• 23:34
  Dora: So that's where you need to stay true to yourself.
• 23:39
  Dora: Number five, learn how to receive love differently.
• 23:44
  Dora: Sometimes deeper connection means allowing people to show up for you, and that can feel uncomfortable when you're used to doing everything alone.
• 23:54
  Dora: Can I be honest?
• 23:56
  Dora: Sometimes the relationship needing deeper connection is the one with yourself.
• 24:02
  Dora: Sometimes we become so disconnected from ourselves that we don't even know it.
• 24:07
  Dora: Like we don't even know what we need, what we feel, what we desire, what's hurting, and what fulfills us anymore.
• 24:19
  Dora: And healing asks us to reconnect inward first and going through those processes.
• 24:26
  Dora: So some reflection questions are: where have you been emotionally unavailable to myself?
• 24:34
  Dora: And again, you can pause this to go through it and really sit with yourself and take a few deep breaths.
• 24:46
  Dora: What truth have I avoided?
• 24:52
  Dora: What relationships need honest conversations?
• 25:00
  Dora: What version of me am I grieving?
• 25:08
  Dora: What kind of love do I actually desire now?
• 25:13
  Dora: And again, you can sit with these, go back and pause where needed, and reflect.
• 25:22
  Dora: Because everything starts with you.
• 25:24
  Dora: You are resourceful, you are worthy, you are all the things.
• 25:30
  Dora: And we just need to dig deeper inside of us to know what is the truth.
• 25:36
  Dora: What is the truth that wants to come out?
• 25:40
  Dora: If you're in a season where relationships feel different right now, I want you to know something.
• 25:46
  Dora: Change does not automatically mean failure.
• 25:50
  Dora: Sometimes change is the invitation.
• 25:53
  Dora: The invitation into deeper honesty, that deeper intimacy, the deeper emotional safety, the connection, and that self-awareness that you have for yourself.
• 26:09
  Dora: And yes, it can feel uncomfortable, but discomfort does not always mean destruction.
• 26:18
  Dora: You are allowed to evolve.
• 26:21
  Dora: You are allowed to need more.
• 26:24
  Dora: You are allowed to communicate differently.
• 26:27
  Dora: You are allowed to slow down.
• 26:29
  Dora: You are allowed to ask for a connection.
• 26:32
  Dora: You are allowed to become softer.
• 26:37
  Dora: And the people meant to walk with you will learn how to meet you there.
• 26:53
  Dora: Share with someone you love, someone navigating change, someone learning how to reconnect, someone trying to love differently.
• 27:02
  Dora: And if you haven't already, come join us inside the Aimehita Collective, where we continue these conversations on healing, relationships, identity, spirituality, and reclaiming ourselves.
• 27:13
  Dora: You can also connect with me over at lorapraxed.com and on Instagram at thepraxedis.
• 27:20
  Dora: And until next time, embrace your raises, reclaim your essencia.
• 27:25
  Dora: Loving you so much and sending you a big hug.
• 27:30
  Dora: Bye.