Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 211. Tijana’s Breakup Story: What really happened? The Lessons she learned the hard way

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211. Tijana’s Breakup Story: What really happened? The Lessons she learned the hard way · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Good morning, everybody. Welcome back to She Rises with Ashley
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: and Tiana. We have a very vulnerable episode, not for me,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: but for Tiana. This has been an episode you've been
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: wanting to do for quite a while, but haven't quite
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: felt ready. And I think you just wanted to allow
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: yourself to have more time to grieve, to think about it,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: to process, and to move on with your life. Before
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: we get into the juiciness of it. What's your share
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: of the week.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: So there's this Active Way that I've been wearing and
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I cannot take it off. It's actually like a viral
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: tank and a signature set. I believe it's called and
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: they've just released some new colors at a place called
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: her Form Active. Honestly, cannot take it off. The top
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: is so soft like fabric, feels like something I could
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: wear in the gym, but also something I could wear
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: running errands too. And then the shorts are like made
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: of magic or something. The way that they lift your bum,
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my god, and they're not see through anything,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: like you can squat in them and everything. So I
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: wear them when I'm training, when I'm going on my
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: whole girl walks, when I'm doing errands and all the things.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: So colors are beautiful, the colors.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: The range in the variety honestly is like my favorite,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: and like they have the signature set in different colors.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: I am the biggest fan. Yeah, so ive highly recommend cute.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Mine is an app. It's really random. It's called lens Buddy.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: This is more for content creators or even if you're
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: a mum and maybe your partner's not great at taking
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: candid photos, or you're buy yourself with your kids and
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: you want to get some cute photos with them. You
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: set it up with like you're sticky on glass or
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: on a tripod or just wherever you want, and then
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: you can select take like ten, twenty five, fifty or
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: seventy five photos and it just like gives you a
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: three second countdowns for like three two one takes photo
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: three two one takes a photos so you can be
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: moving and just organically playing with your kids and it
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: will capture all these photos and you can go through
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: and select which runs you want, and then it can
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: also do like a video one as well. So just
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: really handy. We are using them now to take photos
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: off each other, yes, because they set up one self
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: time or on your phone. It's like then you have
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: to do that open over again, you get to short
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: you on. It's actually really good.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: So we found it out even to take photos together
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: as well, and it's so handy.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: It's so good. So it's called lens Buddy, highly recommend.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: It's alrighty, let's get into this episode. So this episode
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: is all about your breakup story, what really happened, the
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: lessons you learned, how you showed up, the downloads you've had,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: how it's changed you as a woman today, how it
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: really was. I feel like it was like the next
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: chapter for you because it was the moment that ended,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: was the moment you actually chose yourself. Yeah, and I
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: want to talk about the depths of that because I
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: think so many women are going through breakups, or maybe
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: they're inner relationship that isn't feeling aligned, or they're trying
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: so hard to make it work and their partner just
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: isn't willing to meet them. There's so much informative information
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: here that I think can really help women decide whether
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: they're in the right relationship or even if they're single.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Just things to look out for, yeah, and things not
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: to ignore, especially strong women's intuition. Absolutely, can you like
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: take us back, where did you meet him, how did
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: you meet how did it feel in the beginning, and
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: then how did it slowly start changing?
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, So before I get into that, I just want
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: to give some context. So this is a relationship that
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: happened over a year and a half ago now, and
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: we were together for about a year to a year
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: and a half. It was quite short lived, but very
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: intense kind of relationship dynamic. I've spoken about it briefly
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: over the podcast, the little snippets here and there, but
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: that's kind of like the timeline. This was basically when
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I moved to the Gold Coast from Cronulla. And it's
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: really interesting because the way that I met him was
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: my mum reshared something to me about a business conference
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: that was being hosted on the Gold Coast, and it
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: was like probably five days after I had moved here,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: and I remember going booking you know, a ticket and whatever,
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: going by myself because I was just like, oh my gosh,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: new place, new location, and I'm going to get out
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: of my comfort zone. And I ended up going to
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: this business conference, and you know, throughout like the conference,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: I remember going out for lunch and like having a
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: little break. As I was walking back into the auditorium,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: this man walked up next to me. It was like,
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: how are you liking it so far? And I was like, yeah,
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: it's pretty good so far, like can't complain kind of thing. Anyway,
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: it's very short lived and brief. I walked up to
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: where I was sitting, and he so happened to sit
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: right in front of me. He was in the seat
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: in front of me, and I was like one seat
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: behind him, a diagonal. The show goes on, and we
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: watched the whole conference and everyone's getting up to leave
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: as it finishes, and this man, this same man turns
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: around and looks at me and he goes, so, how
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: did you like that? And like we started a conversation.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: He ended up coming and sitting next to me, and
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: we ended up staying in the bleachers for like thirty
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: five minutes. After that, the cleaners actually ended up coming
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: and kicking us out because they were like, we need
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: to pack up the bleachers now, like you guys have
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: got to go. And this is how I met Max Partner.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: It's interesting because from that moment, it was like one
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: of those moments where he was just like I feel
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: really compelled to get to know you, like can I
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: see you again kind of thing. We ended up going
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: to the after party of this business conference only because
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: each other were going and sat for an hour and
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: a half just getting to know each other and like
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: talking about probably our deepest and darkest wounds and things
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: that have happened that are really fucked up, and just
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: understanding like who we are as people. And honestly, from
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: that moment, we kind of just ended up spending like
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: almost every second day together, Like every second day he
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: was coming to see me, visiting me, dropping off food
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: to me, like just like it was really sweet, and
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: like I remember being so intrigued by this man because
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: at first, like I was just like, oh, like do
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I want to see this man again? Like, you know,
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: should I give him my number? It is this something
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: I want to do. But at the time, I was
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: kind of like I'm on the gold Chorus, It's fresh start,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Like I wasn't looking for a relationship. And then I
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: was just like you know what, like what's the worst
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: could happen?
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Kind of yeah.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: Anyway, So we kind of built a relationship over the
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: next like eight weeks or so, and it was really
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: one of those experiences where I don't know, there was
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: just like something about him that I just like fell
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: in love with, Like I just was intrigued by him,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: and I thought he was so intelligent and like the
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: level of conversation that we could have in terms of
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: like growth and depth in terms of business, his big
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: vision mindset, like a lot of the traits that he
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: had actually really reminded me of my dad. And I know,
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: my mum always used to say to me, like, if
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: you can find somebody like your dad, like you'll live
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: a good life, you know. And he's such a beautiful man.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: But he's always been very ambitious and big driven and
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: big minded and all the things. And I really saw
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: that in this man.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: I just remember thinking one day and like I even
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: said this to my mom, like I was like, I'm
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: going to marry that man, you know, like that's how
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: like sure and sure. I was that like this was
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: going to be my person. And I remember seeing him
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: like obviously as we were building our relationship, you know,
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: and we were like obviously just like having a really
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: intimate moment, and I remember thinking, like, where have you
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: been on my life? And he was like I was
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: going to say the same thing about you, you know, yeah,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: And it was just like one of those moments anyway.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: So it was like a real like energetic pool, you know,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: those ones where you just like you can't stay away
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: from each other energetically for some reason, you just like
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: feel so drawn to this person. I felt like that
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: he felt like that, and we were just kind of
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: like in awe of each other.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I like, he you've said, and I know this whole story.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to bump in and ask some questions
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: as we go along that I think we'll give more
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: context and help tell the story a little bit more
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: energetically drawn to each other, yes, physically not so much
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: more yes, drawn, But the physical side of things is
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: something I'd love you to dive into. Because it's such
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: a big part of a relationship, especially for a girl
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: that has physical touch as her number one love language.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: So he's a very private kind of guy, Like he's
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: a very like likes his personal space. He's not really
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: much like a hugger or like if he meets someone
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: new for the first time, he'll shake the hand like
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: he doesn't like people touching him. And it's so valid.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I so get that. And so even for like the
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: first like two weeks of the relationship, he didn't hug me,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: didn't give me a kissed did anything. I actually asked
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: for a kiss after like two and a half weeks,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: and yeah, it was one of those things where it
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: was like, he's not big on public space of affection
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: and I, for one, am a very physical touch kind
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: of girl. So for me it was almost like not jarring,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: But it took me by surprise because it was so
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: different to how other men that I've dated has been,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: where men are usually more confident, willing to put the
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: hand around you, willing to give you a kiss, lean
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: in first, those sorts of things sooner rather than later,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: whereas he was the complete opposite, did the actual opposite,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: and for some reason that stood out to me. I
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: was like, Oh, I don't know why kind of like.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: This, Yeah, you did like it.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: I remember in the beginning being like, wow, that feels
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: like a lot of respect, you know. But then what
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: I learned, like over time, was that he also didn't
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: like public displays of affection in the gym or in
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: public places out for dinner. We wouldn't ever really like
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: hold hands or go up to him in the gym
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: and give him a kiss, or like he wouldn't slap
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: me on the bum, and little things like that that
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I grew up seeing my parents, do you know for me,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: that's so normal, you know, walk around with the big
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: family and my dad's got his arm around her, or
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: was smacking my mum on the bum like that was
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: normal growing up, And so to want those things from
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: him and to not receive those and then to start
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: making up stories in my head of like, oh, why
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: isn't he being you know, touchy with me in public?
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Like why doesn't he want to be perceived like us
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: being together? And I remember starting to create these stories
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: and started to feel really like not anxious, but really
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: like questioning things in the very beginning of like, oh,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: that's really interesting. Why wouldn't he do that and doesn't
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: make me feel very good? Like I want you to
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: do those things with me.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Did you communicate how much she wanted that from him? Yeah?
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Absolutely I did. Yeah, I communicated those things for me.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: But to him, he was just like, I'm just not
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: much of a public displays of affection kind of guy,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: Like I don't like, I'm very respectful and mindful of
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: how I'm making other people feel in public, you know.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: So that was a very big thing for him, And
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I get that because I'm like that to
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: some degree. I'm not going to sit on my partner's
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: lap and like make out with the line. There's a line, right,
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: But little bids for connection of like little taps or
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: little hold hands or a little peck on the cheek
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: or just anything for me is a really big thing.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: And that's how I stay plugged into my partners, you know, partners.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: That sounds bad, but like my partner at the time, Yeah.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: And I think that was kind of the first thing
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: that kind of highlighted to me that things were starting
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: to change and like kind of raise like little red
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: flags for me. But at the time, like I just
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: justified it. I was like, no, of course, he just
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: wants to be respectful in public. But then what happened
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: is like, over time, the more that it started to happen,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: especially when he would be talking to female friends of
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: his and stuff like that, I would notice that he
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: wouldn't do those things in front of other women as well.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: And that started to make anxious because I was like, well,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: why don't you want to be seen with me? And
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: then I remember thinking like, oh my god, am I
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: a secret? You know? Right? But it's interesting, right because
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: he introduced me to all of his close friends, right,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: He introduced me to his family, introduced me to all
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: of the people that were important to him. But when
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: it came to like people in public, it was like
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: we were friends or acquaintances or strangers or something like that.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: And so it was like we would walk up to
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: each other, we wouldn't hug each other or kiss or
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: anything like that. Only would he hug me when he
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: would like, hey, do you want do you want to
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: hug and I'd say yes, and then he would hug me,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? So it just felt
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: very like at arm's length kind of thing.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So this is about two months and you're noticing it.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: You're starting to feel a little bit anxious. But the
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: relationship continued. So did you just like suppress that and
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: then keep asking him or are you like just accepting
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: of like that's just not who he is. I'm just
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: gonna have to get used to this.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: I communicated a lot in that relationship. I was very
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: vocal about things that I wanted and being like, hey,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: like I would really love this. I really loved to
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: like say hello to you in the gym or little
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: things like that, and I would communicate that. But then
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: I would communicate it and he wouldn't do it. It was
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: like something that felt really hard for him to do.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Feel like he was very willing to hear me in
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: what it was that I was needing and why it
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: was so important to me, because he didn't have that
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: love language. Yeah right, So like for him it was like, oh, well, no,
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I don't do this and it doesn't feel comfortable for me,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: so like to do that for me it almost felt
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: like it was hard and there was a lot of
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: resistance for him to show up for me in that way.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: And I created a lot of conflict, Like it created
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: like a lot of emotional disconnect because I felt like
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to tell you like how to love me,
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: and you're not listening to me. And because I didn't
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: feel listened to, I felt like started to build resentment. Yeah,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: and you know what's interesting, Like throughout all of this
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: as well, like I thought the fucking world of this man,
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: like even to this day, like I still very much
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: think highly of him. But I think it was because
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: how much I thought that I loved him at the time,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? I was very much
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: in love with him, idolized him, you know, wanted him
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: to be the man that I married, and I just
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: like I really saw him in that light. So even
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: when little things like this were happening, I was really
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: justifying the discomfort that I was feeling and justifying his reason.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: And even if it felt like I had like an
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: intuitive like nudge of like something's not right about this,
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: like this isn't right tis like you need to listen
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: to this, like this feeling keeps coming back, like you
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: need to pay attention to that. It's like I would
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: squash those intuitive pools, and I would squash them down
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: so far that I would then disregard my own intuition,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: and then I would be like, no, but he's saying this,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: of course that must be true, right, And I would
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: try to justify and reason with myself and my emotions
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: because I would be like, well no, like, of course
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: that makes sense, yes, right. And so that was kind
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: of the beginning of me really squashing my needs and
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: prioritizing his needs, his wants, his way of doing things
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: over my own.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: And it was kind of like the start of me
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: really like closing up as a woman, started abandoning myself. Yeah,
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: it was really the start of the journey of me
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: not prioritizing my needs, not putting myself first, not taking
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: into consideration what I wanted because I was overly focused
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: on how I could please him, show up for him,
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: be considerate of his emotions. It was almost like I
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: was allowing my empathy to get the better of me
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: and like prioritize that person over myself, which is something
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: that I've had to really learn how to overcome over
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: the years. But in this relationship dynamic, it really came
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: out tenfold, okay.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And so that was publicly what about behind the scenes?
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Was he affectionate? Were you guys super intimate, What did
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: it feel like when doors are closed? Did you feel
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: fully fulfilled intimately?
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: I think this is where it got really challenging for me,
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: is because we did have a fucking amazing connection, like mentally,
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: emotionally for me, I would say intellectually, we had all
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: of those parts. And so for me, those are really
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: big things for me in relationships, like I need to
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: be mentally stimulated because I get bored easy, and I'm like,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: if I don't have that, I will leave. And for me,
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: I never got to that point of feeling like, oh
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: I feel bored, I'm going to leave, yeah, which is
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: something I've had with every other previous partner that I've had.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: So for me, in my head, it's like this relationship
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: stood out to me because it felt different, you know.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: But the challenging thing for me is that like I
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: would have these deep connections with him, and he would
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: be touchy feeling and like you know, enough want to
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: be closed behind closed doors, but then the moment we
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: would step into a gym, you'd be a completely different person.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: And so it was like I felt this like real
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: jarring feeling of like, but you're behaving one way when
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: it's just us, but when it's with everybody else, like
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: I'm a stranger, and it made me feel like a secret.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: But also in saying that, you know, obviously for reasons why,
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I like, I won't share now maybe somebody in the future,
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: but I don't feel ready for that yet. We didn't
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: have sex and weren't like actually intimate for like eight
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: months into the relationship, not.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: For religious reasons, not for religious.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Reasons, no, like obviously some like challenges that we had
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: faced as to why that was the case. But to me,
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: in my head, it didn't seem wrong at the time
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: because I just was like, well, it's going to be
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: worth it. He's worth the way he's worth the way
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: he was saying the same thing about me, like you'll
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: be worth the wait kind of thing. And it was
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: just like this thing almost like we created in our
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: heads with this storyline that I was being sold or
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: believed based on what I was telling my myself and
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: also what he was sharing with me about the future,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: that I was just like, oh, like, what's eight months
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: or what's this amount of time when we have like
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: forever together, you know, So I really had that in
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: mind that I was like, this feels just like a
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: quote unquote sacrifice that I have to make of like
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: physical intimacy and like going that deeper like bond with him,
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: creating that deeper bond with him because I'm going to
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: get this spen the rest of my life with him,
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: and I'd be happy to do that. We created a
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: very big foundation in terms of like mental connection because
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: we didn't have the physical aspect. We were obviously exploring
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: and playing and do all the things, but like we
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: didn't actually have sex, and so I think without that
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: last bit of like connection, it was hard for us
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: to like fully connect all the way and just with
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: like the flow and effect of things of not having sex,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: not being intimate in that way, not having PDA in
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: front of other people, it just felt like we were roommates,
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: you know, And it felt for me like we were
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: just friends, you know. And I started to just get
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: really anxious in the relationship, and I started to notice
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: the more that I would require more of him, the
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: more that he would lean out. And it was a
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: really hard thing to face because I just wanted him
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: so badly, and at first, like for the first few months,
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: it felt reciprocated. It was like the want that desire,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: everything was reciprocated, and then to feel him pull away
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: after like a couple of months, it was really hard
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: to comprehend.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: And understand why.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then I was like okay, cool. Like obviously,
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: with everything that I do as a coach, I was like, okay, cool, anxious,
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: avoidant nature, and obviously this is like one of those
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: traps that were stuck in. And you know, the more
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: that I lean in, the more that he leans out.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: And then you know, when I finally get sick of
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: it and I've like had an off and I'm like, no,
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: fuck this, I then lean out and then all of
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: a sudden he comes running.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Back game this cycle that rows back around.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was like, oh, she's pulling away, now, okay, cool,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: I've got to like come back in to like make
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: sure that she doesn't go anywhere kind of thing. And
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: I think that was a really hard thing to deal
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: with because it was just consuming me. He was all
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: I thought about. He was on my mind all the time.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: I was so like in love and like also like mildly.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Obsessed with him.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: I just was like, oh, this is how I want
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: to feel an intimate relationship. But then came the back
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: and forth and the push and pull and like the
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: emotional volatility of wanting to be close with him, him
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: leaning out, and then me feeling like I have to
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: pull back and like reserve how much I care because
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to push him away, you know. And
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: I started to like filter the way that I would
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: show up, and I would filter the things that I
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: would do and what I would want and how I
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: would want to be, and not because he forced me
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: to or told me to or anything like that, but
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: because I wanted to almost be the ultimate version of
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: myself so that he would want to stay with me.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: And this is where we kind of like lose ourselves
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: as women in relationships, because we try to shape shift
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: and mold ourselves into what we think other people want
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: us to be. And that's why I really started to
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: lose myself, and because I was feeling more and more anxious.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: It's like, even in the smallest moments in the relationship,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: like I couldn't be myself, you know, like even when
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: we were just sitting together, or I felt like I
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: had to be a certain way or be stronger and
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: more resilient and all the things. Whilst I have all
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: of those traits. It was me trying to prove my
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: worth to him, you know, and trying to prove that
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: I was a good enough partner to be with long term,
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: because there were moments in the relationship where we had
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: where we would talk about choosing your forever partner and
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: we would both always say like, who you choose to
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: be your intimate partner is like the biggest decision that
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: you can ever make in your life. And then he
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: would ask me, how do you know when it's the one,
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, I'm not the person you need to ask, like,
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: I can't answer that for you, And it would trigger
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: me because that, to me, showed that he had uncertainty
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: about the relationship. And he's a very logical man, right,
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: So to him, he's like, no, this is a logical
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: question to ask. But because I was so emotional and
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was all in to hear him
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: say that created instability in me and made me think like, oh,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: you're not in, Oh you don't want to be here,
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: or you're still questioning whether like other options are going
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: to be better than me. I'm like, I'm fucking all in.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: Like I've never been all in on anybody in my
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: life before, and I feel all in on this relationship
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: and you're not there. And I felt so triggering to
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: hear that, and I just I couldn't contain my emotional
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: state and like that uncertainty feeling and my intuition knowing
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: that for some reason he just fucking wasn't all in.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: It started to create this feeling in me that I
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: didn't feel chosen, that I didn't feel wanted, that I
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: felt undesired by him, because we also weren't having sex,
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: So I felt like there was something wrong with me,
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: like I'm obviously not wanted sexually, There's obviously something wrong
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: with me, like he doesn't desire me. And I started
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: to think, like is it me? Like am I the problem?
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Am I not sexy enough? Am I not desirable enough?
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Am I not ambitious enough? Like all of these things,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: And I started to internalize this behavior that I was
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: experiencing from him onto myself and I just shrunk as
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: a woman. I became so small and like just didn't
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: feel confident anymore, and I felt insecure all the time,
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: and like little things that shouldn't piss me off or
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: shouldn't trigger me triggered me so bad. You know, he'd
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: have female friends or female coworkers and stuff, and I
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: would be so anxious, like wondering, you know, if anything
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: was happening behind clothes stores, because he wasn't actively making
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: it known that he was with me and that he
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: wanted to claim me and wanted to choose me and
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: be with me. Yes, And so I was like, well,
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: how do these women know that he's actually not a
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: single man and not someone that they can hit on,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: because how off he's behaving when he's around them.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: There's also like moments I remember, just little things. I
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: remember when he was like working alongside another female and
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: she'd then bent to and be like, oh, she was
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: super flirty with me, Da da da, And You're like,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: oh God. And then the next week he's like, oh,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: she's coming back over to record something. We're like, yeah,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: I mean the woman that you just said was flirting
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: with you, Why are you having her back in your house?
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: Yes? Yes, in one and things like that, And it
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: was almost like a lack of consideration. This man is
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: very self driven and like very connected to his mission
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: and stuff like that, and so I found that, like
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: for me personally, for the level of consideration that I
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: need in a relationship. I felt like he didn't meet
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: me in that. So with this example, it just felt
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: like there was a lack of consideration for me. It
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: was like he would, you know, bring over coworkers or
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: people that had to do with work that he would
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: know would be really flirty women and really women who
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: were like try to hit on him and stuff like that,
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: but then wouldn't tell me about it. I'd found out
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: after on social media, after he had posted like a
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: podcast episode or something like that with this woman already
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: so anxious, feeling that he was uncertain, and it was
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: like all of these behaviors that he was doing were
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: really triggering. I felt like he would reassure me in
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: certain ways, but then like his behavior would prove otherwise.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: So I really felt this incongruency between moments like that.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: It created more and more anxiousness in me, and I'm like, okay, well,
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: like I'm not getting reassured in the way that I need.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: It was almost like a fucking five year old version
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: of me. It was like, please don't leave, Please don't go, Like,
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: stay with me and I'll show you that I'm worth being.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: With it more. Can I do?
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: What else? Can I do, and so I would overgive,
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: show up all the time. I would abandon myself and like,
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: when I think about my role in this dynamic, that's
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: my part to play. My part to play in this dynamic.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Was the problem that we had faced two months in
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: was something worth leaving for that confusion. If you're a
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: woman and you're feeling confused in a relationship, there's a
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: reason for that. And for me, I couldn't comprehend and
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: that at the time, Like that confusion that I felt
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: caused me to want to prove my worth more instead
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: of actually pull back and go, wait a minute, this
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: actually isn't good for me. I should show that I'm
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: disinterested now because this person is showing me that they're
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: unsure about me. Yes, but it caused me to do
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: the opposite thing.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. And it was confusing because I
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: remember him saying things to you like, oh, I just
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: need a bit more time, like stick with me, because
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: once I finished this project, once I feel like this,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: once I move through this, like then I'll be able
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: to spend more time with you and then things will change.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So I think he was kind of like selling you
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: a story of like it's going to get better. I
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: think when you choose to be with someone, you want
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: to trust their word, trust in them, believe in them,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: and also be patient with their journey as well. And
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: you're very accommodating to all of that until you weren't. Yeah,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: you know, I wasn't myself. I wasn't showing him all
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: of myself. And if I had, and if I had
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: been all of myself from the get GOAT probably wouldn't
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: have lasted as long as it did.
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: True. But I think the reason why the dynamic lasted
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: as long as it did, even though we didn't have
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: like their sexual intimacy and all of those things, was
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: because I was overly accommodating. I was being a people pleaser,
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: and I think I was always making myself readily available
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: for him. I made his work more important than my own.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: So it was like when he was busy and I
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: had to slot into his schedule and work around his
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: work and stuff like that, I was like, Oh, it's
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: all good. I can be flexible, it's totally fine. And
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: so it was like my life became based on him,
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: and I would keep my calendar open to make sure
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: that I could see him. If I could see him
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: because I knew how busy he was. Don't get me wrong,
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: he would make time for me and all the things,
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: but we would still have to like be at his
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: house while he was working and stuff like that. And
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: it wasn't really like plugged in quality time. It was
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: just I just want you to hear while I'm working
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: kind of thing. And so I would literally not say
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: yes to friends stuff, not really go out do anything else,
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: just be working all the time. And then I would
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: kind of like wait for him to be like, oh, hey,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: do you want to come over tonight or something like that,
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: you know, And so that's when I really started to
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: even my mom started to notice it too.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Actually, so you didn't have sex in the first eight
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: months and then you did have sex, did that change
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: things for you?
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: It did, like temporarily, only because we didn't consistently have
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: sex after Like it wasn't like we had sex once
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: and then we continued to be intimate after that. It
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: was like we had sex a couple of times that
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: was super intimate, which was really beautiful, and then it
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: kind of gave me hope of like, oh, wow, Okay,
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: we're solidifying our relationship, We're cementing things now, and then
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: it would go back to like having a couple of
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: months apart and not having sex anymore, and then me
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: feeling like I was like almost like begging him for sex,
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: you know, begging him to be intimate, to create that
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: emotional connection, to create that like closeness with my intimate partner,
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: to separate, you know, a friend from in the connection
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: that I wanted with him. And it's interesting because every
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: single month, the same problems would kind of arise, you know.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: It was like I wanted more from him, he couldn't
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: give it. You know. He actually vocalized a few times
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: towards the end that like he just can't give me
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: what I was needing. But I didn't hear it as that.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: I heard it as like just wait, like wait a
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: bit of time. I need you to wait. And also
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: he did vocalize that like he did often ask me
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: if he could have more time, and like if I
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: could wait and if I could just give him a
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: little bit more patience and stuff like that, because of
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: the season of life and work that he was in
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: that he just couldn't give me the emotional connection and
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: capacity that I really required from him. He knew that
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: and he knew that he couldn't give that to me,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: but it was something that I was willing to wait
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: for because I was like, you know what, it'll be
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: worth it in the end. And I just also thought, like,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: you know, because I felt the way that I did
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: with him, I thought like, this is what I have
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: to do as a good partner. Yeah, it's like stick
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: by him, compromise, sacrifice some of the things that I needed.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: But I didn't realize to the extent how much I
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: was sacrificing and how much I was trying to compromise
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: to make it work and do what I thought was
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: everything that I possibly could to make this relationship work,
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: even though it felt one sided.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: Yes, I remember when things started to this is like
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: recently when I had started to come into your life
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: and we just started to talk about it. Then I
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: remember there was a stage that hit and you guys
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: did some like online tests and stuff to see your compatibility,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: and you started to have discussions around why you're a
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: good fit and all that kind of stuff. But then
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: it hit a bit of a point and I think
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: you both agreed to do like a two week trial
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: of you moving in with him.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: That was like, right, towards the end, when I told
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: him that I was going.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: To leave, What made you realize, Shit, I don't think
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: I can do this.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: I just was like emotionally tapped up by this point
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: because I think for the prior, like six to eight
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: months before that, I felt like I had to beg
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: to ask for dates. We didn't go on a date
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: for like eight months, you know, even though we would
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: go and get food and things like that, it was
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: more just like after work and then go to bed,
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: and that sort of thing just got to a point
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: where I feel like every single month I was asking
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: him for the same things and for him to meet
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: me more, and he just couldn't. We would have the
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: same conversation literally six or eight times, like we just
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: same thing again, and I would come to him and
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: I would cry, and I would be like I need
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: you to do this, I need you to meet me here,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: like I need this from you otherwise I just don't
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: feel secure in this relationship. And I would literally cry
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: in his arms and he'd be like it's okay, it's
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: all good, like you know, and then we'll talk about
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: it and then he'd be like, Okay, just need time
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: to like implement these things now, and at the moment
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: he wouldn't do one of those things. It was like
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: it sent me into a spiral feeling like, oh my god,
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: the same thing's just gonna happen all over again. I
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: just remember getting to a point where I would get frustrated,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: like i'd cry, and then I'd get angry, and then
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: I get frustrated at him. I'm and I'd be like,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: fuck this relationship, and then I come back and I
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: do it all over again. And so that point when
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: I said that I was done, I was kind of
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: like emotionally checked out. At this point. I was just like,
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: I actually don't know what to do anymore, and I
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost, I
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: feel so confused. I'm so consumed by this relationship. I
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: don't even feel like I have capacity for my work
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: anymore because it's taking over. That's when he suggested that
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: I come and stay at his house and kind of
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: like temporarily like move in to see if we can
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: resolve the lack of time, the lack of connection, the
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: lack of intimacy, and all of that sort of stuff
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: and kind of give it like a trial period of
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: being able to do that, and like, to me, that
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: was like him meeting me where I needed him to
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: meet me, And so part of me was like so
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: hopeful of like, fuck, this is going to be the
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: thing that solves the relationship, and like maybe gives us,
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: like in our relationship, one more chance. I lasted a
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: few hours in the house. Oh really, I packed my
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: bag for two weeks. I told my parents what I
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: was doing, and they were like, you know, you gotta
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: do what you gotta do. If this is what you
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: want to do, just let this be the thing that
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: you trial and then at least if it doesn't work
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: from there, you can walk away saying you did everything
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: that you could. I went to house. Something had happened
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: that day. I was walking on fucking thin ice, like
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: there was little things honestly were sending me over the edge.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: I just I couldn't bear it any more. Emotionally. I
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: was so tapped out and so done. But I was like,
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: you know what, fuck it, I'm gonna give it one
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: more chance. And I went to his house and I
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: unpacked and got ready and he wasn't home, so he
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: let me and gave me the keys and stuff, and
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: then something happened through our communication by a text message
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: that had happened, and it was like we had a
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: bit of a tear for a bit of argument or
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: something like that. And I was sitting in his house
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: and I was just like, I actually can't do this.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: I can't stay here for two weeks. And I remember
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: voice messaging you. I was sitting out on his back Andy,
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: and I was like crying and I was just like
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: voice messaging you and I was just like I fucking
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: can't do this. And I packed my bags and I left.
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: And I remember telling him through a message, right yeah,
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: telling him through a message before he got home, and
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: I was like gone before he got home, and he's
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: like where are you? And I was like, I actually
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: can't do this. I remember the day that we had
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: actually had the conversation that we broke up, was in
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: his room and I just remember standing up against the
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: wall with him and like being like I'm done, Like
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: I'm so done. And I remember how sad it was,
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: and like all the things, you know, it was a
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: really hard moment because I didn't want to leave, but
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: I knew that I had to, and it was like
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: everything in me resisted doing this, like I was fighting
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: with myself. Was like two parts of me existed, like
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: a devil and angel, and like every part of me
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: wanted to stay and to be with him and to
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: create a life with him and to build something beautiful
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: with him, because like obviously I thought the fucking world
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: of him, you know. And then also this big part
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: of me was like, I'm going to live a very
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: unhappy life if I stay with this man because of
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: how emotionally neglected I felt, because of how undesired I
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: felt because of that relationship made me feel like less beautiful,
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: It made me feel less valuable, less worthy, less, all
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: of the things because of the stacked little micro moments
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: of behavior that he did that caused me to feel
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: more and more anxious. And I'm not blaming him for that.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: I also am aware that, like my anxiousness created a
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: lot of that too, But I also really do believe
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: that his behavior really draw that out in me well,
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: and it perpetuated that feeling of anxiousness.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Because of a safe man.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: That's right. Yeah, my life like revolved around him and
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: his schedule and his work, and it was like there
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: was no room for me in the relationship. He was
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: still consistent, showed up, messaged me every morning, called me
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: every morning, did all the quote unquote things. Yeah, I
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: felt so empty inside and that was a really hard
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: feeling to deal with because I loved him so much.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: I was like, I love this man with every fucking
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: fiber of my being, and I feel so empty inside
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: and I don't feel fulfilled by him. I feel like
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: he holds back compliments. I feel like he doesn't want
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: to show that he loves me. Celebrated me in business
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: and was like my absolute business mentor don't get me wrong,
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: but in terms of being a partner and a future
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: husband and all of those things, it was like that
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: aspect didn't feel like it was present.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: That was another thing. Hey, Like you would dress up
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: waiting for compliment, he just wouldn't get confidents, or you'd
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: send him a photo and he just wouldn't reply, or
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: he just double like it. Yeah. Emember this moment, I
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: don't know where you were going. You were going somewhere,
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: and I was just like, felt like a freaking lesbian.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: You were red lipstick me from the car and I
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: was like, oh fuck yes, ye oh my god. Like
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I couldn't even look at the screen. I was like
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: the fuck me. I remember saying, he must feel like
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: the luckiest man alive, Like, holy shit, if I was
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: to come home to that every night, damn. Like I
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: was just like gassing you up because you looked so amazing.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: I remember afterwards you saying like he doesn't say anything,
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: like he doesn't appreciate that. He didn't say I look beautiful,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: And I think it was a big moment for you
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: to be like, holy shit, like I'm not even noticed
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: in my relationship like that.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: It just felt like he would hold back compliments. Yeah,
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: And like I remember I would get dressed up and
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: we'd go for dinner and I'd wait, you know, be
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: like standing there like in front of him, like waiting
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: for him to say something about me, and like every
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: now and again he'd be like, oh you look pretty
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: or like something like that, but like nothing why there
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: was no energy behind it, there was no like I
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: don't know. It felt like he always like held back
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: from sharing. That is though, what he used to think
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: and feel. I don't know.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: I was trying and understand, you know, try and put
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: myself on their shoes or like what might have been
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: coming up for him. But it's like word for me
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: when you were dressed up, like when your friend dresses
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: up and they just look beautiful. You just it's a
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: word for me.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: I just it's hard to understand because I I don't know,
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: like and I can assume and all the things, but like,
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: I don't actually know what came up for him in
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: those moments, or maybe it's just not something he thinks
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: of doing. I don't even know what was going on
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: in his head.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: But there was just lots of little moments like that
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: where you were like, he just can't meet me, So
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: you broke up with him, You packed your stuff, he
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: went home.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: But it didn't end there, No, No, it happened after that.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: After that, we kind of had like a couple of
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: week break and then I remember he messaged me being
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: like he's had some time to self reflect and stuff
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: and wanted to catch up. And we went for a
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: walk at Springbrook and remember him telling me all the
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: things that he realized about what he was doing in
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: that dynamic in the relationship, and like what he could
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: have done better and all these things. But then there
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: was one point right at the end of the walk
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: where he was like, I still don't know if I'm
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: ready to come back to this relationship or not. And
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: I just remember feeling so disappointed because I was just like,
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: in my head, I had the expectation that he would
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: come back and he'd be like, I love you, I
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: want to stay with you. This is worth it. I'm
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: willing to try, I'm willing to give you what you
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: need and all of the things, and like just meet
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: you in the level of vulnerability that you actually want.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: And I just remember like having my hopes up thinking
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: that he would do that and say that, and then
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: when he said that, I just remember feeling so crushed
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: and so disappointed because I was like, Fuck, this man
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: is just like not meeting me where I want him
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: to meet me, you know, And I'm like, fuck, am
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: I really not worth it to you? Like I remember
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: thinking that about myself. I got angry. I was just
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: like why am I even here?
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: Then? Yeah, why did you call me here?
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: Why did you bring me here? Why do you want
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: to talk about it? Is this? You just fucking pull
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: me right back. You know how to get under my skin,
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: and you know that I love you so much that
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: maybe I would come back and just allow the exact
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: same thing to happen. All over again, and I remember
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: saying to him, I'm no one's fucking secret, and he's like,
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: You're not a secret. He's like, I do choose you.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: I do care about him, Like I don't feel chosen.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: I can feel that you're half in. I can feel
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: that you're confused. He didn't even ask me to be
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: his girlfriend. And he's like, to me, that's not a
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: big thing to me. When I'm spending time with you
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: like you are my partner, that is it. There's no
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: need to ask. I asked him four separate occasions, and still,
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: even then, after telling him how important it was to me,
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: did not ask me to be his girlfriend, because to me,
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: I wanted to know there was a label here. This
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: was important for you to know that other people know
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: that I'm not available and that you're not available either,
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: And to me, that was like he wanted to keep
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: the door open. He wanted to keep the door open,
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: so there was no quote unquote commitment, so there was
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: no quote unquote actual relationship barrier and container. And for me,
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: that's what created so much uncertainty in me too, because
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: I was like, are we just dating? Are we just
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: fucking like?
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: Kind of not even really that. Am I just company?
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: Am I just company to keep for you, to have
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: somebody gas you up and make you feel good about
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: yourself while you just go and live your life and
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: have your own separate life, whilst I just like hope
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: and wish that you want me in the same way.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: And it's interesting too, because, like I say, all these
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: things right, but a part of me really did believe
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: that he was in it. Yeah, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed.
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: I really did believe that, and I felt that from
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: him in some areas. But then there were also a
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: lot of incongruencies in his behavior and little moments like
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: what I've been explaining that made me think hugely in
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: my head, something about this is not right, something about
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: this doesn't add up. There is incongruency between this vision
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: that he's painting for you and his behavior and the
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: way that he's behaving. Because if he did actually think
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: and feel the way that he was explaining and what
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: he was telling me about the future he wanted to
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: create with me, his behavior would be different. His behavior
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: would make me feel secure, make me feel reassured, make
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: me feel like there is no other woman for him.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: He just didn't create that level of safety for me,
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: And like, I'm not here sitting here painting an image
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: or like trying to make him the bad guy or
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: anything like that. I'm just sharing my emotional experience because
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, I do think he's
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: a great person. I just think he didn't have the
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: capacity to meet me. And the problem with the way
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: that I behaved after things ended, and also leading up
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: to the end, is that I wanted to make sure
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: that I preserved his feelings and how he felt throughout
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: the entire thing.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: You're so considerate.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: I enabled his behavior so badly because I didn't speak up.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: I didn't voice what was wrong. I didn't get fiery
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: or like fucking passionate about the things that I was like,
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: this is, oh fucking right. I think like if I
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: had done that, things would have ended either much quicker
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: or I would have gotten a much different outcome with him.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: But I enabled him and I allowed him to keep
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: doing the things that he was doing because I didn't
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: put my foot down. I didn't make a stand. I
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: didn't stand up for myself or back myself or believe
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: that I was worthy of better behavior from a man.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: And it makes me passionate. Now it makes me frustrated,
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: and I have a lot of compassion for that younger
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: version of me who just so badly wanted to keep
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: him in my life, because my biggest wound came up
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: of abandonment, of like, if I do something wrong or
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: step out of line, I'm going to lose the man
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: that I love forever. I was anxious. I was fearful
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: of him leaving. I was trying to preserve and people
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: please and do all these things. I didn't even get
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: to give him like the real version of me, do
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean? I was even my true
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: self around him. So I'm like, in that sense, I
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: know that that was my role to play, but I
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: also did enable him and just allow the behaviors that
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: he was doing to persist for such a long time,
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: to the point where there was a point of no return,
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: Like because I allowed it. At the end of the day,
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: I can't get mad at her for wanting to stay
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: and you know, staying in this dynamic that wasn't working.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: When why would he not? There were so many benefits,
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: so that dynamic and relationship. He's not going to sit
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: here and go, oh wow, this person praises me, loves me,
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: does everything for me, fucking puts on a show for me,
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: Like does all the things that I could possibly want
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: in a partner, but I don't have to give her
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: the equal in returns, and I still get to receive.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: Why would someone leave?
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: That's so true.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Why would someone leave? It's not on him and I
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: again not sitting here blaming him. We both played our role.
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: But I sit here and I look at my own
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: behavior and go wow, Like it was my responsibility in
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: all of that to look at where the mismatch of
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: energy and effort and intentionality in that relationship was and go, wow,
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: this actually isn't for me because I'm not getting what
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: I'm giving.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know that's incredible. Yeah, And I feel like
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: when that relationship ended, I'm being so close to you,
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: were spending so much time together. Once it ended, it
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: was so hard, and you've grieved it for a very
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: long time, as you do and as you should a relationship.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: But that's what the first time I use that analogy
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: of like your wing being set free, Like I've really
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: felt you and saw you fully open up and like
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: this bubbly, this playful, this like woman who even like
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: business stuff. You would come to me and give me
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: this idea and then say oh, but then he said
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: dah da da da. And I tried not to interfere
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: too much, but I could see that you were totally
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: like dismissing what you were thinking, what you wanted to do.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: And the moment that relationship ended, you were like, I
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: think I want to do this, and I'm like, you
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: wanted to do that for so long?
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Do it?
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And then you were like, I'm actually gonna try this,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: and you started to like try an experiment and just
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: trush yourself more, listen, more, take more resks, be okay
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: to try new things. It's really cool to watch that
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: unfold because that was the first day of the rest
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: of your life. Like you change as a woman after that.
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: And that's the beautiful lessons in going through hardships, every
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: hard situation, every relationship. You will take so many lessons
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: out of it. And you wouldn't be who you are
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: today if you didn't go through all of that. Yeah,
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: would I ever want you to go through that again? Absolutely?
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Fucking not so hard to watch you go through that
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: and the heartbreak, and like I just used to get
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: so angry because I'm like, what the fuck, man, fuck
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: what you have? Like I used to say this Steve,
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: like he will never find a girl like her ever again,
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: Like she is at ten in all areas internally, externally,
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: Like you can't get better. Yeah, I think you're sick. You.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I still to this day, I'm like, man, good luck, Yeah,
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: good luck.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: I love you And honestly like that moment, Like, honestly
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: it's truly it was the hardest day of my life
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: to leave him, because I really didn't want to leave,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: I know, and I like battled myself for so long,
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: Like even after that grieving the relationship. It's been over
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: a year and a half now and I still have
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: moments when it comes down with me. But at the
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: end of the day, like that decision to leave was
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: the first day that I chose myself in a really
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: long time. And I remember how that felt in my body,
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: when I was just like, you know what, fuck this
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: the level of sacrifice that I felt like I had
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: all of the things that were important to me, babe,
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: I felt like I had to give up. I was
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: potentially thinking of never having children for him.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: You're convinced you didn't want to.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: I was convinced. I was like, fuck it, No, not
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: having children would be worth being with this man. I
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: was likely where I was at, Oh you don't want kids.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: I thought I'd have to give up public displays of affection,
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: feeling intimate with my partner, not having sex all the time,
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: you know, my needs always being pushed to the side
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: because there was something grander, a bigger vision that was
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: bigger than us, that was so much more important. And
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: like I reckon, I would have lived a really unhappy life,
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: you know, And whilst there was still love there, I
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: still knew that. I still knew that, and like that
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: moment that I chose myself. Every day after that, my
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: life increasingly got better. Every single day that I stayed away,
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: something better happened in my life.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because you created space and room for it.
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: I allowed myself to be myself. I chose myself. I
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: chose what I wanted over what he wanted. I chose
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: my ideas over his ideas. I chose my way of
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: doing things for me over his way of doing things.
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: And it was like I had to unlearn all of
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: the things that I learned from being with him. Although
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: there were a lot of good things there were also
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: a lot of limiting things that I had picked up
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: along the way too, And it was about literally like
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: taking the fucking shell off my shoulders and literally like
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: rebirthing and like allowing my wings to like come back,
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: and feeling confident in myself again, learning to trust myself again,
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: learning to walk myself through the grief this relationship, and
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: choosing myself instead of a man who was showing me
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: that he didn't fucking choose me or didn't care in
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: the way that I deserve to be cared for. And
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: it's funny because I remember thinking like, I feel hard
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: to love, I feel hard to love, I feel like
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: gross and dirty and like not lovable, and like there's
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: something wrong with me, and all the things because of
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: all the things that had unfolded in that relationship, and
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: then coming out of that, I was like, no, that's bullshit.
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: That story is a fucking lie, like and then I started.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: The beautiful thing about hindsight, right when you leave a
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: relationship is that you don't recognize all of the incompatibilities
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: until after you leave, until you have time to reflect,
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: until you can look back on the relationship dynamic and go, wow,
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: this thing didn't work, or he did this, or he
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: said this, and then it made you feel like this
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: when that's not true, and you just like dissect the relationship.
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: And the more time I spent apart from him, the
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: more I realized it would have never worked, and I
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: would have been a miserable version of myself, not because
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: of him, but because of the incompatibility. And no matter
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: how much we said that we were compatible on paper,
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: we just weren't. At the end of the day, I
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: would say to him after we broke up, I think
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: we're so unaligned, and he goes, no, we're so aligned.
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: I think we're so aligned in so many of these areas.
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: I'm like, but why do I feel like this? Then?
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: Why on paper does it feel amazing? And then in
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: reality I'm miserable. I don't feel beautiful and don't feel
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: sexy enough, I don't feel good enough, I don't feel
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: chosen about everyth these things. Yeah, and I was like,
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: why do I feel like this?
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I think?
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: Like the beautiful thing about like breakups is that sometimes
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: they will bring you to your knees so that you
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: can learn something, and like, in this relationship, Don't get
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: me wrong, there's also a lot of beautiful things that
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: I learned about myself, you know, ways of being, ways
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: of thinking, ways of showing up in the world that
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: I learn from being with him and from the way
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: that he does life. And I'm forever grateful for that.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: I'm also forever grateful for the experience, too, because without
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: that experience, and without having known him or met him,
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be who I am now. And I honestly,
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for that because through not choosing myself
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: in that relationship and then having to leave, it literally
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: taught me how to love myself. Probably And I've been
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: on this journey of personal development for ten years and
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was growing, growing, growing, and I
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: felt like this relationship knocked me back, but then it
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: also cut of pulled me ten stories forward to and
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: I think that's what I'm so grateful for. My biggest
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: lesson in this relationship was it literally taught me how
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: to love myself again, because I didn't love myself in
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: the relationship. I didn't choose myself. And it's funny because
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: people say that, like, your relationships are a mirror of
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: what you're doing with yourself, and the people in it
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: reflect you know, your own behavior back to you. And
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: it's funny because I would point fingers at him, and
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: I would judge him and blame him and make him
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: the problem of the relationship when I chose to stay,
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: and it wasn't his fault that I stayed, It was
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: my own. I chose to be there in and amongst
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: all of that, but also the moment that I left,
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: That was the first day of me loving myself for
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: the rest of my life, and ever since then, I
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: have only grown and become a grander, more committed, more
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: certain version of myself who was grounded in myself and
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: my beliefs and my ideas, all of the things that
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: I lacked in that relationship. Without that relationship, I wouldn't
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: have guidelines of what I will and won't allow next time.
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: There's no way in fucking hell that I will ever
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: allow myself to go through that again because of how
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: low I felt in that relationship, even whilst I felt
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: so happy at the same time. Because that's the really
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: hard thing about relationships, is that it can feel the
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: best and you can be in love with them and
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: love them so much, but be a shell of a
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: human and not prioritize yourself and feel really unfulfilled and
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: feel really insecure. And it's the contrast of those two
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: emotions and that emotional rollercoaster that makes it really hard
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: to leave, because you love them and you want to
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: be with them, and you see the best in them,
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: and you want to think the world of them, but
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: then you're also experiencing all these other things, and you
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: don't know how to comprehend what's happening in your brain
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: because you're being fed all this dopamine and love and
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: attention and validation and then also all of this insecurity
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: and all of these so it's like a fucking whirlwind
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: of emoment cold It is so confusing. But if there's
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: one thing that I could say to you is if
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: you feel confused in your relationship, in your dating life,
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: in whatever, there's a reason for that, and that confusion
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: is a sign of behavior that's kind of happening and
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: unfolding in the relationship that isn't meant to be happening,
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: because you're not meant to be confused. You're not meant
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: to think and question does this person love me, does
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: this person choose me, does this person care about does
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: this person even like me? You're not meant that. There
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: is supposed to be no doubt in your mind that
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: that is truth. So there are a couple of things
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: that I wrote down that I'd love to share with you,
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: of lessons that I really learned the hard way in
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: this relationship dynamic. They are that you can't love someone
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: into loving you, because no matter how much love you give,
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: if somebody is not willing to reciprocate, you don't have
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: a relationship.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: That word willing. Hey, yeah, it's just been such a
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: strong word for us the last like twelve months, i'd say.
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, like that relationship,
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: he was unwilling to meet me and to do what
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: it took moves through the discomfort of what it would
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: require him of a man to meet me in the
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: depth I needed at all. Don't get me wrong, Like,
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: I know that I can be hard work and that
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: I have high standards. But for good reason, you know,
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: that was my filter, but I didn't see it as
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: a filter. Then I just thought, oh, I have to
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: dim myself for this, And now I realized that I
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: don't have to do that anymore. I don't know, I'm
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: never going to try to love somebody into loving me,
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: because it should just be there. And if it's not
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: reciprocated in the way I can give it and how
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: easily I can give it, then it's not meant to
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: be it. So the next one is that you can't
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: prove your worth no matter how much you try, no
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: matter how much you try to go against your intuition,
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: it will whisper to you until it screams yes.
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: That's so true.
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: When you feel something is wrong, leave the first time
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: that it doesn't sit well with you. And i'm talking
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: about especially if they're not willing, I'm talking about more dating.
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: If there's something that is a big red flag for
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: you or not sit well with you in a non negotiable,
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: don't compromise on those things because it will be something
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: you'll become resentful for later.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: That's right. It's so important to know your values and
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: your standards and your boundaries from the get go. Otherwise
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: it's blurry and you end up being confused, resentful, and
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: arguments happen because it's just like why is this happening?
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: But if you're so clear on all of that going in,
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: you won't bump into those problems.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, And if you advocate for those things in
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: the beginning, then that person's going to understand, oh shit,
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: I actually got to do this. You know, when somebody
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: is showing you that they aren't all in, don't use
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: it as an excuse to try harder and use it
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: as a reason to become disinterested and give them less
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: of your time. We'll leave or leave. Yeah, when you
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: feel confused, it's because their words and their actions don't match.
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: Pay attention.
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: Pay attention.
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: You can love someone and know that they aren't good
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: for you sometimes love is not enough, yes, And also
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: that loving yourself is the most important thing.
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's beautiful.
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: So all of these things are obviously more ways that
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: you can like protect yourself, you know. But at the
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: end of the day, like, these are the hard lessons
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: that I felt like I had to learn in this relationship.
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: And I wouldn't have learned it if I didn't have
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: love for myself at the time. Yeah, you know, it
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: was like I didn't choose myself. And I was strong
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: enough at the time to leave when I knew that
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: something was wrong. And if I could do it all again,
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: like and I deal with this awareness, I would have
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: left six weeks in when I felt it the lifetime.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: But also I needed this experience to shape me as
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: a woman and to also be a good leader for
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: all of the women who come into Rise inside, for
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: all of the coaching clients that come into me who
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: deal with relationship stuff. And I can sit on the
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: other side of the screen and go, hey, I've been
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: through it myself. I know what it feels like not
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: to choose myself. I'm not sitting here on my high
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: horse saying that I've never done it before. I'm actually
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: going to show you exactly how to move out of this,
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: how you can learn to love yourself again too. And
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: so I smile like right now because I'm grateful for
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: the experience, and whilst it was the most heartbreaking thing
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: I feel like I've been through. I mean, there's a
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: few things, but I am so grateful. I'm so grateful
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: because of the version that I am today. And I
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: wouldn't take back that experience because it would take back
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: all the lessons I had to learn and how I've
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: had to choose myself at every moment of grief of
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: wanting to go back and not choosing myself, feeling like
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: my life would never be the same without him and
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: choosing to believe a different narrative and go, no, my
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: life is better now because I chose myself as a result,
• 49:14
  Speaker 2: and also believing that what I experienced isn't all that
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: there is for me. I remember you used to lay
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: in bed at night when I would be with him,
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: and I'd be like, Tianna, this isn't all there is
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: to you, This isn't meant to be it, and I
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: can feel it in my check.
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: I did.
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: I used to like, I remember there was one there
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: was a couple of times where I would literally lay
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: next to him and I would cry, like while he
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: would sleep, because I felt I felt so unloved, babe.
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: I just felt so like unimportant.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Like lonely, and they're the person.
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: That's I felt lonely. And I used to say to
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: him like, I feel like I'm the only one in
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: this relationship. I feel like I'm doing this by myself.
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: And all of the hardships and challenges that you think
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: that you would go through with your partner side by side,
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: holding hands, going I fucking have got you. It was
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: like he was having his own experience over there and
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: I was over here in the corner, like crying myself
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: because I didn't have anybody to lean on. It's so sad,
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: and he was physic there, but emotionally he just was
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: not there, and that was the hardest thing to come
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: to terms with. So I just I share all of
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: this not to shit on him. I still do think
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: the world of him, even through even after all of
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: this pain and heartbreak and all the things. But I
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: share it with you to give you context of like
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: the headspace you can be in when you're in this
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: confusion place in a relationship where you're abandoning yourself and
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: you're not choosing yourself and you feel like somebody else
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: is more important than you. I really just hope that
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: this gives you permission to know that you're not alone
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: and that you're human for going through experiences like this.
• 50:39
  Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong with you for experiencing things like this,
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: But it's about how you choose yourself after and what
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: you do after that's really important, and that is going
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: to make you fall in love with yourself and your
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: life again. So you never have to experience anything like
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: this again, because what you want for yourself is available.
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: You just have to believe it, even if you can't
• 50:59
  Speaker 2: see it, touch it, or feel it. Yet you just
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: have to trust and that intuition will always lead you right.
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: And if there was one thing that I could give you,
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: like a piece of advice, is that, like, I wish
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: I listened to my intuition sooner, and I wish I
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: gave myself the benefit of the doubt to listen to
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: the things that I was telling myself, because it's like
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: my body knew before my mind did, yeah, and my
• 51:21
  Speaker 2: mind just had to catch up. And when it did,
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: I left so beautiful.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: And I think it's really servedy now witnessing. You know,
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: when you date a man or start to get to
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: know them, it's like, as soon as those red flags
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: are there, or you just know they're not willing to meet,
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: or it's not aligned, or they do life differently, you're
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: so quick to speak about it. And sometimes you'll just
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: say something like, oh, I just said this to him.
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like wow, Like I've been single for a very
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: long time. But the people, please are all like the
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: scared little girl, and I'm like, I'd be so scared
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: to say that in case they didn't want to be
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: with me, or in case they left, or in case
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: they thought I was too strict or too much, and
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: it's so cool to watch you go through that and
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: even share that with your other single friends because I
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: just feel like you're such a leader in I know
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: what I want. I'm so clear on my values, and
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: if it's not you, then that's okay. Yeah, you go,
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: you live your life. I'll live mine, and I trust
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: that I'm going to attract them that can meet me
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: there and it's going to be so easy and he's
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: going to love me so easily. And it's just it's
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: been so cool to what you go from where you
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: were to where you are now, Babe. Yeah, Like as
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: sad and as heartbreaking as it.
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: Were, it feels good. I'm glad that I can be
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: in this place because the way that I look at
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: it is like, if I can leave the what I
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: thought was the love of my life, I can do anything,
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: because that's a hard thing to do. Yeah, Like literally
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: the man I would have saw myself growing old with. Like,
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: if I can leave him and I can do it
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: and choose myself, like, I'm good because then I know
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: I'm willing to choose myself and what I want to
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: advocate for the life that I want over anyone that
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: I prioritize is so important to me or deemed so
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: important to me in terms of an intimate partner, because
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: that man is going to determine how I am when
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: I get married. Yeah, he's going to be the person
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: who supports me when my parents die. He's going to
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: be the person who supports me when I give birth
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: in the delivery room. When I think of all those
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: experiences and I think of feeling that empty, I'm fucking
• 53:00
  Speaker 2: out of here. I'm fucking out. There's no fucking way
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: I could not do it, couldn't do it to myself.
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: And so now I'm like, no, I advocate for the
• 53:08
  Speaker 2: things that I want in the beginning. If I don't
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: like it in the beginning, I voice it straight away
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: because I'm not going to let this go any further
• 53:13
  Speaker 2: than you're.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: Going to meet you or they're that's right.
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: And now I'm not in a position where before I
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: used to get really shitty and be like I need
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: to do this and do this and try to like
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: control almost, whereas now I'm like, no, no, no, I'm going
• 53:24
  Speaker 2: to sit back and let you do what you would
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: rather do, yes, And then I can decide if I
• 53:27
  Speaker 2: want to stay based or your behavior, so choose wisely. Yeah,
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: you know, it's cool, high standards and I'm not power.
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: I'm going to tell you what my standards are, just
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: so you're aware of them. Yeah, but if you decide
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: to do anything outside of that, I'm okay to leave
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: because I would rather fucking not.
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: And it's cool because I think it shows where the
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: man is at too, because there has been one man
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: that you dated and he was almost intimidated by it,
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: and he literally like backed away, and you're like, cool, wise,
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: now you're not it for me, and like you know
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: the man that you're seeing now, it's like, just does
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: it so easily?
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh?
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: Oh cool.
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: You know what as well? Something that you'll learn in
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: hindsight too, when you go from somebody who was so
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: emotionally charged to you almost like trauma bond vibes. When
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: you go from someone like that and you come into
• 54:04
  Speaker 2: a hell the relationship, you're probably going to want to sabotage,
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: want to run away, find reasons to push that person
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: away because it doesn't feel as intense as the previous person.
• 54:14
  Speaker 2: And this has been something that I've had to really
• 54:16
  Speaker 2: I'm working through now you're aware of I'm aware of it.
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: I'm aware of knowing that what I previously felt was
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: so intense, But I don't think it was a healthy intense.
• 54:26
  Speaker 2: I think for me, that was my anxiousness coming out
• 54:29
  Speaker 2: and meet trauma bonding with him, and trauma bonding with
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: the addiction of the chaos from that dynamic. As much
• 54:35
  Speaker 2: as I loved him, I know it was there, but
• 54:37
  Speaker 2: I also know that that was the intensity, and I
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: don't think that intensity is healthy. And what I've learned
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: is that when I feel more secure, it feels more
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: of a peaceful energy. And that's what I'm experiencing right now,
• 54:48
  Speaker 2: is I feel at peace with the man who's in
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: my life because of the reassurance that he gives me
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: and how easy it feels for him to love me.
• 54:57
  Speaker 2: You know, it's like anything that I ask for, done,
• 54:59
  Speaker 2: anything that I need, done, anything that I don't like,
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: stops doing. Like He's just so willing, and I don't
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: think I've ever experienced that in my life, and so
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: to experience that now is so beautiful and also sometimes
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: really scary. Yeah, you know, because I'm like, oh shit,
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: like ah, like I feel bad, it feels real, it
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: feels beautiful. It's all the things that I've always wanted,
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: and so it's you know, I'm still figuring things out,
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: but I'm also willing to learn. And I also just
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: know that what I attract now is going to be
• 55:26
  Speaker 2: vastly different from what I've experienced before. So I'll never
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: let that back in my life.
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: And that's really exciting. It's like I saw a quote
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: or a video and it was like we used to
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: crave like the sparks and the fireworks and the butterflies.
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: Now tell me and it's like, actually, what we really
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: need is someone that calms our nervous system, someone that
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: we feel peaceful around, someone that makes us feel safe,
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: Like it's not about that electric and of course you
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: want that sexually, that sexual chemistry, but there's a difference
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: between that, like when you say that traumpond and that
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: like buyer, but it's almost like anxious energy. It's not
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: like you want someone that just makes you feel totally yourself,
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: totally calm, at peace at home, that you can just
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: be yourself and it just got you. Yeah, that is
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: way more important.
• 56:04
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know what, well, Like when I talk
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: about this relationship, I don't want you to think that
• 56:07
  Speaker 2: I'm just like, you know, talking shit and labeling it
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: all as bad. Like there were obviously a lot of
• 56:13
  Speaker 2: good things that I experienced in that dynamic as well,
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: but I'm also not here to talk about the things
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: that were good. I'm here to talk about like them,
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: the lessons and the experience. And also it's a very
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: relatable thing to go through it. That's what you're sharing
• 56:24
  Speaker 2: common dating.
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, is to help women if that in case they're
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: feeling this, going through this, feel stuck, feel like confused, confused,
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: there's no way out, don't never find anyone again, Like
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: that was your intention to share this. It's like, I
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: know women are going through this because I'm not alone
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: and going through it absolutely, And I think it's something
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: that women don't talk about, oh, especially when you've had
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: a bad experience or one that really hurt you.
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: We don't really talk in the depths of these things.
• 56:48
  Speaker 2: We don't talk about the little micro moments, how it
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: felt to feel alone while you're sitting next to your partner,
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: you're crying late at night because you feel isolated and
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: you feel empty inside, and like no one talks about
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: those things. But if you can and know that you're
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: not alone. Then I feel like it will help you
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: heal on your journey to finding yourself again. Yeah, and
• 57:04
  Speaker 2: going through the motions of grief after the relationship too,
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: because it's been a year and a half and I'm
• 57:09
  Speaker 2: still gone through waves. I still have moments now. It's
• 57:12
  Speaker 2: much better than what it was. That first year of
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: breakup was really fucking hard on me. Really, I don't
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: think I felt like myself for a good six months
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: after that relationship ended.
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: Even your body reacted like hell, wasn't the bad.
• 57:23
  Speaker 2: My immune system was shot. Like I literally was having
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: full body rashes all over my body because I was
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: so mentally stressed and just like anxious all the time
• 57:31
  Speaker 2: and just felt like a little bit like dissociated too.
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I was just trying to still do life. Yeah, yeah, Yeah,
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: it was a lot. Yeah, we've done so well. Thank
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: you so much for sharing all the depths. I know
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: it is not easy to share all of that, but
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: your intention behind it was really beautiful. Even behind the scenes.
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: There isn't one moment where you've just been like, oh,
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: it's oh his fould and he's shit and he him.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: That always taken over responsibility old enough for the role
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: you played.
• 57:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I used to always overly take
• 57:59
  Speaker 2: responsibility because I always thought that there was more that
• 58:01
  Speaker 2: I could do in the relationship. But the more that
• 58:03
  Speaker 2: I come out of the relationship, the more I realize
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: that the relationship didn't breakdown because of me. The relationship
• 58:08
  Speaker 2: breakdown because of him, and he wasn't willing and I
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: was and I was there and I was all in
• 58:12
  Speaker 2: and he wasn't. Yeah, And I don't need to take
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: responsibility for that anymore. And I don't apologize for not
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: doing that. No, Yeah, I just like, am really proud
• 58:20
  Speaker 2: of the person that I am now and the person
• 58:22
  Speaker 2: the woman that I am, and how I lead myself
• 58:24
  Speaker 2: and my life and my relationships and who I am.
• 58:27
  Speaker 2: And I'm really proud of the way that I show
• 58:28
  Speaker 2: up in relationships in terms of communication, willingness, hard conversations,
• 58:34
  Speaker 2: the willingness to do the hard, uncomfortable things that most
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: people aren't willing.
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: To do, avoid or suppress. Yeah.
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: And not to say that I don't have human moments,
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: because I do. I'm not a perfect human, but I
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: am fucking willing and I do think that I am
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: a very I would be a very incredible partner one day,
• 58:47
  Speaker 2: and I'm excited for the day where I am able
• 58:51
  Speaker 2: to meet my equal in that you know, and who
• 58:54
  Speaker 2: knows when that'll be super exciting.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh I love it. And yeah that word willingness, Hey,
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: that's just come forward for the forefront. It not even
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: in our discussions, but other friendships as well, like having
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: a part and not even just intimate partner. This can
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: be with your family members, your friendships. Like someone that
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: is willing to have the hard conversations, willing to take responsibility,
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: even willing to just like do their own work, because
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: no one's perfect, No one is perfect. But if you're
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: doing something in a relationship that isn't serving the relationship,
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: that's hurting the relationship, that's hurting the person you love,
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: like that is your responsibility to work on that. And
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: if they're not willing to, nothing's going to change. So
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: then you ask yourself, am I willing to accept this
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: kind of behavior? Am I willing to settle for feeling
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: like this all the time? If the answer is no,
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: and they're not willing to meet you there, then you've
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: got your answer. Absolutely, if you've got someone that's willing
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: to take responsibility and work on it. Then that's worth
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: trying to really look out for.
• 59:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that willingness is everything every and you know what
• 59:47
  Speaker 2: you'll feel it.
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: If it's not there, you will feel and you'll see it.
• 59:49
  Speaker 2: You'll see it. It'll feel like you begging that person
• 59:52
  Speaker 2: to keep him what it is that you need.
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, definitely. Well, thank you so much. I was
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: absolutely beautiful. I think you covered everything so so beautifully.
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much. For a really long time, I
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: didn't want to talk about the relationship in case I
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 2: ever wanted to go back. And that's the reality. For
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 2: the first like year or so, that's how I felt.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: I haven't felt like that for a long time now,
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 2: but I really wanted to preserve the way that he felt.
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 2: And I know he listens to the podcast and stuff
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 2: like that, so I was mindful. I don't know about now,
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: but maybe one day it or hopefully all of this
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: experience has helped him grow as a human too. It's
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 2: just like it did me. And yeah, hopefully somebody else
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 2: gets the better of him.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: Definitely, and also any women out there that are experiencing this,
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: we really hope this allows you to really connect with
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: what's important to you, and if something isn't feeling right,
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: you're getting those nudges and those intuitions and that little
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: voice in your head that's saying something's not right. To
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: actually lean in, Yeah, have the hard conversation, stand up
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: for what you believe in, stand up for what you want,
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: voice what you want, communicator or and make your decisions
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: from there.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And don't shame yourself for not having left earlier.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: There's no benefit to that. You don't benefit to shaming
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 2: yourself or being like leading yourself out or going, oh
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 2: my god, I should have known better or I should
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: have done better or whatever. It's like. No, like you
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: needed to experience all of that, and maybe you weren't
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 2: ready then.
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: I wasn't ready until I made that decision then, and
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 2: that was almost a year and a half in. If
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: you're not ready up until the moment you do, don't
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 2: preate yourself for not having left to go. That's all
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 2: that's important is how you feel right now and what
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: you choose moving forward. That's it. Leave the past and
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: the past and move on from it and just be
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 2: kind to yourself.
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: Doesn't help you with anything. It's a good piece of advice.
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of women do that. Yeah, all right, guys,
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: this is a big conversation. I hope you guys enjoyed it.
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: Any questions, you guys can always pop into Rise in
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: Side or that she raises forum and let us know.
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: But I hope you enjoyed this and it helps you
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: in any way, shape or form. We'll see you guys
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: tomorrow for best advice.
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 2: Bye bye,