Latest / Your Enriched Self / 259. Adding Value: The Giver's Mindset

Transcript

259. Adding Value: The Giver's Mindset · Your Enriched Self

3:13
Speaker 1: Hello, my friends from all across the globe, and welcome
3:16
Speaker 1: to Your Enriched Self podcast. I'm your host, my Lee Noir.
3:20
Speaker 1: I am an emotional wellness and environment coach. What that
3:23
Speaker 1: means I'm looking out for you. I create and curate
3:27
Speaker 1: these episodes each and every week to help you do
3:32
Speaker 1: some self evaluation because the goal is for you to
3:35
Speaker 1: become more of your enriched self. And it's work that
3:39
Speaker 1: we do every single day right, sometimes without even thinking
3:42
Speaker 1: about it. But I want you to be intentional about
3:46
Speaker 1: what you're doing to become the best version of you,
3:49
Speaker 1: and that's what we do here each and every week.
3:51
Speaker 1: If you are new to this podcast, I wanna thank
3:55
Speaker 1: you for being here. I know that you have been
3:56
Speaker 1: brought here on purpose for a p and if you
4:01
Speaker 1: are a repeat listener, thank you. Thank you from the
4:05
Speaker 1: bottom of my heart. You are why we are here
4:10
Speaker 1: and becoming enriched each and every week. Your participation, you
4:14
Speaker 1: sharing this podcast and being part of this your and
4:18
Speaker 1: Rich Health family has really helped us continue to grow. Now,
4:24
Speaker 1: before we get into this week's episode, if you know
4:28
Speaker 1: you know, one of the things I do each and
4:30
Speaker 1: every week on the podcast is make a deposit into
4:33
Speaker 1: the bank of you, and I do that by way
4:36
Speaker 1: of affirmations. Affirmations are a great way to start your
4:41
Speaker 1: day and to command your morning. And this week's affirmation
4:47
Speaker 1: is I add value wherever I go without abandoning myself
4:54
Speaker 1: along the way. I add value wherever I go without
5:01
Speaker 1: abandoning myself along the way. I add value wherever I
5:08
Speaker 1: go without abandoning myself along the way. Now, let's get
5:17
Speaker 1: ready for it this week's episode of the Your Enriched
5:21
Speaker 1: Self podcast. Energy is currency. I repeat, energy is currency.
5:48
Speaker 1: You need to think about how you intend to spend
5:54
Speaker 1: your energy source. And so I really want to bring
6:00
Speaker 1: to the front the people listening who deem themselves as givers.
6:08
Speaker 1: And before this episode ends, if you think you are
6:12
Speaker 1: a giver, you will know very clearly that you are
6:17
Speaker 1: and you may even look in the mirror and find
6:21
Speaker 1: that you may be on the opposite side of a giver.
6:27
Speaker 1: Now I want you to think about it like this,
6:31
Speaker 1: What kind of energy do you bring into a room
6:38
Speaker 1: when you walk into that room. What kind of person
6:45
Speaker 1: are you becoming in your relationships? I think those are
6:51
Speaker 1: really important questions to ask to get to the ground
6:56
Speaker 1: floor of givers and tear Givers often create for you
7:10
Speaker 1: a safe space, a spacious environment. It comes with ease
7:17
Speaker 1: and grace. When you are around the giver, you don't
7:22
Speaker 1: feel evaluated, manipulated, recruited, or drained. It's like you can breathe.
7:30
Speaker 1: A taker, on the other hand, can leave you feeling
7:35
Speaker 1: like you've literally given yourself away. You've given something away,
7:40
Speaker 1: your attention, your energy, your resources, your validation, your connections,
7:48
Speaker 1: your time, and sometimes your even emotional labor. That's what
7:56
Speaker 1: I want to talk about on this episode because I
7:58
Speaker 1: realize and I remember hearing this years ago on the
8:02
Speaker 1: Oprah Show. In this world there's givers and takers? Which
8:05
Speaker 1: one are you? And I want to revisit that and
8:09
Speaker 1: have a different conversation about it. I want to make
8:14
Speaker 1: sure that it is very clear to you that a
8:16
Speaker 1: giver is not somebody that's just given you whatever you want,
8:19
Speaker 1: whenever you want it, and they're doing it constantly without
8:23
Speaker 1: calculating what they can get from you. That's not a giver.
8:29
Speaker 1: I really want to focus on three key areas that
8:32
Speaker 1: I want you to pay attention to when you are
8:37
Speaker 1: around people. How do they make you feel? Not just
8:42
Speaker 1: what you say when you're with them, Because what givers
8:47
Speaker 1: do is again, they give you that space to be yourself.
8:51
Speaker 1: Have you ever been around a person that just you
8:54
Speaker 1: feel the support. They might not be able to do
8:57
Speaker 1: and give like you probably need, but they support you
9:05
Speaker 1: and they do it without this hidden agenda. Takers Again,
9:16
Speaker 1: you leave that interaction, you leave that relationship, and you
9:22
Speaker 1: feel drained, You feel like you were obligated. That's what
9:28
Speaker 1: a taker does to you. So this is what I
9:32
Speaker 1: want you to do this week. I haven't given you
9:37
Speaker 1: homework in a while, but I want you to have
9:40
Speaker 1: an energy check. I want you to think about three
9:45
Speaker 1: people in your life. And you may want to pause,
9:54
Speaker 1: get a pen at a paper, or write this down,
9:57
Speaker 1: type this down, text this out, put this in your notes.
10:02
Speaker 1: But I want you to do this activity, which is
10:05
Speaker 1: your energy check activity. Think about three people in your life,
10:13
Speaker 1: and I want you to answer this question. How do
10:16
Speaker 1: you typically feel after spending time with person one, person two,
10:23
Speaker 1: person three? Are you walking away energized or depleted? Do
10:34
Speaker 1: you feel safe being yourself around this person these persons?
10:41
Speaker 1: And is it a mutual relationship of giving and receiving
10:47
Speaker 1: or do you find that it's one sided? And finally,
10:51
Speaker 1: what patterns have you noticed? I would absolutely look for
10:56
Speaker 1: patterns because I don't think it's fair that one interaction,
11:01
Speaker 1: or your last interaction, or maybe your first interaction, although
11:06
Speaker 1: you know what they say about first impressions, but I
11:11
Speaker 1: don't think it's fair to look for this with one interaction.
11:16
Speaker 1: I think you need to look at the patterns of
11:19
Speaker 1: how the relationship is. Think about it like this. If
11:22
Speaker 1: you're always the person calling, if you're always the person
11:26
Speaker 1: setting things up, you might be the person giving. Where
11:33
Speaker 1: are the people that should be showing up? They might
11:38
Speaker 1: be sitting in that taker space? But again, is this
11:42
Speaker 1: a consistent pattern? So these are the things that you
11:46
Speaker 1: need to think about. Now. I just had you check
11:51
Speaker 1: your people. Now I need you to check yourself. Are
11:55
Speaker 1: you a giver or a taker? Again, it's so easy
11:59
Speaker 1: to look at these three people, or look at the
12:01
Speaker 1: people at work, look at the people in your family,
12:04
Speaker 1: look at the people in your community, and see and
12:07
Speaker 1: how they interact if they're givers, if they're takers, and
12:11
Speaker 1: you can put them in categories. But I'm telling you
12:15
Speaker 1: that you have moments in your life where you're a giver,
12:19
Speaker 1: you'r receiver, and sometimes you're an overgiver or you might
12:23
Speaker 1: be a taker, So it's important to have that self
12:28
Speaker 1: awareness of where you can recognize your own patterns. I'm
12:36
Speaker 1: actually thinking about a relationship right now with a friend
12:39
Speaker 1: of mine who has been very diligent about reaching out
12:42
Speaker 1: to me, and I always think about reaching out, but
12:47
Speaker 1: then I don't reach out, and then they reach out.
12:49
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've ever been there, But again,
12:54
Speaker 1: is this a pattern? Has it always been that way? Right?
12:56
Speaker 1: But this has been recent. So again I'm really think
13:00
Speaker 1: about my own evaluation and my own self awareness because
13:04
Speaker 1: I need to and you need to check yourself as well.
13:11
Speaker 1: So this, this activity is going to be a moment
13:14
Speaker 1: in the mirror. I love these mirror moment activities. And
13:20
Speaker 1: this is you completing the following statements. I am most
13:28
Speaker 1: generous when fill in the blank. People can count on
13:34
Speaker 1: me to fill in the blank. One way I could
13:42
Speaker 1: become a better listener is and we all know that
13:47
Speaker 1: listening is a skill and skills are required to be
13:51
Speaker 1: practiced so one can get better. You don't automatically become
13:57
Speaker 1: a good listener. You practice at being quiet. You practice
14:02
Speaker 1: at active listening, not listening to respond, but listening to understand. Right,
14:09
Speaker 1: So it is a skill set that most people don't
14:13
Speaker 1: want to take time to learn or want to take
14:16
Speaker 1: time to participate in because they want to get their
14:19
Speaker 1: point across. And that is an important part of the
14:23
Speaker 1: giver and the taker, because some people just want to
14:27
Speaker 1: take your time and spend your time. Your energy is currency.
14:33
Speaker 1: Your time is currency on their life, on their situation,
14:38
Speaker 1: on their reality, on what's happening. Now. Have you ever
14:42
Speaker 1: been around a person and I know we're talking about
14:44
Speaker 1: our own evaluation, this might be you think about if
14:49
Speaker 1: somebody is coming to you and all you can do
14:52
Speaker 1: is talk about what you got going on and not
14:55
Speaker 1: spend the time allowing that person to extract the things
14:59
Speaker 1: that they really want to get your help with, get
15:04
Speaker 1: you to help them understand so they can work through
15:08
Speaker 1: and walk through the situation. I just wanted to add
15:12
Speaker 1: that piece in there because I think it's important to
15:15
Speaker 1: recognize what role are we playing and when are we
15:18
Speaker 1: playing that role. Here's another mirror moment statement for you
15:25
Speaker 1: to complete. One way I can add more value to
15:30
Speaker 1: someone's life is I think this is probably one of
15:34
Speaker 1: the most important aspects and qualities of a giver, is
15:41
Speaker 1: the ability to add value. Again, when we think about
15:45
Speaker 1: giving a lot of times people think about tangible things.
15:49
Speaker 1: Value is intangible, and I want you to think about that.
15:53
Speaker 1: And then finally, this is the most important piece to
15:56
Speaker 1: self evaluate, right grading your own pain vapor moment here
16:02
Speaker 1: when people leave my presence, I want them to feel.
16:09
Speaker 1: What this does is that it anchors you into how
16:15
Speaker 1: you should be in people's presence, because if you're that
16:21
Speaker 1: way in their presence, they're gonna walk away feeling exactly
16:26
Speaker 1: the way that you intended, right. And I think a
16:28
Speaker 1: lot of times we don't intend to be the taker.
16:32
Speaker 1: We just are lifing or life is happening, and we
16:36
Speaker 1: go into the interaction, into the room, into the environment, whatever,
16:42
Speaker 1: and we just blow the whole thing up. Some people
16:45
Speaker 1: are really good at blowing up the scene right where
16:49
Speaker 1: blowing up the scene is what I mean. It becomes
16:51
Speaker 1: all about them, the only story, the only conversation is
16:55
Speaker 1: around the topics and the things that are interesting and
16:59
Speaker 1: of interesting to them. And you can tell when people
17:03
Speaker 1: are actively listening, or if they're listening to respond, or
17:07
Speaker 1: if they're not listening at all and they just want
17:10
Speaker 1: to get going, right. And so those are the key
17:14
Speaker 1: questions I want you to ask yourself and then finally,
17:18
Speaker 1: which as I mentioned, is probably one of the biggest
17:22
Speaker 1: pieces of being a giver, because I think it's important
17:27
Speaker 1: to want to aspire to be that and want to
17:30
Speaker 1: aspire to be practiced at that. And that's why we
17:34
Speaker 1: did that activity, so that you can recognize areas that
17:37
Speaker 1: you want to show up better for those around you,
17:40
Speaker 1: and ultimately you're showing up as a better version, a
17:43
Speaker 1: more enriched version of yourself. So these things are important
17:48
Speaker 1: as well. So again I want to qualify by saying
17:52
Speaker 1: being a giver is not just always saying yes. It's
17:54
Speaker 1: not being a rescue ranger and giving until you're dripped.
17:59
Speaker 1: You're where you are, you're empty, there's nothing left. I
18:03
Speaker 1: want you if you are sitting in the role of
18:06
Speaker 1: a giver, I want you to be a healthy giver.
18:09
Speaker 1: If you are not sitting in the role of a giver,
18:11
Speaker 1: I still want you to be a healthy giver because
18:14
Speaker 1: a healthy giver has boundaries and generosity together, and those
18:19
Speaker 1: things can coexist. Boundaries and generosity can coexist when you
18:25
Speaker 1: are a healthy giver. Again, the goal is not to
18:28
Speaker 1: give everything you have, to give the shirt off your
18:31
Speaker 1: back type of thing, right, It is to ensure that
18:35
Speaker 1: whatever you bring is meaningful to the people around you.
18:38
Speaker 1: For it to be meaningful, it would have to require
18:41
Speaker 1: that you would have been paying attention, active listener, that
18:45
Speaker 1: you would have to be intentional, right, so that you
18:49
Speaker 1: can make things meaningful for that person or for those
18:52
Speaker 1: persons in your life. So ultimately, what I want you
18:56
Speaker 1: to do is become someone who adds value. Be the
19:02
Speaker 1: person that adds value. Be the person that walks in
19:06
Speaker 1: the room and instantly the stock prices go up in
19:09
Speaker 1: that room because you enter the room. Not when you
19:14
Speaker 1: enter the room, everybody is down right, We've seen how
19:18
Speaker 1: the stock market crashes. You don't wanna be the person
19:21
Speaker 1: that enters the room and everything crashes, the energy crashes,
19:25
Speaker 1: the conversations crash, right. You wanna be the person that
19:29
Speaker 1: elevates the atmosphere when you walk into it, it changes
19:34
Speaker 1: everything for you. So here's the activity that value add
19:38
Speaker 1: activity that I want you to be challenged with. And
19:45
Speaker 1: I want you to do this for the next seven days, right, like,
19:48
Speaker 1: be intentional about adding value to someone's life every single day.
19:54
Speaker 1: And I know that might sound for those of you
19:57
Speaker 1: who aren't givers or healthy givers, which that's the goal.
20:02
Speaker 1: Healthy giving. It might sound daunting, but these are really
20:06
Speaker 1: simple things that you can do every day to be
20:11
Speaker 1: the person that adds value to someone's life every day.
20:17
Speaker 1: Number One, encouraging someone. That's probably the easiest thing to do.
20:25
Speaker 1: Everybody needs a bit of encouragement. It goes a very
20:30
Speaker 1: long way, a very long way. I know I am
20:35
Speaker 1: a generous giver in that place. One of the things
20:38
Speaker 1: that I do every day, I don't care what I've
20:41
Speaker 1: asked for, who I've asked of it. When people respond
20:46
Speaker 1: to me, especially when people are responding very quick like
20:52
Speaker 1: notifications at work, I'll let them know immediately I appreciate you.
20:57
Speaker 1: And I genuinely mean that, like I'm not just saying
21:00
Speaker 1: it to say it, Like when they have responded to me,
21:03
Speaker 1: especially when I've asked for something and they're able to deliver. Listen,
21:08
Speaker 1: I appreciate you. People's time is valuable and the fact
21:12
Speaker 1: that somebody took time out of their day ran a
21:15
Speaker 1: report for me, or ran something down for me, or
21:18
Speaker 1: provided me a resource, or the multitude of things that
21:21
Speaker 1: I'm asking people to do, and people ask me to
21:23
Speaker 1: do things too. But this isn't about me. This is
21:26
Speaker 1: about me tuning in to people's response to me, and
21:31
Speaker 1: encouraging them to be that way with other people, because
21:34
Speaker 1: I know not everybody does that for them, but I
21:37
Speaker 1: want them to know that the work you do, the
21:39
Speaker 1: things you do, the task you do, the things you
21:41
Speaker 1: tick off your list, the responses you make matter, you matter.
21:46
Speaker 1: Thank you, I appreciate you. Okay, those are I mean
21:52
Speaker 1: table stakes for me, simple for some not so simple. Okay,
22:00
Speaker 1: here's another one again. These are easy things that you
22:04
Speaker 1: can do in the next seven days. Listen without trying
22:09
Speaker 1: to fix. Okay, I'm gonna pause here. I need to
22:13
Speaker 1: work on that as a parent. Listen. When I'm listening,
22:18
Speaker 1: I'm trying to look for what's the out, what's the fix?
22:21
Speaker 1: What do I need to do? How do you need
22:22
Speaker 1: me show up? And a lot of times and my
22:25
Speaker 1: kids have stopped me and they said to me, I
22:27
Speaker 1: don't need you to fix this. I just need you
22:31
Speaker 1: to listen. And I've apologized for this. I'm gonna just
22:35
Speaker 1: add to this. Be a person who's willing to apologize,
22:40
Speaker 1: and I promise you you can. You can. You can
22:43
Speaker 1: talk to my husband. It took me a long time
22:47
Speaker 1: to get to this place of being apologetic without any
22:52
Speaker 1: strings attached or any butts right, Like we say all
22:56
Speaker 1: this stuff and that we have this, but we dress
22:59
Speaker 1: up this butt. I call it the dressed up but
23:03
Speaker 1: and it changes the whole conversation, narrative, the meaning of
23:07
Speaker 1: the conversation when you say but no, if you're gonna apologize,
23:14
Speaker 1: be upfront, be straight, and let the person know. So again, Ultimately,
23:21
Speaker 1: I want you to be able to listen to someone
23:25
Speaker 1: without trying to fix them. Here's how. Here's how my
23:30
Speaker 1: husband and I have talked about this because oftentimes he'll
23:34
Speaker 1: bring something to me and I'm trying to fix it
23:36
Speaker 1: and he's like, I really just need you to listen.
23:38
Speaker 1: So this this happens in adult conversations too. And I'll
23:44
Speaker 1: say to him if I if I want to say something,
23:47
Speaker 1: but I'll say, hey, I have some unsolicited advice because
23:52
Speaker 1: he didn't ask me for my advice. And he'll say,
23:56
Speaker 1: I accept you're on solicited advice. I'll hear it, or
24:00
Speaker 1: and so I have to be willing to be told
24:03
Speaker 1: that I'm not interested in your unsolicited advice or I'm
24:07
Speaker 1: willing to hear it. The point being is listening, because
24:12
Speaker 1: if you're getting unsolicited advice, that means you're trying to
24:16
Speaker 1: respond or get something out when they really just want
24:20
Speaker 1: a listening hear. Sharing a resource is an easy one.
24:25
Speaker 1: I mean, people do that all the time, but oftentimes
24:29
Speaker 1: we're sharing resources after we've been asked. You can share
24:32
Speaker 1: a resource, a quote. It can be a resource, right,
24:36
Speaker 1: a place that you think would be a great place
24:38
Speaker 1: this person would be interested in. There's so many resources, people,
24:42
Speaker 1: resources that you can share. Celebrating someone's win, Oh my gosh,
24:47
Speaker 1: this is like the easiest thing in the world to do.
24:50
Speaker 1: They've already done the hard part. They've won, They've done
24:55
Speaker 1: something that requires just for them to recognized and celebrated
25:01
Speaker 1: for what they've already done. Easy stuff, But we miss
25:05
Speaker 1: it a lot of times. Don't miss it this time.
25:08
Speaker 1: Don't checking in on someone. Listen. People say check in
25:14
Speaker 1: on your strong friends. I said, check in on your friends.
25:18
Speaker 1: People need to hear from you. People need to know
25:21
Speaker 1: that you matter in their life, that you matter, period,
25:26
Speaker 1: right and checking in on someone, man, I tell you
25:29
Speaker 1: what it goes so far. As a matter of fact,
25:32
Speaker 1: while I've been on this, you know, building this episode,
25:35
Speaker 1: somebody reached I saw someone was trying to reach out
25:38
Speaker 1: to me, and they told me. They said, Hey, about
25:42
Speaker 1: this thing that we were talking about. I want to
25:44
Speaker 1: make sure that you follow through what you said you
25:47
Speaker 1: were gonna do. I'm gonna call you later, and they did.
25:50
Speaker 1: That's big, that's huge, that matters. That's a person that
25:54
Speaker 1: has no hidden agenda. Their agenda was to seek me out,
26:00
Speaker 1: to follow up with me, to make sure I was good.
26:02
Speaker 1: Be that person. That's what I'm asking you to do,
26:06
Speaker 1: and ultimately given your undivided attention. And I know we
26:09
Speaker 1: live in a world where we're busy and there's always
26:12
Speaker 1: a lot going on and a lot of things demand
26:13
Speaker 1: our attention. But when you're in someone's presence, put your
26:17
Speaker 1: phone down. When you're in someone's presence, give them eye contact.
26:22
Speaker 1: When you're in someone's presence, it's not just your eyes,
26:25
Speaker 1: it's your body language. People can tell when you're not
26:28
Speaker 1: there and when you're there. And so those are some
26:31
Speaker 1: of the things, like I said, really easy things you
26:35
Speaker 1: can do at the end of each day, at the
26:36
Speaker 1: start of each day, each and every day, to ask
26:41
Speaker 1: yourself the question at the end of the day, what
26:45
Speaker 1: did I add today? What value did I add today?
26:53
Speaker 1: The goal of this conversation, the goal of this episode
26:56
Speaker 1: isn't to become the person who gives the most. Your
27:01
Speaker 1: goal is to become the person who consistently adds value
27:09
Speaker 1: without losing yourself in the process. Do people breathe easier
27:17
Speaker 1: when they are around you. It's a good question to
27:22
Speaker 1: ask yourself.