Latest / LIFE Podcast with Dr. C / Why Your Friends Are Key to a Longer Life

Transcript

Why Your Friends Are Key to a Longer Life · LIFE Podcast with Dr. C

• 0:02
  Dr C: Hola, and welcome back to the Life Podcast where we explore how to learn, inspire, flourish, and evolve into our best, most authentic selves.
• 0:09
  Dr C: I'm your host, Dr.
• 0:10
  Dr C: Steve, and today we're talking about emotional and social wellness.
• 0:14
  Dr C: I want you to think about a question.
• 0:16
  Dr C: Who do you call at 3 a.m.?
• 0:19
  Dr C: Not just when things something is wrong, but when something is amazing.
• 0:23
  Dr C: Who in your life has seen you at your worst and still celebrates you at your best?
• 0:28
  Dr C: In our hyper-connected, digitally saturated world, many of us are feeling profoundly disconnected.
• 0:35
  Dr C: The Surgeon General has even declared loneliness a public health epidemic, citing research that chronic loneliness can be detrimental to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
• 0:46
  Dr C: But today, today, we're talking about the antidote.
• 0:49
  Dr C: We're exploring the profound wellness benefits of a strong, lifelong social network.
• 0:54
  Dr C: And I'm not just talking about theory.
• 0:56
  Dr C: I have brought on three incredible graphs who are living the living embodiment of this principle.
• 1:02
  Dr C: Today, we're joined by Sean Blinkenship, Joe Gorley, and Shay Jansen.
• 1:07
  Dr C: These three men are accomplished professionals, husbands, and fathers.
• 1:12
  Dr C: But they are also brothers.
• 1:15
  Dr C: They formed their bond over 35 years ago at the University of Dayton as they were becoming members of the Gamma Theta chapter of Alpha by Alpha Fraternity Incorporated.
• 1:26
  Dr C: And today they're going to share what it takes to build a brotherhood that lasts of like a lifetime.
• 1:32
  Dr C: Sean, Joe, and Shay, welcome to the Life Podcast.
• 1:36
  Dr C: Thank you, Doc Lady.
• 1:37
  Dr C: Thanks for having us.
• 1:38
  Dr C: Yes, you're welcome.
• 1:40
  Dr C: So 35 years of friendship is an incredible milestone.
• 1:45
  Dr C: So let's set the stage for our listeners.
• 1:47
  Dr C: And Shay, I'll start with you.
• 1:49
  Dr C: How would you describe the feeling of this brotherhood in one word or one phrase?
• 1:54
  Che Jansen: One word is tough, but I would say in in probably the most boring fashion possible, unique.
• 2:03
  Che Jansen: And when I say unique, it's because it's, you know, probably not the most descriptive word, but we understand that we share something that not everybody has, right?
• 2:14
  Che Jansen: We've talked about it at length, about the fact that, you know, there are other people in our same or similar situation, fraternity brothers, but they don't necessarily have what it is that we've cultivated over more than three decades, which is an everyday type of relationship that we benefit from on a daily basis.
• 2:38
  Che Jansen: And so that's what I believe we find to be unique.
• 2:41
  Che Jansen: And I know just in our you know, our conversation prior to this, that we'll get into some of the details of why that is, but we certainly cultivate it.
• 2:49
  Che Jansen: We understand that it's something we need to feed.
• 2:52
  Che Jansen: Uh, and so we've developed it uh over the years.
• 2:55
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 2:55
  Dr C: So that's the intentionality of making sure that you're building as you go.
• 2:59
  Dr C: So Joe and Sean, what what what do you think about what Shay just described?
• 3:03
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, I I think to build upon cultivation and intentionality is exactly the right word.
• 3:08
  Shawn Blankenship: There's also a lot of the word that comes to mind is accountability.
• 3:10
  Shawn Blankenship: And we look at each other not only just as black men, we look at each other as fathers, you know, uh husbands, you name it.
• 3:21
  Shawn Blankenship: And with that is accountability.
• 3:23
  Shawn Blankenship: So I we talk family.
• 3:24
  Shawn Blankenship: This is family.
• 3:25
  Shawn Blankenship: It's like you feel you're accountable to your parents, your your siblings, whatever it may be.
• 3:29
  Shawn Blankenship: I'm accountable to Shane and Joe as well.
• 3:31
  Shawn Blankenship: And so I that's always the back of my mind.
• 3:33
  Shawn Blankenship: With the actions, with these two look at me and say, damn, why are you doing that?
• 3:37
  Dr C: Yes.
• 3:37
  Dr C: Joe, what do you think about that?
• 3:39
  Joe Gorley: You know, when I think about these brothers, and I do call them brothers in the realistic portion of it, is you know, we've grown together.
• 3:45
  Joe Gorley: We don't it's just nurture a relationship that we had in college.
• 3:48
  Joe Gorley: Our relationship has grown.
• 3:49
  Joe Gorley: So I know Sean's daughter, I know Shay's family, and and we spent time to this family.
• 3:54
  Joe Gorley: And I think that's important.
• 3:55
  Joe Gorley: A relationship can't stay stagnant, it can't be 1990 again forever, right?
• 4:00
  Joe Gorley: Where are we now?
• 4:01
  Joe Gorley: And I think that accountability has to do with it.
• 4:03
  Joe Gorley: Yeah, I think it's also respectability, just enjoying being around each other, I think, is very critical.
• 4:08
  Dr C: I love that.
• 4:08
  Dr C: I love that.
• 4:09
  Dr C: And so we all face intense stress, right?
• 4:12
  Dr C: So we know that no matter what you do, there are going to be challenges in life, whether it's from our career, our families, or just life life.
• 4:19
  Dr C: So, Sean, can you share a specific time where knowing this brotherhood had your back directly lowered your stress or helped you through a major life challenge?
• 4:30
  Shawn Blankenship: Oh yeah.
• 4:30
  Shawn Blankenship: Joe Silavino's my daughter, like, you know, in the traditional sense of the word, I I uh have a child at the time, I have a lot, right?
• 4:40
  Shawn Blankenship: Uh, and it wasn't necessarily planned, per se, right?
• 4:43
  Shawn Blankenship: And as I look at that in that situation, you know, there's a level of disappointment.
• 4:48
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, you feel it because it wasn't planned.
• 4:50
  Shawn Blankenship: And how do I go with my parents and talked about it?
• 4:52
  Shawn Blankenship: These two were were a sound on the board for me before my parents knew I had a baby on the way they knew, because I had, you know, we may depend on how far the conversation was, we may talk about our different roles in this relationship, this friendship, and we we all have different roles in this friendship.
• 5:09
  Shawn Blankenship: And Shay's like the mature one.
• 5:11
  Shawn Blankenship: So I was like, I gotta go to this guy.
• 5:13
  Shawn Blankenship: Shea's, you know, whatever age he was at that time, 30, but the maturity of a 50-year-old.
• 5:19
  Shawn Blankenship: So I think he helps me set the stage in my concerns, my my fears, and says, Well, at the end of the day, Joe says, You got me accountable.
• 5:27
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, so that made me feel like it's gonna be okay, you know.
• 5:32
  Shawn Blankenship: My parents are gonna love me any less.
• 5:34
  Shawn Blankenship: I'm not a bad person for making a decision or something happened to like that happened to me.
• 5:38
  Shawn Blankenship: It gave me the confidence to go be the best father I can be.
• 5:41
  Dr C: Wow, that's amazing.
• 5:43
  Dr C: Accountability through love, right?
• 5:46
  Shawn Blankenship: Through love.
• 5:46
  Shawn Blankenship: It's never a judgment zone with us.
• 5:48
  Shawn Blankenship: Like I don't I'll never look to Joe and judge him for something or shade and judge, and I don't think they've ever looked at me that way.
• 5:53
  Shawn Blankenship: And we or maybe little things.
• 5:58
  Che Jansen: Yeah, we'll talk for a bad choice on that shirt.
• 6:02
  Dr C: You gotta hold people accountable for a bad shirt.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, look at yeah, statements.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: We'll talk later.
• 6:09
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah, it's and even when you do get critical love from us, it comes from a place of love, it's not of wanting to make you feel better to put you down.
• 6:17
  Shawn Blankenship: So when you get that trust and confidence, it gives you the courage to feel like it's gonna be okay.
• 6:21
  Shawn Blankenship: So these guys are doing that for me.
• 6:23
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah, that's a strong support system.
• 6:26
  Dr C: Yeah, for sure.
• 6:26
  Dr C: And so they've known your daughter Shannon for for since she was born, right?
• 6:30
  Dr C: Or in the belly, as they say.
• 6:31
  Dr C: Yeah, in the belly.
• 6:32
  Shawn Blankenship: That was the first one of us that had kids.
• 6:33
  Shawn Blankenship: So yeah.
• 6:34
  Shawn Blankenship: Wow, wow.
• 6:35
  Dr C: And then were you at the hospital?
• 6:36
  Dr C: I mean, like, how did how when Shannon was born?
• 6:39
  Dr C: How did you, Joe, and and Shay kind of uh experience that with Sean?
• 6:44
  Dr C: I thought I had the greatest Sean story ever.
• 6:47
  Joe Gorley: Tell me.
• 6:47
  Joe Gorley: So we came, me and my wife, we came to see Sean and meet Shannon, right?
• 6:52
  Joe Gorley: And Shannon was in the uh a high chair, that's what you call it, eating.
• 6:57
  Joe Gorley: And so she's eating and she has all the stuff on her shirt.
• 7:00
  Joe Gorley: So, like the good dad does, instead of the wife with the shirt, I mean she took her shirt off.
• 7:06
  Dr C: Right, just take the shirt off.
• 7:09
  Joe Gorley: So that's what I remember the most.
• 7:11
  Joe Gorley: You know, today I still I look at the woman that Shannon become father that Sean is and all his thing.
• 7:16
  Joe Gorley: I I snit her at that.
• 7:17
  Joe Gorley: It just shows you how uh how men handle men's stuff.
• 7:20
  Joe Gorley: Right.
• 7:22
  Dr C: And and Shannon is an amazing young woman.
• 7:24
  Dr C: And so great job with her.
• 7:26
  Dr C: And I know that Shay and Joe, she she sees them as their uncles, and she talks very highly about her relationship with Shay and Joe.
• 7:34
  Dr C: And the relationship that the three of you have has also impacted her.
• 7:38
  Dr C: I'm not speaking for her, I could just conversation that me and her have had, it's impacted her positively, right?
• 7:44
  Dr C: And so that's always great to see.
• 7:45
  Che Jansen: Yeah, it's exposed her to a level of crazy that I'm sure it needs to be your three.
• 7:53
  Dr C: Everybody needs that in their little bit younger.
• 7:58
  Dr C: So, Joe, you mentioned earlier that you can't stay in 1990, right?
• 8:04
  Dr C: You can't be a 19, 20-year-old forever.
• 8:06
  Dr C: So I'm curious how the support has changed and the challenges of a 20-year-old is totally different than the challenges of a 50-year-old.
• 8:14
  Dr C: Right?
• 8:14
  Dr C: So, how has the way you support each other's well-being evolved over, you know, since your college days?
• 8:22
  Dr C: Gotcha.
• 8:22
  Joe Gorley: That's a great question.
• 8:23
  Joe Gorley: And I think part of it is we don't like to see each other every day, uh, but we always know when to call.
• 8:27
  Joe Gorley: I don't know what that is, kind of mystical about that.
• 8:29
  Joe Gorley: You always get a call and I need that.
• 8:31
  Joe Gorley: And I think it starts with respect, right?
• 8:33
  Joe Gorley: And when you have someone that you respect immensely, you love that crook out of me.
• 8:38
  Joe Gorley: You want it, right?
• 8:39
  Joe Gorley: I want to, I want to make these guys proud.
• 8:40
  Joe Gorley: And so as we've got older, I use these guys as sounding boards, and not just, you know, uh politics and those types of things, but you know, fan things and this man stuff and you know how you're feeling, and that we're not afraid to talk about those feelings and things.
• 8:54
  Joe Gorley: So I guess it changed from basically having fun to not gonna be around each other playing sports or those types of things, to really being a support network about the holistic self, our entire self, right?
• 9:04
  Joe Gorley: And if if you don't share your entire soap with somebody, you're not gonna get somebody's entire soul back.
• 9:09
  Joe Gorley: So if you really want that type of intimacy, I guess if you will, in regards to friendship, project, brotherhood, you're gonna have to share it and get.
• 9:17
  Joe Gorley: And I think that's important.
• 9:18
  Dr C: That is important.
• 9:19
  Dr C: Can I build another one?
• 9:20
  Shawn Blankenship: Absolutely.
• 9:20
  Shawn Blankenship: Then I'm gonna give you a specific example that you know where I'm probably going with this joke.
• 9:24
  Shawn Blankenship: I was I it's crazy.
• 9:27
  Shawn Blankenship: Joe is of the three of us, has been the biggest proponent of men's health.
• 9:32
  Shawn Blankenship: Joe is of the three of us.
• 9:34
  Shawn Blankenship: Like, I tend to, and I don't want to stare that, don't be talking shit about this, but we tend to have aches and pains with one off.
• 9:40
  Shawn Blankenship: Joe was on, like, his men's health, all those things.
• 9:43
  Shawn Blankenship: And he and I had a conversation one day, and the accountability, I keep starting back to that work.
• 9:47
  Shawn Blankenship: We had a conversation, and you're on board, right?
• 9:50
  Shawn Blankenship: And he was like, he was talking about his phone out.
• 9:52
  Shawn Blankenship: I said, Oh man, I'm not trying to do all that, blah blah blah blah, whatever.
• 9:56
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah, you were saying, Sean, uh huh.
• 9:58
  Shawn Blankenship: He said, You owe it to yourself, your daughter, your family.
• 10:01
  Shawn Blankenship: It's what men do.
• 10:02
  Shawn Blankenship: Oh he told me it's counting, and it's so funny.
• 10:05
  Shawn Blankenship: After I got done having it, my mind tell me first person I call, didn't call my mom, you didn't call Shan, I called Joe.
• 10:12
  Shawn Blankenship: I was so friggin' proud.
• 10:14
  Shawn Blankenship: I said, Joe, I got no phone asking me.
• 10:16
  Shawn Blankenship: Wow.
• 10:16
  Shawn Blankenship: He was so proud of me.
• 10:17
  Shawn Blankenship: I was super happy.
• 10:18
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah, yeah, it was.
• 10:18
  Shawn Blankenship: I won't go to a funeral, right?
• 10:22
  Dr C: You're right, you're right, absolutely.
• 10:23
  Che Jansen: I I echo that a thousand percent, and I think that when you respect people, and we definitely respect one another, it allows you to see that you don't have to, I don't have to live through something firsthand in order to learn from it.
• 10:40
  Che Jansen: I'm definitely gonna take Joe's knowledge because I respect him so much.
• 10:44
  Che Jansen: I'm gonna take Sean's experiences and knowledge, and I'm gonna incorporate that into the way that I live.
• 10:49
  Che Jansen: So, you know, Joe uh called me one day, as Joe calls.
• 10:54
  Che Jansen: We'll talk about that.
• 10:55
  Che Jansen: What you doing, Joe?
• 10:58
  Che Jansen: I'm out here walking.
• 10:59
  Che Jansen: You know you gotta walk, right?
• 11:02
  Dr C: You gotta walk, man.
• 11:04
  Dr C: That's right.
• 11:05
  Che Jansen: Now, it may have been 10 o'clock at night.
• 11:07
  Dr C: Joe walks a lot of times.
• 11:12
  Che Jansen: But you know, so I have in and not to the level that he does, but I've incorporated that into my game.
• 11:18
  Che Jansen: Like, okay, you know, he's right.
• 11:20
  Che Jansen: And I can make time.
• 11:21
  Che Jansen: I mean, the something that Joe is really good at is saying, I'm gonna do something, and then making, setting aside the time to do it.
• 11:29
  Che Jansen: And I so I think I I believe we all listen to one another, hear what is going on, and and like, okay, how can I learn from that?
• 11:38
  Che Jansen: How can I improve myself based on you know what my brother is doing because it's making an improvement in his life?
• 11:45
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 11:45
  Dr C: So it's like birds of a feather flock together, right?
• 11:48
  Dr C: I think growing up, it's your parents telling you, you become who you hang out with, right?
• 11:54
  Dr C: And so I I see We talked about that last night.
• 11:57
  Dr C: You had this conversation last night.
• 11:59
  Dr C: Interesting.
• 11:59
  Dr C: So you become who you, you know, your environment is very important, and who you bring into that environment is very important as well.
• 12:07
  Dr C: So what I'm seeing is this level of accountability that comes out of love, that comes out of you all being vulnerable and transparent enough to say, I trust you, and I'm gonna trust you with everything that I have, everything that I am, so that you can then continue to pour into me.
• 12:24
  Dr C: And and I every time I've been around the three of you, I've always felt a sense of authenticity, serious, serious love, and accountability to like the highest power, right?
• 12:36
  Dr C: And and that's always been very, it's always left an impression on me.
• 12:40
  Dr C: And me and Rod always talk about it when we leave.
• 12:42
  Dr C: I'm like, man, they're they're some crazy guys, fun, you know, but I love the brotherhood.
• 12:47
  Dr C: I love the authenticity that you all share with each other.
• 12:51
  Dr C: Can I make a comment about that?
• 12:52
  Dr C: Absolutely.
• 12:54
  Che Jansen: And I apologize for cutting you off before your question, but when you describe to us what the health benefit that you wanted to get from this conversation, something that struck me is that authenticity, right?
• 13:08
  Che Jansen: You cannot receive the benefit of friendship if you're hiding something, if you're not being your true self.
• 13:17
  Che Jansen: I would say the one thing that has sustained us for, you know, we have been friends close to 30 or close to 40 years in total now, is that we come to the party as us.
• 13:30
  Che Jansen: You know.
• 13:36
  Dr C: It's not coming.
• 13:43
  Che Jansen: But what's great is that we, you know, we don't have to dress up.
• 13:47
  Che Jansen: We don't have to put anything on.
• 13:50
  Che Jansen: Whenever we talk, whenever we share it, if something's hurting, we let them know it's hurting.
• 13:56
  Che Jansen: If we're not happy about something, we let them know that.
• 14:00
  Che Jansen: If if something hasn't gone right, you know, we've we've gone through job losses, businesses not going right, all that stuff.
• 14:11
  Che Jansen: But I know I could just say it.
• 14:13
  Che Jansen: You know, why why hide it?
• 14:16
  Che Jansen: And they're gonna not only accept whatever it is for what it is, but they're gonna try and do their best to help me with it.
• 14:25
  Che Jansen: And I think we all feel that way.
• 14:28
  Dr C: We'll see.
• 14:28
  Che Jansen: Yeah, we'll see.
• 14:30
  Dr C: Okay, great.
• 14:31
  Dr C: Thank you for that.
• 14:32
  Dr C: So beyond the obvious support during a crisis, I'm curious to know what's a hidden wellness benefit you get from this bond?
• 14:40
  Dr C: So let's start with you, Shay.
• 14:41
  Dr C: I know you you started talking about that, but is there a tangible wellness benefit that you get from your brothers from being in these relationships?
• 14:51
  Che Jansen: Well, the obvious one for me is joy.
• 14:53
  Che Jansen: So invariably, we laugh a lot.
• 14:58
  Che Jansen: Hopefully, it will come through in this podcast.
• 15:01
  Che Jansen: Um we love to laugh and have a good time.
• 15:04
  Che Jansen: So very few conversations that are I don't want to say serious, because we have serious uh discussions, but we treat things with humor.
• 15:16
  Che Jansen: I think that is our love language among each other.
• 15:19
  Che Jansen: You know, whether it is the colonoscopy thing or somebody's having a health issue.
• 15:24
  Che Jansen: I was just telling you before we started about me having back pain uh and going for a massage, and it becomes a comedy routine.
• 15:31
  Che Jansen: Sean is doing his best not to crack it.
• 15:35
  Che Jansen: But uh, but that's how we roll.
• 15:40
  Che Jansen: It is, you know, we laugh, joke calls, and if I'm in the car with my son, my son starts cracking up because he knows something funny is about and and I love that, you know.
• 15:56
  Che Jansen: If nothing else, sometimes, you know, I I wonder, could I what would life be without Sean John?
• 16:05
  Che Jansen: Like if I'm the one that lives outside of the city of Cleveland, so I don't get to see them as often as they might see each other, but we talk all the time.
• 16:14
  Che Jansen: But the one thing that I I need is that levity that they bring to my life and to every situation.
• 16:23
  Che Jansen: I know if if something's heavy, all I gotta do is get on the phone with them, and soon I'm gonna be laughing about it.
• 16:28
  Dr C: Wow, that's amazing.
• 16:29
  Dr C: That laughter is the best medicine, right?
• 16:32
  Dr C: So, Joe, what are your thoughts on your hidden benefit, wellness benefit that you get out of this relationship?
• 16:38
  Joe Gorley: That's a good question.
• 16:38
  Joe Gorley: I and I was trying to change for your chicken because he's older.
• 16:42
  Joe Gorley: And I was like, Works that I use some fancy words and whatever.
• 16:46
  Joe Gorley: But what I what I think about is at the end of it, like when I wake up on Monday and I'm gonna go to work and do the professional joke, I'm refreshed.
• 16:55
  Joe Gorley: For lack of a better word.
• 16:56
  Joe Gorley: Feels like I just, you know, it's like refreshed.
• 16:58
  Joe Gorley: It's like if I don't sound like part of your medicine routine.
• 17:01
  Joe Gorley: Like every now and then we meet this kind of de-stressor and Mr.
• 17:05
  Joe Gorley: Fun and the unabridged conversations and those types of things.
• 17:09
  Joe Gorley: So to me, it it's like a refresher.
• 17:11
  Joe Gorley: It's like a little uh hospice almost like you can get away, relax a little bit and I can go back to the room.
• 17:17
  Dr C: Wow.
• 17:17
  Dr C: So you're re-energized every time you're with your brothers.
• 17:22
  Joe Gorley: Rededicated, actually.
• 17:23
  Joe Gorley: A lot of uh other things that happen that Monday.
• 17:26
  Joe Gorley: It's like, you know what?
• 17:27
  Joe Gorley: They're doing good, I gotta do better.
• 17:28
  Joe Gorley: Cool.
• 17:28
  Joe Gorley: Have fun, you know, but hey, this is what I want to do.
• 17:31
  Joe Gorley: And they talk about a retirement plan.
• 17:32
  Joe Gorley: Let's say my retirement plan.
• 17:34
  Joe Gorley: It's not just a competition thing, but again, it's that accountability to the point of at the end of it, I I can imagine us, you know, 10 years from now being retired, still doing the same type of things.
• 17:44
  Joe Gorley: And yeah, and then you can step that game up a little bit, hopefully.
• 17:47
  Joe Gorley: So those are the I just the re-energy is really key for me.
• 17:51
  Dr C: I love that.
• 17:52
  Dr C: What about you, Sean?
• 17:54
  Shawn Blankenship: Comfort.
• 17:55
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, it's it's maybe a man thing.
• 17:58
  Shawn Blankenship: I'll be a little bit more specific to say a black male thing.
• 18:01
  Shawn Blankenship: The weight of the world is on your shoulders, and sometimes men internalize and distress at the point of the podcast.
• 18:09
  Shawn Blankenship: When you have folks that you can talk to, and you know, especially guys, I know we have you know significant others in our lives, our wives, whatever, they they they get are still support, right?
• 18:19
  Shawn Blankenship: And it can be the the the shoulder.
• 18:21
  Shawn Blankenship: But sometimes those man things and sometimes you're afraid to talk to a man about it.
• 18:25
  Shawn Blankenship: And when you have two guys that you can talk to, and it's like again, zone, I can be comfortable, I can be vulnerable, and and really turning you struggle with the weak, you know, quote unquote, and you know there's gonna be no bullback.
• 18:39
  Shawn Blankenship: Oh man, this guy's on oh man, you got shot, Jesus Christ.
• 18:42
  Shawn Blankenship: What's up?
• 18:43
  Shawn Blankenship: No, I love you.
• 18:44
  Shawn Blankenship: This is what you should do.
• 18:45
  Shawn Blankenship: And this stuff Joe just talked about, like that comfort of like I'm good.
• 18:49
  Shawn Blankenship: I can I almost recalibrate a little bit and I can't do it because not only are we beholden to ourselves, but not almost crazy old guys.
• 18:57
  Shawn Blankenship: Uh but we have the younger generation.
• 18:59
  Shawn Blankenship: How do we help them?
• 19:00
  Shawn Blankenship: So as we go to form our relationships, then we start trying to teach the younger folks coming behind us, be our cousins, our sons, our nephews, close friends, whatever.
• 19:09
  Shawn Blankenship: Like a lot of us mentor young men, young black men.
• 19:12
  Shawn Blankenship: We get to be the model for them and the comfort that I can continue to do in with these folks and be vulnerable, and then they accept me for who I am, and vice versa, gives me the energy to keep going, A, and then B, you know, share that with the folks who behind.
• 19:27
  Dr C: Wow.
• 19:28
  Dr C: I and I didn't even think about each one's each one, right?
• 19:31
  Dr C: How how this brotherhood and how your relationship and and all the benefits of it, how it can really be an example to younger individuals and how they form relationships and how intentional they are when they're choosing their social network, right?
• 19:49
  Dr C: Choosing their brothers or choosing their support network.
• 19:52
  Dr C: So we know friendships fade, and and Shay, you kind of touched on this.
• 19:58
  Dr C: And it's one of life's hard truths.
• 20:00
  Dr C: We know that people get busy, they move away, they drift, life, life, life is lifing, and by the time you know it, six months have passed, or maybe a year.
• 20:09
  Dr C: So you three have actively prevented that over the last three decades, right?
• 20:14
  Dr C: Show uh, sorry, Joe and Sean, you both live in the same city, as you said, Shay, and and you don't.
• 20:21
  Dr C: So, Shay, what are the practical, intentional things you do to maintain this connection?
• 20:26
  Dr C: What's the glue?
• 20:29
  Che Jansen: Short answer to the glue is Joe.
• 20:31
  Che Jansen: Oh, okay.
• 20:32
  Che Jansen: Because Joe is always, you know, Joe's not gonna let but so much time go by before you're gonna get a call.
• 20:39
  Che Jansen: Okay.
• 20:39
  Che Jansen: And and and then his Joe voice.
• 20:41
  Che Jansen: Hey, what's the but the other thing is that the three of us together, you know, we at when we were in our 20s, we didn't really keep score, but at some point we said, you know, we've gotten together at least once a year, every year since we've known each other.
• 21:00
  Dr C: That was intentional or not intentional?
• 21:02
  Che Jansen: Before you Well, before we came to before we had that discussion, it wasn't intentional.
• 21:06
  Che Jansen: Just, you know, we somehow just made sure we had that connection.
• 21:10
  Che Jansen: Since that time, we've definitely made sure at some point we're gonna see each other.
• 21:17
  Che Jansen: And then as life has gone on and we've had families and stuff, you know, there's stuff for the kids that happens.
• 21:25
  Che Jansen: Hey, gotta be there.
• 21:26
  Che Jansen: You know, we make sure that we're intentional about hitting those milestones with one another.
• 21:32
  Che Jansen: You know, one of the great things about our relationship is that so I have two sons, each of them has one daughter.
• 21:42
  Che Jansen: My oldest son happens to be Sean's daughter's age, my younger son happens to be Joe's daughter's age.
• 21:49
  Che Jansen: Oh wow.
• 21:50
  Che Jansen: And they have their own separate relationships.
• 21:53
  Dr C: They grew up like cousins, right?
• 21:54
  Dr C: Because I I hear I hear Shannon saying my cousins, I hear, you know, so exactly.
• 21:59
  Che Jansen: And so, you know, my son's birthday is tomorrow, but he's having his his 16th birthday party in a couple weeks.
• 22:05
  Che Jansen: Joe's daughter will be there.
• 22:07
  Che Jansen: Um and you know, just a week or so ago, Shannon was traveling, Sean's daughter was traveling for work uh and was in the city where my son currently lives.
• 22:17
  Che Jansen: And we both asked them to take pictures each other, and neither one of them sent pictures.
• 22:22
  Che Jansen: But they do their own thing, and that's an amazing legacy.
• 22:27
  Che Jansen: I love it.
• 22:28
  Che Jansen: And but to answer your question succinctly, it's connection.
• 22:32
  Che Jansen: You you you must be intentional about that connection.
• 22:36
  Che Jansen: Like you said, if you're not intentional, then time goes by and you're like, wow, you know, I haven't seen such and such in so long.
• 22:43
  Che Jansen: But in order to get those health benefits of relationship, I believe there has to be frequency.
• 22:51
  Che Jansen: Right?
• 22:52
  Che Jansen: You know, you you can't take medicine once every other year and expect it to look things up easy.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:59
  Che Jansen: You know, you gotta you gotta, you know, invest that time to get the benefit.
• 23:04
  Dr C: Yeah, yeah.
• 23:05
  Dr C: Wow.
• 23:06
  Dr C: So let's move into navigating conflict because there's no perfect bond, right?
• 23:11
  Dr C: And healthy relationships require navigating conflicts.
• 23:14
  Dr C: So, Sean, can you share a time or a general rule how you handle disagreements or hold each other accountable?
• 23:23
  Shawn Blankenship: Hmm.
• 23:24
  Shawn Blankenship: I think, you know, in all transparency, we've never had a knockdown like rides was upset either, right?
• 23:32
  Shawn Blankenship: We'll have a role of little things.
• 23:34
  Shawn Blankenship: But what I do think to answer the question would be that anything I ever would agree disagree with them or give them feedback on, they know that it comes from a place of love and concern and honesty.
• 23:51
  Shawn Blankenship: It's not from a place of any hidden agendas, it's uh we're pretty direct, like you know, like any direct but with love.
• 24:01
  Shawn Blankenship: Like, you know, Shay's I going back, we all have like we have about the glue in the previous question.
• 24:06
  Shawn Blankenship: Joe is the glue.
• 24:07
  Shawn Blankenship: And I as I mentioned I kind of hinted earlier, we all have roles, and like Shay's like the sage.
• 24:12
  Shawn Blankenship: I I you know, I think we kind of go to Shay because he just uh me and Joe will tend to be a little more, a little more silly, a little more sophomore.
• 24:20
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah, we're an album energy guy, he's the glue, he he's the the he's the voice for reason.
• 24:27
  Shawn Blankenship: And to go to him and get feedback and and he's always comes from a good place.
• 24:34
  Shawn Blankenship: And when I it's not just feedback, because I it can be something if if I'm you know frustrated with you know, we don't get frustrated with each other because again, we don't probably go, we're not in each other's lives enough to be on each other's nerves.
• 24:46
  Shawn Blankenship: So it's more about the ideology because over the course of our 30 plus years together, have we had some things, of course, we have brought you right and beat Joe up and Tim on his way.
• 24:58
  Dr C: Um Joe the glue who gets beat up.
• 25:04
  Dr C: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:06
  Shawn Blankenship: Um when it comes down to giving that feedback, it is always from a place of because I love you and I care about you.
• 25:16
  Shawn Blankenship: It's never of you're wrong, you're bad, it's how you're it's impacting me.
• 25:22
  Shawn Blankenship: And I'm doing this because I love you.
• 25:24
  Shawn Blankenship: And you know, I think because I it goes back to that kind of building, I keep it's gonna be a concurrent theme in this podcast, right?
• 25:30
  Shawn Blankenship: I'm afraid to let them down.
• 25:31
  Shawn Blankenship: So shit, shit to be pissed at me.
• 25:33
  Shawn Blankenship: I don't.
• 25:33
  Shawn Blankenship: I'll feel bad.
• 25:35
  Shawn Blankenship: Or if Joe's mad at me, like Joe and I talk a lot, like Joe, he and I, Joe takes these damn 11 p.m.
• 25:40
  Shawn Blankenship: walks uh to his neighborhood, and he'll call you.
• 25:43
  Shawn Blankenship: And it's like if he's taking the time to do that, he lets him down.
• 25:47
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah.
• 25:47
  Shawn Blankenship: So I avoid conflict by trying to make sure I'm super accountable to him.
• 25:52
  Shawn Blankenship: But if there is one, it just comes from a place of love.
• 25:55
  Shawn Blankenship: You just say, listen, this is unacceptable.
• 25:57
  Shawn Blankenship: You're better than this.
• 25:58
  Shawn Blankenship: We have a brand that has Zagawa, our line name, as Gamma Theta, our chapter name, and as Myth, our last name.
• 26:06
  Dr C: Thank you for that.
• 26:07
  Joe Gorley: Yeah, I yeah, I was thinking about that, reflecting here, because it sounds kind of whack and authentic.
• 26:13
  Joe Gorley: Right.
• 26:14
  Joe Gorley: But I don't think you've ever had a drawn out, I'm not talking to you out of anger, thing.
• 26:19
  Joe Gorley: Which is odd.
• 26:20
  Joe Gorley: I know it's odd, and it sounds like you know, not authentic, but I'm trying to reflect on it because I think I owe you the the authenticity here.
• 26:28
  Joe Gorley: I can't I can't remember it.
• 26:30
  Joe Gorley: That's been frustrations and we'll have a a knop-out debate about the Browns or you know, we'll do all that stuff and we'll we'll talk politics and and those types of things.
• 26:41
  Joe Gorley: But it's um it's can be passionate, but I've never gone away and say, man, that I don't that guy that made me feel bad or I just I just never had that.
• 26:48
  Joe Gorley: Yeah I don't know.
• 26:49
  Joe Gorley: I think that is unique, but I've never not talked to these guys intentions because I was mad.
• 26:53
  Joe Gorley: I just can't, I just I just haven't had it just haven't happened.
• 26:57
  Dr C: So I wonder if that storming, right, happened when you guys were in maybe in college, maybe during your your process, and then after you uh entered Alpha Phi Alpha, I wonder if that was already kind of done, right?
• 27:12
  Dr C: The the whole competition, the conflict, the the feeling like, oh, he's saying that because of something else, or feeling jealousy or anything like that.
• 27:20
  Dr C: Maybe all that was kind of worked out as you guys your bond grew while you were, you know, going through your college days and maybe through your process of becoming brothers.
• 27:33
  Dr C: Maybe what do you think?
• 27:37
  Joe Gorley: Maybe.
• 27:38
  Joe Gorley: You know, I have to look I I want to noodle that a little bit.
• 27:40
  Joe Gorley: I think I have to noodle that to give it a the fair assessment.
• 27:44
  Joe Gorley: I think at the end of the day, or when I think about um upset about these guys, if if I'm upset with them, I'm gonna be thinking when I do it wrong.
• 27:55
  Joe Gorley: Because I think it's it's legitimate from a place of love and those types of things.
• 28:02
  Joe Gorley: So if I can imagine these guys, like when I think about friends, and I have friends like well, or you know, you have associates, but then you do things with and you have associates because you do the same activity or that's golf and it's cars or whatever.
• 28:14
  Joe Gorley: But you know, when you have real friends, and that friend can that friend will come from a place and say, hey man, you know what?
• 28:21
  Joe Gorley: I think you shouldn't do that.
• 28:22
  Joe Gorley: I think you shouldn't drive, I think you shouldn't miss.
• 28:24
  Joe Gorley: I think you you know I don't like how you talk to your wife a little bit.
• 28:27
  Joe Gorley: You know, you might want to check that a little bit, whatever those types of things, and and you can't get mad at that if you believe you truly believe it is coming from a place of of sincerity and legitimate.
• 28:38
  Che Jansen: I I would add one other thing.
• 28:39
  Che Jansen: I think it helps that there's three of us.
• 28:41
  Che Jansen: I think that and again, I don't think that there's been any like big issues that we've, you know, but I I can if Joe you know might call me and say, Hey, have you talked to Sean a minute?
• 29:01
  Che Jansen: No, I really haven't.
• 29:03
  Che Jansen: You know, he's tripping.
• 29:04
  Che Jansen: Like, where where's he been?
• 29:05
  Che Jansen: Or whatever.
• 29:06
  Che Jansen: And we talk it out like each other, but then we'll both call him.
• 29:09
  Che Jansen: Right, right, right.
• 29:11
  Dr C: What's going on?
• 29:12
  Dr C: So you guys are triaging, right?
• 29:14
  Dr C: And then and then holding each other accountable to make it am I am I tripping?
• 29:19
  Dr C: No, you're not tripping.
• 29:20
  Che Jansen: Okay, let's reach out to him.
• 29:21
  Che Jansen: Right, right, yeah, and we're not kibbitching around by each other's backing.
• 29:24
  Che Jansen: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 29:25
  Che Jansen: We're like literally like looking at like, hey man, I can't talk to you.
• 29:28
  Che Jansen: Where's that fellow?
• 29:31
  Dr C: Where's that young man at?
• 29:32
  Shawn Blankenship: And you things are dressed up as like you have to be part of the conversation.
• 29:36
  Shawn Blankenship: I've had this conversation before, and you know, I I took travel a bit for work and do this, that, the other third, and especially when you know my daughter's young, she was coming up, you get wrapped up in this world, right?
• 29:46
  Shawn Blankenship: And not that I don't love anybody else, but the day to day you can catch it, like you talked about, right?
• 29:49
  Shawn Blankenship: And say, Hey, not even good if he did this.
• 29:52
  Shawn Blankenship: He's not telling me, you know, it's not do this, but he's indirectly telling me this is what we need from you, and you're not hungry in the bar of his ass.
• 29:59
  Shawn Blankenship: So accountants are voiding.
• 30:02
  Shawn Blankenship: Right?
• 30:02
  Shawn Blankenship: It goes back to that accountability.
• 30:04
  Shawn Blankenship: And the only thing I'm gonna add, like, you know, we we'd had this conversation.
• 30:07
  Shawn Blankenship: You look, if you took like a an analysis of the Janssen family, the Blinkster family, and the Groley family, they're very similar.
• 30:15
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, and when you talk about when like you know, uh both our parents are for both our parents in the house.
• 30:23
  Shawn Blankenship: So with that sense of accountability, like the expectations that are put upon you when you come from, you know, strong, strong family, strong sinner.
• 30:30
  Shawn Blankenship: I know both their parents.
• 30:32
  Shawn Blankenship: Strong, strong, right?
• 30:34
  Shawn Blankenship: Expectations, it felt like you talked about it earlier, you know, like you are who you hang out with, you are who raise you.
• 30:40
  Shawn Blankenship: So there's that level of accountability that we all feel with our families, and then when they come out of that family, it's so you know, I don't really argue with my sister.
• 30:48
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, yeah, because there's a lot of accountability that you have to look first yourself before you look at the other folks' folks' actions.
• 30:55
  Shawn Blankenship: I think we've grounded in that too.
• 30:57
  Dr C: I love that.
• 30:58
  Che Jansen: And when you're direct with people, that tends to avoid a lot of conflict, like you know, passive aggressive.
• 31:03
  Che Jansen: If if and it it's if it's something like, you know, hey, you know, you're you're being too hard on your child, or you're, you know, give your child some independence, some space to do their thing, we'll just come out and say it.
• 31:20
  Che Jansen: You know?
• 31:21
  Che Jansen: We we may again say it in a in a humorous way, but I think we've known each other long enough to to get through the code words.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: Right, right, right, right.
• 31:36
  Che Jansen: He's saying, okay, he's telling me ease up.
• 31:38
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 31:39
  Dr C: All right.
• 31:39
  Dr C: And and so I love that you talk about the the humor, right?
• 31:44
  Dr C: The humor that you all kind of you said that's your love language, right?
• 31:47
  Dr C: Laughter is your love language, humor is your love language.
• 31:50
  Dr C: And it's interesting to to hear that because I see it, right?
• 31:55
  Dr C: So I've been around you guys for a couple of years now and and hanging out with y'all and having a great time and all that, but I I see the love through your humor.
• 32:03
  Dr C: And when you're cracking on each other and making jokes about each other, you know, it's it's funny, but I never felt like, ooh, ooh, did he really say that?
• 32:12
  Dr C: Like I always I instinctively knew that it was out of love.
• 32:18
  Dr C: It was just a humorous, you know, crack.
• 32:20
  Dr C: And no, none of you changed, you know, your your your face, your attitude.
• 32:25
  Dr C: It was just like you took it, you understood it, and you kept it moving.
• 32:28
  Dr C: So, you know, laughter is the best medicine, and you guys really have have like perfected that.
• 32:37
  Che Jansen: I appreciate it too, but I will say that that's an area, a growth area, right?
• 32:42
  Che Jansen: And I think like with with any or with most groups of guys, there are times when you end up being the butt of the joke, maybe through a fault of your own, maybe through no fault of your own.
• 32:57
  Dr C: Maybe it's the shirt you wear.
• 33:01
  Che Jansen: And everybody piles on, right?
• 33:03
  Che Jansen: So you may not you may have one of us may have started it, but somebody else jumped in and then next thing you know.
• 33:08
  Che Jansen: And so I think all of us have been in that area.
• 33:12
  Che Jansen: Joe, Joe makes this face that we call the Joe face.
• 33:14
  Che Jansen: And and so, you know, we've we've been there when it probably goes too far, but we've learned how to reel yourself back in.
• 33:28
  Che Jansen: Yeah, and and how to how to uh uh you know kind of cut it off when it's it's getting to another point.
• 33:33
  Che Jansen: All right, you know, he's had enough.
• 33:35
  Che Jansen: But we've won.
• 33:35
  Che Jansen: Leave him alone, leave him alone.
• 33:38
  Che Jansen: Maybe bear it next time.
• 33:43
  Dr C: So so as we wrap up, many of our listeners are feeling inspired by your by your brotherhood, but might also be feeling lonely.
• 33:52
  Dr C: So for someone who's feeling disconnected, what is the first smallest, most practical step they can take this week to start deepening their own social network?
• 34:01
  Joe Gorley: Risk.
• 34:02
  Dr C: Risk.
• 34:03
  Dr C: Please tell me more.
• 34:04
  Joe Gorley: Learn how to accept risk.
• 34:06
  Joe Gorley: It's harder, right?
• 34:07
  Joe Gorley: And that's one of the it's not it's not in the nature.
• 34:10
  Joe Gorley: Most people aren't don't accept risk, right?
• 34:12
  Joe Gorley: It's not like in the nature of raising conservative and scared of change.
• 34:15
  Joe Gorley: But you have to risk something if you want something, right?
• 34:18
  Joe Gorley: And so that person that works and you have a water cooler kind of conversation with, maybe go to lunch, maybe have a coffee, do something low risk, but kind of risk something that to see if you can get a relationship with somebody that you can share and cultivate.
• 34:32
  Joe Gorley: Don't be afraid of risk.
• 34:34
  Shawn Blankenship: And to layer on to the risk.
• 34:36
  Shawn Blankenship: You know, not knowing everybody's personal situation and maybe listening to this podcast, you have somebody in your life.
• 34:44
  Shawn Blankenship: Right.
• 34:46
  Shawn Blankenship: And even if you haven't opened up to them, take that risk.
• 34:50
  Shawn Blankenship: But being straightforward, I think it it's when you try to nib on edges, they you're you're you're more not to jump in.
• 34:59
  Shawn Blankenship: So if you if you're very close to somebody and say, hey, listen, I really value our relationship.
• 35:06
  Shawn Blankenship: I trust you.
• 35:07
  Shawn Blankenship: But you know, how how can we be better for each other?
• 35:12
  Shawn Blankenship: And you know, however you want to bring it up in different ways, it's it's exp expand, expand your extending yourself out and in in extending trust to them to say, hey, this is what I'm looking for.
• 35:23
  Shawn Blankenship: Can you help me be better?
• 35:24
  Shawn Blankenship: And I can make me in turn help you better.
• 35:26
  Shawn Blankenship: And maybe it's not for that person, and it's it's a it's a process, but you have to start to take the risk because you know, especially if you get older, uh, you know, typically our our our our principal shrink, right?
• 35:38
  Shawn Blankenship: So it's not like you have a hundred people.
• 35:40
  Shawn Blankenship: So the ones you have, you you need to they need to be a it's not helping you to hurt you.
• 35:44
  Shawn Blankenship: Yeah.
• 35:44
  Shawn Blankenship: And I think being honest and and forthright and and and leaning in, like Joe said, be a uh not being free to expose vulnerability.
• 35:54
  Che Jansen: I'll I'll segue off of that a little bit.
• 35:57
  Che Jansen: I mean, the first thing I want to say uh as as we come to our close is we thank you very much for having us on the podcast.
• 36:04
  Che Jansen: And in no way, shape, or form do any of us think that we are friendship or relationship experts.
• 36:09
  Che Jansen: We understand there's a great deal of luck that went into Sean Chiang.
• 36:14
  Che Jansen: There's a great deal of luck that went into us forming the friendship we have, and we belong to a great fraternal organization that that molded us through a process that helped us expedite our our relationship.
• 36:36
  Che Jansen: But that said, I would say you have to be authentic and unselfish.
• 36:43
  Che Jansen: You cannot develop whether it's a network or a deeper friendship or any type of relationship that's gonna help you by say, What am I gonna get out of this?
• 36:54
  Che Jansen: We've never, you know, just through the grace of God, been that way with each other.
• 37:01
  Che Jansen: It's never been about one individual.
• 37:03
  Che Jansen: It's always been about us helping and supporting one another.
• 37:07
  Che Jansen: I think that when we first got together, it was to pledge a fraternity.
• 37:13
  Che Jansen: And I think that was the goal.
• 37:15
  Che Jansen: Your husband, Rob, would would probably tell you because he was leading us at that time when we first uh started on that journey, that the goal was to make us see that we were stronger together than we were individually.
• 37:30
  Che Jansen: And I think uh through some extraordinary weirdness, we learned that and we and we grabbed onto it.
• 37:37
  Che Jansen: Yeah, that didn't sound right, but it's okay.
• 37:40
  Che Jansen: No, it was just uh what I meant is an up and down uh process, but you know, we ate a a lot of bad meals together.
• 37:51
  Che Jansen: We had a lot of difficult but interesting conversations with one another, and it all contributes to us learning more about one another and uh figuring out that we needed to depend on one another to reach our goal.
• 38:06
  Dr C: So reciprocity, right?
• 38:08
  Dr C: So reciprocal relationships uh good as diffusive of itself, right?
• 38:12
  Joe Gorley: I mean, if you're good, good comes back to you.
• 38:14
  Joe Gorley: Listen, principle, right?
• 38:16
  Joe Gorley: Good as diffusive of itself.
• 38:18
  Dr C: Love that very scientific reading, for example, and University of Daegan, right?
• 38:28
  Dr C: So, Sean, Joe, and Shay, I cannot thank you enough.
• 38:33
  Dr C: Your wisdom, your vulnerability, and the living example set for all of us is a true gift.
• 38:38
  Dr C: Thank you for being on the Life Podcast.
• 38:40
  Dr C: Really appreciate your time.
• 38:43
  Che Jansen: Thank you, thank you so much, keep doing what you do.
• 38:47
  Dr C: Wow, what an incredible conversation.
• 38:49
  Dr C: As I'm sitting here just reflecting on what we heard, I'm struck by one big idea.
• 38:54
  Dr C: True wellness is not about self-care, it's about community care.
• 38:57
  Dr C: It's about building a life so strong, so supported, that you can weather any storm.
• 39:03
  Dr C: We've learned that these bonds don't survive by accident.
• 39:06
  Dr C: They are a choice.
• 39:07
  Dr C: A choice to show up, to be vulnerable, to be consistent.
• 39:11
  Dr C: So here's a challenge to you.
• 39:13
  Dr C: Don't wait.
• 39:14
  Dr C: Who is that person who popped in your head while you were listening?
• 39:18
  Dr C: That friend you haven't talked to in a while, that person you've been meaning to check on.
• 39:22
  Dr C: Your one step for today is to close this app, pick up your phone, and send them a text.
• 39:28
  Dr C: Just one sentence.
• 39:29
  Dr C: Hey, I've been thinking about you, and I'm grateful you're in my life.
• 39:32
  Dr C: That's it.
• 39:33
  Dr C: That's the first step.
• 39:35
  Dr C: Thank you for investing in your wellness and for being here with us today.
• 39:38
  Dr C: Until next time, keep on learning, stay inspired, continue to flourish, and never stop evolving.
• 39:44
  Dr C: I'm your host, Dr.
• 39:45
  Dr C: C, and this is the Life Podcast.