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What Actually Hurts An Avoidant Ex · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Most people think they know what's going to hurt and avoid
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  an X after a breakup. But the very things that people
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  try to do to make an avoidant X feel the loss usually actually
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  make them feel safer, more justified, and even more
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  emotionally shut down. So if you want to understand
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  what actually gets through to an avoidant X after a breakup, you
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  have to understand what they protect, what they suppress, and
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  what really forces them to feel the loss.
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  You can't just look at what would hurt you, you have to look
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  at what disrupts their system, what removes their emotional
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  buffer, what cuts off their usual escape routes, and what
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  stops feeding the pattern that kept them comfortable in the 1st
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  place. So stay tuned if you're new
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  here. Hi, this is Lucia.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
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  And if you're not you, you're part of my no contact army.
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  And welcome back. It's always great to have you.
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  OK, so the first thing that hurts an avoiding X after a
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  breakup is when you go completely silent.
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  Of course you knew I was going to say that if you've been
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  listening to me for a while. And I do not mean fake silence.
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  I don't mean silence for a few days or a week while you watch
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  their stories. I don't mean disappearing in a
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  dramatic way. So they panic and come running.
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  I mean real silence. The kind where you stop chasing,
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  stop checking in, stop trying to keep the emotional threat alive,
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  and stop making yourself available in the background.
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  That hits harder than people realize.
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  Avoiding XS are used to some version of this dynamic.
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  They pull away, but the other person keeps reaching.
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  They create distance, but the other person keeps the bond
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  alive. They break the closeness, but
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  they still quietly expect access.
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  That's why so many of them don't fully feel the breakup right
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  away. The breakup may have happened
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  technically, but emotionally the connection is still being
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  maintained by the other person. In other words, you you're still
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  texting till, still explaining, still waiting, still reacting,
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  still emotionally available. So the avoidant gets distance
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  without having to fully feel the loss.
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  They get relief without consequences.
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  What could be better than that? That's why real silence can hit
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  them so hard. Because now there's no emotional
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  buffer. Now they do not get to feel in
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  control while you keep the connection warm for them.
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  Now they don't get to assume that you'll still be there when
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  they feel lonely, curious, guilty, or restless.
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  And now they have to confront the possibility that this
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  breakup didn't just create distance, it created loss.
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  And loss lands very differently when no one's chasing you.
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  And by the way, if you would like my help to get your ex
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  back, I do offer one-on-one coaching and you can get the
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  rates at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
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  will send them to you. They are not on the website.
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  The second thing that hurts and avoid an X after a breakup is
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  when you become emotionally unavailable to them.
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  Now this is different from silence, although of course the
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  two can overlap. A lot of people they stop
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  reaching out, but emotionally they're still right there.
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  So if the X sends a breadcrumb, they jump.
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  If the X drops a low effort message, they light up.
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  If the X appears confused, distant, or inconsistent, they
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  rush in with empathy or softness or reassurance.
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  So even though they're technically in no contact or
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  technically pulling back, emotionally, they're still very
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  accessible. And avoidant XS can feel that
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  because even the avoidant who acts detached still knows that
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  they can reach you. They want to know if the bond is
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  still there, if they need it. They want to know they still
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  matter. They want to know that they can
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  open the door and you'll still be standing there emotionally
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  ready. That's why become becoming
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  emotionally unavailable can affect them more than some big
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  dramatic display, because now they're not just dealing with
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  physical distance, they're dealing with the collapse of
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  emotional axis. They're dealing with the fact
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  that the person who used to provide warmth and validation
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  and understanding is no longer waiting there on standby.
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  And that is important because many of wooden dynamics are
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  built on imbalance, as I'm sure you found out.
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  One person over functions emotionally while the other
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  under functions. One person keeps trying to talk,
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  fix, process, and connect while the other one keeps 1 foot out
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  the door. So when you stop emotionally
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  over functioning, the whole thing changes.
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  Now they can't lean on your availability while giving very
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  little back. Now they have to feel what your
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  absence actually feels like instead of relying on your
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  continued openness. To soften it and to help you
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  stay silent. I have my app Silencio which is
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  available on the App Store and on Google Play and the link to
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  that is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you still practice the ancient art of reading books, I
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  have a book that you can get at nocontactsecrets.com where you
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  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book and the
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  link to that is underneath of course also every video and
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  podcast. OK, the third thing that hurts
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  an avoidant X after a breakup is seeing that you are genuinely
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  doing better without them. And this is where a lot of
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  people get sloppy because they think, OK, so I just need to
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  look happy, right? No, because performative
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  happiness still feels emotionally hooked.
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  It still feels like it's for them.
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  It still carries this energy of please notice me, please react,
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  please see what you lost. This is not what hits hardest.
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  What hits hardest is when it becomes clear that your growth
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  isn't a message to them, it's a choice for you.
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  You're calmer, less chaotic, rebuilding your life.
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  You're becoming harder to pull back into the old cycle.
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  You're not waiting at the door emotionally.
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  And that effects an avoidance because it forces them to
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  confront something they may not have wanted to face.
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  That may be you were not the unstable 1.
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  You weren't the one creating all the heaviness.
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  Maybe your pain wasn't the problem.
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  Maybe the relationship didn't feel difficult just because of
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  your needs. Maybe their own patterns were a
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  major part of the breakdown. And when you're genuinely doing
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  better, it becomes harder for them to keep telling themselves
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  the old story, right? That you were too much?
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  That the breakup was entirely necessary because of your
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  emotions. That the relation failed because
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  you couldn't handle things. So your growth becomes evidence
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  that the problem was never just about your reaction, it was the
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  dynamic and their role in it. The fourth thing that hurts in
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  avoidant X after a breakup is when they start to realize that
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  they were the problem. Now, this doesn't mean that
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  every avoidant is going to wake up one day and become deeply
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  self aware and send a beautiful accountability text.
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  A lot of them won't, as much as we wish they would.
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  Some avoidance are going to double down in denial.
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  Some are going to keep distracting themselves, some
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  will keep bread crumbing, some are going to jump into something
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  else, some will disappear completely.
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  And some will come back only when they're lonely, bored, or
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  dysregulated, not because they've changed.
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  So this isn't about fantasy. But when an avoidant ex starts
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  to feel the loss in a real way, one of the most painful parts
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  isn't just missing you, it's confronting their own role.
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  It's realizing that they deactivated instead of dealing.
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  They protected themselves at the cost of the relationship.
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  They kept choosing distance and avoidance and ambiguity and self
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  protection until the bond had no choice but to collapse.
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  And that kind of pain is different because it's not just
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  grief, it's accountability. It's realizing that they may
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  have lost someone valuable not because love was impossible, but
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  because they couldn't tolerate what real closeness required.
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  That hurts, especially if you're no longer there trying to make
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  it easy for them to escape and to blame or confusion or access.
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  And this leads to something important a lot of people want
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  to know, well, do avoidance feel pain after a breakup?
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  Yes, of course. But pain isn't the same as
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  growth. It's not the same as
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  accountability or emotional maturity or being ready for a
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  healthy relationship. An avoidant X can miss you and
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  still not be capable of showing up differently.
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  They can feel your absence and still reach for the same
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  defenses. They can hurt and unfortunately
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  still choose stagnation. And that's why your goal cannot
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  be to make them suffer enough to come back.
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  Your goal has to be to stop participating in the dynamic
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  that kept you stuck, because there are really only two paths
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  in Avoidant X can take after a breakup.
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  The first one is growth, and that is where they do the
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  uncomfortable work. They reflect.
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  They stop hiding behind vagueness and distance.
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  They learn to tolerate vulnerability instead of running
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  from it. And if they come back, they come
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  back with more than longing. They come back with ownership
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  and change behavior. The other path is stagnation.
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  That's where they stay the same. So they breadcrumb.
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  They resurface, but without substance.
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  They want access without responsibility.
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  They miss you, but they don't change.
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  They want relief, but are not willing to repair.
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  And a lot of people confuse the two paths.
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  They think that missing means growth.
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  They think that reaching out means that they've changed, and
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  that pain equals readiness. But it doesn't.
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  Someone can feel the loss and still not be safe for you.
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  That's why the deepest take away here isn't how do I hurt my
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  avoidant X? The deepest take away is what
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  gets through to an avoidant X is often the moment you stop
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  protecting them from the consequences of losing you.
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  Not by punishing them or playing games or acting detached, but by
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  actually withdrawing your emotional labor, reclaiming your
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  attention, building a life that's not centered on whether
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  they come back or not. They have to feel the
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  consequences. That's the only way they're
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  going to decide to change. So actually become someone who's
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  no longer available for half love, confusion and intermittent
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  connection. And ironically, that's also what
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  starts healing you. Because at some point, this has
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  to be less about what hurts them and more about what frees you.
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  And if your ex is avoidant, the temptation is to keep trying to
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  crack the code, to keep trying to understand what they feel
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  when they feel it, whether they miss you, whether they regret
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  it, whether your science is working, whether your absence
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  matters. But the more secure question is
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  not how do I get through to them?
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  It is why would I keep organizing my life around
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  someone who could only love me from a distance?
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  Because the version of you that heals is not the version still
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  trying to make an avoidant X understand.
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  It's the version that finally understands enough to let the
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  pattern end. OK, so now I want to hear from
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  you. Do you have any questions or
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  comments to anything I've said? Please comment below and be sure
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  to subscribe so you don't miss out on any future videos or
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  episodes if you're listening as a podcast.
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  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.