Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Finding Your Authentic Self: Stop People-Pleasing & Close the Gap Between Who You Are and Who You “Should” Be (E)

Transcript

Finding Your Authentic Self: Stop People-Pleasing & Close the Gap Between Who You Are and Who You “Should” Be (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So in today's episode of Do You Fucking Mind?, we
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: are going to be talking all about your authentic self. Now,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: when it comes to the authentic self, I am going
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: to be talking about, firstly, what that is, because I
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: think a lot of people, I think we throw that.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Term around a lot, and it sounds a little bit woo-woo,
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: but it's not at all.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: It's It's very central to our self-esteem and our overall happiness.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to explain why that is.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: And then I'm also going to be.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Talking about concepts that heavily influence how much you can
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: tap into your authentic self and living a life that's
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: true to your authentic self. And these things that I'm
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: going to be talking about is self-inconsistency and self-conflict.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to be delving deep into those topics.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Now, I don't have a brain fact for today, and
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I also may not do a listener question. It's going
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: to be a slightly shorter episode, but I thought let's
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: just dive deep into this one topic. Let's just cover
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: the whole thing, and hopefully by the end of the episode,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: you can get some of these tools to really work
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: through to help you feel like you are living a
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: on purpose with what it is that you truly want
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: to be doing. I think there's a lot of confusing
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: things that come into our life. There's a lot of influences,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: some good, some not so good, that end up confusing
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: us and we end up feeling a little bit lost.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: We end up not really knowing what it is that
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: we truly want to do, what life we truly want
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: to live. There's so many factors that end up confusing us.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: And I feel like in the era of choice and
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: infinite possibilities and infinite decisions, it almost makes it a
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: little bit worse. I think there's this like fallacy of
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: happiness comes in choices. And I think that that is
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: true to a degree, but then I think you can
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: get paralyzed when there's so much to think about, so
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: much to consider that you end up.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Doing the opposite, which is nothing. So that's what I'm.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: I was going to do a life update, but really
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: all I've been doing today is running around frantically in
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: my office space. I'm one of those people that, especially
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: coming into the end of the year, I need to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: rearrange shit. I was one of those kids growing up
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: that had to rearrange my bedroom at least a couple
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: of times a year, and.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: It would be this whole... big surprise. I would like
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: tell my parents, don't come in. You're not allowed to
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: come in. And I'd be.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Rearranging with my sister when we were young and we
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: shared the same room. We would rearrange everything, think it
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: was just so unbelievable. But all we did was like
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: move the bed against one wall to just literally another wall,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: move the bedside tables.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: And our parents would walk in and be like, wow, my.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: God, that's so great. Fucking, you've just been dragging furniture
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: around all afternoon. But I still have that in me now.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: But alas, Well, alas would kind of mean that it's unfortunate.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: But here we are in the office space and I'm
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: running around like a psychopath trying to rearrange shit so
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: it lines up exactly how I want to have it
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: lined up for filming. And I just feel so, I
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: feel like a new person, like I'm born again every
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: time I rearrange my furniture. So if you want to
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: make me happy, come and help me rearrange fucking shit
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: in my office.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Anyway, that is my life update.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: So clearly not much going on. Let's get straight into
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: the episode of today. So the first thing we're going
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: to talk about is what does authentic self even mean?
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: What does it mean to live your authentic self? So
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: in a nutshell, it's to know yourself. It's to really,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: really know who you are. It's to also know what
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: you want. Well, I mean, yes, out of life, but
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: what you want on a day-to-day basis. What are your values?
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: What are your morals?
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: What do you hold in high esteem in your life?
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: What you stand for, that kind of thing, to be
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: like true to that. Also, mind you, when we talk
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: about your authentic self, that can be evolving and it
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: can be changing. I'll touch on that later. It doesn't
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: mean that this is who you are and you absolutely
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: cannot change, but it's who you are right now and
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: what you resonate with at this point in your life
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: based on what you know, based on what you've experienced.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: It also has to do with your free will. So
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: this is your autonomy. It's your independence. So the way
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I kind of look at it is sometimes if you're
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: trying to really get clear on your authentic self, one
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: of the exercises to help you get clear on knowing
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: your authentic self is to think if you were given
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: the freedom to do whatever it is that you wanted
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to do, like within reason, and there would be no
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: judgment from anyone that you know, there would be nothing,
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: what would that freedom look.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: Like to you?
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: And if you start to say, oh, my God, I
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: changed my job straight away, then that's a really good
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: indication that maybe you are living your life differently under
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: someone else's terms or under your family's terms or what
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: people think, how other people think you should be living
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: your life. You know, there's a lot of people that
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: live a very different version of themselves because they think
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: that it would just be unrealistic or it would be
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: too difficult to live their authentic self, the self that
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: behind closed doors is the.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Self that they are, okay?
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: So... really think what would that look like? What would
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: freedom be? So would your job change? Would your living change?
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Do you feel that you have to live in a
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: certain way because you feel pressured? by the people around you?
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Do you feel that you have all these responsibilities that
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: have been put on you that you never asked for?
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: And now you kind of feel a little bit like, oh,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: I feel like I have to fulfill these responsibilities because
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: it's just been put on me and that's that. Do
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: you feel like maybe you've been living a life for
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: so long that if you were to change it, you would,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: it would be scary. You wouldn't know how to start.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: You wouldn't know where to begin. So you're picking like
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: the devil that you know, instead of choosing the unknown
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: and potentially really living that authentic version of your life.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: So I think it's a really good question to ask
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: yourself because it gets you digging deep and asking yourself
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: the hard questions. And these are questions that normally we'll
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: skim over and we think, oh, yeah, like in an
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: ideal world, I'll, you know, travel the world and blah, blah, blah. But, like,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: think about it on a day-to-day basis in your everyday life.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Would it look the same or would it look different
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: if you, you know, didn't have– to uphold these certain
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: things in the eyes of other people and in the
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: eyes of maybe yourself as well because you've put pressure
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: on yourself. So that's what like authentic self is and
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: how to understand your authentic self. But now I want
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: to talk about two things that I mentioned at the
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: start of the episode. The first one is self-conflict and
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: then the next one is going to be self-inconsistency. So
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: self-conflict is where there is basically a conflict between our
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: morals and and our actions or our thoughts and our
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: emotions and things like that. So it's kind of when
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: you do something to hurt yourself, to please somebody else.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: That's a huge example of self-conflict. When you put yourself
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: down to try and make someone else feel better, because
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: it's kind of head versus heart. In your head, you're saying, well,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: I need to please these people. So I need to
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: do this thing to make that person happy. But then ultimately...
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: That's not really who I am. So they're seeing a
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: fake version of me and I've now upset myself and
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: now I don't feel fulfilled. I don't even feel happy.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, yeah, okay, great. They're potentially
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: happy for what I did, but I've just gone and
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: abandoned myself.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: That's an example.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: It's kind of when you're in this battle with yourself
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: and who you think and what you think you need
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: to be doing. So that's kind of self-conflict. Then we've
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: got something which is a little bit similar, which is self-inconsistency.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: It's also known as self-discrepancy or the self-discrepancy theory.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: Now, the self-discrepancy theory, which was.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Developed by a psychologist, Edward Torrey Higgins in 87, basically
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: states that individuals compare their actual self, to these internalized
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: standards of their ideal self or the version that they
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: think they ought to be, okay? Now, remember the word
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: ought to be, which is like basically a version that
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: you should be, that they think they should be, okay?
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: So this theory.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: This self-discrepancy theory is basically talking about the clash between
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: your actual self versus the ideal and the ought self.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And that's what causes this emotional discomfort, these feelings of fear,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: feelings of threat, discomfort in general, fear of the unknown.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: And this self-inconsistency, this discrepancy is basically that gap between
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: these two versions of your self-representation. So let's break that
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: down further. So actual is basically your self-concept of what
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: your current attributes are. So it's your current intelligence, it's
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: your current skill set, it's your physical appearance, your physical abilities,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: kind of what's going on in your life right now
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: that you can label as this is right now who
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: I am and what I'm capable of doing and everything
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: around that. ideal self is what you would love to possess.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Like these are your goals. So these are your dreams.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: They're your aspirations. It's normally, this is normally going to
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: be what's got, what is the driving force that helps
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: you make change in your life. So you, you identify
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: something that you want for yourself and you think that
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: is the ideal self.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: If I had this.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Life and mind you, sometimes the ideal self is this
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: authentic self.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: Okay. So the ideal self is, I know.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: This exists in me. I just wish I could express
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: my life in that way.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: And sometimes your actual self is not your authentic self
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: as far as what people say. So yeah, to summarize,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: ideal is what you'd love to possess. They're your goals,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: your dreams, your aspirations, all of that. And this is really,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: really helpful when you're structuring goals. We all have an
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: ideal self. We all have something that we'd like to
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: achieve or something that we'd like to do. And that's
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: the ideal self. Then we've got ought. And that is
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: what you believe that you should possess. So this is
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: your duties, your obligations, your responsibilities. And here is also
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: where you are living up to expectations that have been
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: set for you, either by that you've set for yourself
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: or expectations that people around you have set your community,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: your culture, your parents, your friends, your partner, all encompassing.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: the difference between ought and ideal is that ought is
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: not necessarily something that you want for yourself. It might
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: be something that you just think that you were born
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: into this kind of life or this situation, or you
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: found yourself in this situation. Now you have to do
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: this thing. And sometimes there are things that you legitimately
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: have to do. Like there are responsibilities that you can't
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: necessarily walk away from. Um, but, you know, hopefully a
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: lot of the responsibilities that you have in your life
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: are part of what you want for yourself. But a
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: lot of responsibilities are these false responsibilities where we feel
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: like we have to do something, but the only outcome
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: of that is because it pleases somebody else. So for example,
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: a real responsibility is taking care of your child.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: It is your child.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: You are responsible for that child and hopefully that's what
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: you'd want to do. And then a false responsibility is, oh,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I have to do this career because if I don't,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I'll really disappoint my parents. They've been talking about me
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: doing this thing my entire life and I've said that
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I've wanted to do it, but now I realize that
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I've only said it because I've just been brought up
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: around that and in reality don't actually want to do it,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: but I feel responsible for the happiness. So that's like
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: not a real responsibility because, you know, their lives aren't
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: pending on you basically. Anyway, so there is something called
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: perceived authenticity that psychologists use to refer to how authentic
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: people an individual perceives themselves to be, okay? So it's
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: kind of, it's a self-judging scale. And based on these questions,
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: you determine how authentic you really think you are with
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: how you lead your life. And the higher that this
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: perceived authenticity is, the higher the score on that perceived authenticity,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: the higher the levels of mental resistance that in these
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: studies that were done. And the more it aids in
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: recovery of individual trauma and also collective trauma. So people
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: that have higher levels of this perceived authenticity are seem
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: to have more resilience and seem to recover better in
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: general with trauma. And in studies looking at these perceived authenticity,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: people who scored low on these scales of perceived authenticity
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: were reported to have really high levels of stress, especially
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: after traumatic events. And in the case of this particular study,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: they were talking about people that experienced a hurricane, okay?
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: So they were looking at people that were exposed to
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: this hurricane, had a really traumatic event. The people that
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: scored low on this perceived authenticity struggled with the trauma
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: a lot more and the stress of it a lot
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: more than the people that scored high.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: So why is this?
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: There's a whole bunch of reasons, but a lot of
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: psychologists believe that living authentically, which is basically being true
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: to yourself, true to your needs, true to your inner values,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: has a really positive association with many psychological and physiological
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: markers of well-being. So included in that are things like
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: self-esteem and life satisfaction and that kind of stuff.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: And then, of course, lower levels of that. equal anxiety, distress,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: and depression.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: So because of this correlation between like self-esteem and authenticity,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: it pretty much shows how people can enhance their resilience
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: in adulthood to have a better life experience. Now, mind you,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: these studies that I was reading up on kind of
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: focus around young adults and like middle-aged adults, but not
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: so much on anything beyond the two sides of that.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: But you would imagine that it would likely be similar.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: What I want to talk about is this kind of
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: battle between heart and mind because I think that we've
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: all been there.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: This psychological guilt of like.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Letting someone down and the emotional pain of letting yourself down.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: So one of the things that I was thinking about
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: when I was writing this episode is that so much
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: of our identity is is tied into our career.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: When people sit down and think, what is it that
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: you want? What do you want?
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: People instantly think like, what do I want to be?
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: What career, what title do I want to be? And
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: so there's so much pressure on understanding what you want
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: to be because then your career determines your identity and
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: your identity determines all these other facets of your life,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: how you're going to lead your life, who you are,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: what it says about you, all of that. And I
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: think that It can be quite stressful for a lot
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: of people who have never really found their passion in
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: something that generates an income. So there's a lot of
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: people out there that think, oh, well, I never found
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: my passion because they never found their passion in their job.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: And I just want you to know that if you're
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: someone who's sitting at home really, really confused being like,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I've found my passion.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I'm in my early 20s, mid 20s, 30s, and I've
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: never really, you don't fucking have to.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Living your authentic self doesn't mean that how you generate
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: income to buy fucking food dictates who you are as
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: a person and dictates what your passions are. So I
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: started doing something differently a few years ago, actually. And
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: I noticed that when I would meet someone new, I
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: would do this and everyone would do it to me.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: The first question after what's your name was, what do
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: you do for a living? Or what's your job?
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: What do you do? What's your career?
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Something around what do you do as your primary source
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: of income is basically what the question was. And I
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: realized that it plays a major role. I don't blame
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: people for asking it. I don't blame myself for asking that.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: But I realized that the main reason why we do
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: that is because your job is for the most part,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: does take up a lot of your time. And for
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: a lot of people, the job that they do is
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: something that they really like. But I realised that it
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: kind of instantly gives people an idea, a concept of
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: what they already know about that job. And then they
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: place that concept on who you are. So then I
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: started thinking, I'm going to try from now on and
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: have conversations with people and not bring up their job,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: unless it is crucial for me to ask them.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: About their job.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Like if they're saying, oh, at work today, I had
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: this really hectic situation, then of course I'm going to
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: be like, well, what's your job? You know, obviously context.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: But I was thinking, what if I started just not asking?
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: So I say to people, what do you do for fun?
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Like anything, any question. But when you start saying, what
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: do you do for fun? Then people are like, oh
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: my God, well, I love doing this thing. I just
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: came back from this big trip. And then their eyes
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: light up and they start talking about things that really
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: resonate with what they love to do. And some people
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: spoke about their jobs because they loved their jobs. Oh,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I love my job because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And that's what they go straight into. But it was
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: really interesting when I started changing the question. seeing what
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: the answer would be. And I think you've got to
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: kind of do the same for yourself. Don't try and
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: put so much of your identity into your job if
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: it's not a direct representation of who you are and
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: how you feel and how you want to express yourself.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the two things are completely different. Sometimes people can
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: just work a job, it pays the bills and It's fine.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: It's good.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: They're happy with it, but it's not where their true
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: passion lies, and their true passion lies completely outside of that.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: It is so.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Fine and healthy and nice and normal and good to
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: want to just have– a nine to five that's just
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: going to pay the bills and find your passion somewhere else.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: That's lovely. And for a lot of people that actually
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: reduces a lot of stress. So I think there's this
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: pressure and this like hustle culture and all of that,
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: that you have to find your passion in your career
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: and you don't have to. I mean, if you want to, amazing.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Keep listening. And if you don't want to, amazing and
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: keep listening.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Like it's just I feel like if you're someone who's,
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: like I said before, if you're someone who's sitting here thinking, fuck,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: I just don't know what I want to do with
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: my life, don't think that what you want to do
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: with your life and your career is the same thing
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: because it's not.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: You can find passion in other things and I think
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: that that opens.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Up way more possibilities for yourself when you come to
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: that realisation because you think, wait a minute, if the
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: thing that I love doesn't have to generate income and
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: It's just opened up a million more possibilities for me
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: to explore what it is that I really want, how
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I really can live my authentic self, what I genuinely
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: do to enjoy myself, what I do when I'm not working,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: where like the fun really begins, okay? I thought I'd
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: just go on that little tangent on the side about
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: jobs because I don't want you to think that living
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: your authentic self has to also mean that you've got
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: to have a job that corresponds with all of the
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: above because you don't, okay? How do you identify authentic
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: self in other people? And I think it's pretty easy
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: to do it because when you start thinking about the
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: people that are in your life, you can very quickly
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: start to identify the people that you know are truly
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: comfortable in their own skin and just quite like confident.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: And not loudly confident, they might be, but also like
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: the quietly confident people, the people that are just satisfied,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: they have life satisfaction, okay? It doesn't mean that they're
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: not trying to reach for other goals, but they're satisfied
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: with their life. And that's a really beautiful thing to have.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: It's not, I'm settling for less. It's I'm genuinely, I
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: feel fulfilled in my life and I can still be
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: reaching for other things and growing and learning and exploring.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: But I'm fulfilled.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: And We probably all know at least one person in
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: our life that represents that. And even if you don't
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: know them personally, maybe it's someone that you look up
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: to in some way, shape or form that you think
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: emulates that. But it's kind of, you know, people that
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: are genuinely... happy with their lives, happy with themselves. They
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: don't change who they are based on who they are
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: talking to. That's a huge indicator of someone who is
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: living their authentic self. They are truly themselves in every
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: single situation. And that's very special. When I say that,
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: it's a really beautiful thing to see and it's something
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: that I've always kind of worked towards. I noticed it,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: the first person that I really noticed this in, that
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I consciously became aware of, that was my sister. as
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: a kid from early on, she was always like, this
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: is who I am. This is how I want to be.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: This is how I like to dress. This is, you know,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: she always was very self-assured on what her style was.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: Didn't matter.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: It didn't have to follow a trend. It didn't have
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: to follow what people thought was right or what was wrong.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: It just didn't faze her.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: She was always like back in the day when tomboy
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: was a word, especially in the 90s, she would always
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: be referred to as a tomboy and people would be like, oh,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: and refer to her as a boy because she always
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: cut her hair short and wore shorts and t-shirts.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Lol, imagine that chat now. Hilarious, but 90s. Anyway, and
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: it never made her even flinch. She was like, They
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: can think that. I don't care.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I don't care because people are like, well, don't you
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: want to wear something a bit more feminine so people
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: know you're a girl? She's like, why do I care
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: if people know I'm a girl? Like she would have
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: been under 10 saying that. So I was like, that
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: is someone who's living their authentic self. And I identified
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: that she was the first person that made me realize
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: what that looked like. and growing up especially as I
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: became an adult I realized the importance of that and
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: I realized how genuinely happy she always was nothing really
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: wavered as far as that so I started to try
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: and do that for myself and I feel like everything's
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: a work in progress but I feel like I'm really
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: really like there or very close to being there versus
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: when I was like a lot younger or a teenager
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: or whatever so That's kind of what it looks like.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: It's someone who isn't wavered by, like doesn't waver based
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: on other people's opinions. The only thing that makes them
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: change is when they themselves develop or generate like a
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: deep interest for something else and then they are pulled
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: to want to evolve or develop in that way, whether
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: it be a change of style, whether it be a
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: change of, you know, interests or whatever, but it's because
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: they are innately internally pulled to do that thing. Not
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: because people are like, don't you think you should, and
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: then they're like, oh, okay. And then they squeeze themselves
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: into this category that they don't really feel like they
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: fit into.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Okay. It's also people that are not competing and comparing constantly, okay?
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: So this feeling of competition with other people, I'm not
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: talking about entering a competition as far as like a
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: sport or whatever that's different, but this competing with other
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: people for something, like for attention, for love, for acceptance,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: for validation, for popularity, things like that, things that, you know,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: get you on an emotional level and make you feel
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: either worthy or worthless. When you are seeking that from
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: the external and when you are competing with other people
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: for that validation, that's when it really hinders and hurts
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: your self-esteem. And also this constant comparison, which is a
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: form of competition in a way, at least in your head,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: where you're constantly checking, okay, am I living up to that?
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Am I not?
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Am I here?
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Am I there?
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: Am I not?
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: Are they below me? Are they above me? It's very exhausting.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: So when someone is genuinely living their authentic self, that's
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: not really happening for them. They're kind of motivated intrinsically.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: They can genuinely celebrate other people's journeys because they're very
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: much on their own journey. They aren't swayed by other
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: people's opinions of them. They're consistent is a big one.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: They don't force themselves to fit into norms.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: They're genuinely kind of unfazed by standards around them.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: And they also are able to, it's not, when I
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: say that they're really, really happy with who they are,
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that they can't identify their own mistakes
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: or they can't, you know, but they can.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Look at a mistake. They can look at a flaw.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: They can look at something that they did that was
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: embarrassing and not be horrified by it. They can be like, oh,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: fuck her.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: Lol, that was embarrassing. And they can laugh at it.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: It's more lighthearted.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: They're just kinder to themselves because they're like.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: I'm a fucking evolving thing.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: You know, everyone is on their journey of evolution that
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: they're at peace with their mistakes. They're at peace with
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: their embarrassing moments and they can laugh about it and
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: not be horrified and not talk about it and hide it.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: They can, you know, it's a more lighthearted approach to
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: their flaws and their downfalls. And it doesn't mean that
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: they're not looking to always improve themselves. If anything, they are,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: but in a pace that works for them, not in
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: a pace that has to adhere to what other people
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: think should be. you know, the pace that they go at.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: So if that sounded fucking good to you, if that
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: sounds like tempting to want to live that way, then
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: let's talk about how you can start heading in that direction.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: To make some changes in yourself, in feeling more authentic,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: in all of the above and what I just spoke about,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: let's take a little look at ourselves and do a
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: little bit of like an inventory. I want you to
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: ask a few questions to yourself. Now you can just
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: sit there, listen to this episode and just ask them
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: as I go, or you can kind of rewind back
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: to it, write it all down and really make a
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: journaling thing out of it, whatever works for you. So
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: number one, ask yourself, do you edit yourself and your
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: behaviors depending on who you are around? And then if
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: the answer is yes, is it all the time? Do
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: you notice yourself do it all the time? Is it
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: like a lot of energy that you put into doing this?
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: Or is it just with a couple of people, maybe
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: the people that intimidate you or the people that maybe
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: you have a crush on or someone that you're trying
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: to impress? Then ask yourself, what to you does it
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: mean to fit in? Does it mean that you need
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: to be like somebody else? Does it mean that you
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: need to agree with other people and that your thought
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: processes have to be the same in order to be liked?
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Is that what fitting in means, that you have to
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: have the same style, the same, is it this sameness?
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Or do you interpret fitting in as being interested in
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: somebody else, being interested in the differences, celebrating the differences,
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: learning the being accepting and kind of part of being
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: accepting and being accepted is to accept these differences as
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: well and to learn from each other. So sometimes fitting
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: in for a lot of people is, no, I need
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: to fit into this box. And for other people, fitting
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: in is, I want to just be part of this
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: community and we can all be different. What does it
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: look like to you? So if you were saying, oh,
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: that person doesn't fit in, what would that mean to you?
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: If you heard that statement, What does that mean? Because
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: when I think, oh, that person doesn't fit in, I
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: more think about if someone really clashes morally on like
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: a deep moral level and I feel like I just
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: can't really associate myself with certain people for certain reasons.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: But it wouldn't have to do with their style of music,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: if they like going out or not, if they, you know, because...
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of things that to me are quite
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: superficial that don't really matter as far as quote-unquote fitting in.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: And I think that fitting in in high school.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: When it's way more regimented of like this is what
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: you've got to do versus fitting in as an adult
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: also is very different. Then I want you to ask
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: yourself where is there inconsistencies in myself like what I
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: was talking about before? Do you struggle to find a
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: consistent way of being that in your life? Or is
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: there a lot of inconsistencies? I'm this person on this day.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: I'm this person on that day. I behave differently when
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: I'm in front of my parents versus when I'm with
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: my friends versus when I'm like all of, you know,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: the above. So identify where there's inconsistencies. And then I
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself also, like we were talking
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: about before when we were talking about, you know, the
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: clashes between the ideal and the ought, and all of that.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: Get clear on what that looks like. What is your
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: current self? What is your ideal self? And what is
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: the I ought to be version of myself? And the
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: one that I really want you to look into deeply
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: is the ought category.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: Because some of those things are necessary. Some of those
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: things are unnecessary.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: And what I want you to realize that sometimes you'll
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: be so caught up, especially if you've been brought up
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: like this, and it's really hard to just switch off like.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: A fucking switch.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: But sometimes you'll get so caught up feeling that you
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: have to live a certain way by certain standards to
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: impress people or to fulfill other people emotionally that But
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: if it's not you living your authentic self, you will
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: end up feeling lost. You'll feel detached. You'll feel very unfulfilled.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: Your anxiety goes up. Your self-esteem goes down. So it's
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: all well and good that you're living to please somebody else.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: But ultimately, for what?
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Like for what?
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: And if you think that you not doing something is
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: going to disappoint someone so massively, like if I don't
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: do that degree in that particular thing, my parents will
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: be so disappointed. No offense, but whose problem is that?
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: It's ultimately their problem. Because you can say everything you
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: want to say. You can try and explain to them
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: that your happiness is the ultimate success and all of that.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: But if someone can't say past that, there's not much
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: you can do about it. So you have to make
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: the really, really tough decision of liberating yourself or feeling
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: like a prisoner to someone else's expectations for the rest
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: of your life because it's.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: Not going to go away.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: And the interesting thing is the moment you do liberate yourself,
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: a lot of the pain that you thought you'd feel, yeah, okay,
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: you feel bad that, you know, you hurt them even
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: though you didn't actively.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: They hurt themselves by having these expectations. But you feel bad.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: But you also feel your self-esteem goes up, your anxiety
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: goes down. So while all this stuff is happening, while
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: you've got this internal conflict of like I'm trying to
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: be my own thing to myself, you start to feel
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: better and better and better about yourself.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: You liberate yourself. And then you realise all.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: This time I was putting this off for so long
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: and it's changed my life. Living the way that I
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: need to be living has changed my life. I might
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: have quote-unquote disappointed people along the way, but I can
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: tell you right now it's worth it. If deep down
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: you are living a life that you don't want to
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: be living, nothing is worth that, especially if you've got
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: a real opportunity to live a life that.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: You do want to be living. So now as we
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: do this kind.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Of detox for ourselves, or however you want to call it,
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: a cleanse, a spring clean, ask yourself this. What is
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: no longer me? What do I not really align with
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: that I'm pretending to align with just to please people?
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: With the things that I'm doing now, what actually makes
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: me happy and what does not make me happy? Do
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: I pretend to like these things because my friends like
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: these things? And then ask yourself, if I was to
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: stop pretending that I like these things, if I was
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: to stop, quote unquote, trying to fit in instead of
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: just being me and just fitting in because I'm me,
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: would it ruin my friendships? Okay, surprise people, yes, because
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: they're saying a new side of you.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: Fine, fine, that's fine.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: But would it ruin friendships? Because if the answer is yes,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: it's probably not like a real friendship or one that's
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: worth carrying on. And if the answer is, oh, well,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: they'd be surprised, whatever, but no, then what are you
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: waiting for? You know, let's say you're someone that's like, no,
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I'm done partying, but my friends always think that I
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: party so much.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: They love my partying side.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: They're not going to, I mean, if they're a friend,
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: they're going to be like, oh, what a shame that
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: you don't want to go out anymore. Anyway, next, let's
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: go out for dinner.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: Like, they'll be fine.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: People, you'd be surprised how the people that love you
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: will adapt pretty quickly if they have your best interest
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: at heart. If they don't have your best interest at heart,
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: then either A, they drop off or B, they take
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: a while to come around.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: And then hopefully they come around.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: So it's not to say that, oh, you can't accept
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: who I am as my authentic self.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: I'm cutting you out for life.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: But it's kind of saying, well, I'm here to welcome
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: you with open arms when you can come around, but
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to cater to your expectations of me anymore.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: I'm done. Cheers, cunt. Thank you so much. No more. Okay?
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: Maybe don't say that to your parents. They'll probably think
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: it's very aggressive. But that's kind of the vibe that
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: we're going for.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: And then lastly... what I want you to really.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Hone in on is how are you when you are
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: alone or with those people that are closest to you
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: that you never have to second guess what you think,
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: do or say. You can like wear whatever you want,
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: do whatever you want.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: You can, whatever.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: You can sit there in silence, not feel like you
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: have to say something, that person. And if that person
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: doesn't exist in your life for you, it's how you
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: are around your pet or like your favorite animal, right?
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: Like it's this feeling of how am I when I'm
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: just being, when I'm.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: Existing, what do I gravitate towards?
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: What's the music I like to listen to when I
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: don't have to tell people what my favorite song is?
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: That's your authentic choice.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: What's What do I like to eat when I don't
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: have to tell everyone what my favorite food is? That
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: is the food that you like. What do I do
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: in my spare time when nobody is home? You know,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: that kind of thing.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: What kind of.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: genre of book do I like to read when I
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: don't have to tell people what I'm reading? Who cares
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: if it's embarrassing or if you're shy to say it, whatever.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: Those things, who you are, the topics you talk about
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: to the people that are closer to you that you
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: know never judge you, that is a very good indicator
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: of your authentic self. And if you're someone that still
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: hasn't found your passion, lean into those moments, lean into
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: those interests, lean into those conversations. where you're most comfortable.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: And that will start to give you indicators of where
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: you could go further, what you could explore deeper, what
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: topics you might be more interested in. It will give
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: you a really clear indication of, you know, your interests,
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: your passions, your morals, your moral compass, all of these things.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: So spend time in those moments, spend time alone, journal
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: often with the questions that I've asked you today, and
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: also pay very close attention to the people that you
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: know that are living their authentic self. And there's no
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: kind of mystery as to why those people are the happiest.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: Because there's no conflict. There's no internal conflict. The only
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: conflict that exists is one that they don't have to
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: deal with. And it's how they are existing and other
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: people having conflict in their mind being like, but you
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: don't fit in. But like, don't you think people will
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: think this?
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: Don't you think?
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: So the conflict exists outside of themselves. When you live
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: truly your authentic self, there is no conflict.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: None. There's calm. Self-esteem is high. Your confidence is high.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: And because your self-esteem and your confidence is high, your resilience,
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: is higher as well.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: You can put up with things better. You're okay being alone.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: This is a huge one.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: You are okay being alone. You're not afraid to be alone.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: You're not afraid to, you know, you don't think of
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: being alone as being lonely. You enjoy your own company.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: You like who you are. You like what you are
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: about and you like where you're heading. That is what
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: it means to be authentically you. You can do it loudly,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: you can do it quietly, but it's that feeling where
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: there's no internal conflict and that's when you know that
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: you are being authentically yourself. So start to make these
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: little changes, detoxing, identifying the times where you're being someone else,
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: where you're kind of being inconsistent with who you are.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: Stop agreeing when you don't actually agree. Stop fitting into
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: a style when you don't actually. If someone comments on
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: your style and laughs about it, let them. They'll be
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: on to the next thing laughing at something else soon enough.
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: It's fine. No one died. It's fine.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: You know, if you like wearing something but then you thought, oh,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: but then everyone was laughing at me and my friends
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: thought that it was weird so then I went back
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: to wearing.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: Too bad. Go back to wearing what you want to
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: wear because they will get over it.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: And people get over things very quickly when you embrace
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: it very, like when you fully embrace it. If someone,
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: especially someone who is insecure, not calling people mean or
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: bullies or whatever, but maybe they are, but if someone's
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: insecure and And they see you try something new, try
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: something different.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: They'll try and laugh about it.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: They'll try and put you down because it's what a
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: lot of people do to make themselves feel good in
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: the moment. A lot of insecure people do that. A
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: lot of bullies do that. Not every insecure person, but
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: a bully would do that. And if you respond by like, oh, yeah, ha-ha, no,
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: and try and excuse it or justify why you're wearing
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: what you're wearing or why you tried to do something
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: different this time or why you, then they're like, gotcha.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: And then they'll prod, prod, prod, and they've got this
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: power over you. But if you just turn around and say, yep,
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: that's me, and they can say whatever.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: They want, you're like, yep, yep. Nodding.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: Anyway, and then you change the topic. You kind of
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: leave it flat. You're not fueling the fire, okay? So
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: if you're wanting to make a change in your style,
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: in what you like, in how you express yourself, be
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: prepared for there to be some smart comments, some reactions, some,
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: you know, catty remarks.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: Maybe.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: Maybe.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Maybe not.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: You might be pleasantly surprised and it doesn't happen, but
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: just be prepared for it. Because if it happens, then
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: you can be comfortable being like, I knew this was
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: going to happen and I'm okay with it. Because very,
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: very soon you're going to get over it. You're going
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: to forget about it and you're going to be on
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: to the next thing. Your relationships are going to improve tenfold,
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: if not more, when you're being really authentically yourself because
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: you're being honest.
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: You're open.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: You're open to proper communication. You can talk about what
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: works for you and what doesn't work for you. You're
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: not pretending that you're okay with things just because you
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: want to please someone else. You are real about what
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: it is that you're okay with and what it is
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: that you want and what it is that you don't want.
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: That is you living your authentic self. And I wanted
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: to do this episode before the end of the year
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: because I think this is a time where you're going
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: to be spending a lot of time with, family and
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: friends and You know, all these people coming together and
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: this is a really good opportunity to start to, if
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: not make the changes now, to start to really do
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: a big inventory being like, okay, when I'm around all
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: these people, am I still who I really want to be?
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: And if the answer is no, if you're starting to
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: notice these discrepancies in your versions of yourself, then you
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: can be like, all right, I'm learning about myself.
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: I'm aware.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: And then you can kind of take what you've learned
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: from this time. You don't have to make changes. Don't
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: put all the pressure on yourself yet. Take what you've
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: learned and then see where you can make these changes moving.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: Forward after that. So you can really, you know, enter.
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: 2024 with a new perspective on your authentic self and
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: what that means for you. Thank you so much for
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. Here I was being like, oh
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: my God, it's going to be shorter because I'm not
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: doing a brain fact and I'm not doing a listener question.
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: substantially long, not going to lie. Anyway, thanks for staying
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: through till the end. Love you guys so much. As always,
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: please remember, be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone and especially don't take shit
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: from yourself.
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: Danke.