Latest / Enough & Evolving / From Imposter Syndrome to Unshakable Self-Trust with DJ bselecta
Transcript
- Tyona Vallejo: welcome back to the podcast. Today I have a very special guest that I am so honored that she said yes, that she is coming on to chat with us. she is a friend and a former client as well. she's a wife, a mother of three, and an international DJ. You might have heard her before. She specializes in corporate. And her roster of clients includes major brands like NBC, Lululemon, Atleta, L'Oreal, ATT, Direct TV, GQ Magazine. The list goes on and on, y'all. she shared the stage with artists like Teddy Swims, The Counting Crows, Blake Shelton, and Gwen Stefani. what I love, love, love about her is her heart is just beyond. And through her nonprofit work and the Rise event, she's dedicated to building authentic connections using music as a way to bring people together. Please welcome Brandy B Selecta. my goodness. Thank you for being here, gorgeous. My pleasure. That was wonderful. Well, I love hearing about what you're doing in the world. it's so epic. So I thought today it'd be fun just to start by sharing with everyone how you kind of got into DJing. I mean, this is a industry that used to be, it's it's now changing, right? But used to be very masculine, energy and men based. Yep. Definitely male dominated industry. Absolutely. You know, it's incredible because I never in my entire life growing up did I ever even think about being a DJ. Okay. Never. I I grew up in a a tiny place in Canada and I loved music. I loved music from the moment I could remember being alive. I've loved music and I felt just we all I think we all connect with music, most of us. But just it it was like it was my best friend. It was my everything. I I I loved music always, all parts of it. but it wasn't until later in my life after I had already gone through the whole process of what I thought I wanted to be, and then finding out that it wasn't for me. And then being lost, and then sitting outside one night under the stars, you know, a mom at that point with a daughter going, Who am I? Like, I know I'm a mom and that matters, but I also have to hold on to my identity. And it's always been music. And without music, I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? You know? Yeah. And it was, it wasn't like a voice, it was like Aha moment, like an epiphany. And I'll spare you the details of how I got there. But DJing came onto my radar and I started doing the research about being a DJ, about where it started, why it started, how it started. That led me to the history of hip hop, which is an incredible story that I tell everybody that you should look into. The history of hip hop is an incredible story. which led me to touching turntables for the first time. And that was that was it. I was locked after that. Yeah. Done. It was it was for sure my everything. And it just has organically grown into an amazing journey ever since then. That's incredible. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know that it you you came to it even post children after having your kids. It was after having not all of them, but my first daughter, yeah. That's it. Yeah. Absolutely. Became a mom. That's so I was a mom. Yeah. I was a mom. I was a wife. I was fine. Yeah. But I was not fulfilled. Yeah. Yeah. And and that's got nothing to do with my kids or my husband or my life in my home life. Yeah. But we're s we're we're multiple vested people. Yes. We need more than just one area of our life fulfilled. Absolutely. Yeah. And then there was a piece of myself that was That was waiting to get its turn. Yes. And you are so talented at it. I mean, that it's wow. when we first started working together, what was happening at that time in your career and your personal life? Because that was a a while ago, if you can recall that. It was a while ago, but it was the beginning of the Of the best thing that ever happened to me. You were incredible and monumental and changing my life. So when we first started to talk, I was dealing with, you know, my career was starting to really take off. And I was starting to book gigs that were quite high profile. And though that's exciting, it's also a lot of pressure and a lot of stress. Yeah. And so I found myself waking up daily. feeling anxious, just feeling unsure. when I would go do some of my more high profile gigs, I would be almost sick to my stomach with just worry about how it would go and, you know, if I would perform well. so much to the point where I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like it's too much. It is too much pressure. that's a lot of You know, people don't think about that part, but it's it's very real for performers to constantly be feeling, you know, you have a good gig, but you're only as good as the gig you just did. Like the next one is a brand new audition. So it's a lot of pressure. I was having a hard time dealing with that. And the way that I was choosing to process it wasn't healthy. and then I had a personal life, you know, I had regular struggles with past. histories of trauma with the way I grew up and stuff like that. And that was that was lending its effect on all the things I was dealing with, including I think my anxiety with work. So it was kind of a a cumulative. Yeah. It was bubbling underneath Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. And so Even though you were taking off, you were booking these incredible gigs and you were feeling that anxiousness around showing up and the pressure. Mm-hmm. What did it sound like in your mind? Was it like imposter syndrome? What what do you sounded like imposter syndrome and straight up panic? Like First of all, yes. Like I remember when you and I were working together. I had booked a gig in Athens, Greece, and it was a big deal. And I thought to myself, of course, at first I was like, hooray. You know, but after that, all of a sudden, as I got close to the date and the flight, I was thinking to myself, like, my goodness, you know, what if what if they don't have a good time? What if I don't perform the way they expect me to perform? This is not One of those scenarios where you could just chalk it up to the game and be like, well, better luck next time. You know? And then I started thinking, like, who are you to even book this kind of gig? Like they they think you're something you're not. You know, you're just this girl from Canada. Like you're just brandy. Like what why would they even book you for this? And and and can you live up to the persona that they have of you in your in their mind when you know or believe that you are lesser than? It's it and it was just Yeah. Constant. Yeah. Constant. And I would be like, no, it's okay. I try and talk myself out of it, but my stomach hurt, my throat. I felt it in my whole body. And I would just kept trying to suppress it and act like I was cool. But I needed help learning how to actually deal with it and be cool. my goodness. I love how descriptive you were about. You know, talking about first of all what would come up in the body, right? And that when you would notice it, you would try to talk yourself out of it and then suppress it. Right. Yeah. That is what most of us do anytime we feel discomfort, fear, any kind of anxiousness. We just want to, we want it to go away. And so we'll we'll resist it. We'll be like, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And yeah, and you know, that's probably also partly learned, you know, when yeah, you know, I don't know if you're you're Gen X like me or you're mill millennium. Anyway, it's like I'm I'm I think I'm around there. I'm right on the cusp. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was like sucking up buttercup, that's what we kind of learned, right? Like Yeah, or no one's listening anyway. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. And there's there's room, like I get that part also, but I mean there's other parts, you know? Yeah. Well, we need to be able to drop the resistance and welcome the experience of the sensations, the emotions that are happening, allowing it to move through us. And that takes practice. And that's something that I think you and I really worked on together. Well, I'll let you kind of finish the story about that gig in particular. What was what ended up helping you to be able to show up? Well, you you were the one that actually really were you were the first person that told me that step one was to feel it. Where in your body do you feel it? I do that all the time now, but I never thought to do that before. So you taught me to to feel it and and name it and and and where was it. So and then you taught me about how I talked to myself and what I chose to visualize for myself because it's all a narrative. So what narrative are you going to choose? Instead of feeling like a victim of the circumstance, you taught me to First of all, you taught me to be okay with the worst case scenario. Yeah. That was big. Like, really, are you gonna die? I get that it's not ideal for you not to do well in this gig and that that makes you feel uncomfortable. But in the grand scheme of your life, yeah, is it the end? Yeah. No, it's not the end. So at first I learned to feel, then I learned how to see it for what it really was, yeah, instead of making it bigger than what it needed to be. Right. It wasn't life or death, which is what our body is really like alerting us to. Yeah. physical. And so you were able to just welcome the emotion without resisting and and pretending, you know, welcome the feelings and then Tell yourself this is actually not life or death. This is this is totally fine. This is a normal reaction, actually. You're normalizing. We're gonna experience fear. We're gonna fe experience anxiety. We're gonna experience all the emotions in our lives. And so you were making friends with that process. Yes, I was making friends with that process. and making the elephant into something that was way more real. So that helped calm my nervous system down. And then the next step beyond that was now I felt more empowered. You taught me how to be empowered to then visualize what I actually desired the outcome to be instead of spending the entire time while I was waiting to get driven to the space I was going to DJ or something. instead of freaking out about it and thinking of all the things that could go wrong, instead I took a deep breath, I closed my eyes and I imagined everything going right and what that looked like, what that felt like, you know, how excited I was. and so I walked into the space. I I was still nervous. I'm gonna be nervous, but I walked into the space with a much more open energy and a and a and a more positive energy and I think because of that I don't I wasn't blocked. That's what that's what messes especially creatives up is when you're blocked because once you get into a flow state anyone who's a creative knows what flow state means. Once you're in flow, it's not even it's not even you, it's not even your you anymore. It's you're channeling something else and it's magic. And that night was It was magic. It was magic. A friend of mine came to support me and she was literally like it just went so well. And these clients were so happy beyond and it was beyond what I could have expected. And we were both just like blown away. Standing by the Mediterranean Sea, just in tears. It was epic. It was one of the best days of my life. Yeah. And what a gift too that you gave yourself in learning that and practicing it. And now you have that skill for the rest of your life. Absolutely. In everything you do. Yes. But you're and you're not lying though. It takes time. It took time. You didn't just say do this. And I was like, okay. We had to meet on a regular basis for a good amount of time. Yeah. Because it it took a while for that stuff to really click. Yeah. And I can even say sometimes I forget it. Sometimes I'll do I'll go right back to that old way of being panicked. But at least, like you said, I do have the tools now that you have taught me to get myself back. Yes. So good. Yeah. And it's not worth it. Like you really do rob yourself of a lot of joy and a lot of experience. living in that state of panic and worry and fear. It's it's it's unfortunate. Yeah. What do you believe needed to happen? Because you were like again seeking my help to feel more confident in these gigs and not feel that imposter syndrome. What do you what do you think back then you were believing you needed in order for you to be confident? I don't know if I knew what I needed. Yeah. I just knew that I didn't want to feel the way that I was feeling anymore. I didn't know if you could make me confident. I I I used to think that I don't make you anything. Right. Right. I I I felt like I didn't know. Right. That's the truth. I I really did not know. I knew I didn't want to feel the way I felt. Yeah. That's It and I and I needed help. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And you also had talked about how you were waking up kind of feeling anxious and in a panic and dreading the day and all of that. And that is something that is so freaking common that I hear all the time with women. because you know, I work with ambitious women and we put a lot on our plates and we want to do all the things we want to make a all the impact. And it's great, it's fabulous. And it's also we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And so what do you say really helped in working together starting to create more ease in your mornings or more of a feeling of safety in your mornings? I would say that that that was it. It was creating safety. Safety. So that came through me being able to handle the chatter and the narratives that were negative that I was telling myself constantly. Once I was able to curb those, I mean that in and of itself was a huge relief to my system, you know. And then you also showed me how to create structure. That allowed me to see the wins that I have in the day, because we can get really caught up in what we haven't done and feeling like we're failing, which leads to that anxiety. But when you take a step back and someone says, hey, but look at all the things you have done, the little things that matter so much. You have to, we forget those things so fast. and so being able to create the structure that allowed me to have those little wins every day where I could sit down and be like, you know, you did good today. I found that that also really helped in waking up with a lot more peace of mind. Yeah. Yeah, that's huge. That is so huge. And it it takes awareness at first, right? You you didn't even realize. That the stories that you were telling yourself was affecting you. That that is what was happening, right? Not at all. Zero percent. So for the woman that is like, okay, that sounds great. How do I get there? what would you even say to her to help her to stop, you know, getting on that train of shitty thoughts? my goodness. Well, there was something that you taught me that we talked about that really was was influential in changing how I processed things. And that was asking myself, is this really true? Do you know this for sure? And for sure isn't like probably it makes the most sense. It I mean, there's a lot of evidence that supports it. It no, it's like, do you know this for sure? Do you know for sure that they have this idea of you that you can't live up to? Is that someone did they tell you that on the phone? Or are you telling yourself that in your mind? Because there's so many things that I felt I knew for sure. Yeah. So when you challenged me on that, like, how do you know for sure? How do you know that for sure? And I was like, well, because I mean, what else could it be? You know, and fair enough, what else could it be? But that's still not for sure. Right. So I would tell the person that's wants first of all, we all do it more than we know. And it causes so much strife and struggle in your life. And it's unnecessary. It's unnecessary. And also you're wrong about more than you think you're wrong about. That was woo. That was that once you really started getting down to the nitty-gritty. So you told me to ask myself if I knew for sure. Yeah. Is this real? For sure, is this the truth? Yeah. And if it's not the truth, you gave me options. The options were to either at go to the source and ask and get the truth. Yeah. So you know for sure. Right. Or put a big fat question mark over top of it and and understand that. You don't know. Right. Period. We're gonna leave it at I don't know. Yeah. Right. Or you said, and I love this part, or if you're gonna tell yourself a lie, tell yourself a better lie that makes you feel good about the situation instead of the worst case scenario that makes you feel worse about the situation. Right. Because it's a lie either way. So you might as well lie that makes yourself feel good. Yeah. You might as well tell yourself that lie. So That I would say is that I live by that creed now. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I live by that. All day long. All day long. Everybody. The same thing you were saying with this could go wrong, this could go wrong, this can go wrong. And instead of you know, focusing on that, you shifted and went, Well, all this could actually go right too. Yes. Yeah. Same. It's the same energy. It's got the same validity. You know, it's the same. So what's your choice? Yeah. And that was such a good lesson. That was such a good it it changed my life. It changed my life because there was one particular situation I was dealing with that dated all the way back to when I was a little girl and I had to do with my dad. And I was hurting a lot about what I thought my dad felt about me or didn't feel about me based on the stories I told myself. Based on the things I thought were fact. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so I gave you a list of behaviors that reinforce this narrative. Yeah. And they were good examples. You didn't contest the fact that they were good examples, but you said, but what if that's not the reason? Yeah. You know, I tell I told myself he he doesn't love me. And you were like, but what if that's not the reason why all these things? Yeah. And I remember saying to you, like, well, what else could it be? Yeah. And your mind was deducing that his actions were making it mean that he doesn't love you. But that was an assumption in your mind that you had come up with a calculation based on his actions when in actuality you had no idea. No idea. But to me, it's like, what else could it be? You know, what else could the answer be? That's all points to this one thing. But you challenged that and you said, okay, but what if that's not why? Yeah. And I was like, what? No one had ever challenged that before because I don't talk to a lot of but I you know what I mean? Like I've never been challenged about them before. And some of these things, yeah, are pretty deep and they're just kind of like in the background, always playing. It's like not you it's not something you bring up in a coffee chat with dinner friends. It's like, yes what? I think my dad doesn't really love me. I know. No, but but but but we all have those really hurtful stories, you know? Totally. And and we hold I've held I've held on to that for so long. Yeah. For so long. And you know what, Ty? I'll be honest, I haven't even asked him yet, like asked him. But I put a big fat question mark instead. And what that did is it changed the energy I brought to our conversations and the lens with which I took his words. Cause I already had my mind made up. Everything he said reinforced it. Everything he did reinforced it. Right. But as soon as I let go of that and said, you know what, I really don't know. Everything felt different because I didn't put the the tens on it. I didn't put my own stuff on it. Yeah. And I can tell you now without even asking him. Our relationship has changed so much. I've opened up to him about other things. And I know the exact opposite is true. The truth is my dad loves me so much. He loves me so much. And that is that's so much better. That feels so much you gave yourself. Well just by questioning that though, that's so huge. You know? I just and I'll tell you, ladies and gentlemen, when you start doing this, yeah, you're going to see how many stories people tell them. So you're gonna see you're gonna be like, dang, it's everyone, it's all the time, it's everywhere. You know? It's and I just want everybody to know. I want everybody to do this. I want everybody in the world to do this. Yes, I know. And you are now using your platform to share this mindfulness. I want to hear more about that. How we're seeing how this work has completely changed you, how it has affected your relationships, how it has changed how you feel about yourself. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And the world around me. Yes. And so tell us about Rise. Yes. Okay. So Rise. How did Rise come about? The same way DJing came about. It was a it was a download. So I was doing breath work, which I had never really done before, but it can be very, very interesting. Yeah. So I was doing my second time doing a breath work session. And all of a sudden I saw like this whole reel play in my head of what right I the name, the way it looks, what it's supposed to be. A little bit prior to that, just to give context, I was watching TV and there was a yoga happening on a rooftop and there was a DJ. And I was like, that's very cool. Yeah. I would love to DJ yoga on a rooftop. But I wanna play hip hop because I'm a hip hop head. Yeah. And I don't I never came across that before. Yoga to most deaf or to Nas or to Tribe or to Erica Badu. And I was like, I would go to that. I would love that. So I always had it in my spirit, like I'm gonna I'm gonna DJ a yoga event. Yeah. One day and I'm gonna play hip hop. And I would reach out to these organizations and no one ever booked me. So and that's fine. everything happens for a reason because then I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna do my own yoga event. Yeah. You know, and and and I by that time I had known you, I had been introduced to all of these modalities that have changed my life so much that I just wanted to share all that information with people. Yep. But I knew that, you know, a lot of people didn't know and and and maybe wouldn't come if. If it was too much, if that makes sense. Like I wanted to create a space and an event where both men and women came because it was cool. Right. And then kind of not got tricked, but was like once they walked into the space, they were being healed and they didn't even know it. You know? Like so I sold them on this idea of hip hop yoga. You know, this is a hip hop yoga event. We got some. Juice vendors, you know, it's healthy. Come, you know. And then we hit him with breath work. We hit him with your coaching. We hit him with you know, mindset and a little meditation. And people were having these amazing experiences, you know, and and didn't even know that that's what they were showing up for. So that was the birth of the rise event. It was a hip hop wellness event. Yeah. And it was cool. Hundred people, we sold out 100 tickets to a hip hop yoga event. And now everybody is doing wellness events with DJs playing fun music. And I love it. I love it. I'm like, do it. Everybody do it. Because the more people that walk into this space of wellness and holistic healing and just being in community with each other, that's that's That's it for me. That's all I want for everybody. Let's just, let's just feel better. Let's just care about each other. so it's been a it's been the best thing I could ever imagine doing with my music because I always wanted to have purpose. Yeah. I love music. I love making people happy and dance and and shake the booties. Yeah. But I want there to be a deeper purpose in in the work that I do. And Rise gave me that opportunity to create something that went even deeper. And it it was beautiful to watch, truly. Yeah, you were branching to kids. I know. So what was the latest you know, what was the latest event that you did? I know you were doing it at a school or you're I because you've always talked about that, that you want to bring this to school age. And I think this is brilliant. I think we our kids need this kind of you know, knowledge and hope and Just fun. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. So when I first started RIDES, I wasn't involved deeply in the middle school system. but after I started RISE, I became the PTO president of my daughter's middle school. So I got immersed. So I understood the adult need for some healing and wellness, but I I wasn't tapped into kids. Once I became the president of the middle school, PTO. And I was with these kids all the time and I was seeing their day to day life and what they talk about, what they value, what they struggle with. I was seeing what the teachers were dealing with, the fights at the school and what they were about. I thought, my gosh, these babies need us. And I'm telling everybody in the world, eleven, twelve, thirteen year olds, all kids need us, but eleven, twelve, thirteen year olds. really need us because it is a transformative three years of their life, not just emotionally, socially, but neurologically, like all in all the ways they are going through a lot. And the world for them is hard. World is hard, I get it. Yeah. But it we've never lived this world that they've lived. They are under with all the tech stuff that's out there. Yeah. You can see it. It's like they know it is too much for them. They know it's making them feel awful, but they don't know how to process it, get it to go away, deal with it. Like they're just they're addicted and they don't know how to help. Not surprising. I mean, that's engineered with the same, technology as the casinos use. So of course. It's incredible. People are addicted and especially our babies that their brains haven't even fully formed yet. And yeah, no. No. it's an emergency situation, y'all. I really am not trying to be that kind of person, but it really is. So what we decided to do was take the premise of rise, which is using wellness modalities to help people feel empowered in the choices that they make. To make themselves feel better. The exact same way you taught me how to choose differently for myself and the way that I think, the way that I process my feelings, the way that I interact with the rest of the world. We took those exact same premises. Our tagline is the choice is yours. We use music and fun and break dancing. We try and do a cool factor so that the kids are like, This is cool. Yeah. Yeah. right? But then we need their attention there. Yeah. We need their attention. But then we try and go deep on how they talk to themselves, how they talk to others, jealousy, comparing themselves, social media, how they're consuming it. It it is there's there's too many topics to cover in one assembly, but we did our best. And I was able to sit with the kids and get some feedback. And man on man, these kids were like, We want you to go deeper. Children said to me, We want you to go deeper. Wow. And they were like the dancing's fun, but we want you to go deeper. And I was like, really? Deeper into what? And they said social media. gosh. I just got whole body chills. Yeah. They're looking for help. They're looking for help. So Rise for Teens is getting launched. the assembly in May was a pilot. We're using the feedback from the kids to do some tweaking. We're getting our website built. We have a a video to share. And then we're just hoping that every school district everywhere can at least get a chance to see what we do. Because we would love to teach and talk to as many kids as we can about how they have a choice and how they can empower themselves to feel better by making better choices. I just love that. my goodness. You're doing amazing things, Brandy. I'm so proud of you. The world really, really is so Blessed to have you in it. And I'm so grateful that you spent time with us today and that you shared some of your experience with coaching and mindfulness and all this fun things. There's one question that I love to give at the end of each of my podcast interviews, and goes along with the name of the podcast. The name of the podcast is Enough and Evolving. And so I'm curious what does feeling enough and evolving mean to you at this stage in your life? It means everything. That is literally everything. That's everything, knowing that you are perfectly enough and to always welcome. Your evolution because it's there and it's for you, and the world is beautiful, even if it's hard. So, yeah, enough and evolving is everything. Everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for being here. And thank you to the listeners. Thank you so much for hanging out with us. Remember, you are enough and you are evolving. See you next week.