Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Many Avoidant Partners Would Be Relieved If You Initiated Divorce

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Many Avoidant Partners Would Be Relieved If You Initiated Divorce · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about how to avoid
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  and partners would frequently be relieved.
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  If you initiate a divorce, despite what more preoccupied.
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  Partners may think before that, please do subscribe, my most
• 0:20
  recent subscriber episode was about generalizing and I've told
• 0:24
  you that at the beginning of every episode so far for a few
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  days. So hopefully you just suck it up
• 0:31
  and subscribe because you have a lot of good content there.
• 0:35
  Okay, so what do I mean by avoidant Partners?
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  Well, what do I mean by avoiding Partners?
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  You should know that already refer back to the attachment
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  style podcast and very I have a void and wives and avoiding
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  husband. So I mean everything about
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  avoidant people is in my podcast already.
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  But what do I mean by avoidant Partners would be relieved if
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  you initiated divorce? Well shit, I mean, let's look at
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  what avoidance means. They do not like to connect, you
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  know? Like they don't want to need I
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  really don't want to be dependent and they don't really
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  want to be close in in, in the way that particularly, they're
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  preoccupied partner wants them to be closed, which they find to
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  be stultifying, overwhelming, and stressful.
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  So the reality is that, while some avoiding Partners would be,
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  you know, and many may be upset that they're having marital
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  conflict. Most people are upset to be
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  having marital conflict unless you're a sociopath the idea.
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  One of leaving after years of marital conflict would not be as
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  upsetting to avoiding people, as it is too preoccupied people.
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  This should not be a shock because their main, their main
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  trade is that they deny and really don't feel deeply.
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  The, the they don't feel that romantic relationships are that
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  important, and they don't like to be constantly around somebody
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  particularly somebody who wants something from them, emotionally
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  or sexually. So this last part about sexually
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  is why I avoided women may be particularly relieved if their
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  husbands initiate divorce because the void men still like
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  having sex with the woman, if that's what they're doing and
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  also avoided man are less likely to be highly sensitive and
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  highly sensitive women or I mean I guess I shouldn't say that
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  both genders can be highly sensitive but women have more
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  from what I've seen of the hatred of noise and the
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  intolerance of noise. And like kind of bustle and
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  stress coupled with a desire to put themselves in that
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  situation, which maybe the men have the same aversion to noise
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  but they just don't put themselves in the situation.
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  So for example a guy may have you know a lot of sensory issues
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  around noise and just be like I am going you know into the other
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  room from the children they're just going to be here bickering
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  with each other and watching TV. Whereas the mother and women do
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  more frequently have anxiety and depression will.
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  More likely castigate herself from leaving from for the desire
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  to leave the children in one room while she goes into the
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  other one. So she's highly sensitive and
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  she can't stand noise and she's forcing herself to stay in the
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  situation. Well, that's not going to be
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  good, right? So the reality is, is that when
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  highly sensitive women also have a void, an attachment, they kind
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  of hate being at home, you know, with the children.
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  They love the children, but the children are super stressful.
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  So it's interesting because they frequently do a lot better when
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  they're cold. Parenting.
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  Then, you know, then than would be expected or than they would
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  have expected because they get a break from the kids.
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  So they get a break from the kids, so they can kind of
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  recharge and then they're back in the game and they can parent
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  solo without anybody telling them what to do and without
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  having to give the partner attention or engage with him or
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  anything that she didn't want to do to begin with.
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  So the women that I see that really find divorce to be Of a
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  lot better for their families for their mental health.
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  And and for even the children are the ones where they were
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  constantly in marital conflict with a preoccupied attachment
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  husband, who was always kind of following them around like
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  wanting to connect to them, which was super stressful and
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  they have multiple small children.
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  So they the noise and the overwhelm was really, really
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  hard for them and they couldn't get away from it.
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  So in these situations, the woman does not want to initiate.
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  It divorce because then she'd be the bad guy but or and she
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  sometimes thinks that the man will make the divorce very hard
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  you know, that he will go after her and some way or accuse her
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  of cheating or try to take, you know take more money than he
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  should or something. The avoidant women, by the way,
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  are also the women who frequently want to move out of
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  the marital home and into an apartment so they don't want to
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  keep the house. They didn't like the house.
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  They the avoid and highly sensitive woman.
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  Really just wants to be done with the Whole thing and
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  basically, go back to something that's like a dorm in a way, you
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  know, like an apartment where things are taken care of, you
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  don't have to deal with things breaking.
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  You move in people, take care of, you know, whatever needs to
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  be fixed. You don't have that much to shop
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  for, maybe the kids split a room at the max.
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  It's a three-bedroom at the minimum, it's a one-bedroom you
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  know you sleep on the couch I've seen this happen.
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  A lot with people where the woman is the avoidant highly
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  sensitive partner and she just wants to get out of Dodge.
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  This whole family, life thing really didn't work out and she
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  will frequently say, I don't want to get remarried and I like
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  doing things my way. My time with the kids is a lot
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  less stressful. My time without the kids is way
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  less stressful and I don't have any more marital conflict,
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  obviously, nor do I, particularly feel like dating
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  and if I do, it's only very, very casually, very
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  infrequently. So, it begs the question, you
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  know, that if everything's going to go better including the, the
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  Lunch for me, always, ethically is no conflict in front of the
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  children. If there's a situation where
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  you're like, holy shit, this describes, my wife to a tee and
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  again, it's more avoiding women that act like this than men
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  because he avoided men. A couple things, I'll talk about
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  that first. So the avoided men they're much
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  more facts based and they stick in the realm of facts versus
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  feeling. So they're the ones who know
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  exactly how much money they're going to lose in this divorce
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  and how much time with kids they're going to lose the kids.
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  Don't really bother them as much as they bother you.
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  No. Hi.
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  Lee sensitive woman, you know who feels that again, as I
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  described, she has to be there with them.
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  Constantly engaging, even when she cannot, he feels like he
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  wants to be with his kids. He wants to have sex with the
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  woman frequently, whether or not, that's still happening,
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  sometimes he's holding out, hope avoiding people.
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  Do have hope and that domain and in all domains, they're not
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  feeling less, they're just less likely to show vulnerable
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  feelings. And he also doesn't want to be
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  crushed financially, which is kind of where his mind goes.
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  Practically speaking. He's the one who's going to be
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  talking about two households and like the radius and where I'm
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  going to drive and blah blah blah and so he doesn't want to
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  rock the boat but the avoid attachment woman.
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  Similarly doesn't want to rock the boat but also she is the one
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  who's going to do a lot better in case of a separation.
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  So what should you do? Oh, and that's not to say the
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  avoid a man is a good to do. Well he will and he'll probably
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  date not remarry, maybe not remarry some remarry anyway but
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  date for longer and then men me remarry more than women do.
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  By the way, I think I've told you that statistic before, but
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  anyway, he will date. He will do a lot of his Hobbies.
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  He will realize that women, find him attractive.
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  All these various things I talked about in the podcast or
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  the video about how Almond fair after divorce.
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  But anyway, he won't feel the relief generally that the woman
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  feels because to the woman she's getting away from somebody
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  hounding her and the noise and the chaos of the family unit,
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  which she feels. So guilty saying she wants to
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  get away from but she really does.
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  So then it begs the question. Why would you want to stay in a
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  relationship or somebody would be relieved if you initiated
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  divorce? Well, because you were keeping
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  on? Holding out hope that is going
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  to change and that somehow you're going to stop fighting
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  all the time and you're going to reconnect.
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  And this person's going to love you in the way that you want to
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  be loved and all of this. And sometimes that can happen
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  and couples counseling can help. But it is really something to be
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  thinking about if you've been deeply unhappy for years or even
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  decades, there's conflict in front of the children or in a
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  best-case scenario. They're seeing a bickering
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  Loveless marriage and you're avoiding partner wants pretty
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  much nothing to do with you. It really makes you think that
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  maybe y'all just should have, should have like a very open
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  discussion about the pros and cons of staying together.
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  Avoiding people love discussions that are not emotional, you
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  know? So you want to make it a very
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  fact-based pros and cons discussion.
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  Literally, if you say something like, you know, if we were to
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  separate, I would want 50% custody and I would give you
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  50%, or you would take or however it would be divided,
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  fifty percent of the assets. Whatever the child support
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  formula was, you know, many avoidant, people will waive,
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  child, support, and alimony in the states that have alimony
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  because these women do not want any and men.
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  Now, there's more and more men who need to have alimony because
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  women outer in them. But avoiding people do not want
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  to take any of your stuff. You know, in the same way, they
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  don't want to have a, they'll take, you know, the money
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  certainly the friend, the beginning, but they don't have
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  some ongoing Arrangement frequently.
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  They just want to start out. Out on their own again.
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  Because remember their entire personality, their entire
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  attachment style is predicated on Independence.
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  So that's why most women that I interact with that.
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  Have avoidant attachment. They do not want any alimony.
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  They are saying, okay, we may close to enough money, we don't
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  need child, support, whatever. We'll just split all the
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  obligations and it's done. Many of them are staying because
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  they are terrified that the preoccupied attachment.
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  And we'll make a divorce and to Hell on Earth and will alienate
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  her from her kids or will take all of her money or something.
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  And if you have a sit-down discussion and you say, in the
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  case of a divorce, you know, I am not going to do anything bad
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  to you. That would only hurt our
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  children. I'm not going to blame you
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  publicly. I am not going to humiliate you
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  in any way. And I don't want it to happen,
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  but if it does happen, I am going to be, you know, gracious
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  about it. And hopefully we can amicably
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  co-parent. These are the kind of
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  conversations that can really take a lot of the anxiety away
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  from the avoiding person such that they may be able to say,
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  yes, that sounds good and if somebody's going to say, yes,
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  that sounds good. I mean, shit, why are you
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  staying in that marriage? You know, you might as well go
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  find somebody that loves you. Particularly again, if the
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  children have been picking up on extended conflict and
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  difficulty, you know, and I mean if there were no children then
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  you would have been added relationship anyway.
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  But as long as You can ethically say that you have tried your
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  hardest. You have gone to couples
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  counseling, you've tried another couples counselor, people
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  usually come to me after they've seen multiple couples
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  counselors, you know. So if you've tried your best and
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  something on the outskirts of your, you know, Consciousness
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  and or listening to this podcast, makes you realize that
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  the only reason that your spouse may be staying with you is
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  because they're terrified that like you would make it a
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  contentious divorce. Well I mean you know is that a
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  way to Live. But you probably let me should
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  never make a contentious divorce for the sake of your children.
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  Children have lasting trauma about this, I see them like 30
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  years later and therapy telling me how horrible their parents
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  divorce was. So don't be that person.
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  That leads to your kids doing that if you can do things
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  amicably and it would be a relief to your partner and the
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  icing on the cake. Is there going to be a better
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  person and parent because they get some breaks like Really
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  people don't realize like what actually happens until they're
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  living it, which is that you don't have your kids every other
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  weekend. So you can Cobble together ways
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  to see your kids. Like, if you have an amicable
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  divorce kids do more activities than, you know anybody so you
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  can see them at every damn thing that they do over the weekend.
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  If you got multiple kids, you could offer to drive them here
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  or there. Like, you know, you can pretty
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  much see them all all like, everyday, if you really wanted
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  to and you had a very amicable, Isabel divorce, where you lived
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  close, some people can do that but some people that are more
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  avoided whole up on the weekends without the kids and recharge
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  and do some hobbies. And like you know, and I'm not
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  saying by the way of course that everybody can see their kids
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  every day. I'm not stupid, but I'm saying,
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  there's a very wide spectrum of involvement, even with 50/50
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  custody but the more avoidant people tend to intelligently use
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  that time. Avoid in highly sensitive people
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  rather use that time to recharge so that they are on their A-game
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  when they see their kids, again, you know, and then they can pair
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  it in the way they want. And they can have all their
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  ducks in a row and they can do things at the time that they
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  want. And in the ways that they want
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  and have a coping strategies that they want.
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  And also, they just had a break, so they're really able to deal
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  with the noise and the chaos a lot better.
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  So it's interesting because I work with lots of divorced
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  people and they all have these different Arrangements.
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  Some people are always going and seeing the co-parent of the
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  soccer games and they're trying to get as much time as they can
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  with seeing the kids. But there are some people that
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  are whether it's consciously or not really making the most of
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  their recharge time. And these people usually end up
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  much better parents than they were in the marriage because in
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  the marriage not only with their marital conflict but they could
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  never get away. They could just never get away
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  from the whole family structure including A partner who always
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  wanted more attention from that. There's a partner, who wanted
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  more attention, the kids, who wanted more attention.
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  They couldn't parent in the way that they wanted to parent
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  because of the other partner, being some sort of bottleneck,
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  wanting to do things their way to.
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  So sometimes it could be a much different situation.
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  So if you are in a situation where you have constant
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  conflict, you've tried couples counseling, you've tried all
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  these things, nothing works. You may want to have a sit-down
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  discussion and say, it's any of you just staying in this because
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  you think that I will make a divorce difficult if so I won't
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  you. No.
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  And some people have those conversations and couples
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  counseling and it could be really life-changing obviously
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  very pragmatically life-changing.
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  And as much as it frees the partner to move forward and in
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  those situations again it's usually for the best that two
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  people that are very very you know, incompatible and in
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  constant conflict and wanting things from the other that the
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  other can never give and have tried numerous ways of repairing
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  and coming together and compromise it with no.
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  Fact. I mean, then that, that is a
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  situation where it's often a best-case scenario for the
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  reasons I described as well as generally, for the Fulfillment
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  of both people. And for the children, not to be
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  around a difficult relationship, which is very, very upsetting
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  for children. All right.
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  Well, I hope that this gave you something to think about not an
• 15:43
  uplifting topic, but a topic that is important, nonetheless
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  and I will talk to you all soon. Please do subscribe.