Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Partner Refuses To Do Sexual Things That She Used To Do (With You Or With Prior Partners)

Transcript

When Your Partner Refuses To Do Sexual Things That She Used To Do (With You Or With Prior Partners) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today I'm going to do a
• 0:10
  subscriber request of. What do you do when, or explain
• 0:16
  the phenomenon or just really commiserate with one?
• 0:20
  You are partner has taken something sexual off the table
• 0:24
  that they used to do with you or relatedly.
• 0:26
  These things whereas separately, but they're very related or when
• 0:30
  a partner says that used to do something with somebody else
• 0:32
  with a prior partner that they do not want to do with you.
• 0:35
  So these things are related in that you no longer get to do or
• 0:38
  perhaps never get to do something that you yearn for.
• 0:41
  And before we dive into that topic, I want to tell everybody
• 0:45
  to subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode.
• 0:48
  I think it's coming out. The next one is about sex.
• 0:53
  I've had said that it would be if you weren't listening in
• 0:56
  order, it was time to do a sex one.
• 0:58
  And this one is about how intercourse is fucking up your
• 1:02
  sex life and so I was real proud of that title.
• 1:04
  So, So just if you want to hear how people stick to intercourse
• 1:10
  and the boringness and monotony of that, how it can really
• 1:14
  sabotage you from having actually good sex life at all
• 1:18
  then subscribe to hear that one. So now we're going to turn to
• 1:23
  this idea of when a partner take something off the table and or
• 1:27
  whether that is in midlife, in the middle of your relationship
• 1:31
  or even at the beginning of your relationship.
• 1:33
  So let's explore both of these separately.
• 1:35
  First of all, how do you even know that somebody used to do
• 1:38
  something with somebody else so they didn't do with you?
• 1:40
  Yeah. You're supposed to talk about
• 1:41
  exes. I told you that you want to
• 1:43
  learn everything about somebody but this is just a PSA if you
• 1:47
  are the idiot who is saying, yeah, you said you anal all the
• 1:51
  time with my boyfriend, Bob and college but then I realized I
• 1:55
  don't really like it. I realized that after we had
• 1:57
  done it for a bunch of years though.
• 1:59
  So like I never want to try that with you although I did with Bob
• 2:02
  probably like, you know, three hundred times.
• 2:05
  Why would you say this right? I mean like this is just like
• 2:09
  not tactful as I said in the podcast about asking about exes
• 2:13
  or about being honest or somewhere.
• 2:15
  I said don't be an asshole. You know like it you can lie and
• 2:19
  tell your wife that she looks good in a dress as long as she's
• 2:21
  not going to go get photographed for a magazine in it.
• 2:24
  You know, like don't tell your husband or your wife.
• 2:30
  I mean it usually doesn't go in that situation.
• 2:31
  I've never heard of a man being like, yeah, I used to tie up my
• 2:34
  college girlfriend. All the time she really liked it
• 2:36
  but I refuse to do that in this marriage.
• 2:38
  You know. That just doesn't happen but but
• 2:43
  you know, like don't if you never want to do something
• 2:46
  again, right? Don't tell your partner.
• 2:49
  You used to do it like no shit and then if you're like, oh that
• 2:53
  I really want to be honest, girl, I commend that.
• 2:56
  Then do it. The do the thing with your
• 2:58
  partner. Like it's so easy.
• 3:00
  You'd be like, I used to like anal all the time with Bob
• 3:02
  toward the end of our anal Adventure.
• 3:04
  I realized I did it like, It that much but you know what?
• 3:06
  I love you and if you want to try it on my up for it then
• 3:09
  fine. You know.
• 3:10
  But like you can't have it both ways.
• 3:13
  Can't have a free lunch so you can both be honest and also be
• 3:17
  adored for your honesty when your honesty is telling the man
• 3:21
  that you're with that, he's never going to get to try
• 3:23
  something that you did with somebody else.
• 3:24
  So like this situation should not happen at all but let's say
• 3:29
  that it does happen. Well then as the person I'm just
• 3:32
  going to use the man because I've really legit For heard a
• 3:35
  woman come in and be like, he used to do all this crazy shit
• 3:37
  in bed with prior Partners, but he won't do it with me.
• 3:40
  Like that has never happened in my experience.
• 3:43
  I am just one person though, perhaps this happens in the rest
• 3:45
  of the world. I'm doubting it happens very
• 3:47
  often but anyhow. So if you are the guy and she
• 3:53
  says all the stuff, then what you could say is that really
• 3:56
  hurts my feelings. I would like to try it too, you
• 3:59
  know, there's a lot of things I've done with you that I've
• 4:01
  never done with anyone else. Like have these fucking children
• 4:03
  that are here in our house. And or get married and or have a
• 4:08
  mortgage or whatever the fuck. And so I would like you to maybe
• 4:11
  try to get outside your comfort zone and try this with me
• 4:13
  especially because you used to try it with him.
• 4:15
  So for the rest of our life, I'm going to think.
• 4:17
  Did she like Bob stick better than she likes mine and that's
• 4:20
  not gonna be a happy thought for me.
• 4:22
  So don't suck it up and just sit there and soak for 20 years,
• 4:25
  which sounds like an over estimate, but it's not.
• 4:29
  I literally work with people that have soaked over things
• 4:31
  like this for 20 years, say it, like, right away.
• 4:35
  If you have missed the window to say it right away, say it today.
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  Like the saying, the best time to plant a tree was 10 years
• 4:40
  ago, second best time is today. So today you could say, you
• 4:44
  know, ten years ago when you said, you used to have all that
• 4:46
  anal with Bob at you then learned through that that you
• 4:49
  never want to try it again. I'm actually not cool with that.
• 4:53
  I never was cool with that. I think about that probably you
• 4:56
  know once or twice a week for the past 10 years it's become
• 5:00
  this thing in my mind. I understand that that's not
• 5:03
  healthy. Maybe I really ought to explore.
• 5:05
  It. But also, it's kind of a ship
• 5:06
  move to tell me that. Because what if I had said to
• 5:09
  you, for example, I used to be super romantic with my college
• 5:13
  girlfriend. I would write her poems and I
• 5:16
  would like get her flowers. I would rub her feet but then I
• 5:19
  realized through a process of deep Evolution and
• 5:21
  self-actualization that I don't like doing those things.
• 5:24
  And that's why you haven't got a foot rub for me in 10 years.
• 5:27
  No, like, you know, so the other thing that you need to think
• 5:30
  about always because some people write in to me they're like,
• 5:34
  hey, can you make my Give me more blow jobs.
• 5:36
  I'm like man. If I could do that, would I be
• 5:38
  recording? These podcasts at least would I
• 5:40
  not be recording them from a yacht and the French Riviera?
• 5:43
  I would be making like so much money because that's cool magic.
• 5:46
  There was a Twilight Zone episode about a love potion, I
• 5:49
  don't have that. So basically when you're
• 5:52
  thinking about how you could change your partner, this is
• 5:55
  often a Fool's errand because you can't change anybody but
• 5:57
  yourself and so you got to think about.
• 6:00
  Am i setting my partner up to be in the best possible situation
• 6:04
  such that they would want. To get out of their comfort zone
• 6:06
  with me. So in the prior example, let's
• 6:09
  say that you are a guy whose wife complains about him not
• 6:12
  being romantic or not being emotionally present or not
• 6:15
  anything else. Well like, why would she try to
• 6:19
  do something potentially uncomfortable that you already
• 6:22
  think she doesn't like and, you know, this relates to having
• 6:25
  done it with you. Previously, we can get to that
• 6:27
  in-depth in a second. But why would she try something
• 6:30
  new if you don't try something new, I have a post called.
• 6:33
  If you're more open-minded, outside the bedroom.
• 6:35
  Your wife will be more open-minded inside the bedroom,
• 6:38
  unless your wife is a sociopath which is very low odds.
• 6:41
  You know, you probably only think that because your math,
• 6:43
  but no, but for real unless you're ripe sociopath if you're
• 6:46
  nice to her, she's gonna be nice to you and that's literally it
• 6:51
  most people though. Want a free lunch.
• 6:53
  It's just human nature. So most people want to not
• 6:56
  really change how they act with their wife, but yet have their
• 6:59
  wife say, Hey, you know, I just had a good idea about doing anal
• 7:01
  like I used to do with Bob man. That's not going to happen.
• 7:04
  I have A bridge to sell you. If you think there's any podcast
• 7:07
  that can make that happen. But if you're proactive and
• 7:11
  you're working on, whatever the hell her problem is with you
• 7:14
  because she's always got one. It's a relationship.
• 7:17
  You're not perfect. You're probably pretty annoying
• 7:19
  in many ways. Same as she is.
• 7:21
  So you if you really work on yourself, then maybe when you
• 7:26
  couple this with actually being open and real and vulnerable, EG
• 7:31
  the statement that I gave you about how this Angel thing with
• 7:33
  Bob is really bothered you You know, she may well try it, she
• 7:37
  really meant. And I've seen things like that
• 7:39
  happen within couples counseling where people say, you know what,
• 7:42
  my partner's trying so hard to change.
• 7:44
  Abby, I'm gonna try to change too now.
• 7:47
  What about the situation where you are wife has taken something
• 7:50
  sexual off the table that she used to do.
• 7:53
  Well, this is not a unique situation.
• 7:56
  This is called monogamy, I write about it break a thousand times
• 7:59
  on my blog and this is just the normal trajectory of a sex life,
• 8:03
  you know? I mean people, Do a whole bunch
• 8:05
  of shit at the beginning when their hormones are racing and
• 8:08
  their adrenaline is racing, it seems like a real good idea to
• 8:11
  give you head and you know, bathroom of a party and then you
• 8:14
  know, life happens. You have kids her hormones tank,
• 8:18
  you're no longer novel and she realizes things.
• 8:21
  She doesn't really like giving blowjobs out much anywhere.
• 8:24
  So this is this is not an unusual situation.
• 8:27
  However, you're going to be much more likely to be in a situation
• 8:30
  where she's like, literally, I will never give you a blowjob
• 8:33
  again. If she thinks that you're Huge
• 8:35
  prick. And if you are a huge break,
• 8:38
  then that would be the thing to work on first.
• 8:40
  There is no situation that I see, no man that comes into me,
• 8:44
  that thinks that, he's like awesome, Stellar husband.
• 8:46
  He deserves all the blow jobs that he want that his wife
• 8:49
  agrees. I'm not seen it happen because
• 8:53
  they're the sort of person who does not think that they can
• 8:57
  improve is a difficult, stubborn person.
• 9:00
  So, first clear the runway if you're going to go to couples
• 9:03
  counseling, I say this all the time.
• 9:05
  I'm to my own financial detriment and that of my
• 9:07
  colleagues. Try to expedite the process,
• 9:10
  right? Try to do as much work on your
• 9:13
  own before you get into couples counseling.
• 9:16
  Do a real deep dive. Say, I'm asking my wife to get
• 9:19
  outside our comfort zone. She said, you know what?
• 9:22
  Now That I'm Older, I've realized blowjobs are a tool of
• 9:25
  the patriarchy, and I'm done. Yeah.
• 9:27
  Okay. You could say nothing I could do
• 9:28
  to destroy the whole patriarchy and, you know, in between work
• 9:31
  and taking the kids to Little League, however, which he may
• 9:34
  mean by Is also also, you're a huge prick, but she doesn't want
• 9:38
  to like, get into some sort of big fight right now, we do have
• 9:41
  to get to Little League Etc. So you have to do a really
• 9:44
  objective self inventory. And you have to say, am I the
• 9:47
  sort of guy and I have a podcast about this?
• 9:49
  Do I deserve the marriage I say I deserve?
• 9:52
  Do you deserve the woman who no longer has any biological desire
• 9:57
  to give you head to give you head?
• 9:59
  Do you deserve that? Are you being the guy who gets
• 10:02
  outside your own Comfort Zone? On a Euler basis for your wife
• 10:06
  or can you be argumentative, difficult sulky, stubborn,
• 10:11
  Devil's, Advocate, and all sorts of other frustrating irritating
• 10:17
  personality traits because if you can, then there's like a
• 10:20
  much easier linear relationship between your sex life and your
• 10:26
  behavior. And although at first, you may
• 10:29
  think well, that's depressing, I can't change my personality.
• 10:31
  Of course, you could change your personality like that's therapy.
• 10:35
  Don't be like, makes people less of assholes.
• 10:37
  Like that's like a lot of what we do because we're cultivating
• 10:40
  empathy perspective-taking, self-esteem, all of the sorts of
• 10:44
  things that help people be stronger Kinder and more
• 10:48
  flexible individuals. So, if you want your wife to be
• 10:52
  working on flexibility, then you want to say something.
• 10:55
  Like, you know, that makes me really sad that you said that
• 10:58
  you don't that you realize that you never liked to blow jobs at
• 11:01
  all. It was one of my favorite parts
• 11:03
  of our sex life. What is It that I can do to be
• 11:07
  better here, like I obviously, you know, I would be asking you
• 11:11
  to go outside your comfort zone. What can I do?
• 11:14
  Go outside my comfort zone? We, of course, should be going
• 11:16
  outside. Our comfort zones.
• 11:17
  We are married to other human beings that are not clones of
• 11:20
  ourselves. So, going outside our comfort
• 11:22
  zone for the others benefit. Should kind of be de rigueur.
• 11:26
  Have I though been doing this or am I just telling you to do shit
• 11:30
  that I don't do. Let me tell you, if you want to
• 11:32
  start or you want your wife to be really enthusiastic about a
• 11:34
  conversation. Nation start out with how am I
• 11:37
  an asshole? This is a wonderful dinner date
• 11:39
  conversation because she knew no, she's gonna get very
• 11:41
  animated about it. She's very engaged.
• 11:43
  It's like her favorite topic. Finally, she gets to talk about
• 11:46
  it. You know.
• 11:47
  And you could really say it here.
• 11:49
  I am because think about it. This is 100% true.
• 11:52
  Here, I am trying to ask you to get outside your comfort zone.
• 11:55
  I personally have very little empathy for your situation
• 11:58
  because I cannot imagine being somebody who decides, they no
• 12:02
  longer enjoy, giving oral sex, as Man, I love to give oral sex.
• 12:06
  I have thought that you must be being difficult.
• 12:09
  You must be punishing me all sorts of things because I
• 12:11
  haven't really done a deep dive to empathize with you.
• 12:14
  Your attenuation of sex drive over time and key variable.
• 12:18
  How annoying I am. I do other things such that you
• 12:21
  don't really feel motivated to go outside your comfort zone
• 12:25
  because you're thinking well, fuck him because he doesn't
• 12:28
  really try it. X Y and Z and so therefore why
• 12:31
  should I be giving him head that I no longer want to give him who
• 12:34
  because the A cure, anything else.
• 12:36
  So what is the tldr here? Are you really being the person?
• 12:42
  That is a very open about your desires and what you need and be
• 12:47
  really super flexible in the way that you would want your spouse
• 12:52
  to be to get over. Whatever it is that she doesn't
• 12:55
  want to do. Now, you could say, why doesn't
• 12:57
  she want to do it? Isn't that evidence that we're
• 13:00
  not meant to be? If she likes anal with Bob and
• 13:02
  she didn't like anal with me. No.
• 13:05
  Choose a different stage in her life.
• 13:07
  She was trying out new things. Guess why would she was nine
• 13:11
  years old? She liked to play hide and go
• 13:12
  seek, she liked to play jacks. She like to jump rope, she don't
• 13:16
  do any of that shit anymore. She's at a different phase, it
• 13:19
  has absolutely nothing to do. Usually with you however it may
• 13:25
  have something to do with you now.
• 13:28
  Inasmuch as that sheet-like lizard, her General desire for
• 13:32
  anal doesn't have much to do with you.
• 13:34
  She doesn't want it. But usually, but her not wanting
• 13:39
  to go outside her comfort zone because she deeply empathizes
• 13:44
  with you because you're such a great guy and a great husband.
• 13:45
  If she doesn't feel like that that frequently does have to do
• 13:49
  with you. So you can't turn her back into
• 13:52
  a 22 year old that thought it was fun to fuck all day.
• 13:55
  You just can't, I'm sorry. Again.
• 13:57
  I'll be really wealthy if I could do that for you.
• 14:00
  But what you could do is to say within the greater context of my
• 14:05
  Life, as an adult with her hormonal, libidinal changes,
• 14:09
  that accompany monogamy aging childbirth.
• 14:15
  Remember women have more depression anxiety than men,
• 14:18
  General decrease of estrogen over time like a million things
• 14:23
  right within that framework. Can I be somebody who asks her
• 14:27
  to go outside of her comfort zone?
• 14:28
  Ow. And guess what if she was
• 14:30
  married to Bob, she still wouldn't be doing anal right
• 14:33
  now. Like get that out of your head.
• 14:35
  Say this to women all of the time.
• 14:38
  And I say, two men to the person that you dated in high school or
• 14:41
  college, that was like either. So romantic her, so sexual.
• 14:45
  However, you remember it based on what you like, they are just
• 14:48
  kind of probably annoying within their current marriage to nobody
• 14:52
  stays as romantic / sexual as a 18 year old is, when they are 36
• 14:57
  46. 56. Come on, let's be real.
• 14:59
  Of course there are differences individual differences in human
• 15:04
  traits and Yrs such that your high school boyfriend to a super
• 15:07
  romantic, he may be more romantic than the average bear
• 15:11
  currently within his marriage but he's not writing any love
• 15:14
  poems on the regular like he used to do with you because he
• 15:17
  no longer has enough testosterone to kill a horse
• 15:20
  because he is older and the same thing with the girl that used to
• 15:23
  give you had all the time in college, guess what?
• 15:25
  She's laying there, like a starfish to you know, you know
• 15:28
  five times out of 10 possibly more in her current marriage.
• 15:32
  So hopefully this gave you Interesting reframe about this
• 15:37
  problem and again you can discuss it with your partner.
• 15:41
  Now I'm going to even do a special podcast on this because
• 15:44
  so many people are like, yeah, but my partner doesn't want to
• 15:45
  listen to your podcast. Listen, you can bring a horse to
• 15:49
  water but you can't make them drink.
• 15:50
  If your partner, keep saying that I want to listen to my
• 15:52
  podcasts, stop sending my podcast.
• 15:54
  This is not rocket science, you're antagonizing them at this
• 15:58
  point. So instead, take the advice that
• 16:01
  I give you and tried to execute on it, I basically give
• 16:05
  Concrete, practical tips, and strategies, and even scripts in
• 16:09
  the majority of cases. So, try to execute on those.
• 16:11
  It's a little more work, but remember you're probably asking
• 16:14
  your partner to put in a lot of work.
• 16:16
  So you want to put in the work yourself.
• 16:18
  They may feel that you sending a podcast is lazy.
• 16:21
  They may feel it's lazy. They may feel that if you really
• 16:24
  care that much, you would just be trying to, you know, live in
• 16:27
  to whatever the support this wonderful supposed podcast did.
• 16:31
  And not ask them to take 20 minutes out of their life which
• 16:33
  is busy enough dealing. Your shit to listen to it.
• 16:36
  They may have a point. You would have to introspect.
• 16:39
  Okay. So hopefully this was useful.
• 16:41
  Please do subscribe. And the next one I'm going to
• 16:43
  talk about due to popular request is menopause and the
• 16:47
  sexual and emotional the changes there in, okay?
• 16:52
  But bye guys.