Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 140. When Friendships Trigger Insecurity: "Am I Overthinking This?”

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140. When Friendships Trigger Insecurity: "Am I Overthinking This?” · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appolgie production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.
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  Speaker 1: This is the place for you.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of Bestie Advice with Ashley
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  Speaker 2: and Tiana. We love our Bestie segment because we get
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  Speaker 2: to hear your beautiful, anonymous obmissions from you in the
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  Speaker 2: stories that you guys are navigating and things that you're
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  Speaker 2: really needing support on. And we really hope to be
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  Speaker 2: that safe soundboard for you and the place that you
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  Speaker 2: can always come whenever you're dealing with anything that's going
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  Speaker 2: on in your life and you just need a little
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  Speaker 2: bit of support.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and if you ever want to bring anything, and
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  Speaker 1: it can be about friendships, which today's is relationships, finances,
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  Speaker 1: different situations, workplace, anything you're struggling with. We're just going
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  Speaker 1: to give you out honest advice as we would each other. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: all right, Today's is about friendships. Okay. I feel insecure
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  Speaker 1: in friendships even though most of them are fifteen year
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  Speaker 1: plus friends. But new or old, I overthink and get
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  Speaker 1: insecure and I can feel left out even though most
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  Speaker 1: of the time it's not on purpose. One example of
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  Speaker 1: overthinking recently is a very close friend said I love
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  Speaker 1: you to another friend, which is out of the norm
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  Speaker 1: for her, but then didn't say it to me and
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  Speaker 1: we are very close. If I want her to say it,
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  Speaker 1: should I go first? I don't want to bring it up,
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  Speaker 1: as I feel like it could make it awkward and forced.
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  Speaker 1: And also, how can I work myself to stop feeling
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  Speaker 1: this way? Oh?
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  Speaker 2: I feel you as fellow anxious girlies, we get it.
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  Speaker 2: We get it, and it's cool that you recognize, like
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  Speaker 2: the question, how can I work on myself to stop
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  Speaker 2: feeling this way? Because if you've been in friendships for
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  Speaker 2: fifteen years and you're still feeling the same way, you
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  Speaker 2: kind of know that it's an internal thing, not an external.
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  Speaker 1: That's good. You're not projecting and blaming them.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, You're not like, yeah, you're not making
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  Speaker 2: it about them. But I think the biggest thing is
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  Speaker 2: learning more about your anxious attachment.
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  Speaker 1: Will do your World of Good book you always recommend
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  Speaker 1: that I do every single episode, I will do it.
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  Speaker 2: It's called Attached by doctor Adam Levine. Now this is
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  Speaker 2: going to teach you about your angxious attachment style. How
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  Speaker 2: it shows up how it works in dynamics with other
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  Speaker 2: people and how you are currently sabotaging love, intimacy and
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  Speaker 2: connection with both friendships and well basically all your relationships.
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  Speaker 2: It's a game changer, and for you, it's really learning
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  Speaker 2: how to face your anxiousness now. Just to give you
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  Speaker 2: like a personal example, like I used to run from
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  Speaker 2: my anxiety and I used to think, like I was
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  Speaker 2: so scared of it, no one could ever see me.
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  Speaker 2: And I used to put this big facade on this
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  Speaker 2: big wall of like, no, I'm confident, I'm cool, don't worry,
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  Speaker 2: I don't care that much.
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  Speaker 1: It's so fine.
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  Speaker 2: But I was so terrified inside that people would leave me.
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  Speaker 2: But it only made it worse. And that's maybe what
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  Speaker 2: you're experiencing that you haven't really sat with it for
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  Speaker 2: long enough for understood it enough for you to be
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  Speaker 2: able to move through it, if that makes sense. And
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  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is being able to sit
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  Speaker 2: with whatever it is that comes up for you with friendships,
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  Speaker 2: like why are you feeling anxious? What's the story that's
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  Speaker 2: underneath that anxiety? Like what's your worst case scenario outcome
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  Speaker 2: that you think is going to happen? And really facing
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  Speaker 2: that fear, because that fear is driving your behavior to
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  Speaker 2: the point that you feel like you can't even say
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  Speaker 2: I love you to your friend, you know, And that's
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  Speaker 2: not a feeling of freedom within relationships, Like you know,
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  Speaker 2: you maybe you don't feel fully safe to do that,
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  Speaker 2: but you're allowed to, you know, Like what is stopping
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  Speaker 2: you from going to that person saying, oh, my gosh,
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  Speaker 2: I just love you so much. I'm so grateful for you. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: so grateful for our friendship. Be willing to go first,
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  Speaker 2: be willing to be vulnerable with your heart on your sleeve,
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  Speaker 2: and you will find that people will be able to
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  Speaker 2: reciprocate you if they can meet you.
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  Speaker 1: There definitely one thing that's helped me too over the
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  Speaker 1: years of my anxiousness and fomo fear of missing out
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  Speaker 1: and being left out, only more recently is being playful
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  Speaker 1: with it. It's like I'll say, oh, but I want
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  Speaker 1: to come, fomo, where are you going? Can I? And
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  Speaker 1: it's like in this little joke, you know, and I
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  Speaker 1: bring playfulness to it. And then there's a couple of
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  Speaker 1: friends that I have felt really safe to to say
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  Speaker 1: like I do get fomo and I know, I know
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  Speaker 1: you're not doing it intentionally, but I would love to come.
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  Speaker 1: And you know, for example, I had these still got
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  Speaker 1: them in my life, but at this period of time
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  Speaker 1: where we had this conversation, they did party drugs and
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  Speaker 1: they like to drink, and they're like, but we know
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  Speaker 1: you're not going to come. I said, I know I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to come, but I still want you to
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  Speaker 1: invite me. Yes. I feel like I'm a lot more
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  Speaker 1: secure in my friendships now, but for a period there,
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  Speaker 1: they're like, Hey, we're heading here, getting ready at nine o'clock,
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  Speaker 1: we're going out at ten pm. It is going to
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  Speaker 1: be a big night. You're more than welcome to come.
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  Speaker 1: We would actually love you to come, but we know
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  Speaker 1: you'll be in bed by eight, but the invitation's there. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: thank you so much, I'll be in bed. I love that. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I love you. I Yes, I'm such a long way. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: It was being brave enough to be vulnerable to let
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  Speaker 1: them know I was feeling anxious and feeling left out,
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  Speaker 1: and also reassuring them that they hadn't done anything wrong. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: that's how I would always start it, like, you guys
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  Speaker 1: are not done anything wrong. This is my own stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I just get a bit insecure sometimes I want to
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  Speaker 1: be invited. Yeah, and brought a bit of play in
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  Speaker 1: fun to it. And when you are soft like that
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  Speaker 1: and you reassure that they haven't done anything wrong, it's
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  Speaker 1: received really well and a lot of time they want
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  Speaker 1: to bring you in and hug you. So true. But
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  Speaker 1: I also love that what you said about saying I
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  Speaker 1: love you first, because if you guys don't normally say that,
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  Speaker 1: they might not think that you even want to hear it.
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  Speaker 1: They might be all and be like, oh and say
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  Speaker 1: I love you. That's right, that's right. So if you
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  Speaker 1: go up and give me hug and say, yeah, I
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  Speaker 1: just love you so much. Gotch I love our friendship
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  Speaker 1: fifteen years? Wow? How cool is that we should celebrate that? Yes?
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  Speaker 1: You know, yeah, you can also be the leader in
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  Speaker 1: organizing things as well, and also know that each individual
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  Speaker 1: person is going to have different connections. So I've got
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  Speaker 1: different friends that you know, in a group, there's two
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  Speaker 1: that are much closer than the other, third or fourth person.
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  Speaker 1: That's okay as well. It doesn't mean anything bad about
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  Speaker 1: me or about the other people in the group. They've
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  Speaker 1: just got a really special bond. I used to take
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  Speaker 1: things like that personally, and now I can see it
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  Speaker 1: for what it is.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you know that's really powerful.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, take it personally, it's not. Yes, people just have
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  Speaker 1: special connections and bond zing. Sometimes they can't even explain.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that's so true, and it's like us, like I'm
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  Speaker 2: gonna say that for you.
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  Speaker 1: You know you were thinking it, but you said it.
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  Speaker 2: It's cool because it highlights for me when I listen
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  Speaker 2: to this submission and highlights me what it is that
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  Speaker 2: you're wanting more of. Yes, you know you sound like
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  Speaker 2: a lover girl through and through, and like us as women.
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  Speaker 1: We want belonging so bad.
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  Speaker 2: We want connection, we want girl code, we want closer,
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  Speaker 2: we want girl club, as Tyler would say. And it's
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  Speaker 2: a powerful thing to be able to have, but it
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  Speaker 2: really does require you to go first. And I know
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  Speaker 2: that's the barrier. The barrier is vulnerability because maybe in
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  Speaker 2: the past you haven't had, say, friendships, or you've had
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  Speaker 2: relationships where your heart has been hurt, and now you
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  Speaker 2: have this little wall around your heart where you don't
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  Speaker 2: really want to let anybody in again, you know.
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  Speaker 1: But I truly believe.
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  Speaker 2: That the way that you heal previous wounds is to
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  Speaker 2: let people back in and to create new experiences in
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  Speaker 2: their place, evidence, new evidence, and that's been huge for
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  Speaker 2: me in my life, you know, in our dynamic especially,
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  Speaker 2: so I think giving yourself permission to be brave and
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  Speaker 2: knowing that the right people will receive you, well, you know,
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  Speaker 2: and there is you have nothing to lose by being
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  Speaker 2: who you actually are, Like, don't listen to all this
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  Speaker 2: bullshit on social media that's telling you to act like
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  Speaker 2: you don't care and pull back and play games even
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  Speaker 2: with friendships, like you don't need to do that. Be
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  Speaker 2: honest about what you want. To be truthful about who
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  Speaker 2: you are, and wear your heart on your sleeve so
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  Speaker 2: authentically that when somebody who is meant to find you
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  Speaker 2: can spot you from a mile away, they'll be like,
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  Speaker 2: oh my god, she's my human. I'm gonna keep her.
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  Speaker 2: That's what I did with Ashy, That's what we did
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  Speaker 2: with each other, you know. But you have to be
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  Speaker 2: willing to go first, and you have to be willing
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  Speaker 2: to be brave. And it's scary. It is scary you
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  Speaker 2: put yourself in front of rejection. But the more you
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  Speaker 2: do that, the less you fear rejection because you know
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  Speaker 2: what's on the other side of rejection is yeah, maybe
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  Speaker 2: this person might not meet me, but if they do,
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  Speaker 2: it'll be ten times better than what I could have
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  Speaker 2: even imagined.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, when it comes to communicating things, I know at
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  Speaker 1: first I really struggled face to face, So sending a
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  Speaker 1: voice message or like leaving out a draft something up there.
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  Speaker 1: I've got everything in that I wanted to say in
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  Speaker 1: a beautiful message. And the sandwich approach is really good,
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  Speaker 1: Like it doesn't really positive, reassure them, get to the
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  Speaker 1: meat of what you want to actually say and your
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  Speaker 1: vulnerability and how you feel, and then finish it with
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  Speaker 1: how much gratitude and love you have for the friendship
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  Speaker 1: and thank them for holding the space and hearing human
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  Speaker 1: being there for you. Yeah, definitely really nice approach. And
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  Speaker 1: it's just a little scary intimidating a face to face
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  Speaker 1: scares you, and.
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  Speaker 2: You know, I find dissolves things like anxiety is being
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  Speaker 2: seen in it. The thing that makes it worse is
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  Speaker 2: when you do it in secrecy and you do it
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  Speaker 2: in shame because you make yourself feel oh my god,
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  Speaker 2: why am I so anxious?
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god?
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  Speaker 2: If they ever saw me in this, they would leave me.
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  Speaker 2: They wouldn't love me anymore, they wouldn't want to be
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  Speaker 2: my friend anymore the moments. And I've done this in
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  Speaker 2: our friendship so many times. Whenever I'm feeling anxious, I
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  Speaker 2: just bring it into ashy. Yeah, babe, I'm feeling a
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  Speaker 2: little anxious. Love me, yeah, leave me, you know. And
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  Speaker 2: then immediately as I voice it and she holds me
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  Speaker 2: in it, I'm like, cool, dissolve gone. I feel let's
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  Speaker 2: forget a snack, you know, So really pushing out of
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  Speaker 2: your limit and your comfort zone of being seen in
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  Speaker 2: it will dissolve it one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but we feel you. We're definitely, especially in friendships
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  Speaker 1: for me, I totally get it, like I've so been
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  Speaker 1: in your shoes. But yeah, bringing in having more conversations
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  Speaker 1: being vulnerable, I think your friends will want to hold
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  Speaker 1: you in that too. They don't want you feeling sad
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  Speaker 1: or left out, but it's just going to be approached.
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  Speaker 2: Well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they ever feel criticized or like they've done something wrong,
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  Speaker 1: the conversation can go very differently, absolutely, because no one
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  Speaker 1: wants to feel like they're hurting you.
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  Speaker 2: You know, we'll feel like they've done something wrong, Yeah, exactly,
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  Speaker 2: you know what they've been there for fifteen years. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I mean they're in your life for a reason. They've
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: actually chosen to stay, which means they want to be there. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: that's something you can take pride in.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely, I think that's some solid advice. We'd love an
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: update if you bringing in this forward or have the conversation,
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  Speaker 1: or send a text message or just start going first.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, if anybody else has any situations like this, We're
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: going to leave the link to drop in your submissions
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: in the description box, and if you ever want to
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: leave us one, you can just send us a CDM
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: and we'll show you the link.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Well, context the better, yeah, like, give us the details.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Bring in the lengthy stories, girlies.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: When we go to each other, it's every single detail,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: there's nothing missed, and it's like, oh, okay, we can
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: give you good advice because we know everything that's going on.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you in the next episode.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Bye bye,