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Hidden Harm And Emotional Neglect · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kim Lee from the Children's Consultancy, and these podcasts are from Inside the Consulting Room.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is the final episode in the series entitled Hidden Harm, which was produced following the safeguarding of children series, because I wanted to try and point towards those things that were not immediately visible as safeguarding concerns.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to try and point towards the other factors which impact upon the development of children and their mental health.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So in this final episode, I'm going to endeavor to bring all those parts together as a way of concluding the observations already made, and in the hope that these things inform and illuminate the understanding that parents have and that they can further develop.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now there are invisible impacts of emotional neglect, and I think that's been illustrated throughout the series.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: But there are forms of harm that are easy to recognize, and we can see those because they're visible, they're defined, and they can be pointed to.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But as we have begun to examine through the series, there are forms of harm that are far more difficult to see because there aren't raised voices or obvious events or no clear moment when things have gone wrong.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: But something is missing.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not something dramatic, but something that draws attention and it's cumulative.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also it's something that's essential.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, that absence begins to shape the child.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional neglect isn't about what is done to a child, it's about what isn't there when it needs to be.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: These moments where feelings are not recognized, not acknowledged, or validated, experiences are not reflected, and distress isn't fully met.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not necessarily ignored or rejected, but not received.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what makes it so difficult to identify because from the outside everything may appear intact.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: The child is cared for, provided for, and is functioning, and yet internally something's missing.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's something we call mirroring, and children come to understand themselves through being understood.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, it's as if the parent behaves as a mirror, a mirror that acknowledges, that sees, and which voices.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, through having their internal worlds noticed, named, and held, things like you're upset, I can see that, and goodness that was difficult, or just acknowledging, yes, of course you feel that way, that makes sense.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: These moments do something profound.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: They allow the child to recognize that what they feel has a name, that their feelings are valid, and that those feelings can be held by another.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: But when this doesn't happen consistently, the child is left with experience that isn't fully processed and not fully understood.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually they begin to organize themselves around that absence.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: So across the series, we've been looking at different ways children adapt.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: The child who doesn't complain, the child who complies, the child who holds it together at school, the sibling who disappears, the child who behaves well to stay, the child who manages connections so that they can keep it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: These are separate phenomena, they're different expressions of the same underlying reality, and that is a child trying to organize themselves in the absence of something they've needed.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: When emotional experience isn't consistently met, the child is left to manage it alone.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: They may begin to diminish what they experience, they may start to question the significance or the reality of their own experience.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: They'll definitely struggle to identify their internal states, and they will feel uncertain about what is real and authentic and what is not.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: The longer term impact is really considerable.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: As the child grows, the absence can become more visible.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: They may experience a sense of emptiness, difficulty understanding themselves, and significant challenges in relationships.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Such children have a more developed tendency to adapt rather than express.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: They may feel that something is missing without knowing what it is.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because emotional neglect doesn't have clear memories, it has gaps.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is perhaps the most important part to understand.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional neglect rarely comes from a lack of care.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: It often comes from limitation.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who maybe wasn't mirrored themselves, a parent who is overwhelmed, a parent who can't access their own emotional world fully.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so something is passed on, not intentionally, but relationally.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the presence of emotional understanding can change the trajectory.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't require perfection, it requires moments where the child is seen, reflected, and understood.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Things like that matters to you, doesn't it?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, I'm here.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to manage this on your own.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually the child begins to experience something different.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about acknowledgement, not fixing.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I think is always very helpful is to stop.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And before you react, ask yourself this question.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What is my child experiencing?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not how do I fix this or how do I close it down, but what is my child experiencing?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: When we ask that question, we immediately move into observation of the other rather than preoccupation with the self.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: When we're able to help children put things into words, they feel understood.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't perfect solutions.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is much more the process of enabling children to understand that they are seeing that what they experience isn't wrong and it's survivable, and that we as adults have an understanding and sufficient life experience to be able to support this.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: In cases where the parent's preoccupation is with themselves rather than the child, such children suffer a form of emotional neglect and deprivation, which does have very lasting consequences.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also, you know, I've seen this many times in the consulting room, and it's extremely difficult and quite painful.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Painful to see a child who is confused by the experience of a parent who is apparently present but actually not.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about deprivation, but we rarely talk about privation.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Deprivation is when something we once had was taken away, we are deprived of it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Privation is different because in privation we never had it in the first place.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Some people say, Well, you can't miss what you haven't had.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yes, you can.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you haven't had a preoccupied parent who is emotionally containing, over time and on reflection, children will make comparisons.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: They'll see other children whose parents behave differently.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So when that happens, there is a loss, a loss of something that they needed, but they never experienced.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that leads children to think it must be me.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, that's just not true.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: However, the absence of emotional connection is harmful.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not all harm is loud, not so not so obvious that it draws attention, and not all children know how to tell us what's happened or what they're experiencing, what they've learned to live without.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: But when we begin to look more closely and to listen, not just to what is said, but to what is absent, something changes.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: We begin to see not just behavior, but adaptation, not just difficulty, but meaning.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And in that we can offer something that has the potential to change everything.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: To be seen, to be understood, to feel that really exists, what exists inside, and it matters.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this series has been helpful.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that the task of emotional containment and mirroring can be very hard for all kinds of reasons.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so by way of offering some more supportive guidance, I would once again invite you to visit my website, thechildren's consultancy.com, and go to the resources section where you can download a free uh compendium of parental guides.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty much in each one, there's reference to what parents can do in certain situations with certain sorts of difficulties.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you're very welcome to download these.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you feel they would be helpful for others, well, pass them on.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's just fine.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.