Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Gaslights You
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this term that gets thrown around a lot these days — gaslighting. And I think in the workplace, it's one of the most insidious things a boss can do, because it's designed to make you question your own grip on reality. Luna: It's not just about being lied to. It's about being made to feel like you're the one who's crazy or incompetent. Lucas: Exactly. And I want to be specific here, because the word gets used loosely. I'm talking about a manager who consistently denies things they said or did, who rewrites shared history, who tells you that a conversation you both had never happened — and does it in a way that leaves you doubting your own memory. Luna: I had a friend who worked in compliance at Citigroup years ago. She told me her boss would send her an email asking for a report, she'd send it, and then two days later he'd say, 'I never asked for that. Why are you sending me this?' And she'd pull up the original email, and he'd just shrug and say, 'That's not what I meant.' Lucas: That is a textbook example. And it's especially dangerous because it's not a one-off — it's a pattern. And if you don't recognize the pattern, you start to think maybe you are the problem. Luna: Right. And the really awful part is that gaslighting thrives in environments where there's no paper trail or where documentation is ambiguous. Lucas: Which brings us to a broader point. Remote and hybrid work — where a lot of communication happens over chat or video calls that don't get recorded — has actually made gaslighting easier for bosses who want to do it. Luna: Yeah, because in the office, there might be a witness. On Zoom, it's just you and them. Lucas: And to be clear, most managers are not gaslighters. But for the ones who are, it's a deliberate strategy. They're not confused — they're using confusion as a tool. Luna: So what do you do when you realize it's happening? Lucas: First thing: stop trying to win in the moment. If you're in a meeting and your boss says, 'We discussed this, you agreed to the timeline,' and you know you never did, the instinct is to argue. Don't. That's what they want — they want you emotional and defensive, because it makes you look unstable. Luna: So you just let it go in the room? Lucas: You let it go verbally, but you document everything immediately after. Send a follow-up email that says, 'Just to confirm my understanding from our conversation just now: you mentioned we discussed a timeline of X. I don't recall that conversation, but could you please send me the notes or the email where that was captured? I want to make sure I'm on the same page.' You're not accusing them. You're asking for clarification, and you're creating a paper trail. Luna: That's smart. Because if they're gaslighting, they probably don't have that documentation. And if they do, great — you get to see where the misunderstanding was. Lucas: Right. And if they don't respond, that silence is also evidence. The key is to never let an assertion from them go unchallenged in writing — but always frame it as you trying to understand, not you accusing. Luna: And if there are other people in the meeting, you can also ask a witness. Not in a confrontational way, but later, one-on-one: 'Hey, in that meeting, did you hear Bob say X? I want to make sure I didn't mishear.' Lucas: That's the second strategy: gather allies. Not to gang up on the boss, but to have a reality check. If two or three other people remember the same thing, you can be confident you're not losing it. Luna: I think a lot of people don't realize how corrosive gaslighting is over time. It's not just annoying — it can actually affect your mental health and your performance. Lucas: Absolutely. And that's why the third strategy is the hardest but most important: know when to leave. If you've tried documenting, you've tried enlisting allies, you've tried having a direct but calm conversation — and the behavior continues — you are not going to fix this person. You need to get out. Luna: That's a hard truth. But it's better than staying and slowly losing your confidence. Lucas: And if we've helped you think through a situation like this — or any career puzzle — and you've gotten some value from the show, there's a simple way to support us. You can buy us a coffee, literally, at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: It's what keeps this podcast ad-free and lets us keep digging into these tough topics. No pressure, but it means a lot. Lucas: So back to gaslighting. Let's talk about an exit script — because leaving is not always straightforward. Luna: People worry about burning bridges or getting a bad reference. Lucas: Right. But if you have a gaslighting boss, the reference is going to be bad anyway. They'll find a way to make you look bad. So you need to protect yourself by leaving on your terms. Luna: What does that look like practically? Lucas: First, document everything before you give notice. Save emails, save chat logs, save performance reviews. If your boss has given you negative feedback that you believe is based on a false narrative, write down your version of events with dates. You may never use it, but having it makes you feel less helpless. Luna: And when you do resign, keep it short and professional. No accusations. Just 'I've decided to pursue another opportunity.' Lucas: Exactly. Because if you try to explain why you're leaving, you're giving them material to twist. The gaslighter will use your words against you in an exit interview or in a reference call. So you give them nothing. Luna: And then you move on. And hopefully you find a boss who doesn't make you question your own sanity. Lucas: That's the goal. And I think the real takeaway here is that gaslighting is not a conflict style — it's a form of psychological manipulation. And you don't have to fix it or tolerate it. You just have to recognize it and protect yourself.