Latest / Return to Love / Return to Love with Dr. Deb- Melissa Bradley
Transcript
- Lisa Mauriello: Welcome everybody to the first episode of the Return to Love podcast. I am your host, Dr. Deb Castaldo. And the reason I am here is because love has been my day job for over 35 years as a couples and family therapist. So here on the Return to Love, we talk about all things love related, falling in, falling out. makeups, breakups, marriage, divorce, having difficulty finding love, and also healthy sexuality, intimacy, affection, you name it, we're going to be covering it. So I'm starting off today with a guest who knows all about this because she is the love coach, Melissa Bradley, and she also has her day job as helping people with their loving relationships. So welcome, Melissa. Thank you, Deb. Always a joy to be with you. So good to be with you. And I know you're in beautiful Maui right now. I am. It's hard to tell by this surrounding, but out that window is a crystal clear blue water that is coming to me after this. are coming. Yeah. Well, Melissa, you and I have known each other as colleagues and friends for a while, and we both do deal with helping people with their happiness, their loving relationships, and a lot of times, not just couples and family and friend relationships, but also their relationship with their self. And today I wanted to jump right in. We've talked about romance. We've talked about kind of the lighter side of love. But right now we're hearing so much in the news about trauma. And I wanted to get your take on what does trauma have to do with loving relationships and why are so many people saying, I can't believe it. I keep finding the wrong thing over and over and over again. I keep getting in destructive relationships. Well, I would say currently trauma is obviously a very hot word. It seems like trauma, the word trauma is used everywhere. And so what does, what does trauma have to do with a relationship, right? And the way that we keep repeating patterns in a relationship, well, it kind of has everything to do with that. Um, you know, and tuning in with this with you, I was like, wow, you know, even coming to this planet. is quite traumatic. If we think about how we arrived here and we're sitting in a sack of fluids for nine months, right, within our mother's, you know, bellies and boobs. then we come through the birthing canal, right? Some children come through the birthing canal, some are pulled out, right, because the birthing canal wasn't an option. And so that alone is quite traumatic. you know, we have this interesting relationship with human beings. with trauma. And what I take a stand for is us having a welcoming and embracing of the trauma as part of our life here on the planet. But we don't make it separate from ourselves, we just allow it to be included as a part of us, you know, and so if we have yet to make peace with that trauma that we came in with or that we've experienced, there's all sorts of trauma, right? There's physical abuse trauma, there's sexual trauma, there's emotional, psychological trauma. mean, you, you know, being the family marriage therapist, I'm sure you have a whole, you know, definition of all the different traumas. And yet, it can, in my book, it can all be treated as the same. And as the name of this podcast implies, it's really about returning everything to love. Because once we've returned everything to love, then we get to truly be free and then we get to be in relationships where it becomes a reflection of love and not, as it said, trauma bonding, right? Where, my trauma matches your trauma and then it gets played out in all these crazy ways that cause more trauma. So. Yeah, I'm glad that you mentioned or highlighted the word trauma because I have a little bit different take. ⁓ Yes, the actual birth. we go through is traumatic, but I feel we come in with what I call sparkle and we come in hopeful and not impacted yet by what goes on in our world, in our families, in our home environment. And then what happens is, as you said, there are big and little traumas, the everyday traumas of how we're treated in a home, in a family. And then there's the big traumas in the world. And I'd like to go. to a quote from Terry Real, who is a teacher of mine, who recently gave such a succinct quote of, trauma is disconnection and healing is reconnection in almost every case, whether it be with broken relationships or dysfunctional abusive relationships or substance abuse or depression or anxiety. What we're really seeing now in a lot of fields of psychology is that reconnection and love is the cure. Absolutely. fails us and we are failing miserably at love. Yeah. What is your take on what most people are saying to you about this idea of they keep repeating the trauma over and over again? Yeah. Well, I love that quote so much. And I do believe that whole heartedly that it is about reconnecting, that when we reconnect with ourselves first and foremost, I mean, like I was constantly, I think we're trained from young, as young women to look outside of ourselves for love, right? And then if we found a partner that has yet to love themselves, then we become, know, we keep opening those wounds back up, right? And as it said, pouring salt in the wounds. And it doesn't have to be that way because when we genuinely find that essence that we all share, every single human being was birthed on this planet, either through the birth canal or through a cesarean that came in some way. And again, the normalcy of that kind of trauma. And then we so often give our power away. We look to a parent for the love or we look to friends and then we look to a romantic partner and oftentimes that other human being has yet to love themselves and accept themselves and embrace themselves and their totality. And that's what I'm talking about. Like we are a totality. Like we have the trauma as a human being, but as you said so beautifully, we also have the sparkle. We are the light. I mean, when we tap into the truth of who we are, we can really set ourselves free. And that truth, the ultimate truth is that we are love and we are pure love and we've always been loved. Yeah. I talk about it as giving yourself oxygen first, you know, working on your own self care and your own self love, which is a big job in itself. And then I think the bigger task is that people then gravitate to and are attracted to the very thing that they don't want. Their worst nightmares of whatever they experienced in childhood. know, most of us don't really get everything we probably needed as far as nurturing. then people get attracted to that over and over and over again. And I know I have a lot of clients saying to me, I don't know how to break this. The same... thing keeps showing up, the same person, the same pattern, maybe a different face, a different being, but here I am again. And I know you work a lot with re-traumatizing and how to get out of that pattern of destructiveness. Where do you begin with people if they don't have a relationship currently and they don't know how to begin to get out of attracting the thing? that is the most destructive to themselves. Yeah, so maybe they've been in many relationships and repeated the patterns over and over again, and they're currently not in a relationship. And they're like, ⁓ my gosh, I don't know that I want to get back into another one, right? Because I don't want to repeat that. But the good news is obviously we have no control over another human being, as we know. But what we do have choice or control over is ourselves. When we have ultimately loved, accepted, and embraced again ourselves in totality, our humanity and our divinity, the trauma and the magic of being human, like when we've really allowed it all to be held and loved and embraced by us, then we can go into a relationship and we can be ourselves. And if that's a match for the other, then that's wonderful. If you're matching love to love, heart to heart, soul to soul, being to being, essence to essence, truth to truth, right? Like I could go on and adjectives. When we collide in that way, I'm witnessing friends right now do that, you know, and it's amazing. They went from very trauma oriented relationships to being completely trauma free in these new relationships. So because of that connection that they've created within themselves, that's who you're saying. Like the love is the medicine, connection is the alchemy. And everything literally, this is a promise I can make, everything will literally, the trauma of the past will literally dissipate and disappear once we have fully, fully and completely loved, accepted and embraced ourselves in totality, what we deem as good and bad and right and wrong. our past, our present, our future. Just one big giant love embrace can take care of it all. Yeah. And yet that original wound is so powerful. And you and I talked about, let's be transparent here on Return to Love. Yes. You and I both have trauma. Oh, yes. failed relationships. I don't know if I should call them failed or relationships that weren't good for us. And we have both done the work. to get really conscious of why am I repeating this pattern and why is the same thing coming into me? I do want to mention, you know, this goes way back to Freud from the 1920s. One of his famous quotes is, we're either repairing or repeating or repairing by repeating. So actually our unconscious need to seek or be attracted to the same kind of person that we're familiar with is actually an attempt to repair it, but then people get stuck in, can't get out of this. And I want to talk about a quote also by a ⁓ prominent couples therapist, Esther Carell, who said, show me or tell me how you were loved and I will tell you how you love. What do you make of that saying? Yeah, I mean, there's so many different ways to, you know, unpack that one, so to speak. ⁓ I feel very blessed. mean, I was loved by two parents who really, really wanted me. You know, my mom so wanted a baby and my dad wanted that too. And I came in and, know, was fully holy and completely loved. ⁓ And it's been an interesting journey, as you know. in terms of my romantic partnerships, because all I've really truly wanted to do is love another. I think it takes the first step that you work a lot with, with the love of the self and I'd say setting new standards, new expectations, loving yourself so much that you don't allow anything that won't serve you to come in. And then I think this paired with what I think Esther Perel was talking about is that's such an imprint in us how we were loved. And I'll share my part. I had a father who was present and a lot of fun, but didn't know really how to connect with me. I felt kind of invisible, ⁓ even though, you know, he taught me to have fun and we did a lot of that together. I don't remember him asking me at different points in life, how are you? Or I'm so proud of you. So this invisibility feeling is something that I really have to watch out for people who aren't available or who aren't emotionally connecting and expressing. ⁓ But it's such important work and a lot of people are not conscious of this just keeps happening to me. How am I gonna stop this? And I think that's where your work comes in and my work comes in helping people get conscious of loving themselves and then making sure they put out something different, different energy to come in. But you and I know, we have talked before on my radio show about the search for love as the concept that most people get stuck in. I can't find love. And where are you with that these days? ⁓ you're going to go there. So, yes, I've been ⁓ solo for about two and a half years, and I really thought that I would meet someone right away and jump in. it has not been that way. And, you know, I see the perfection in it. I really am quite in love, you know, with myself. and with my life and I'm super certainly ⁓ really excited to share this overflowing love and joy and magic and play ⁓ and service oriented life, right? Because I am here to be of service and support to others. So I'm excited for that. And I juice that excitement every day within myself and I feel more open and available to meeting him than I ever have. in my friend's note, they're like, yeah, but you're not out there on, you know, you're not out there on the dating apps, this and that. I said, I just sense that I'm going to meet him when you know, God's ready to send him my way. I, I'm no longer interested in working so hard for things. I live in a state of flow and of allowing and the magic and the miracles that show up in my life every day are so beyond my. wildest dreams and imagination. I would imagine this next iteration of relationship will be that as well, you know, having as you and I, you know, share regularly where we have loved ourselves through the ending of a relationship. And, you know, some people choose to jump right back in, but I, I'm grateful for every moment that I've had to, you know, really love up on myself. This love that I always offered to others that then it was like, ⁓ I see. You've been offering that to everyone outside of yourself. think he loves outside of yourself. What if you brought it all the way in? And that's really what I've been milking, so to speak, last two years. And we've talked about shifting that perspective of I have to find love. I have to be out there. you know, your friends and even a lot of therapists I know. I I fired some all along the decades since I've been divorced because they would say to me, well, just go out there and find someone. And it's not that, but I'm in a place now of it or the person will find me. whatever you believe in energy, the universe, angels, God, your own intuition, your own creative mind. Exactly. I feel when you are in a good place and you are being your best you, ⁓ it's about it finding you. I don't really believe in chasing it anymore. ⁓ know, then any decision made out of desperation, one of my clients once said was, is not a good thing. There's no outcome out of desperation. yet, I know it's a source of pain for so many people. ⁓ I could share a little story and maybe you have one, Melissa. I think this happened the day that you were on my radio show. Okay. Down the street, this was in Philadelphia area where we recorded and I had a cup of coffee in my hand with no lid on it. And I literally had to cross the street to go get into the radio station. and a huge monster truck came along and revved its engine right at the corner where I was standing. And I threw the coffee up in the air just out of like being frightened in a second. And in a blink of an eye, like three men were standing around me. One was the mailman. I'm not sure who the other two were, but they were both all of a sudden there and some were offering me paper towels and... One was wiping off the mailbox where some of my coffee had gone in and then they were wiping down my books. I just thought that was a metaphor for if you just be you. And I was laughing hysterically when the coffee went up in the air. I howled. thought it was so funny because this big engine like scared me to death, threw the coffee up and I didn't even realize that these three men were around me. So, you know, sometimes. things. Just relax, let go, do things that you love to do. ⁓ That's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. I feel like that's my life now is everywhere I turn I'm being invited somewhere. So I was, you know, in a past relationship dynamic, I was I've shared with friends, I didn't know if I was a blessing or a burden. It was just this constant like, am I a blessing here or burden? Because all I want to do is be a blessing. And if I'm not, then there's someplace else for me to be. And now everywhere that I go and I get invited into people's homes all over the world, and I got invited here to Maui, you know, to support a friend who's new in her pregnancy. And everybody treats me like such a blessing, you know, but I had to let go of that dynamic. And then there was trauma in that I kept, it kept opening up that original wound. of some of my original wounding was like, I didn't feel good enough and I didn't feel like I could get it right. And let me tell you that dynamic played out in relationships over and over again, like a broken record until I said, I am complete with this. I love myself now too much to participate in that. I choose the truth and I choose to live from my truth permanently, full time, forever more, end of story. The only way I want to play and participate in life is through my truth, you know? And so, yeah. You have really shifted. You got aware of your trauma. And that's where we begin today's podcast is the connection between trauma that most of us have. Yes. And it's not big traumas usually like you were in a country that was at war or you were in a horrific event. It's the little everyday traumas that you were left alone with. know the famous trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Mate says, ⁓ it's not only what happened to you, it's that you were left alone with it. And then- Absolutely, and that I was. need to fix that and repair it, and yet we don't know how. And that's to go back to where we began. That's why people keep ending up with the same thing that they lived. When you see people who are in relationship after relationship after relationship, the same destructive thing. ⁓ I know they are showing me what they lived because they're still living it. Exactly, Dab. Exactly. I love that so much. And exactly by completing that. and melting everything within myself into love, including that programming or that misunderstanding about not getting it right or not being good enough, I really melted that all. And now that's not a reflection anymore in my reality. No, nobody's reflecting that to me. I mean, in past relationship dynamics, I would sometimes cry myself to sleep, you know? now I can't remember the last time I even cried, you know? Because I feel like I'm living in truth now I'm living in love, I'm living in joy. I know who I am, I know why I'm here, I know what I want, I know what I'm aligned with, I know what I'm not aligned with. And so now I don't have to play those kind of games any longer. And it's really wonderful to walk around and to be, my business is free to be you, right? Where we're free to be ourselves in every moment. That's what I stand for, for women and for men. for every being on this planet to be free, to be themselves, which can be inclusive of the trauma. And we just love it and we embrace it. And then we don't have to be run or ruled by it. Yeah. Repeating it. Yeah, you and I have talked also about performing. And I think that it impacts men and women, but I feel women may be a little bit more because ⁓ what do I have to be? How do I have to perform? But it can impact men. If you had to perform as a little girl or a little boy, or you only relived and received love when you were good enough, when you good ballplayer, or you danced well enough, or you got straight A's, or you... performing and you know when you stop performing and being yourself as you said and I know your business you're coaching as the love coach is about free to be you and I know that's the first step on healing this trauma that almost all of us have trauma I think a lot of people are not aware of it and they're not aware that it is guiding the way they are loving Yeah, absolutely. It's like when you say that, I mean, I was raised, you know, this was never my dad's intention. I have no fault or blame for him, only love. He was doing his best. And I was raised on a tennis court. I mean, talk about, you know, from a young age, performing. And it was to be in tournaments, a profession. I was being groomed to be a professional tennis player. so it was all about performing. And I either had a really great performance on the tennis court Or I didn't, and it was felt. still remember that as a little girl and how many of us, like you said, were trained to perform. And then I would do that in relationship dynamics and not even know it. And I was just desperate for the approval. I was desperate for the acceptance. I was desperate for the love. circling back to what you shared too, desperation is what kind of reflection are you going to get from desperation? I mean, I think you would get somebody that knew how to love you wholly, fully, completely, unconditionally. And yet, like you said, we're failing at love. So few people on this planet know how to love wholly, fully, and completely. So many people are staring at what they think is somebody's imperfection. ⁓ or lacking or missing of something. But what if we walked around the planet and saw each other's light, love, perfection? That is the ending and the completion of trauma on this planet. So I stand for that with you and I know you do too, because I have great nieces and I have niece and nephew and I want them to be free of all of this. brings us back, I think, to our quote from the beginning from Terry Real, which is, trauma is disconnection and the cure is reconnection. My good angel bumps, every time you say it, I really feel that it's absolute truth in that. love that this being shared that. And yeah, that when we connect, connect first and foremost to our heart, to our soul, to our infinite nature, to God within, however, like you said, the universe, love, however you named that, that infinite essence that we all are in equanimity, every single 8.4 billion of us. And then when we see and feel that connection of oneness in the other, then we're not re-traumatizing each other. Then we're building genuine connection. And this is an interweave, we're all connected anyways. So we might as well live in our truth together. And I think I'd like to end, before I give our contact information a little bit about us, with, you know, if you don't have a partner, this is still important work for you to do, and you can still begin the healing with yourself. There's all kinds of connection that will help you heal, whether that be with friends, ⁓ colleagues, extended family members. See if you're having family estrangements. See who you can reach out to, cousins, or even further out with extended family. And family of choice and working on the connection is what really will heal all of us. So, Melissa, I want to thank you so much for being with me today to talk about the return to love and remembering love. And Melissa, the love coach, where can people find you at? Yeah, my website is free to be you. So it's free to be and then a little hyphen you dot com. Great. And remember that each day is precious and so is love. So make each day a whole season of love. And you can reach me at TheDrDeb.com or Deb-D-C-N-Y-C. And until I see you again, take good care.