Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 252. Abortion, love and the “ what ifs” i cant shake - the grief and confusion around my biggest life decision 😢❤️‍🩹

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252. Abortion, love and the “ what ifs” i cant shake - the grief and confusion around my biggest life decision 😢❤️‍🩹 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
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  Speaker 1: Let's get into it a easier advice. Are you okay?
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  Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to our Besties segment. This is
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  Speaker 2: follower and listener or welcome. If you're an og, welcome back.
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  Speaker 2: We're happy to have you here. So today's episode title
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  Speaker 2: is Abortion, Love and the What Ifs. I can't shake
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  Speaker 2: the grief and confusion around my biggest life decision.
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  Speaker 3: Take it away, Ties let's go hi Ashi and Tiana.
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  Speaker 3: This is a submission for best the Advice. Over the
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  Speaker 3: last month of February, I have felt unlike myself, just
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  Speaker 3: completely tired, emotionally drained with people in situations in my life.
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  Speaker 3: Initially I thought I was due to wedding plan stress.
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  Speaker 3: I'm getting married in October this year. Then I started
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  Speaker 3: getting physical changes that I thought were just early PMS symptoms,
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  Speaker 3: really saw boobs, cramps, etc. Only after a girlfriend encouraged
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  Speaker 3: me to take a pregnancy test that I finally built
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  Speaker 3: up the courage to do so. Last week our huge
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  Speaker 3: surprise and it was positive. I have never been pregnant before,
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  Speaker 3: but I knew these alleged PMS symptoms I was feeling
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  Speaker 3: were definitely not my norm. The wild thing is that
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  Speaker 3: I have the copper IUD and have had it for
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  Speaker 3: eight years. It clearly has worked well for me in
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  Speaker 3: the last several years, which is a huge reason why
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  Speaker 3: we were so surprised. The next day, I went to
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  Speaker 3: my doctor to confirm it The pregnancy was not ectopic.
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  Speaker 3: Everything was good with the ultrasound, but my provider noted
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  Speaker 3: me that my IUD had fallen from the top of
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  Speaker 3: my uterus to nearly at my cervix. Hence how a
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  Speaker 3: baby snuck up in there. Ladies, this is your sign
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  Speaker 3: to make sure that your provider checks your IUD placement
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  Speaker 3: via ultrasound at your annual appointments. Apparently, I'm about seven
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  Speaker 3: weeks a long and my fiancee and I agreed that
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  Speaker 3: we don't want to be parents right now. He and
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  Speaker 3: I have always said that he didn't really picture ourselves
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  Speaker 3: as parents ever, but this last week has provoked a
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  Speaker 3: lot of conversations between us. The emotional toll of this
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  Speaker 3: whole situation has been a lot on us, but overall
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: has brought us closer. He has really stepped up in
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  Speaker 3: his support for caring for me this week and always
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: bolstering that it's ultimately my decision. We have had quite
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  Speaker 3: a few discussions lately about what our future looks like
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  Speaker 3: now and the possibility of us having children one day.
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  Speaker 3: The issue I am struggling with is the feeling of
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  Speaker 3: guilt either way. Neither feels right on the top of
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  Speaker 3: what we live in the US, where women's rights are
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  Speaker 3: under attack. Luckily, we live in a state that has
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  Speaker 3: abortion rights protected, but society and likely our religious upbringings
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  Speaker 3: tell you that what you are doing is one hundred
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  Speaker 3: percent wrong. I am trying to reframe this decision as
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  Speaker 3: it's being a teaching moment for a hum and I
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  Speaker 3: as to what we want in life. However, I can't
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  Speaker 3: help but wonder who this child would be, what traits
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  Speaker 3: they would take from each of us. And I can
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  Speaker 3: see my fiance going back and forth with see the
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  Speaker 3: emotions about it, but we are trying to remain strong
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  Speaker 3: in our why. I am also thirty two years young
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  Speaker 3: and worried and wonder if this is meant to be
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  Speaker 3: or if it will be the last opportunity I get
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  Speaker 3: to try to have a child.
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  Speaker 1: It's tough to justify.
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  Speaker 3: Ourselves an abortion at this age when you are very loving,
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  Speaker 3: healthy and in a relationship that is healthy. Nonetheless, I
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  Speaker 3: have my appointment set up for tomorrow and plan to
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  Speaker 3: see it through. Any advice on our situation on dealing
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  Speaker 3: with this grief, moving on afterwards, and how this changes
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  Speaker 3: our relationship would be greatly appreciated.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, so sorry. I kind of imagine being
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  Speaker 1: faced with the decision.
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  Speaker 2: I haven't been in your shoes, so I find it
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  Speaker 2: quite hard to speak on and give advice because I'm
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  Speaker 2: just not sure how it would view it or feel.
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  Speaker 2: But I do think every scenario is so different, and
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  Speaker 2: if it's not right for you, I don't think there's
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  Speaker 2: any shame.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think in that decision it's a lot harder
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  Speaker 3: to with your circumstances as well. Like you said, like
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  Speaker 3: you live in the US, you're religious, like upbringing, You've
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  Speaker 3: got peers around you who are telling you that it's
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  Speaker 3: the wrong thing to do. I mean, I've had an
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  Speaker 3: abortion when I was quite young, but at a very
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  Speaker 3: different situation to what you're in now, different context, different situation,
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  Speaker 3: Like I was in a relationship that I knew was
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  Speaker 3: not good for me. And I was also eighteen years young,
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  Speaker 3: Like I just knew every part of my being was
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  Speaker 3: like this is not what I want my life to
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  Speaker 3: look like. And so I can definitely have a lot
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  Speaker 3: of compassion for that decision and also having gone through it,
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  Speaker 3: and I know it's not an easy thing to go through.
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  Speaker 3: I think this is just one of those things where
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  Speaker 3: this is your life. Yeah, And no one can tell
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  Speaker 3: you how to live your life, religious or not. You
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  Speaker 3: are the one who has to live with your decision.
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  Speaker 1: No one else can tell you that that's right or wrong,
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  Speaker 1: that's right.
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  Speaker 3: You are the one who has to raise the child,
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  Speaker 3: take care of the child. That's a lifelong decision that
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  Speaker 3: you were choosing to make. And so I think the
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  Speaker 3: question you are more asking is like, how do I
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  Speaker 3: deal with it in the aftermath? And I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I always come back to these things. When I went
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  Speaker 3: through this myself, it was just a right now, is
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  Speaker 3: not my time? Like I didn't want to go through
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  Speaker 3: with it because of where I was at, but a
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  Speaker 3: part of me did still question. I thought the exact
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  Speaker 3: same things as you did. And I just remember telling myself, like,
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  Speaker 3: this is just not my time, Like there will be
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  Speaker 3: another child, you know, little soul that comes down and
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  Speaker 3: finds me, and that he's going to be with me
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  Speaker 3: along on the journey and will come to me when
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  Speaker 3: I am ready and when the time is right. And
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  Speaker 3: it sounds like there are a lot of variables in
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  Speaker 3: your life right now, with your relationship and where your
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  Speaker 3: partner's at, and maybe even where you're at of this
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  Speaker 3: time not being right for you, and that's also okay.
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  Speaker 1: And I think you're still really young. Yeah, I think
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  Speaker 1: you're still really young.
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  Speaker 3: Like I don't think thirty two is the cutoff time.
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  Speaker 3: I think you've got plenty of.
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  Speaker 2: Time if you were fifty two maybe, and you know,
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  Speaker 2: fifty two sure.
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  Speaker 3: And the cool thing is, like, you know, things might
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  Speaker 3: change in a year's time, things might change in six
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  Speaker 3: months time, and you might be in a very different position.
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  Speaker 3: But I think giving yourself compassion that you're not doing
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  Speaker 3: this because you have bad intentions. You're doing this because
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  Speaker 3: you think it's the right thing to do. And I
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  Speaker 3: think that's something to be proud of, because a lot
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  Speaker 3: of people, I imagine, go through with things like this
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  Speaker 3: and then haven't fully made the right decision, you know,
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  Speaker 3: or maybe it wasn't the right timing and they went
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  Speaker 3: through with it anyway and they weren't ready.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, and I'm sure.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, I'm not a parent, so I really can't
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  Speaker 3: speak on this, but I imagine that no one ever
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  Speaker 3: regrets having a child because it's the best thing. I've heard,
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  Speaker 3: It's the best thing that you could ever go through.
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  Speaker 3: And also, what I would just say to reiterate is
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  Speaker 3: just trust in your timing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, trust in your timing.
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  Speaker 2: And trust in your decision. If you've made that decision,
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  Speaker 2: which by the time you listen to this, you would
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  Speaker 2: have gone through with it because we get the best
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  Speaker 2: these submissions. You know, whenever this has probably been a
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  Speaker 2: few weeks now, I trust that you made the right
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  Speaker 2: decision in that right time that was right for you.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you're not going to grieve. It doesn't
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  Speaker 2: mean that you're not going to have your what ifs,
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  Speaker 2: because that's completely normal in this harder situation. But you
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  Speaker 2: made that decision for a reason, and you have to
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  Speaker 2: trust that that's your path. That is your path, And
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: as I say every episode, get the support that you need.
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  Speaker 2: You need some support to help you grieve and help
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  Speaker 2: hold you through this. Your partner might even need that support.
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  Speaker 2: I think sometimes we forget about the dads and what
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  Speaker 2: they're going through and the grief they might be going
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  Speaker 2: through because they don't physically carry the child. You think
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  Speaker 2: dads like don't have their own experience, but they most
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  Speaker 2: definitely do, even through birth. You know, dads go through
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  Speaker 2: their own experience and need that support too. So just
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: check in with each other if that's something you do
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  Speaker 2: need some help with. There's no shame in getting help
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  Speaker 2: around that. And also, like I mean, I don't know
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  Speaker 2: because I'm not in a religious family, but what I
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: hear from a lot of women online is who has
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  Speaker 2: to know every detail of your life? If you know
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  Speaker 2: you're going to get judged and criticized and everyone's going
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  Speaker 2: to have the voice of what you've done is right
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  Speaker 2: or wrong, this is also going to be something that
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  Speaker 2: you keep between you and your partner. You don't have
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  Speaker 2: to tell them every detail about your life, especially if
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  Speaker 2: it's going to impact your relationship, your mental health and
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  Speaker 2: you're going to feel all that judgment. You're already carrying enough.
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  Speaker 2: You are carrying enough going through this process. You just
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: lean on each other and that can be your guys
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  Speaker 2: journey together.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree, sending you lots and lots of love.
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  Speaker 2: Though it must be such a big, hard decision, but
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  Speaker 2: I think you just need to lean on that you've
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  Speaker 2: made the decision that felt right for you and no
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  Speaker 2: one can tell you otherwise.
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  Speaker 3: And it sounds like you're towards the end of it.
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  Speaker 3: You are already very certain, like no one's going to
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  Speaker 3: tell me that I'm going tomorrow and nobody's going to
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  Speaker 3: tell me otherwise, And yeah, trust in your intuition, trust
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  Speaker 3: in that you know what is going to be right
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  Speaker 3: for you again, coming back into it, no one can
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  Speaker 3: tell you how to live your life. No one knows
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  Speaker 3: how you feel inside, No one knows what it's going
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  Speaker 3: to feel like to live your life moving forward, like
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  Speaker 3: only you get to decide what that looks like. And
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: everyone is going to have a different opinion based on
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  Speaker 3: what they think is right, based on their beliefs, based
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  Speaker 3: on their religious beliefs. And that's also okay too. People
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: can have their say and their input, but it doesn't
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  Speaker 3: mean that you have to take it. No. I think
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  Speaker 3: it's one of those things where it's like you can
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  Speaker 3: respect somebody else's opinion, know that it comes with love,
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  Speaker 3: and then let it go and take it on with
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  Speaker 3: a grain of salt, even just like what you'll do
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: here with us, take it with a grain of salt.
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  Speaker 3: But listen to yourself and you and your partner get
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  Speaker 3: to make this decision as a team because it really
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  Speaker 3: only involves you.
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  Speaker 1: Too, literally, that's it.
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  Speaker 3: Everyone else is irrelevant and as opposed, like you know,
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  Speaker 3: kind of on the back end of what you said
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  Speaker 3: of like, oh, like I wonder who the child will
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  Speaker 3: be and things like that. I think that's such a
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  Speaker 3: valid thing to wonder. I think it's such a valid
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: thing to wander and because you care and you obviously
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: that's something that you want, and it sounds like you're
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: almost ready for that too.
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  Speaker 1: Curious about that.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but just
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  Speaker 3: knowing that, like the right, beautiful little soul will come
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  Speaker 3: down when it's ready.
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  Speaker 2: And I've had some friends that you know, have had
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: miscarriages or stillborns or lost children, and they believe with
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: their next baby that that spirit comes through the next baby.
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  Speaker 2: So depending on what your beliefs are and what you
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  Speaker 2: make that mean, that could be quite comforting as well,
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  Speaker 2: just knowing that little soul is gonna come back to
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  Speaker 2: you when the time is right and you will get
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  Speaker 2: to know them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it's cooled.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what your beliefs are around this as well,
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  Speaker 3: but I went to a psychic once and she told
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  Speaker 3: me that there's a little boy that's always in my energy,
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  Speaker 3: and she said it was from some kind of experience,
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  Speaker 3: like a miscarri And then I told her about the abortion,
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  Speaker 3: and yeah, she said, I believe that you may have
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: had a miscarriage or something like that, and there's this
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  Speaker 3: little boy, it's a little beautiful soul who is with
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: you every single step of the journey. Like, I don't
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  Speaker 3: know if that's something that would be comforting for you
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: to go and see and see what happens and see
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  Speaker 3: what is said and see how you can connect spiritually
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  Speaker 3: to Yes, that little beautiful soul.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. Sending you so much love. I
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  Speaker 1: hope you're okay.
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  Speaker 2: I hope you're giving yourself some time to rest, not
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: beating yourself up. You made the right decision for you
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: in that moment, and you just got to stand by
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: that and lean on each other and get support if
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: you need.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, sending you so much love.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: We'll chat to you sin Bye bye