Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Tell Your Husband You Can't Do Stuff!

Transcript

Tell Your Husband You Can't Do Stuff! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about how you have
• 0:11
  to tell your husband. You can't do stuff if you want
• 0:14
  him to do stuff and we will get into that mind fuckery and just
• 0:19
  a moment after I tell you to subscribe because I have close
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  to 100 maybe now 100 subscriber episodes and the most recent one
• 0:27
  was on how if you act like a arrogant condescending jerk off
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  in the only way your wife can assert herself.
• 0:34
  Elf is to stop having any attraction to you and totally
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  disconnect from you and hopefully you don't want that.
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  So you may want to listen to the episode.
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  So, anyway, I talked a lot about over functioning.
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  I have a podcast on that posts on that.
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  And that means that when somebody is trained in childhood
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  to Value to that, their only value is based on what they can
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  do and what they can provide. And this happens for both men
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  and women and here, I'm talking about it with women.
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  So I've been talking a lot on Instagram or I have a lot of
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  That mostly female followers. That's my only platform where I
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  still have mostly female followers now, it's pretty much
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  half and half with the podcast with Facebook and on Tick Tock.
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  It's mostly male. So I guess that evens out with
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  Instagram. But anyway, the point is, I've
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  been talking a lot women, right in about being with these like
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  guys that are obviously not going to turn into good
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  husbands, you know, I mean like they're very irresponsible and
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  they the house it is their apartment is a mess, they have
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  Have limited ability to kind of stay on task.
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  They are all over the place. They're just pretty much
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  prioritizing, their hobbies and their friends, not the
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  relationship. But then what women do that
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  stupid is they come in, and they take care of all this stuff.
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  They organize his house, they fix his resume, they have like a
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  fucking social calendar going. They buy him new clothes.
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  They like do all this stuff and it's because they were trained
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  from the time. They were young to do this to
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  over function. They probably saw their mother /
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  function. In this way.
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  And then they end up getting, you know, the man when he's
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  married, he's just keeps doing the same thing.
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  He does nothing and she does everything.
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  And then at some point when she gets sick of it, when she has
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  more confidence, or when she's just physically overwhelmed by
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  having children, then she could no longer do everything.
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  No longer wants to do everything and that she turns to him and
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  says do stuff, but hey, he has zero practice like he can't just
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  do stuff. He hasn't done stuff for like,
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  you know, 15 years or something. Being so he doesn't really know
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  where to start. And also, he always as he's
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  trying to learn how to do stuff, he's going to get it wrong
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  because he's not and by wrong, it's obviously in quotes because
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  it's just her way, is the right way in his ways the wrong way.
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  And she never wants to say she can't do something so he's never
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  going to do it. So like for example if you start
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  to throw up literally as woman, you start to throw up, you have
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  the flu so you're going to go to bed.
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  So then obviously Husband's going to take care of feeding
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  the kids and stuff. If you say that's not obvious,
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  then you probably identify greatly with being an over
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  function ER because you married, somebody who cannot be counted
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  on to leave, you know, to make your kids alive, you know, to
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  make sure that they're living. So you had to see red flags for
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  that early on. I would imagine obviously you're
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  not to be blamed but there was something about you that stepped
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  in and took care of everything to the point that you would,
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  Marry somebody who can't do anything but most people, when
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  the wife has the flu with step up and feed the kids and, and,
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  you know, take care of what has to be taken.
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  Care of because women can't is very different than won't.
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  So a lot of women that are like textbook over function errs,
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  they'll be like, okay? So I want him to do laundry.
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  So I should just have to say, do I'd like you to do laundry right
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  now? I mean like I guess like that
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  like who wants to be talked to like that anyway you know like I
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  certainly would not want to be talked to like that and I could
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  only imagine like in these same situations of the guy said to
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  the woman. I'd like you to do laundry right
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  now and be that would be World War 3, right?
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  So I mean, why not just say I can't do the laundry, you know?
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  Like I'm too tired. I am overwhelmed, I have other
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  stuff. I can't do it and they're just
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  like, not do it. He's not going to not do the
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  laundry. Please believe me.
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  If you get divorced, he's going to do laundry, 100%. 100% of the
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  divorce guys that are in my practice.
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  Have clean. Clothes, is it on the time
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  schedule that the woman would want, no, but they have clean
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  clothes. They have figured it out
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  somehow, whether they bring all the laundry to a laundromat or,
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  you know, to somebody to do it for them or they do it.
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  Most of them just do it. It's done.
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  So, what you need to do is to say, you can't, and these women
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  don't want to say, I can't, because it's in their Entity
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  that they can do everything do every bid.
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  They pile the shit up so high. That they're so overwhelmed but
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  they don't want to say that. So they and they don't feel it.
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  They make some very uncomfortable to say I can't
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  because they think I can. I will just sleep less, I will
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  just eat less, I will just work harder, you know, and that isn't
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  like good for you, and that's going to lead to a breakdown of
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  some sort, whether it's internally or in the marriage.
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  So you got to get used to saying, I can't the other The
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  thing I can't is then you become a human being who sometimes
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  can't do things. Instead of like a superhero that
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  can do everything. And also, you have to be okay
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  with your husband saying I can't.
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  So there's a lot of women that look down on their husband for
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  saying, I can't do that because they've never said, I can't
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  about anything, but you both should be able to say, I can't
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  both should be able to say. These are my limits.
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  I cannot go further than this, and everybody knows that of
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  course in an emergency situation.
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  You could do the laundry even if you were tired and of course you
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  have for years, probably. But now in the context of you
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  want to prioritize feeling like a human and getting some rest
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  and relaxation and you want a more equal marriage where he
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  does more stuff. Then you have to say some I
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  can't and then wait for him to come do the thing, but it may
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  not be on your timeline or the way that you want him to do it
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  but it will get done so I can't do the lunges.
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  I can't do lunches anymore is something that would get a guide
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  to do lunges. You can you're saying I can't do
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  this. Help me.
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  Help me. I can't do this versus, I need
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  you to do lunches because I'm going to do dinner.
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  So you're going to do lunges. I'm going to do dinner and the
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  way that you do the lunches is you take the snacks from here
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  and the sandwich from here. And remember they have to do
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  this and remember this, and this and this and has to go into this
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  Bento Box in this way on this way.
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  But we were nobody wants to live like that to could refer back to
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  my fair play episode which talks about how making these
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  interactions. So So businesslike is usually
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  the death of any romance or love for the majority of couples as
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  it would be if the man. I mean so what a men want?
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  What do I always tell you men want sex, right?
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  So how would you like it? If he was like, so I'd like you
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  to give me a blowjob but not how you usually do that, what I
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  would really like, because what you usually do it, really
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  terrible, and it doesn't get me off at all.
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  So, what I'd like you to do. So we need your right hand over
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  here. And I need your mouth here, and
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  I need the rest of your body here.
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  Should really be wearing this outfit as I've told you for the
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  past seven years, I've told you to wear this outfit and you have
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  it. I mean, holy shit.
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  Like, you'll be filing for divorce, right?
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  And well, of course direct communication in bed is
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  wonderful, and I tell people to do that all the time, it
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  certainly doesn't mean talk to the person, like they're an
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  idiot and a condescending tone, referencing, all their previous
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  failures and being extremely skeptical about their ability to
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  do this, minor tasks in future. That is You know, a recipe for a
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  disaster maritally and in even you wouldn't talk to a friend
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  like that, A co-worker, nobody really except for your husband,
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  so don't do it like that. Say to him, I can't, I need you
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  to do this and that's it, and then he does it, if he doesn't
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  do it. So, if you say, I can't do the
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  laundry and then it's two weeks, nobody has any laundry at all.
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  I mean, you really don't need to go into couples counseling
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  because this person is obviously who What's going on?
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  Maybe there's tremendous executive functioning problems,
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  maybe he's drinking. I mean, maybe he's an addict of
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  some sort. Maybe he has extreme.
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  ADHD, who knows what's going on, but the majority of people, if
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  the spouse can't do something, we'll do it.
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  But only, if the spouse can't do something out of this past,
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  commands them in a very militaristic way to do it, then
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  they won't do it because they'll be mad.
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  And you can figure this out from how you would react in the
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  bedroom, which is something he feels like Is it need the way
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  that you feel like him doing the lunches in the Bento Box?
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  The right way is a need. So you know, you you really want
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  to be comfortable with vulnerability.
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  You want to be able to say I can't, and this is a real
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  paradigm shift for many women who are over functions, and who
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  were raised to say that they could do absolutely everything
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  100% of the time. Or if this is your situation in
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  the gender inverse, and you're the man, who is what I call a
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  Workhorse and you're the one who can do everything 100% of the
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  time, then you need to think about.
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  Are you showing any vulnerability to your wife?
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  If you are the guy as a many guys I work with are, who does
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  do all of the housework and makes all of the money and does
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  most of the childcare? Because there are those guys and
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  do you ever say I can't? And if you did say, I can't
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  would your wife Step Up frequently.
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  Yes. But you just don't want to say,
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  I can't you don't want to be somebody who can't.
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  So therefore she does nothing and I do see this.
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  The woman sits around, you know, and and goes on her phone and
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  does What she considers very important parenting stuff which
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  isn't literally, I mean subjectively it is it?
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  There is objectivity in the world.
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  Subjectively it may be important to sign them up for Camp
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  objectivity though, it is important to feed them, that's
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  more important. And there are people who get
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  into of both genders, who get into a situation where they are
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  never. For example, the one that does
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  any of the life activities with the child.
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  I see that more for men, but I do see some women on
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  increasingly more women that don't and they're married.
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  We're function errs. They are married to guys who
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  say, it's okay, the way we're going to do it as I get home
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  from work at 5:00. That's what I'm going to start
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  the dinner and during that I'm going to work with them on their
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  homework. And then after that, I'm going
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  to do bath. And then after that, I'm going
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  to do bedtime and he never says what's a woman doing because his
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  his entire thing is doing everything and I do see this so
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  for the women that are like yeah right don't believe what popular
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  media tells you it's true. You know there are plenty of
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  people that are encoded Dependent relationships like
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  this, where one does no life activities, and the other does
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  all the life activities and they're both genders on both
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  sides of that. So you need to be, if you're an
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  over function, ER, you need to be somebody who could say I
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  can't. And if you're like, but I can.
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  But you can't because you're so so, so unhappy, and miserable
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  and overwhelmed. You can't, you can't you can't
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  respect your husband while he does nothing.
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  For example, you can't stay happily married.
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  So at least just say, I can't like that, I can't can't not.
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  Because won't this is a power struggle.
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  Can't there's no power struggle. Also with can and you can't
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  criticize them afterwards because you can't.
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  So if they can, that's better than you who can't.
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  So if they do a bad job at the laundry, it's better than you
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  who is now not going to do the laundry.
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  So you have to be happy that they did it, you know, because
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  you can't. So that's how it makes it
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  easier. So a lot of guys have so much
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  less conflict with their wives. When I tell them to say that
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  they can't and that they need the wife to do XYZ, whatever it
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  is. And they don't Believe me, I
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  first until they try it and they don't want to try it because
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  they want to be the guy who would do everything.
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  So, for example, I say to the guy say, I can't figure out what
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  to write in this work. Email, can you help me?
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  I cannot figure out what to say to my coworker who I'm having
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  this issue with the woman will usually be so happy to do it
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  because the guy never relies on her for anything because he's an
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  over function or he would say I can't do bedtime as well as you
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  can. You do it?
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  This isn't over. Function or not a guy who who
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  never does bedtime and saying it's because he can but a guy
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  who always does bedtime and then decides to say I can't do this
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  as well as you can, you do it frequently gets a very positive
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  response from his wife and very often as I'm saying as is the
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  topic of this is the gender in verse when the woman says, I
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  can't. So if the woman says to the guy,
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  I can't deal with the children. I can't deal with the children.
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  I am tapped out. I am going to go for Walk, I
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  can't do this. Then the guy feels like he is
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  needed. He's got to do something with
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  the children. He can't just be on his phone.
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  She is not going to be home. He must get up and do something
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  or other or at least make sure that they were alive and that
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  would be okay for him to just make sure they're alive.
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  So remember what you can't do is you can't say I can't deal with
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  the kids. I'm going to go take a walk.
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  What you got to do is I'd like you to play Parcheesi with them
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  from 7 to 7, 45, and then I'd like you to brush teeth with
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  them. Amber, how that's supposed to
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  take 90 seconds on the timer? The pajamas that they were need
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  to be changed and also, you should have them both tucked in
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  by the time that I get in. So that it's easy for me to talk
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  know what is this? This is a horror story.
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  You know, this turned into something that could be you
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  relying on your husband into that you are micromanaging, your
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  husband, and there is no longer an I can't because he knows I
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  can. So it's like fake.
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  It's like he feels handled and manipulated.
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  That is not what you're going for, all right?
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  So hopefully this was interesting and if you really do
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  struggle with over functioning, again, I have the over
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  functioning post and podcast. I also have the pot, the podcast
• 14:06
  when men never take care of you on a post like that too.
• 14:09
  And people Pleasers and work horses all over my, my posts and
• 14:13
  my podcast and all of that. If you do enjoy all this stuff,
• 14:17
  you should probably be in my Facebook group, which is four
• 14:20
  ninety-nine a month. So even cheaper than the
• 14:21
  subscription for the podcast, which is five ninety-nine a
• 14:24
  month, those are separate things.
• 14:26
  And in the Facebook group, we talked about relationships and
• 14:29
  share memes, and I interact in there, and it's just just so
• 14:32
  much fun for dorky people who like, to talk about psychology,
• 14:36
  all right? Talk to you later.
• 14:37
  Have a great day.