Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 172. 🎅Merry Fake-mas 🎁 Why Pretending You’re Fine Is Killing Connection

Transcript

172. 🎅Merry Fake-mas 🎁 Why Pretending You’re Fine Is Killing Connection · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apologie production.
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Speaker 2: She rises Twelve Days of Christmas. Welcome back to Twelve
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Speaker 2: Days of Christmas. We are officially on day two. We've
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Speaker 2: got Ashy and Tiana here in the studio for you.
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Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. If you missed yesterday, it
0:25
Speaker 1: was all around people pleasing, So if you're a people pleaser,
0:27
Speaker 1: go back and listen to that one. But today's title
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Speaker 1: is Mary fakemus while pretending you're fine is killing connection?
0:33
Speaker 3: Oh, this is a big one.
0:35
Speaker 2: We have this conversation all the time, a real time,
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Speaker 2: just being who you are in the moment, how you feel,
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Speaker 2: and just wearing your heart on your sleeve.
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Speaker 1: It's really tricky though, and we actually a funny episode
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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago about things women say, what
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Speaker 1: we actually mean and I'm fine, you were definitely not fine.
0:53
Speaker 1: Why can't we normalize? We want to normalize if we're
0:56
Speaker 1: not okay, just to say shit, I'm feeling shit today. Yeah,
0:59
Speaker 1: something happened yesterday and I'm just struggling to shake it.
1:01
Speaker 1: And I'm just sitting in it right now so I
1:02
Speaker 1: can move through it, let it be seen, let us
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Speaker 1: soul away. But if you suppress it, it just gets bigger
1:07
Speaker 1: and fessis, and.
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Speaker 2: You know what, it's so easy to do this, right,
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Speaker 2: We all to some degree walk around with a mask on,
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Speaker 2: don't share our deepest things. You know, it's not the
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Speaker 2: first thing that you don't walk up to the gym
1:17
Speaker 2: and like you dump all your shit on somebody, like
1:19
Speaker 2: my childhood trauma is yeah, yeah, yeah, actually this happened yesterday,
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Speaker 2: So can you hold that or good? Yeah, Like, it's
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Speaker 2: not the first thing that you lead with, but it
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Speaker 2: also sometimes becomes a way of like emotional bypassing all
1:31
Speaker 2: of the things that you're currently carrying and doing, because
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Speaker 2: you kind of get used to sweeping it and parking
1:37
Speaker 2: it and compartmentalizing, you know, especially if you're a business
1:40
Speaker 2: owner or I imagine a mum or somebody who has
1:42
Speaker 2: multiple responsibilities where you can't process shit in the moment.
1:46
Speaker 2: You don't have the luxury to do that, so you
1:48
Speaker 2: have to park it and you leave it for later.
1:50
Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, you're isolated. You'll stop
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Speaker 2: spending time with your friends as much. You protect other
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Speaker 2: people because you think it's too heavy for them to
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Speaker 2: carry me. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you're like,
2:01
Speaker 2: why don't I fel connected with the people that I
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Speaker 2: want to be connected.
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Speaker 1: With, or connected to yourself. And I know sometimes in
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Speaker 1: the past when I've said I'm fine because I haven't
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Speaker 1: had the space to grieve or process or talk about it.
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Speaker 1: But sometimes I know I don't want to feel it
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Speaker 1: all because i know it's going to feel really heavy,
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Speaker 1: and I'm just like, I don't have the capacity to
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Speaker 1: even hold that for myself, let alone other people. But
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Speaker 1: it does destroy connection, It really does, because you've got
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Speaker 1: this invisible wall up and you're pretending to be okay
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Speaker 1: when you're really not whereas a lot of the time,
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Speaker 1: and I always think you should ask for permission and
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Speaker 1: say do you have space to hold this? Of course,
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Speaker 1: nine out of ten times, the people that you love
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Speaker 1: will have space for that.
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Speaker 3: Absolutely.
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Speaker 1: We were talking about this the other day, how we
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Speaker 1: feel really sorry for a lot of the men that
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Speaker 1: don't have people to talk to because for us, once
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Speaker 1: we bring something in we'd say we're not fine because
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Speaker 1: of X, Y and Z and da da da. Once
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Speaker 1: we actually talk about it, half the weight has already lifted.
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Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's we're laughing.
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Speaker 3: Like, who resolved. We're on to the next twelve conversation.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, whereas you can see why men's mental health
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Speaker 1: is really struggling because they don't connect and unload and
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Speaker 1: talk like we do. We give metaw reports in every
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Speaker 1: detail about every situation, three nine hundred and eighty six times. Absolutely,
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Speaker 1: and we've moved through.
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Speaker 2: It and in the same amount of detail even after
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Speaker 2: the tenth time.
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Speaker 1: Yes, God, it really helps your body to actually get
3:14
Speaker 1: it out. But with men, they don't. They hold so
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Speaker 1: much and they've been brought up that it's a weakness
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Speaker 1: to ask for help or a weakness to cry or
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Speaker 1: you know, just to move on and hold everyone and
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Speaker 1: be the strong man and keep everything together and provide.
3:26
Speaker 1: But there really needs to be a change in that. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: it's okay to not be fine. And we were talking
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Speaker 1: about this on the drive up here. We're not going
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Speaker 1: to feel fine and good and high vibe every single
3:35
Speaker 1: day of the month.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Two weeks out of the month for us women, we
3:37
Speaker 1: feel on fucking fire. Yeah, other two kind of average.
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Speaker 3: Oh my god, I want to be in a cave.
3:42
Speaker 1: Yeah. Our hormones are just like, it plays a role
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Speaker 1: in our energy and our clarity and how much we
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Speaker 1: can hold and every single day you need to. And
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Speaker 1: this is what we talk about in our subscription for
3:51
Speaker 1: month one is nervous system regulation. It's like you have
3:54
Speaker 1: to check in every single day to know where you're
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Speaker 1: at and what you're going to be able to hold.
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Speaker 1: I know some days I say this if like I
4:00
Speaker 1: just can't hold a lot today this afternoon, you're on
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Speaker 1: bath duty and I'm going to cook dinner. Yes, need
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Speaker 1: minutes just to be in my own energy. And it's
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Speaker 1: really really learning to check in like you do. You're
4:09
Speaker 1: checking how much what are you drink each day? What
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Speaker 1: kind of nutrients your pad? Where's your nervous system at
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Speaker 1: when you wake up? Yes, it's so important. That's why
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Speaker 1: we did a whole month on it, because everything comes
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Speaker 1: back to where your nervous system's at. It's the most important.
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Speaker 1: You can't even grow and do self development if you're justsregulating.
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Speaker 1: Oh my god, you can hear it all, but you're
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Speaker 1: not going to actually start embodying it and integrating it
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Speaker 1: and practicing it until you're regulator.
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Speaker 3: You know what I wish.
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Speaker 2: I wish that I had learned nervous systems oh before
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Speaker 2: I started personal development.
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Speaker 1: The first thing we should all learn, I.
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Speaker 2: Went straight into like ego, shadow work, all that sort
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Speaker 2: of stuff. And when I saw that shit, I was like,
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Speaker 2: I need help. I couldn't regulate myself. I didn't know
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Speaker 2: how to calm myself down.
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Speaker 3: So I'd get to that point.
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Speaker 2: Of like those panic attacks and I'd be like, oh
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Speaker 2: my god, like I actually cannot control this, and I
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Speaker 2: felt so overwhelmed.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like what do I do with this now?
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Speaker 1: And you wouldn't think self development would be something that
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Speaker 1: could send you into such a panic. But if you
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Speaker 1: can't regulate, it's too much. Yes, it's too much going
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Speaker 1: on in this head. And your brain can only hold
5:02
Speaker 1: so much information, so much emotions, so much stress that
5:05
Speaker 1: it just it builds. It's like a boiling kettle and
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Speaker 1: the lid comes off.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: So yeah, keeping yourself regulated. It should be taught in school.
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Speaker 1: That should be a whole subject that every single week
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Speaker 1: they're practicing things, they're teaching them about it, they're understanding
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Speaker 1: what it is in your body tools.
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Speaker 2: I think nervous system would be so powerful learning how
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Speaker 2: to regulate yourself when it comes to connection, right, because
5:24
Speaker 2: when it comes to the things that we're going through,
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Speaker 2: even if we can regulate ourselves a little bit enough
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Speaker 2: to just lean on people for such a causation, because
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Speaker 2: sometimes the conversation is the scary thing. Oh yeah, it's like, well,
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Speaker 2: I'm already harboring all of this hurt and pain and
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Speaker 2: shame already of like the fact that I can't go
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Speaker 2: to people that I love or that I feel like
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Speaker 2: I can't.
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Speaker 3: It's like a now turn illers. Yeah, yes, let alone.
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Speaker 2: To have the conversation and allow somebody to see you
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Speaker 2: in your mess, which is for the most part the
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Speaker 2: scariest thing because we're taught to be perfect and hold
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Speaker 2: it all together and be the strong one and like
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Speaker 2: you know, have a strong foundation or a strong facade even.
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Speaker 1: And then the next thing after that is not only
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Speaker 1: like having awareness of what you've got going on, having
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Speaker 1: the bravery to come in and have the conversation be
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Speaker 1: seen in it. And then also the other person's going
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Speaker 1: to have their experience, so now you have to be
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Speaker 1: regulated enough to hold them as well as holding yourself.
6:10
Speaker 1: And that's parenting one I one as well. Yeah, you
6:12
Speaker 1: think it's all about keeping your kids calm, like a
6:14
Speaker 1: lot of the time, it's actually our stress response. We're
6:17
Speaker 1: not keeping ourselves calm. So how the fuck are you
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Speaker 1: meant to get them calm? How can we teach them?
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Speaker 1: How can we show them if we're not regulating? You know,
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Speaker 1: it's so true, it's so hard, and it's a continuous work,
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Speaker 1: but it is the most important thing. So back to yeah,
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Speaker 1: talking about saying I'm fine when you're not. It is
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Speaker 1: ruining your connection. It is ruining your energy, It is
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Speaker 1: ruining your mood. It is destroying so much that you
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Speaker 1: value and you could be enjoying by just suppressing and
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Speaker 1: pretending that you're all okay.
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Speaker 2: And do you know how much energy it actually takes
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Speaker 2: to suppress the shop you're holding, to put hold, to hold,
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Speaker 2: to put on a fake mask, and to like be here.
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Speaker 2: Let's say, like you know, you're out with your girlfriends
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Speaker 2: and you're having lunch and you trying to show face
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Speaker 2: and smile and hold it together. You go home and
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Speaker 2: all you want to do is cry, literally, because it
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Speaker 2: takes ten times the amount of energy to do that
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Speaker 2: than it does to just be like, hey, I actually
7:05
Speaker 2: just feeling a bit shit today. We can just take
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Speaker 2: it easy today. Boom done, It's over.
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Speaker 1: You feel supported, relax, you breathe, You're nervous, and then
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Speaker 1: your body actually says I'm safe, yes, you know, which
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Speaker 1: is really beautiful.
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Speaker 2: And then also as well, you give you know, this
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Speaker 2: is the biggest thing. We don't give the people we
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Speaker 2: love enough of an opportunity to hold us in the
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Speaker 2: shit that we're going through. So true because a lot
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Speaker 2: of the times, speaking from experience here, I used to
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Speaker 2: be like, nobody understands, nobody gets it, nobody's ever been
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Speaker 2: through what I've been through, and like all these things
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Speaker 2: are like nobody can hold me, but I never gave
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Speaker 2: them the opportunity, yes.
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Speaker 1: To even try.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like, what if we just gave the people
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Speaker 2: we love the opportunity to support us? Yeah, because you
7:41
Speaker 2: will likely feel supported, but it starts with you. And
7:45
Speaker 2: I think when it comes to connection, it really requires
7:48
Speaker 2: a strong level of vulnerability.
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Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
7:50
Speaker 2: And sometimes when you are vulnerable, you feel a little
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Speaker 2: bit like you have a vulnerability hangover.
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Speaker 3: You know, you're like, oh, did I share too much?
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Speaker 1: Especially being an anxious girl, You're.
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Speaker 3: Gonna be like, oh my god, they're gonna think I'm
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Speaker 3: a fucking weirdo.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, they're gone, yeah my friend.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And it will make you want to lie close up.
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Speaker 2: But if you can resist that urge to close up
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Speaker 2: and you continue leaning in, especially if they've shown you
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Speaker 2: it's safe and they can hold you, Yeah, you will
8:14
Speaker 2: create really beautiful connections.
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Speaker 1: And I like that word hold, not fix. So it
8:19
Speaker 1: is a personal example. Is obviously going through the grief
8:22
Speaker 1: process with Megsie. I've had times where I felt like
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Speaker 1: I'm failing her and I haven't known what to say
8:28
Speaker 1: or what to do. And we had this conversation. It
8:30
Speaker 1: was really really beautiful, and she's like, I didn't need
8:32
Speaker 1: you to say anything. You can't say anything wrong. I
8:35
Speaker 1: just need you to be there. Yeah, I just need
8:37
Speaker 1: you to hold me, just hear me, ask me questions
8:40
Speaker 1: like don't be scared to come to me because and
8:42
Speaker 1: I actually bumped into a friend of ours just talking
8:45
Speaker 1: about this in general. He has shared a story that
8:48
Speaker 1: his friend had lost his son to cancer and his
8:51
Speaker 1: friends didn't know how to hold him in his grief
8:54
Speaker 1: and so they kind of abandoned him. Oh, they because
8:56
Speaker 1: they felt like they were failing him so much. They
8:59
Speaker 1: felt shame around that that they just avoided him. And
9:01
Speaker 1: then with one of his friends came to him, He's like, man,
9:03
Speaker 1: I just wanted to go for a beer with you. Oh,
9:05
Speaker 1: I just needed you to let me talk. I just
9:07
Speaker 1: wanted someone to be there for me. So it's like,
9:09
Speaker 1: even if it's scary to hold someone in their heaviness,
9:12
Speaker 1: you don't have to fix them. They're not broken. You
9:14
Speaker 1: don't have to say the right thing. You just open
9:16
Speaker 1: your palms, open your heart, have some presence and just
9:19
Speaker 1: be there for them. And it is really difficult, Like
9:22
Speaker 1: I remember just crying to make him, just saying like
9:24
Speaker 1: I wish I could do more, I wanted to watch,
9:26
Speaker 1: Like there's nothing more that you need to do or
9:27
Speaker 1: can do, just be And from then it's been you know,
9:30
Speaker 1: it's beautiful, but still super difficult. And whether it's greed
9:34
Speaker 1: for a friendship break like you know your girlfriend's going
9:36
Speaker 1: through an heartbreak or they've lost their job, Like you
9:39
Speaker 1: can't fix that for them, but you can just show
9:42
Speaker 1: up and hold them. And it doesn't even need to
9:43
Speaker 1: be physical. You're not a physical touch person. When we
9:45
Speaker 1: say hold, we don't mean you have to physically hold them,
9:48
Speaker 1: just hold the energy. It's like safety doesn't always mean
9:51
Speaker 1: that someone's gonna hit you. Emotional safety honestly be that
9:54
Speaker 1: it's everything.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And for the most part, sometimes it's just listening.
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Speaker 3: That's holding is listening.
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Speaker 2: It's like not needing to interject, not to say anything,
10:03
Speaker 2: not needing to give advice. It's just I'm listening here
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Speaker 2: and I'm listening, and that honestly goes such a long
10:10
Speaker 2: way because that might invite that person to open up
10:13
Speaker 2: even more. And you know what tends to happen once
10:16
Speaker 2: they start talking, Even if there's a pause, there's always
10:19
Speaker 2: more because they're thinking, they're processing, they're thinking in it,
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Speaker 2: they're in it.
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Speaker 1: Let them go there, let them feel it all. And
10:24
Speaker 1: if you can hold all, they can then move through
10:26
Speaker 1: some of that. And if it's just for that day,
10:28
Speaker 1: you've taken weight off their shoulders. Were just holding it
10:30
Speaker 1: for them.
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Speaker 2: And this is such a powerful thing. Relationships are reciprocal energy.
10:34
Speaker 2: It's like, how good of a friend can you be
10:36
Speaker 2: and how open can you be to connection in terms
10:40
Speaker 2: of giving that to somebody and then also receiving that.
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Speaker 1: Receiving's hard too, it is.
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Speaker 2: It's a two way street when it comes to connection.
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Speaker 2: It's not just about being a good friend, but it's
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Speaker 2: about being able to receive good friends too.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's interesting. I think that's come up for me
10:54
Speaker 1: a couple of times with you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we like conversations like this early on in our friendship.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like, maybe realize my worthiness of good friendships.
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Speaker 1: I can't remember a particular conversation, but I remember coming
11:05
Speaker 1: to you when you were grateful for me and saying
11:06
Speaker 1: all this nice stuff, and I was just like, I
11:08
Speaker 1: remember saying to you, I believe you and thank you,
11:10
Speaker 1: but I don't ought to say and you were like, oh,
11:12
Speaker 1: you're struggling to receive this because you've got wounds there,
11:15
Speaker 1: and was like, don't believe that you're worthy of this.
11:16
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, fuck, it was really hard for
11:19
Speaker 1: me to hear it. Like I almost wanted to push
11:20
Speaker 1: it away because I was like, why am I feeling
11:22
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with her expressing love to me? Yeah, And I
11:25
Speaker 1: remember talking to Steve about it. He's like, this is
11:27
Speaker 1: what you've always wanted as a friend that really sees
11:29
Speaker 1: you and appreciates you and doesn't ask anything of you
11:32
Speaker 1: and she's just loving on you. I was like, I know,
11:34
Speaker 1: but just felt uncomfortable in the moment. I definitely can
11:37
Speaker 1: receive it well now, but yeah, it's just an interesting
11:39
Speaker 1: conversation more more my love reflection. If you guys listening,
11:44
Speaker 1: do you struggle to receive help, not even ask for it,
11:47
Speaker 1: but receive it as well?
11:48
Speaker 3: That's a big one.
11:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is like what you mentioned, like if you're
11:51
Speaker 2: experience in the past with friends, let's say, has been
11:53
Speaker 2: more on the negative side. Not always, but yeah, that's
11:55
Speaker 2: been a common theme when you receive something different. It's unfamiliar, right.
11:59
Speaker 1: It's unfamiliar and we don't know and feel safe. It's like, oh,
12:02
Speaker 1: this isn't gonna last.
12:03
Speaker 2: When something is, she's gonna go like, I don't trust you.
12:06
Speaker 2: I used to feel like that too. I remember feeling
12:08
Speaker 2: unworthy of good friendships as well when I had that
12:11
Speaker 2: friendship like a way back when, and I remember thinking
12:13
Speaker 2: like like questionable, Yeah, because I also had issues and
12:17
Speaker 2: wounds with females and didn't trust females in general until
12:20
Speaker 2: I created safety in myself. But it's a hard thing
12:22
Speaker 2: to be able to receive it if all you've known
12:25
Speaker 2: is more negative experiences, and so that even can feel
12:29
Speaker 2: like it not pushes you away, but you almost want
12:30
Speaker 2: to resist it. Yeah, it's like because it feels safer
12:33
Speaker 2: to protect yourself. Yeah, but it's not it's putting an
12:35
Speaker 2: invisible wall to your connection.
12:37
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:37
Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, if you're honest
12:39
Speaker 1: with yourself, we're all craving more connection. Yes, it's the
12:41
Speaker 1: common thing that comes through our best submissions and our
12:45
Speaker 1: dms all the time. I want a friendship like yours.
12:47
Speaker 1: How do I cultivate this? How do I meet my people?
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Speaker 1: Wish I had this? Yeah, it is so common. We're
12:51
Speaker 1: all we're not meant to do life alone. All crave
12:54
Speaker 1: connection and to walk through life together because it's like
12:57
Speaker 1: full of ups and downs.
12:58
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing with us is even in
13:00
Speaker 2: the moments where we had uncomfortable moments like that, or
13:03
Speaker 2: if even if things have come up for me, we really.
13:05
Speaker 3: Into each other.
13:05
Speaker 2: Yeah. So instead of naturally leaning away from each other
13:08
Speaker 2: and going, oh my god, I need to protect myself
13:10
Speaker 2: right now, we go, hey, can you hold me in this?
13:13
Speaker 3: Can you hold me?
13:13
Speaker 2: Because I'm like having something come up for me and
13:16
Speaker 2: I don't know what's coming up, but like I just
13:18
Speaker 2: want you to hear me.
13:19
Speaker 1: And it's a practice too. This is not something we
13:21
Speaker 1: got taught as little girls. This is something we actively
13:23
Speaker 1: have to practice now. It's not easy, but It's so
13:26
Speaker 1: beautiful and the more you do it, the less uncomfortable.
13:29
Speaker 1: It feels absolutely like anything new with self development, it's
13:32
Speaker 1: going to feel so like, oh not okay.
13:35
Speaker 2: And you know with the vulnerability, the art of doing
13:38
Speaker 2: this and like leaning into people instead of away from
13:40
Speaker 2: people is expanding your capacity for vulnerability. Yes, like you're
13:44
Speaker 2: teaching yourself I can handle this, I can hold this.
13:47
Speaker 2: This isn't bad. I'm not going to die by doing this.
13:50
Speaker 2: I'm actually safe to be here. And when you feel
13:52
Speaker 2: safe in your own vulnerability with yourself and honesty about
13:55
Speaker 2: how you're feeling, you will so easily be able to
13:57
Speaker 2: do that with others. Obviously it takes time, but like
14:00
Speaker 2: you will get better with others as well.
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Speaker 3: But it really does start with you.
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Speaker 1: It does. It's so beautiful. So I thought we'd tell
14:05
Speaker 1: a personal story of times that we've said we're fine
14:08
Speaker 1: about something when we're really not. Mine. For me, was
14:10
Speaker 1: a close family member that still has a metala and
14:13
Speaker 1: I left it for the first year and understand everyone's
14:16
Speaker 1: busy and they don't live locally or whatever. But after
14:19
Speaker 1: the second year I spoke up and I was like,
14:21
Speaker 1: this feels really sad that you haven't met her yet,
14:23
Speaker 1: and she's my daughter and such a big part of
14:25
Speaker 1: my life, and I pretend that I was like okay.
14:27
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, they're busy, they're busy, they're busy,
14:29
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I was like, no, I'm
14:30
Speaker 1: not okay with this. I want you to meet my daughter.
14:32
Speaker 1: And it caused a massive rift. It didn't go down
14:35
Speaker 1: very well. And it's really scary when you be vulnerable
14:38
Speaker 1: and then you get met with resistance or pushed away.
14:41
Speaker 1: But you can't let that become your new narrative, that
14:44
Speaker 1: you can't have those conversations once again. If someone can't
14:47
Speaker 1: hold you in it, it's nothing to do with you. Yeah,
14:49
Speaker 1: it's their capacity of what they can hold and how
14:51
Speaker 1: they can hold their triggers and how disregulated they are,
14:53
Speaker 1: and what's coming up for them for them now pron reflection,
14:56
Speaker 1: I'm like, they must feel shameful and embarrassed and sad.
14:59
Speaker 1: They also haven't met her, and now it's like they're
15:01
Speaker 1: going to avoid me because it's too uncomfortable to have
15:03
Speaker 1: that conversation. That's time that's really stuck out for me
15:06
Speaker 1: where I was very brave to have that conversation, but
15:09
Speaker 1: it wasn't met well, and that was really tough. That
15:10
Speaker 1: would have been so hard to hop Yeah, it's hard
15:12
Speaker 1: when you get evidence that it's not easy. Yes, but
15:14
Speaker 1: this is the thing. You're not always going to be
15:16
Speaker 1: met with what you think. You know. We had a
15:18
Speaker 1: conversation about this a few days ago, and remember you
15:20
Speaker 1: said like, oh, I should just be easy to do this.
15:21
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, but it's not. I know, it's not
15:24
Speaker 1: easy for people to communicate and to have those hard conversations.
15:27
Speaker 1: It feels easier. And I know because I used to
15:29
Speaker 1: do this, I just avoid it. Yeah, I would just suppress,
15:32
Speaker 1: suppres suppressed because it was easy. It felt easier to
15:35
Speaker 1: suppress than to lean in.
15:36
Speaker 3: Yeah.
15:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, what about you, Is it been a time where
15:38
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm definitely not fucking fine.
15:40
Speaker 3: Yeah.
15:41
Speaker 2: There was a time of my life when I so
15:43
Speaker 2: I'd moved to Cronola with my best friend at the time,
15:46
Speaker 2: and then we had a friendship breakdown, and I was
15:48
Speaker 2: basically Increnola by myself. Like she had her family, she
15:51
Speaker 2: had kids, she had a support system around her in Cronola,
15:54
Speaker 2: whereas like I felt like I was kind of by
15:56
Speaker 2: myself so I stayed in Cronula for like another eight months,
15:59
Speaker 2: and yeah, I just kind of like did life on
16:01
Speaker 2: my own. And in that time, I didn't just lose her.
16:03
Speaker 2: I lost a whole community of women. It was not
16:05
Speaker 2: just like one friendship. It was like a whole community
16:07
Speaker 2: of women that I had leant on at that time.
16:10
Speaker 2: And I remember trying to make friends within like that
16:13
Speaker 2: eight month period after that, and I really struggled because
16:16
Speaker 2: I felt like I was wearing a mask, like I
16:18
Speaker 2: didn't want to let anybody else in because I was
16:21
Speaker 2: scared of trusting females again because of how many of
16:25
Speaker 2: them like kind of like just kind of disowned me.
16:27
Speaker 2: That's how it felt. Doesn't necessarily mean it's true, but
16:29
Speaker 2: that's how it felt. And I struggled to let other
16:32
Speaker 2: women in. But even if I did and people asked
16:34
Speaker 2: me how I was, I was just like, yeah, like
16:36
Speaker 2: I'm good and well business great, da da dah, but
16:38
Speaker 2: I was fucking broken inside. Like I literally hired a
16:42
Speaker 2: coach for twelve months to grieve that friendship and to
16:46
Speaker 2: also grieve the other women that I lost as well
16:48
Speaker 2: in that time, Like the betrayal wound.
16:51
Speaker 3: That it created in me, that I've already had just
16:53
Speaker 3: deepened that wound for me.
16:55
Speaker 2: And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's anyone's
16:57
Speaker 2: fault or anything like that. There was always two to tango,
17:00
Speaker 2: but it was so heartbreaking, and in that time I
17:03
Speaker 2: was just like posting on social media like nothing had happened.
17:07
Speaker 2: When people would ask me about it, I would ignore it,
17:09
Speaker 2: like I just people always asking, oh my god, you
17:11
Speaker 2: guys are always together and now you're not. I'm just like, oh,
17:13
Speaker 2: con't be bothered with this. Yeah, I don't want to
17:15
Speaker 2: share openly about like what's going down, because nobody else's business.
17:18
Speaker 3: Yeah and yeah.
17:19
Speaker 2: In that time, I literally pretended like I was fine.
17:21
Speaker 2: And it took me like a good year to like
17:23
Speaker 2: actually come out of that and like find my feet again,
17:26
Speaker 2: a feeling good and confident, and then like feeling safe
17:29
Speaker 2: again to like want to let new people into my life.
17:31
Speaker 2: But for a really long time there, I really kept
17:33
Speaker 2: people at arm's lengths because I was like, why the
17:35
Speaker 2: fuck would I trust anybody when I've had more than
17:37
Speaker 2: ten women in one go decide that I'm not good
17:40
Speaker 2: enough as a friend, you know, like so.
17:42
Speaker 1: Tir yeah, one percent, you know, yeah, walk around that
17:45
Speaker 1: mask is exhausting. It can start little like, you know, automatically,
17:48
Speaker 1: if someone says, hey, you going normally you're a one. Yeah,
17:50
Speaker 1: good busy time, how are you going? Yeah, it's like
17:53
Speaker 1: that's not even real, Like, no, why can't we normalize
17:55
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, Fuck, i had a really
17:57
Speaker 1: hard day with the kids yesterday. I'm feeling pretty disregulated
17:59
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, but hopefully today's better. Then it
18:02
Speaker 1: invites the other person and be like, oh my gosh,
18:03
Speaker 1: me too, like I'm really feeling it this season. Then
18:05
Speaker 1: you get to connect. Yeah, it's not you don't have
18:07
Speaker 1: to dump all your trauma on a little casual conversation,
18:10
Speaker 1: but you also don't have to fake it, yeah, and
18:12
Speaker 1: pretend that you're completely okay and fine when you're not.
18:14
Speaker 2: You know, it's funny about what you just said. For
18:16
Speaker 2: the most part, every time somebody says that you're thinking
18:19
Speaker 2: of the top three things that are actually going on
18:20
Speaker 2: in your life, yeah, at the top of mind that,
18:22
Speaker 2: you're like, my god, the things I could tell you.
18:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, the shit I hard tell you hours, you know.
18:29
Speaker 2: But it's just like, why are we so scared to
18:31
Speaker 2: like just be open and vulnerable just be seen. Yeah,
18:34
Speaker 2: you know what I think it is. It's the fear
18:36
Speaker 2: of messiness. It's the fear of being seen as imperfect or.
18:39
Speaker 1: Flawed or yeah, they won't love us. Because we're wired
18:42
Speaker 1: to be in a tribe and to be together. You
18:44
Speaker 1: don't want to be outcast from the tribe.
18:45
Speaker 2: I am the first person to say I have tried
18:48
Speaker 2: to wear the perfect mask. I've tried to wear my
18:50
Speaker 2: hair perfect and speak perfect. I used to watch how
18:52
Speaker 2: to have good etiquette videos on fucking social media because
18:55
Speaker 2: I felt like I needed to be this perfectly constructed
18:57
Speaker 2: version of myself. It doesn't fucking work. It doesn't work,
19:01
Speaker 2: and honestly, you just feel further and further away from yourself,
19:04
Speaker 2: and people feel further and further away. Oh yeah, because
19:07
Speaker 2: I believe that when I was that version of me,
19:10
Speaker 2: people you'll be able to understand if you've seen this
19:12
Speaker 2: in others or you do this too, where people be like, oh,
19:15
Speaker 2: just just something about it. I just don't know what
19:17
Speaker 2: it is. Yeah, I don't fully trust her. I wasn't vulnerable,
19:20
Speaker 2: I wasn't open. People never got to see the real me.
19:22
Speaker 2: It was always this fake version of myself that I
19:25
Speaker 2: thought I needed to be. Yeah, and that does not
19:27
Speaker 2: create connection.
19:28
Speaker 1: No, it doesn't. That's a complete opposite of what you.
19:29
Speaker 3: Are telling you from personal experience.
19:32
Speaker 1: We hope you guys enjoyed this episode and you've taken
19:35
Speaker 1: a lot away from it because it's a really important
19:38
Speaker 1: topic and it is really scary, and it's really uncomfortable.
19:41
Speaker 1: And we did say from the start there's going to
19:42
Speaker 1: be some uncomfortable conversations here and a lot of self
19:45
Speaker 1: reflection for you to have. And you can turn off
19:47
Speaker 1: this podcast and go about your normal day, or you
19:49
Speaker 1: can maybe get out of journal and just sit with
19:51
Speaker 1: yourself for five ten minutes and be like, hmm, where
19:53
Speaker 1: do I do this in my life?
19:54
Speaker 3: Yeah?
19:55
Speaker 1: Where can I change that? Where can I create more vulnerability?
19:57
Speaker 1: Am I wanting deeper connections? Okay? Well how do I
19:59
Speaker 1: create that? Am I part of the problem of not
20:01
Speaker 1: having good people in my life? Okay? What do I
20:03
Speaker 1: do from here? Yea, Like why would you not?
20:06
Speaker 2: The biggest common thing that I see as well and
20:08
Speaker 2: messages that I get is like, you know, I'm so lonely.
20:11
Speaker 2: I'm so lonely. I don't have anybody in my life.
20:13
Speaker 2: But this is one of those moments like what you
20:14
Speaker 2: just mentioned, are you actually putting yourself out there? Yeah,
20:18
Speaker 2: because you really do have to put effort into anything
20:21
Speaker 2: that you do in order to get a result out.
20:23
Speaker 2: You have to be willing to try and put yourself
20:25
Speaker 2: out there, say hello, like really extend yourself, because if
20:28
Speaker 2: you want to get out of this phase of like
20:30
Speaker 2: feeling more lonely and feeling like you don't have good
20:31
Speaker 2: people around you, really just check on how much you
20:35
Speaker 2: sit in your comfort bubble.
20:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, so true. Hope you guys enjoyed and we'll see
20:39
Speaker 1: you tomorrow. Don't forget top day's Christmas Day three tomorrow.
20:41
Speaker 3: Bye,