Latest / The Kink Consultant / Intimacy Isn't A Feeling, It's A Skill: An Interview With The Somatica Founders

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Intimacy Isn't A Feeling, It's A Skill: An Interview With The Somatica Founders · The Kink Consultant

0:08
It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Guess what?
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March 20th to March 23rd in Las Vegas, I'm hosting a couples
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retreat. If you and your partner keep
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talking about building a Dom sub dynamic but all you've done is
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consume content and argue about what it's supposed to look like,
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listen up. You need to stop the arising and
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start actually building your dynamic based on what works for
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you too. Sure, you already know the
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basics, you've read the books, you've watched the videos.
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But what you don't have is clarity about roles, power,
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boundaries or how to actually live this lifestyle without
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second guessing yourselves. You're going to leave knowing
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who leads, who surrenders, how power moves between you and how
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to hold that dynamic with confidence in and out of the
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bedroom. This is personal coaching in a
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retreat environment. Spots are limited on purpose, so
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head to amandadames.com/couples Retreat or the link in the show
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notes to book your spot now. Hey everyone, and welcome to
1:18
this week's episode of The King Consultant.
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I am joined by the the founders of the Somatica Method, which is
1:26
the training course I went through to become a certified
1:29
sex and relationship coach. I am Somatica certified.
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So I'd say in terms of people who have changed the trajectory
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of my life and career, we are sitting with the two people who
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kicked it off for me. And I am delighted to introduce
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Danielle and Celeste of Sabatica.
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Welcome. Thank you.
1:46
Thank you for having us. Thank you, Amanda.
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Excited to be here. I'm excited to have you here and
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you both reached out to me about being on the podcast.
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And I have to be honest, when you did, I was like, why have I
1:57
not asked them before? And I realized it's because I
2:01
still have a very teacher student mentality of I can't ask
2:06
them. They're so busy.
2:06
They're so important to be on this podcast.
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So I'm truly honored to have you here.
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And I'm only sorry that I didn't do it sooner because I have so
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many people come to me and ask, how did you become the King
2:17
Consultant? And I tell them I became a
2:20
Somatica certified sex relationship coach.
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And that is how I became the King Consultant.
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So that's the kinky fantasy right there, isn't it?
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Teacher student? Yeah.
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It is absolutely one of mine, yes, literally is.
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I know. So I like to be a little bit
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scared and nervous. So I'm in my happy place right
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now. Me.
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Too, by the way, it gives me something good.
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I have done a lot of training with you.
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I've been in your Class A lot. You pulled out these things
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sometimes and I'm reminded, Oh yes, Danielle is kinky and so is
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Celeste. So.
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I'm a little vanilla. I mean, I'm kinky in my brain,
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but I'm a little vanilla in my sex life, just to be honest.
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You know, I have to out myself. You know what it is though, It's
3:03
following on Instagram and seeing how open you are.
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To me that has been like, oh, that feels kinky, The openness
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alone. Oh my God, you.
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I feel so seen. You understand my vulnerability
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kink. Oh, I'd love that.
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Celebrate you for putting yourself out there like that
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then. I love it.
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Oh, OK. All right, Danielle, I've seen
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you submit on video through teaching too, so I have that
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tracks to love. There are so many fascinating
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things that happen when you're in Somatica training.
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So let's take it all the way back.
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I'm going to ask you a question that I pause when I get this and
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I'm like, remember my training. What is Somatica?
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Can we start there? Absolutely, yeah.
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Somatica is a method of sex and relationship coaching that
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really uses mutual vulnerability.
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Oh, there's that vulnerability kink again and kind of deep
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interpersonal connection, emotional and erotic connection
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to help people learn and grow in their sex and relationship lives
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and to get like the best tools for intimacy.
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So it's actually practicing intimacy in real time, which
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helps people feel really confident and empowered when
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they go out and do it in their lives.
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And you know, I think when people talk about sex and
4:14
relationship certification and things like that, we just didn't
4:17
have a different name for it because Somatica is so unique.
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It's a method. It's not just giving advice,
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it's not about, I'll tell you what you need to do.
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It's very relational. And therefore it's like the
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Somatica method is a certification by itself because
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it's such a standalone method. It really is.
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It's hard to explain it, but when I use it in my coaching
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sessions, people either think I'm a mind reader, I'm extremely
4:42
intuitive, or that I'm magic because it really breaks down
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how to listen and attune to the person you're talking to.
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And I think that there's just such a disassociation from like
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attunement between people and maybe it's phones.
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We could get into that another time.
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It breaks it down South that you as a coach can attune to the
5:01
person you're with. And I think you're just able to
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help them so much faster because of that.
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It's not face to face. It's like, let's bring this
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together and explore. And that's been my personal
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experience explaining of how the Somatica method works after
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being coached through it. So.
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What are your backgrounds that got you to even being the people
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who would teach? A lot of people ask me that
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they're like, well, what's your background?
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And I kind of go blah, blah, blah, blah, Somatica.
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And then it was like before and after Somatica is my background.
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I'd love to hear your before Somatica.
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Yeah, so I have my bachelor in psychology and my masters in
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clinical social work. I moved to the US and I was
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like, there's nothing in me that wanna do the tradition way of
5:43
working with people. It was not satisfying.
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There were like tools. I learned a lot of those
5:47
clinical tools that work with people was something not
5:49
satisfying about it. And then when I went on my own
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journey of exploration around sexuality and I was like, wow,
5:55
this is so much more mind blowing.
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Like people don't understand the potential of sexuality.
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I got my PhD in human sexuality. I was like, that's it.
6:05
That's why I want to live my life in the realm of sexuality
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because it's just really, really mind blowing in terms of the
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catalyst of change that's possible around sexuality is
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really powerful. I couldn't agree more.
6:17
I think my whole life, sex has been so central to my experience
6:21
of nourishment in the world. It's what keeps me grounded and
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happy and, you know, continuing to want to wake up in the
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morning. So it's really a big part of who
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I am. And I knew my whole life that I
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wanted to do something around sexuality.
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So I got my bachelor's in women's studies.
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And then there was this new human sexuality studies program
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starting at San Francisco State. I was part of the first class
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because I was like, Oh my God, yes, finally.
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So that's where I did that. And then I did some research on
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adolescent sexuality development, which was really
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informative in terms of gender socialization and how that
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impacts all of us. And then I went on my own
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journey as well in taking more experiential classes and ended
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up in psychological body work, which is where I met the
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beautiful Danielle Harrell. And you know, the rest is
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history, I guess. You know, we created the method
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together really organically through working with people.
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And it was a responsive method to see what people really needed
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in the world of emotional and erotic intimacy and to create a
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method that helped people with what they were asking for help
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with. One of my biggest takeaways from
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Somatica is how you tackle shame head on.
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And I'm wondering, did you know going into the somatic method
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and like when you created it and worked through it, did you
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understand how impactful shame was and the de shame ifying
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process to helping people? Or is that something that
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evolved overtime? I think it was very much from
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the beginning, but like a central part of what Danielle
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and I have always believed in, which is that people have so
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much shame around so many things, right?
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Not just sex, but sex. It's really way worse because of
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religiosity and all the negative messaging.
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And we knew like we had to be ruthless D shame of fires in
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order for people to be able to beat themselves in the world
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basically, and especially in their erotic lives.
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Yeah, and we really have allergy, I'm gonna call it
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allergy to people that are in power position, the leaders in
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the field or anything like that, that make it look like there's
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only one way to have sex. So there's one way that's the
8:18
right way. So we have like real allergic
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reaction. People say there's only one way
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to have sex. And I was like, no, no, no,
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there's a many ways. And we want to help you find
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what's really works for you because at the end of the day,
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you are who you are. You don't choose what turn you
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on. You don't decide how you you
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want to show up in the world with your erotic life, but you
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decide how you want to show up, but you don't decide what turns
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you on. And then like helping people
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really accept it about themselves and see like, that's
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who I am. Let it be the thing that's
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bright about me and not the thing that's bad about me.
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That's so inherent and so intertwined.
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The shamifying in the Somatica method.
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Feel not so deeply and I'm getting so excited because I'm
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like, I know you did that for me.
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But truly I am going to take a moment because I was thinking as
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this interview came up, it was like, oh, how do I encapsulate
9:08
everything Somatica did for me? And I think this is a personal
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story that a lot of my followers know.
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I have a lot of shame about my weight and it has caused huge
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swings in my happiness in life. I will say, and one of the
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things that Somatica did when you're talking about intimacy,
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how we show up or just relationships, Somatica helped
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me take away the idea that how much worse I put in a number on
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the scale. And it's truly helped me move
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away from that, which allows me to show up more confidently in
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how I love my own body. And I get so much more excited
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about engaging in anything sexual, erotic, anything to do
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with my own nudity in front of a partner.
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And Somatica helps peel away some of that shame and where I
9:48
was putting worth and value. So like, yeah, you can choose
9:51
how you show up. And one of those things is
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working on showing up confidently.
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But then what turns you on? On that page?
9:58
I talk a lot about how I didn't choose to be a spanko.
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I didn't choose to love to be spanked.
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I was Born This Way and how I embraced it had to change so
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that I could actually start enjoying my sex life.
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I had luckily discovered how to enjoy my sex life and enjoy
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spanking and be proud of that before Somatica, but those other
10:16
elements of how I showed up were really enhanced through
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Somatica. That's tonight.
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It's something like the fact that you ever questioned how
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fucking gorgeous you are enrages me.
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I mean, look at you for God's. It's like insane.
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I'm sorry. It's insane.
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It makes me so mad. And I'm allergic to scales.
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I won't even let them tell me my weight at Kaiser, you know, it's
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just like, I'm sorry. I just, I had to say.
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I had to say this world and this world can make somebody as
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fucking gorgeous as you feel like insecure about themselves
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and there's something wrong with this world.
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That's all I'm going to say. I can't disagree and I get angry
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at society in general and I have to just bring it inside and be
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like this is who I am and I'm proud and happy about it.
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And if I'm not, this is the other big thing.
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It's not the end of the world. Do you know what I mean?
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For some people who haven't experienced somatic, it can be
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really hard to even conceptualize what it's like and
11:09
how it's different from therapy. Would you mind at a high level
11:13
helping listeners understand? If I were to come into your
11:17
office or any Somatica practitioner, what would I
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experience? What would a session look like
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and feel like? And how is it different from
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normal therapy? I know there's a lot in there,
11:25
but just paint the picture in whatever way you'd like.
11:28
I want to help people understand.
11:29
So when you step into a Somatica office, it's like it's a
11:33
completely different experience. It might look the same because
11:36
you sit and you talk, but first I think like the way that I hold
11:42
myself and I encourage somatic coaches to hold themselves is
11:45
much more relaxed and natural. Like I'm not trying to be
11:49
something else. Like I have crazy sense of
11:51
humor. I'm very off the calf person and
11:54
all of it shows up in the, you know, in sessions.
11:56
So it's just like you get to be yourself as a coach and when you
12:01
are talking with your clients, you don't try to pretend that
12:03
you're like this professional. It's like all like Titan, like,
12:07
you know, have no desires and have no shame and has it all
12:10
together and never falls off the pedestal, you know, So we really
12:14
like human and we use our humanity to help shammify
12:17
people's experiences. So that's one really powerful
12:21
way. And the other thing is we talk
12:23
with people about how we feel with them in the room, how we
12:26
feel with them erotically, how we feel with them emotionally.
12:28
So it's kind of like a being in a relationship lab with people
12:32
and then practicing things as we go along.
12:36
Relationship lab is such a perfect way to describe it
12:39
because you're in real time giving feedback, like saying
12:43
this is how I'm feeling, sharing it with the person so they also
12:46
understand how they're being perceived.
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You're researching and working through it, Celeste.
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Yeah. And I think a lot of times like
12:52
coaching or therapy can be problem and trauma focused.
12:55
And we really work with trauma empowerment.
12:57
So it's not like we ignore or avoid any of that.
13:00
But it's also really important that we focus on pleasure and
13:03
joy and help people like have experiences that are joyful and
13:07
pleasurable. And then they can go, OK, I
13:09
don't have to keep going down that same negative pathway that
13:13
my brain goes down. I can go down this joyful
13:15
pleasure filled pathway. And that's even more healing,
13:21
staying in the difficult part all the time.
13:23
So even when we're working through trauma, we are laughing
13:26
together, we're holding each other, we're finding the
13:28
pleasure in every moment. And I think that that's what
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Somatica does. It retrains our brain towards
13:34
joy and pleasure. I understand everything you've
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said because I've been through the Somatica method, I've been
13:40
through the training, right? But the question that comes up,
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if I'm to turn that part of my brain off is how can you
13:45
possibly find joy through how uncomfortable it is to talk
13:50
about sex, how embarrassing it can be?
13:53
Like how do you get to joy from that?
13:55
I think everybody has this internal spark of joy that's
13:58
just there waiting, and we immediately start flirting with
14:02
that part. You know what I mean?
14:04
So even as we're talking about the hard things and I'm sharing
14:06
hard things about myself too, I'm still always like in touch
14:09
with that part of them and that part of myself that's like, but
14:12
you know what? This is going to get fun.
14:15
We're going to get through this together.
14:17
We're going to cry and we're going to laugh, and then we're
14:19
going to have a lot of fucking fun.
14:22
And then you're going to learn how to move through those
14:25
challenging moments in your life and come back to pleasure and
14:27
joy and not skip over them. Because we need to feel
14:30
everything. We don't get to feel the highs
14:32
if we don't also feel the lows. So we need to feel everything,
14:35
but we can always come back to our body, our pleasure, our
14:40
playfulness, our love, our intimacy, our security of
14:44
connection. Like those things are always
14:46
there, plus our naughtiness and our, you know, and our what's.
14:49
Let me see what's in there. I'm always like, yeah, yeah,
14:51
yeah, yeah, yeah. But let's see what's Yeah.
14:55
So that's keeping connected with that spark inside of me and
14:58
inside of my clients all the time is a big part of it.
15:02
And everything, just to add to it, Celeste is saying, I really
15:05
think there's something about when you are shameless and you
15:08
are willing to acknowledge your shamelessness and your kinks and
15:13
your turn ONS and you talk about it in the relationship, it just
15:16
creates so much more relaxation in the room.
15:19
You know, like people are not so tight and they know that we'll
15:22
like jump in to support them in the process.
15:25
The casual experience of connecting with people just
15:28
where they are, not trying to make it more.
15:30
Complex than it is. It's just nice to join and be
15:34
together and flirt and laugh and cry and just be in the
15:37
experience together so there's no territory that feels like
15:41
it's not allowed. Everything is welcomed.
15:45
Hey gangsters. As a certified relationship
15:47
coach, so many of my clients have been telling me they're
15:49
struggling with dryness. They're just as excited and
15:53
turned on as they used to be, but their body isn't keeping up.
15:56
And they're not alone. I get it too.
15:58
Even when my mind is ready, my body needs a little extra
16:01
support and it can kind of kill the mood.
16:04
So I started looking into my options.
16:06
Yes, I always have Lube in my drawer, but I wanted to be more
16:09
lubricated on my own. I wanted my body to match how it
16:13
was feeling. That's why I found Playground
16:15
Miracle Melts, A hyaluronic acid Suppository for your vagina.
16:19
I was already using hyaluronic acid in my body wash and face
16:22
serum, so why wouldn't I add this to my routine?
16:25
They're clinically tested, recommended by doctors, and
16:27
hormone free which made them an easy yes.
16:30
And the more I talked about it, the more I realized dryness is
16:33
way more common than people admit.
16:35
So if you've been dealing with dryness, you have to give these
16:37
a try. Check my link in bio to shop
16:39
Playground today. I love how simply that it's just
16:43
nice. I cannot explain how powerfully
16:46
accurate that is, that it's just nice.
16:48
Even when you're going through some of the harder
16:51
conversations, feeling held as you go through it builds trust
16:55
and it builds your ability to trust other people and learn how
16:59
to build trust with other people.
17:01
That's nice. I think you would really on it.
17:03
That's it. That's this feeling of no matter
17:05
what you're going to bring, a Somatica coach is there to catch
17:08
you. That's the experience.
17:09
You're going to be loved no matter what you're going to
17:11
bring in. Yeah, and that's what so many
17:15
people are lacking, that feeling of safety when they do bring
17:18
their true selves. I have like a really fun example
17:22
from a session not too long ago where I was talking about
17:25
helping this person have a landing strip inside of
17:28
themselves for like compliments and joy.
17:30
And he thought I meant the other kind of landing strip, like a
17:33
pussy landing strip, you know, like a.
17:34
And it turns out that he loves landing strips.
17:38
And I was like, this is a conversation I did not know I
17:41
need to have because I have a landing strip and I love my
17:45
landing strip so much. And he loved it so much.
17:48
Like, he hasn't seen it. We're just talking about and
17:50
fantasizing about it. I don't take my clothes off,
17:52
obviously, but we're so into my landing strip together.
17:55
And I was just like, I think maybe if we should write our
17:57
song about it or like a poem, you know?
18:01
He was so excited. I was so excited.
18:03
And there was so much erotic energy in the exchange around
18:06
the art Mutual. I guess I do have a cake landing
18:08
strip. We should have a shared cake.
18:10
It was like he felt so seen and so loved and excited.
18:13
And I was joyful about it 'cause I was like, how come nobody has
18:16
really ever talked to me about how amazing my landing strip is?
18:20
I have no doubt it's beautiful. I love landing strips too.
18:23
So that's a moment of like joy and pleasure that we got to
18:26
share that really took it out of that depressive, like focus and
18:31
back into like, wait a minute. There's so much also fun to be
18:34
had, you know? Yeah, and I have a similar
18:37
situation with a Kingster who came to me who had a balloon
18:40
fetish and he felt really ashamed of it.
18:43
And he talked about what he wanted.
18:45
He wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon and I didn't
18:48
do I don't have balloons, right. But I was like, that sounds so
18:51
fun and exciting, you know? And for the first time, he was
18:54
like, wait, I'm not a weirdo. And I'm like, no, how funny is
18:57
that to be like hopping up and down on a balloon?
19:00
Will it first, Won't it? And we got to celebrate how fun
19:04
his kink is as opposed to something to be embarrassed
19:06
about. That's not something I thought
19:08
about and I got excited. Your landing strip wasn't
19:10
something that you would thought was this exciting, erotic thing
19:14
to discuss. And celebrate.
19:15
And it was Danielle. Yeah, it's really taking those
19:19
moments of opportunity and allowing them to be a little
19:23
dirty, naughty and not shy away from it.
19:27
I think not trying to be proper is one of the most healing
19:31
things that can happen. You know, yes.
19:34
Let's not be proper. It's OK for professionals not to
19:38
be proper. I've never really thought about
19:41
that. There's so much pressure, even
19:43
if it's just perceived to be proper, like that's how you're
19:46
going to be taken seriously. And then when you just whisk
19:49
that away and realize this is helping and that in itself is
19:53
proper and professional, the freedom to do that and
19:57
experience it is huge. Totally, Yeah.
20:00
I know those words like proper, appropriate, I'm like talk about
20:04
shame, allergy, all of those are words is just like should blah,
20:07
blah, get rid of all of that and be human and excited.
20:11
Like we're all sexual beings, you know, we don't have to hide
20:14
that or pretend that that doesn't exist.
20:16
It is professional to be sexual if you're helping people with
20:21
sex. Seems so obvious when you say
20:25
that, but like until you said it, I was like, you just put a
20:28
barrier up because as you said, of course you're fully clothed.
20:31
A lot of people might not understand the Somatica method
20:34
is a fully clothed method, but physical touch still happens.
20:38
And that's a huge difference between like my therapist I
20:40
don't think has ever even hugged me.
20:42
I've pretended to be a wild animal on the floor with someone
20:45
and we've interacted with each other fully clothed, highly
20:49
erotic, and it's sort of breaking the barrier of other
20:53
modalities. Yeah, I think both the being
20:56
able to touch, but also being able to really talk about your
20:59
fantasies. There's so many tools that feel
21:01
like they're not touch based but highly erotic.
21:04
Like talking with someone about what turns them on and even more
21:08
talking up with someone relationship about what turns
21:12
them on about me or me talking with them about what turns me on
21:16
about them or what would be like if I had sex with them.
21:19
What would it look like? It just so permission giving
21:22
that it's mind blowing the impact that it has on people's
21:27
self acceptance and relaxation. For me, as you say that I'm like
21:30
the safety that builds when someone does that with me, when
21:34
I get to do that with someone else, it builds a safety within
21:37
them that they get to take out into the world and there's
21:40
acceptance in that. Exactly.
21:43
Then that's medicine. If we talk about healing
21:45
properties, this is medicine. There is no better medicine than
21:50
accepting who you are and feeling good about it.
21:53
That has been my life experience. 100% yeah mine too.
21:57
So you've certified over 1000 coaches in this work.
22:02
Have you had any big aha moments that have really informed
22:06
changes in the Somatica method or how you guys have grown?
22:09
Like what evolutions has it gone through?
22:12
I think Somatica is constantly evolving and I think that's
22:15
something that actually we feel really proud of that we get
22:18
feedback all the time and we will change what we're teaching
22:22
in a module based on that feedback.
22:24
In the moment. It's like we teach and we learn
22:28
from our students as well, and we're always growing and taking
22:31
in the new information and incorporating in into the
22:35
method. This is a very live growing
22:37
method and I think any method that stops and is dead in that
22:41
way, like it just can't keep up with how much society is
22:45
changing. And so we've really pride
22:47
ourselves in being very involved in the trainings and always
22:51
being responsive to the changes in the world and the feedback
22:54
from our students. And I know that you, Amanda,
22:57
took the training as a student, but then you came back as a
23:00
group leader. So you already probably had this
23:01
experience of how it's already looks different, not only
23:05
because you took it as a group leader and you went and did it
23:08
the second time around from a different lens, but also like
23:11
there's something about being in the moment because it's a live
23:14
training. The relationship happens in the
23:16
training too with that particular group of students
23:19
that going through the training. There's like a relationship
23:21
between the teachers and the students.
23:23
There's a relationship within the students.
23:25
So every cohort is different. And then like the training keeps
23:29
growing with those relational aspects within the group and
23:33
then like as a curriculum as well.
23:35
All of that is true. I mean, the curriculum has
23:37
changed in my opinion, definitely for the better,
23:40
especially with specializations that you've introduced, but also
23:43
when you talk about changing in the moment.
23:46
I have been through that. I've watched it happen of, hey,
23:48
this is coming up for me and there's a little discussion
23:51
about it and it's like, yeah, we see that, we understand that,
23:53
and this is how we're changing. In that moment.
23:56
One of my biggest takeaways from it was it's OK to trigger
23:59
people. It can happen.
24:00
Never on purpose, right? Watching people work through it
24:04
is eye opening because I also think in that fear of making a
24:07
mistake and watching you both embrace mistakes happening and
24:11
repairing after them also changes your ability to what I
24:16
call being brave in the world of like, it's OK to be scared, do
24:20
it anyway. My biggest take away was you're
24:22
going to make a mistake, you're going to fuck up.
24:24
What happens after that is where you've both stepped in and
24:27
helped. At least me and I imagine
24:29
countless others. Yeah, because if you're going
24:32
into intimacy with someone, intimacy is full of landmines.
24:36
And so in some ways, it's not even a mistake.
24:38
It's like you're just in a relationship.
24:42
You're paying attention to those moments where you do trigger
24:45
each other and instead of just ignoring them or apologizing or
24:48
moving on, you're like, let's grow from this.
24:50
Let's learn about each other, score wounds.
24:52
Let's be able to be more attentive with each other now
24:55
that we know this as opposed to tiptoeing around and never
24:59
setting off a landmine, which is first of all, impossible, you
25:02
know, and certainly not even helpful to try because then you
25:05
have you try to avoid them. You don't even deal with them
25:07
when they arise. And then you can't learn how to
25:09
be better in intimacy. We have to be able to deal with
25:12
those moments when we trigger each other, where we get
25:15
triggered, where we trigger another person.
25:17
We need to be able to deal with them well if we want to have
25:20
really good intimacy with someone.
25:21
This one's hitting me hard because I still experience fear
25:24
of making someone upset or doing something wrong, but you're very
25:28
right. That ability to do that,
25:30
especially understanding how to repair and repair in general,
25:34
does make it safer for me. I have a huge thing about
25:37
feeling safe, and no matter what I'm doing, then I have all these
25:39
tools. Now, not everyone who does this
25:42
wants to become a coach. Some people just want to
25:44
understand the Somatica method. So you also help people work
25:48
through that as well, right? Right.
25:50
Like for themselves. Yeah, definitely.
25:52
There are people that are taking the Somatica training for their
25:56
own personal life. All the experience of
25:58
downloading all those tools into your life is very powerful,
26:01
right? So there's something about being
26:03
able to do that and get them all something powerful about
26:08
learning in a group environment. I think it's very amazing to
26:12
have a coach that's a gets you and like really with you and
26:15
does this experiences with you. And also doing it in a group
26:18
environment can be very powerful because you get lots of mirrors
26:22
and you experience a group dishimmifying experience and you
26:25
know how loving the community is.
26:27
You like you do a demo and then everyone's a cheerleading you.
26:30
You just get so much love. It's so healing, you know, it's
26:33
so soothing. It's allowing self acceptance
26:36
because you you see so many people doing their thing.
26:40
So you get to learn by seeing so many people doing the thing and
26:43
you get to be yourself and be accepted and loved and see your
26:48
edges as well throughout the process.
26:49
So don't remember what was the question, but that's what.
26:52
No, it's like you will get so much out of this for yourself.
26:58
It's not just about, oh, I want to become a coach.
27:01
These are tools that you can use in your relationships as a
27:05
whole. And yeah, seeing so.
27:07
So first of all, there are about 1000 mirrors held up to you.
27:10
So you really start to see yourself more clearly and
27:12
there's a lot of work to be done with that.
27:14
But also enjoying and celebrating and seeing everyone
27:17
just do their thing. It's eye opening to see how
27:20
other people live their lives, how other people have fantasies.
27:22
And it's normalizing for you to understand we might all be
27:26
different, we might have different interests, but in that
27:29
you have to understand that your interests aren't that different
27:31
or shameful. They're just different, but
27:34
still worthy of celebration and experience, and they have a
27:37
place in your life. And there'll be always someone
27:39
who's going to get turned on by your kinks.
27:43
There is always going to be someone you can also introduce
27:47
kinks to people that they didn't know they were going to be
27:49
excited about before you know, there's just so much sharing to
27:52
be done and enjoyment and celebration.
27:54
I know the process I went through, but because so much has
27:56
changed, I want to understand if someone's interested in either
28:00
becoming a coach or just taking that core training.
28:02
What's the process of getting into it, being accepted into the
28:07
course? What does that look like today?
28:09
I mean, I think the best thing to do is to go to our website,
28:11
somaticainstitute.com, and you know, you can explore everything
28:15
about it, but all you need to do if you're ready is fill out an
28:18
application. If you have questions, I'm
28:21
always happy to hop on a call with people and talk in depth
28:24
about the program. We also have intros, free intros
28:27
all the time for people to come in and ask questions.
28:30
But basically you just fill out your application and then if
28:33
it's a good fit, you start the journey.
28:35
And we have another training coming up in April, so yeah.
28:39
And not, not everyone does get in.
28:41
I remember having to answer questions about myself through
28:44
the form and just understanding like, OK, you really do accept
28:48
people who've done at least enough work to get in.
28:50
And that's what also makes it so powerful is you are with a group
28:53
of your peers who have done the internal work necessary.
28:56
And it's not like leaps and bounds.
28:58
It's just really having the ability to look at themselves.
29:00
And I think that also makes all of the dyads you do, all of the
29:03
really relationship labs you do within the course much more
29:06
meaningful because you know you've all put in a little bit
29:09
of work on yourselves before showing up.
29:11
So you're working with like minded people in terms of growth
29:14
minded? That's the main thing that we
29:16
look for on the application is that people are really self
29:19
aware. Like one of the questions, my
29:21
favorite question on the application is what's
29:23
challenging about being in a relationship with you?
29:26
Because if people don't know that they are challenging in a
29:29
relationship in some way, they don't know themselves.
29:31
I'm sorry, but like none of us is perfect.
29:33
And so if some like, well, you know, I'm just like some of the
29:36
ones that I'm feel like are kind of iffy is just like, well, I'm
29:39
just such a sexual being and people can't handle it.
29:42
And it's like, OK, sure, but there's something else.
29:46
That's not the only thing. When you get triggered, what do
29:49
you do? Like, that makes intimacy
29:51
challenging Because we all have that.
29:53
I have that, you know, Like, I work on it forever.
29:56
It still comes up. So I just want people to be
29:59
honest with themselves and to be able to be honest with other
30:01
people about it because that means you're ready, you're
30:04
emotionally ready to take a training like this.
30:07
And also it means that you are willing to look at yourself and
30:09
you already have a little bit of a willingness to crack through
30:12
the shame because sometimes people say stuff because they
30:15
don't things because they feel shame around it.
30:18
So if you are able to say, you know, like, yeah, like, I know I
30:21
have ADHD and yeah, it does impact people around me and the
30:24
way that I communicate even when I'm not triggered, I'm gonna
30:27
make other people need to have more effort.
30:29
And I'm also not only in HD and I'm like, can be all over the
30:33
place and like, don't finish my sentences, but also I want
30:37
people to be attuned to me. I was like, good luck with that.
30:39
You know? So there's something about like
30:42
being willing to see who you are and how you can be challenging
30:46
for people, even if you come for the deepest of your heart, if
30:48
you're the sweetest person, which I am, I am sweet.
30:55
But you know, people to listen to me, it requires their energy.
30:59
And I do want them to listen to me.
31:00
So something about knowing that about yourself and being willing
31:03
to say that that means like, I had to do some work not to go
31:07
into a shame spiral and say like, no, like, no, it's not
31:10
really an effort. It's like, yeah, it is an
31:12
effort. That's what part of living with
31:14
we mean. And it's like took me a while to
31:16
even realize that. And then I started to like,
31:18
really appreciate the people that are taking the time to
31:21
stay, to listen. And that brings more love as
31:24
opposed to more defensiveness and anger, you know, So that's
31:28
part of growth, like being able to see who you are and how you
31:31
impact people. And a lot of it, we want people
31:33
to be willing to know something about themselves, but also be
31:37
willing to keep knowing things about themselves because that's
31:40
what happens in the Somatica training.
31:42
You keep learning things about yourself, you keep peeling those
31:45
parts and your willingness to do that and your interest in that.
31:49
That's where the growth is. That hits so deeply on so many
31:54
levels because I'm glad we talked about the questions that
31:57
come up and why that speaks so much to the Somatica method and
32:01
who this is right for as well. Just that willingness.
32:04
What happens is you also are able to pull that out of other
32:07
people and help them on their journey to both see themselves
32:10
and I guess develop stronger relationships because of it.
32:13
The thing that came up for me right then, Danielle, as you
32:15
were talking about it, is you are kind.
32:18
Part of that kindness comes from your ability to put forward a
32:22
boundary lovingly. And you both do this.
32:24
Obviously it's part of the Somatica method, but I wanted to
32:26
talk about that because I find boundaries are so important and
32:30
terrifying at the same time. And I think that some of what
32:34
you described comes with putting up boundaries and then also
32:37
attuning to someone else's boundaries and deciding like,
32:39
yes, they are important to me and I can and will be mindful of
32:43
their boundaries and we'll work with them together.
32:45
What I thought I knew about boundaries was basically thrown
32:48
to the side once I went through the Somatica method and now
32:51
understood and respected my own boundaries so much more, which
32:54
helps you get closer to people too.
32:56
Sorry. I'm like being a mini
32:57
cheerleader because I'm like, yes, and you help me with this
32:59
and I learned how to do that and I'm a better person because of
33:02
it. Thank you man.
33:04
I do think that boundaries are really, really important,
33:07
especially when we're talking about kink and playing with
33:09
kink. It's really important.
33:11
It can also be like, I do love edging with boundaries.
33:14
There's a part of me that also likes to lead people to the edge
33:18
of their boundaries. So there's like knowing that,
33:21
again, another thing that you know about yourself and about
33:23
like, if that's something that's important for you when you like
33:26
playing in the kink world. So understanding the quality
33:30
that it's not just like, yeah, wave boundaries, you know, we
33:32
have this idea. Yeah, wave boundaries,
33:34
boundaries. Like this thing you say yes, you
33:35
say no, that's not how it works. You know, it's so much more deep
33:39
and complex and then it's so nuanced.
33:41
So knowing your relationship with boundaries, knowing how you
33:45
are impacting people with your relationship with boundaries,
33:48
and being able to have this communication with other people
33:51
around boundaries, we try to remove the defensiveness out of
33:55
the picture and say like, yeah, that's who I am.
33:58
Your boundaries really matter to me.
34:00
And that's how it makes me feel. This whole like gentleness that
34:03
comes with it and offering it in a loving, connected way.
34:07
Staying connected with the boundaries is what actually
34:10
makes the biggest shift. Yeah, I think boundaries are
34:13
also, as we're, you know, kind of already alluding to they're
34:16
an imperfect science. Like we don't always know what
34:19
our boundaries are in the moment.
34:21
I definitely let my boundaries be crossed when I have fear of
34:24
losing someone because I have attachment trauma.
34:26
So, you know, when we can actually acknowledge what our
34:30
relationship is to our boundaries as opposed to just
34:32
you should keep your boundaries. That to me, that's a shame
34:34
sentence, right? Because sometimes I will and
34:37
sometimes I won't, and I won't do it perfectly.
34:39
And I know who I am and I know why I cross my boundaries.
34:42
Sometimes. I also don't blame other people
34:45
because they're mine. You know what I mean?
34:48
So it's like, have that level of awareness and subtlety around
34:52
something like boundaries as opposed to just yes or no, as
34:54
Danielle was saying is so important, you know?
34:58
Yeah. The should thing is a big one
34:59
that I have to untrain myself from Should, because there's so
35:03
much shame that comes with that word.
35:05
In fact, there's only shame. Any sentence that includes
35:08
should is just shame. There's shame under that
35:11
sentence. Me and your students and clients
35:14
of Somatica coaches are not the only people who have paid
35:19
attention to how powerful the Somatica method is and can be.
35:23
Since I took the class and I was certified, I believe you are now
35:29
TV stars. I would go so far as to say
35:31
that, and I'm not going to let you back away from that title.
35:34
Virgin Island, Can we talk about it?
35:37
I just love how you whisper it Virgin Island.
35:41
I know I was like, I'm gonna mention the show.
35:42
But then I was like, how am I gonna mention the show?
35:44
Let's talk about Virgin Island. I love that you whisper that I
35:48
love that you like I have a secrecy king.
35:51
How? Am I just learning this?
35:54
Okay, well I literally today, just this morning had a client.
35:59
I was teaching them to whisper and like what to whisper to
36:02
really put their partner on edge in a delightful way.
36:05
And I'm like, I've never thought about a secrecy kink.
36:09
So how did the show come about? Were you trying to make a show
36:12
where people approaching you to be on a show?
36:15
How did it happen? It was so great.
36:17
I mean, we had tried to make a fictional TV show and we have a
36:21
whole pilot for that, which is amazing.
36:23
But still, it's hard to sell things in Hollywood these days.
36:26
But we just got an e-mail from this production company in the
36:29
UK and they had seen these Somatica sessions online that we
36:34
had done and they said we've never seen anything like this
36:36
before. People teaching how to have
36:39
intimacy while in intimacy. How is that not something that's
36:43
already been on television, you know?
36:45
And so they really want to to help adolescents in the UK
36:49
because there's a virginity crisis as they're thinking of
36:52
it. When we think about that, we're
36:53
like, people are not experiencing the kind of
36:55
intimacy that they want to experience.
36:57
And there's a lot of, you know, lack of knowledge and awareness
37:00
and understanding on how to do that.
37:02
And so they contacted us and, you know, we were in a meeting
37:04
like a week later, I happen to be going to the UK.
37:07
We were in a meeting a week later, filming that day, a
37:09
little bit of a teaser, like guess what happens on our
37:12
island, you know? Yeah, I just want to say they
37:17
wanted to help young adults, not adolescents.
37:20
It was like young adults who could not, like, lose their
37:23
virginity, and they didn't know how to connect.
37:24
It wasn't just about virginity. It was really about inexperience
37:28
and lack of confidence around sexuality.
37:30
It's not about like the losing the hymen.
37:34
I recently had a guest on Instead of Virginity.
37:37
It's your sexual debut and I'm not sure how that aligns with
37:40
your work or your philosophy on it, but I loved that because
37:44
yeah, it's not about the hymen. It is what is my sexual debut.
37:47
I also just hate losing my virginity.
37:49
I didn't lose anything. I gained a wealth of experience
37:52
and it's been fantastic. So how much say did you have in
37:56
what the show is going to be then?
37:57
For example, I'm very excited because we actually created the
38:00
format with them. Like we created it's called the
38:02
Bible in film, which is like the format of how we are actually
38:07
using this first season. And then like a Virgin Island in
38:11
other countries that they're going to produce themselves.
38:14
Different countries, different cultures, so it's very exciting.
38:17
It was like a very super creative process.
38:20
We really love the way you're doing it.
38:23
They were like filming us doing a thing.
38:24
We had the workshops, they filmed us doing our workshops,
38:28
the Somatica workshops, the way you went for them in the
38:30
training. We did some special Somatica
38:34
stuff for people who are inexperienced, focused on that
38:37
because you know, Somatica can take you to so many different
38:39
places, focused on getting experience and feeling confident
38:42
around sexuality. So we did not rehearse for that.
38:46
We just came over and did our stuff, you know?
38:48
Yeah, it wasn't performative. It was a real look at the
38:50
Somatica method in practice. Yeah.
38:53
What I really love about Double Act, which is the production
38:56
company that filmed the show, is that they are documentarians.
39:00
So they wanted to document what we were doing.
39:03
They didn't want to do like reality television, like you see
39:06
it a lot of places, which isn't real at all.
39:09
And we had interacted in the past with other reality TV kind
39:12
of production teams in the US and it was such a different and
39:15
experience, it's hard to describe, is just a very high
39:18
integrity organization double act.
39:21
So we've really teamed up to create something that's super
39:24
real and you can see it with the transformation that these young
39:27
folks go through. It's phenomenal.
39:29
And we just filmed Season 2 and it's going to be other levels.
39:35
Can't do spoilers, but we are dying to.
39:38
Just so you know. We're sitting on our hands here,
39:40
trying so hard not to tell you stuff we cannot.
39:43
I have a client who is, yeah, a virgin, right?
39:47
And they are watching the show as well.
39:49
Like, I saw this. Do you think that would help me?
39:51
And I'm like, yes, they're getting somatic inputs from
39:54
different places, and that's helping them on their journey,
39:56
too. So it's like helping so many
39:57
more people than just the group that you're working with.
40:00
I love that. What's next for Somatica?
40:03
Like where do you have your sights set?
40:05
Because it just sounds like you've been growing and growing.
40:07
For how many years have you 2 been together and working on the
40:09
Somatica method? 20. 20 years.
40:12
Swinging and some change, yeah. Yeah.
40:15
I mean, we have a couple of books in the making.
40:17
We are, you know, we're always just like, growing the method
40:21
and transforming the method. And we want Virgin Island to be
40:25
everywhere in the world. So hopefully more and more
40:28
countries will pick it up and more young people will be held
40:31
helped, you know, young adults will be helped with their
40:33
intimate lives because it's really, really important that we
40:36
don't lose intimacy, you know, in our devices.
40:40
I think it's really a crucial time for Somatica because we
40:44
want to help people stay intimate with all of the forces
40:48
in our society that are against that, you know, not purposely,
40:51
but are getting in the way of intimacy.
40:53
You have touched on something that I want to ask about.
40:56
There's no silver bullet. There's no quick fix to all of
40:59
this. It's not like you delete social
41:00
media and your life gets better immediately.
41:02
There are benefits. There are negatives.
41:04
I am going to ask. So if you could wave a magic
41:06
wand and get rid of one thing out there that you think is
41:09
hurting intimacy for people today, what would that be?
41:13
I think the biggest thing that actually hurts intimacy is shame
41:18
because I think what happens is that social media plus porn
41:22
combo created this very intense experience that you are micro
41:28
watched. There's something about
41:30
everything you're gonna say is getting such high exposure
41:34
potential. So if we're talking about shame
41:37
and if we're talking about like I can be held to something that
41:41
I said, it is a joke. Like this exposure feeling and
41:44
the potential being cancelled around it is so intense.
41:48
It happens to people. Like all those experiences make
41:51
people not really want to go out there and be real.
41:56
And that, I think, is the biggest thing that is damaging.
42:01
Yeah, yeah, I agree completely. Celeste, OR.
42:05
Yeah, I was just reading a story about a young teenage girl who
42:07
got expelled from school because she got in a physical fight with
42:10
someone who had created AI porn, like a deep fake porn of hers,
42:15
and they were all teasing her. And then she lashed out,
42:19
obviously, for obvious reasons, as she tried to go to the
42:22
administration. They didn't help her.
42:24
And then she got expelled, right?
42:26
So here's this young girl whose life has completely changed
42:28
because of this sexual shame, and she's the one who gets in
42:31
trouble. And it's just very frustrating.
42:33
And I think it happens a lot, especially for girls to be
42:37
exposed in this way because of slut shame that's focused more
42:40
on girls than boys. They're the ones who get the
42:43
brunt of it. And I think, you know, I would
42:46
really want to transform that piece of shame, especially, and
42:50
help us just be like, you know what, We're all sexual.
42:53
If somebody makes fake pictures about you, it doesn't mean
42:56
anything bad about you. You know, it's like if we had a
42:58
society where that didn't faze her and a society that didn't
43:02
blame women for those kinds of things, she wouldn't be in this
43:04
horrible position, you know? So that's the kind of stuff that
43:07
I want to eradicate. And social media exacerbates it,
43:10
right? But it didn't cause the problem.
43:11
If you think about it today, it was the way that people kind of
43:15
communicate with each other. Everything is like very text
43:18
based, very short. Just like dozen people don't get
43:22
the experience and the training of actually doing repair.
43:25
Like what does it mean to be in a relationship?
43:27
Means like you have an opportunity to say something
43:29
more than one time. You have an opportunity to like
43:32
repair and correct and like give it another angle because you saw
43:35
how it landed on someone. So all those things young people
43:39
like, yeah, adults don't do that.
43:41
They just do not do it. Like you said, one sentence,
43:44
it's been a bit taken out of context.
43:46
It's going to be taking verbatim.
43:47
And we know that people say stuff and it's like the need to
43:50
craft the right message in a text is so intense.
43:54
I would feel so debilitated if I did not have other ways to
43:57
communicate with people and course correct and make sure
44:01
that it landed well and see how they impacted and what they
44:04
think about it and then be able to change what I said.
44:06
I was getting so frustrated when I see how young people date
44:09
today. It's insane.
44:11
Like, it's a miracle if people actually able to create some
44:15
sort of connection out of it, you know?
44:17
First of all, I've never thought about it as an opportunity.
44:19
Being in relationship is an opportunity to say things more
44:22
than once. Everything you said is very
44:24
empowering. But also I'd like to echo your
44:27
sentiments about dating today and how difficult it is because
44:31
it's like life is training us in a different direction of say it
44:34
succinctly, put it in a text, answer an AI chat on the phone.
44:39
Instead of talking to someone directly.
44:41
We're moving away from connection in part because of
44:44
technology, which I wish we were a little bit more communication
44:48
and human focused in all parts of our lives.
44:51
And it's sad that we're kind of going slightly off course, but
44:54
also with dating apps, both very helpful, but also stopping us
44:58
from being able to communicate with multiple different people
45:00
in a real life setting. If anyone is on the fence right
45:03
now and they're thinking I want to do it, I'm not sure.
45:06
My experience was that I called Danielle and Danielle was so
45:09
warm on the call. What happened was I went to the
45:12
website, I filled in the form Danielle offered a phone call
45:15
because there are other courses out there.
45:17
Somatica is not the only one. But my phone call with Danielle
45:20
was so warm and inviting and empowering in that I did have
45:24
choice. And the reason Somatica might be
45:26
the right one for me is their focus on de shamefying things
45:30
around intimacy. Especially because I talked
45:32
about my interest in kink and the acceptance and love I felt
45:36
from Danielle about my interests.
45:38
And the celebration I felt on that phone call is what made me
45:41
go with Somatica because I felt seen and like this was a journey
45:45
that sounded exciting for me. What would you say to someone
45:49
who's on the fence right now and thinking I don't know if this is
45:52
for me, if I'm at the right time in my life is 1 I hear a lot.
45:56
Would love to hear your thoughts on it.
45:58
There's nothing that makes life better than having amazing
46:01
intimacy with the people that we love, both emotional and erotic
46:04
and Somatica. It really helps people with sex,
46:06
but it also just helps you with relating to your family members
46:09
and your friends and, you know, your kids, right?
46:12
Because it's about attachment and it's about love and it's
46:15
also with partners about erotic connection.
46:19
And I don't think there's anything in the world that makes
46:21
your life better. And if you can do that for
46:23
yourself and then go out and help other people, there's kind
46:26
of nothing more fulfilling than that because you see the joy
46:29
that it spreads in the world. I mean, to me, if you're on the
46:31
fence and you're like, wait, this is the thing that can give
46:34
me the most, you know, fun and amazing life.
46:36
Take the plunge. Yeah.
46:37
And, you know, like at the end of the training, we hear our
46:41
students take time to share their experience in that
46:44
environment. People talk about how it impacts
46:46
their lives. And I'm just like, wow, people's
46:48
life changed completely. And I see it with my family.
46:51
Everyone, my family took Somatica because they wanted to
46:54
have the tools. And it changes their lives, like
46:57
not just in our family, in our relationship, but also with
46:59
their friends, with their lovers, with their partners.
47:02
And it's just keeps rippling. And I think if you thought about
47:06
this one thing that can really transform your lives and in
47:09
addition, you might want to do a career out of it, you know, it's
47:13
going to be mind blowing because then you get the go to work and
47:16
do those things day in and day out and you know it, Amanda,
47:18
because you're doing it right. So it's like, why think twice
47:22
honestly, that there's one thing that really impacts you and
47:27
changes your life and it's giving to you in a condensed
47:30
course. Wow, why think twice?
47:33
I couldn't agree more. I think one of the things this
47:35
has done is affected my relationship with my family more
47:39
than anybody else, even my intimate partners and it did a
47:42
lot there. But just my ability to express
47:44
how I feel hurt and create reconnection with family members
47:48
at times. I can't speak highly enough of
47:50
Sonatica. It really changed my life and I
47:52
think why think twice? That's how I feel having gone
47:55
through it and I've had friends go do it.
47:57
I've never heard anyone say opposite than it being a really
48:00
positive experience, so I cannot encourage this enough.
48:04
If you have ever reached out to me and asked how do you become
48:07
the King Consultant? If you've asked about my
48:09
certification or where to start somatica.com, that is where I
48:12
started and it changed everything genuinely.
48:15
So thank you, Danielle. Thank you, Celeste, so much for
48:18
sparking and being the ones to reach out to me because I
48:21
appreciate it so much. I did have a moment of like,
48:23
should I tell them that this is not a big deal?
48:25
My podcast? Are they sure they have time for
48:27
this? So I appreciate you guys so much
48:29
and I cannot wait to share Somatica with even more people.
48:32
Thank you so much. It's been really lovely to
48:36
connect with you here because it feels like so relaxed and
48:38
familial, like, you know, like in the same Somatica family
48:42
together and it feels really good.
48:44
And thank you for having us here in your podcast.
48:46
Does mean a big deal because it changes people's lives so.
48:49
Thank you for that reminder. Thank you so much.
48:54
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
48:57
a review and share it with anyone who might find it
48:59
interesting. And if you have any questions or
49:01
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
49:04
reach out e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
49:08
Until next time, keep on kinking on.