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Why He Holds Back and How It Hurts the Marriage · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for August 28, 2026 Why He Holds Back and How It Hurts the Marriage,
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  If you ask 100 men how their drive compares to men their age,
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  probably three-quarters will say their drive is higher than average.
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  This, of course, is a mathematical impossibility.
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  Part of the reason for this is men don't usually talk about such things with
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  each other. So we have nothing to compare ourselves to.
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  Another issue is living in a world that denies gender differences.
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  A lot of women claim men and women have the same sex drives.
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  Research says otherwise.
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  If we look at average sex drive for men and women rather than just men,
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  then the majority of men will have a high drive.
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  What makes this a problem is that most decent men don't want to mistreat their
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  wife by asking for too much sex.
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  He reasons his drive is too high, so he needs to suppress it.
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  Of course, this is not really possible. So instead, he asks for less than he wants.
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  That means by the time he does ask, he's in a bad way. This makes no far worse for him.
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  It also means when they do have sex, he is very aroused, then that makes it
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  difficult for him to focus on her pleasure and to hold himself back.
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  Having less sex than he needs makes the sex the couple does have less enjoyable for both of them.
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  Sometimes a man is angry at his wife for not having sex as often as he wants.
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  But if he's not asking for as much as he needs, it's not on her.
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  Some men, I suspect many, masturbate to drain off their desire so they can get by on less sex.
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  But he wants more than an orgasm. He wants sexual intimacy. So this strategy doesn't work well.
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  I've heard an accusation that men are selfish Asking for more sex than they
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  need How does that make sense?
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  If he had what he needed If he were satisfied He wouldn't ask again until he
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  felt the need But this idea is out there And it adds to men's fear and guilt.
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  I know most women are tired of hearing He needs more sex But it's said so often
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  because it's true And it's a common marriage problem,
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  A recent study found only 57% of men Are satisfied with their sex life And a
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  large Australian study found that most men living with a woman are having sex
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  no more than half as often as they would like.
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  It's emotionally painful for the men who struggle with it, and it hurts their
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  marriage even if he is silent about it.
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  By the way, it's also emotionally painful for the estimated 25% of women who
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  want more sex than hubby will have with them.
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  A lack of sex is a marriage problem that should be addressed regardless of who wants more.
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  The starting place is the lower drive spouse accepting it's a problem.
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  This is Paul, and doing sex well means being generous.