Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 118. The Confession That Broke My Heart

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118. The Confession That Broke My Heart · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apolgie Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode about Bestie segment advice. Goodness.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: We have a very sticky situation for you today.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I actually feel like Stephanie and Tatiana are going to
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: enter the building.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: I think so.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I think actually in Tiana need to go to the
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: health food store and get a local love. I think so.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: They're on a coffee break.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's walk. Came in, Hello Stephanie and hello.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: All right, give it to us.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, this submission is very short, and if anyone is
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: going to send in a submission, please give us way
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: more context than this. But we still wanted to talk
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: about it because it's a big one. She said, what
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: would you do if your partner went to a brothel?
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: So we're assuming that your partner's been to a brothel.
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  Speaker 1: Bind your back and we're gonna talk about it. Immediately. Dumped, immediately,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: that's immediately.
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  Speaker 2: No, immediately crossing boundaries, holy, Tatiana says no.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Stephanie says, no, to go behind your back and betray
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: you cheat on you, and do it in a brothel.
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  Speaker 1: Not that it makes a difference of in a brothel
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  Speaker 1: with a random girl. I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: It's both bad. It's the same, it's the same, it's
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  Speaker 2: the same, except he actively paid for the service, Yes,
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: which I just for some reason cks me.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: So any type of cheating and betrayal where you are
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: not being truthful and honest, No, it would be an
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: immediately for me. I don't think I could ever forgive
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: and move past that. Yeah, Like, obviously there's cracks in
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: the relationship. Yeah, and you guys are disconnected and maybe
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: you're not having sex and all the things, but I
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: do not condone that behavior. You have a fucking hard conversation. Yeah,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: you talk about what's going on. You talk about your desires,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: you talk about why you're not having sex, You talk
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: about why there's a lack of intimacy and connection. You
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: talk about why you guys are not being able to
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: do that with each other.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: And this is also why context in what you guys
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: share with us is super important, because is it that
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: he went behind her back? Did you find out? Are
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: you guys on a break, were you guys on a break, Yeah,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: did he come and tell you and confess, Like, how
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: do you know? Because then it also changes I mean,
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't change what happened. Obviously, it's still a huge
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: red flag like say that lightly, but like a huge
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: non negotiable of like no, this is not acceptable within
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: the relationship. Yeah, but also knowing the context helps us
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: understand what kind of broke down in the relationship. Yeah,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: because obviously, like what actually said, Like, there's clearly a
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: disconnect in the relationship. For a man to have to
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: go to a brothel and not to you and into
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: the relationship, there's obviously something that's happened. The reason why
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: I feel so strongly about this and like immediately dumped
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: why I started with that, was because it is a
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  Speaker 2: breach of every commitment that you make in a relationship
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  Speaker 2: for me personally. And obviously you might seem different in this,
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  Speaker 2: maybe you're in two minds. I'm not sure, but you're
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: asking the question, and obviously this is a very big
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  Speaker 2: thing for you. And granted, like emotionally, this would be
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: really really hard to hold and hard to come to
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: terms with, especially if you've been in a relationship for
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: a long time and you love this person and you
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: feel like, oh my god, like I'm a crossroads. What
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: do I do? But for me, this is a huge
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  Speaker 2: breach of all of the qualities and commitment that you
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  Speaker 2: make in a relationship to be loyal, to show up,
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: to stay committed, to stay monogamous, communication, communicate, and if
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: that's the commitment that you've made to each other, there
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  Speaker 2: is a breach of that, and a breach of that
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  Speaker 2: creates distrust. That's a huge crack in the relationship, trushes.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: The foundation of your relationship. And this is where it's hard.
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  Speaker 1: Whe there's no context because if you guys listened to
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: an episode a couple of Freaky Fridays ago, it was
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: this beautiful couple and she wrote in and said that
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: her partner went for a massage. Yes, it was meant
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: to be just a normal massage. He ends up getting
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: a hand job for around thirty seconds, stopped her, freaked out,
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  Speaker 1: left the massage parlor, confessed to his wife, went super depressed,
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  Speaker 1: went into a spiral, had so much guilt and shame,
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  Speaker 1: shut down, planned to commit suicide because he just was
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  Speaker 1: carrying all the shame that went and got marriage counseling
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  Speaker 1: and they worked for it together, and I thought that
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  Speaker 1: was so beautiful. He was a human that made a
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: bad mistake and they figured it out in the most
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  Speaker 1: productive of safe, connecting, vulnerable way, and I think that's beautiful.
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  Speaker 1: But we're assuming here that your partner has just gone
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  Speaker 1: to a brothel and paid for a service with an escort,
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  Speaker 1: and we don't know what else. We can only assume,
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  Speaker 1: and that is a massive betrayal of trust. You've broken
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  Speaker 1: what you guys have worked on. I don't know how
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  Speaker 1: you come back from that. Absolutely don't think I could
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: come back from that. And even if I tried, I
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  Speaker 1: feel like I would always be feeling unsafe or like
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: when he's leaving the house and questioning things, and I
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  Speaker 1: feel like maybe I'd be throwing in this space every
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  Speaker 1: now and again, and I would pun that, I would punish,
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  Speaker 1: and I know I wouldn't want to do that, because
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  Speaker 1: it's not fair. If you're choosing to stay with someone
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  Speaker 1: and forgive them, you're choosing to stay with them and
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  Speaker 1: forgive them, not punish them for the rest of their lives.
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  Speaker 1: Most likely they're probably already punishing themselves as well. You're
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  Speaker 1: actively choosing to stay, You're actively choosing to work on
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  Speaker 1: it and rebuild that trust. But I do think it
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  Speaker 1: would always kind of sit in the bottom of my
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  Speaker 1: guart and I just would never feel truly connected, safe
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: and respected if I was to stay in the relationship asolutely.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what, I know a lot of cup
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  Speaker 2: you know, each their own, all have their own challenges
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  Speaker 2: that they go through, and everyone has different levels of
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  Speaker 2: values and things that they're willing to work on. Yeah, absolutely,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: they have things that they're willing to work on, whereas
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  Speaker 2: like somebody else might be like absolutely hard no, whereas
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  Speaker 2: you might be like, no, no, no, I'm willing to work
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  Speaker 2: on this. So only you can really decide what that
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  Speaker 2: looks like for you. But I just think regardless of
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  Speaker 2: the context of the situation where it was like there
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  Speaker 2: are cracks in the relationship where this person just went
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  Speaker 2: behind your back and decided to go and do this
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  Speaker 2: behind your back, for me, it still feels like a
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  Speaker 2: hard no because it feels like, Okay, what was once
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  Speaker 2: sacred is no longer sacred, and once that sacredness has
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  Speaker 2: been broken, I can't see myself coming back from that
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  Speaker 2: because of how big of a wound has been created.
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  Speaker 2: And that's only because one of my biggest values is
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  Speaker 2: loyalty and that transparency, integrity, all of those things. And
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  Speaker 2: so because those three are really really high up on
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  Speaker 2: the scale for me, that is immediately like, you don't
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: respect me, you don't respect me, you don't love me,
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  Speaker 2: you don't consider me, you don't care about me. And
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  Speaker 2: that for me is not qualities that I want in
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  Speaker 2: an intimate partner who is also got to potentially be
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  Speaker 2: the father of my children, who's going to have to
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: hold me through the grief and the death of my
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: parents and everyone else that I love, and someone who's
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: I'm going to spend the rest of my life with
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: and the most time with. So it's just knowing what
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: you want in your life, who you want to surround
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: yourself with, and if that's the quality of person that
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: you want to sleep next to every single night, it's
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: on you. Yeah, it's on you. I think there's definitely
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: worth communication around this, conversations to have. Obviously there was
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: something that happened in the relationship, and it could have
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: been accumulation of things over time.
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  Speaker 1: Got to condone it. But there's a reason why these
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  Speaker 1: things happen. Yeah, when you unpack it, you're like, oh, Wow.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's always there's always something to learn
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  Speaker 2: in situations like this for both parties, because it takes
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: two to create a relationship, and I think in terms
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  Speaker 2: of a relationship breakdown, it also takes two to contribute
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  Speaker 2: to that. And I'm not saying that you're a fault
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  Speaker 2: in any way, shape or form, but I am saying
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: that it takes two people to create a relationship dynamic.
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  Speaker 2: So you both have a part to play. Yeah, you know,
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: and now it's figuring out, Okay, what led to that?
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  Speaker 2: How did we get here? What brought us to this
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  Speaker 2: point where we're seeking outside of the relationship to get
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: our needs met?
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  Speaker 1: So for what needs to be met, that's right, that's right,
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  Speaker 1: that's something to look at. It's a lot to look at.
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  Speaker 1: And yeah, there's definitely some hard conversations and only you
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: know what this future could look like for you, But
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  Speaker 1: I think I don't know for me personally, I just yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I'm the same. My value what you value everything you said,
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  Speaker 1: an integrity, loyal honesty. Without trust, there just isn't a
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  Speaker 1: relationship for me, and I would always be questioning and
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: wondering what is going to go do? What's next? What's next?
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  Speaker 1: And you said you wouldn't cheat on me, but then
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  Speaker 1: you did, so there's my evidence.
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  Speaker 2: How am I going to trust you next time?
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  Speaker 1: How can I trust you next time? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely?
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  Speaker 1: Am I not enough for you? Am I not giving
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  Speaker 1: you what you need? In the bedroom?
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  Speaker 2: Like?
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  Speaker 1: There's all these questions and had conversations to have, But
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  Speaker 1: I just don't think that is something I would be
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  Speaker 1: willing to work through in hope that it got to
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  Speaker 1: where I wanted to be. I think it'd just be
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  Speaker 1: too broken for me.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely so. And it is so easy to do that,
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  Speaker 2: to start to internalize somebody else's actions and be like,
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: what's wrong with me because they didn't want me? Yes,
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  Speaker 2: And it's not the case. So really, if your mind
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: is going there, like I get it, I would probably
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: be doing the same thing. But just try not to
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: entertain those thoughts too much and just remember that like
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: somebody else's choices is not a result of you not
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: being worthy.
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  Speaker 1: Enough, no way, or not good enough. Definitely not, Because.
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  Speaker 2: Honestly, if this was Ashy or any of my other girlfriends,
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  Speaker 2: I would one hundred percent be telling them to leave
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: and I'd be supporting them through that journey. I'm like, okay, cool,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: what do we need to do to help you get
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: out of this situation? Because this is not it for you.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: This is not it.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no way.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: And you want people in your life that can see
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: your worth if you are doubting it as well. That's
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: what best friends are for. That's right to remind you
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  Speaker 1: what you're worthy of and what you can have and
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: everything you want and desire. I feel safe and loved
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: and honored and respected. It is out there for you.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Don't ever think that you have to settle for anything less. Absolutely,
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: if you had a daughter, would you tell her to stay?
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: Would you tell her to go? You would tell her
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: to get the fuck out of the Absolutely no way
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I would ever advise or encourage Tahala to stay with
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the man that did that to her. No fucking way.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, not a chance, Not a chance. But we would
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: love and update more context. We actually did a Q
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: and A on our instat and a lot of you
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: are asking for updates from these episodes. Yes we want them,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Please bring them in halfily talk about them. So if
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: you have heard your submission on here and you have
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: an update as to what happened next, please let us know,
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: just go fill the format again or send us a
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: DM what if you're comfortable with dms obviously aren't anonymous anonymous,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: but we would love an update. We'd love to talk
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: about it. All of our listeners are also hanging on
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: by a thread, wanting to.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Know, waiting to hear more about your stories, So bring
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: it in.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Yes, but thank you so much for joining us, and
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: we will see you tomorrow.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: Bye bye