Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Popular Media Aimed Toward Teens Doesn't Show Married Sex Anymore... Why This Matters

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Popular Media Aimed Toward Teens Doesn't Show Married Sex Anymore... Why This Matters · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
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  about my epiphanies from watching and teen television
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  with my twins and what it means about your sex life, I can
• 0:19
  relate really any fucking thing, back to your sex life, that is
• 0:23
  my special talent. So, before we get to that,
• 0:27
  please do subscribe, the next one, whatever it will be, will
• 0:32
  be a subscription one. And the previous subscription
• 0:34
  one was about About your wife fantasizing about other people
• 0:37
  but I also have when you defer working on the relationship
• 0:40
  until you have time but then you add more to your plate and the
• 0:43
  oral sex on women want and like 80 close to eighty five others,
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  you're replicating your parents marriage and you don't even know
• 0:49
  it. And if you want to know your
• 0:50
  wife's full potential for love, check out her relationship with
• 0:53
  the kids, especially her favorite.
• 0:56
  That is mind. Opener on its own, guys.
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  Okay, so I was watching my so-called life which of course,
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  Everybody should remember if they were born anywhere near
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  around. When I was a 1981, was the big
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  Claire Danes one. It was only on for one season
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  anybody who's female will know what I'm talking about.
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  But males may not anyway. It was a, it was, you know, a
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  teen drama. And it was this coming-of-age
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  story. Like, they all are, you know,
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  of, you know what teens like to watch?
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  She's in high school. She's has a crush.
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  She's thinking about whether to have sex, she's, you know, her
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  friends are confronting issues of, you know, drug use and Cool
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  issues and Pyrrha shoes and like all of these different things.
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  So what I ate what was interesting and and also what
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  was interesting is that as I was watching it, I haven't googled
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  this just because I don't care enough but it seemed to
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  replicate and be the template for another teen drama that I
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  had watched. Which is a modern one with my
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  daughter called Never Have I Ever So and never have I ever
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  it. Seems like it was take it's like
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  South Asian girl and it was by Mindy Kaling And most really
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  good show. And it seems to be based on my
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  so-called life or maybe they're just, everything is kind of
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  similar. But this one really seems to
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  have an overlap. And but what was so interesting
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  to watch the whole thing of never have I ever?
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  And it was the same kind of thing, a teenage girl is
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  figuring out issues of like, having sex and, you know,
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  partying and grades. And like you know, all these
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  teenage themes. It was just funny.
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  Show you should totally watch it with your kids, if they like it,
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  if they're that age, that they would be interested.
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  Stood. But so I compared it though, to
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  watching the original, my so-called life, which came out
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  and like, I don't know the 90s and in my so-called life by the
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  second episode. The, we think that the dad's
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  already cheating on the mom, possibly the parents have a
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  fight and then they make up the fight in bed.
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  Of course, you don't see them have sex, but you see like he
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  starts to kiss her while she's crying and then like they end up
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  in bed and you don't see that but you see them laying there
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  his shirts off and you know you could see That they just had sex
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  and it was makeup sex. This was nowhere in the 30 years
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  later never. Have I ever, in fact, I don't
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  want to do spoiler alert but like, the mom doesn't ever have
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  sex. So there's reasons, but, you
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  know, there would be equal plot reasons for her to have sex, but
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  they just choose that she never does, you know?
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  And it's interesting, the difference and I've seen this in
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  a lot of different shows. There was like the old Degrassi,
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  the newer Degrassi and then, you know, The old 90210.
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  We're also you know the parents. They have sex.
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  This is like a storyline. If they interact with swingers,
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  you know, and even when I'm going back like growing pains
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  and Family Ties, you knew that those parents were having sex.
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  You knew it, you know? And it would they were like kind
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  of always kissing the kids. We like you Mom and Dad you
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  don't really see that stuff as much anymore in popular media.
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  And that's not only because you know cuz I don't like Sam not
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  like an Aficionado of it but it's also My kids reactions you
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  know when they see it it's like very different than the stuff
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  that they that they think is going to happen, you know?
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  Like they're surprised that they were be a storyline about the
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  parents you know versus that it just sticks to the kids.
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  So there's two issues that are interesting.
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  The first is I remember growing up in a pretty dysfunctional,
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  family with a marriage that was not good.
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  I remember looking to these as models of what a happy marriage
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  was supposed to look like between adults.
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  So So probably I was more tuned than maybe the average kid to
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  the story lines between Jim and Carol on 90210, or, you know,
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  the parents and my so-called life because it was interesting
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  to me, was new information and the information was very,
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  obviously that happy happily married or even Unhappily,
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  Married adults have sex. Like, that is a default thing
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  that they do, and it's a way that they make up and it's a way
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  that they derive joy in their day-to-day life.
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  Like it's a way that they come together.
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  Like there were a lot of scenes of It's like parents kissing in
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  the kitchen and then the kids walk, it more scenes than I see
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  in TV. Now, you know, when it's really
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  focused primarily on the kids and there's really no thought of
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  adult sex. And in fact, even if you were to
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  think about it or let's say bring it up do you know to
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  discuss with your partner? They would say?
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  Well kind of almost they might say, you know.
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  Well that's gross. Like why should something that
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  like our kids watch have to do with adults having sex?
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  Like that's basically disgusting And it's not, you know, because
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  at the age where people are struggling with these ideas
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  about whether to have sex, which is a key storyline or should be
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  in any teen drama. Because that's what teens think
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  about, you know, is when to have sex, that is not all they think
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  about, but it's certainly not just like hobbies and school,
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  you know, they're not neutered. That is what the most that's
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  when your hormones are raging. So of course, they're thinking
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  about when they should have sex. But it's interesting how they
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  are going to make those decisions.
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  The absence of role models that of parents that are happily
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  partnered and have an active sex life or at least the illusion of
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  Illusion with an a, to a happy sex life.
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  You know, because they are cuddling and they're kissing
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  Etc. And it's interesting because
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  rates of married, sex have dropped and there are more
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  sexless marriages now and fewer people that have a lower freak.
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  There are fewer, people that have sex at a lower frequency of
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  married, sex and people attribute this to smartphones.
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  But I also Or like, that's one of the reasons.
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  But there's also like in general, people become a super
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  obsessed with the kids and I talk about this all the time.
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  That child centered marriage, you know?
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  And so if there is a drama about teens, now it's all about the
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  team, you know, like it's really all about the teen.
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  And if there's anything about the parent, I really don't want
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  to give you any spoilers for never have I ever.
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  But a lot of the mother's decision making is based on the
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  kid more so than in the From our youth and I use our assuming
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  that you guys are in my cohort or, or certainly not teens.
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  Teens are not listening. You know, so in the absence of
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  understanding or even thinking that there should be kind of
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  this balance between like the needs of the parents and the
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  needs of the teenage children, you know, that everything
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  becomes over weighted toward what the teen needs and wants
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  and thinks, and it's almost like they're, they're in a Vacuum,
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  they're not embedded in a larger family where the needs and
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  interests of the main people in it.
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  The parents, you know, the ones who are supporting this whole
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  Endeavor and whose relationship created the whole family though,
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  the parents are Beyond peripheral and you know, popular
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  media, is it both, you know, it's bi-directional with real
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  life. So, the child centeredness of
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  the times creates child-centered popular media, which then, you
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  know, perpetuates the idea that this is What's normal and
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  nowadays, it's so interesting because people real and children
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  are having sex later and later. So it used to be that the
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  average age of sex was, I don't know, 16 and now it's 18 or I
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  don't remember, but there was a change over time over the past
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  30 years. And it's funny because like,
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  invariably, if you talk about this in, you know, well, I'm
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  gonna I'm gonna google that because I feel like that would
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  be interesting. Hold up.
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  All right, so that's pretty cool.
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  That's like when even used to stop time and that show where
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  she was half, Martian speaking of popular media from our youth
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  because I mean, I just did a little internet research and
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  y'all, you know, didn't even have to skip a beat really?
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  So, listen. So this is something I just got
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  from the CDC, so this is 2017 but, you know, I mean, this is a
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  Google search. I did three minutes the 2017
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  National Youth risk behavior, survey yrbs, Pains of promising,
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  Picture about the drug and sexual behaviors us high school
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  students report, but the findings leave room for concern,
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  especially among groups of young people who report multiple
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  health risks, the health of our youth reflects the nation's
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  well-being, said, CDC director, Robert Redfield.
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  MD in the past decade there have been substantial improvements in
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  the behaviors, that puts students most at risk for HIV
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  and sexually transmitted diseases.
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  However, we can't yet declare success.
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  When so many young people are getting HIV and STDs and
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  experiencing disturbingly, High rates of substance, use violence
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  and suicide student sexual behavior in 2017.
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  There was another decline in the percentage of high school
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  students who report that they have ever had sex and those who
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  have had four or more Partners the lowest level since the CDC
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  began conducting the survey in 1991.
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  So it declined. So the self-reported data show
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  that students who have ever had sex decline from 47.8% nearly
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  half in 2007, took 39 .5 percent in 2017 So that's super
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  interesting, right? So, this is an all of high
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  school and high school is, you know, includes all the way up to
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  age 18. When you're pretty much, you
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  know, an adult and in most ways you could certainly be, you
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  could, you could be in the military.
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  So the point is like fewer kids are having sex at all.
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  This is not just, I mean unpopular opinion where I mean
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  this is not necessarily great news, you know, like the way
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  that they say and they hurled it as some marker of of it.
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  It's just great news just across the board.
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  Why, you know, I mean, people have great sexual experiences
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  with high school, sweethearts. Sure.
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  If like, something happens in your drunk at a party and that
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  you regret that's going to be bad, I get that.
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  However, you know, most people that had a high school,
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  sweetheart, a long-term relationship.
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  Do you know what they long-term relationships and high school,
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  six months? Something, you know, report that
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  those are real positive sexual experiences and I'll tell you, I
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  see people later in life. Particularly men who really,
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  very much regret that they did not have those High School
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  experiences that would have taught them about women because
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  you learn about women pretty well, if you are in a monogamous
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  well, long-term High School relationship because you are so
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  thrilled to death to be having any sexual contact.
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  You were just a little absorbent sponge, you learn better at that
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  age, you're, you know, you're going to end up pretty good in
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  bed. So, the the point is here, that
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  out the sexlessness of the adults, which you Can Google the
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  how sexless marriages have risen over time?
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  I don't need to do that. And the the lower frequency
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  among married partners of having sex, this is it starts early.
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  Now, you know, like it's also in the teenagers as well and you
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  know, I don't know. I mean, they're it's not just
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  unfailingly good. I'll tell you that certainly not
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  among adults, who are very unhappy, and coming to
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  counseling at even even starting from when I was in private
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  practice in 2009, the Rates of sexlessness that I see in
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  marriages of just the average couple coming in is risen, you
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  know, significantly to a point that it's something that I deal
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  with all the time. So overall what I'm saying is
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  this if you want to show your child and this is where this was
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  all going people. If you want to show your child a
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  healthy intimate relationship, it's probably the only one
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  they're going to see and it used to be all over media and it used
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  to be unknown thing. That adults married people had
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  sex. It is not like that.
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  Now it is not like that in reality, it's not that in the
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  media and people are terrified to an anyway.
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  Traumatize their child by basically showing them any
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  indicator that they have an intimate life.
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  This is like the worst possible reasoning.
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  Your child if they are like most children teenagers wants to be
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  engaging in an intimate relationship at some point, you
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  know, and where You going to get the template from that if
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  everything is is so sterilized, you know?
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  And and there's, they're treated more like infants, like the
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  reaction nowadays, if you would say, oh, I give you ever, you
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  know, talked about sex, like did with, with your teenager, you
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  know, like most people have really not accept to and I did a
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  podcast about that to instill fear, you know, to say
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  something. Like you got to watch out
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  there's STDs, you can get pregnant.
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  You know, guys are going to take pictures of you and put them all
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  over the internet. Net.
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  You can't trust anybody. If you don't love somebody, if
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  you don't know that, you want to be with them, the why would you
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  entrust your body to them? And they could hurt you and they
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  can hurt you physically, and they can hurt you mentally.
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  And they can hurt you emotionally.
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  This is like the norm of talks about sex in the rare cases that
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  people directly do. Talk about sex is really focused
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  on the negative. And, of course, it isn't task
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  for for the average person who feels fairly inarticulate and
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  awkward around these matters to say, Like your father and I have
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  a wonderful sex life. Like, listen, like I'm no fool,
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  like, I don't feel like you're going to like be sitting down,
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  you know what, Starbucks with your 14 year old saying,
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  something like that and if you did, they'd probably be like
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  you, you stop because it's boundary Crossing.
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  However, if they were to see evidence of that that, you know,
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  that that goes into their mind, more than you haven't some like,
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  weird awkward talk with that, you know, like sure you can say,
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  sex is a wonderful thing between people who care.
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  About one another and I've written out like what to say and
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  I could just tell you right now because I have you listening
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  captive audience, you know, sex is wonderful thing.
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  Between people who care about each other.
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  You know, when you can make decisions about what that means
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  to you and sex is interesting and fun and lovely and whatever
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  adjective you want to put in. Also you know be careful because
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  if you're a sensitive person you sleep with somebody in the next
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  day here they sleep with somebody else.
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  You might get your feelings hurt, you know.
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  Also of course, use a On Demand. Is that the other the protection
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  side but lead with the positive, right?
• 15:03
  But anyway, that's an aside. You won't even really have to go
• 15:06
  so granular on that if they know that they're seeing an intimate
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  relationship between you to between the parents, you know,
• 15:15
  or in the case that you're Divorced with the parent and the
• 15:18
  new partner, if there is one you know where there's touching and
• 15:22
  kissing and you know hugging and you go into your room and shut
• 15:27
  and lock the door sometimes. Times.
• 15:29
  And they can't always come into your bedroom because you may be
• 15:32
  doing adult things. And the door is locked to
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  indicate that that would be a sign, you know.
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  So if kids are not getting from the media, any real idea of what
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  married intimate relationships are supposed to look like, which
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  increasingly, I believe they are not.
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  Then, who do they have left? It's only you.
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  So use that information wisely and show them that adults during
• 15:58
  the day, Physical comfort in one another, and enjoy physical
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  intimacy and that that is something to look forward to as
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  a good part of being an adult, is that you get to be in a
• 16:08
  romantic relationship with a partner and build a life
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  together. A romantic relationship because
• 16:14
  of your whole relationship is about driving, the kids, to
• 16:16
  their activities and then talking about money in serious
• 16:20
  voices, and then planning the next vacation in which you do
• 16:23
  absolutely nothing besides hope the children see yet, another
• 16:26
  College. Well, then what do they think
• 16:27
  about being an adult? I think that it sucks and I'll
• 16:29
  tell you, they really do because the young adults that I talk to
• 16:32
  in therapy frequently don't want to have kids because they're
• 16:35
  like, man, my parents life sucked.
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  I mean, they were like nice, they were good to me, but I
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  don't want to sacrifice my whole life for kids like they did.
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  This is a sort of philosophy that you want to transmit.
• 16:46
  No. So could be a wake-up.
• 16:48
  Call picturing your own child thinking something like that.
• 16:50
  One day, anyway, hope you found this interesting.
• 16:52
  I always find the sociological one's pretty interesting.
• 16:55
  I may be in the minority but then again, I am the creator of
• 16:58
  all All things dr. Psych mom show.
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  So, you know I could talk about what I want and but but really I
• 17:05
  mean it's interesting go back and watch some of the shows that
• 17:08
  you used to watch as a kid in the 90s or in the 2000s and see
• 17:11
  how different it is you know is such a mindfuck.
• 17:14
  It's like super interesting to do that with your partner that
• 17:17
  would be an assignment I would give you if you are my clients
• 17:20
  and you might as well be so you are for these 20 minutes so I'll
• 17:24
  talk to you all soon and you're actually not like that's that's
• 17:28
  I don't know if that passive like disclaimer legal thing,
• 17:31
  you're not by clients unless you side, you know, the Forbes and
• 17:34
  say that you are, but you are people that I care about.
• 17:37
  So listen and do the assignments that I tell you to do, if you
• 17:40
  want to get some more value out of these watch, one of those
• 17:44
  shows and discuss with your partner and I'll talk to you all
• 17:46
  soon.