Latest / The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast / Why "I Don't Need Anyone" Is Usually a Trauma Response, Not Strength

Transcript

Why "I Don't Need Anyone" Is Usually a Trauma Response, Not Strength · The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It got set up back in the childhood development years.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's just not about sex, it's not about porn.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's impacting women, men, children age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Kairos means your appointed time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it your time to reclaim your life?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Bring colour back to life without shame.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Click the link below and begin your journey.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You owe it to yourself and to others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about early attachment patterns.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver in order for their social and emotional development to occur normally.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Without this attachment, they will suffer serious psychological and social impairment.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh that's a bit grand, isn't it?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: During the first two years, how the parents or caregivers respond to their infants establishes the types of patterns of attachment their children are going to go on to form.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And these patterns will go on to guide the child's feelings, thoughts, and expectations as adults in their future relationships.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: These patterns will go on to guide the child's feelings, thoughts, and expectations and therefore be affecting how they're doing their adult relationships in the future.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's why this is a big deal for us to look at.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is all about how those childhood formative years are going to go on to impact how you're doing your adult relationships.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: So when I first came across there, wow, that's a big deal, but I'm sure it applies to all those other people.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: How dare somebody try and put me in a box by telling me one of these styles belongs to me?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: How dare you?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm more complex than that.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So kicking and screaming when I came across this.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can't put me in a box and tell me and it's Oh oh my goodness.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I can identify with the descriptions in one or two of these things.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment styles.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Insecure attachments, and I don't like this.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So some of you might react in a very adverse way.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: How dare somebody and it's not me, it's not me.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just reading the article to you.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: How dare somebody try and put me in a box and tell me?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, listen to the stuff and see what you think.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Secure attachments then, the one on this hand.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The ideal outcome, which you might have, which many people do have.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: The ideal outcome.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: What does it look like?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Ideally, from the time infants are six months to two years of age, they form an emotional attachment with an adult who is attuned to them, that is, who is sensitive and responsive in their interactions with the child.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's vital that this attachment figure remain a consistent caregiver throughout this period in a child's life.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: During the second year, children begin to use the adult as a secure base, the lighthouse, from which to explore the world and become more independent, part of growing up and developing, with the aid of the lighthouse.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: A child in this type of relationship is securely attached.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to go on now to look at those three insecure attachment styles.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: The three on this hand.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: The first of those avoidant attachment.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: In this article, it's called avoidant attachment.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: These are adults who are emotionally unavailable, and as a result, they are insensitive to and unaware of the needs of their children.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you're viewing this, remember, through the lens of you as the child and how you were parenting, how you were parented.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: We're not being critical of them necessarily.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Parents tend to try to do the best that they can be and do.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you may have some criticism about whether their best was good enough.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: What we must always do is remember the parents that parented your parents as to how your parents are doing life, how they're doing life.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Battons and scripts get handed down and handed on.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we'll do that timeline journey and the geneogram, particularly the geneogram, to look at what does your family line look like?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the avoidant attachment where the adults are emotionally unavailable, and as a result, they are insensitive to and unaware of the needs of their children.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: They have little or no response when a child is hurting or distressed.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And these parents discourage crying and encourage independence.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Often their children quickly develop into being little adults too soon.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: But who learn to take care of themselves very independent at such a young age, too young.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And these children pull away from needing anything from anyone else and become self-contained.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: They have formed what is called an avoidant attachment with a misattuned parent.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to look at this one, that avoidant attachment style, in another article, and in this other article, which is called dismissive avoidant.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's the same one, it's the same thing, it's the same avoidant attachment, but just given a different name, dismissive avoidant.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And in this article, a dismissive avoidant attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a negative view of others.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: People with this dismissive avoidance style tend to agree with these statements.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And people with this attachment style desire a high level of independence.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: They often deny needing close relationships.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's a defensiveness in the characteristic traits to protect themselves.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And people with a dismissive avoidance style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the source of rejection, often their relationship partners, but also others.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some other statements that people with this dismissive avoidant, also called avoidant attachment, might identify with.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment stuff set up back there.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I prefer not to be too close with romantic partners.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's some of the traits, characteristic traits that come out.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Send me a message.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do some work without shame and bring color back to life.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Chiral Center.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.