Latest / Shed Talk with Kevin Halliday / Happiness Is A Muscle | Karen Judge, Proactive Mind Health Researcher | Shed Talk with Kevin Halliday Ep. #121
Transcript
- Kevin: What if trying so hard to be happy Kevin: has become another reason we feel Kevin: we're falling behind? Kevin: Think about the advice. You wake up Kevin: early, get more steps, be grateful, Kevin: become the best version of Kevin: yourself. At what point does it Kevin: take care of ourselves become Kevin: another job we're afraid we're Kevin: doing badly? And when did having a Kevin: bad day start feeling like we Kevin: actually failed? Kevin: Welcome to Shed Talk. I'm Kevin Kevin: Halliday and today I'm joined with Kevin: Karen Judge, founder of Happified Kevin: Hub and author Kevin: of Drive Your Happiness. Karen Kevin: spent years helping people look Kevin: good on the outside and now her Kevin: work explores how do we feel on the Kevin: inside. And today I want to explore Kevin: what happens when those two Kevin: things don't match. When everyone Kevin: thinks you're doing great but Kevin: you're exhausted from keeping up Kevin: the appearance. Karen, welcome to Kevin: Shed Talk. Kevin: Nice to have you here. So I got a Kevin: question. Kevin: When your work is built around Kevin: happiness, do you ever feel the Kevin: pressure to hide a bad day? Kevin: Absolutely. Kevin: Awesome. You know Kevin: But can Kevin: what? I had to get it out. Guest: Yeah. Please. Guest: I just say something? Well, because Guest: I think we all kind of armor up. Guest: I'd never want to be a burden to Guest: anybody, but one thing that I say Guest: is, and let's be clear, happiness Guest: is not the absence of sadness. Guest: it is having the skills and tools Guest: to know what to do about it and Guest: turn a frown upside down. Guest: So it's funny because my son has Guest: said that before on my days where Guest: he's like, oh, for the happiness Guest: lady, you sure seem cranky today. Guest: And I'm like, oh, no, no, I still Guest: am human. That's not what this is Guest: about. It's not about toxic Guest: positivity and walking around Guest: and put a smile on your face. It's Guest: about being real. And I've had Guest: that. I've had people come up to me Guest: and like, really, are you always so Guest: happy? And it's not that I'm always Guest: so happy. be a lot of times i'm Guest: really struggling inside i have my Guest: stuff too but i have the skills and Guest: tools Guest: to turn to and so that brings me Guest: hope that i know i'm never going to Guest: get stuck there if that makes sense Kevin: totally makes sense because I Kevin: wanted to actually, when I set that Kevin: question up, it was It was like, Kevin: all right, here's their edits of Kevin: this. Here's how we do it. But it Kevin: was more getting into it because we Kevin: all have these positive vibes. Kevin: thoughts You know what? Think Kevin: positive. Here's how it happens. Kevin: And positive, thinking positive and Kevin: being happy, are they the same? Guest: well there's toxic positivity so Guest: i'm not one like that like you know Guest: don't face reality it is about Guest: facing reality but happiness goes Guest: even further so so a lot of uh my Guest: work was focused Guest: around you know if we are Guest: successful then we'll be happy Guest: going Guest: right and and i i was following Guest: that Guest: narrative for many years. And then Guest: my research took me to really the Guest: precursor to happiness is mind Guest: health. And what that means is the Guest: pictures you create in your head Guest: and the words Guest: you attach to them, are they Guest: serving you or are they hurting Guest: you? And if they're hurting you, Guest: you are never going to experience Guest: happiness. And now I'm taking my Guest: research even a little further Guest: in that the precursor to mind Guest: health is hope. And if you have no Guest: hope, then you'll have no mind Guest: health and then you'll have no Guest: happiness so to me happiness one of Guest: my slogans it's on my Guest: website happiness is not black and Guest: white well Kevin: What color is it? Guest: I have a little yellow dot so I Guest: have a bunch of yellow on mine of Guest: course right but my whole branding Guest: is black and white for a reason Guest: because I want to say it's not just Guest: black and white it's very it's Guest: subjective it's so subjective so Guest: you Guest: know when I first meet people first Guest: questions always how do you define Guest: happiness so do you want to take a Guest: stab how do you define happiness Kevin: okay Kevin: I define happiness as being the sum Kevin: total of my own thoughts, where I Kevin: am today at this particular moment Kevin: and where am I going to be tomorrow Guest: well that is really impressive Guest: you're the first person that has Guest: been able to answer it that quick Guest: or that quickly yeah most people Guest: will sit there and they'll pause Guest: and I'll see them go inward and Guest: they'll be like I don't know I've Guest: never really thought about this and Guest: most times I'll hear my family Guest: that's that's what I'll hear and it Guest: wasn't until I met Justin at a Guest: party and I said and Justin was Guest: like this super outgoing like Guest: like amazing guy who walked up to, Guest: or it was at an event. He walked up Guest: to me, grabbed my hand and said, Guest: come play with me. And he was Guest: taking me around the room. We're Guest: having super fun. I'm like, oh, I Guest: got to ask this guy how he defines Guest: happiness. And I'm like, Justin, Guest: how do you define happiness? Guest: And he just turned to me, he goes, Guest: how can I define something I don't Guest: understand? Guest: And that really sparked something. Guest: And that's what my book, Why Drive Guest: Your Happiness, because what is it Guest: really? Like, what is that? What is Guest: happiness? And so it's like kind of Guest: diving deeper because because Guest: there's a lot of happy haters out Guest: there, too. Oh, happy, you and your Guest: happy. Oh, here she Guest: comes. Miss happy. You know, it's Guest: like, no, no, that's not what this Guest: is about. Kevin: So what would you say to those Kevin: happy haters? so you see them Kevin: they're coming in oh here she is a Kevin: happy eater what would your what Kevin: would your vision of them be like Kevin: what are they thinking in their Kevin: head is it a negative you Guest: You know what, I hold space for Guest: them. Guest: And inward, it's my dialogue. Guest: They're, they don't get it yet. Guest: they don't get it and i just you Guest: And I just hold space. I meet Guest: know Guest: people where they're at. And I just Guest: let them be, you know, obviously Guest: want to offer some, you know, try Guest: to get them to understand, because Guest: I get it. I understand, I Guest: appreciate it. Guest: But then it becomes when we know Guest: better, we do better. So it's about Guest: sharing some of that knowledge. And Guest: so first, we might go to the Guest: definition of happiness. And then Guest: I'll say, Okay, well, according to Guest: the ancient Guest: Greeks, happiness is defined as the Guest: joy you feel moving towards your Guest: potential. That is their their Guest: definition of happiness. And so Guest: then I'm like, do you know that Guest: there's two types of Guest: happiness? Did you know there's two Guest: types of happiness? Yeah, Kevin: No. Guest: eudaimonic and eudaimonic Guest: happiness. So eudaimonic happiness Kevin: Okay, explain. Guest: is about pleasure. Guest: It's about, you know, that car, Guest: that whatever. And eudaimonic is Guest: about development of self, your Guest: value, your worth, and all that. Guest: And so I teach that both types of Guest: happiness are important because our Guest: brain is wired to go towards Guest: pleasure and away from pain, right? Guest: So who doesn't want a little bit of Guest: pleasure in life? I know I do. I Guest: know I have fun to drive that nice Guest: car to go on that nice holiday. Guest: But to really check in with Guest: yourself, it's what type of Guest: happiness is controlling your life. Guest: And if whodunit happiness, I Guest: guarantee you, you are never, Guest: you're always pushing your Guest: happiness over the horizon. Guest: Because once you get something, you Guest: want more. You want that bigger Guest: hit. You get that car, you want the Guest: nicer version. You get that house, Guest: you want the bigger house. You want Guest: that trip, you want the other trip. Guest: Like you're always wanting and Guest: wanting. Guest: Where eudaimonic is more about just Guest: really being in a good place. Kevin: So would that be more like an Kevin: instant gratification? I need to Kevin: have it now, the hit of a dopamine? Guest: Yes, of course. And that's okay, Guest: but you've got to, that's a skill Guest: that you're going to build. that Guest: yes you'll but you have to have the Guest: awareness and know my gosh i'm just Guest: so much into this and i Guest: can meet people right away and know Guest: which happiness is going their way Guest: and you know that it's just not Guest: healthy it's dangerous and so i Guest: want everyone to get to that point Guest: where inside they just feel this Guest: level and you can call it whatever Guest: you want peace calm joy i know Guest: they're all different uh they Guest: truly have different meaning those Guest: words i choose the word happy Guest: because i love the way the way the Guest: word looks I like the way it sounds Guest: ever since I was a little girl I Guest: always wore happy faces and Guest: so that's just my word right but it Guest: can be whatever it is but it's it's Guest: getting to that level inside of you Guest: that really on a deep deep level Guest: and I want everyone to get there to Guest: really Guest: experience that real level of well Guest: joy Kevin: So I want to ask you a little bit Kevin: deeper here because I want to get Kevin: into that because you said you want Kevin: everybody to feel that, okay? Kevin: yeah I know yeah Kevin: Good, bad, or indifferent. Kevin: Why? why? And I want to go to the Kevin: why is that, why did you get this Kevin: started? Where did this become Kevin: important to you? What was that aha Kevin: moment that said, I need to write Kevin: this book, I need to start this, I Kevin: need to communicate with humans, so Kevin: that I can actually change the way Kevin: they are, who they Kevin: are, who, what, where, when, why, Kevin: who they are? What was that Kevin: defining moment for you? And I'm Kevin: going to go back, because you have Kevin: a great history of everything that Kevin: you've done, and which is is Kevin: amazing and then for the listeners Kevin: like in the news like everything Kevin: that you've done so i want to Kevin: start where it actually hit you Kevin: that you needed to create this Guest: Well, yeah, and that's a big Guest: question. So I'm going to try to Guest: give you it, because it's I could Guest: be here for seven hours Kevin: hours to go we're good yes no this Kevin: is Guest: could be a long answer Guest: good first Guest: my why is really deep um first of Guest: all let's just start off with the Guest: fact that it's said that happiness Guest: is the oldest pursuit of man and Guest: that that's what ask anybody what Guest: do you want out of Guest: life and often you're always going Guest: to hear to be happy so what does Guest: that mean and why has this always Guest: been an the oldest pursuit and if Guest: if happiness is the pursuit why is Guest: mental health Guest: going in the wrong direction? Why Guest: are so many people struggling? Guest: Like, what's going on here? Guest: And so that's, you know, to me, Guest: that was the question I asked. And Guest: I want to start as finding Guest: solutions for that, to turn that Guest: around. But for me, it was it's my Guest: life experience. I grew Guest: up in a, I grew up in a very nice Guest: home and had, you know, all our Guest: needs met. But behind the doors of Guest: our house, we had this dark secret Guest: going on. And that was that my Guest: mother would go in and out Guest: to a new work. My dad had stored my Guest: of these episodes and our family Guest: wouldn't understand it and we Guest: wouldn't my dad adored my mom my Guest: mom. Guest: dad was very successful all her Guest: needs were met she had everything Guest: she wanted three healthy Guest: kids she checked every box so why Guest: did she have these episodes and so Guest: I went through that my whole life Guest: that roller coaster of oh is mom Guest: It's that rollercoaster. Guest: okay no she's not okay this month Guest: oh she's gonna be Guest: okay next month and you know they Guest: labeled them as nervous breakdowns Guest: different things and you know know Guest: our family just didn't understand Guest: and it was when I turned 21 that my Guest: mom had the episode of Guest: all episodes and she went catatonic Guest: cornflakes. Guest: and she could no longer speak and Guest: show emotion and she ended up Guest: in the hospital and she had Guest: you know, Guest: treatments that are just absolutely Guest: unthinkable to me that what she Guest: went through and she got worse and Guest: And you were Guest: they basically said there's nothing Guest: more we can do for her and Guest: she should go live her life out in Guest: some institution and my dad said Guest: there's no way we're going to bring Guest: her home and he brought her home Guest: and she didn't leave the house for Guest: 20 years 21 Guest: I Kevin: was Kevin: at this time. Guest: 21 at the time yeah Guest: Did you Kevin: and well Kevin: stay at home? Guest: I was I was close to leave like I Guest: moved out shortly after right and Guest: got married um so for me I grew up Guest: with this right and and there's Guest: there's a lot of mental Guest: illness in my mom's family I didn't Guest: understand at the time I understand Guest: now why that is um and And so our Guest: family lived in a lot of isolation Guest: and shame. Guest: And, you know, even when I tell you Guest: that, like as I'm saying it, it's Guest: like that just sounds so, like, Guest: unthinkable. But it was the way it Guest: was. And our family just figured Guest: out we just managed it. It just Guest: became the status quo. It just was. Guest: And then when she passed away, of Guest: course, had to deal with her double Guest: death because, you know, I lost her Guest: when I was 21. Guest: And then when she passed away, you Guest: know, it was just weird, Guest: right? and again our family lived Guest: in just a lot of isolation and Guest: shame but then I lost my mother Guest: father sister and brother within Guest: months of each other and they all Guest: took a long time like my father and Guest: the long illnesses and lost my Guest: brother and my mother to mental Guest: illness and it really was on the Guest: night my sister took her last Guest: 9th of June Guest: breath and I was driving home and Guest: it just this just came over me Guest: and I just was like I knew I Guest: checked every box to have my own Guest: because I've been through you know Guest: a decade of just chaos in our Guest: family and now I had two estates to Guest: settle lawsuits to fight Guest: just chaos and I was running my Guest: business raising a family and I Guest: just knew I check every box right Guest: now to have my own you know Guest: challenge and it was just I was Guest: driving home and it was just this Guest: this conviction that came over me, Guest: and I said, there is no way. Guest: It stops here. I am breaking the Guest: cycle in my family, and I'm going Guest: to figure this out, and I'm going Guest: to stay healthy. Kevin: I want to go, I just want to ask Kevin: this because you said challenge, Kevin: okay, I want to stop the challenge, Kevin: I want to dig, I want to, it's not Kevin: dig deep, I want to talk about it, Kevin: because a lot of Kevin: people ask, they're saying, well, Kevin: what was that challenge, like I had Kevin: to break the challenge, Guest: like what was that and Guest: Hopeless. Guest: I'm not enough. Guest: I don't matter. I'm not lovable. Guest: Trauma. Guest: You know, growing up, some trauma. Guest: you're driving right now and you're Guest: thinking this Guest: It just came over me. Kevin: and Guest: you're going i don't want to be Guest: It came over me. And I just said, Guest: no, it ends here for me and for my Guest: son. so the next morning I woke up Guest: well I didn't know what that meant Guest: but the life I knew was no longer Guest: the life in front of me and so I Guest: thought well what am I going to do Guest: and that's I just started Guest: reading I started reading and I Guest: started learning and I had a ha Guest: moment after a ha moment and what I Guest: realized is how powerful the brain Guest: mind body connection is and things Guest: that we can do to to Guest: advance our mental health so as I Guest: learned I just started taking Guest: action so at first it was my own Guest: journey. And I'm happy to say it's Guest: over 15 years now and I have stayed Guest: healthy and I've never been Guest: happier. I have struggles every Guest: day, but I've been able to stay Guest: healthy. I say to people, you know, Guest: I'm an example of what's possible. Guest: Nothing can shock me. Nobody can Guest: shock me. I just hold space Guest: faith, Guest: and I wish for no person to Guest: struggle because I felt that, but I Guest: also saw what struggled where where Guest: that took my mom, I wish for no Guest: person to ever go there. And that Guest: is why I'm on such a Guest: mission. Because life is stressful. Guest: We're all under so much stress. And Guest: we don't know what we don't know. Guest: And I believe everyone is hiding Guest: something, they're dealing with Guest: something. And to just where do we Guest: go? Where do we really go to feel Guest: supported and get that hope and Guest: those answers. Guest: And that's what I'm trying to Guest: create with Happified Hub, just Guest: connect people to resources from Guest: product services education Guest: experiences and just let them Guest: figure it out and and there's no Guest: Right. there's no one wrote so Guest: one wrote I mean Guest: there's no two cents when it comes Guest: to men there's no we're like Guest: snowflakes so you know it's it's Guest: like if you were to have a heart Guest: attack you're going to go to the Guest: hospital and chances are they're Guest: going to give you the same surgery Guest: they give people over and over and Guest: over again like there's so many Guest: things but when it comes to our Guest: mental health no two people are are Guest: the same no two people are the same Guest: but we don't you know we don't have Guest: the resources to Guest: really dig into that and to to do Guest: that we still is like you know Guest: based on symptoms or you know we Guest: need to go deeper with this and so Guest: yeah so when you look at it and i Guest: want to Kevin: get back into that, because you're Kevin: in the car, and then you're talking Kevin: about this to yourself. Now, you Kevin: don't want to go down that road, Kevin: but you weren't at your lowest Kevin: want to Kevin: point at that time correct or were Kevin: you at your Guest: lowest point Kevin: because the question that I'm Kevin: asking and then people that that Kevin: we're going to talk about happiness Kevin: we're mental health and stuff do Kevin: you have to hit your low point to Kevin: actually go okay Kevin: I'm at my bottom so that I can move Kevin: up or was that a point that saying Kevin: I just want change I've had enough Kevin: because I find that a lot of people Kevin: will go they talk about oh you got Kevin: to hit bottom before Kevin: you go up or do you have to hit Kevin: bottom like what is that and did Kevin: you hit bottom or to you and that's Kevin: you're in the car you're there i Kevin: don't know if you were suicidal or Kevin: or where you're at in your head Kevin: um but to make it and your daughter Kevin: was in the car with you correct Guest: no just me no it was the night my Guest: nobody Guest: you and Guest: sister took her last breath yeah Kevin: then you're driving it's like okay Kevin: you don't want to have this mental Kevin: illness is there like was that Kevin: no Kevin: the lowest point Guest: know i i've never thought of that i Guest: was i was at a low point for sure Guest: and my sister was my best friend Guest: and watching her take her last Guest: breath was just like, and it really Guest: got me questioning the meaning of Guest: life. Guest: And I thought, well, why her and Guest: not me? 50 -50, right? And so I Guest: think I was just really searching Guest: then. And now I'm an orphan. And so Guest: now, like I said, it's a whole Guest: different life for me. I think I Guest: was just Guest: really afraid. And of course, I Guest: mean, for the first year, every Guest: night I put me in the corner and I Guest: was just a puddle of mess. Like I Guest: was just, it was devastating. Guest: And so I knew I had a lot of of Guest: healing to do. So whether it was Guest: rock bottom, but I get what you're Guest: saying. And I do believe that to Guest: some extent. I think the thing is, Guest: what's really hurts my heart is I Guest: feel like we don't Guest: really address mental health until Guest: it becomes a real issue. Are we Guest: wait till that person really has to Guest: hit that rock bottom. And the thing Guest: is, when someone does, it's really Guest: hard to come back up. And that's Guest: what my whole work is. Let's build Guest: skills in a time of joy and Guest: inspiration. Guest: And do people, Guest: Let's, you know give you that Guest: ability to deal with that so maybe Guest: you don't have to hit that rock Guest: bottom but the reality is that's Guest: sometimes what it takes and i've Guest: seen that i've seen that in people Guest: they had to hit that rock bottom Guest: before Kevin: you've seen them hit the rock Kevin: they go Kevin: bottom, Kevin: and then all of a sudden you're Kevin: there. You want to be that first Kevin: level of communication, obviously Kevin: before they go further because Kevin: for the introduction Kevin: they're going to need help. Kevin: It's the introduction of the first Kevin: happiness to actually say, okay, Kevin: here, recognize where you're at so Kevin: that we can move to the next level. Kevin: Like, so what I'm getting at is Kevin: you've gone through this. You're Kevin: ready to go. You're doing research Kevin: because you just talked about Kevin: you're going into research. You're Kevin: reading more about it and going, Kevin: well, wait a second. I'm not going Kevin: to be a victim. Kevin: I'm going to be a changer. I'm Kevin: going to be a disruptor that's Kevin: going to create change for Kevin: happiness. Kevin: And these are the research that I'm Kevin: doing with it. Where did it become Kevin: the point of change to say, I need Kevin: to tell everybody about this? Guest: Well, so first of all, the first Guest: step is you have to want it. Guest: And that's why a lot of times when Guest: people hit rock bottom, and let's Guest: be really clear. I really need to Guest: be clear. Mental illness is real. Guest: And it is nobody's fault. Guest: Heart attack's real. It's not your Guest: fault. However, we all play a hand Guest: in our mental health every day. and Guest: we have a responsibility to Guest: understand what that is to advance Guest: protect it nurture it right Guest: and in order for you to do that Guest: whether you're suffering or you're Guest: not and again I'm not a doctor I Guest: don't treat I don't diagnose so I Guest: do get people that call me and Guest: they're like oh my Guest: friend suicidal can you meet I'm Guest: like oh no no no no no you need to Guest: go call your doctor that's not what Guest: I do however I will champion you I Guest: will show up I will tell you you've Guest: got this I will I will Guest: do that right I'm on the other side Guest: and I really all my research Guest: everything and you know it's I know Guest: I'm a decade or two ahead of my Guest: there's so Guest: time the hope is prevention it is Guest: prevention teaching people the Guest: skills and tools in a time of joy Guest: inspiration we don't learn this in Guest: schools we don't make this part of Guest: corporate culture we don't Guest: integrate it we're not talking Guest: about the home we're not talking Guest: about it in our community amongst Guest: our community we just don't know Guest: people really just don't know know Guest: how powerful they are. And that's Guest: the fun part for me. Because as I Guest: got to learn this, it was like, I Guest: just was so excited. It's like, Oh, Guest: my gosh, there's so many answers. Guest: Like I just Guest: I want to go out and I want to tell Guest: everyone like you don't have to Guest: struggle like you want to learn Guest: this stuff. Like don't you want to Guest: live your fullest, happiest, Guest: biggest life? Guest: Like how amazing is that? And Guest: that's that's what I wish for Guest: people. I mean, I've, I've turned Guest: my pain into purpose. And now I Guest: want to be in service to humanity. Guest: And I just want to I want to just Guest: shout this message Guest: from the rooftops to everybody and Guest: and you know create this movement Guest: create this you know the hope Guest: around this so Kevin: well let's break down and let's go Kevin: into it because you just mentioned Kevin: about 10 different items in here Kevin: and i really want to go into the Guest: first Kevin: stage of happiness okay because you Kevin: must have stages in the happiness Kevin: do you want to go in and start Kevin: breaking that down and and defining Kevin: for our listeners and then people Kevin: that are watching this about Kevin: because they may not know what Kevin: happiness is Kevin: okay when we say it's there's some Kevin: total of our own thoughts we are Kevin: where we are because we first Kevin: imagined to be where we are to grow Kevin: and this is what i said at the Kevin: beginning so that was my take and Kevin: then what is your take to help Kevin: other people just to the Kevin: introduction of happiness Guest: Oh, that's such a good question. I Guest: love that question. Guest: So I have a graphic and it's Guest: choose, become, spread happiness. Guest: So this is what I want for it. You Guest: choose it, you become it, and once Guest: you are it, it's your Guest: responsibility to spread it, okay? Guest: And I meet everyone where they're Guest: at. So when I meet somebody, that Guest: person who's the happiness hater, Guest: I'm like, well, they haven't chosen Guest: it yet. Guest: And so hold space for them. Guest: Be a positive outlier. Maybe create Guest: a ripple effect. And eventually, Guest: maybe they'll have an aha moment, Guest: and they'll be like, oh, right? Guest: So it's four levels. So you've got Guest: the unconscious incompetence, which Guest: means you don't even know what you Guest: don't know. and then you have the Guest: uh conscious incompetence so it's Guest: now you know but you don't know Guest: what to do Guest: right and so you move the scale the Guest: next one is you're you're trying to Guest: become it so you're working to Guest: become it but you have to think Guest: about it because you're building Guest: Because you're building the know, Guest: new neural Guest: and that gives you the ability Guest: connectors in your brain like it Guest: takes practice to make that you Guest: know the habit piece right Right. Guest: And then you get to the point where Guest: it's just unconscious competence Guest: and you just become it. And that's, Guest: that is, I wish that for everybody Guest: where, you know, but it takes work. Guest: It's a muscle you have to build. Guest: Happiness is a muscle. It's just Guest: not, you know, just doesn't come Guest: naturally. And, and if there's a Guest: happiness set point, so they say Guest: the happiness set point says 50 % Guest: of Guest: happiness is genetics, 10 % is Guest: circumstances, and 40 % is in your Guest: control. Guest: So okay, so genetics is one thing, Guest: right? I'm very fortunate because Guest: my father's side of the family, my Guest: father was probably the most Guest: positive, uplifting, there wasn't a Guest: person who did not love this man. Guest: And I think Guest: genetically, I got a good dose. Guest: Circumstances, it's only 10%. So Guest: really, if you hate your job, you Guest: don't whatever it's only 10 but Guest: there's the 40 and my question to Guest: someone would be okay so Guest: what are you doing about the 40 and Guest: that's sort of you know it gets Guest: people to realize that it's up to Guest: you and and you get a choice Guest: there's no right or wrong it's Guest: whatever you decide is the answer Guest: so Kevin: then let's go a little bit on the Kevin: 40%, okay? Kevin: So we got the 10%. I got the job Kevin: and do this. Now, let's do the 40 % Kevin: that I can choose, because we're Kevin: talking about the things you know Kevin: that you don't know. So we know Kevin: planes fly, but we don't know how Kevin: they fly, as an example, right? So Kevin: then all of a sudden, here's the Kevin: 40%. Kevin: Now, what would be one of the Kevin: titles that somebody would bring as Kevin: an example to you? How do I control Kevin: that for happiness in that 40 % Kevin: area? Kevin: What would be an example of Guest: well for what i so what i look at Kevin: something? Guest: for for um the work i do so i've Guest: coined the term proactive mind Guest: health so proactive mind health is Guest: um building skills and tools in a Guest: time of joy and inspiration Guest: inspiration right and so uh so Guest: we've got our mind health um and Guest: i've i've just you're gonna have to Guest: ask me that now again because now Guest: i'm thinking of another what was Guest: get back to your question Kevin: so we're gonna we talk about a Kevin: plane so the things you know that Kevin: you don't know so the plane we can Kevin: right Kevin: fly Guest: and Guest: okay Kevin: that we don't know how to fly but Kevin: then we're going to talk about Kevin: let's get into that 40 percent of Kevin: yes Guest: thank you you brought me back Guest: okay see it's Guest: back to it Kevin: like you see it's like a a day each Kevin: day we bring everybody back doing Kevin: it's awesome so this is good Guest: did so the premise of proactive Guest: okay oh you Guest: mind health Guest: so premise is an acronym for Guest: physical relational emotional mind Guest: intellectual spirit environmental Guest: self seven areas look at Kevin: gotta do that all over again i i Kevin: gotta remember that one Guest: premise so just go premise Kevin: so Guest: p physical physical relational Guest: emotional mind intellectual spirit Guest: environmental self so a lot of Guest: places just Guest: look at you know i more and i call Guest: that whole self -well -being and Guest: what i teach and what i've learned Guest: is that in order to be healthy and Guest: happy you have to be whole and Guest: complete so drive your Guest: happiness i have a tune -up inquiry Guest: so think about that just like you Guest: take your car to the mechanic right Guest: you take the car just to see if Guest: there's any warning signs right and Guest: that's what this tune up Guest: and quite we're just going to look Guest: doesn't diagnose you doesn't tell Guest: you something wrong it just shows Guest: what areas of your life maybe Guest: you're not paying attention to and Guest: then we create that plan for you to Guest: nurture all those different start Guest: others Guest: to nurture those different areas Guest: and of course this is a Guest: life journey because throughout Guest: life you're going to have you know Guest: you're going to require different Guest: things at different times right and Guest: so that is sort of my framework is Guest: let's meet you where where you're Guest: at first stage is we have to meet Guest: you where you're at that's the Guest: snowflake piece Guest: meet you where you're at and then Guest: let's create that plan let's bring Guest: more hope and joy and health and Guest: well -being and wholeness to your Guest: life so that's sort of really the Guest: that helps your answer Guest: yeah the question yeah so Kevin: because i'm looking at the 40 so Kevin: you've hit so the seven and then Kevin: what i wanted to do is get more of Kevin: the an experience here that's that Kevin: you've sat with somebody so example Kevin: i would use it as um are Kevin: are people afraid to die like when Kevin: do they actually love themselves Kevin: like some people like oh life's Kevin: life's hard and i can only speak Kevin: from experience so when i was Kevin: drinking an alcoholic Kevin: alcoholic and drinking too much i Kevin: found that sure i was successful Kevin: okay i faked it everything was Kevin: but when great but what had Kevin: happened was was i afraid to die i Kevin: was like oh like suicide i'm not Kevin: talking suicide waking up every day Kevin: and not that but i truly didn't Kevin: love myself until i realized that Kevin: to be happy i needed to love myself Kevin: and then what did that mean Guest: so Kevin: when i take all the stuff that that Kevin: you've said, then I go, oh, each Kevin: part, and I've dumbed it down to Kevin: myself, is truly, you have to love Kevin: yourself before you can love Kevin: others, and then how do I change Kevin: myself for others? Guest: well that comes down to getting to Guest: know yourself really well and i Guest: think that was like on my journey Guest: and what i learned was when this Guest: all happened and i made that choice Guest: and i I started learning. I thought Guest: I was happy. I checked boxes for Guest: happiness. When you said, Guest: were you at rock bottom? I don't Guest: think I thought I was at rock Guest: bottom. But as I started to learn, Guest: I was like, oh, and I just kept Guest: learning. I was like, oh my gosh, Guest: no wonder I'm a people pleaser. Guest: No wonder I feel rejected. Like I Guest: just started learning stuff about Guest: myself. And I started taking Guest: control. And I said to people, I Guest: might look like the same person as Guest: I did back then, but I am not the Guest: same person inside like I have such Guest: a connection and an understanding Guest: and understanding yourself, and Guest: of self and Guest: that's it we get disconnected from Guest: that's it. Guest: ourself and our brains are wired Guest: for connection we're wired for that Guest: that's that's safety our number one Guest: connection that we need to serve is Guest: to ourselves Guest: and if we don't have that what what Guest: we can't for others so for me Guest: that's really and again it's just Guest: getting to know yourself and that's Guest: what we do through the through the Guest: whole self and then it's It's like, Guest: okay, now let's create that plan. Guest: And my thing is, so when I speak in Guest: public, Guest: I do a lot of corporate, corporate Guest: team buildings, and corporate is, Guest: you know, raise your hand if you or Guest: someone you know, loved one, Guest: friend, coworker, whatever, Guest: struggles with depression. Guest: 94 to 98 % of the hands go up. Guest: Okay, now raise your hand if you, Guest: every day, you practice mind health Guest: and make it a habit. Guest: well Guest: And I maybe get 1 % of the hands Guest: going up. I don't know. It just Guest: seems obvious to me that we need to Guest: pay attention to this. So now when Guest: we create this plan, it's like, Guest: what are you doing every day? What Guest: are you doing? Guest: You know, we talk about our Guest: physical fitness. Well, if you want Guest: if Guest: to be physically fit, you've got to Guest: go to the gym all the time. You Guest: can't just go once and don't go for Guest: six months. Well, it's the same Guest: with our mental health. You're not Guest: practicing it every day. It's Guest: dangerous. Guest: And so what does that look like? so Guest: the first thing is I say you got to Guest: prime yourself every morning non Guest: -negotiable principle Guest: every morning I wake up and I say Guest: today's going to be a good day Guest: because once I say that that's what Guest: my brain's going to start looking Guest: for and so it's like you wake up Guest: and it's not just get going and Guest: just do the thing you did yesterday Guest: and just keep going and going in Guest: that unconscious Guest: incompetent state right it's about Guest: you have to get aware of what that Guest: is and now what routine you know Guest: are you going to practice gratitude Guest: are you going to do a meditation I Guest: teach about Guest: about styling, you're happy still, Guest: right? Eat for your gut health. 90 Guest: % of our serotonin is made in our Guest: gut. If you are struggling, gut Guest: health is so important. It's the Guest: first place I'd look to get Guest: myself on a really healthy diet of Guest: brain healthy food and see if that Guest: helps. You know, make your bed, Guest: make it look like it's magazine Guest: worthy. Not only is that Guest: creativity, which you just Google Guest: the power of creativity on your Guest: happiness, but it's also a small Guest: win. You've already had a small all Guest: in for the day. And then when you Guest: go to sleep at night, it feels Guest: special. And you're setting Guest: yourself up to have a great night's Guest: sleep. It's like, oh, I matter. So Guest: it's like, what's your routine Guest: every morning, you've got to invest Guest: in yourself. And then because as Guest: soon as you go out, the world's Guest: going to start poking you poke, Guest: poke, poke, poke, poke. And it's Guest: like energy out. And so Guest: you got to put energy in. And then Guest: my question is throughout the day, Guest: what pause moments are you you Guest: taking to inject energy? Are you Guest: just going and going and going? So Guest: think about this. An elite Guest: athlete puts a lot of effort than Guest: recovering renewal, puts more into Guest: recovering renewal than really the Guest: effort, right? So how are we doing Guest: that in our lives? Are we just Guest: going all the time? Are Guest: you just full out trying to be Guest: effort, effort, effort, and you're Guest: not putting anything into renewal Guest: and recovery? That is so dangerous. Guest: And that's, you know, a lot of us Guest: are just running. We're just trying Guest: so Guest: to, we're all trying to figure it Guest: out, and we just keep going. Kevin: what about so let's let's dig a Kevin: little on that one because you Kevin: don't know you're in jail until Kevin: until you break out so we're going Kevin: to talk about that recovery renewal Kevin: recovery because a lot of Kevin: people may not even know like Kevin: they're saying i'm go go go because Kevin: say, go, go, go, because I've got Kevin: i'm supposed to i'm supposed to Kevin: go like what do you mean i gotta Kevin: recover yeah okay i'm gonna sit and Kevin: to recover. Kevin: i'm gonna go sit here and just Kevin: watch watch the uh tv or i'm gonna Kevin: i'm gonna watch the lights for a Kevin: while i'm gonna sit here just relax Kevin: is that what recovery is Guest: Yeah, it's whatever. So, so they Guest: say that if your baby listens to Guest: Mozart, it will make your baby Guest: smarter. But now what they realize Guest: it's only if the baby likes the Guest: music. So for me, it's like, Guest: you have to find what resonates Guest: with you. So, you know, if yoga Guest: doesn't work for you, well, maybe Guest: nature does. You know, maybe you Guest: like walking the dog, maybe it's Guest: the, you know, Guest: you love being around water, maybe Guest: it is music, whatever that is, you Guest: just have to start to find Find Guest: those things that you're depositing Guest: energy in you, right? You're Guest: enjoying life, and you're creating Guest: but Guest: that hope, Kevin: how do you know it's energy coming Guest: right? Kevin: back to you so so and i'm just Kevin: in Kevin: speaking from experience Kevin: your experience, you say, Kevin: because i'm saying okay i'm gonna Kevin: i'm working i'm gonna sit down i'm Kevin: gonna just relax or just sit here Kevin: now is it just that aha moment just Kevin: kind of taking Yeah. Kevin: a breath ah there my energy's Kevin: coming back or and you don't even Kevin: know we don't even know what's Kevin: coming back but okay i'm back at it Kevin: it again because for from Kevin: Yeah, because for my parents, Kevin: experience sharing and it's kind of Kevin: because Kevin: comes to this is that because i Kevin: don't Kevin: drink alcohol before when i drank Kevin: there was a whole different thing Kevin: it was a whole different feeling Kevin: like how do i recover the morning Kevin: and then because it becomes a Kevin: different story food you don't know Kevin: until you actually have great food Kevin: and what is it you don't know that Kevin: this is Kevin: happening to like the things you Kevin: know that you don't know and it's Kevin: like you're telling me if i eat Kevin: this and my gut health feels really Kevin: good right now that that's what's Kevin: causing it i'm going to to keep on Kevin: that path but we find that we don't Kevin: follow that path all the time even Kevin: well as Kevin: though it Kevin: makes us feel good we fall into the Kevin: bad habit Guest: easy as is to do it's also easy not Guest: to do and a lot of times we're not Guest: doing it so it's there's no quantum Guest: leap okay so there's no there's no Guest: force coming to find us there's no Guest: quantum leap we are the power the Guest: power is within us Guest: and it's small little things you're Guest: going to do consistently over time Guest: so think of it like like Guest: compounding a penny. So if you were Guest: to compound a penny, you'd start Guest: off with one cent, Guest: two cent, four cents, eight cents, Guest: you know, first, it doesn't seem Guest: like a lot. But after 30 days, Guest: you'd have $10 .7 million. And so Guest: it's the same thing, there's small Guest: little things you're going Guest: to do consistently. So that could Guest: be, you know, connect and learning Guest: about the brain, okay, because Guest: there is, the brain requires Guest: things. And when you learn that, Guest: and you learn the science, Guest: and this is a lot of what I teach Guest: is when you learn this then you can Guest: create these habits that feed that Guest: right and so it's serving it starts Guest: to serve you so an example of that Guest: would be Guest: what doesn't the brain know so this Guest: when I do this when I do my Guest: corporate I have this game called Guest: did you know so I have these Guest: questions and I teach you about Guest: what the brain requires Guest: fires. And then once you know, how Guest: can you, you can't unknow. So now Guest: it's up to you. How are you going Guest: to use this? Right? So one of the Guest: questions is what does the brain Guest: not know? Guest: And I always love this because when Guest: I play this game, I see like it, I Guest: see everyone's like, you're just Guest: thinking, Guest: All Guest: right? They're thinking everyone Kevin: okay. Guest: gets a ticket and I have prizes Guest: after and you know, everyone gets a Guest: ticket because everyone matters. So Guest: I don't want to leave anyone out. Guest: But of course, if you get an answer Guest: right you get another ticket and I Guest: give tickets if you're funny and Guest: you're Guest: wrong because I love funny people Guest: and we play this game and it's just Guest: the conversation that starts to Guest: happen and the learning and the aha Guest: moments and they start to realize Guest: right and after Guest: I'm like okay now that you know all Guest: this stuff how are you going to Guest: apply it so what does the brain not Guest: know well the brain doesn't know if Guest: you're telling it a truth the truth Guest: or a lie Guest: It only knows what you tell it. So Guest: the truth. Guest: a mind health skill would be, are Guest: you telling yourself a story Guest: you don't know to be true? Because Guest: that has an impact. on you. Guest: Your psychology, it works with your Guest: biology. So it starts to impact Guest: you. And if you start to tell Guest: yourself a story, I'm going to be Guest: fired. Nobody likes me, right? All Guest: these things that you really don't Guest: know. It's so dangerous Guest: for your mind health so a mind Guest: health skill is stick to the facts Guest: stick to the facts of a story stop Guest: yourself when you're creating Guest: something that's not true do not go Guest: there it's not good Guest: it's very dangerous it's a warning Guest: light so that's just one of i mean Guest: i have a list of them right and so Guest: it's really learning that all Kevin: right so let's do one what Guest: well Guest: ahead Kevin: you did it with the group so let's Kevin: do you want to try one Kevin: well the learning right now what Kevin: you're talking about for your mind Kevin: what do we know that we don't know Kevin: because you do it with corporate so Kevin: to get the little tit so how do i Kevin: get one Guest: oh you Kevin: i'll send you you'll send me one Kevin: okay perfect Guest: no Kevin: because it's interesting because Kevin: when you look at it it's it's Kevin: controlling the narrative uh good Kevin: or bad and so to say all right i am Kevin: the sum total i am going to be the Kevin: best person i'm going to possibly Kevin: today is going to be an amazing day Kevin: i'm controlling Kevin: the narrative here i am waking up Kevin: in the morning and going all right Kevin: it's how does the day look it's Kevin: gonna be beautiful okay i'm gonna Kevin: get out of bed i'm gonna brush my Kevin: oh that's gonna feel do a really Kevin: good brushing my teeth, and then Kevin: all of a sudden, okay, great, oh, Kevin: man, I can't believe Kevin: I gotta go see that guy today, oh, Kevin: man, this is the worst thing, I Kevin: can't believe now, switched it to Kevin: the bad, and it's like, and it Kevin: just, me telling that story right Kevin: now, and listening to what you Kevin: just said, I just felt it in my gut Kevin: right there, that, oh, I'm gonna Kevin: have a great day, and then all of a Kevin: sudden, oh, I gotta go see this, Kevin: and I just felt that, I lost it, Kevin: Yeah, yeah. Kevin: like, I just lost all Kevin: all feeling and emotion man it just Kevin: made me feel blah so the power the Kevin: power of suggestion for ourselves Kevin: and then we're going with it Kevin: yeah yeah Guest: but like i said it depletes you Guest: that all of a sudden now is Guest: depleting you and so if you haven't Guest: deposited anything like that would Guest: really hit you but there again is Guest: there's always an opportunity and a Guest: possibility and that becomes a Guest: skill that you Guest: you develop right it's not Guest: something i can teach right away Guest: but that's the more you know you'll Guest: understand you're like oh right Guest: that's because the brain's not uh Guest: wired for happiness it's wired Guest: for negativity to always be Guest: scanning for danger so you have the Guest: best possible chance to survive so Guest: you're there being happy and then Guest: all of a sudden you're like oh yeah Guest: right i gotta go see this person Guest: because now you're like ah danger Guest: is going down now danger is going Guest: danger right Guest: and so it's being able to think Guest: greater like to be greater than Guest: your thoughts so you have a thought Guest: that thought creates an emotion Guest: then that emotion starts to take Guest: over your thoughts and so you have Guest: have to be greater than that that Guest: and that that takes practice so Guest: that becomes some of the Guest: information like once is or one of Guest: the questions then would be you Guest: know did you know um the it Guest: there's it goes from 60 to 80 ,000 Guest: depends where you look but we'll Guest: just go in the middle you have the Guest: average person has 70 ,000 thoughts Guest: a day right and if our brain is not Guest: wired for happiness but Guest: negativity how many of those Guest: thoughts do you think are going to Guest: be negative and so now they're Guest: they're saying 80 % of our thoughts Guest: are negative. Guest: Now, there's no way to really Guest: measure that they're now saying, Guest: Oh, is that how do we really Guest: measure that? And they're saying Guest: those are like fleeting thoughts. Guest: And now we have, it's called worm Guest: thoughts, like 60, I don't know, Guest: 207. I don't don't quote me, Guest: actual, like thoughts. Guest: But now that you know that, when Guest: you have that thought, Oh, no, I Guest: have to go see that person right Guest: there. You're like, you catch Guest: yourself, I'm going to the the Guest: negative, right? And don't create a Guest: story because I might walk in and Guest: things might be great. Guest: And how am I, what am I going to do Guest: about it? How am I going to control Guest: this? How am I going to go in and Guest: what's my narrative going to be? Guest: How am I going to play a role in Guest: this? What am I going to do about Guest: it, right? It's a power phrase. So Guest: once you, that's how you start Guest: developing these skills, Guest: but we don't have that. So a lot of Guest: time we just go, we go to victim Guest: mode, we go to fear because we're Guest: wired for that, right? The fight or Guest: flight. So we go into fear and we Guest: freeze, but we have to get greater Guest: than that we have to be above that Guest: and that's part of what i teach Guest: those skills Kevin: it's interesting because you're Kevin: saying this and i and i and i don't Kevin: call it common sense because it's Kevin: not common sense because you're Kevin: teaching people this and and i all Kevin: i can get is a visual right now Kevin: because i talked to my daughter and Kevin: i said the power of suggestion Kevin: suggestion, the power of wanting, Kevin: the power of visualization and say Kevin: this. I said, Kevin: you mentioned about 80 ,000 just as Kevin: a quick how many thoughts you get. Kevin: And I said, if you want to control Kevin: the narrative, and I say this to my Kevin: daughter, is that when the last Kevin: time you've gone Kevin: to the mall, how many people, when Kevin: you walk the mall, wear an oxygen Kevin: tank that has the oxygen through Kevin: and then they walk there? So can Kevin: you tell me when you're at the Kevin: mall? Oh, I don't know. I Kevin: didn't see anybody. I said, so the Kevin: next time you go to there, I want Kevin: you to tell me how many that you've Kevin: seen. She comes back and she says, Kevin: dad, you'll never guess. I saw like Kevin: 70 people Kevin: that I had. And then it's like, so Kevin: if you're positive in your Kevin: thoughts, you're going to find all Kevin: the positive things in your life Kevin: and anything that you want in your Kevin: life, that you'll find it and Kevin: you're searching it versus the Kevin: opposite way. And then all of a Kevin: sudden you're looking for bad, Kevin: you're going to find all the bad Kevin: things and not see it. So how do Kevin: bingo bingo just becomes that one Kevin: you control it? And it just Kevin: thing so the power and then you Kevin: listen to you and then hearing you Kevin: say this Kevin: stuff and it's just like oh my gosh Kevin: when now saying all this when at Kevin: one particular moment in time Kevin: you're Kevin: okay you've done your talks okay Kevin: you're in there and you're doing Kevin: corporate that I'll hobble with Kevin: that you just changed the room Guest: what experience for Kevin: was that Guest: oh yeah okay i'm gonna answer that Guest: but can i first talk with the Guest: First off, you buy a Guest: daughter i love that you said that Guest: because you activated her reticular Guest: activating system and that is what Guest: my book is all about so the razz so Guest: think about it it's like you buy a Guest: new car red honda civic right and Guest: all of a sudden Guest: you go on the road and everywhere Guest: is a red honda civic meanwhile Guest: you're like i never noticed this Guest: before how does everyone have a car Guest: so my thing is exactly that it's Guest: like we're not noticing it Guest: we're not noticing it and once you Guest: do notice it you start to notice it Guest: more and that's like it's like you Guest: know it the more you talk about it Guest: the more you you start to notice Guest: and that's all part Guest: of the process so for an example Guest: okay look around this room and look Guest: at everything that's black look at Guest: everything that's black everything Guest: that's black well now you know this Guest: room so this is hard close your Guest: eyes tell me something that was red Guest: i Kevin: Oh, Guest: that would be great, because I know Guest: know because you know no that's Guest: this room. Guest: brown because you Guest: know that but most people be no Guest: Oh, gosh. Guest: because that they're just looking Guest: Correct. Guest: at black black black do Guest: you know what i mean and so it's Guest: that you know that that that i love Guest: that you did that and that's the Guest: thing what i'm doing with happiness Guest: is just waking up your reticular Guest: towards that and you're going to Guest: start noticing it more you're going Guest: to have your own aha moments you're Guest: going to learn Guest: stuff about yourself you're going Guest: to start to and you'll be like wow Guest: and that really works and I wasn't Guest: as stressed that time or I just Guest: kind of feel chill or I was able to Guest: problem solve that or I don't feel Guest: like I'm I'm not worthy like it'll Guest: it things will just start to happen Kevin: interesting you said red and I'm Kevin: thinking this and it's not even red Kevin: but actually you know what the when Kevin: you said red first thing that Kevin: popped into my head and I looked Kevin: right at you is your red Kevin: there you Kevin: lipstick and it was like bang and Guest: go Kevin: then all of a sudden now we become Kevin: so self aware at that that time Kevin: that you said oh I can't find it I Kevin: didn't see it now it just popped Kevin: and and it's like laser -focused on Kevin: it. Guest: yes and now you're paying attention Guest: what a difference. Guest: so that's what i'm saying if i Guest: think. Guest: start bringing this to you Guest: start learning all this stuff Guest: you're just going to start paying Guest: attention to this more your Guest: awareness and like see you can't Guest: unknow it and and it just you're Guest: going to notice more of those cars Guest: you're going to notice more how to Guest: get how you know you're going to Guest: notice how to advance Guest: your happiness or your mental Guest: health right it's really what i'm Guest: saying and i'm saying the same Guest: thing well my health because i Guest: Because I don't think it's a good Guest: don't i don't really use the term Guest: mental health to be honest Guest: with you I think the term needs it Guest: word. Guest: Mind health. Guest: needs a whole makeover Guest: Yes. Kevin: it Guest: needs a makeover and we need to get Guest: rid of the word mental that is not Guest: a good word on it's just not and so Guest: what is mental health and that is Guest: something I ask people that's part Guest: of what I'll say because the first Guest: step is we need Guest: to create common language we do not Guest: have common language so until we Guest: have common language we're not Guest: going to move we don't have it in Guest: the system whatever if there's a Guest: system I don't know if there's Guest: really but you know we don't have Guest: it in health care common language Guest: we don't have in the Guest: the community we don't have in the Guest: workplace we don't have we need to Guest: create common language is that Guest: first step it is so so important Guest: it's understanding that is Guest: important because Kevin: with Shed Talk, and we talked about Kevin: Shed Talk and we do Men's Night, Kevin: the movement and stuff. It wasn't Kevin: Shed Talk. Kevin: Why don't you guys come to a mental Kevin: health night at Chet Talk, nobody Kevin: would ever show. Like, it's like, Kevin: the wording is so wrong. Kevin: oh Guest: i've still stopped using it because Guest: as soon as you say that everyone Guest: just steps back i have a cousin Guest: who's like a super creative he's a Guest: creative director it's super Guest: talented he says I keep wanting to Guest: do that ad, you know, run for Guest: cancer, and you see tens of Guest: thousands of people Guest: lined up run for mental health, and Guest: nobody's there. It's still it has Guest: such a stigma. And if you really Guest: look at the term, it's all about Guest: well being the terms well being Guest: it's about being able to, you know, Guest: participate in life show up for Guest: life, really, but it's not. Guest: And so I'm like, we need to name it Guest: the really the way it is. So Guest: proactive mind health is Guest: prevention. Guest: It is proactive that's my term it's Guest: mind health. Guest: it's well -being and it's and if Guest: you're struggling i call that a Guest: brain Guest: health challenge because that's Guest: what our brain health issue that is Guest: what you have you have something Guest: with your brain it is a medical Guest: thing you have to right but this Guest: mental is it and i'll ask people Guest: okay when you hear the term mental Guest: health do you think of sickness or Guest: wellness Guest: and most people will say sickness Guest: and yet it is about wellness like Guest: it's just it's just confusing to Guest: people and I really think it the Guest: Well, yeah. Guest: whole needs a whole new makeover it Guest: needs a whole new lens of Guest: what this is and then it has it Guest: requires a whole new I don't get me Guest: started down this rabbit hole Guest: because it needs to be treated Guest: differently than physical health Guest: mental health like for example Guest: if you're struggling you should not Guest: have to go into an emergency room Guest: where there's other people with Guest: physical there should be a if I had Guest: all the money if I win that big Guest: lottery I am building the Guest: the mental health emergency room Guest: where you go in it, it's, you're Guest: told the minute you get there, Guest: you've come to the right place, Guest: we've got you. And that it's Guest: immediate, you don't have to wait Guest: there, you don't have to suffer Guest: behind your eyes, like it's just so Guest: compassionate and loving. And from Guest: the time you get in there, they Guest: start feeding your gut health, they Guest: start, you know, you're in Guest: a nice environment that feels safe Guest: and loving. And it's, you know, Guest: inspiring, whether it's lots lots Guest: of nature there. It's color, it's Guest: texture, lots of art on the wall. Guest: There's science behind Guest: all of this, right? And then Guest: there's no, you're going to go and Guest: you're going to, you're going to be Guest: released from the hospital and Guest: you're going to go straight home. Guest: There needs to be that happy home Guest: in the middle where you're going to Guest: go and build skills and tools. Like Guest: it's just, I just, Guest: yeah, I see it in such a different Guest: way, but you know, I, I saw my Guest: family go through it and I saw what Guest: didn't work and uh so yeah they're Guest: just i yeah no Kevin: no and it's amazing because as as Kevin: i'm sitting here and i'm listening Kevin: to you and i'm visualizing this Kevin: because i'm thinking of the Kevin: hospital as men and i'm getting Kevin: into older gentlemen in 50 plus 55 Kevin: plus and suicide rates and then all Kevin: of a sudden when all of a sudden Kevin: they're going to Kevin: a place just to go to the hospital Kevin: you're right you you're you're just Kevin: put along the cattle line and say Kevin: okay we can get you in there versus Kevin: to ask a better question to have a Kevin: place where they Kevin: can actually go and say here's Kevin: here's where it's safe for you in Kevin: that environment to have a Kevin: conversation Kevin: yeah Guest: you Guest: it's just bro and i am not here i Guest: am not a whistleblower i'm not here Guest: to criticize i'm i'm very much uh Guest: open to understand that we're just Guest: under -resourced for what this Guest: really is Guest: you know it's it takes a lot it Guest: know Guest: takes a lot of time it takes a lot Guest: of money we're just under Guest: -resourced right so it's nobody's Guest: fault it just is the way it is but Guest: it breaks my heart when Guest: my heart i Guest: When I hear people, they, you know, Guest: landed in the hospital and they Guest: were suicidal and they're out in 48 Guest: hours with like, you know, you can Guest: go home. It's like, oh, that Guest: doesn't that's not how there needs Guest: to be a more process to that. Guest: And I mean, that's on the reactive Guest: mean Guest: side, which I really am not. So I'm Guest: careful not to go there. These are Guest: just my personal opinions of if I Guest: was the ruler of the earth and I Guest: had unlimited funds, I would so Guest: revamp this so much, but I'm not. Guest: And and so what can I do instead? I Guest: can be over here and I can teach Guest: people skills and tools and I feel Guest: like what I offer is that Guest: again I don't if you're suffering Guest: you need to go see your doctor I'm Guest: not your unicorn however what I Guest: offer is for everyone because I Guest: want somebody to find something Guest: that aha moment where they break Guest: through and they go oh this is Guest: hopeful there is maybe something Guest: possible and that's magic and And Guest: I've been able to do that. And Guest: that's magic when that happens, Guest: when you know you can touch Guest: somebody. And back to your Guest: question, Guest: when you said the corporate piece, Guest: and say, Guest: what happens? Guest: I'll tell you, I'm a bit of a rock Guest: star after I do this. People, I Guest: think what my superpower is, I Guest: create safety and trust through Guest: that you can't shock me. Guest: And I get lined up and people want Guest: to start just pouring their stuff Guest: out to me. Can I go for coffee? Can Guest: we, thank you so much. thank you Guest: for saying that I blah blah blah Guest: you know they want to share and I Guest: get a lot of men Guest: and they read their their ones can Guest: we please go for coffee and they Guest: start saying stuff right and it's Guest: incredible how I get to see that Guest: that's you can't give me a million Guest: dollar check I mean Guest: I'm getting shivers right now it's Guest: beautiful when you know that maybe Guest: you've brought hope to somebody and Guest: yeah Kevin: interesting because a lot of men Kevin: when when you you're doing this Kevin: talk like you're talking right now Kevin: and i'm listening to you and how Kevin: many men actually don't have anyone Kevin: to talk to to tell that story, what Kevin: you just said today, Kevin: and then just the visualization Kevin: that you're not alone, and then all Kevin: of a sudden mental health, that Kevin: it's okay. Kevin: So when you're doing these talks Kevin: with a corporate level, Kevin: obviously corporate has their own Kevin: mental health organizations Kevin: within their organization, but Kevin: we've found that a lot of men will Kevin: not use the mental health Kevin: organizations in their facilities Kevin: is because they feel that they are Kevin: being judged they are oh they're Kevin: going to know that i took this and Kevin: there's something wrong so it's Kevin: trying to get men to communicate Kevin: knowing that this is a Kevin: factor but we need to build Kevin: something else outside of that so Kevin: they can actually come and have Kevin: that conversation and still feel Kevin: safe but you don't have to worry Kevin: about your corporate on that side Kevin: you Kevin: I Kevin: understand where i'm Kevin: totally Guest: know what you're saying. And that's Guest: exactly what I am working to do, is Guest: to integrate this more proactive Guest: approach. So everybody matters. it Guest: belongs to everybody so if you're Guest: struggling you don't have to come Guest: forward and say oh or Guest: whatever that you know there's Guest: there's still that unknown that Guest: uncertainty and and that stigma Guest: there's still the stigma right and Guest: if you're able to just be everybody Guest: this is available to everybody Guest: the impact you can have is huge you Guest: never know what's going on behind Guest: someone's eyes and you never know Guest: the ripple effect of something and Guest: so we really I mean I hope I get to Guest: see it in my Guest: my lifetime, marked here that it is Guest: I'm not a kid that Guest: prevention is the hope. And Guest: corporations have to start waking Guest: up. And this is the work I'm doing. Guest: And do you see the lump on the side Guest: of my head? Because I just banged Guest: my head against the wall. And I Guest: really do believe most leaders want Guest: to do better. I really do. I Guest: believe they don't understand what Guest: that really means, right? Guest: And again, it sounds scary. Like, Guest: are you going to hurt my people? Guest: Are you going to come in? Are you Guest: going to change everything it's Guest: like, no, that's not the way it has Guest: to be, right? It's just be open to Guest: what this is. But Guest: then I'll hear leaders say, Oh, Guest: well, you know, if someone's Guest: struggling, we've just upped our Guest: benefits to 2000 from 1000. And I'm Guest: like, Guest: yippee, that's great. Don't get me Guest: wrong. That's great. But that tells Guest: me how much you know about mental Guest: health, because somebody could Guest: spend that money in one week, if Guest: they have to seek treatment or Guest: something, you know, services Guest: outside of what's Guest: offered. And it could take them 10 Guest: years or a lifetime recover. Now Guest: what? Guest: Now what? Don't wait for that to Guest: happen. Like take that proactive Guest: approach, set people up, create Guest: that environment. Guest: You know, I don't think it's, it's Guest: not corporate responsibility. Guest: You're not, a corporation's not Guest: responsible for the people's Guest: happiness, but it is responsibility Guest: to create the environment for Guest: people to thrive. And so what will Guest: that look like in your Guest: organization? Again, just like Guest: everything else it's a snowflake so Guest: until I get in and just figure out Guest: you know what's all that it's Guest: custom Guest: created per per organization but Guest: yeah it's it's time we need we like Guest: I said this needs to be integrated Guest: into schools into corporate culture Guest: we know to start talking about at Guest: the dinner table Guest: and I know how to talk about it and Guest: talk about it more in an hopeful Guest: way right to bring that hope so so Guest: I do happiness coaching I have like Guest: a 30 days to happiness and when Guest: people come to me and And they'll Guest: share, I need to know your past. Guest: And they'll start going, they'll Guest: start going. Guest: I'm like, oh, no, no, we don't go Guest: there. I don't need to know all Guest: that. You are so stuck in the Guest: rearview mirror. I get that. If you Guest: have trauma and whatever, whatever Guest: that is, you do need to go, you Guest: know, to a therapist or whatever. Guest: That's not what I do. What I do is Guest: we're going to look out the front Guest: windshield and I'm going to focus Guest: on what's great about you. Guest: I'm going to focus on what's the Guest: possibilities and the Guest: opportunities. And we're going to Guest: start to bring that out. And you Guest: know what starts to happen when you Guest: do that? Guest: This starts to diminish. Guest: This starts to diminish. Because if Guest: you break it down, break it down, Guest: every person who's struggling, Guest: again, I don't believe I matter. Guest: I'm not lovable. Some unresolved Guest: past trauma. Guest: It's that. So if we can, you know, Guest: make someone feel lovable, make Guest: them feel seen or heard, make them Guest: feel like they matter, it's a game Guest: changer. People can switch like Guest: that. and how Kevin: interesting because when we go back Kevin: 50 years ago to where we are today Kevin: and how much more we've talked we Kevin: talked more about it it's more open Kevin: now to be able to have this Kevin: conversation that we're more self Kevin: -aware and then we talk about Kevin: charities there's charities Kevin: that they're really good charities Kevin: but they're all known for raising Kevin: money so you say oh here's a Kevin: charity and i'm not going to say Kevin: names or anything like that because Kevin: the idea is that here's a charity Kevin: we raise money we're raising money Kevin: they're great at fundraising Kevin: oh we're we're amazing and i'll use Kevin: because i'm in mental health is Kevin: that also we're going to do say Kevin: mental health but it's but it has Kevin: nothing to do with that you're Kevin: great at making money but let's Kevin: actually get to the real reason and Kevin: then create like what you just Kevin: talked about that Kevin: communication to get there why they Kevin: want to feel loved why they want to Kevin: feel present that has never ever Kevin: been said, versus, you know what, I Kevin: need money so that we can help men Kevin: that get to this. It's no, let's go Kevin: the other way, okay? Kevin: Let's take the therapy, let's take Kevin: this to them versus them coming to Kevin: us and asking a better question, Kevin: controlling the narrative, and see Kevin: what we can Kevin: do to change. Because your goal and Kevin: ambition, when you look at this, Kevin: and thank you very much, is about Kevin: the bigger picture, is that how our Kevin: health care could change to do Kevin: this. If I had all the money in the Kevin: world and had all the power in the Kevin: world, this is how we would do it, Kevin: which which is beautiful, but we Kevin: have to start with one conversation Kevin: that we do here. Kevin: you Guest: know I love that again I you know I Guest: I choose I choose because it is a Guest: choice to always see the the good. Guest: But I also don't have blinders on, Guest: right. And so I thought for years, Guest: I would find Guest: a place to make a difference in Guest: somewhere in the healthcare system. Guest: So like, you know, I was approached Guest: to be a mental health first aid Guest: instructor. I'm peer support Guest: trained. Guest: I was part of a, a initiative that Guest: came out of, well, it originally Guest: started out of the Mental Health Guest: Commission of Canada. And it was, I Guest: loved what they were doing. And Guest: they would come up with like Guest: like an initiative. And then every Guest: city across the country would have Guest: like a lead person that would Guest: implement this. And I was one of Guest: the lead people in Calgary. And so Guest: they came out with a Guest: teen suicide campaign. And this Guest: campaign, I can't say this on air, Guest: had a really dark name to it. They Guest: spent hundreds of thousands of Guest: dollars on this campaign. But it Guest: came across wrong, Guest: because it came almost across like Guest: um that you're faking it like it Guest: was faking thing and i and i Guest: recognized this right away and they Guest: wanted this in all schools and i Guest: was like i don't know any Guest: school that's going to allow this Guest: campaign around suicide and so i Guest: said well let's let's keep this Guest: let's keep let's follow this but Guest: let's just rebrand it and i said Guest: let's call it you matter Guest: to me because really i think if Guest: someone's struggling they need to Guest: know they matter and and they need Guest: a hug. They need to know, I got Guest: you. Those are the best words you Guest: could say is, I got you. Or the Guest: best words you could say to someone Guest: is, I love all of you. And say Guest: that. Guest: I love the good. I love the bad. I Guest: love all of you, right? And so I Guest: said, let's call it You Matter to Guest: Me. And we, I was covered on, you Guest: can still Google it, front page Guest: cover of the Herald did Guest: an article. I did a pep rally at a Guest: really popular high school. It was Guest: so well received. We talked about Guest: the power of music we had got Guest: healthy food for the kids we had Guest: communication we had a photo Guest: booth and my takeaway that day was Guest: 2 -1 -1 at the time so if you're Guest: not feeling like yourself at least Guest: call 2 -1 -1 and just start there Guest: like call somebody and making it Guest: feel safe right super Guest: successful and turned out that Guest: months later there was a child in Guest: the this class that was in the Guest: hospital and all the kids came Guest: together and they were so Guest: devastated and they all got Guest: bracelets and they all wore their Guest: bracelets to school and it was this Guest: connection like it felt like there Guest: was this hope right and and then Guest: that night I did a big uh an adult Guest: event at the National Music Center Guest: and it was all in the power of Guest: music and just having this Guest: conversation and I felt like Guest: it was such a such success and and Guest: in the end I was the last soldier Guest: standing in the group because every Guest: I was the only person in the Guest: community on this group and Guest: everybody else was from a non Guest: -profit Guest: it and they all came to me and they Guest: said Karen we we can't do this this Guest: You're just going to be on the Guest: this goes against our Guest: ground. mandates and it could ruin Guest: our funding so I was on my own and Guest: so that was the day I said to Guest: myself I am meant to be my own Guest: soldier out there and do my own Guest: thing and I'm going to be about Guest: prevention Guest: and proactive so that was kind of Guest: what really kicked it off for me so Guest: so I hear you when you're saying Guest: that too and and I've I've been Guest: asked to sit at a lot of tables I Guest: have been asked to sit Guest: at a lot of tables and it's the Guest: same thing it's the same Guest: conversations and we're kind of Guest: dinosaurs in this area and I and I Guest: just got to ask this question if Guest: what we have been doing all these Guest: years was working then why is Guest: then why isn't it helping? Guest: mental health going in the wrong Guest: direction that's that I'm just Guest: going Guest: to say it there so we need we need Guest: to we need to think differently we Guest: need to think differently we need Guest: to think about possibilities and Guest: opportunities that Kevin: is absolutely wonderful. You know Kevin: what? Thank you, Karen. Kevin: This has been an absolutely Kevin: wonderful experience having you on Kevin: Shed Talk with Kevin Haldi. Kevin: howdy Like, share, subscribe, see Kevin: where it is. But before we go, Kevin: Karen, how do they find you? Guest: uh hapafighthub .com but can i do Guest: one little plug Kevin: so Kevin: Of course. Guest: november 4th i am hosting the pause Guest: at azur ridge it's a one -day Guest: retreat and it is going to be Guest: experiential so if you want to come Guest: and build skills and tools and Guest: explore i highly suggest um i in Guest: the corporate work that i do so Guest: there is a conference in europe Guest: called happiness camp so it's Guest: europe's largest well -being in the Guest: workplace conference and this year Guest: i was asked to be on the reset Guest: alliance so i am uh there's 130 130 Guest: of us from 45 countries. Guest: And I think there's, as far as I Guest: know, there's only two of us from Guest: Canada. And so I was all part of Guest: this conversation. And you're Guest: talking from Disney, TikTok. I Guest: mean, you can just go on their Guest: website and see all the companies Guest: that were there about the future of Guest: workplace well -being and human Guest: work that's Guest: sustainability and what the hope Guest: is. So I got to be at the table Guest: with Guest: some of the biggest brains. Guest: And the conversations we had are Guest: incredible about the hope. and i'm Guest: bringing that conversation to yyc i Guest: am on a movement to get companies Guest: to stand up to get people to do Guest: this and i just invite everyone to Guest: come along i'd love to see them Guest: there and just Guest: come see what's possible come Guest: experience the hope so happifiedhub Guest: .com Kevin: november 4th make sure you go Kevin: go as a ridge calgary Kevin: azurage Guest: as a ridge it's on their website as Guest: well too what a beautiful place to Guest: come for a pause for what we were Guest: talking about and just but and Guest: everything we're doing this just Guest: when we were Guest: talking about that how do you know Guest: so i'm a researcher so i'm not an Guest: expert in any one area i know a Guest: little about enough but i know Guest: enough to be dangerous my thing is Guest: i'm a connector so i go Guest: out and i research the best and the Guest: brightest and then i connect you to Guest: them and that's what that day is Guest: going to be everything is backed by Guest: science everything is like modern Guest: spirituality and science are Guest: thank Guest: finally coming together and we are Guest: going to take you on a journey that Guest: day and we're going Guest: going to show you what's possible Guest: and then we're going to empower you Guest: to what you want to take away from Guest: it so yeah thank you very much yeah Guest: thank you Kevin: you guys on shed talk Guest: there Guest: you go yeah