Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Happiness Over Perfection: Mindful Parenting & the Power of Gratitude with Stef Tousignant

Transcript

Happiness Over Perfection: Mindful Parenting & the Power of Gratitude with Stef Tousignant · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:10
  Hello, feel podcast, audience, welcome back this week I am here
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  today with Steph to Cygnet. If you are a mom in the world,
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  you want to know this woman, if you are a woman in the world,
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  you want to know this woman. I met Steph as she reached out
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  to me. And asking, you know, hey I'm
• 0:32
  doing this thing. I've got a new podcast, I have a
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  book and I want to talk to the moms out there.
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  I would tell you women of all ages, these tools apply to you
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  and and I had not heard of stuff yet, so I'm like, hey, give me
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  some time to take a look at your information and I'll get back to
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  you next week and so she has a podcast called parenting
• 0:57
  differently with gratitude. You can find it on.
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  Her website pairing different parenting differently.com, it'll
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  be in our sources. It's on Spotify.
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  I mean, anyway, your list of podcast so I jumped in.
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  I listen to some podcasts. I took a look at our website
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  because I get a little cringey with not hear the word gratitude
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  because I'm like, latitudes great.
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  But are we feeling all of our emotions?
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  Because I did a whole episode for those of you who have been
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  with me in season 2, about weaponize gratitude, because I
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  think there's a lot of spaces where it's And and we are told
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  not to feel all those other feelings just be thankful.
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  And so I'm like I need to like vet this and make sure it's not
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  that message because I feel very strongly about that and I was
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  like two minutes into the trailer and like this is my
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  girl, I could do this. This the way he's going to pop.
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  This is so healthy and so important because gratitude is
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  important and and how we do it is important and she does a
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  whole she has weekly Mantras. She talks about mindfulness.
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  She talks about the fact that we are not broken.
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  She has a saying that I love is, you are a good as fuck Mom.
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  I'm like, yes, yes, I am. And it's just so I was like,
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  this is so balanced and encouraging and intentional.
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  She said to weekly intentions, she talks to you about setting
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  intentions because we can talk about all the things in the
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  world. We want to do, but without
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  intention behind it. Especially in that busy season
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  of motherhood. It's not going to it's not going
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  to happen. And so she talks about that and
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  I was like two episodes in. I'm like, oh yeah this is
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  absolutely a conversation. We have to have it ties in so
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  well with our talking points, she talks about, you know,
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  putting yourself first and finding your identity outside of
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  being a mom. I'm like, yes.
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  Yes. Yes.
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  My kids are in their 20s. Now, where was this woman?
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  When I was trying to tell myself these things but I wasn't
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  hearing it from The Cult. Or that I was living in.
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  So, so so excited to share stuff with you today.
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  And don't you worry, all of these things I'm talking about
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  are going to be on our website. On our sources page will promote
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  him throughout the week, on our social media, you can find us on
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  all the social media platforms. You can see us on YouTube, as
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  well as all the podcast platforms and you're going to be
• 3:25
  have access to all this information from stuff.
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  Step describes herself as As caring curious and empathetic
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  Stef, welcome to the field podcast.
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  Thank you. I'm like overwhelmed by that
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  introduction but I tried one of to do this Justice.
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  This is just so cool what you're doing.
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  I love it so much. We're going to jump right into
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  the talking points because I am really intrigued.
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  I learned a little bit about you obviously through listening to
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  the podcast and reading through a website.
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  But I'm really intrigued on how you got to this space today
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  where you're helping. Arms and and helping women.
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  I'm going to say helping women. Women stay tuned of all ages.
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  You all have something to learn here from this, and it's really
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  important. The other thing that I loved
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  about your podcast episodes is their short.
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  So when you get in the car and you're driving to Gymboree, or
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  you're driving to the music lesson or you're going to pick
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  them up from preschool, you can pop this in and have it listen
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  to you. By the time you get to your next
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  space and you'll have great information for the day.
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  So I love At to. So I wanted to throw that in
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  because I love that. But welcome, welcome, welcome,
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  7. So happy that you're here.
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  I'm so thankful you reached out to me.
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  So let's start right off the bat with how to prioritize self-care
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  on your life and what that looks like for you because I think
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  it's so important. You address this right up front
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  early on in your podcast. But tell me about your journey
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  in this and how you got there. Well, I suffered.
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  Yeah, that's great isn't usually how we get there.
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  Yep. Yeah.
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  And I had to go through a lot of enough is enough moments to
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  really get to a place where I was like, whoa, this is just not
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  working self care for me, had has little to do with the acts.
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  Like they we are taught as a culture and a more to do with
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  the mindset and there's money on the guests that have said this.
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  I'm not the first one, but Coming from a place of, I'm a
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  bad mom. Every single day, made
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  everything worse. Mmm.
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  Yeah. So I needed to get to a place
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  where that mindset mindset was, I'm a good mom, that makes
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  mistakes. Yes.
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  And I took, you know, it took a very committed practice which I
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  use gratitude for but it was about that shit.
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  Shift and it yeah it was being patient and setting an intention
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  like you said and really being like purposeful with my thoughts
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  and the way that I looked at a bad situation or tough situation
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  and evaluated it. Yeah.
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  And so self care for me, is not any kind of act or any kind of
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  thing. It's a mindset.
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  Yeah. And it's like deliberate.
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  Deliberate mindset and Recognizing the one that you
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  have already and saying, okay, this might be where I need to do
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  some work and then setting a goal for what you want instead.
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  Yeah, yeah. And it makes I think that
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  intention behind it, like I said earlier you've got to have a
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  plan in place or it's just going to be a thing you want every
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  day. But there's not going to be any
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  intention in starts with recognize that, like, this isn't
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  working, I need to do something different.
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  And then setting that intention behind it.
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  And you give such practical tools for that, I just so yes
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  again listeners. I know, I keep saying this, but
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  take a listen, great tools, great tips.
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  And a lot of what we're going to be talking about today, he in
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  just making that attention. Prioritizing, that that's not
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  selfish, it's important. It makes you a better human.
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  It makes you a better woman and makes you a better mom partner
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  friend, all the things and you will, you know, it because it
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  gives you something to give from.
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  And so so important. All right, confidently, setting
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  boundaries. Because you're doing a lot of
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  things now. And so, what does that look like
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  for you? What's interesting about
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  boundaries is that people always say you need to have them,
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  right? Yeah.
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  And then it's like but why why don't I have them right?
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  I mean for me it was a hundred percent because I was
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  perfectionist. Mmm and so my boundaries were
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  around my lack of boundaries was around the idea that I needed to
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  be perfect. And so I'm honored Myself for
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  that cause no one else did it to me.
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  Didn't let him felt that way in the past, but no sirs doing that
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  to me. I was murdering myself for the
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  goal of perfectionism and Perfection being perfect, is an
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  unachievable goal. And so, here you go, we're stuck
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  in this cycle and it's not just a cycle of wanting to be amazing
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  and good in the best mother ever or the best woman ever.
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  Even it's The shame that comes when you don't achieve that and
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  they get into the spiral and you don't it's not an upward spiral
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  you don't go anywhere. It's really not great but the
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  boundaries come from accepting the fact that you're not going
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  to be perfect and like that's that's in its own self.
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  It's little practice. Yeah.
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  And I use the Mantra and I use the mantra.
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  I don't have to be perfect to be made.
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  Mmm, and it's A way to shift my perspective and to remind myself
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  to actually the goal is to be imperfect.
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  Yes. And I can achieve that every
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  day. Yeah, right.
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  Yeah. And so boundaries have a new
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  meaning to me because what I'm doing is I'm saying, instead of
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  saying yes, I'm going to say no to that and I'm going to say no
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  to that because I don't need to be perfect.
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  I don't need to do everything in column A at for wife, everything
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  in Be for woman everything in column, C for mother.
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  Everything in column, D for worker.
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  I don't need to do everything in all of the columns.
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  Yeah, I can pick and choose and my and the way that my
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  spreadsheet fills out if you want to go, there is uneven.
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  Yeah, and that's okay, that's the goal.
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  If my spreadsheets full and perfect, mmm, something
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  something is happening here, that's not, you know, on the
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  sheet. Exactly, and exhaustion and not
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  showing up as your best self. And yeah, I think I love you.
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  Say something that I think is so important that you've chosen
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  happiness over Perfection and I think that is like, oh my God
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  and I think to, you talked about something really important.
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  We feel like we have to be this way.
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  I think we forget as women that we have choices regardless of
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  what's being told us around it. We have a choice, whether we're
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  going to buy into that or not, we have a choice.
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  There's a lot of pressure and you go you have your when your
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  latest episodes talks about comparison and the danger of
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  that, and we're not meant to walk.
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  Somebody else's walk Were Meant to walk our walk for our life,
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  for our family, for our kids and in ourselves.
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  And I so I loved that. How you chose on Mike that is
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  just so important, take the pressure off and realize that
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  you have choices and and utilize those choices.
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  And I think Think that? Figuring all that stuff out
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  comes from learning how to take a moment and self-reflect.
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  Yeah, yeah. And underneath everything, we
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  probably talked about today is going to be those moments
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  because he can't just figure this stuff out.
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  No, I did not know that I did not, like, decorating my house
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  for every holiday. I grew up with a parent.
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  That's a that was a teacher, we celebrated every single holiday
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  to the max. Yeah, I thought this is what you
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  did. Oh I did that first check seven
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  years of my Parenthood and it was a lot with two kids and
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  full-time job. You know it was a lot.
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  Yeah. And it only, it only changed
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  when I stopped and I took a minute and I said, Is this what
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  I really want? Yeah.
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  Do I really care about this? And it was like, oh no, I really
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  don't like, this is a lot of time space in my house and makes
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  me feel stressed because there's extra clutter, then it takes
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  time after the the holiday to take down and then I feel the
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  pressure to get to a clean house after it.
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  It was making my life a little bit more chaotic than necessary.
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  You know what I discovered when I put that It down and it took a
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  few years and my children grew up, my kids chose the holidays
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  that they really liked and then they start going.
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  Oh, I love that. I know.
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  And now I have this like 10 year old who's insane about
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  Halloween, this is Halloween, he does it up and I'm like, okay,
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  and I go all in on Halloween with him, but, you know, I don't
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  do it for him. I'm just there, I'm like, oh,
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  I'll put a nail here or I'll buy you some more.
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  Like crows. He's like I need more clothes.
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  Like, okay. You know, it's so it's it's a
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  totally different experience and I would not have gotten there.
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  If I hadn't sat down and said, is this making me feel good,
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  right? It takes two seconds to be
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  mindful. You talk about about mindfulness
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  and, you know, like what is my body?
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  How does my body feel right now? I might just seized up and tense
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  and trying to. Whip this out or am I feeling
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  some calmness and some joy and some enjoyment?
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  And I love how you flipped it to now, your son loves Halloween
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  and something you guys are doing together.
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  So you know, it's completely flips the script on that and
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  he's going to remember that and have that such a great memory of
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  you gave him and trusted him with that, with that passion
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  with that intention. You gave him some freedom to
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  express. That's so cool.
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  I love how you flip that but it is it's just taking 30 seconds,
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  even Sometimes and when I let go of the perfectionism around the
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  date core, the other thing I gave to him was he could do it
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  whatever way he wanted and I yeah there.
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  Yeah. It was like what it looks like
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  this is still putting on Instagram because I'm proud.
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  Yeah, yes absolutely I love that.
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  That's so much. And that just does so much for
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  kids as they're developing and how they feel about how they
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  express themselves. And the confidence with which
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  They're able to do that with. I love that.
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  There's so much in that. All right, taking care of our
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  emotional health as much as our physical health and what are
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  some practices that you use to process your emotions in a
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  healthy way? So they don't become stored up
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  in your body and that's tough to do when your mom.
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  You're just like, especially in, you have a whole episode on
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  sleep. I mean, all these things that
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  are happening, sleep, deprivation, and, and I think we
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  lose sight of the burnout and the I meant I don't know if
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  that's a word that we can feel not just as mom's bit as women
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  trying to do it all and stepping back at like we got to take care
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  of these things or they're going to show up later.
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  I mean that's what happened to me is.
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  You know, I landed in the ER at 50 years old with all this
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  unprocessed emotions that were showing up his physical symptoms
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  and there was nothing physically wrong with me.
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  It was just a boatload of you know 30 plus years of
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  unprocessed emotions. So talk to me about your journey
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  with that. I talk I All that your enough is
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  enough moment. Yeah.
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  And I've had three or four of those and ignored most of them
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  or or I got to them and said, but I don't know what to do now.
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  Yeah, right. So I got going looking outside
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  myself the whole time of course. And my final, my final one was I
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  was working at a start-up 60, 70 hours a week.
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  I had two kids under the age of And a husband who work 12-hour
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  days. We lived in the most expensive
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  city in the country and it was so insane, but I was doing it
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  supposedly. And my body said no and it was
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  the same. My body said, no, no, you're not
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  and my, I lost my, I lost feeling in my entire left arm
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  and thing you body for not doing my right arm because I had kids,
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  but yeah, my entire left arm was done and I went to a masseuse
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  and she Said, you need to learn to breathe.
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  It was like, whoo. Yes.
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  Right. I park that.
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  Something about that. Yes, we don't.
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  We, we don't breathe. When we're stressed in, that's
• 16:44
  where I got told to start doing breathing.
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  Exercises, every hour to stop and do some box breathing.
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  So I hear you and my kind of we would not follow so interesting
• 16:54
  because she was like I really can't do any work on you because
• 16:56
  you're so tense and I was like, okay and she's like and I think
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  you should probably try some really restorative yoga.
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  And so I started going to yoga And I was like, oh this is
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  really nice, it feels nourishing and I started looking into
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  meditation more deeply because when you're in the long poses,
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  that's what you're doing. And meditation really was
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  interesting to me and but that it was not, it was bringing up a
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  lot of really tough things and that's what happens when you
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  decide to wade into the water, right?
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  I mean, let's be honest. And so I was like you need to
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  get a therapist. I'm so I looked, I found a
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  therapist that that had a meditation background that was
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  very into mindfulness, and I've been working with him for six
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  years. We just don't even get a
• 17:44
  yesterday. He's like, how long are you
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  coming? Like six years.
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  He's like, wow. Yeah, you've grown stuff and
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  yeah, everything changed because I decided to go there.
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  Yes. And I gave yourself permission
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  and I was courageous and it, yes, takes a lot of courage to
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  do that. It Is dicey in there, you know,
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  it's still dicey. I have a lot of my own stuff.
• 18:11
  I'm working on and it's but it's there and so I like to look at
• 18:16
  now that I've kind of invested a little bit of that time in
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  myself and I found that it wasn't actually scary.
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  I mean it was hard but it wasn't.
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  Yeah detrimental. All motions are welcome, yes.
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  And there's no such thing as a bad emotion, their signal
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  comfortable. And yes, I'm comfortable.
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  It's absolutely that's where it is.
• 18:40
  Yep. And I just actually edited a
• 18:43
  episode of the podcast. That's will be out when this
• 18:45
  comes out that it we'd I did a visualization with people where
• 18:49
  I said, okay, take a neutral object in your house just like a
• 18:52
  hair tie, take that stressful situation.
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  You've been thinking about, let's Infuse that hair tie with
• 18:58
  the stressful situation. Let's get it down in a neutral,
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  place in your house. Now let's take up like a
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  ChapStick another neutral atom and fill it.
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  It with everything positive that you're looking forward to
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  tomorrow, right? And now place that on the
• 19:10
  windowsill next to the hair tie and I want you to look at them.
• 19:15
  Their belt when they're, they're both part of a well-lived life.
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  They are both not better or worse than one another.
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  They just are and sure you can pick one up and feel their
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  intensity and you can pick up the other one and feel the
• 19:29
  intensity. But in reality their intensities
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  are actually the same chemical makeup that goes through your
• 19:35
  body. Mmm, that's just been proven.
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  It's like exciting stress. Same exact thing in your body.
• 19:42
  Yeah. And so and you could put in the
• 19:44
  show Notes that study. But it's just when we look at
• 19:49
  those stressful emotions or the uncomfortable ones, and the
• 19:53
  comfortable ones is both welcome, everything.
• 19:57
  Just becomes a little bit easy, yes, and yeah, quit fighting it.
• 20:03
  Yeah, and temporary right, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
• 20:08
  No, I know it. I've been in therapy.
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  Well, my third round of therapy but this one I've been in three.
• 20:14
  Years. And it was just that whole you
• 20:17
  said something so important earlier.
• 20:18
  They just are and my therapist kept working with me cuz I was
• 20:22
  very hyper Vigilant eye. Very much rated types of
• 20:26
  emotions, and the way I experience them in terms of
• 20:30
  importance or, you know, all those things.
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  And I was able to finally be like, I can sit in all of this
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  and welcome it all, and process it all, and something that it's
• 20:43
  really helped me. I I will write down how I'm in
• 20:46
  my journaling. I write down.
• 20:47
  How I'm feeling today every day and it's all the emotions that
• 20:50
  I'm feeling and everything. So I think that's really
• 20:53
  interesting, is every single day.
• 20:56
  There is room in all of it for being grateful, for being
• 20:59
  thankful for being hopeful. Those are always in their every
• 21:03
  day. But so is like I'm feeling
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  anxious. I'm really tired.
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  I'm discouraged and identify all those different things, so I'm
• 21:11
  not denying anything and it allows me to welcome.
• 21:14
  Them all in and that has helped my gratefulness and might just
• 21:19
  whole practice of this. That realization as I used to
• 21:22
  not to dualistic thing and we can sit and feel all those
• 21:25
  things. So thank you for sharing, your
• 21:28
  thoughts on that. And yes, we've, that study will
• 21:30
  be in the show notes because it's so important.
• 21:32
  When you look at that, I saw it. When it first came out, I was
• 21:34
  like, that's so interesting because that is not what our
• 21:37
  minds are telling us about that. But yet, here it is, showing up
• 21:41
  chemically in our body, the same exact way, I like that.
• 21:44
  Fascinating body is fascinating and but we got to listen to it
• 21:47
  and see it as our friend and see those emotions as signals of
• 21:52
  things that need to be walked through and dealt with.
• 21:55
  Thank you so much for sharing that.
• 21:56
  All right, how can we support ourselves and other women and
• 22:01
  living and apologetically? And you're kind of you're doing
• 22:04
  it. Like you're doing it, like
• 22:06
  you're literally like, walking this out.
• 22:08
  So talk to me about that and how you got to this spot of?
• 22:11
  Like I think I can help here. Well, that's yeah, we should
• 22:16
  start there. I am, actually a professional
• 22:18
  nanny of 20 years, so I've been working with families for a long
• 22:23
  time. Sure.
• 22:25
  Being that support system, being that, that shoulder to cry on.
• 22:29
  And the person that, like, literally tells people know
• 22:32
  that's normal. You're doing okay, mmm.
• 22:35
  That's your job. Right.
• 22:37
  Right. No, that's normal.
• 22:39
  Oh, your child's wonderful. What?
• 22:41
  No you're doing. Great.
• 22:42
  And so I'm That's my background. And I love to say that what I
• 22:48
  cut when it comes to supporting ourselves in other women.
• 22:53
  We could talk about comparison again, right?
• 22:56
  Aren't but II like to spin that around and I like to say,
• 23:02
  Melissa and I, and all the other moms, you know, we all chatted.
• 23:06
  And we all agreed that you're fucking awesome.
• 23:10
  And the thing is, is that is that moms are always jealous of
• 23:15
  each other because we think other moms are amazing.
• 23:19
  Yeah and we're missing that part like we're so and let's be
• 23:24
  honest shame as is very seductive so you know yeah I'm
• 23:28
  not going to overlook that. It's extremely seductive.
• 23:32
  But if we can look at or if we can listen to our bestie when
• 23:36
  she says you're doing awesome and actually take it in as true.
• 23:41
  Yeah. Yes it's not a big deal.
• 23:43
  Comparison is just other people telling us that were awesome.
• 23:48
  Oh I love that. That's such a great flip.
• 23:51
  Yes. So important and just an idea of
• 23:53
  like you can take this thing and make it whatever you want it to
• 23:56
  be and what it should be and how its healthiest for you.
• 23:59
  I love that. Such thank you so much for It's
• 24:02
  all right, the importance of setting and coming back to your
• 24:05
  y /, your values and everything you do.
• 24:07
  And I kind of, you know, how do you, how do you identify that?
• 24:11
  And, and set that stage for yourself and, and your family
• 24:16
  and the choices you make So what's interesting is that for a
• 24:20
  long time when I was really hitting those enough is enough
• 24:22
  moment and I didn't know what to do.
• 24:25
  I went through the books, I went and ebooks, I went to Parenting
• 24:28
  workshops. I furthered my career as a nanny
• 24:31
  actually like it was good, but I was so, so still struggling and
• 24:37
  the reason I was struggling is because one I was being
• 24:42
  unintentional, right? I was just trying to fix, fix
• 24:45
  fix fix and I was running. This is not right.
• 24:48
  I know it's not right and so I really found more found more
• 24:57
  strength. Once I decided that I wanted to
• 24:59
  be a better parent and I know that that sounds like not so
• 25:04
  great but it was a great place for me to start because what I
• 25:08
  did was I slowed down enough to actually just be intentional so
• 25:14
  there's that. But as I went along my journey
• 25:17
  and I Ready? Just to look inside, instead of
• 25:21
  outside myself, I realized that being a better parent, really
• 25:26
  was actually just as hurtful because that meant I wasn't one
• 25:32
  right, so, right. And so I needed to relook at
• 25:37
  that intention and really decide what did I want?
• 25:42
  And so for me, I took the parent right out.
• 25:45
  I said I need to just look at what I want.
• 25:48
  Like me. Yes.
• 25:49
  And I just wanted to be a happier human.
• 25:52
  Mmm. I just wanted to be a happier
• 25:55
  human and things like holiday decorations and you know PTA
• 25:59
  meetings weren't making me happy.
• 26:01
  Yeah, they just weren't. And so I was like, I need you to
• 26:05
  stop doing these things and I am.
• 26:07
  So my attempt, my intention became to be a happier, human.
• 26:12
  Mmm. And That was so much stronger
• 26:18
  than my drive for Perfection ever was and my need for being
• 26:23
  better or to fix because it changed the lens.
• 26:27
  I viewed all my choices through. Yeah and so now I call it my
• 26:33
  good as fuck mom intention and I think I moms and all women goes
• 26:38
  fuck women should set an intention and really like let's
• 26:43
  name it that because it Really takes.
• 26:46
  It gives an importance it makes absolutely.
• 26:50
  Yeah and it also you know like I look at it I check it a cut you
• 26:55
  know every year and I make sure does this feel right to me and
• 26:59
  it still does for sure. Yeah I think I think that's so
• 27:03
  important in just two it's like this lineup and if it doesn't
• 27:06
  line up all right that that's not where we're going and that's
• 27:09
  okay because it doesn't matter. What Susie next door's doin.
• 27:11
  She's got it covered for me. I don't need to cover
• 27:13
  everything. Yeah I love that.
• 27:15
  That's no good. All right it's living out of
• 27:19
  your own expectations. Versus others you talked about
• 27:24
  in the podcast as your podcast about how I've been a nanny for
• 27:28
  all these years which automatically means parents will
• 27:30
  be easy parenting. What I would be wonderful
• 27:33
  because I've got all this experience so you had your own
• 27:37
  expectation. You're dealing with not to
• 27:38
  mention expectations of the world in General on women.
• 27:41
  So talk to me about expectations and learning how to live out of
• 27:44
  your own adjusting them accordingly and versus others.
• 27:50
  Yeah, I think that it's not really about too high or too low
• 27:54
  of expectations and it's about learning how to ground your
• 27:59
  expectations and your intention. Yeah, I mean, our happiness is
• 28:07
  all held at the mercy of always trying to control an outcome.
• 28:12
  Right? Yes, take a chance.
• 28:14
  So if you are trying to control an outcome, Yeah, no, no, it's
• 28:21
  not going to turn out how you think it's going to turn out.
• 28:24
  And so we have to be intentional about even our expectations and
• 28:32
  as a parent that is actually a great thing to do with your kids
• 28:35
  to write because having this having cultural, this is a good
• 28:40
  example, having cultural in expectations around your kids,
• 28:44
  sometimes could set you up for failure or feeling like to teach
• 28:49
  my ten-year-old, how to tie your shoes.
• 28:52
  I don't think I told my I didn't teach my 14 year old how to tie
• 28:55
  their shoes, his shoes either. Yeah, I said, you know what?
• 29:00
  I'm having I'm struggling with this.
• 29:02
  This is the busiest time of day for us.
• 29:04
  We're trying to leave the house and I'm trying to teach
• 29:06
  something and they're not really into it.
• 29:09
  Like they do. They're not like and it could
• 29:11
  have been my delivery because I was rushed, who knows?
• 29:14
  And I was like, this is something where I'm going to
• 29:18
  say, no. I'm going to ground my
• 29:21
  expectation and what I want. And what I want is to get out of
• 29:25
  this house without making these children upset and sad before
• 29:28
  they get us to school, just because I'm getting more and
• 29:33
  more triggered, right? Right.
• 29:35
  And so, I bought them slip on shoes.
• 29:36
  I brought them well crows shoes and they wore them for years.
• 29:40
  And when they were ready, they learned how to tie their shoes.
• 29:45
  Yes. No no.
• 29:47
  My youngest his best friend taught him.
• 29:50
  Yeah. Works fine.
• 29:52
  Pick take. Absolutely.
• 29:54
  The cultural expectation. That it's my job to teach them
• 29:58
  that. Not necessarily lyrics.
• 30:01
  Not a world in which we have no shoes with velcro anymore,
• 30:06
  right? Absolutely.
• 30:08
  This is, this is a world in which we can totally wear slip
• 30:12
  on shoes until you're 30, like, happiness.
• 30:15
  You not an issue. My younger one doesn't ride a
• 30:18
  bike. He doesn't We have not been able
• 30:21
  to do that as a family with him not happening.
• 30:25
  My older one rides a bike, not an issue.
• 30:28
  We've decided that that's how it is, right?
• 30:31
  And ah so it's not really Like I sometimes I want to say like
• 30:36
  lower your expectations to Mom's just because I feel like we do
• 30:40
  put a lot of expectations on our kids, but I think that we really
• 30:45
  need to look at that more. Like I said, it's you got a
• 30:48
  grounder expectations, ground your expectations in their
• 30:51
  development, ground stations in empathy, ground your
• 30:56
  expectations and compassion. There's other things that you
• 30:59
  can ground your expectations and besides the cultural norm Yeah,
• 31:04
  I love that. And those are two great examples
• 31:06
  of just Timeless and expectations that have been out
• 31:10
  there. And it's, that's just so
• 31:12
  important, they these random, I mean, and I had, I saw it with
• 31:15
  my own kids, my my oldest. She literally just taught
• 31:19
  herself how to tie her shoes, and she did it at an early age
• 31:23
  and I was like great. Okay, my middle one wasn't as
• 31:27
  concerned about it. I think her and her best friend
• 31:29
  worked it out by second grade but it was you know, just wasn't
• 31:32
  something. She was losing sleep over and I
• 31:35
  think that's another thing. Look at your kid to and where
• 31:37
  they are, every kid's wired differently wants different
• 31:40
  things cares, about different things.
• 31:43
  And and so, you know, take a look at that to some of them
• 31:48
  care more about riding bikes and doing those things and other
• 31:51
  some of them are like just not my thing.
• 31:53
  I'd rather just run around and be on my scooter and throw on my
• 31:56
  velcro shoes and call it a day and be perfectly happy.
• 31:59
  And there's nothing wrong with that.
• 32:02
  And I think too especially when you get, you know, my My
• 32:03
  youngest she was just trying to keep up with the other two.
• 32:06
  So she wanted to do all the things because she would, you
• 32:09
  know, because she was just chasing after and wanting to be
• 32:12
  part of what they were doing. But yeah, even look at each kid
• 32:14
  in but I love that you spoke to those two things.
• 32:17
  I think it's so important. We put so much pressure on
• 32:19
  ourselves and how many times have we seen the kids on the
• 32:22
  sidewalk crying? They're trying to parents are
• 32:26
  behind about the bike, and nobody wants to be there, but
• 32:29
  they feel like, oh my God. That was like, Putting up
• 32:34
  Christmas decorations, like screaming and crying and like,
• 32:38
  flipping out. And it's like, what?
• 32:41
  But the other. The other example I use for
• 32:44
  expectations and it's more a mindset thing for moms or even
• 32:47
  really just anyone is, is the idea that we have to cook seven
• 32:51
  nights a week. Yes.
• 32:53
  And then, if we order takeout, we are lazy.
• 32:56
  We literally call ourselves, lazy, and I hate that word.
• 33:02
  Oh my God, or Let's look at the week and let's say out loud.
• 33:07
  Do I want to cook every night of the week?
• 33:09
  No, I don't. Okay.
• 33:12
  Do I want to get take out two nights a week?
• 33:14
  Do I want my partner to cook one night a week?
• 33:16
  Five night nights a week. Right?
• 33:19
  Is the next step here and then ask when you have grounded
• 33:23
  yourself in that conversation and those expectations that two
• 33:28
  nights a week. We're getting take out one night
• 33:30
  a week. I'm cooking two nights your
• 33:31
  work, you know we figured that out.
• 33:34
  The lazy word goes away on the night, you get take out all of a
• 33:38
  sudden is your free really? Yes, the best because I'm
• 33:43
  getting takeout because it's our night to get takeout.
• 33:45
  You know, you're not lazy. That's just part of the routine.
• 33:50
  Yeah. It takes a shame out of it too
• 33:52
  and just because I don't like to cook.
• 33:54
  I do not like to cook my husband.
• 33:57
  Currently does most if not all the cooking.
• 34:00
  There was a time for about 10 years where I did more of it
• 34:03
  because I was at home and he was still working the time.
• 34:06
  The kids talk about that they're like, oh, remember when Mom used
• 34:09
  to cook? You literally had like a three
• 34:12
  or four meal rotation because that's it just all I wanted to
• 34:16
  do but I love that. Let's just name it.
• 34:19
  Call it take the shame off, it take the expectation.
• 34:22
  Often what works for our family. What works for me?
• 34:25
  What works, you know, I love that great sessions.
• 34:28
  I'm so glad you brought that one up.
• 34:30
  All right. Accepting the layered aspect.
• 34:33
  Of ourselves. That's all the stuff that makes
• 34:36
  us who we are. Talk to me about your journey
• 34:38
  with layers. That's an interesting one
• 34:42
  because I think that without my gratitude practice, I wouldn't
• 34:49
  have been able to get to where I am with my identity work.
• 34:54
  So making a list so it typically I make a list of five to ten
• 35:00
  things. I'm grateful for every morning
• 35:02
  and I do change. Because you have to really focus
• 35:04
  on the intensity over the number making that list taught me to
• 35:10
  look over my yesterdays and to really see what was working and
• 35:14
  to let go of the Tantrum and Target or what was clouding?
• 35:18
  My mind. And when I did that it made me
• 35:22
  actually like a lot more mindful.
• 35:25
  I mean, it. Yeah, it just had to because I
• 35:27
  was like, in moments and going. Wow, this is going to be good
• 35:31
  for my gratitude list and during That time I realized that I
• 35:38
  wasn't just type a mom. So I've always considered myself
• 35:43
  a type, a mom and I use it in a positive way now, but I wasn't
• 35:49
  just a type, a mom. I actually am very much, a free
• 35:54
  spirit and a type A. So I'm a type, a free spirit,
• 35:59
  and I don't need to deny either. Parts of the those parts of me.
• 36:06
  Those parts of me can be together.
• 36:09
  I know they feel opposite but in my body and in my soul, they're
• 36:15
  not there. What Ming's Mimi and there is
• 36:19
  room for, and Mmm, there's not. It's this is that and versus or
• 36:25
  conversation and I think that we have many layers that we deny
• 36:31
  because they don't feel like they fit even if they are true,
• 36:37
  right? We decided to test can be
• 36:40
  internal rights because it feels weird.
• 36:42
  Like, how can ya free spirit and be super type A and have like
• 36:48
  keep a spreadsheet of like Christmas gifts?
• 36:51
  And it's like I II don't I don't know but that's what I do.
• 36:57
  Yeah. Yeah it's yeah it's really like
• 37:00
  but without that mindfulness to notice and to come to a place of
• 37:05
  acceptance around that I would be still fighting that battle
• 37:09
  inside. Yeah, I love that that place of
• 37:12
  acceptance and I also love to how you identify, those two.
• 37:15
  Very, it seemed very different things, but I also remembering,
• 37:18
  we might show up in one context, with our girlfriends in, One way
• 37:21
  and show up with our kids in another way and with our
• 37:24
  partners some other way in our job some other way and those are
• 37:27
  all parts of us and we don't have to show up the same way
• 37:29
  everywhere nor nor should we or were truly not dive into all the
• 37:33
  pieces of who we are. But I it begins with that
• 37:36
  acceptance and being okay with that.
• 37:38
  And and I think two practices you put into place just are so
• 37:42
  helpful in that space. And we remember to, you know,
• 37:46
  you talked about curious as one of your character traits
• 37:48
  continue to be curious. Can you to be look at your days
• 37:53
  with curiosity, not criticism, change your c words.
• 37:58
  And you know instead of being critical, be curious, how did I
• 38:02
  get here? What, and what I learned from
• 38:05
  that and moving forward that I can, maybe if I want to show up
• 38:09
  differently, can or I can see it coming but trading and you know,
• 38:13
  criticism for curiosity I think is really important in our
• 38:16
  layered journey to and then that helps us to be grateful rather
• 38:20
  than Beating up on ourselves, it's all tied together and just
• 38:23
  goes back to that, taking time to be mindful and reflecting
• 38:27
  that we talked about earlier, all right?
• 38:30
  And living out, feel finding empowerment, embracing layers.
• 38:34
  How does this affect your relationship with yourself and
• 38:38
  then in turn relationship with others?
• 38:41
  Yeah, I mean, I think that it comes down to acceptance.
• 38:44
  Mmm, it's so interesting. And I mean, we have been in the
• 38:50
  past three or four years, Years. We've been through a lot as a
• 38:53
  society and I fought it for so long when the pandemic hit, and
• 38:59
  it was so hard for me, especially being a type-a.
• 39:03
  Sure. And I had after, you know,
• 39:07
  things died down and my kids went back to school.
• 39:09
  And my husband, finally, went back to work.
• 39:13
  I had these Whiplash moments where he would stay home, you
• 39:18
  know, you didn't want to go in, so he would stay home.
• 39:21
  Or my kids would be sick and I would get like, almost like this
• 39:26
  panic panic inside where I was like, this is gonna, it's gonna
• 39:31
  happen again. I know it's going down.
• 39:32
  It's going to leave, while one's going to leave.
• 39:34
  I'm never going to get anything that I want done.
• 39:37
  I can't nourish myself. I like, it was very much
• 39:41
  post-traumatic like panic and yeah, it took It took the
• 39:48
  practice of really noticing those negative X in really
• 39:53
  saying, okay just, you know, allow breathe be there, and it
• 39:58
  took time and between those two. Now when I, when my husband says
• 40:05
  not, it's raining, I'm not going to work today.
• 40:07
  I'm like, okay. And I actually really mean it
• 40:10
  great. Like I actually, I'm like, I
• 40:13
  don't care. Still.
• 40:14
  Yeah. And it's like oh shoot this is
• 40:18
  the captain's and action. Oh yes my kids are home because
• 40:24
  it's crazy right now and it's just like it's the winter and
• 40:27
  they're getting cold and I'm like, okay, you know, let's
• 40:30
  let's pour play a board game and I put aside my work and I
• 40:34
  because I know I'm gonna get back to it and I know it's going
• 40:36
  to be okay and And it. It's yeah, that's what the work
• 40:43
  can give you that the end result.
• 40:46
  Is this? Like everything's going to be
• 40:49
  okay. Mmm.
• 40:51
  Yes. You live in a part of the
• 40:55
  country that shut down. Like, yeah.
• 40:58
  Shut down for a long time probably longer than most most
• 41:02
  of their spaces. Yeah.
• 41:04
  And so that can be really hard on a day-to-day basis.
• 41:07
  They say a lot. Times in Parenthood that the
• 41:10
  years are short. But the days are long, the days
• 41:13
  are long. And when you, and especially
• 41:16
  when you're dealing with the unknown and where you can't see
• 41:20
  an end in sight. So I think that's such an
• 41:22
  important time. I know why I think everybody in
• 41:25
  some form took stock of their life and where they were, and
• 41:29
  what was making them happy and what wasn't, and what was
• 41:32
  working, and what wasn't? Because we had time to sit and
• 41:36
  think for a moment and And that got very uncomfortable at first
• 41:42
  like we reflected on earlier, this is not easy work but also I
• 41:46
  think some really important practices for individuals and
• 41:49
  Collective groups. Organizations came out of it
• 41:52
  that they're they're make us better feeling about our life
• 41:57
  about how we're going about it and learn things about ourselves
• 42:00
  and forced us to peel back some layers and like, okay, what do I
• 42:04
  need to do to embrace this? How do I find in power?
• 42:08
  In this moment where it feels like a total frenzy and I've got
• 42:12
  no endgame end mark of with this is going to switch over and then
• 42:17
  I think you deal with something too and I had a conversation
• 42:20
  with this with Sarah from clay Health a while.
• 42:23
  Back about how this is, we're going to see some effects of
• 42:28
  this in. Our children are teenagers are
• 42:31
  twenty-somethings. Adults are kind of working
• 42:34
  through it right now that are going to be really interesting
• 42:36
  to see how it unfolds over the Years.
• 42:39
  Because and it all depends on the dynamic.
• 42:41
  You worryin. How your family's handled it?
• 42:43
  What you had available to you, but it was an interesting time
• 42:48
  and I love how you speak to that how you were able to just kind
• 42:50
  of journey through that. And and be like okay and the
• 42:54
  PTSD, I think you know, people talk about that.
• 42:57
  They're all right we're back let's go and they don't talk
• 42:59
  about the PTA has if it comes with it, that has to be dealt
• 43:02
  with. Yeah and it was it was shocking.
• 43:08
  Yeah, it was. Yeah, for me.
• 43:11
  I yeah. And but I also was so
• 43:14
  incredible. Incredibly grateful for all of
• 43:16
  the research I had done on mindfulness and gratitude during
• 43:20
  the Pan. Am I really being Taipei?
• 43:23
  That's what I did. I wrote 500 Words a day.
• 43:26
  It was the thing that kept me, sane, because I needed a
• 43:29
  schedule, I needed a goal every day, and it was my way of
• 43:33
  carving out a little bit of something for me, something that
• 43:38
  I I'd feel like I was contributing and to give back
• 43:41
  and also just to learn and grow during this time.
• 43:45
  That felt so tight and really, with no space to grow.
• 43:49
  And so thankfully, that is what helped me with my post-traumatic
• 43:54
  growth in the end. It was like I planted the seed
• 43:58
  and now it's sprouted and it's such a so different now, and I'm
• 44:02
  so grateful for that. It's yeah, so grateful for that,
• 44:06
  I wouldn't want to ever do it again.
• 44:07
  But yeah. Yeah.
• 44:08
  Yeah, exactly. Exactly is a silver lining.
• 44:12
  Yeah. No, absolutely.
• 44:13
  I think a lot of people feel that way and.
• 44:15
  Yeah. And it just how it work is.
• 44:17
  Look how its evolved now and what you're doing now.
• 44:20
  So yeah. I and I can relate to that.
• 44:22
  That's kind of similar to where I'm at.
• 44:23
  All right. We're down to the rapid-fire
• 44:27
  name. Five activities.
• 44:29
  That nourish you. So, I paint and I specifically
• 44:35
  made my hours. So I would definitely say
• 44:37
  painting flowers, walking outside.
• 44:40
  I do my hot mom walk every day as I call it and baking with my
• 44:46
  kids. Yeah, baking.
• 44:51
  And really, I take really long hot baths and I cherish them
• 44:58
  because we're in a drought. So it's like, you know, every
• 45:00
  once in a while. While and I really love it.
• 45:04
  And the final one is oh I've started to do this thing where I
• 45:08
  danced in the kitchen and it's my way of saying it's my way of
• 45:15
  practicing imperfect parenting because I do it in the kitchen
• 45:19
  because that's where all the like to dues are you know, and
• 45:24
  sort of like the fu full sink and dirty floor and clutter on
• 45:28
  the dining room table and turn up.
• 45:31
  The Taylor Swift and let's go. Absolutely well and I'd love to
• 45:36
  it's good for our kids to see us having fun.
• 45:39
  I think as parents sometimes we forget that we get to who can
• 45:43
  still have fun being a parent, but so many times and I was
• 45:47
  guilty of that and I grew up in a household where my mom did not
• 45:52
  have fun and there was no fun. And it was like, so, so good for
• 45:56
  the I think for to see that. And remember that part of
• 45:59
  yourself because that's, that's part of who we are.
• 46:01
  And it's An important part. I think it keeps us grounded.
• 46:04
  All right? Five words on how you want to
• 46:06
  feel the next 6 months. Huh.
• 46:11
  I think it's much more of the same.
• 46:13
  I mean I want to feel kindness and compassion gratitude and I
• 46:22
  want to feel inspired and I want to keep, I want to keep the
• 46:29
  feeling of of enough. Hmm.
• 46:33
  Yes. I love that.
• 46:35
  Where I love that enough. Yeah.
• 46:37
  And that if we could absolutely, if we could keep that at the
• 46:41
  Forefront Or front instead of this more, but no enough enough.
• 46:45
  I love that. Thank you so much.
• 46:48
  That's what a practice of gratitude does, right?
• 46:50
  It turns what we don't have into and what we don't, what were
• 46:54
  wanting, what were wanting we say?
• 46:56
  Forget it. And we turn and we look at what
• 46:58
  we already have as enough. Yeah, yeah.
• 47:02
  And who we already are as enough, I think that's fun part.
• 47:06
  Absolutely. Oh right step, thank you so much
• 47:08
  for this time today. This is so So valuable what
• 47:12
  you're doing is so important podcast audience.
• 47:15
  Again, go to our show notes, go to our resources, on our
• 47:20
  website, embracing layers.com, check us out on all the socials.
• 47:24
  We will have all of this information will be sharing
• 47:27
  throughout the time, leading up to the episode and the two weeks
• 47:31
  where it's the main episode that we're featuring so many good
• 47:34
  things. Check out what steps doing?
• 47:36
  Listen to the episodes with a woman at any stage in your life,
• 47:40
  this stuff Helpful. This stuff is important.
• 47:43
  It ties into keeping us grounded and keeping us focused on all.
• 47:49
  We bring to the world and the good and how we're made is is
• 47:53
  valuable and important and unique and enough.
• 47:56
  I love that I'm going to that's going to be my takeaway.
• 47:59
  As we wrap this up is in, is the enough piece.
• 48:02
  So thanks so much stuff for this time.
• 48:06
  Like I said, audience, you don't want to miss this stuff.
• 48:08
  It is great tools, it's great information.
• 48:11
  Nation its practical. It's a applicable and so make
• 48:15
  sure you go to her website. She's Got blogs.
• 48:18
  She's got all kinds of tools on there that you can participate
• 48:21
  along with her on this journey. And if you have any questions
• 48:25
  about any of it, you can email us embracing layers at
• 48:29
  gmail.com, you can DMS at embracing layers and when we can
• 48:34
  get you connected, but thanks again.
• 48:36
  Steph for your time today and podcast audience have a great
• 48:39
  week