Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Matt Shaves His Bush & The Scots Invade Boston

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Matt Shaves His Bush & The Scots Invade Boston · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

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Paddington the bear, the marmalade making bear, there's
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no way he's going to survive in New York City.
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They're going to gun him down. Welcome back to What the Heck
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with Matt Bellassai, a podcast about what the heck is going on,
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what the heck is happening and all the things that make me say
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what the heck? We made it.
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We've entered, I don't know, Week 7 of Pride month and I'm
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tired. I'm tired of all these gay
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activities, gay tivities. I went to a pride party this
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past weekend and I was doing things that I should not be
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doing as a, as a ripe old 35 year old.
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My body is not built for some of these activities.
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A jello shot. A jello shot is not for someone
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who's in the double digits. A a, a jealous for 9 year olds,
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honestly. Yeah.
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I think the only people who should be be getting drunk off
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of jello shots are like toddlers.
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They were good, though. They were so strong.
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They kept being like, no, there's only like one shot per
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jello shot. And I was like, you got the math
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wrong. Gay people can't do math.
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You're putting gay people in charge of making drinks for
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everybody and you're expecting me not to walk out there
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stumbling back and forth? No, I was fighting for my life
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off those jello shots. They were pretty looking.
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They they were it look like a little rainbow and I'll throw up
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a picture on the television of the jello shot that I took one
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of many. I will say when I tell you I got
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back to my apartment and ordered what can only be described as a
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illegal amount of Burger King to be delivered to my apartment.
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Folks, you have truly never sunk as low as I have because they
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had guess what? Buy one get one free Whopper
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offer on hand. Did I get 2 whoppers?
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You better believe it. Did those things last the night?
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Not at all. There's no way that you can eat
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2 Whoppers and then look people in the face the next day.
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There's no walk of shame worse than having eaten 2 Whoppers, 2
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Burger King Whoppers. You eat 2 Burger King Whoppers
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in one night on on your couch, in your underwear, and then you
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try looking people in the face the next day.
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You can't do it. I'm stronger than everybody
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else. So yeah, I ripped a bunch of
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jello shots, drank. We went to, we went to some
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bars. It was too crowded.
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Everybody is trying to go to the same 3 bars.
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They're super crowded. Everybody's fighting for their
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life just to get to the front of the line to order from the
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bartender. Of course the the bartender is
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like a burlesque go go dancer. And I'm trusting this man to
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make a drink for me. And he's like, do you want to
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double? Of course I want to double.
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I've been waiting in line for 30 minutes.
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I may never come back. And that's how they get you.
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And then before you know it, you're laying prone on the
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sidewalk because you've fallen violently off your city bike.
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Now I made it home, I got my Burger King, and it was
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incredibly shameful. I think there's surely a Bible
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verse about how I'm going to hell because of the Burger King
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stuff and not not the gay stuff. Listen, I'm going to need Burger
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King to step their game up RE me because I've been putting in the
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work for Burger King. I've been putting my reputation
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on the line for Burger King for, I don't know, over a decade and
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they've they've shown me nary a sesame seed of attention.
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I was going to bat for Burger King when no one else was.
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I do love that Burger King has this whole new campaign that
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they're trying where it's basically like, hey, remember
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when you used to fucking hate us?
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Remember when we were disgusting?
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And I was like, I was there for you then and you're not even
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going to pay me any attention? Burger King, they should be
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sponsoring this podcast. First of all, step one, Step 2,
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they should send me more stuff. Make me king for a day.
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They used to have that king, you know, that was in the
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commercials and apparently everybody hated him so much that
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they were like, we killed him. We took the king out back, we
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shot the king and now we are are good again.
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That's their whole branding at this point.
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And it's like Burger King, I was there for you.
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There used to be a 24/7 Burger King.
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Outside of that was like the closest fast food place when I
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was in college. And so that's where I always
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find out. It's like it's kind of like that
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thing of like what do they, what happens to babies when they have
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it's like imprinting on babies because I was imprinted on
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during college by the King, by the 24 hour Burger King.
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They used to have a bouncer at the Burger King.
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That's how it lit. It was at the 24/7 Burger King
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near my college. I was putting in the hours, that
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was the era when they had a triple whopper and I was getting
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a triple. I got a triple whopper once.
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You only make that mistake once. The triple whopper should be
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outlawed if it wasn't. I mean, they the the guy who
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made super size me should have focused on one thing and one
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thing only, and that's the triple whopper.
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Remember when they were like, he kind of made that all up?
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That movie was revolutionary. Super size made.
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Remember Super size me where the guy was like, hey, I'm going to
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eat nothing but McDonald's for 30 days and then see what
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happens to my body. And then all of the doctors were
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like, I mean, yeah, you're dying.
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And then it turns out he was like a severe, like, addict or
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something. Or it was like, he had, he
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basically, like, cut out a bunch of substances that he had been
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taking. So his body was revolting for a
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number of reasons, not just because he was eating burger,
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eating McDonald's, Freudian slip.
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See, my brain wants Burger King. I'm just saying I've been doing
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the work to support Burger King for years and they're showing me
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no love. The the King should be right
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here in this apartment on his knees, kneeling to me.
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But yeah, I got 2 Whoppers. I only ate one.
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I was like, I'm going to save the other one.
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And then like 20 minutes passed and I was like, well, it's right
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here, It's right here. And I kind of want a one bite.
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I'll take one bite out of the second one.
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That's how it gets you. That's how it gets you.
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And then before you know it, you're taking the last bite.
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Shamefully, tears running down my face.
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But that was also the night that the Knicks won, so I was a
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celebratory whopper. You watched the game?
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I like, had it on TVI was so hungover.
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I could barely keep my eyes open.
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I was so hungover my brain hurts.
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So my brain hurt. You know, when you're hungover
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and your brain hurts. So here's The thing is like, I
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haven't really been drinking. I mean, some people think that I
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like became sober. All power to the people who are
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sober. I've been drinking, I've been
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drinking, I've been drinking in the words of Beyoncé.
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And but I mean, like, I just like haven't really drank that
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much over the last like 5 year. Like I feel like since COVID,
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because I was sort of like, I cannot be drinking just by
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myself in my apartment during quarantine.
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And then, you know, we'd entered the picture and I was like, I
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ate this. I can do this and not be
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hungover. I would say recently it feels
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like I've been kind of partaking.
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I've been imbibing in more spirits and it's been going
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well, except for Pride night, where I was violently hungover.
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Yeah, no, I mean, I will say the next morning I felt great
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because by then I'd been through the worst of the hangover.
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The one thing I don't like is like, I don't know what I'm
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allowed to take Tylenol. I don't know the difference
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between Tylenol and ibuprofen. They're they're giving it.
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They're coming in all types of genders.
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There's different jingles that people have to learn.
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Like one of one of them is for pain above the neck and one of
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them is for below. I don't know.
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I need some type of Mucinex creature to tell me what what I
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need. That's you got to give it up to
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the Mucinex guy, gay icon, honestly, queer icon, the
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Mucinex monster. Nobody's doing it like him.
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Also, I woke up in the morning and the bartender from the bar,
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I'd followed him on Instagram because he was hot and he had
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Instagram called me 3 thrice. What?
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But he didn't follow me. So I was like, oh, so you were
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lurking on my profile and then you didn't hit the follow
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button, but you, you Instagram called me 3 times.
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So I, I message him. I was like hey, So what the fuck
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was that? And he wrote back and was like,
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I honestly have no idea. And then he still didn't follow
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me. And I was like, OK, so I hope
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your go go career never takes off.
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Actually, no, he's not obligated to follow me.
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But really it's like, what is what is the point?
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Who is using the Instagram phone call feature?
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I don't know who is making phone calls on Instagram, but it will
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not be me. I've gotten I've received them
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before and it's it's I'm I've never answered and I never will
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unless someone really good calls me anyway.
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It's also getting too hot outside.
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It's starting to get too hot and I'm uncomfortable.
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And I'll tell you one thing, if the air is not going to be
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conditioned, do not invite me. I will not be attending.
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You should say it in the party full.
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Tell me what what temperature the room will be at and if it's
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above 71°, you can delete my name from the invite list
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because I will not be there. Some people are playing fast and
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loose with that temperature setting on the air conditioning.
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It's too hot. And I will not fucking fight
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with people who say, oh, it's too, yeah, I don't want to be
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cold. No, we, we've settled this
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debate once and for all. The second they invented coats,
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OK, you lost the argument. Buy a jacket, buy a cardigan.
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Bring it with you if you're one of those people.
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Oh, I'm always fucking cold. I don't give a shit.
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OK? Some of us are walking around
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with sweat under our tits and it's too much.
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It is too much. And I'm, I'm sweating my Dick
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off in a very uncomfortable way. Do you know what type of chafing
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occurs on a person with my thigh girth?
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But no, it's getting too hot. It's, it's already the beginning
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and it's, it's getting too hot and people are playing fast and
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loose with that thermostat in a way that I can't support.
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Not to be crass, this is a family friendly podcast, but the
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the thermostat should the perfect temperature you we have
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to say it 69°F. What the heck is going on this
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week? Have you seen this Scottish
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people are sort of invading Boston in a way that I
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personally find delightful and hilarious.
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I could not imagine. I mean, I guess there is like a
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pretty strong Irish contingent in Boston, but in the same way
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I, I feel like in the same way Boston Irish people are kind of
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like Long Island Italians. I feel in, in the same way that
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like, you're not Italian, like you have created your own
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culture. You're barely Irish.
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But anyway, the real Scottish people have been shown up into
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Boston for the World Cup and there's just a lot of hilarious
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content. They're walking around with
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kilts just through the forest, Braveheart style.
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My favorite video that I've seen is people in kilts going down
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the iconic Boston Cop slide. For the unaware, of course, the
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Boston Cop slide is, I don't know, I would say the eighth
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wonder of the world. I would say it is sort of like a
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historic landmark. I would say it is possibly
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greater than the White House at this point.
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Like people need to be making pilgrimages to the Boston cops
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lie. We just need to play the video.
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I need to pull up the the OG Boston cops slide video.
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It is. Oh, I was like, Oh my God, my
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phone is ringing. I thought, I thought, I, I
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thought I Facetimed someone. That's a nightmare.
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I did think one time, and this is kind of the first time I'm
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publicly admitting this. There was one time where I was,
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I was like getting into the shower, Dick out, balls out.
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And I had my phone in my hand and I looked down and I had
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Facetimed someone I worked with and I hung up right away.
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Didn't acknowledge them. They called back, just a phone
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call, and I answer. I think they had tried to
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FaceTime me and I accidentally answered it, but we never talked
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about it. We never acknowledge it.
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I don't know if they saw anything.
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I don't know if it was like if I had answered and caught it right
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away. But yeah, for all I know that
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person saw my my giblets and I have no idea.
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They shouldn't. You should have to do 2 factor
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authentication to answer a FaceTime call.
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What was it? Oh, the Boston cop slide I need
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to find Boston cop Boston police officer catapults off playground
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slide a Boston police officer was injured on.
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A slide City Hall while he was on duty.
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The Boston Police Department. It's the fact that he comes out
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upside down in the rattling that you hear before he emerges.
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So basically, if you if you completely missed this part of
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Internet history, the Boston cop slide is a slide in Boston that
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apparently people were complaining about because it was
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so it, but like was unsafe. People were literally like
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flying out of it at unsafe speeds and velocities.
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Somehow the the physicists who built this slide created some
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type of like turbo surface that just sent anybody inside of it
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rocket launched out of the slide and they caught this iconic
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video of the cop testing it out to see if it was safe or not.
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He he flopped so hard that it became known as the Boston hop
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slide. It's.
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Literally on Google Maps. I love that.
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I obviously need to go down it at some point.
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I cannot believe I've never been on the Boston Cops slide.
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It's actually like there's my bucket list has one item and
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it's go, it's slide down the Boston Cops slide.
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So now all of these Scottish people are in Boston for the
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World Cup and they're going down the Boston Cops slide and
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they're kilts. And every video that I've seen,
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they're just kind of gently going down the slide.
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And people are like the slide knows, the slide knows if you're
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good or evil. It kind of is a test of your
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spirit. And if you, if you sort of go
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into the Boston cop slide with with if you're not pure of
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heart, it's going to rock your shit.
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And if you go into it and you're and you're pure, then it will it
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will give you a gentle ride. Or maybe there's something about
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the kind of aerodynamics of a kill, like the air rushing up
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sort of acts as a balloon an an umbrella, because you know, when
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people jump off buildings with umbrellas like they did in that
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movie. I don't know.
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What's that bitch's name? Mary.
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Poppins. So they do they just kind of
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bring their bagpipes everywhere Or like, do Scottish people
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learn to play the bagpipes like we learn to play the recorder?
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Does everybody, do you get like a little rental bagpipe when
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you're in like third grade? It's not like a universal
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American experience. Does everybody learn to play the
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recorder in like third grade? It's it's sort of like part of
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No Child Left Behind was like, you have to learn a hot cross
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buns on the recorder in order to graduate like third grade.
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That's why we're all fucking stupid now.
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But yeah, Scottish people have invaded Boston in a hilarious
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way. There was also a video that I
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was watching Scottish Kid in Boston.
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Well, it was pretty crowded. Everyone was like watching stuff
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and they were like, oh, I wouldn't have watched this for
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the match. And everyone was coming like it
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was super busy. Almost unintelligible.
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I can't really read the captions and he might as well be speaking
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an entirely different language. I don't know what the fuck that
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child was talking about. I do love a Scottish accent.
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I love how completely unintelligible it actually is to
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the American here. There's also a Scottish woman on
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Love Island UK, Ellie. I love Ellie she she's kind of
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having a rough go of it but she said she's like if, if, if
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you're not intimate, just let me fucking know.
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Love her, Love her. Oh, yeah.
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In other British Invasion news, Paddington the Bear is coming to
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New York City. Paddington the musical, it's a
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musical, right? He's coming to New York.
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I don't think he's going to survive.
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Paddington the bear, the marmalade making bear.
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There's no way he's going to survive in New York City.
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They're going to gun him down. Paddington, you are.
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You're going to need armed guards everywhere you go.
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They're going to have to transport Paddington around in
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one of those bank vault cars because that bear is not safe.
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I'm going to be the one to do it.
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Who is that person who shot Ronald Reagan over Jodie Foster?
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John. John Hinckley, Junior.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I want to be in the next Stephen Sondheim Assassin's musical.
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But because I attempted to take Paddington the Bear's life, I
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think we should move on. For the record, I'm not
19:16
threatening the life of Paddington the Bear.
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I have nothing against that shitty bear.
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I don't really fuck with marmalade.
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What is marmalade? Marmalade is like Jelly, but
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it's got the peel in it or something.
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Why are we doing that? I don't want to eat the peel.
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British people love eating the peel of the orange.
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British people are fucking with oranges in a way that does not
19:35
make sense for the climate that they are in.
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Well, I guess it's like the Paddington's whole thing is that
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he famously, he's from Peru, right?
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And so he is kind of fucking with marmalade in a way that
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he's sort of introducing the British marmalade.
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But Even so, British people are like fucking with oranges in a a
19:53
very real way. They love combining orange and
19:56
chocolate. They have like orange and
19:58
chocolate. That's what Jaffa Cakes are.
20:00
That's what they they sell those like chocolates that come in the
20:03
orange. Why are we doing that?
20:05
Why are we doing that at the Uki don't get it.
20:08
It's fucking Paddington. The bear's fault.
20:11
I should have taken that bear out when I had the chance.
20:15
OK, next I think we move into my what the hecks of the week.
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First, this is sort of inspired by the pride party I was at.
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But people were drinking this drink my friend got for her
20:27
pride party, for her apartment pride party that had like, I
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don't know, 20-30 people she hired.
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You can hire like a college student basically to be a
20:37
bartender. That was such a boss move.
20:41
But also like kind of hilarious that this like 21 year old
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clearly non binary person. They did not like when I called
20:50
them the they them tender. I didn't say it to their face,
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but people were having a what is has been dubbed by multiple
21:03
publications already. The Drink of the Summer called,
21:08
have you heard of this, the Hugo Spritz?
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Who the fuck is Hugo? I don't know him.
21:15
Why are we calling it that? OK, let me look it up because,
21:18
yeah, several publications are calling the drink of the summer
21:21
the Hugo Spritz. What is a spritz is something
21:24
that's got like, Prosecco in it, right?
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It's basically like an alcohol and then Prosecco and then like
21:29
sparkling waters or seltzer soda.
21:33
But a Hugo spritz instead of an Aperol, a Hugo spritz.
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Let's just look up. The recipe is a light, floral
21:44
and highly refreshing Italian aperitif.
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It has Prosecco, club soda, fresh mint, citrus, ice, and
21:53
it's defining liqueur. Is an elderflower liqueur or
21:58
cordial like Saint Germain? Heard of her?
22:02
I've heard of Saint Germain. Don't know what it is.
22:05
I don't know what. Who's elderflower?
22:07
That's some Harry Potter shit. Get the fucking shit out of my
22:10
drink. It was fine.
22:12
I don't really know why are we putting flowers and stuff?
22:16
I don't want to disparage any culture that may be doing this
22:19
kind of historically. I do think it's it's, it's
22:21
probably less prevalent in like American cuisine.
22:25
Certainly we don't like I feel like Middle Eastern cuisine
22:28
often has like rose water and rose flavored stuff.
22:32
The Middle Eastern restaurant that I order from, it's Middle
22:35
Eastern. Is it not Has they have this
22:40
rice pudding that I love and it's got rosewater.
22:44
It's like, I don't know if it's a Rami like a, it's something,
22:48
it's some type of should I, no, I don't want to look it up.
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It's got rice pudding. The rice pudding's got rose
22:53
water in it and I do like it. OK.
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And then I bought rose water 'cause I thought I was going to
22:57
make my own rice pudding. And then either way I got sad
22:59
because I was like, this is what a 90 year old woman would do.
23:04
I can't be making my own rice pudding.
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I think that's a step too far. I think it's like, make rice
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pudding here. We're going to take you out back
23:11
and end it all, get you into a retirement home.
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I would join a retirement community of 35 year olds and
23:19
I'm seconds away from being involuntarily committed to one
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of them the way that, yeah, I I do kind of fuck with rice
23:26
pudding. It's good.
23:28
You don't even have to like, chew.
23:29
You just kind of suck on it. I love rice pudding and the
23:33
place I get it from always puts like a landing strip of cinnamon
23:36
on it. Love that shit.
23:37
I'd lick it right up. Anyway, Next, I've been seeing a
23:42
lot of videos of parents fighting each other at
23:45
children's events and it's really making me wonder what
23:49
kind of suburban straight culture I'm missing out on
23:52
'cause I'm like, I could so imagine in another universe, me
23:57
beating the shit out of some 40 year old's soccer mom because
24:02
she called my kid like lazy on the soccer field and I then I
24:10
would follow her home and sort of break her windshield.
24:13
I'm not going to do that, OK, because that's not the community
24:17
that I'm a part of, but it does kind of make me wonder what I'm
24:20
missing out on. Maybe it was more towards like
24:22
when the school year was wrapping up, but like, yeah,
24:25
people were kind of beating the shit out of one another out
24:27
there. Children's recitals over like
24:30
seating arrangements and shit. It's, I mean, this is the basis
24:34
of like so many television shows, like Big Little Lies is
24:37
kind of about like, you know, your kid called my kid this.
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I don't want, I have, I have no interest in that culture.
24:45
I'm, I'm so far removed from that culture, you can't even
24:49
believe it, but it does. I'm sort of envious of how
24:54
people have it's kind of in the same way that some people have
24:58
like office rivals, like you always have sort of an office
25:02
enemy that people have like fellow parent enemies.
25:07
I almost feel like that's kind of exclusively like from what
25:10
I'm observing from afar, I've, it kind of seems seems like all
25:15
parents kind of hate each other of school children who like who
25:19
share classmates with each other.
25:21
The the PTA shit is going down in the PTA that we can't even
25:25
unfathom with our urban minds. But I love that and I, I wish, I
25:31
wish I could partake in it, but I just can't be involved
25:33
unfortunately. Like the when they bring the
25:36
little snacks to the soccer game and some be like, oh, your kid
25:40
ate too many orange slices and I'd be like, Hey, how about I
25:42
break your kneecaps? I guess I sort of have that with
25:48
dog. Like people sort of get that.
25:51
I am becoming sort of one of those people when my friends
25:54
tell me about what's happening with their children, I just have
25:57
a sort of uncontrollable urge to be like, well, my dog did this.
26:03
And and it's because I think mentally I equate your children
26:07
with my dog. They're sort of on the same
26:09
level. And it's not because I think my
26:12
dog necessarily is like, equal to your child.
26:15
I think your child is equal to my dog.
26:17
People in New York especially, like people are fighting over
26:21
dogs. I think someone got like shot at
26:23
a dog park a couple years ago. Someone, someone stabbed.
26:27
Someone else? 'S dog.
26:29
Oh, parking was pretty awful. Yeah, that's why I don't.
26:35
I don't really fuck with the public dog parks in that way.
26:39
Truffles will go to daycare where you have to pass like a
26:42
screening to get in. But yeah, a lot of a lot of
26:46
people are letting their dogs run up on truffles.
26:48
And I'm like, OK, well, if she fucking goes off on him, it's
26:53
not my fault. Next, a lot of people are
27:03
shaving their Bush in a way that I did not find acceptable.
27:10
I thought we had established that Bush was in OK, Bush's Bush
27:16
is back. I mean, so here's the thing.
27:18
I don't really know what's happening in heterosexual
27:21
culture. That's sort of none of my
27:23
business. That's, that's like I said, it's
27:26
like I don't know what trends are happening.
27:29
I'm not watching any material that involves cisgendered women
27:37
in any way, shape or form. Get that off my TV.
27:40
I'm not watching that Tyra Banks.
27:46
Tyra Banks. We have to talk about Tyra Banks
27:48
also detour because one of the most iconic people of all time,
27:54
I mean, just she'll she'll just open her mouth and some of the
27:58
most iconic lines will will fall out the way that she said on her
28:02
TV show. Get that faggot off my TV.
28:05
I'm not watching that. She just said that and then they
28:09
broadcast it. I don't even think it was live.
28:12
She's been in the news for a couple of reasons recently. 1 is
28:15
that there was that America's Next Top Model documentary on
28:19
Netflix, I think. And she eventually agreed to sit
28:23
for an interview. And I guess she sat for like a
28:27
three hour interview and they only used like a small portion
28:30
of it, which is like, yeah, that's how documentaries work,
28:34
babe. Do you think they're going to
28:36
just broadcast your three hour interview?
28:38
No, they're going to pick and choose what parts.
28:41
I guess she's like suing them for defamation because because
28:45
she's claiming that they only use the parts that kind of made
28:49
her look bad. It's like, unfortunately, I do
28:52
believe that we all saw America's Next Stop model.
28:55
And so it's kind of hard to refute the evidence.
28:58
I mean, I love that she's kind of taking this tactic, but oh,
29:03
the other reason I'm so I've gone through so much.
29:05
We're doing the weave Tyra Banks.
29:10
The other reason Tyra Banks is in the news or not in the news,
29:13
it's like her she wrote a novel like 20 years ago that is
29:16
resurfaced and people on TikTok are like Oh my God, did we all
29:20
know that Tyra Banks wrote a full blown like is it like a
29:23
dystopian? What is the Sci-fi?
29:26
Fantasy. Can I look up the plot of?
29:29
Model Land. Model Land.
29:31
Model Land by Tyra Banks Model and is a 2011 young adult
29:36
fantasy novel by Tyra Co, written obviously by Michael,
29:43
about an awkward girl named Tuki de la Creme.
29:50
Oh no, I'm already I can. I could.
29:54
I've only read the name of the main character and I'm already
29:57
having the best time. Who is transported to the
30:00
magical exclusive world of model and a modeling school where she
30:04
and other unlikely girls must compete to become Intoxabellas.
30:10
What? The book blends elements of
30:16
fashion, fantasy and dystopian fiction, exploring themes of
30:18
self esteem, friendship and courage.
30:20
OK, so the first what the heck book club pick is going to have
30:26
to be modeling by Tyra Pecks. I think maybe I will try to read
30:31
it before next episode and we can fully unpack it.
30:34
We also, I think, have moved on too quickly from the hot ice
30:38
cream thing. Like what?
30:40
What was she thinking? And everybody was like, oh, so
30:43
it's like a Creme on glaze, like a, you know, it's like a custard
30:47
sauce, but you just don't put it into an like an ice cream maker.
30:51
And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
30:53
You don't understand. It's something different.
30:55
It's hot ice cream. And everyone's like, so you just
30:57
melted ice cream and then you kind of heated it up.
31:00
No, no, no, no, no, no. It's something else.
31:03
And then she wonders why they tape for three hours and only
31:07
used a part of it. Baby girl, it's because you have
31:10
a lost the plot and you've planted it somewhere in model
31:16
land. Anyway, yeah, I guess I do have
31:20
to read that book now. Unfortunately, this was all just
31:24
a tangent from shaving your Bush.
31:28
How did I get there? How did I get to shaving your
31:32
Bush? I don't.
31:33
I don't know how I got there, but yeah, I feel like people are
31:37
shaving their bushes in a, like a, a very despicable way.
31:40
Let it out. I feel like the gay guy
31:43
community at this point, I, I, this podcast is becoming like
31:46
gay guy anthropology. I'm just kind of like I'm, I'm
31:51
bringing in my like field notes from, from the scene and
31:55
reporting on it in a way that I'm, I'm almost like, am I like
31:58
telling the gay community business?
32:01
Am I like exposing the gay community business in a way that
32:04
I should not be? Stuff is happening on grinder
32:06
that like you guys would not believe in a way that I'm like,
32:11
here's the thing. And I got we got to get back to
32:14
shaving your Bush. But like it is pride month and I
32:18
make fun of gay people a lot my fellow gay people, but also like
32:21
people. I I feel like homophobia is
32:25
having a moment. People are getting very
32:28
comfortable being like just openly, brazenly homophobic on
32:31
the Internet in a way that like you should be embarrassed by.
32:34
And so I always am like, am I, I I want to be able to like poke
32:40
fun at, you know, myself at slash the gay community without
32:45
also being like a Republican, because it's also like there's
32:51
been multiple, I guess there. I mean there was at least one
32:56
Major League Baseball team that had like a pride night and the
33:00
one guy wrote like a Bible verse on his head over the rainbow
33:04
flag. And I was like shut the fuck up.
33:06
And then someone looked up their union agreement and was like,
33:09
you didn't even have to. You could have not worn the
33:12
pride stuff if you didn't want to wear it.
33:14
But also it's a fucking rainbow you loser bitch.
33:16
There was another a minor League Baseball team forfeited their
33:21
game because too many players refused to play the the pride
33:25
night. And it's like, how much of a
33:28
fucking loser to you? You're already a minor League
33:31
Baseball player, Embarrassing. And then you're going to forfeit
33:35
a game. You're going to willingly be a
33:37
loser rather than wear a rainbow.
33:40
And also it's like, I don't think you even have to wear it.
33:50
I mean, like, this is this could be a whole episode of just me
33:54
going off on people who are are too stupid.
33:57
And to think I was just talking about baseball player asses.
34:00
There's a couple of them. There's one guy whose name I
34:02
don't know because I don't know any baseball players names since
34:04
Sammy Sosa. But he attended a Pride night,
34:10
and I think he specifically wore pants that were so thin that you
34:15
could see almost the veins. And that's how you do allyship.
34:22
Take note. I don't even know if I had a
34:27
point about shaving your Bush other than don't do it.
34:33
I think the reason I wanted to bring up shaving your Bush is
34:35
because, yeah, sure. Am I am I doing some some hedge
34:39
work down there? Sure.
34:41
Am I using a little, you know, a weed, taking the weed whacker
34:45
every now and again? Yeah.
34:48
Am I cutting stuff that should not be cut?
34:53
You better believe it. I don't know.
34:57
They they're trying to act like they've invented stuff that can
35:01
make you not cut your ball sack. And guess what, folks?
35:06
Is going to happen every time, every time you're going to cut
35:08
your ball sack. And here's the other thing.
35:12
I don't know what I'm allowed and not allowed to use Nair on.
35:15
Yeah, lot, lot of, I mean, there's pretty clear warning
35:19
labels on every Nair product and not put it anywhere near your
35:22
genitals. But then some of them are like
35:25
for intimate areas, it says, I think that's for like a woman's
35:29
inner thigh. Because here's the thing.
35:31
Yeah, I know like women, there's like Nair for women or you know,
35:35
Nair for people with badges. And I'm still kind of not
35:41
totally sure where all of the parts are.
35:47
I'm I'll, I can tell you with 100% confidence right now, I
35:52
don't know what parts of a vagina hair grows on I and I
35:57
don't want to know. I remember I got into an
35:59
argument. I did a stand up show in
36:00
Portland and I was talking about, I had a joke about when
36:04
truffles got her period. And I was like, I don't, I don't
36:07
know about that. I don't, I won't have to know
36:09
about that unless I buy a girl at some point.
36:12
And adopt A baby. I'm not going to human traffic a
36:18
girl. And this woman in Portland was
36:21
like, so she was like, you should know this.
36:24
And I'm like, I don't. I don't have to know about a
36:26
woman's genitals. And in fact, I think it's better
36:29
if I don't unless I'm on like a deserted island after a plane
36:35
crash with another with a woman and I have to do like an
36:38
emergency vagilectomy on her. I don't have to know about that.
36:44
It's I don't have to know about it.
36:46
If if one day I, you know, accidentally get pregnant and
36:50
have a girl, then I'll learn about it then.
36:53
But until then, I'm not fucking with it.
36:56
Truffles, uterus ripped out. OK, so I don't even have to know
37:00
about that anymore. Oh, the other thing is like, I
37:03
don't get why. Why does everything get so itchy
37:05
after you shave it? Why?
37:07
Why does that happen? It's like my body doesn't want
37:11
me to be comfortable. It's like my body is giving me a
37:14
warning sign. That's like, see what happens
37:16
when you take this? We have this hair for a reason,
37:18
and if you take it away, we're going to make it itchy as fuck.
37:24
And then sometimes you don't get it all, so then it's like
37:26
there's a little stubble on it. I don't like that.
37:29
Shaving is too much of A hassle. That's why they need to invent
37:31
an air that I can put on my balls safely.
37:37
Yeah, I don't get, I've tried to look into the science of Nair
37:40
and it just, I can't. I can't.
37:43
I don't know what a capillary is, if that's even the word.
37:48
They're they're like, yeah, it goes in and it it, it literally
37:51
just burns it off. That's I'm always afraid that
37:54
I'm going to like accidentally chemically castrate myself.
37:57
I'm going to go full Alan Turing with it.
38:00
And then Benedict Cumberbatch will have to play me in the
38:02
Oscar winning movie of the guy who burnt off his balls on Nair.
38:10
Anyway, next, I've reached my limit on the amount of talk that
38:16
I hear about cortisol levels. Wrap it up, okay?
38:21
The people of talking about cortisol levels, you've had your
38:23
time, you've had your fun. It's over.
38:27
None of us are buying it. Cortisol was something they
38:30
invented like 3 years ago on Tiktok.
38:33
And then they're telling you your cortisol levels are too
38:35
high. Do you get stuff like this?
38:38
Have you ever heard the word cortisol?
38:40
I know cortisone cream, but I rub on stuff.
38:45
But cortisol, yeah, cortisol levels not.
38:48
I don't even really know what it is and people are like, or if
38:52
you eat too close to bed, if you watch Tiktok before bed, it's
38:56
just all the stuff that you do normally.
39:00
You know, if you if you smoke, if you drink, it raises your
39:04
cortisol levels. And then like, you know, it
39:06
crashes if you wake up. And then then they're blaming it
39:09
everything on high cortisol levels.
39:11
If you wake up to pee in the middle of the night, it's
39:13
because you have high cortisol. If you feel your eye twitch
39:15
every now and again, it's because you have high cortisol.
39:18
OK, so everything is high cortisol and now I have to buy
39:20
some supplement in order to fix it.
39:23
You made this up. You made this up.
39:25
It's not real, and everyone needs to pack it in.
39:28
We're done. We're moving on from cortisol
39:30
levels. Thank you.
39:31
Next, we got a call in to the What the Heck hotline.
39:36
The what the Heck hotline? Of course, the number that any
39:38
of you can call to leave your What the heck of the week.
39:42
It's four O 7 WTH Matt. That's four O 7 WTH Matt.
39:48
OK, wait, before we get into that, I wanted to, I want to do
39:51
it quick. Someone tried to leave a
39:53
voicemail and I don't want to expose them so I won't play all
39:57
of it but just the part where they say this.
40:03
Happy pride month. Also fun fact, I still think of
40:07
pride month as quote a month just for gay because years ago
40:13
Matt you that's what your mother called it in a text to you.
40:18
So here's the thing, I have literally no memory of saying my
40:21
mom said that, which is not at all to say that she didn't.
40:25
I fully believe that. But yeah, my mom does have a
40:29
very sort of like first graders knowledge of pride.
40:35
She did text, she texted me. Oh, I almost forgot to say
40:41
happy, happy pride month, which is very nice.
40:45
But also, I just love that she was like, Oh, yes, it's it's
40:48
like she was like in the same way that like Father's Day, you
40:52
text your father, she was like, oh, right.
40:55
I have to text my gay son. But yeah, a month for gay for
41:00
sure. OK.
41:01
Then we have a call that I'm told is a follow up to last
41:05
week's episode. Hey Matt, fellow hater of high
41:10
rocks here. I think that shit is dumb.
41:13
And for Instagram, I was just listening to your segment and I
41:18
need you to know that Hyrox stands for Hybrid Rock Star.
41:25
I'm not kidding. That's what it stands for.
41:27
What? So now you know, you don't have
41:29
to play this call. I just needed to make sure that
41:32
you know, that's how lame that shit is.
41:35
OK, love you. Bye.
41:37
Thank you so much. Thank you for telling me that.
41:41
I think you're lying and making that up.
41:44
But why? It's really, it's really a
41:47
hybrid rock star. If you, if you are listening to
41:51
this episode and this is your first episode.
41:54
I was bitching last week about High Rocks being this new
41:57
fitness phenomenon that I'm seeing people post about, which
42:01
is apparently like, yeah, a hybrid athletic event where
42:05
people are doing something like 8 different activities and
42:10
races. It's field day.
42:12
It's field day from when you were a kid, but everyone has
42:15
grown up now and thinks they're taking it seriously and it's a
42:19
joke. Hybrid rock star.
42:22
I remember, I don't think it was in the episode, but it was
42:26
invented by like 2 German guys. I don't like that.
42:30
I don't like that whatsoever. What are they training for?
42:33
Any time German people start to amass everybody and and train
42:38
them for stuff we need to be sending in the United Nations.
42:44
I'm pretty sure this is what NATO is for.
42:46
NATO, if you're listening, you need to nuke high rocks next.
42:53
What the heck is going on with those virtual reality glasses
42:58
that they keep trying to push on us?
43:00
We don't want it. There's like 20 people in San
43:04
Francisco who these are for and the rest of us are just having
43:07
to suffer through it. It's the same with AI.
43:10
It's the same with AI. It's only like 20 people in San
43:12
Francisco who actually want that shit.
43:14
The rest of us are just being rolled over.
43:17
And I don't, there's something truly sinister that I almost
43:22
have nothing funny to say about those glasses because I think
43:25
it's like kind of diabolical that people are just walking
43:27
around with 24/7 surveillance cameras on their faces and we're
43:31
just supposed to be OK with that.
43:33
No, no, get those things off your face.
43:37
You're embarrassing yourself. I don't want to say brand names
43:40
'cause I I don't want to get taken out.
43:43
These places have resources, but there's one that a certain
43:47
social media network has released.
43:49
There's another one that some like tech company just released
43:52
this past week that are even uglier.
43:55
And I'm like, why would you even release when there's there's
43:58
already a better what looking one on the market?
44:01
So why are you even bothering to jump in on this?
44:04
But the other thing is like, I don't it's sinister that these
44:06
people are walking around with cameras on their faces and
44:09
recording things that you don't know are being recorded.
44:12
The only person, the only person I've seen use and post from
44:17
those glasses was this gay guy in Connecticut who got basically
44:21
bullied off the Internet. Not because of the glasses
44:24
unrelated personality disorder, but the glasses didn't help.
44:29
And I it was like, of course that's the user for this.
44:31
There was this gay guy in Connecticut who went viral
44:34
because he he was in a beef with his Soul Cycle instructor.
44:40
It like the soul he had beef with the soul cycle instructor
44:43
over like scheduling and he kept videotaping himself going into
44:48
Soul cycle be in like you kept going to this class even though
44:52
he was fully having an online feud with the instructor and
44:57
like trying to get her fired basically.
44:59
And he'd be like, hey, sorry about the videos.
45:02
And then he would finish class and go be, I mean, go be like
45:05
this bitch just like, fucking shit.
45:09
And then everybody found out he was, like, a terrible person.
45:12
And it's like, yeah, that's exactly who has those glasses.
45:15
They're terrible people. And he really milked his 15
45:20
seconds and 15 seconds. That's all I'm giving him.
45:25
But yeah, fuck those glasses. Fuck anybody who wears those
45:27
glasses. You look stupid.
45:29
You are stupid. And I think they should be
45:31
illegal. And finally, stop showing Tik
45:35
toks to monkeys at the zoo. There's something I'm very
45:39
passionate about. I'm, I'm considering taking it
45:42
to PETA, but they are people are posting videos that I'm seeing
45:47
of themselves showing they go up to the monkey enclosure at the
45:50
zoo, the gorilla enclosure or the orangutan enclosure.
45:54
When they show, do you see these videos?
45:57
And they'll be, they'll sit next to the glass and the orangutan
46:01
will sit next to the glass. And then they'll show it TikTok
46:04
and the, and then the orangutan will go like this.
46:09
He he swipes his, he swipes his finger in the air to say, OK, go
46:13
to the next one. Go to the next one.
46:15
And I'm like, they are free. They are free from the torture
46:19
of social media. Why are we introducing mental
46:22
illness to orangutans at the zoo?
46:26
There literally was a gorilla at the Lincoln Park Zoo who became
46:29
depressed, I think because people were taking showing them
46:32
photos and they like had to make people stop because.
46:38
Yeah, it was. Really.
46:40
Sad. Stop teaching.
46:41
It's like it. What was that one?
46:43
That one gorilla that they taught like English, that one
46:47
gorilla, I feel like Jane, what's her name?
46:49
Jane Jane Goodall. She was teaching all those
46:53
monkeys how to speak or whatever.
46:55
And that one, that one gorilla was like, I'm fucked up.
47:01
He was doing sign language, being like, why did you teach me
47:04
this language? Wasn't it Coco the monkey?
47:09
Coco the gorilla was like, I think you have one point.
47:12
He was like I but he and Jane, I don't know, they had a good
47:16
thing going between them. I sort of like, I want their
47:18
love. Someone let me be their Coco.
47:23
I want someone be the Jane Goodall to my Coco.
47:27
The other Yeah. The one thing I do support is
47:29
doing sleight of hand magic tricks to the monkeys at the
47:34
zoo. That shit I do like you like
47:37
hide 1/4 behind your ear and they lose their shit.
47:40
Love that. That's great.
47:42
Teach the monkeys to think you're a wizard.
47:45
Don't show the monkeys dance trends on TikTok because you're
47:49
giving them depression. And I'm I'm using monkey, ape,
47:55
orangutans. I'm using this kind of as a
47:56
catch all term. I think it's mostly gorillas and
47:59
orangutans which are the smarter ones.
48:03
A gorilla is a gorilla. An orangutan ape goes up.
48:07
Oh right a monkey. Cause a chimpanzee is not a
48:10
monkey either. A chimpanzee is an ape, right?
48:12
The monkeys are like the small little ones.
48:14
The monkeys got tails. Yes.
48:17
What else was I going to say? Something about monkey?
48:19
Oh, yeah. I mean, we're from Chicago.
48:22
And famously, when I was growing up, someone fell into the
48:27
gorilla enclosure at the zoo and we did not pull a Harambe.
48:35
I think that the Chicago gorilla was very nice to that little
48:38
girl who fell in. Cincinnati.
48:42
Oh right, they were doing crazy. The Cincinnati Zoo had a moment
48:46
for a second because they had Harambe.
48:49
RIP. And then they had Fiona, that
48:51
fucking hippopotamus who I hate. I, I don't like Fiona because
48:55
when I came out with my book, I went to the Cincinnati Book Fair
48:59
for a promotional event and Fiona also had a children's book
49:02
out and her line was longer than mine even though she wasn't even
49:05
fucking there and she didn't even write that fucking book.
49:10
Anyway, finally to my what the hey.
49:18
My what the hey of the week. My opposite of the what the heck
49:21
the thing that's making me happy this week, This week, honestly,
49:24
my what the hey is just going to go ahead and be the reason I'm
49:27
waking up every morning and that is Love Island, both US and UK.
49:32
I'm clocking into work everyday, putting in the hours to watch
49:37
Love Island US and UK. I'm engaging in the discourse.
49:40
I'm loving every second of it. It truly is this beautiful
49:44
formula that they have. I I love that it is the gentlest
49:48
form of torture that we're allowed to do on hot people.
49:52
I think hot people should be tortured a little bit.
49:55
You're you get everything else in life.
49:58
And so we should be able to do kind of saw jigsaw style games
50:03
on you and they lure them in with the beautiful villa in
50:08
Majorca or wherever, Fiji, and then they sort of put them
50:13
through psychological hell. And that's beautiful to me.
50:16
And I think we should be doing more of that.
50:18
So shout out to the Island for keeping me alive.
50:23
And that's all for this week's What the heck, Thank you for
50:25
listening. Thank you for watching.
50:27
Make sure that you like subscribe, leave a comment,
50:30
leave a nice review. All of it really helps.
50:33
Share, share with your friends, tell your friends to listen,
50:36
tell your friends to go watch. And also we'll put posts and
50:40
clips on the Internet. Make sure that you like and
50:43
engage with those clips so that this show can keep going and
50:47
keep growing. Hi, this has been an episode of
50:51
What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
50:53
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
50:55
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
50:58
future episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
51:02
That's four O 7 WTH Matt. What the Heck with Matt?
51:05
Bellicide is produced by Same Boat Studios and Bellisai
51:08
Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
51:11
Bellisai. Our executive producers are
51:12
Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and me, Matt Bellisai.
51:15
Erica Glass is our senior producer.
51:17
Our video editors are Matt Bellis I and Erica Glass.
51:20
Production designed by Erica Glass, Matt Bellis I and Barry
51:22
Finkel. Our theme music is courtesy of
51:24
epidemicsound.com. Special thanks to Truffles
51:27
Bellis I.