Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / The Empath & The Avoidant. Ep.3. Death By A Thousand Cuts

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The Empath & The Avoidant. Ep.3. Death By A Thousand Cuts · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode three of the series on the relationship between the avoidant and the empath.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: This particular episode may resonate with many people, but at least that's my hope.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've entitled it Death by a Thousand Cuts.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: In the first episode of the series, we explored the powerful attraction that often exists between the empath and the avoidant.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: In the second, we examined the dance that follows.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: One person moving towards connection and the other person moving away from it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: But today we arrive at the part of the story that few people talk about.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because this isn't the dramatic part.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about an explosive argument.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about betrayal.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't the day that somebody walks out.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that's much quieter and much slower and far more damaging.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about death by a thousand cuts.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: When people describe the end of relationships, they often look for a single event, a moment, a crisis, an argument, something they can point to and say, there, that's when everything changed.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But in relationships between an empath and an avoidant, that's often not what happens.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: What destroys the relationship is rarely one devastating blow.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's the accumulation of hundreds, sometimes thousands of small moments.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Moments that in isolation seem insignificant, yet together become impossible to survive.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Things being ignored, avoided, forgotten, dismissed, minimized, the absence of repair, a vulnerability met with silence.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And whilst one incident means very little, relationships aren't built on isolated moments.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: They're built upon repeated patterns, and repeated experiences create emotional reality.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So the empath begins every disappointment with understanding that is one of their greatest strengths and eventually one of their greatest vulnerabilities.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So they tell themselves things like, well, they've had a difficult week, or they're under pressure, or they don't mean it, or they've had a hard life and they're doing their best.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes all of those things are true.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem isn't the explanation.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that the explanation becomes more important than the experience.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: The empath becomes so focused on understanding the avoidant that they stop listening to themselves.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: They've accommodated themselves or accommodated the avoidant in ways that mean there's very little room for them to exist.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the erosion begins, because every time a legitimate emotional need is dismissed, delayed, ignored, or minimized, something happens.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Trust reduces, not dramatically, just slightly, a tiny amount, almost invisible, but it happens.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then it happens again.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And again, and again, until eventually the relationship resembles a bank account that has experienced years of withdrawals and almost no deposits.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: From the outside, everything appears normal.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: But from the inside, bankruptcy is approaching.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be clear about something.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Most avoidants aren't setting out to hurt someone.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're not waking up each morning planning emotional neglect.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're just doing what they've always done.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Protecting themselves from something they don't really need to.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Managing discomfort and avoiding vulnerability and creating distance whenever intimacy begins to feel threatening.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But intent and impact are not the same thing.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's back to my phrase the explanations are not excuses.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Someone can unintentionally create profound harm.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And particularly when that behavior continues for years.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where many empaths begin to change, not outwardly, inwardly.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: They become hyper-vigilant.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: They start monitoring moods and scanning for signs.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to predict the emotional weather and trying to avoid rejection.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to avoid disappointment despite the fact that the person they are with is a disappointment.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to avoid triggering withdrawal without realizing it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They've begun adapting themselves to survive the relationship.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so the relationship starts taking up increasing amounts of psychological space.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the mind of the empath, conversations are replayed, messages analyzed, silence is interpreted, ambiguities examined.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: The empath is no longer experiencing the relationship.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: They're managing it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that management comes at a cost.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because eventually they begin abandoning parts of themselves.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: They stop raising concerns, they stop expressing needs, they stop asking questions, they stop asking for anything.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the needs have disappeared, but because experience has taught them that those needs are unlikely to be even recognized, never mind met.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the saddest moments in any relationship because it's the moment when someone stops speaking because they've stopped believing they'll be heard.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the avoidant doesn't notice.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why would they?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes calm is surrender.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes calm is resignation.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes calm is what happens when somebody has become emotionally exhausted.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to pause here for a moment.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Many listeners may recognize themselves in this description.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may remember becoming quieter, more accommodating, more patient, more understanding.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You may remember convincing yourself that if you just loved a little harder, gave a little more, expected a little less, things would improve.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: But healthy relationships are not sustained by one person's patience.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: They are sustained by mutual responsibility, mutual accountability, mutual effort.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And where those things are absent, the burden increasingly falls upon just the one person until they can no longer carry it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Over time something else happens.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: The empath starts losing clarity.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: The constant cycle of connection and withdrawal creates confusion.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they remember the good times, the tenderness, the promises, the glimpses of intimacy.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And because those moments are real, they keep hoping, they keep believing.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: They keep waiting for the relationship to become what it occasionally appears capable of becoming.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: But occasional connection can't compensate for chronic absence.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a starving person can't live on one meal a month, and neither can a relationship.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, the empath begins asking a really hard question.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not consciously at first, more as a feeling, a growing awareness and a quiet ache.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the question sounds something like, How much longer can I keep doing this?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: The answer is usually surprising because they the empath discovers they're no longer fighting for the relationship, they're fighting for themselves.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: The exhaustion they feel isn't weakness, it's evidence.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Evidence that their nervous system has been carrying a burden it was never designed to carry.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: The burden of loving two people, the other person and the relationship itself.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But meanwhile, the avoidant remains conveniently unaware of how serious things have become.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: But because distance protects them from seeing the accumulated damage, and the cracks are visible to everyone else except the person standing inside them.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship continues outwardly intact, whatever that means, internally collapsing.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: The empath is still present, but no longer secure, no longer hopeful, no longer certain.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the cruel reality of a death by a thousand cuts.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship usually dies long before the empath takes action.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: One person has slowly disappeared from themselves, the other slowly disappears from the relationship.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And neither really recognizes the full extent of what's happening until much later.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we reach the moment that many people believe is the beginning of the end, and it's the day the empath leaves, when the empath walks away, when the empath finally has had enough and has been preparing for departure for a while.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those last straw that broke the camel's back moments, but there were thousands of straws that preceded it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And as we will discover, the empath's departure is rarely the beginning of the story.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is usually the final chapter of a process that's been unfolding for years.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a decision not born from anger or punishment, not from revenge, but from survival.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If someone has walked away from you, if this is what people do, that there is knowledge to be gained from listening to this podcast and the next.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because it explains what it is that lies beneath the surface.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It explains how the kindness and the preoccupation and the accommodation that the empath offers is used by the avoidant, the damage it does, and eventually the person who really matters will walk away.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll see you next time.