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It’s Time For A Pubic Hair Check? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour. So absurd, so
0:10
questionable. Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour. Evan, you have a lot of things
0:27
wrong with you, and Alan will agree. We've known
0:29
Evan for a long time. And we've created a list
0:33
of everything that you do wrong. All your shortcomings.
0:37
We've summed you up as a person. But one of your
0:39
biggest issues is your punctuality. And for this
0:42
recording today, you were late. And, you know,
0:44
we're going to give you the opportunity to maybe
0:47
give some excuses to dodge responsibility on
0:50
why you were late today. Because you're going
0:52
to dodge responsibility. There's no doubt. Yeah,
0:54
I mean, I'm not one to take responsibility. I
0:58
do have a couple excuses cooked up here, and
1:00
I just want y 'all to know it's not my fault.
1:03
Of course. It's a great way to start this. Yeah.
1:05
First off, it was my birthday this week, so I'm
1:08
going to play that card. Weird way to fish for
1:10
a happy birthday. Yeah, I'm not going to wish
1:12
you happy birthday. No one said anything, so
1:13
I was late. He was late because he couldn't see
1:18
driving because of his tears. He was crying the
1:22
entire time. So yeah, it was my birthday, and
1:24
then my grandma died this week. That is true.
1:28
Can I play both of those cards real quick? Yeah.
1:30
I think you can only do one of those cards. Did
1:32
you get a happy birthday from your grandma? Not
1:34
in time. So there's that. Basically, Alan and
1:45
I can't use the excuse that we died this week.
1:47
It was already taken. I think the rule is that
1:49
only one of us can use a death card each week,
1:52
and Evan has already played his, so we're out
1:56
until at least next week. Yeah, okay. And there
1:59
is the little subsection of that rule, and if
2:01
the death is the same week as your birthday,
2:04
you can use both cards. Okay. This is like a
2:07
Magic the Gathering -style rule system here.
2:10
Yeah. Because I think the birthday plus the death
2:13
is a plus 50. Exactly. So I was actually early,
2:17
if you think about it, because if you add both
2:20
of those together, that's plus 50 minus the 15
2:24
for the interstate being closed. Sure. Really,
2:27
I was early 30 minutes at least. That makes sense,
2:30
actually. We get to the end of it. Okay. Nobody
2:33
wishing you happy birthday and your grandma passing.
2:36
That's a pretty good excuse. Somehow the loser
2:38
becomes the winner. Yeah. Just want to say. Evan's
2:42
like, I need more grandmas because I can get
2:44
out of a lot of stuff. I've been using both those
2:49
cards on my life all week, so I haven't done
2:51
a thing. But we forgive you. Take that in. Enjoy
2:53
it. Enjoy the moment. Feels good. Yeah. I feel
2:57
like a Roman victor. Okay. Yeah. Whatever your
3:01
mountaintop is, I guess. But welcome to Questionable
3:04
Detour. Let's do a hypothetical. Dave, can I
3:07
pose a somewhat abstract? purely hypothetical
3:10
question. So if you keep up with any current
3:19
news, data centers are going up around the country.
3:22
People are upset. They hate it. They don't want
3:24
it. They say it uses too much water. They say
3:27
it's noisy. They say it smells. So people are
3:32
protesting these data centers going up. And a
3:34
lot of them protest in various ways. Boring stuff.
3:38
You know, signs. yelling bullhorns, you know,
3:43
the basic stuff. It's essentially a white girl
3:46
going to Starbucks. You know, that kind of equivalent.
3:48
But I personally think they could be doing it
3:50
better. So I'm excited to ask y 'all the question.
3:53
What ways do y 'all go about protesting a business
3:56
coming into the area that you don't want? I think
3:59
the best way to get anything done is if you want
4:03
to stop someone from doing something, take what
4:05
they're doing and do it better. Absolutely. And
4:07
then they will never get anything done because,
4:09
hey, you've already capitalized the market. So
4:12
if somebody says, hey, I'm going to bring a data
4:13
center into... your city i'm gonna be like hey
4:16
buddy we don't need that that's gonna kill our
4:18
city that's hey maybe that's gonna raise our
4:20
water bill whatever other reasons people say
4:22
you didn't research it i didn't i i don't know
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i just i get mad when when things happen i i
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want to get mad i don't care what it is i just
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i want to get mad so what i'm gonna do i'm gonna
4:33
take that land not take it you know what this
4:36
sounds a lot like this is very similar to when
4:39
the white man And the white man took over the
4:43
Indians' land here. They decided that they were
4:45
going to take what was already belonging to somebody
4:47
else and quote -unquote make it better. Do you
4:50
see yourself as the white man in this situation?
4:52
Are you riding in on a horse? Before I do that,
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do you ask the data center boss, the head guy,
4:59
do you ask him to dress in feathers and maybe
5:01
wear some moccasins? Yes and yes. I see myself
5:05
as somewhat of a white savior. sir yeah absolutely
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i i am what this city needs yeah is someone that's
5:14
gonna do the dirty work gonna go in and do what
5:19
needs to be done to make sure this other stupid
5:21
data center doesn't move in i'm gonna move in
5:24
Yeah. You're going to take the land. Exactly.
5:27
I'm going to take the land. I'm going to build
5:29
a data center. That way they can't build a data
5:31
center and everyone's happy. Everyone's happy.
5:33
That's right. And the cannon fire is not going
5:36
to bug anybody as you're fighting off the natives.
5:41
Yeah. Spreading my diseases. You're going to
5:44
be like, would you like a blanket? You seem cold.
5:48
Would you like a blanket? They're not just normal
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pox. They're small. They're so small you won't
5:53
even notice. Because no one's going to say anything.
5:56
Right, because they're small. I mean, if they
5:58
were big pox, I think people would be more upset.
6:00
Well, now, isn't that what you're asking them
6:02
to call you is big pox? I like it when they call
6:05
me big poxy. Yeah. I thought so. I'm confused
6:08
on what you're doing. Are you going dressed as
6:11
maybe a cowboy or an early settler? Or are you
6:13
going dressed as a 1990s rapper? Maybe a mix
6:18
of the both? Maybe a little bit of a mix. Maybe
6:20
I'm Pilgrim up top, rapper down bottom. Okay.
6:23
I was thinking more like Christopher Columbus
6:24
with a grill. You know, both types of people
6:26
really changed America. Yeah, I 100 % agree.
6:29
Yeah. A little bit of heroes in their own rights.
6:32
What's one of your favorite things Columbus did?
6:34
You ever heard of a little thing called slavery?
6:36
Yeah. Not my favorite. Okay, okay, okay. There's
6:44
a little misdirection there. Because that didn't
6:46
answer Alan's question at all. I just wanted
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to make sure he knew that wasn't my favorite.
6:50
My favorite thing was sailing. I just like a
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little maritime. A little maritime action. You
6:57
like anybody that has three boats. At least,
7:01
yeah. Because, you know, a guy with one boat.
7:04
Everybody has one boat. Everybody's got it. You
7:06
don't want to be friends with that guy. Two boats.
7:09
Seems like he's got something to prove. Three.
7:12
Now we're talking. Now you're proven. That's
7:13
an exploratory mission. Now you can get somewhere.
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And you can discover some land at this point.
7:19
And you can just name things the same thing that
7:22
other things are already named. Yeah. Yeah, you
7:24
just put old in front of it. Yeah, old or west.
7:29
Now let me ask you this. So usually these data
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centers are landlocked, which generally speaking,
7:34
in the most general sense, in the most vague
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sense, makes sailing difficult. You're not wrong.
7:40
You have three boats, apparently. The Nina, the
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Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Oh, you called them
7:44
the exact same thing as Columbus. You just kind
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of ripped that off. He's a fan. I know what I
7:48
like. Okay, okay, okay. How are you sailing to
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these landlocked locations to then eradicate
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the native data center workers? I'm just going
7:56
to have this 18 -wheeler drive them around, you
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know, get to the land, maybe do some cool maneuvers.
8:02
That way we can fire cannon fodder off the right
8:04
side. Oh, you have cannons on these. Are these
8:05
classic wooden ships or are these just like more
8:07
modern ships? These are wooden ships. Okay, okay.
8:10
They're classic wooden ships. Era appropriate.
8:11
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I'm not going to
8:13
disrespect Christopher Columbus's memory with
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some metal. Just iron. Columbus classically only
8:24
liked wood. Just pure wood. Maybe a good maple.
8:29
Now, are you on the front of these boats that
8:32
are on these 18 -wheelers, leg up on the... The
8:35
front of the ship. I don't know ship terms. Is
8:37
that the bow? That's the bow. Okay. Leg up on
8:40
the bow, just letting the breeze roll through
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as you look at the land you're about to take.
8:45
I would not be a good conqueror, explorer, whatever
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you want to call Christopher. Chris, as I call
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him. Oh, okay. If I was not leading the charge
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for my men. Sure, absolutely. You have men, too.
8:58
Okay. There's more people involved in this. Well,
9:00
somebody's got to drive the 18 -wheelers. Oh,
9:01
okay. And, of course, I'm going to be up there.
9:05
Always flapping in the wind. With an eyeglass.
9:07
A spyglass just peering off to the west, seeing
9:11
what I can see. It's always the west. I think
9:14
for Columbus it always was. It always was, yeah.
9:16
He's coming from Europe, right? Sure, okay, okay.
9:18
So it's kind of confusing to those 18 -wheeler
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drivers when they pull up to the west of the
9:23
land, and you're still looking west. You're like,
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I don't know where we are. Where are we right
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now? There's a whole battle going on behind me
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to the east, and I am oblivious to it. You're
9:34
like, this is really boring. I expect there to
9:36
be more fighting here. You're like, are we winning
9:39
right now? Is this what victory is? Just... Ignorance
9:43
is bliss, I guess. Are the ships tied down to
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the 18 -wheelers? Or is it just kind of loose
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on the flatbeds? The thing is, 1800s... When
9:53
was... 1400s. I was close. Sure. Chrissy, if
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you will. He didn't have straps. No, he didn't.
10:00
He wasn't strapped down to the ocean. No, he
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wasn't. Why am I going to be strapped down to
10:04
an 18 -wheeler driving a boat trailer? Yeah.
10:08
That 18 -wheeler has to go very slow. He takes
10:11
too hard of a turn. So are you actually dropping
10:14
these boats in the water? Like, are you looking
10:16
for a ramp to float in? If I can find water,
10:19
sure. What I like to do is I just like to pump
10:22
it into my own personal lake. Okay, you have
10:24
a personal lake. That's actually pretty impressive.
10:26
It's turning into an ocean or a river, kind of
10:29
forming some new geography within the city. Really
10:33
causing different land masses to move. Yeah.
10:37
Terraforming the area. Yeah, it's kind of nice.
10:39
So I'm thinking eventually, you know, I can get
10:42
these ships in there. And then once this lake
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carves a new path and becomes a river and floods
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some local farmland, then I can get the ships
10:50
out of here. That makes sense. Maybe, you know,
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just see where gravity takes me. Have you ever
10:54
thought about doing it more manually? Maybe not
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waiting for Mother Nature to kind of steer the
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rivers to new locations. Maybe getting workers,
11:03
paid or not, to maybe just dig. the channels
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to locations you may want to go and just slowly
11:09
drift behind the people working. Is your ships,
11:13
your three ships lined up? right behind each
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other. Just bow to stern, bow to stern. Just
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bumping each other forward. Watching these people
11:21
dig with shovels. Yeah, I mean, hey. But you're
11:23
right up close to it. Yeah, you're right there.
11:26
It's just mere feet between you and the workers.
11:29
The flow of the water, yeah. You can't help it.
11:31
I mean, it sounds like a good idea. Again, not
11:33
huge into the slavery thing, as I mentioned earlier.
11:36
We never said slavery. I don't think that word
11:37
ever came out. You're the only one that brought
11:38
that up. Indentured servitude? Sure. Oh, okay.
11:41
I mean, hey, man's gotta eat, you know? And that's
11:45
me, my man. Sure. I think Columbus actually said
11:50
that when he landed. I think he did. I mean,
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Big Poxy definitely did. Big Poxy. You've got
11:55
these wooden era appropriate boats. A lot of
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the times they had a figure mounted to the stern
12:01
of the boat or the bow of the boat. The bowsprit.
12:05
What figurehead is there on these boats? I've
12:08
got a little Elon Musk. just holding a rocket.
12:12
Now, by little Elon Musk, is it just a little
12:15
person dressed up as Elon Musk? Of course it
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is. I don't know how to woodwork. He's just crudely
12:22
tied up to the front. yep right right in front
12:26
of a little what used to be a mermaid um he's
12:28
just tied up to that mermaid bowsprit and you
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know he's screaming he's screaming uh dressed
12:35
up like elon got a little protruding belly and
12:38
just holding some rockets and oh i forgot about
12:41
the rockets yeah A little Tesla electric car.
12:44
He's like, look at all my money. Now, is he holding
12:47
the electric car? It's a figurine. Oh, okay,
12:50
okay. Rocket in one hand, Tesla in the other.
12:53
This is kind of biblical. It's kind of like the
12:58
olive branch and the eagle's foot. Right. It
13:01
means something. It means something. I don't
13:03
know what it means. It's funny that somebody
13:03
who's trying so hard to take over maybe his data
13:06
center, you're using his image. On your boats?
13:11
Yeah, that's some psychological warfare right
13:13
there. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of a, I gotcha.
13:16
Yeah. Gotcha, Elon. Gotcha. I'm sure the data
13:20
centers know you're coming by the wailing and
13:22
screaming of these little Elon musks. And the
13:24
gnashing of teeth. Yeah. It's no surprise. I
13:27
mean, especially with the giant wooden boat.
13:29
And the fact that it takes months to dig out
13:32
the trenches to let the ships get near, even
13:34
anywhere near the land, you know? Yeah, they
13:36
see you coming from miles away. They have time
13:38
to plan. But honestly, how do you plan for this?
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I mean, imagine, imagine months in advance, off
13:45
in the distance, workers digging out trenches,
13:48
water filling behind them as they go. Three large
13:51
wooden ships, Evans on the bow, leg up. Not like
13:55
kicking, but like, you know, like Captain Morgan
13:58
style up on the boat. Wailing little person in
14:02
a suit. George Washington over the Delaware up
14:05
there on the... Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly
14:07
like that. But I think there's an easy answer
14:10
for the data centers here, and I don't mean to
14:12
give them ideas. Just burn the boats. The boats
14:14
aren't going anywhere. The boats can only go
14:17
as fast as the bond servants can dig. Sure. We
14:24
don't like giving them titles. We don't like
14:25
to name things. Titles are what did the Confederacy
14:28
in. Titles elicit, give them meaning. We don't
14:33
want to do that. That's rough. Yeah, burning,
14:37
I think, is a good way. That's a simple solution
14:39
here. My thinking was, there is no legal clause
14:44
where they go, we can definitely do this to stop
14:48
them. So they're just looking. I mean, they could
14:50
burn it, but they're like, is this legal? That's
14:52
arson. That's my property. That is your property.
14:54
She's arsoning my property. Yeah. I think that's
14:56
special, Evan. I think that's a great way to
14:58
protest. Thank you. It sends a message. Let me
15:01
tell you, who's going to get the point across?
15:04
Somebody with a sign saying no data centers?
15:08
Or Evan conquering some land? Yeah, but I think
15:12
I've gotten a taste for power. I think I'm going
15:16
to keep it. That sucks. Yeah, I think historically
15:18
that's how it's always been. Yeah. Yeah, it tailors
15:21
all this time and I like it. And then satellite
15:23
images from, you know, maybe Google Earth is
15:26
just going to have a bunch of just channels throughout
15:29
the United States. And one of them is going to
15:31
be like, it's going one direction and then it
15:33
just cuts back because like you're, you were
15:35
like, oh, shoot. I went the wrong direction.
15:39
I think that's good. I think that's a great way
15:41
to get your point across. The fact that other
15:42
people have not done that really shows that they
15:44
don't care. Yeah. Really, you see the other protesters
15:46
and they're like, do you really care? Yeah. Why
15:49
aren't you building data center? I mean, you've
15:51
given us just an everyman solution to this situation.
15:55
Yeah, absolutely. Anyone can do it. Anyone can
15:57
do it. Get three wooden ships and build channels
16:00
everywhere. Shoot cannons, enslave. All right.
16:03
Hold on. Increase the workforce. Create jobs.
16:07
Yeah, exactly. Create jobs. Create employment.
16:09
Without increasing your payroll. Yeah. Keeping
16:13
the bottom line low. Yes. We'll gloss over the
16:17
midget thing. I don't even know how to twist
16:19
that into something. I don't think there's anything
16:20
good you can say about that. No. That's just
16:22
a you thing, though. He's done something poor,
16:24
and we're just going to have to overlook it.
16:26
We all have our vices. Oh. No, not like that,
16:31
though. No, okay, yeah. No, we're going to gloss
16:33
over that. No, that's not. I'm going to keep
16:34
talking over you so you can't give an excuse
16:37
to that. Very good. All right, Alan. You don't
16:41
want a business moving in. It can be a data center.
16:42
It can be anything. Absolutely not. And you feel
16:44
emotional. He just hates progress. That's right.
16:48
That's right. He needs progress. He is almost
16:51
like an Amish person. He just does nothing. You
16:53
want people to die of the common cold. Absolutely.
16:56
You don't want modes of transportation to have
16:58
wheels. Not a single wheel. Not a single wheel.
17:01
So... How do you protest a business coming in
17:04
the area that you just don't want coming in the
17:06
area? First off, I would protest any business.
17:09
A child's lemonade stand? I will be out there
17:12
protesting that. Asking for permits. Asking for
17:15
permits. I will be calling the police. Illegal
17:19
business here. But for data centers specifically,
17:22
these things require water, as Evan mentioned
17:25
earlier. I would just simply... remove the water
17:28
from the area but you're just following around
17:30
the guy with the hose looking for water and before
17:33
he arrives to the water source you're like oh
17:35
i got this this is you're feeling a It's sort
17:39
of like guerrilla warfare, kind of. You know,
17:41
we're hiding in the shadows. We're watching the
17:44
hydrologist, maybe? Okay. I'm sure that's who
17:48
they have on staff. That's a big word for a guerrilla.
17:51
Are you a guerrilla in this situation? Well,
17:54
it's a guerrilla warfare because that's who I've
17:55
hired. Oh, you've hired guerrillas. Got you.
17:57
Unlike Evan. who may or may not be paying his
18:00
people, I am actually hiring people that have
18:03
gorillas. Oh, okay. So you're not hiring the
18:05
gorillas specifically. The gorillas do not understand
18:08
currency. There is nothing this money can do
18:11
for them. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm going to zoos,
18:15
circus. and hiring those people to bring their
18:20
gorillas to help me just take the water from
18:23
the water table. Violently, I'm sure. Is it like
18:26
an efficient process? Like you have a water hose
18:29
that's kind of directly connected or is it like
18:32
you're filling up bucket by bucket from your
18:34
refrigerators? It's not efficient. We are, to
18:38
be honest, we're really struggling to get this
18:40
off the ground. We're siphoning water with cut
18:43
up water hoses. Oh man. And it takes quite a
18:47
bit of time. Because, I mean, you have to explain
18:48
this to a gorilla. Yeah, that's true. Your workforce
18:51
is a gorilla. Yeah, and they don't speak the
18:53
same language as we do. And you've tried all
18:55
the languages? I've tried at least two. Okay,
18:58
what two are those? English and Tagalog from
19:02
the Philippines. Ah, okay. I think that about
19:06
sums up all the languages. They don't understand
19:08
either one of those languages. There can't be
19:11
that many more languages. I don't think there
19:14
are. There just can't be. I have tried it English,
19:17
but with a British accent. Ah, yeah. Didn't work
19:20
either. Actually, I'm not quite positive they
19:23
have gorillas in the United Kingdom. So they
19:26
might just be unfamiliar with the dialect. Let
19:29
me ask you this. So you don't want any businesses
19:31
to move in, yet you rely on other businesses
19:34
to provide you the gorillas. How do you reconcile
19:36
that? Look, just because I don't want somebody
19:39
else to do something. doesn't mean I don't want
19:43
to do it myself. That's deep. Yeah, that's big.
19:47
I don't want somebody to go to the store, let's
19:50
say, and buy 10 gallons of milk at one time because
19:53
I want to do that. You want to buy 10 gallons
19:55
of milk? I want to get that milk. I want to drink
19:57
all that milk. In one sitting? Well, yeah. Okay.
20:01
And one sitting specifically, you're going to
20:03
have to do it sitting down because standing up
20:05
would be... I've got a lot to flush out. And
20:08
it's in the 90s outside. Hot, yeah. I thought
20:11
you meant a year. I was like, you're off by about
20:13
20 years. And I'm doing this all outdoors, you
20:17
know, when I'm chugging that milk. That's happening
20:18
outdoors. I'm not going to do it in the comfort
20:20
of an air -conditioned home. And why would you?
20:23
You know, data centers are going up. People can't
20:25
be comfortable. You can't be comfortable, right?
20:27
I mean, you're one with those people. Suffering
20:30
with suffering. the other suffering. And that's
20:31
how I keep my gorillas working for me is I pay
20:35
them in milk. Oh, that's interesting. I didn't
20:37
know... A little bit of currency exchange there.
20:39
A little dairy currency, yeah. I didn't know
20:41
gorillas liked milk. Do they like... They don't.
20:44
Okay, okay. That makes sense. That's just what
20:47
I told their owners that they were going to be
20:49
receiving. Not great owners, by the way. No,
20:51
not good owners. The owners should know. Not
20:53
a good owner. Should know that. Let me ask you
20:56
this. The mechanics of it, of collecting the
20:59
water. I think Evan kind of asked this. How are
21:02
you going about collecting the water? Are you
21:04
just kind of going into people's houses, you
21:05
know, the fridges that have the water tap in
21:08
them? Are you just bringing a gorilla and just
21:10
holding the water for a long period of time,
21:13
just wasting as much water as possible? We are
21:16
going in door -to -door style, SWAT team raiding
21:19
a house, me and the gorillas. The chaos that
21:22
happens. to have. I was thinking door -to -door
21:24
Mormon, but you're going door -to -door SWAT
21:26
team. Yeah, you having gorillas come through
21:27
windows and... Turn on faucets. You know, we
21:31
had kind of toyed with either method. And I think
21:35
it just came down to the SWAT team aspect of
21:38
raiding the house is going to be more efficient
21:40
than doing it like a Mormon would going to the
21:44
door. Most people hide from the Mormons when
21:46
they come to the door. And with your method,
21:47
they can't hide. You can't hide from a SWAT team.
21:50
Because you're coming in. Yes. And even if they
21:52
find the water, they will also find you. Yeah.
21:55
Yeah. It sends a message, for sure, that you're
21:58
serious about this. I do feel like the SWAT team
22:00
method is more conducive to the attitude of a
22:03
gorilla as well. For sure. I mean, imagine. Who
22:06
are you going to take more seriously, Evan? Are
22:07
you going to take a gorilla dressed in a white
22:09
button -up and a black tie knocking on your door?
22:12
Or are you going to take a gorilla that's dressed
22:15
up in a SWAT uniform, helmet, tack helmet on,
22:18
night vision goggles? It's bright outside. They're
22:20
not able to see much. And it can have caffeine,
22:23
too. Yeah, it can have caffeine too. You're a
22:33
great boss. Where was I? Or are you taking the
22:40
gorilla, busting your door down, then busting
22:44
a nut? A gorilla can bust on me. I'm really trying
22:52
to recruit my train of thought here. The gorilla
22:54
busting down your door. and they have like full
22:57
tack gear they have an m4 you give them guns
22:59
yeah yeah they all have they all have a government
23:02
issued sidearm i'm the government who are you
23:07
taking more seriously in this situation yeah
23:08
i mean i gotta say while it's very close just
23:12
because a gorilla dressed up in a white shirt
23:14
and a black tie kind of sounds pretty funny but
23:16
i see the humor in it i get it i do get it but
23:21
I mean a gorilla coming at me with an M4 and
23:23
government -issued weapon. And caffeinated. And
23:26
his finger is trigger -happy. Amen. He's got
23:29
a trigger finger. And see, here's the thing.
23:31
If we were going about it door -to -door Mormon
23:33
style, it's just two people. Yeah. And their
23:36
equipment would be bikes. And, yeah, the Mormon
23:39
Bible. Yeah, yeah. I mean, so all those are useless
23:42
things. A bike's pretty useful. The bike's useful.
23:52
Not to a 300 -pound gorilla. Anywho. I would
23:58
like to see if the gorilla's on the bike. I'm
24:00
changing my answer. Can we actually get both
24:02
scenarios just to play out? Yeah, I'm changing
24:04
my answer. When the gorillas go in as a SWAT
24:08
team, I've got a minimum of five. raiding that
24:11
house one of them is wearing a 55 gallon drum
24:15
on his back and he is just he's the tank he's
24:18
just the water guy yeah you call him the camel
24:20
i call him the camel and they're all like get
24:22
the water get the water and then he like backs
24:24
up to the fridge and it's just like a little
24:26
piss yeah coming out waiting for 55 gallons there's
24:30
shots going on screaming from the household owners
24:33
and you've got you've got the gorilla with the
24:37
with the drum and then you've got the the other
24:39
one, another one with a hose and he is just,
24:42
he's, it's just a three foot length of hose and
24:44
he is siphoning any water he can and spitting
24:47
it into that, that, uh, that tub. And then you've
24:51
got their leader who they just, Oh, you're not
24:54
the leader. Okay. I'm not the leader. I'm, I'm
24:55
like watching it from like home base kind of.
24:58
Oh, okay. You have surveillance. Every leader
25:01
of the unit is just, they just call him the Sarge.
25:03
Yes, sir. Of course. And is he a gorilla too?
25:06
He's actually a man dressed as a gorilla. Oh,
25:08
okay. You do need... I mean, we need oversight
25:11
on these teams. And the gorillas, they're like
25:15
enlisted men, you know? Yeah. We need... Even,
25:18
I guess, a sergeant would be an enlisted man,
25:20
too. And you think it's safer for a man that's
25:22
willing to dress as a gorilla and break into
25:24
people's homes to oversee everything? You think
25:27
that's safe? Yeah, I think so. Okay, okay. Man
25:30
on the brink of sanity. Yeah, yeah. The guy's
25:32
holding it together. That's right. That's right.
25:34
And the other two, I mean, you know, they just...
25:36
They're more the guns -a -blazin' guys. They're
25:38
just two gorillas that are a little too trigger
25:41
-happy. Yeah, you give them plenty of ammo, too.
25:43
Yeah. I mean, Evan can kind of follow me along
25:45
here with this, and we don't want to bust your
25:47
bubble. Or your nut. Or your nut. We don't want
25:49
to do either of those. I don't see that happening.
25:53
He's too stout. But I just want to question the
26:04
logistics of this. You do realize each home doesn't
26:06
have its own, like, just water tank. That it's
26:09
from the city with a possible infinite amount
26:12
of water. Sure. You do know that. Okay, so are
26:15
the gorillas just there permanently now? People
26:17
are just living with gorillas there just constantly
26:19
using the water? Well, I'm afraid that every
26:22
citizen is going to start a business. Sure. And
26:24
if I have gorillas living in this home, there's
26:27
not a citizen living in that home. Yeah. And
26:30
so that's one less. person starting up a business
26:34
in this town and if as we've said if there's
26:36
one thing i hate the most it's people starting
26:38
a business entrepreneurs right as long as there's
26:41
gorillas in that house they are not going to
26:43
start a business they work for me so when the
26:45
gorillas come in the citizens are moving out
26:48
or are they living cohabitantly with the gorillas
26:51
i wouldn't say cohabitating necessarily the gorillas
26:55
are now the the owners of the home oh they're
26:57
living under oppression yes yes it's like a prisoner
27:02
of war camp yeah yeah barbed wire fences so really
27:05
you wanting all the water was just your way into
27:09
these houses it's the my real estate game It
27:12
can be a multi -pronged approach. You can do
27:14
two things, solve the data centers and solve
27:17
any future data centers. Yeah, that's exactly
27:19
right. I like that. If you want to get results,
27:22
you've got to do hard things. You've got to go
27:26
out. You've got to try and find. You've got to
27:29
source those gorillas. You've got to go and talk
27:31
to them. And then train them, probably. Yeah,
27:33
yeah. You've got to train them. Not well, but
27:35
you've got to train them, though. You got to
27:38
make sure they don't speak Tagalog. That is very
27:42
true. They do not go to the Philippines. You
27:44
know, I'm interested in linguistics. Can you
27:46
give us a sentence in Tagalog? No. Nope. Okay.
27:52
I get it. It's a secret language, lots of code
27:55
words. You don't want us in on your gig here,
27:58
so that makes sense. Yeah, the only time I've
28:00
actually ever heard it is from the Jason Bourne
28:03
movie where they go to the Philippines. Yeah,
28:05
yeah. And even then, I was still not quite sure
28:08
what I was listening to. Yeah, you're going to
28:11
base a whole structure off of this. Jason Bourne
28:14
movie. Half a Jason Bourne movie. I think that's
28:17
good. Causing a question. everybody else's motivation.
28:20
Yeah, for sure. So mine, I chose a data center
28:22
too. I think it's just topical. You know, everybody's
28:24
kind of upset about that. Y 'alls are complex
28:26
and there's nothing wrong with complexity. Mine
28:29
is more elegant. I have some more finesse in
28:32
what I will do to stop any businesses starting,
28:34
but specifically data centers. And that's frame
28:37
the boss, the leader of those data centers for
28:39
crimes. Wait, is there like a specific crime?
28:42
Or just all crimes? Thank you for asking that
28:44
because that's where I was going next. Yeah,
28:46
it's specific crimes. And it's funny that you
28:48
are also tapping into the zoo system. I am also
28:52
tapping into the zoo system. I'm going to frame
28:54
the local data center leader for stealing the
28:57
beloved elephant of our city. Okay. I'm going
29:00
to steal the elephant because he's not stealing
29:02
the elephant. I'm stealing the elephant, but
29:04
I'm going to frame him for it. So I'm going to
29:06
take the elephant from the zoo. Okay. And then
29:08
make it seem like he did it. Now, I know your
29:11
next question. You don't have to ask. How? How
29:13
are you framing him? And that's collecting his
29:15
DNA. Can I further ask how? Yes. We'll continue
29:19
dissecting this as much as possible. Okay. But
29:22
as you know, DNA is by far the best piece of
29:25
evidence that can come up in court. If you have
29:28
DNA and you're the defendant in court, you're
29:30
screwed, right? That's just how it is. So that's
29:33
what I do. How I collect DNA. Simple. Sample?
29:36
Simple. Yes, sample. Sample. Simple. I pretend
29:42
to be a bathroom attendant. And you have the
29:43
clothes because you are a bathroom attendant?
29:45
Yes. Just not at this specific establishment?
29:47
Yeah. I've fallen onto heavy times. I'm looking
29:50
for any job available. I am a bathroom attendant,
29:52
but I'm also pretending to be a bathroom attendant.
29:55
It's method acting. Yes. Which is, if you have
29:59
a job, it's also good to pretend you also have
30:01
that job. Sure. I pretend to be a bathroom attendant.
30:05
You know, I have the black pants, white shirt,
30:08
vest. Do they wear hats? I think it's up to the
30:10
bathroom attendant. Okay, I wear a hat. What
30:13
kind of hat? A do -rag. And I pretend to be the
30:16
bathroom attendant. And as the leader, or whoever
30:19
I'm trying to frame, is urinating, I will say
30:21
there is a mandatory pubic check to see what
30:26
level of bush this person has. Like George? Yes.
30:30
Senior or junior? It doesn't matter. I'm just
30:34
seeing what level, you know, it's a pubic hair
30:37
check. It's mandatory. Y 'all been to a bathroom
30:40
with a mandatory. Is it like you're checking
30:41
for lice? Sure. Okay. So you're not specific
30:45
about what you're checking for? You're just checking
30:48
in general? Yeah, we're just seeing. Thank you
30:51
for asking that, Alan, because I've been through
30:52
many pubic checks in my day, and I just never
30:55
really understood what they were for. I kind
30:57
of just let it happen. Yeah. See, that's what
31:00
I'm hoping. The leader of the data center, the
31:02
boss of the data center will also do. He'll just
31:04
let it happen because it's mandatory. That's
31:06
what I'm saying. I'm saying it's mandatory. And
31:08
we've all been through a mandatory people care
31:10
check. Sure. So I will tell him this. I will
31:13
say you can continue to use the restroom as I
31:15
do this. I don't want to inconvenience you. Wow.
31:18
And you know what they say. Act like you know
31:20
what you're doing and people will let you do
31:21
anything. Be confident. Yeah. I am confident.
31:24
Right? I come in there. Weirdly confident. Weirdly
31:27
confident. You've got your sleeves rolled up.
31:30
Yeah. Like this isn't the first time you've done
31:33
it. I have a name tag that says pubic hair checker.
31:36
I look official. PHC. Yeah. And I take tweezers
31:42
and I, you know, take my DNA sample. Just write
31:44
out just a couple of them. More than one? You
31:49
want to make sure you get the sample. I'm serious,
31:52
Alan. In case you lose one. Sure. Yeah, I'm not
31:54
putting them in a bag. I'm just kind of sticking
31:56
them in my pocket. One for pleasure, one for
31:58
business. I do giggle on the pleasure one. This
32:06
is a tee -hee. Tee -hee. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah,
32:08
yeah. Just like that. Gotcha poops. Have you
32:18
done one of my pubic hair checks? That's almost
32:20
exactly it. Yeah, I learned from you. Yeah, and
32:26
then you know that sometimes the tweezers, it's
32:28
just too slow. Yeah. It's just slow. So I just
32:33
grab a fistful and yank. I just say, you know
32:36
what? Let's speed this process up. Let's expedite
32:40
this process. Just a fistful and I just yank.
32:42
I just stick it in my pocket and leave. It doesn't
32:45
always come out the first yank. No. Sometimes
32:48
it's like starting a lawnmower. Oh. Yank him
32:51
into the urinal. Yeah, it's messy because he's
32:55
still peeing. Let me ask you this. Is he still
32:58
standing by the time this is over with? Sometimes.
33:01
Sometimes. Sometimes he's on the ground on his
33:04
back and I, you know, put a foot on his chest.
33:06
Okay. And I just, you know, like I'm starting
33:08
a weed whacker. Sounds like the beginning of
33:12
a SVU episode. Yeah, but nobody's called. No
33:16
police are called. This is official. And I get
33:19
my sample that way. The town's elephant. Oh,
33:22
that's right. There's a town's elephant part.
33:24
Just kind of circling back to that, you're stealing
33:28
this from the zoo? The local zoo, yeah. So is
33:31
it like the plot to Smoking the Bandit 2 where
33:34
they load it up in an 18 -wheeler and take it
33:36
somewhere? Oh, an 18 -wheeler would have been
33:37
a good idea. You had a different plan. Yeah,
33:40
I had a different plan. I was just going to use
33:42
roller skates. Okay. On the elephant or on you?
33:45
On me. It's kind of whimsical. I like it. You're
33:49
just balancing it. Yeah. Pocket full of hair.
33:52
You know. I'm going to wear roller skates. I'm
33:56
going to put those, you know those when you move,
33:58
like house to house, you know when you move.
34:00
They have those things you put under big furniture.
34:03
Furniture dollies. There you go. Furniture dollies.
34:05
I put those on the elephant. We just kind of,
34:07
I kind of scoot just kind of down the road. It's
34:10
not great now that I'm thinking about it. No.
34:12
lot of a lot of witnesses yeah a lot of witnesses
34:15
but it is kind of romantic you know just skating
34:17
down it is is kind of romantic i don't push i
34:19
just grab the trunk and kind of pull but you
34:22
do it at night too so i mean it kind of it limits
34:24
the amount of people seeing you but it probably
34:25
also makes it a little bit more difficult because
34:27
of the size of the animal yeah yeah i should
34:30
have chosen a different animal in retrospect
34:32
does the town have like multiple favorite animals
34:35
no it's just the elephant just the elephant it's
34:37
just in fact that's all that's in the zoo okay
34:39
yeah it's um It's kind of a lame zoo. It doesn't
34:43
really sound like much of a zoo, just like an
34:44
exhibit. Why does the town love it so much? Is
34:49
it native? It's because it's the only thing there.
34:50
Oh, okay, okay. They don't have a lot of options.
34:52
They didn't have any other choice but to love
34:54
it. Yeah, it's the favorite because it's the
34:56
only one. But yeah, I just kind of roller skate
34:58
him away, and then I plant pubic hair all over
35:01
the exhibit. It seemed like a dog shedding. and
35:10
just shedding pubic hair all over an exhibit.
35:13
Why would any cop think that? I look like an
35:23
Italian person spreading some Parmesan cheese.
35:25
I'm just sprinkling it everywhere. The cops think
35:31
he just got chemo done or something. He's just
35:34
losing all his hair. Yeah, yeah. You know, plenty
35:40
of DNA with that. Plenty of DNA. Plenty of questions.
35:43
Lots of questions, but they at least have a starting
35:46
point, you know? Yeah. They'll obviously go question
35:49
him. Oh, yeah, we're doing a data center thing.
35:51
Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot that. I caught up on
35:54
that. You're taking it down from the top, though,
35:56
where Evan and I, we were more fighting the fight
35:59
in the trenches. You're fighting... You were
36:02
fighting the establishment. Like you were, you
36:04
know, the whole thing. You're just going to take
36:06
it down from the top. If the CEO's gone, the
36:09
data center doesn't move forward, which I like.
36:11
It's probably a simpler way to go about it. That's
36:13
what I said. It's more elegant, a little more
36:15
finesse to it. When I say finesse, don't think
36:17
back to how I was just yanking full fist of hair
36:19
out. Not a lot of finesse there, but the logic
36:22
of it. Do you offer them a mint? Like after?
36:25
Yes, absolutely. It's on like a little pan. Okay.
36:28
You know, like a little silver platter thing.
36:33
A half -smoked cigarette? Oh, yeah. That's right.
36:37
I smoked it before. A little something to take
36:40
the edge off. But that's what I do. That's what
36:43
I do to protest a data center or any other business
36:46
go up. So, you know, if you have a business that
36:49
I don't like, would you like a mint? Drop your
36:53
pants. You need a check. Oh, yeah. But there
36:59
you go, people. For all the people that don't
37:00
like the data centers going up or any other business
37:02
going up, you can take our advice, take what
37:04
we would do to protest it and then do that. And
37:07
I think that would probably really go well for
37:09
you. I mean, having a picket sign, not going
37:12
to do anything. Obviously, data centers are going
37:14
up. It's not working. It's a waste of time. Right?
37:16
As we know, these hypotheticals, you don't have
37:18
to do any of this. Not like the advice. Right.
37:20
Yeah. But we are giving you a leg up. We are
37:23
giving, yeah, we're giving you the secrets. So
37:26
don't be complaining that your mayor is not responding
37:29
to your emails about the new data center. There's
37:32
other options we've provided. Don't try to get
37:34
legislation passed. It's too slow. Too slow.
37:37
Just do what we did. Do what we did. And speaking
37:41
of things you have to do legally and you don't
37:44
have to do legally, there are some people that
37:46
need advice. And as the three wisest people on
37:48
this planet, famously the three wisest people
37:51
on this planet, we're going to give some people
37:53
some much needed life advice. I need help. Somebody
38:02
is in need of our help. Who do you have writing
38:04
to us? This is a tough one, guys. This is from
38:07
a guy named Kyle. Kyle says, my girlfriend has
38:10
bad breath. Woof. How do I tell her nicely enough
38:14
that she needs to go see a dentist? It's not
38:16
really poor hygiene or anything, but I'm pretty
38:19
sure she's got a rotting tooth or something,
38:23
and I can't kiss her without being grossed out
38:25
at how bad her breath is. What do I do? That's
38:29
tough. Kyle, first of all, the fact that you're
38:31
staying with somebody with a rotten tooth, you
38:33
know, I think breaking up is, that advice is
38:35
too simple. What would y 'all do to maybe keep
38:38
this relationship together while also solving
38:41
the bad breath issue for his girlfriend? Kyle,
38:44
I think the easiest way to get somebody, to bring
38:47
something to anybody's attention is accountability.
38:51
Absolutely. So what I would suggest for you is,
38:54
Kyle, you should rot one of your own teeth. Maybe
38:57
just eat a bunch of onions, loads of sugar, just
39:00
concentrate on one tooth and really just whittle
39:03
away at that tooth and make sure that, oh, it
39:06
just gets so stinky. Make sure you can't stand
39:11
yourself because of how bad it is. Maybe you
39:13
breathe on a mirror or something and you kind
39:16
of see the mirror start to crack. Then she'll
39:19
have to hold you accountable and be like, hey,
39:20
I think you got something going on. You'll be
39:23
like, oh, okay, we can go to the dentist together.
39:25
Ah, there you go. It's a relationship thing.
39:28
It's like, you know. And it'll only make you
39:30
strong. It'll make you weaker, but it'll make
39:32
your relationship stronger. There you go. Yeah.
39:34
Because you're risking infection, of course,
39:36
with that. Right. Yeah. Heart issues and stuff
39:37
like that. So get it looked at, but only after
39:41
she brings it up. Make it seem like it was her
39:44
idea. There you go. Exactly. Honestly, a fantastic
39:49
answer. Yeah. It's foolproof. Make her hold you
39:52
accountable. Yeah. Don't hold her accountable.
39:54
Don't hold her accountable. That's great. Alan,
39:56
Kyle has an issue. What would you do to solve
39:58
it? that issue for him kyle what i would say
40:01
start slipping listerine in to your girlfriend's
40:05
beverages um just start start calling it things
40:08
like a mixed drink you know um maybe when she's
40:13
asleep just open her mouth and just start pouring
40:16
listerine down it yeah she's gonna wake up kind
40:19
of choking a little bit because nobody can drink
40:21
in their sleep yeah roll over real quick oh real
40:24
quick you're faking asleep yeah you're faking
40:26
asleep you were asleep the whole time yeah And
40:28
then you roll over and you're like, hey, is everything
40:31
okay? And she's spitting up Listerine. Yeah.
40:34
But her breath smells better. It does smell slightly
40:36
better, at least for the time being. Yeah. Again,
40:38
it's not a permanent solution, but it can be
40:41
a temporary solution for as long as you need.
40:44
A temporary solution done consistently is...
40:47
A permanent solution. Permanent temporary solution.
40:50
Yeah. Yeah, just start filling every beverage
40:53
she has with Listerine. Eventually, she'll probably
40:56
crave it. Yeah, she won't even notice it at some
40:58
point. Just slowly add a little bit more to each
41:01
drink until basically that's all she's drinking
41:03
is Listerine. I think that's fantastic. I think,
41:08
you know, going straight to the source. If she
41:10
has bad breath, solve the bad breath with Minty.
41:14
flavors i think it's good um kyle uh i know at
41:18
the beginning of this i said that breaking up
41:19
with her is easy it's simple it's a hat you know
41:22
half measure i'm actually gonna give you the
41:25
advice to break up with her now i know there's
41:27
going to be a hole in your heart for a girlfriend
41:29
and while she has bad breath you don't you don't
41:33
have bad breath you are somebody with great dental
41:35
hygiene and every time you look in the mirror
41:38
And you look at your teeth and go, man, I have
41:40
great dental hygiene. I'm the girlfriend I always
41:43
wanted. Right? A girl with great dental hygiene.
41:47
So here's what you're going to do. Every time
41:49
you're in front of a mirror, you're going to
41:50
wear a wig. It's going to be a blonde wig. You're
41:52
going to have ample, ample bosoms when you're
41:55
in front of that mirror. I don't care what you
41:57
stick up your shirt. As long as they're ample.
41:59
Fool busted. Preach. And every time you're in
42:03
front of a mirror, you're going to see your girlfriend.
42:05
You're going to see you. The person you always
42:07
wanted. When you're not in front of a mirror,
42:09
you're you. You're just Kyle. You're just Kyle.
42:12
But the moment you walk in front of a mirror,
42:14
put the getup on, have full conversations with
42:17
her. You. Figure out how you're going to phrase
42:19
that. Look in the mirror and say things like,
42:22
what are we? Can we talk? How is this relationship
42:27
progressing? And this doesn't matter where the
42:30
mirror is. In your home bathroom? In a restaurant
42:32
bathroom? Any reflective surface? Any reflective
42:35
surface. You become your girlfriend. She's always
42:39
with you that way. She'll never leave you. She
42:41
has great dental hygiene. And don't go further
42:44
than that. Don't. Anything else would be weird.
42:47
Anything else would be weird, especially in public.
42:50
You limit your girlfriend to kissing her. That's
42:53
just... Limit it at kissing. Please. In public.
42:57
In your own bathroom. I don't care what you're
43:00
rubbing on. It doesn't matter to me. What? What
43:03
do you mean? What do you mean what he's rubbing
43:06
on? What he's rubbing on. Whatever he's planning
43:08
on doing to his girlfriend. Just don't do it
43:10
in public. Okay. I don't know what's happening
43:13
anymore. But that's my advice to you, Kyle. Become
43:16
your girlfriend. The girl you've always wanted.
43:18
Somebody with great dental hygiene. Kyle, we
43:20
need to remind you that legally you have to do
43:22
one of these. You can pick each one, whichever
43:25
one you want. We recommend you do all three.
43:27
Yes, you can cross -dress in mirrors. Become
43:30
your own girlfriend. You can make her hold you
43:32
accountable. Yes. After you're cross -dressing
43:35
in the mirror. Or you can slowly force her to
43:37
drink Listerine. Which is a very funny concept
43:41
to yourself. Until... Until that's the only thing
43:45
that she wants to drink and the scent problem
43:47
is solved. Yeah. Yeah. You will have a really,
43:50
really good breath. Yeah, you will have a very
43:53
good breath. A great relationship. So there you
43:56
go, Kyle. You have to pick one of them legally.
43:58
Otherwise, we will be serving you with lawsuit
44:00
papers. Our final piece of advice is coming from
44:03
Samantha. Now, Samantha says, went clubbing yesterday,
44:07
got drunk, danced with a couple of people, and
44:09
we talked for a while afterwards. I've been looking
44:11
forward to making new friends. So we exchanged
44:13
numbers and I very enthusiastically told them
44:16
to text me if they want to hang out. Now that
44:19
I'm sober, I realize I only vibed with them because
44:22
I was drunk and now don't know how to get out
44:26
of this situation. I do not want to hang out
44:28
with these people. Very, very relatable. So how
44:30
would you help Samantha here kind of get out
44:32
of these social predicaments that she's in? I
44:36
think she should just move. The safest way for
44:38
these people not to come in contact with you
44:41
or you to run into them ever again is to move,
44:44
I don't know, maybe two states over. Yeah. It's
44:47
unlikely that they'll, I mean, you'll for sure
44:50
go get drunk at a club in that new state, but
44:54
it's unlikely you'll run into those same two
44:56
people. Sure. Would you maybe suggest moving
44:59
them? You could do a force relocate. Yeah, just
45:02
force relocate them into another state. They're
45:05
a crocodile that got into your legs. Exactly.
45:08
Exactly. So, I mean, if that's the case, I would
45:11
say, yes, text them to meet up and hang out,
45:15
kidnap them, move them. I mean, probably more
45:18
than two states over. You probably want to do
45:20
four at minimum. And yeah, just kind of leave
45:23
them in a new town. Maybe they'll restart their
45:25
lives there. Yeah. Do you leave the tape over
45:28
their eyes and their hands bound like a crocodile
45:31
that was relocated? I think it's the safest bet
45:34
to do that. Let somebody else do that. Because
45:36
they're going to... They're going to be upset.
45:37
Yeah, and you worry that they might try and follow
45:40
you. Somebody with their hands tied and blindfolded
45:44
is not somebody that's going to be following
45:46
you, I don't think. Yeah, that's true. You could
45:47
do the old cut it and run. Yeah, that's true.
45:50
You could, yeah. But you're not a graceful runner,
45:52
I've got to say. No, no, no. It would be like
45:55
the Johnny Depp. Pirates of the Caribbean run
45:57
after you cut it. Arms flailing. Yeah, yeah,
46:00
yeah. Running with my arms kind of thing, it's
46:02
not as helpful as you think. Especially while
46:05
holding a knife. That seems dangerous. Yeah.
46:08
And one of my legs is shorter than the other,
46:10
so that makes running a problem in general. You
46:13
can't run in a straight line, essentially. You're
46:15
just running in a wide ellipse. Just zagging.
46:20
Yeah. I think that's good. There you go, Samantha.
46:24
So Alan's suggesting just move them out of the
46:26
same. Don't move. You can move. But an option
46:29
is also just pack their stuff up and move them
46:32
out of it. You could move them and move yourself.
46:34
Yeah. That would really seal the deal. Not the
46:36
same place, though. Different directions. Okay.
46:41
Evan, do you have any advice for Samantha and
46:44
her quandary with her new friends? Yeah, I do.
46:48
Samantha, I think what you got to do here. And
46:52
you guys know me. We've talked about it already,
46:54
even on this episode, that I don't like to take
46:56
responsibility for things. So I think we continue
47:00
that. And Samantha... Don't take responsibility
47:03
in this scenario as well either. So yeah, you
47:06
can go meet up and hang out with them, sure,
47:09
but maybe you just be the most boring, despicable
47:12
person you can be so it puts the onus on them
47:16
to never want to talk to you again. Be a terrible
47:19
person. Maybe talk about how much you love real
47:24
estate taxes. Yeah, just being taxed in general.
47:28
Just how much you love being taxed. You love
47:30
giving the government money. money now samantha
47:32
how much you support the patriarchy and whatnot
47:36
you thought the tea party in the early days of
47:38
the americas was the worst thing that could happen
47:40
yeah yeah you just didn't get it yeah and you
47:44
were like you we kind of just wasted a bunch
47:46
of tea it was a waste of tea you talk about how
47:48
you think we should probably still be under british
47:51
rules yeah lean really heavy into revolutionary
47:57
war specific topics and how that would have changed
48:01
our day -to -day now if the british won in fact
48:04
i think you should talk in the very monotone
48:07
voice as if you're watching a revolutionary documentary
48:09
bring gray black and white pictures and show
48:13
them to the people as if they're doing getting
48:15
a live reaction of a documentary maybe put the
48:19
pictures in close and move them slowly across
48:21
their vision as if they're watching a documentary
48:24
on the television. Maybe bring a boombox and
48:26
play Amazing Grace just in the background as
48:29
you talk about your revolutionary opinions in
48:33
the monotone voice. I can't emphasize the monotone
48:35
voice. I think that's the way you need to go.
48:37
Be as boring as possible. Yeah. Be as boring
48:39
as possible. We pruned the exterior there. We
48:43
got to the heart of it. I think that's good.
48:45
My advice to you, Samantha, is simple. And in
48:48
your email, I noticed the variables that you
48:52
gave us. And one was you really liked them when
48:55
you were intoxicated. And you really did not
48:57
like them when you were sober. There's an easy
49:01
solution to this, Samantha. Never be sober. constantly
49:04
be intoxicated. Yeah. And then you won't have
49:07
an issue with them because you'll love them all
49:09
the time because you will be constantly drunk.
49:11
I think that is the best way to go. I think then
49:14
you'll always want to hang out with them because
49:16
you are plastered. They'll have to carry you
49:19
around because you're going to take this to the
49:20
extreme. Yeah. You're not going to be able to
49:23
walk. And you'll never be hungover. I didn't
49:26
even think about that. Yeah, you'll never be
49:28
hungover. I would suggest take them on... Take
49:32
them on road trips. You're driving. Yeah, obviously.
49:35
They're drunk too. I think that's the easiest
49:39
solution. Alcoholism is the solution to a lot
49:41
of things now that I think about it. So always
49:43
be drunk. Eventually your liver will fail and
49:46
you'll get out of the whole situation. Yeah.
49:48
God will take you. Those people aren't following
49:52
you. Lord knows. So yeah, always be drunk. I
49:57
think that was the easiest solution to that.
49:59
And remember, Samantha, you have to do one of
50:00
these legally. You can do all of them. You have
50:02
to do one of them legally. But I hope Lewis,
50:04
Samantha, takes our advice and I hope it makes
50:08
their life better. And I'm sure it will because,
50:10
again, we're the wisest people out here. We see
50:12
things that other people can't see. We read between
50:14
the lines because we can't actually read the
50:16
lines because we're literate. But that's beside
50:17
the point. But there you go. We're going to end
50:19
this episode there. If you have a hypothetical
50:21
you would like us to answer, if you need advice
50:23
from the three wisest, people on this planet
50:26
i mean you saw the advice we just gave write
50:28
us in questionable detour at gmail .com that's
50:32
not the only way to listen to the questionable
50:33
detour podcast we have a patreon where you get
50:35
all the extra answers all the extra stuff right
50:38
there it's just five dollars a month and as we
50:41
always say cheaper than a boeing 747 but more
50:44
expensive than an onion was that what you said
50:46
last time that was what i said okay cheaper more
50:49
expensive than onion cheaper than a boeing 747
50:51
a day i haven't checked onion prices lately that
50:54
it Okay, well, put an asterisk by the onion price.
50:56
We don't know. It is onion season, so we might
50:59
need to adjust that math. Okay, okay. We'll check.
51:01
Yeah. We can edit this in post. Yeah. We'll edit
51:04
this in post. But as we end this episode, do
51:06
y 'all want to give everybody just a little more
51:08
wisdom? Un poco. Wisdom -o. That's another language
51:13
for you people out there. We're bilingual here.
51:15
What's a one -liner wisdom y 'all would give
51:17
the Saturday workers? You may like it when they
51:20
call you Big Poxy. But you'll probably also like
51:24
it when they have Munchausen by proxy. That's
51:31
great, Evan. Very applicable to everyday life.
51:34
Yeah. Alan, some wisdom for the Saturday workers.
51:37
They say that the light is brightest in the dark
51:41
of night, but the light is actually brightest
51:43
when you're in the interrogation room. Of a police
51:46
station. Sweat pouring down your face and you're
51:49
being accused of murder. Yeah. That is when the
51:51
light is bright. That light is really bright.
51:53
Really, really lighten up all your sins. Yeah.
51:56
Heavy, heavy lights. Those are heavy lights.
51:59
But there you go, everybody. Thank you for listening.
52:02
But you guys want to be done? Yeah. Thank you.